Get Smart (1965) s01e23 Episode Script
I'm Only Human
( rhythmic knocking ) ( rhythmic knocking ) I'M SORRY, I MADE A MISTAKE - COULD YOU START OVER AGAIN, PLEASE? - 99: ALL RIGHT, MAX.
( rhythmic knocking ) ( rhythmic knocking ) - WHO IS IT? - IT'S ME, MAX.
COME IN, 99.
YOU KNOW, YOU WERE USING THE WRONG CODE.
- THERE'S A NEW CODE OUT.
- OH, I DIDN'T GET ONE YET.
YES.
YOU SEE, WHEN YOU COME IN THE DOOR, - YOU KNOCK LIKE THIS-- ( three loud knocks ) - THEN WHAT DO YOU DO? - I SAY "COME IN.
" - OH.
- HOW IS HE? - NO IMPROVEMENT YET.
SINCE HE'S BEEN RELIEVED OF ACTIVE DUTY, HE'S BEEN VERY VERY DEPRESSED.
AFTER ALL, HE'S USED TO BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THE ACTION.
YES, AND NOW LOOK AT HIM-- JUST LIES AROUND ALL DAY, NEVER MOVES, JUST STAYS BY THAT CABINET.
CAN'T BLAME HIM, MAX.
FANG'S USED TO BEING TOP DOG.
JUST LOOK AT THIS, 99.
HE HASN'T TOUCHED ONE SPECK OF HIS FOOD.
MAYBE HE DOESN'T LIKE THE FOOD YOU'RE FEEDING HIM.
THAT CAN'T BE.
HE HAD THE SAME THING FOR DINNER I DID.
- WHAT'S THAT? - DOG FOOD.
WELL, I RAN OUT OF EVERYTHING ELSE.
GEE, I WISH THERE WAS SOME WAY WE COULD GET FANG BACK ON ACTIVE DUTY.
SO DO I.
I KNOW HE'S BORED WITH THAT DESK JOB CONTROL GAVE HIM.
YES.
I DON'T BLAME HIM.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT AROUND CHECKING IN EVIDENCE AND THEN BURYING IT? MAX, REMEMBER AGENT 73? HE HAD THE SAME PROBLEM.
- HE WAS BURYING EVIDENCE? - NO, MAX.
HIS DOG WAS RETIRED SO HE SENT HIM TO A KENNEL - TO HAVE HIM REHABILITATED.
- OH, YES.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.
I ASKED 73 TO CALL ME AS SOON AS HE CAME BACK IN.
- GOOD.
- ( phone ringing ) NO, NOT THAT PHONE, 99.
IT'S THE SECRET AGENT'S HOTLINE.
I'LL GET IT.
( ringing continues ) - HELLO, THIS IS 86.
- This is 73.
I JUST GOT YOUR MESSAGE.
I WAS OUT TO THE KENNEL PICKING UP MY DOG.
YES, THAT'S WHAT I CALLED YOU ABOUT, 73.
NOW, CAN YOU GIVE ME THE NAME OF THAT DOG KENNEL? - SURE.
THE NAME OF THAT KENNEL IS-- - ( growling ) JUST A SECOND, SMART.
- GET THIS DOWN, 99.
- RIGHT.
- ( growling continues ) - WHAT'S THE MATTER, BOY? - ( barks ) - Help! Help! SEE IF YOU CAN FIND A KENNEL CALLED "HELP HELP.
" ( theme music playing ) ( insect buzzing ) ( buzzing resumes ) ( buzzing stops ) - WHAT'S THE MATTER, CHIEF? - SHH, I'M TRYING TO KILL A BEE.
IS HE CARRYING A GUN? - NO, MAX.
- I'LL GET IT, CHIEF.
MAX, I DON'T THINK IT WILL BOTHER US UP THERE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT BEE GOT INTO THE BUILDING.
I THINK IT'S AN ENEMY BEE, CHIEF.
- AN ENEMY BEE?! - RIGHT.
HE'S PROBABLY CARRYING A TRANSISTOR AND RECORDING THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW.
I THINK IT MAY BE A BUGGED BUG.
MAX, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
- HERE'S THE FILE YOU WANTED, CHIEF.
- THANKS, 99.
THAT BEE UP THERE? ( whispers ) YES.
CAN YOU SEE ANY CONTROL MARKINGS ON IT? NOT FROM HERE, MAX.
WHY? I'VE GOT A FEELING HE'S NOT ONE OF OURS.
JUST AS I THOUGHT, IT ALL TIES IN.
HE WAS MURDERED BY HIS OWN DOG.
- MURDERED?! - YES.
YOU SEE, 73 WAS RETURNING FROM OUR NEW YORK BRANCH.
HE WAS BRINGING BACK A REPORT ON KAOS ACTIVITIES.
NOW APPARENTLY TO PICK UP HIS DOG - AS SOON AS HE LANDED.
- I DON'T GET THE TIE-UP, CHIEF.
IT'S ALL IN HERE.
THIS FILE CONTAINS A LIST OF RECENT DEATHS WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT WERE ACCIDENTS.
LOOK, GENERAL FOGLESBY-- KILLED BY HIS HUNTING DOGS.
ADMIRAL KIRKWOOD KILLED BY HIS CHOW DOG.
DR.
KRAUTMEYER KILLED BY HIS DACHSHUND.
- BY HIS DACHSHUND?! - WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT KAOS HAS A MEANS FOR CONTROLLING ANIMALS? PRECISELY.
AND PRACTICALLY EVERY IMPORTANT GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL OWNS SOME KIND OF PET.
THEN THAT MEANS WHOEVER CONTROLS THOSE ANIMALS LITERALLY HOLDS A GUN ON WASHINGTON.
BUT WHERE DO WE BEGIN, CHIEF? - AT THE WASHINGTON ANIMAL SPA.
- 99: I'VE HEARD OF THAT.
THAT'S A VERY HIGH-CLASS KENNEL.
YES, IT IS.
AND EVERY ONE OF THE PEOPLE ON THIS LIST-- INCLUDING AGENT 73-- SENT HIS DOG TO THAT KENNEL.
I'M GONNA ISSUE AN URGENT DISPATCH TELLING ALL V.
I.
P.
s TO STAY AWAY FROM THAT KENNEL UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, CHIEF.
VERY GOOD, 99.
NOW, MAX, I HAVE AN IDEA THAT I THINK MAY WORK.
WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF.
SHOULDN'T WE DISCUSS THIS UNDER THE CONE OF SILENCE? THE CONE OF SILENCE? MAX, IT'S NOT FUNCTIONING PROPERLY.
- WELL, THIS IS CONFIDENTIAL, ISN'T IT, CHIEF? - YES, MAX.
THE CONTROL MANUAL STATES EMPHATICALLY THAT WE SHOULD USE THE CONE OF SILENCE.
ALL RIGHT, MAX, THE CONE OF SILENCE.
- ( thumps ) - ( whirring ) NOW, HERE'S WHAT I THINK WE SHOULD DO.
- ( buzzing resumes ) - HERE'S WHAT I THINK WE SHOULD DO.
WHAT, CHIEF? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
THERE'S A BUZZING IN MY EARS.
OF COURSE THERE'S A BUZZING IN YOUR EARS.
THAT'S BECAUSE THAT BEE IS IN HERE WITH US.
I TOLD YOU IT WAS AN ENEMY BEE, CHIEF.
IT'S IN HERE GATHERING INFORMATION.
- MAX, RAISE THE CONE OF SILENCE.
- ( clicks ) - IT'S NOT WORKING, CHIEF.
- I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T FUNCTIONING PROPERLY.
- I THINK I KNOW WHY, CHIEF.
- WHY? IT'S NOT WORKING.
- MAX, DO SOMETHING BEFORE THE BEE STINGS US! - RIGHT, CHIEF.
- I'LL USE MY SPECIAL LIGHTER.
- NO, THAT USES POISON GAS! - BUT IT'LL KILL THE BEE.
- BUT IT WILL ALSO KILL US! OH RIGHT, CHIEF.
NO, MAX! DON'T SHOOT! I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT, CHIEF.
WATCH-- HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, CHIEF? THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
I GOT THE BEE AND FIXED THE CONE OF SILENCE ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
WELL, WHAT'S YOUR PLAN, CHIEF? MAX, I WANNA PLANT ONE OF OUR ANIMAL AGENTS IN THAT KENNEL.
WE'VE GOT TO FIND OUT HOW KAOS IS CONTROLLING THOSE ANIMALS AND PREVENTING THEM FROM EVER USING THAT METHOD AGAIN.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
AND I KNOW JUST THE DOG TO INFILTRATE-- FANG.
OH, MAX, I HAD TO PUT FANG ON THE INACTIVE LIST.
LET'S GO DOWN AND LOOK AT SOME OTHER DOGS.
WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH FANG? MAX, FANG JUST DOESN'T HAVE IT ANYMORE.
"DOESN'T HAVE IT ANYMORE"? WHY, FANG IS JUST AS COMPETENT AS I AM! I KNOW.
- WHERE'RE THE OTHERS? - I'M SORRY, CHIEF, BUT ALL OUR OTHER DOG AGENTS ARE OUT ON ASSIGNMENTS.
NONE OF THESE SEEM TO HAVE ENOUGH EXPERIENCE FOR THE JOB.
WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE ON THE END? YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME HIS BACKGROUND.
- YOU CAN'T USE HIM, CHIEF.
- WHY NOT? HE'S A TRAINING-SCHOOL DROPOUT.
HE JUST HANGS AROUND HERE.
- ALL RIGHT, MEN, TAKE THEM OUT.
- ( dogs whimper ) WELL, CHIEF, I GUESS THAT JUST LEAVES FANG.
OH NO, MAX.
I TOLD YOU, FANG IS OUT.
SMART, HE DIDN'T DO TOO WELL ON HIS LAST CASE.
"DIDN'T DO TOO--" LOOK, CHIEF, EVERYBODY IS ENTITLED TO ONE MISTAKE.
I'VE PROBABLY MADE ONE MYSELF.
FANG HAS THE EXPERIENCE FOR THIS JOB.
NOT ONLY IS HE A DEDICATED AGENT, BUT HE'S THE FASTEST DOG WE'VE GOT.
WHY, DO YOU KNOW THAT FANG CAN SIT UP AND LIE DOWN FASTER THAN ANY DOG IN CONTROL? GO AHEAD, FANG, SHOW HIM.
GO! - WANNA SEE IT AGAIN, CHIEF? - "AGAIN"? I DIDN'T SEE IT THE FIRST TIME.
SEE HOW FAST HE IS? COME ON, CHIEF, GIVE HIM A BREAK.
ALL RIGHT, MAX.
I'LL PUT FANG ON THIS ASSIGNMENT, BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU WANT HIM SO MUCH.
THANK YOU, CHIEF.
WELL, BOY, YOU'RE BACK IN ACTION AGAIN.
- OH, THIS IS GONNA BE A GOOD ONE, FANG.
- ( whimpering ) WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PUT THIS COLLAR ON FANG.
THERE'S A MINI TELEVISION TRANSMITTER IN THIS COLLAR AND ONCE FANG GETS INTO THE WASHINGTON ANIMAL SPA, YOU CAN WATCH THE WHOLE THING ON A PORTABLE MONITOR IN YOUR APARTMENT.
NOW THIS BUTTON TURNS THE TRANSMITTER ON AND THIS BUTTON TURNS THE TRANSMITTER OFF.
- WHAT'S THIS BUTTON FOR? - COLOR.
CARLETON, WE'LL BE IN TROUBLE IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG WITH THAT TRANSMITTER.
OH, NOTHING WILL, CHIEF.
BUT JUST IN CASE, YOU CAN ALWAYS SEND ALONG AGENT B-17.
( shrieks ) GOOD IDEA.
- MAX, YOU'D BETTER GET STARTED.
- ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.
I THINK I'LL USE THE COVER NAME "STANLEY MAXWELL" INSTEAD OF "MAXWELL SMART.
" - UH, CHIEF, DO I HAVE TO TAKE HIM ALONG? - NO, 99 CAN BRING HIM.
GEE WHIZ, CHIEF, I DON'T SEE WHY WE NEED A BIRD AGENT ON THIS CASE ANYWAY.
MAX, HE'S AN EXPERT AT IMITATING VOICES, AND HE REPEATS EVERYTHING HE'S HEARD.
NOW IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG WITH THE TRANSMITTER, HE CAN TELL US WHAT HE'S HEARD.
MAYBE SMART IS AFRAID THAT B-17 WILL SHOW UP FANG.
"SHOW UP FANG"? HUH! - WOULD YOU BELIEVE-- - ( shrieks ) WOULD YOU BELIEVE? WOULD YOU BELIEVE? - ( continues shrieking ) - DID YOU HEAR THAT, CHIEF? THAT'S THE WORST IMPRESSION I EVER HEARD.
YES.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? WE'RE LEAVING TOWN FOR A FEW DAYS AND WE'D LIKE TO LEAVE OUR DOG AND OUR PARROT HERE.
UH-HUH.
AND THIS IS YOUR DOG, HUH? - GOOD GUESS.
- REALLY? UM, NAME, PLEASE? - FANG.
- ALL RIGHT.
MR.
AND MRS.
FANG.
NOW HOW LONG-- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THE DOG'S NAME IS FANG.
OH, I SEE.
YOUR NAME, PLEASE.
MR.
AND MRS.
STANLEY MAXWELL.
ALL RIGHT, MR.
MAXWELL.
HOW ABOUT A BATH? NO, I THINK I'LL WAIT TILL I GET HOME FOR THAT.
FOR THE DOG, MR.
MAXWELL.
NO, THE DOG HAS A BAD COLD.
I SEE.
THE COLLAR.
GOODBYE, FANG, OLD BOY.
WILL THAT BE ALL? - THAT'S ALL.
- TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM.
- WE WILL.
- BYE-BYE, PAULIE.
( shrieks ) - ( shrieks ) - WHO WAS THAT MAN? HE LOOKED FAMILIAR.
I DON'T KNOW HIM.
HE SAID HIS NAME WAS STANLEY MAXWELL.
( shrieks ) "STANLEY MAXWELL COVER NAME INSTEAD OF MAXWELL SMART-- MAXWELL SMART.
" ( shrieks ) IT'S BEEN OVER TWO HOURS SINCE WE GOT A PICTURE FROM THE TELEVISION UNIT ON FANG'S COLLAR.
IT COULD BE DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, MAX.
WE SENT ALONG B-17 TO COVER US IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS.
HE'LL BE ABLE TO REPEAT EVERYTHING HE HEARD.
YES WELL, I THINK WE MADE A MISTAKE THERE, CHIEF.
WE SHOULD HAVE SENT ALONG A PARROT THAT CAN MAKE TELEVISION REPAIRS.
I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT.
THERE'S NO TIME TO WAIT, 99.
THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE! FANG IS IN TROUBLE.
I CAN FEEL IT.
I KNOW IT! AND I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM BEING ON THIS ASSIGNMENT.
CHIEF, YOU GOTTA LET ME GO IN AFTER HIM.
NO, MAX.
IF YOU SHOULD BE CAPTURED ATTEMPTING TO RESCUE FANG, THEY'D KNOW CONTROL WAS ONTO THEM.
OUR MISSION WOULD BE A TOTAL LOSS.
THE PICTURE WILL BE ON ANY MOMENT.
- AND WHAT IF IT ISN'T? - I'M SORRY, MAX.
I'M GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE.
AND NO RESCUE ATTEMPT-- THAT'S AN ORDER! - 99, I'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
- MAX I KNOW, I KNOW, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GO IN AND RESCUE HIM.
BUT LET'S LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, 99: WHAT IF IT WAS THE CHIEF WHO WAS CAPTURED AND I KNEW WHERE HE WAS BEING HELD? YOU'D GO IN AFTER HIM.
SO I'VE JUST GOTTA TRY AND THINK OF FANG AS A SMALL FURRY MIDDLE-AGED MAN.
BUT, MAX, YOU HAVE YOUR ORDERS.
BUT I CAN'T JUST STAY HERE AND DO NOTHING,99.
EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF FANG.
LOOK-- THIS FOOD BOWL WITH HIS NAME ON IT-- "FANG.
" MY SLIPPER THAT HE USED TO LOVE TO CHEW ON.
HIS TURTLENECK SWEATER HIS LEAD CHAIN HIS FAVORITE TOY DUCK.
( squeaks ) I'M GOING IN AFTER HIM.
- MAX, YOU CAN'T.
- WHY NOT? NOT WITHOUT ME.
NOW A LITTLE TWIST THERE.
AND A LITTLE TWIST THERE.
IT'S A GOOD THING CARLETON WAS IN THE LAB SO HE COULD GIVE US THIS ELECTRO-BLAST DEVICE.
I NEVER WORKED WITH ONE BEFORE, MAX.
YOU MERELY PRESS DOWN ON THIS ELECTRONIC PLUNGER WHICH SENDS AN ELECTRICAL CURRENT THROUGH THESE WIRES WHICH SETS OFF THE NITRO UNDER THESE SUCTION CUPS WHICH MUFFLE THE SOUND OF THE EXPLOSION.
- AND THAT DOES IT? - YES, GUARANTEED ONE OF THE BEST WAYS TO OPEN DOORS.
ANOTHER GOOD WAY IS TURNING THE DOORKNOB.
ONE MOVE AND IT WILL BE YOUR LAST.
TAKE THEIR GUNS.
( clicks heels ) WELCOME, MAXWELL SMART.
YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR THE BRILLIANCE OF KAOS.
YOU'VE FALLEN INTO OUR VERY CLEVER TRAP.
HMM, I'VE FALLEN INTO CLEVERER TRAPS THAN THIS BEFORE.
WE PURPOSELY BLACKED OUT YOUR DOG'S TELEVISION COLLAR UNIT, KNOWING THAT YOU COULD NOT RESIST MAKING A RESCUE ATTEMPT.
AND NOW NOW YOU ARE MY PRISONER.
IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD.
YOU'LL NEVER GET ANYTHING OUT OF HIM, NOT EVEN IF YOU BEAT HIM, WHIP HIM AND KICK HIM.
UH, THAT'S RIGHT.
GO AHEAD-- BEAT ME, WHIP ME, KICK ME.
HOW ABOUT STRIPS OF BAMBOO SHOVED UNDER YOUR FINGERNAILS? THAT I'M NOT TOO CRAZY ABOUT.
WE DON'T WANT INFORMATION FROM YOU, MR.
SMART.
WE WANT YOU AS LIVE BAIT.
JUST AS YOU CAME LOYALLY AFTER YOUR DOG, SO WILL YOUR CHIEF COME LOYALLY AFTER YOU.
KAOS IS EXTREMELY CLEVER.
THEY MUST HAVE SET A TRAP FOR HIM.
NOW SMART IS IN TROUBLE, I CAN FEEL IT.
BUT, CHIEF, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
I JUST CAN'T WAIT AROUND HERE.
EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF MAX, LOOK-- HIS SWEATER ( chuckles ) MY TIE HE ALWAYS LIKE TO WEAR HIS COURIER CHAIN.
HIS FAVORITE TOY DUCK GUN.
( squeaks ) JUST LIKE MAX.
IF I TOLD HIM ONCE, I TOLD HIM A THOUSAND TIMES-- "MAX, NEVER LEAVE YOUR DUCK LOADED.
" I'M GOING IN AFTER HIM.
THAT'S FINE.
YOUR CHIEF SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE NOW.
IT'S BEEN A HALF HOUR SINCE YOU CAPTURED US.
THE CHIEF HASN'T COME TO RESCUE US YET.
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.
AT LEAST THERE'S ONE PERSON IN CONTROL WHO DOESN'T HAVE AN OUNCE OF LOYALTY IN HIM.
I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT YOUR CHIEF IS EVERY BIT AS LOYAL AS YOU ARE.
WHY WON'T YOU TELL US WHAT HAPPENED TO FANG? I'VE BEEN SAVING THAT AS A SURPRISE.
FANG! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM? YOUR DOG HAS BEEN UNDERGOING TREATMENT.
- ( shrieks ) - THAT MACHINE IS A CANINE BRAIN-WASHER.
ONCE SUBJECTED TO IT, ANY ANIMAL FALLS COMPLETELY UNDER MY CONTROL.
( speaks German ) THINK OF IT-- ALL THE IMPORTANT DOGS IN WASHINGTON UNDER MY CONTROL, AND ALL OF THEM READY TO TURN ON THEIR MASTERS AT MY COMMAND.
GREG? ANOTHER LITTLE SURPRISE.
TELL THEM.
THIS IS AN AUDIO-SENSITIVE, HIGH-INTENSITY EXPLOSIVE APPARATUS, SET TO EXPLODE AT THE SOUND OF A DOG BARKING-- YOUR DOG.
ACTIVATE IT.
- ( knob clicks ) - ( whirring ) PUT IT DOWN.
WE WILL NOW TAKE THE ELEVATOR TO THE CELLAR.
WHEN YOUR CHIEF ARRIVES, I WILL SIGNAL YOUR DOG.
HE WILL THEN BARK, AND WHEN HE DOES-- PFFT! - JUST A MINUTE! - YES? - THERE'S ONE THING YOU OVERLOOKED.
- OH? YOU SEE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE US ALONE IN THIS ROOM.
- AND WHY NOT? - BECAUSE AS SOON AS YOU'RE GONE, BY THE USE OF SHEER BRUTE STRENGTH, I SHALL BE ABLE TO RIP THESE CHAINS FROM THE WALL IN ONE MINUTE.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? - ONE MINUTE.
- I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
- ( whirring continues ) - WOULD YOU BELIEVE TWO MINUTES? I DON'T THINK SO.
HOW ABOUT A WEEK FROM TUESDAY? YOU HAVE A MARVELOUS SENSE OF HUMOR.
( continues laughing ) YOU'LL PROBABLY DIE LAUGHING.
( heels click ) MAX, I'M SURE THAT KAOS MAN IS RIGHT ABOUT THE CHIEF.
HE'S PROBABLY ON HIS WAY OVER HERE RIGHT NOW.
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? - DON'T PANIC, 99.
DON'T PANIC.
NOW LET'S TRY AND THINK OF THIS THING WITH A NICE CLEAR COOL HEAD.
NOW NUMBER ONE, WE'RE CHAINED AGAINST A WALL.
NUMBER TWO, WE'RE JUST OUT OF REACH OF THE BOMB.
NUMBER THREE, WHEN THE CHIEF COMES, THAT KAOS MAN IS GONNA MAKE FANG BARK AND EXPLODE THE BOMB AND BLOW US ALL SKY-HIGH.
- THERE'S ONLY ONE THING WE CAN DO.
- WHAT IS IT? - PANIC.
- MAX, WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
HMM, THERE'S RIGHT, WE CAN'T JUST LET THE CHIEF BE KILLED.
WAIT A MINUTE! MAYBE THE ANSWER LIES IN SOMETHING YOU JUST SAID.
WHEN THE CHIEF COMES, FANG WILL BE SIGNALED TO BARK - AND THE BOMB WILL EXPLODE-- - WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'VE GOT A PLAN, 99, I'VE GOT A PLAN.
IF WE CAN GET FANG TO BARK NOW, THEN THE BOMB WILL EXPLODE BEFORE THE CHIEF COMES.
THEN YOU AND FANG AND I WILL BE BLOWN TO BITS.
- I HAVE AN ALTERNATE PLAN.
- NO, MAX! - WE'VE GOT TO DO IT, RIGHT? - RIGHT.
- IT'S ONLY DECENT, RIGHT? - RIGHT.
AFTER ALL, THE CHIEF'S LIFE'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN OURS, RIGHT? - RIGHT? - DON'T RUSH ME, 99.
RIGHT.
MAX, LOOK! ( KAOS agent speaks German ) LISTEN, 99, HE'S GIVING FANG VOICE COMMANDS FROM DOWN IN THE BASEMENT.
AND HE'S OPENED THE DOOR TO THE SHAFT AUTOMATICALLY SO FANG COULD HEAR HIM.
- THAT'S IT, 99.
- YOU HAVE ANOTHER PLAN, MAX? YES, AND I'M CERTAIN THAT THIS ONE WILL WORK.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS TO DROP THE BOMB DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT, AND THEN WHEN FANG BARKS, IT WILL DESTROY THEM.
THAT'S BRILLIANT, MAX! HOW DO WE PUT THE BOMB IN THE SHAFT? "HOW DO WE PUT THE BOMB IN THE SHAFT," YES.
WELL, THAT'S THE PART OF THE PLAN I HAVEN'T WORKED OUT YET.
( shrieks, speaks German ) - ( shrieks ) - THAT'S IT! RIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT? THAT'S HOW WE DO IT-- IF YOU CAN IMITATE HIS VOICE, YOU CAN COMMAND FANG TO DROP THE BOMB DOWN THE SHAFT.
BUT HOW CAN I IMITATE A PARROT? NO, MAX, YOU IMITATE THE KAOS MAN'S VOICE.
- LIKE THE PARROT'S DOING.
- BUT HE SPEAKS GERMAN, - I DON'T KNOW ANY GERMAN.
- I DO.
YOU DO? WELL, HOW DO YOU SAY "PICK UP THE BOMB"? - NIMM DIE BOMBE! - NIMM DIE BOMBE! FANG, NIMM DIE BOMBE! - NIMM DIE BOMBE! - ( knocking ) Chief: MAX, 99, ARE YOU IN THERE? IT'S THE CHIEF.
HE'S HERE.
HURRY! HOW DO YOU SAY "DROP THE BOMB DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT"? LASS FALLEN DIE BOMBE IN DEN SCHAFT.
LASS FALLEN DIE BOMBE IN DEN SCHAFT.
FANG, LASS FALLEN DIE BOMBE IN DEN SCHAFT.
( whirring ) - HOW DO YOU SAY "BARK"? - BELL! FANG, BELL! FANG, "HITEN THE DIRTEN.
" GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - YEAH, WE'RE OKAY, CHIEF.
- FANG SAVED US.
- FANG, KOMMEN SIE HER AND SITTEN DOWNEN! ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, MAX? YES, CHIEF, AND FANG DOESN'T UNDERSTAND GERMAN ANYMORE.
THE EXPLOSION MUST'VE RELEASED HIS MIND.
- BETTER TEST HIM, MAX.
- RIGHT, 99.
FANG, LIE DOWN, FANG.
LIE DOWN.
BEG, FANG.
BEG! BEG, FANG.
HOW ABOUT THAT, CHIEF? JUST AS GOOD AS NEW.
THERE YOU GO.
( groans ) SORRY ABOUT THIS, CHIEF.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MAX.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO ME FOR BREAKING ORDERS.
I UNDERSTAND.
MAX, WHAT'S FANG'S DUCK DOING HERE? THAT'S NOT FANG'S DUCK, MAX.
THAT'S YOUR SPECIAL GUN.
WHEN I REALIZED I'D TAKEN IT FROM YOUR OFFICE, I PUT IT IN MY POCKET.
I MUST HAVE DROPPED IT.
- SOMEONE BETTER TELL FANG! - ( gunshots ) NOW YOU KNOW WHY I PUT HIM ON A DESK JOB.
DON'T WORRY, CHIEF.
I'LL HAVE HIM REPORT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING FOR TARGET PRACTICE.
( theme music playing )
( rhythmic knocking ) ( rhythmic knocking ) - WHO IS IT? - IT'S ME, MAX.
COME IN, 99.
YOU KNOW, YOU WERE USING THE WRONG CODE.
- THERE'S A NEW CODE OUT.
- OH, I DIDN'T GET ONE YET.
YES.
YOU SEE, WHEN YOU COME IN THE DOOR, - YOU KNOCK LIKE THIS-- ( three loud knocks ) - THEN WHAT DO YOU DO? - I SAY "COME IN.
" - OH.
- HOW IS HE? - NO IMPROVEMENT YET.
SINCE HE'S BEEN RELIEVED OF ACTIVE DUTY, HE'S BEEN VERY VERY DEPRESSED.
AFTER ALL, HE'S USED TO BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THE ACTION.
YES, AND NOW LOOK AT HIM-- JUST LIES AROUND ALL DAY, NEVER MOVES, JUST STAYS BY THAT CABINET.
CAN'T BLAME HIM, MAX.
FANG'S USED TO BEING TOP DOG.
JUST LOOK AT THIS, 99.
HE HASN'T TOUCHED ONE SPECK OF HIS FOOD.
MAYBE HE DOESN'T LIKE THE FOOD YOU'RE FEEDING HIM.
THAT CAN'T BE.
HE HAD THE SAME THING FOR DINNER I DID.
- WHAT'S THAT? - DOG FOOD.
WELL, I RAN OUT OF EVERYTHING ELSE.
GEE, I WISH THERE WAS SOME WAY WE COULD GET FANG BACK ON ACTIVE DUTY.
SO DO I.
I KNOW HE'S BORED WITH THAT DESK JOB CONTROL GAVE HIM.
YES.
I DON'T BLAME HIM.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT AROUND CHECKING IN EVIDENCE AND THEN BURYING IT? MAX, REMEMBER AGENT 73? HE HAD THE SAME PROBLEM.
- HE WAS BURYING EVIDENCE? - NO, MAX.
HIS DOG WAS RETIRED SO HE SENT HIM TO A KENNEL - TO HAVE HIM REHABILITATED.
- OH, YES.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.
I ASKED 73 TO CALL ME AS SOON AS HE CAME BACK IN.
- GOOD.
- ( phone ringing ) NO, NOT THAT PHONE, 99.
IT'S THE SECRET AGENT'S HOTLINE.
I'LL GET IT.
( ringing continues ) - HELLO, THIS IS 86.
- This is 73.
I JUST GOT YOUR MESSAGE.
I WAS OUT TO THE KENNEL PICKING UP MY DOG.
YES, THAT'S WHAT I CALLED YOU ABOUT, 73.
NOW, CAN YOU GIVE ME THE NAME OF THAT DOG KENNEL? - SURE.
THE NAME OF THAT KENNEL IS-- - ( growling ) JUST A SECOND, SMART.
- GET THIS DOWN, 99.
- RIGHT.
- ( growling continues ) - WHAT'S THE MATTER, BOY? - ( barks ) - Help! Help! SEE IF YOU CAN FIND A KENNEL CALLED "HELP HELP.
" ( theme music playing ) ( insect buzzing ) ( buzzing resumes ) ( buzzing stops ) - WHAT'S THE MATTER, CHIEF? - SHH, I'M TRYING TO KILL A BEE.
IS HE CARRYING A GUN? - NO, MAX.
- I'LL GET IT, CHIEF.
MAX, I DON'T THINK IT WILL BOTHER US UP THERE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT BEE GOT INTO THE BUILDING.
I THINK IT'S AN ENEMY BEE, CHIEF.
- AN ENEMY BEE?! - RIGHT.
HE'S PROBABLY CARRYING A TRANSISTOR AND RECORDING THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW.
I THINK IT MAY BE A BUGGED BUG.
MAX, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
- HERE'S THE FILE YOU WANTED, CHIEF.
- THANKS, 99.
THAT BEE UP THERE? ( whispers ) YES.
CAN YOU SEE ANY CONTROL MARKINGS ON IT? NOT FROM HERE, MAX.
WHY? I'VE GOT A FEELING HE'S NOT ONE OF OURS.
JUST AS I THOUGHT, IT ALL TIES IN.
HE WAS MURDERED BY HIS OWN DOG.
- MURDERED?! - YES.
YOU SEE, 73 WAS RETURNING FROM OUR NEW YORK BRANCH.
HE WAS BRINGING BACK A REPORT ON KAOS ACTIVITIES.
NOW APPARENTLY TO PICK UP HIS DOG - AS SOON AS HE LANDED.
- I DON'T GET THE TIE-UP, CHIEF.
IT'S ALL IN HERE.
THIS FILE CONTAINS A LIST OF RECENT DEATHS WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT WERE ACCIDENTS.
LOOK, GENERAL FOGLESBY-- KILLED BY HIS HUNTING DOGS.
ADMIRAL KIRKWOOD KILLED BY HIS CHOW DOG.
DR.
KRAUTMEYER KILLED BY HIS DACHSHUND.
- BY HIS DACHSHUND?! - WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT KAOS HAS A MEANS FOR CONTROLLING ANIMALS? PRECISELY.
AND PRACTICALLY EVERY IMPORTANT GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL OWNS SOME KIND OF PET.
THEN THAT MEANS WHOEVER CONTROLS THOSE ANIMALS LITERALLY HOLDS A GUN ON WASHINGTON.
BUT WHERE DO WE BEGIN, CHIEF? - AT THE WASHINGTON ANIMAL SPA.
- 99: I'VE HEARD OF THAT.
THAT'S A VERY HIGH-CLASS KENNEL.
YES, IT IS.
AND EVERY ONE OF THE PEOPLE ON THIS LIST-- INCLUDING AGENT 73-- SENT HIS DOG TO THAT KENNEL.
I'M GONNA ISSUE AN URGENT DISPATCH TELLING ALL V.
I.
P.
s TO STAY AWAY FROM THAT KENNEL UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, CHIEF.
VERY GOOD, 99.
NOW, MAX, I HAVE AN IDEA THAT I THINK MAY WORK.
WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF.
SHOULDN'T WE DISCUSS THIS UNDER THE CONE OF SILENCE? THE CONE OF SILENCE? MAX, IT'S NOT FUNCTIONING PROPERLY.
- WELL, THIS IS CONFIDENTIAL, ISN'T IT, CHIEF? - YES, MAX.
THE CONTROL MANUAL STATES EMPHATICALLY THAT WE SHOULD USE THE CONE OF SILENCE.
ALL RIGHT, MAX, THE CONE OF SILENCE.
- ( thumps ) - ( whirring ) NOW, HERE'S WHAT I THINK WE SHOULD DO.
- ( buzzing resumes ) - HERE'S WHAT I THINK WE SHOULD DO.
WHAT, CHIEF? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
THERE'S A BUZZING IN MY EARS.
OF COURSE THERE'S A BUZZING IN YOUR EARS.
THAT'S BECAUSE THAT BEE IS IN HERE WITH US.
I TOLD YOU IT WAS AN ENEMY BEE, CHIEF.
IT'S IN HERE GATHERING INFORMATION.
- MAX, RAISE THE CONE OF SILENCE.
- ( clicks ) - IT'S NOT WORKING, CHIEF.
- I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T FUNCTIONING PROPERLY.
- I THINK I KNOW WHY, CHIEF.
- WHY? IT'S NOT WORKING.
- MAX, DO SOMETHING BEFORE THE BEE STINGS US! - RIGHT, CHIEF.
- I'LL USE MY SPECIAL LIGHTER.
- NO, THAT USES POISON GAS! - BUT IT'LL KILL THE BEE.
- BUT IT WILL ALSO KILL US! OH RIGHT, CHIEF.
NO, MAX! DON'T SHOOT! I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT, CHIEF.
WATCH-- HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, CHIEF? THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
I GOT THE BEE AND FIXED THE CONE OF SILENCE ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
WELL, WHAT'S YOUR PLAN, CHIEF? MAX, I WANNA PLANT ONE OF OUR ANIMAL AGENTS IN THAT KENNEL.
WE'VE GOT TO FIND OUT HOW KAOS IS CONTROLLING THOSE ANIMALS AND PREVENTING THEM FROM EVER USING THAT METHOD AGAIN.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
AND I KNOW JUST THE DOG TO INFILTRATE-- FANG.
OH, MAX, I HAD TO PUT FANG ON THE INACTIVE LIST.
LET'S GO DOWN AND LOOK AT SOME OTHER DOGS.
WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH FANG? MAX, FANG JUST DOESN'T HAVE IT ANYMORE.
"DOESN'T HAVE IT ANYMORE"? WHY, FANG IS JUST AS COMPETENT AS I AM! I KNOW.
- WHERE'RE THE OTHERS? - I'M SORRY, CHIEF, BUT ALL OUR OTHER DOG AGENTS ARE OUT ON ASSIGNMENTS.
NONE OF THESE SEEM TO HAVE ENOUGH EXPERIENCE FOR THE JOB.
WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE ON THE END? YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME HIS BACKGROUND.
- YOU CAN'T USE HIM, CHIEF.
- WHY NOT? HE'S A TRAINING-SCHOOL DROPOUT.
HE JUST HANGS AROUND HERE.
- ALL RIGHT, MEN, TAKE THEM OUT.
- ( dogs whimper ) WELL, CHIEF, I GUESS THAT JUST LEAVES FANG.
OH NO, MAX.
I TOLD YOU, FANG IS OUT.
SMART, HE DIDN'T DO TOO WELL ON HIS LAST CASE.
"DIDN'T DO TOO--" LOOK, CHIEF, EVERYBODY IS ENTITLED TO ONE MISTAKE.
I'VE PROBABLY MADE ONE MYSELF.
FANG HAS THE EXPERIENCE FOR THIS JOB.
NOT ONLY IS HE A DEDICATED AGENT, BUT HE'S THE FASTEST DOG WE'VE GOT.
WHY, DO YOU KNOW THAT FANG CAN SIT UP AND LIE DOWN FASTER THAN ANY DOG IN CONTROL? GO AHEAD, FANG, SHOW HIM.
GO! - WANNA SEE IT AGAIN, CHIEF? - "AGAIN"? I DIDN'T SEE IT THE FIRST TIME.
SEE HOW FAST HE IS? COME ON, CHIEF, GIVE HIM A BREAK.
ALL RIGHT, MAX.
I'LL PUT FANG ON THIS ASSIGNMENT, BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU WANT HIM SO MUCH.
THANK YOU, CHIEF.
WELL, BOY, YOU'RE BACK IN ACTION AGAIN.
- OH, THIS IS GONNA BE A GOOD ONE, FANG.
- ( whimpering ) WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PUT THIS COLLAR ON FANG.
THERE'S A MINI TELEVISION TRANSMITTER IN THIS COLLAR AND ONCE FANG GETS INTO THE WASHINGTON ANIMAL SPA, YOU CAN WATCH THE WHOLE THING ON A PORTABLE MONITOR IN YOUR APARTMENT.
NOW THIS BUTTON TURNS THE TRANSMITTER ON AND THIS BUTTON TURNS THE TRANSMITTER OFF.
- WHAT'S THIS BUTTON FOR? - COLOR.
CARLETON, WE'LL BE IN TROUBLE IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG WITH THAT TRANSMITTER.
OH, NOTHING WILL, CHIEF.
BUT JUST IN CASE, YOU CAN ALWAYS SEND ALONG AGENT B-17.
( shrieks ) GOOD IDEA.
- MAX, YOU'D BETTER GET STARTED.
- ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.
I THINK I'LL USE THE COVER NAME "STANLEY MAXWELL" INSTEAD OF "MAXWELL SMART.
" - UH, CHIEF, DO I HAVE TO TAKE HIM ALONG? - NO, 99 CAN BRING HIM.
GEE WHIZ, CHIEF, I DON'T SEE WHY WE NEED A BIRD AGENT ON THIS CASE ANYWAY.
MAX, HE'S AN EXPERT AT IMITATING VOICES, AND HE REPEATS EVERYTHING HE'S HEARD.
NOW IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG WITH THE TRANSMITTER, HE CAN TELL US WHAT HE'S HEARD.
MAYBE SMART IS AFRAID THAT B-17 WILL SHOW UP FANG.
"SHOW UP FANG"? HUH! - WOULD YOU BELIEVE-- - ( shrieks ) WOULD YOU BELIEVE? WOULD YOU BELIEVE? - ( continues shrieking ) - DID YOU HEAR THAT, CHIEF? THAT'S THE WORST IMPRESSION I EVER HEARD.
YES.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? WE'RE LEAVING TOWN FOR A FEW DAYS AND WE'D LIKE TO LEAVE OUR DOG AND OUR PARROT HERE.
UH-HUH.
AND THIS IS YOUR DOG, HUH? - GOOD GUESS.
- REALLY? UM, NAME, PLEASE? - FANG.
- ALL RIGHT.
MR.
AND MRS.
FANG.
NOW HOW LONG-- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THE DOG'S NAME IS FANG.
OH, I SEE.
YOUR NAME, PLEASE.
MR.
AND MRS.
STANLEY MAXWELL.
ALL RIGHT, MR.
MAXWELL.
HOW ABOUT A BATH? NO, I THINK I'LL WAIT TILL I GET HOME FOR THAT.
FOR THE DOG, MR.
MAXWELL.
NO, THE DOG HAS A BAD COLD.
I SEE.
THE COLLAR.
GOODBYE, FANG, OLD BOY.
WILL THAT BE ALL? - THAT'S ALL.
- TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM.
- WE WILL.
- BYE-BYE, PAULIE.
( shrieks ) - ( shrieks ) - WHO WAS THAT MAN? HE LOOKED FAMILIAR.
I DON'T KNOW HIM.
HE SAID HIS NAME WAS STANLEY MAXWELL.
( shrieks ) "STANLEY MAXWELL COVER NAME INSTEAD OF MAXWELL SMART-- MAXWELL SMART.
" ( shrieks ) IT'S BEEN OVER TWO HOURS SINCE WE GOT A PICTURE FROM THE TELEVISION UNIT ON FANG'S COLLAR.
IT COULD BE DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, MAX.
WE SENT ALONG B-17 TO COVER US IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS.
HE'LL BE ABLE TO REPEAT EVERYTHING HE HEARD.
YES WELL, I THINK WE MADE A MISTAKE THERE, CHIEF.
WE SHOULD HAVE SENT ALONG A PARROT THAT CAN MAKE TELEVISION REPAIRS.
I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT.
THERE'S NO TIME TO WAIT, 99.
THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE! FANG IS IN TROUBLE.
I CAN FEEL IT.
I KNOW IT! AND I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM BEING ON THIS ASSIGNMENT.
CHIEF, YOU GOTTA LET ME GO IN AFTER HIM.
NO, MAX.
IF YOU SHOULD BE CAPTURED ATTEMPTING TO RESCUE FANG, THEY'D KNOW CONTROL WAS ONTO THEM.
OUR MISSION WOULD BE A TOTAL LOSS.
THE PICTURE WILL BE ON ANY MOMENT.
- AND WHAT IF IT ISN'T? - I'M SORRY, MAX.
I'M GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE.
AND NO RESCUE ATTEMPT-- THAT'S AN ORDER! - 99, I'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
- MAX I KNOW, I KNOW, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GO IN AND RESCUE HIM.
BUT LET'S LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, 99: WHAT IF IT WAS THE CHIEF WHO WAS CAPTURED AND I KNEW WHERE HE WAS BEING HELD? YOU'D GO IN AFTER HIM.
SO I'VE JUST GOTTA TRY AND THINK OF FANG AS A SMALL FURRY MIDDLE-AGED MAN.
BUT, MAX, YOU HAVE YOUR ORDERS.
BUT I CAN'T JUST STAY HERE AND DO NOTHING,99.
EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF FANG.
LOOK-- THIS FOOD BOWL WITH HIS NAME ON IT-- "FANG.
" MY SLIPPER THAT HE USED TO LOVE TO CHEW ON.
HIS TURTLENECK SWEATER HIS LEAD CHAIN HIS FAVORITE TOY DUCK.
( squeaks ) I'M GOING IN AFTER HIM.
- MAX, YOU CAN'T.
- WHY NOT? NOT WITHOUT ME.
NOW A LITTLE TWIST THERE.
AND A LITTLE TWIST THERE.
IT'S A GOOD THING CARLETON WAS IN THE LAB SO HE COULD GIVE US THIS ELECTRO-BLAST DEVICE.
I NEVER WORKED WITH ONE BEFORE, MAX.
YOU MERELY PRESS DOWN ON THIS ELECTRONIC PLUNGER WHICH SENDS AN ELECTRICAL CURRENT THROUGH THESE WIRES WHICH SETS OFF THE NITRO UNDER THESE SUCTION CUPS WHICH MUFFLE THE SOUND OF THE EXPLOSION.
- AND THAT DOES IT? - YES, GUARANTEED ONE OF THE BEST WAYS TO OPEN DOORS.
ANOTHER GOOD WAY IS TURNING THE DOORKNOB.
ONE MOVE AND IT WILL BE YOUR LAST.
TAKE THEIR GUNS.
( clicks heels ) WELCOME, MAXWELL SMART.
YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR THE BRILLIANCE OF KAOS.
YOU'VE FALLEN INTO OUR VERY CLEVER TRAP.
HMM, I'VE FALLEN INTO CLEVERER TRAPS THAN THIS BEFORE.
WE PURPOSELY BLACKED OUT YOUR DOG'S TELEVISION COLLAR UNIT, KNOWING THAT YOU COULD NOT RESIST MAKING A RESCUE ATTEMPT.
AND NOW NOW YOU ARE MY PRISONER.
IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD.
YOU'LL NEVER GET ANYTHING OUT OF HIM, NOT EVEN IF YOU BEAT HIM, WHIP HIM AND KICK HIM.
UH, THAT'S RIGHT.
GO AHEAD-- BEAT ME, WHIP ME, KICK ME.
HOW ABOUT STRIPS OF BAMBOO SHOVED UNDER YOUR FINGERNAILS? THAT I'M NOT TOO CRAZY ABOUT.
WE DON'T WANT INFORMATION FROM YOU, MR.
SMART.
WE WANT YOU AS LIVE BAIT.
JUST AS YOU CAME LOYALLY AFTER YOUR DOG, SO WILL YOUR CHIEF COME LOYALLY AFTER YOU.
KAOS IS EXTREMELY CLEVER.
THEY MUST HAVE SET A TRAP FOR HIM.
NOW SMART IS IN TROUBLE, I CAN FEEL IT.
BUT, CHIEF, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
I JUST CAN'T WAIT AROUND HERE.
EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF MAX, LOOK-- HIS SWEATER ( chuckles ) MY TIE HE ALWAYS LIKE TO WEAR HIS COURIER CHAIN.
HIS FAVORITE TOY DUCK GUN.
( squeaks ) JUST LIKE MAX.
IF I TOLD HIM ONCE, I TOLD HIM A THOUSAND TIMES-- "MAX, NEVER LEAVE YOUR DUCK LOADED.
" I'M GOING IN AFTER HIM.
THAT'S FINE.
YOUR CHIEF SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE NOW.
IT'S BEEN A HALF HOUR SINCE YOU CAPTURED US.
THE CHIEF HASN'T COME TO RESCUE US YET.
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.
AT LEAST THERE'S ONE PERSON IN CONTROL WHO DOESN'T HAVE AN OUNCE OF LOYALTY IN HIM.
I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT YOUR CHIEF IS EVERY BIT AS LOYAL AS YOU ARE.
WHY WON'T YOU TELL US WHAT HAPPENED TO FANG? I'VE BEEN SAVING THAT AS A SURPRISE.
FANG! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM? YOUR DOG HAS BEEN UNDERGOING TREATMENT.
- ( shrieks ) - THAT MACHINE IS A CANINE BRAIN-WASHER.
ONCE SUBJECTED TO IT, ANY ANIMAL FALLS COMPLETELY UNDER MY CONTROL.
( speaks German ) THINK OF IT-- ALL THE IMPORTANT DOGS IN WASHINGTON UNDER MY CONTROL, AND ALL OF THEM READY TO TURN ON THEIR MASTERS AT MY COMMAND.
GREG? ANOTHER LITTLE SURPRISE.
TELL THEM.
THIS IS AN AUDIO-SENSITIVE, HIGH-INTENSITY EXPLOSIVE APPARATUS, SET TO EXPLODE AT THE SOUND OF A DOG BARKING-- YOUR DOG.
ACTIVATE IT.
- ( knob clicks ) - ( whirring ) PUT IT DOWN.
WE WILL NOW TAKE THE ELEVATOR TO THE CELLAR.
WHEN YOUR CHIEF ARRIVES, I WILL SIGNAL YOUR DOG.
HE WILL THEN BARK, AND WHEN HE DOES-- PFFT! - JUST A MINUTE! - YES? - THERE'S ONE THING YOU OVERLOOKED.
- OH? YOU SEE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE US ALONE IN THIS ROOM.
- AND WHY NOT? - BECAUSE AS SOON AS YOU'RE GONE, BY THE USE OF SHEER BRUTE STRENGTH, I SHALL BE ABLE TO RIP THESE CHAINS FROM THE WALL IN ONE MINUTE.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? - ONE MINUTE.
- I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
- ( whirring continues ) - WOULD YOU BELIEVE TWO MINUTES? I DON'T THINK SO.
HOW ABOUT A WEEK FROM TUESDAY? YOU HAVE A MARVELOUS SENSE OF HUMOR.
( continues laughing ) YOU'LL PROBABLY DIE LAUGHING.
( heels click ) MAX, I'M SURE THAT KAOS MAN IS RIGHT ABOUT THE CHIEF.
HE'S PROBABLY ON HIS WAY OVER HERE RIGHT NOW.
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? - DON'T PANIC, 99.
DON'T PANIC.
NOW LET'S TRY AND THINK OF THIS THING WITH A NICE CLEAR COOL HEAD.
NOW NUMBER ONE, WE'RE CHAINED AGAINST A WALL.
NUMBER TWO, WE'RE JUST OUT OF REACH OF THE BOMB.
NUMBER THREE, WHEN THE CHIEF COMES, THAT KAOS MAN IS GONNA MAKE FANG BARK AND EXPLODE THE BOMB AND BLOW US ALL SKY-HIGH.
- THERE'S ONLY ONE THING WE CAN DO.
- WHAT IS IT? - PANIC.
- MAX, WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
HMM, THERE'S RIGHT, WE CAN'T JUST LET THE CHIEF BE KILLED.
WAIT A MINUTE! MAYBE THE ANSWER LIES IN SOMETHING YOU JUST SAID.
WHEN THE CHIEF COMES, FANG WILL BE SIGNALED TO BARK - AND THE BOMB WILL EXPLODE-- - WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'VE GOT A PLAN, 99, I'VE GOT A PLAN.
IF WE CAN GET FANG TO BARK NOW, THEN THE BOMB WILL EXPLODE BEFORE THE CHIEF COMES.
THEN YOU AND FANG AND I WILL BE BLOWN TO BITS.
- I HAVE AN ALTERNATE PLAN.
- NO, MAX! - WE'VE GOT TO DO IT, RIGHT? - RIGHT.
- IT'S ONLY DECENT, RIGHT? - RIGHT.
AFTER ALL, THE CHIEF'S LIFE'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN OURS, RIGHT? - RIGHT? - DON'T RUSH ME, 99.
RIGHT.
MAX, LOOK! ( KAOS agent speaks German ) LISTEN, 99, HE'S GIVING FANG VOICE COMMANDS FROM DOWN IN THE BASEMENT.
AND HE'S OPENED THE DOOR TO THE SHAFT AUTOMATICALLY SO FANG COULD HEAR HIM.
- THAT'S IT, 99.
- YOU HAVE ANOTHER PLAN, MAX? YES, AND I'M CERTAIN THAT THIS ONE WILL WORK.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS TO DROP THE BOMB DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT, AND THEN WHEN FANG BARKS, IT WILL DESTROY THEM.
THAT'S BRILLIANT, MAX! HOW DO WE PUT THE BOMB IN THE SHAFT? "HOW DO WE PUT THE BOMB IN THE SHAFT," YES.
WELL, THAT'S THE PART OF THE PLAN I HAVEN'T WORKED OUT YET.
( shrieks, speaks German ) - ( shrieks ) - THAT'S IT! RIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT? THAT'S HOW WE DO IT-- IF YOU CAN IMITATE HIS VOICE, YOU CAN COMMAND FANG TO DROP THE BOMB DOWN THE SHAFT.
BUT HOW CAN I IMITATE A PARROT? NO, MAX, YOU IMITATE THE KAOS MAN'S VOICE.
- LIKE THE PARROT'S DOING.
- BUT HE SPEAKS GERMAN, - I DON'T KNOW ANY GERMAN.
- I DO.
YOU DO? WELL, HOW DO YOU SAY "PICK UP THE BOMB"? - NIMM DIE BOMBE! - NIMM DIE BOMBE! FANG, NIMM DIE BOMBE! - NIMM DIE BOMBE! - ( knocking ) Chief: MAX, 99, ARE YOU IN THERE? IT'S THE CHIEF.
HE'S HERE.
HURRY! HOW DO YOU SAY "DROP THE BOMB DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT"? LASS FALLEN DIE BOMBE IN DEN SCHAFT.
LASS FALLEN DIE BOMBE IN DEN SCHAFT.
FANG, LASS FALLEN DIE BOMBE IN DEN SCHAFT.
( whirring ) - HOW DO YOU SAY "BARK"? - BELL! FANG, BELL! FANG, "HITEN THE DIRTEN.
" GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - YEAH, WE'RE OKAY, CHIEF.
- FANG SAVED US.
- FANG, KOMMEN SIE HER AND SITTEN DOWNEN! ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, MAX? YES, CHIEF, AND FANG DOESN'T UNDERSTAND GERMAN ANYMORE.
THE EXPLOSION MUST'VE RELEASED HIS MIND.
- BETTER TEST HIM, MAX.
- RIGHT, 99.
FANG, LIE DOWN, FANG.
LIE DOWN.
BEG, FANG.
BEG! BEG, FANG.
HOW ABOUT THAT, CHIEF? JUST AS GOOD AS NEW.
THERE YOU GO.
( groans ) SORRY ABOUT THIS, CHIEF.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MAX.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO ME FOR BREAKING ORDERS.
I UNDERSTAND.
MAX, WHAT'S FANG'S DUCK DOING HERE? THAT'S NOT FANG'S DUCK, MAX.
THAT'S YOUR SPECIAL GUN.
WHEN I REALIZED I'D TAKEN IT FROM YOUR OFFICE, I PUT IT IN MY POCKET.
I MUST HAVE DROPPED IT.
- SOMEONE BETTER TELL FANG! - ( gunshots ) NOW YOU KNOW WHY I PUT HIM ON A DESK JOB.
DON'T WORRY, CHIEF.
I'LL HAVE HIM REPORT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING FOR TARGET PRACTICE.
( theme music playing )