Kevin Can Wait (2016) s01e23 Episode Script

1 [Owl hooting.]
It's an owl.
I've never seen an owl.
[Owl continues hooting.]
Hey, Mr.
Owl? I'm not gonna hurt ya.
Just wanna get a look at ya.
[Imitating owl hooting.]
[Hoots.]
You gotta be kidding me! [Grunts, exhales sharply.]
[Sighs.]
[Grunts.]
[Grunting continues.]
[Sighs.]
[Grunting.]
Oh! [Grunting.]
Oh, no! [Grunting.]
[Grunting continues.]
[Sighs.]
[Siren whoops.]
[Vehicle door closes.]
Hey! I know that face.
Gable.
Dawson? You guys got here fast.
No, no, no.
Sergeant Mendez wants to see you.
Your wife said you'd be here.
Listen, uh, I'm kind of in the middle of something here.
Yeah, a window.
I can see that.
All right, come on.
I'll take you down to the station.
Hey, uh, do me a favor.
Let's just keep this between us, okay? Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
I am not your ordinary guy Hey, babe.
Hey.
What happened to your jacket? Oh.
I got into a little situation at work.
Were you trying to steal candy out of the vending machine again? [Clattering.]
I wasn't stealing, all right? That machine wouldn't take my dollar.
Honey, you tipped it over.
I didn't tip it over.
I kept feeding it in there.
And then finally when it did, the spring released, and then the Doritos just got stuck and they were hanging there.
And I shoved it and I broke the sheet rock behind it.
- That's all.
- I don't Okay.
Well, they're gonna charge you for that.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're just gonna fire me.
- Oh, great.
- Yeah.
Oh, and, uh, Sergeant Mendez called me and he, uh, he wants me to go back undercover.
What? You're retired.
I know.
But these guys are close to makin' a bust.
Remember those guys selling that counterfeit art? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well, one of them's been asking about me.
So they need me to make an appearance.
They want the big dog to bark one more time.
Okay.
So wait, are you thinking about going back on the force? No.
It's just it's one day like jury duty.
Jury duty can go on for months.
Not if you tell them you're a pirate.
You're out in one day.
- Okay.
- Also good news It's not gonna affect me going to Mets Fantasy Camp.
Oh, good.
I was worried.
Now you and your friends can go to Florida and pretend that Mookie Wilson really wants to have a catch with you.
Hey, I paid extra for that, okay? And I don't care if he's faking it or not.
It's Mookie Wilson.
Bored Mookie is still Mookie, okay? - Okay.
- Hi, guys.
- Hello, love.
- Hi.
Hi.
Chale whoa! What is it? Picture day down at the unemployment office? Well, actually, I can't get unemployment because I've never had a job, so in your face.
He's dressed nice for a meeting, Dad.
This tech start-up wants to recruit him, and it would be an amazing opportunity.
He'd have a real job and make great money.
Ah, well, I don't know if I'm taking it just yet.
No, no, I know.
It's gotta be the right fit.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sure.
And, Chale, sweetie, I think what Kendra's trying to say for all of us is you make it fit.
Even if you gotta force it, you just jam it in there.
Yeah.
Wire him up.
Good to see you, Gable.
- Retirement looks good on you.
- [Sighs.]
Lot of guys let themselves go.
You're busting my chops, right? 100%.
You look like crap.
Hey, Officer Baskin-Robbins, warm up the hands.
It's like getting felt up by a dead body.
So what's the deal? All we gotta do is find the location of where the deal's going down and we're good.
Let Cellucci take the lead.
Cellucci? You didn't tell me Cellucci's on this case.
'Cause you wouldn't have shown up.
- [Sighs.]
- Could be worse.
You could be stuck in a guard shack window with your ass hanging out.
Dawson showed you that picture? Yeah, it's his screensaver.
There he is.
Hey, baby.
Oh.
[Sighs.]
- It's been what? A year? - [Chuckles.]
I was starting to think she traded you in for a new model.
- Oh, no.
- [Laughs.]
This one hit the lottery on the first spin.
[Laughs.]
More like a scratch-off when you When you win 5 bucks and you don't cash it in - 'cause it ain't worth it.
- Oh, yeah.
- But still you won.
You did win.
- Not really.
These two, huh? Anyway, you guys doing any business in the area? We have some potential buyers lined up.
Yeah, which is why we were thinking that maybe Domingo, I'm sorry.
What is that? I see the two patties, but what's in between there? Is that cheese or an egg? Both.
With two hash browns on top.
- What? - Yeah.
Um, sweetheart.
Domingo was about to tell us Now was that a special order or did you just Did you order that off the menu? It's the breakfast burger.
It's on the second page.
And the egg doesn't drip on your hands? Nope, hash brown soaks it right up.
- Wow, that's thought out.
- Okay, all right.
- It's thought out.
- Okay.
Are we done with the burger talk? Yes, sorry.
Are we done? Okay.
So I'm sorry, please.
Continue.
Uh, no problem.
Actually, this week I'm sorry.
I gotta stop I gotta stop this.
You know what it is? I just I tried to go healthy, but it's just it's not workin'.
I'm traveling and stuff.
You know, I'm gonna start Monday.
I'll start Monday.
Hey, waitress? Can I get - Honey, honey, honey, honey.
- Huh? You keep interrupting people, and they're trying to tell us where they're going for the weekend.
And I wanna hear all about it, but I will hear much better with the breakfast burger.
Two meals, one bun.
I'll be locked on.
Okay, excuse me, waitress.
Could you fly in one of these for my husband? I'll pay you a million dollars.
Thanks so much.
Okay.
Sorry.
I like this guy.
You know what it is about him? He's got an appetite for life.
Yes, life.
That's what he's been eating.
So, you were saying where you were going for the weekend.
Yeah, Boston.
We're having a big art show this weekend.
Oh, Boston.
It's gonna be kind of nice.
I thought maybe [Cellphone chiming.]
Excuse me.
Oh.
Give me one second.
What is it? I thought you told me it was handled.
I'm sorry.
We gotta run.
It's business.
- Sorry, it's just - No, no.
Don't worry.
- But I'll see you guys soon.
- Okay.
- Yes, you got it.
- All right, bye.
- All right.
- What is the matter with you? What? I am try I'm gonna eat around the bite marks.
No! I am trying to get information, and you are yapping about your burger! I'm trying to make things look natural.
- It's called police work.
- [Scoffs.]
And what about you? "Hey, can you tell us where your crime is going down? "And if you wouldn't mind, speak into the tiny microphone in my blouse.
That'd be super.
I like it.
" Come on.
- You got problems, you know that? - Oh, I got problems? Yeah.
[Under breath.]
I told you this was a bad idea.
It's a very good idea.
I got us the information we need.
All right, - you have your own mic, stupid! - Boston.
- It's Boston.
- Get over.
You know what else I got? I got two burgers, I got a vanilla malt, and a salad for my wife.
By the way, we got a pretty big tab out here, so if you can run out a debit card.
I scoped out your rezzie, checked some refs, noodled around on your app submish, and I'm just gonna come out and say it I want you here at Nozzler.
Uh, I appreciate that, Parker, but, uh, - I am an entrepreneur myself - [Thud.]
and I'm not sure that I would be comfortable being a spoke in a wheel.
My dream is to be the wheel.
Hear it, respect it.
In fact, you know who said the same thing about six months ago? Little dreamer named Parker Cohen.
Yeah.
And now I'm about to take this baby public.
Oh, wow.
That's amazing.
Yeah.
And that's when we decide to break open this 50-year-old bottle of scotch.
I don't wanna tell you how much I paid for it, but I'm gonna.
$27,000.
- Oh, wow.
- That is a lot of money.
Yes, it is.
So here's the offer.
Six figs, stock options, piece of everything we develop, plus we rent out Six Flags for our company retreat.
[Exhales.]
I do love the log flume.
And here, a little cinnamon on your breadstick.
A signing bonus.
$10,000? What do you say, Chale? Wanna flume to the moon? Hey, you know where my socks are? Wow.
That is quite the statement.
Yeah, where, uh, where are my Met socks? I need 'em for Fantasy Camp.
Why can't you just wear the socks you have on? That's a great idea.
So when they divide up teams down there, they'll be like, "Okay, uh, we'll take the dude" "with the eye patch.
You can have the sad guy with the regular socks.
" That's cute that you think socks are the reason you get picked last.
I've worked for 20 years for this moment.
- I wanna look the part.
- And you will, but I need your opinion on something first, okay? - All right.
- Okay.
Pick my brain.
So I'm about to get this promotion at work.
Uh-huh.
I know it.
Everybody knows it.
But when they make the announcement, I wanna, like, look surprised and then humble, you know? I've been working on it in the mirror.
So just tell me what you think, all right? Tell me I got the promotion.
"And the new whatever the thing is goes to Donna Gable.
" [Gasps.]
Wha Oh, my G - [Gasps.]
Oh.
- Okay.
Really? Okay.
You gotta you gotta take it down a notch.
Really? Your eyebrows, they're everything They're all over the place.
Okay, but I can't just stand there like an idiot.
I gotta do something.
Just do what I do.
I go from double guns into prayer hands under the chin.
I do a face bow out into a point.
What's up? I like that.
Yeah, whatever.
Where are my socks? Come on.
- Ooh, on top of the dryer.
- Oh.
Great, thanks.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Yeah.
[Clicks tongue.]
Hmm? Mm.
[Door closes.]
Hey! Okay, so Not a good fit.
Oh.
Well, that's okay.
- It was a great fit! - [Laughs.]
Do you see that? What I did there? Yeah.
Okay.
Stock options, a 6-figure salary, and a signing bonus for $10,000.
- That is unbelievable.
- Right?! - Mwah! - Wow.
Okay.
So this is amazing, because I have news, too.
[Chuckles.]
I got accepted to my dream school, Columbia Law.
What?! That's fantastic! It's way too expensive, but it is really cool to know that I got accepted.
No, no.
Look, when Nozzler goes public, money is no longer an issue.
We'll and this is gonna be the best part.
Seeing your father's face when I give him this rent check.
Grab your phone.
This is gonna be epic.
Yes! Donna, I got 'em! Awesome! Mr.
Gable, I present to you a rent check for six months paid in full.
Thank you very much.
- To Fantasy Camp, huh? - Yeah.
- Come on.
- Fantasy camp, baby.
- Whoo! - Going to Mets Camp, are ya? That's always been a dream of mine.
You know, I played Minor League ball.
I had no idea.
Yeah, yeah.
If you ever showed a little interest in my personal life, I probably would've told ya.
Uh, well, hey, have a great trip.
- Hey, Enzo.
- Yeah? Wait a second.
This was supposed to have meatball on it.
I just want to make sure.
Yeah, whatever.
You know what I'm talkin' about.
Whoa! Cellucci.
- What are you doing here? - We gotta see Domingo again.
- What? - Yes, at his apartment right now.
No, I can't.
We're going to Mets Fantasy Camp.
Oh, now you're just twisting the knife now.
No, tonight we got the "Good 'N Plenty Barbecue" with Doc Gooden and then we got drinks on the piazza.
Let me guess With Mike Piazza? No, Tim Teufel.
Look, this case is on the 1 yard line.
I just need you for one hour.
Tops.
One hour, all right? I'll meet you guys at JFK.
Kyle, grab my luggage.
Hey.
The massage is almost over.
Stella just has to crack my feet.
Gonna be a few minutes.
No problem, Domingo.
If you don't care of your feet, who will? - I love my feet.
- [Laughs.]
- I'll be back.
- Yeah, good to know.
I like your feet.
[Lowered voice.]
What are you doing? Are you out of your mind? I got a flight to catch in an hour.
[Lowered voice.]
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Why don't I just waltz in there and tell a half-naked crime lord, "Uh, my fake husband has to get on a plane to Florida to play grab-ass with his stupid friends!"? And some retired Mets.
There's a lot of people down there.
It's big event.
It's a big event.
You're unbelievable, you know that? You worm your way into my case and now you wanna tell me, - you wanna tell me - Whoa, wait a second.
- Wait a second.
Your case? - Yeah.
Okay this is my case! [Scoffs.]
I didn't worm my way into anything.
Believe me, they called me in here because someone was droppin' the ball.
Oh, yeah.
You.
- Wow.
- Don't - Wow.
- No, no, no, don't you do it.
- Don't "wow"? - Yeah, don't do You don't "wow" me.
- Wow.
- You don't "wow" me.
- Wow.
- I "wow" you.
I "wow" - Oh, you "wow" me? - Yeah, yeah, I "wow" you.
You "wow" me? Well, listen! I am this close to solving this case.
Don't screw it up.
Okay, okay, can you lower your voice, please? 'Cause it is booming! Shut up! The place could be bugged.
[Sighs.]
No, look around, dummy.
I am looking.
Look with your eyes! Oh! - That's how you look.
- Shut up! Hey, I got it.
- The giraffe.
- Okay You don't say "giraffe.
" You point to the giraffe.
You point to it.
- You just said it twice.
- Oh, my God! Just Check the stupid giraffe.
You said That's three times right there.
Okay, okay! Fine! [Mutters.]
Crap! - Hey.
- Hey.
When did we get there? Oh, it's just a little thing I picked up yesterday.
I know you enjoy the occasional cappuccino to put a little pep in your step.
Oh, Chale, you shouldn't have.
Those things are so expensive.
But since you did, let's put some cinnamon - in this mamma jamma, huh? - [Chuckles.]
Um, hey, babe.
Did you buy this for me? Oh, uh, I'm not really good with purses.
Is that a good one? Um, that's a Coach bag.
That's like 400 bucks.
Eh Mm.
What? Wow.
I've been married 20 years and I'm walking around with an Assistant Coach bag.
Ah.
I'm not familiar with that brand.
Kevin got it for me at the Tri County Flea Market.
Um, he got that and my Alvin Klein luggage.
Whoa.
Wait, babe, there's $200 in here.
Huh? Eh, I just wanted you to have a good day.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Gasps.]
I feel like a mob wife.
In a good way.
Oh, Chale, you might wanna pump the brakes a little bit.
Look, I'm just trying to show everyone how much I appreciate them.
It's not oh.
I almost forgot.
Jackie! - Yeah? - Here's a few slices of cheddar for you to get that video game.
I am diggin' rich Chale! [Chale chuckles.]
In this house, money buys affection.
Don't hate the player, hate the game.
What the hell did you do? I barely touched it, all right? - It was halfway falling off already.
- Well, then fix it! Okay, let me just get out my ceramic giraffe repair kit.
I need something sticky.
Give me some gum.
Give me some gum.
I don't even think I have any.
Oh, please.
You're from Massapequa.
Your name's Vanessa Cellucci.
You got gum.
Come on.
Hurry up.
[Chewing rapidly.]
What flavor is this? [Mouth full.]
Passion bubble.
- Passion bubble? What are you, 12? - [Groans.]
Domingo: Be right out, guys! Just putting on pants.
Oh, no rush! - [Lowered voice.]
Hurry up.
- I'm hurrying.
Okay, give me Not enough.
Give me some more.
Give me more.
It's not sticky enough.
Come on.
Okay, just give me your gum.
Give me oh, it's so gross.
- Oh, it's like a river in there.
- All right, shut up! - Hey.
- Thank you so much for waiting.
[Singsongy.]
Who wants drinks? Oh, you know what? I think we're good, because we're in a bit of a time crunch, so All right, well, let's get into it.
This weekend is our biggest art show in Boston.
We thought maybe we could do some business there.
We would We would love that.
Perfect.
So it's settled.
You're coming tomorrow.
Boston.
Oh, snag.
No, no, I mean, I can't make it this weekend, - but I think you can, right, hon? - Yes, I can.
Oh, there you go.
It's gonna be great.
And Boston's such an awesome town, right? [Boston accent.]
"Hey, Tommy, did you touch Bobby's lobster?" "I did not touch Bobby's lobster.
Bobby touched his own lobster.
" [Laughs.]
[Normal voice.]
It's a great city.
No, no, we'll all go together.
We'll make it a couples weekend.
Yes! Oh, you know, I'd love to, Domingo.
But I gotta throw you a "no can do.
" Uh, honey.
[Chuckles.]
I think the the doctor can look at that rash anytime.
Mm.
That's not true, because I called them and they wouldn't move my appointment.
Mm.
And it's pretty irritating.
- Yeah, he can move the appointment.
- He can't.
- He'll be there.
- I'm not gonna be there - He'll be there.
- So I'm not gonna make it.
- He's gonna be there.
- Sorry, I'm not gonna make it.
Sorry.
I can't do it.
Nope.
Not having you both there would be a major disappointment.
You know what? Maybe this isn't the right fit.
All right, you know what? You won this, my little care bear.
You won this one.
She kicked the table.
I saw her Why would you do that? [Cellphone rings.]
Oh, come on.
Don't do this to me.
I don't wanna know what's going on down there.
Drinking beers with Mookie Wilson! Mookie! Ahh! [Laughing.]
Oh, come on.
That should be me! Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I'm having a hell of a time.
Enzo! - Enzo! - Enzo's down there?! I taught Mike Piazza how to make a calzone.
Tomorrow, he's treating us all to spray tans.
- Except me.
[Laughs.]
- [Laughter.]
- Hey, babe.
How you doin'? - I'm missing everything.
Oh, yeah.
But on the bright side, you get to spend a night in Boston.
You could do your whole [Boston accent.]
"Did you touch Tommy's lobster?" bit.
I already did it at Domingo's.
It crushed.
I got nothing to look forward to.
I tell you what I'm doing.
I'm going to Wahlburgers.
That's what's happening.
Hey, you know, it's obvious that they need you to solve this case.
Okay, that's not true.
Why else would they pull a guy out of retirement unless he's essential? You know You know, I do I have abilities that a lot of the other guys, they They just don't have, and He's useless.
I'm actually the centerpiece of this whole case.
Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll get food poisoning.
Hey, maybe I'll even win a medal.
Some kind of like civilian thing for coming in at the last minute there.
Yeah, and you know what? You would deserve it.
He is such a moron.
Donna, you married a good man.
Sometimes I lose sight of that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mm.
Ahh.