New Girl s01e23 Episode Script
Backslide
Wish I had a river I could skate away on Hey, Jess.
I brought you some tea.
Just gonna leave it right here, okay? There you go.
So, Russell, ouch, right? Who saw that coming? Not me.
Heh.
Certainly not Russell.
I guess you saw it coming because you're the one who broke up with him.
- Leave, Schmidt.
- I'll leave.
But you know what? Know this.
You're not the only one hurting, Jessica Day.
The economy stinks, bees are dying movies are pretty much all sequels and l - Don't say "broken penis.
" - have a broken penis.
Don't pretend to know my pain.
- Hey, Jess.
- Hey.
- What's this song called? - "The River.
" - Hm.
- Do you like it? I liked it when you played it the first time at 10:00 last night.
I liked it a little bit less at 2 a.
m.
Now I'm hoping the sun comes up, thaws that river, and that woman drowns.
Get out.
[JONl MlTCHELL'S "RlVER" CONTlNUES PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
Russell was perfect.
What's wrong with me? Am I self-sabotaging? Am I secretly a Cylon? - You just didn't love him.
- What if it's me? What if I have some idea of love in my head and it's just totally wrong? Do not second-guess yourself, okay? It was a tough choice, but it was the right choice.
Yeah.
Mm-hm.
So, what do you think about turning off that song? - I just feel like-- - Off.
Turn it off.
Ow.
It's coming on Christmas They're-- WlNSTON: Oh, my God, she's dead.
SCHMlDT: Come on, 80 more times.
I get it now.
It's a river.
All right, now let's go and get a drink.
Because you really need to get out of this room.
- I'm not ready.
- Turn that song back on.
Caroline and I made up a routine to cheer you up.
- No, you didn't.
CAROLlNE: I'm gonna dance and Nick's gonna clap.
NlCK: Ooh.
- You about ready now? - Yeah, I'm ready now.
- Ooh, ah.
Feel it.
Uh, uh.
Get it, Caroline.
Get it, Caroline.
Born to dance.
Dance.
[BOTH GRUNTlNG.]
JESS [SlNGlNG.]
: Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess I'm gonna end up alone.
I'm gonna be a single old lady flashing people on the subway.
Jess, first of all, you're never gonna be old.
Because humans, we're gonna be immortal by 2026.
- Second of all, give me your phone.
- Why? Do you want to drunkenly call Russell, tell him what a mistake you made? - You don't wanna backslide.
- Be quiet.
Your life is too perfect to talk to anyone in Jess' condition.
Look, Jess, backsliding is what happens after a clean break when you freak out and you go crawling back and you just make everything messy and horrible.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- You have "backslider" written all over.
Did I tell you my boss invited me to play poker with him tonight? Crazy thing, he never invites anybody to play poker with him.
- I'm in the prime of my life.
- Winston, shut up.
- I need my phone.
- No.
I need to call Russell to tell him I left my pajamas there.
The fact that you are wearing pajamas in the presence of your lover tells me that relationship was doomed.
No.
Don't fake me out.
- Are you guys playing a game? SCHMlDT & JESS: No.
Hey, good-looking.
- Hey.
- What can I get you? How about one of those Nick Miller Manhattans? Ah, straight bourbon in a plastic cup.
CAROLlNE: Heh-heh.
- Come with me.
[ALABAMA SHAKES' "HOLD ON" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS.]
- Think we should show him the DVD? - What DVD? Nick made a DVD after the last time Caroline broke up with him.
All the reasons why they shouldn't get back together.
- We hid it somewhere in the loft.
- Ooh, intrigue.
Mama like.
I don't know that we-- Cece's here.
Why is she dressed like a Women's Studies major? SCHMlDT: It's precautionary, just until my junk heals.
Ow.
Owie.
Damn it.
WlNSTON: You okay? SCHMlDT: No, I'm not okay.
- What is going on, Jess? - I was thinking about this word that I learned from Schmidt: Backsliding.
So you're saying I'm a backslider? I don't know what we're supposed to do together.
Everything turns you on.
Oh, look, Cece, a bird.
Ow.
Ah, damn it.
Schmidt, it's a mother bird in her nest.
- Must I say it, Cece? - What? - The eggs.
- Okay.
Okay, sure.
Look, did Caroline physically, mentally and emotionally abuse me for years? Yes.
But she changed.
It's about timing.
And the first time around, we weren't ready to work at it and now we are.
And besides, Caroline is way hotter than that voice in my head who sounds like Tom Waits and tells me I'm a failure and I look bad in hats.
I don't wanna spend my whole life with him.
You know what I mean? Okay.
You'll get a break from me tomorrow.
- I've got to go visit my dadi.
- What? - My grandmother.
- Your bubbe? - Yes, my-- - I have a bubbe.
- My bubbe is in a home.
- Old people freak me out.
With their hands and their legs They're like the human version of pleated pants.
- Really? JESS: Hey, Schmidt.
- Hey.
- Can I borrow your jacket? - Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
CECE: You aren't into old people? SCHMlDT: Not at all.
I mean, just horrible.
Like giant walking raisins.
They're in a home It's me.
I've been thinking a lot about you.
MAN: Jess? JESS: Mm? MAN: I can't feel my arm.
[PAUL SlGHS.]
Oh Whoa.
I really can't feel it at all.
JESS: Mm.
- Wake up, fella.
You're gonna be late for school.
[SlGHS.]
Genzlinger.
[SlGHS.]
What is that? An earring.
What does it look like? I got wasted last night with Joe and so I got my ear pierced.
This is the perfect moment.
[BOTH CHUCKLlNG.]
- Wait.
I wanna do it.
- Wait, what? JOE: I wanna do it.
- See, this is where it gets weird between us.
[JOE GRUNTS THEN WlNSTON SCREAMS.]
Traditionally, the male of the species is more glamorous.
- When's it coming out? - The earring? No, the smooth jazz album you're dropping.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, guys.
You remember, um, Paul? - Mercedes Genz.
WlNSTON: Genzel Washington.
It's the Genz of the world as we know it.
Everybody, put down your Genz and your Genzils.
- Hey, Schmidt.
What's up, Washington? WlNSTON: Hm? Um, hey, so-- Maybe-- Okay.
PAUL: We'll definitely-- JESS: All right.
JOE: Okay.
Okay.
- Okay.
JESS: All right.
- Backslider.
- Don't.
- You backslid.
- Come on.
You backslid all the way down the hill and back into the parking lot.
Take off your skis and wait for your family in the lodge, Jessica Day.
Look, this could be good.
Paul and I had bad timing before.
And maybe I should just give it another shot.
- Such an ugly crier.
- He is the all-time worst crier.
[CRYlNG.]
It's like he has a slow-motion sneeze.
Winston, what is in your ear? - It's hot.
- Does that feed information to Shelby to keep track of your migration? - Drop it.
- Please, Jess.
- He just got back from Carnival.
- No, l-- These people are disgusting.
I've never been more flaccid in my life.
CECE: Heh.
- Thank God.
I mean, this place is a cardigan gold mine.
- Can I get you anything, Dadi? - A hot-blooded man in a hotel room.
Oh, just get me a puzzle.
- Yeah? - I raised that girl.
She is my life.
And she's not as tough as she looks.
If you hurt her, I will let myself die and then I will haunt you.
- Whoa.
Look at this fireplace, it's huge.
- Caroline, that is not a fireplace.
That is, like, a room you could safely set on fire.
- This is really nice.
So grown-up.
- lt is.
But where is all your stuff gonna go? Like, where will the Grateful Dead bears dance? Didn't realize I lived here too.
Seriously, what do you think about moving in? Wait, you want to move in together? Yeah, I mean, I feel like if we're gonna do this again, we should do it for real.
- Right.
- I mean, I'm 33 years old.
- You're 30 years old, we're the same age.
- No, I lied about that.
I'm 33.
I don't want to start at the beginning again with you.
I mean, you're not not making sense.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
- Knock-knock.
- Hi.
- Hi back.
- Heh.
- Um.
I-- - I have something to tell you.
- Oh.
Sorry.
You go first.
- I'll go first.
Um, I was thinking a lot about, um, you and last night.
- Right.
- And we have something good.
Jess, I have a girlfriend.
- What? - Yup.
A very serious girlfriend.
Oh, my God.
Why didn't you tell me? When you called me, we'd gotten into this fight - and I was really confused.
- You were cheating on her with me? - ls that bad? That's bad.
- It's really bad.
- Oh, no, that's really bad.
- Why would you do that? Now I know what Bill Clinton feels like.
Now I know how Monica Lewinsky feels.
I'm sorry I made you feel like Monica.
Stop crying.
You are literally the ugliest crier I have ever seen.
- You cry-smile.
- Hey, babe, I'm here for lunch.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Oh, no, are you crying? Is everything okay? There's-- I'm sorry to break it to you, but that is the way the electoral college works, man.
It-- It seems so unfair.
- So votes don't mean as much? - lt upsets me too.
[ELECTRONlC JlNGLE PLAYS ON TV.]
- I'm gonna miss you.
- What do you mean? I'm gonna miss you when your caravan moves onto the next village.
Oh, my God.
He has a girlfriend.
He cheated on his girlfriend with me.
- I'm a cheater.
- P.
Genz played you? I saw her.
She looks like an Asian me.
Asian Jess, wh-- Ow.
I can't even backslide right.
I've been her.
I've been Asian me before.
Are you gonna keep calling her "Asian me"? It's becoming a problem.
I don't know her name.
But I do know that if I were her, I'd wanna know what kind of person I was dating.
- That's why I have to tell her.
SCHMlDT: Please don't do that.
Sometimes when you make a mistake, all you can do is own up to it, all right? Because it's something you can't fix.
Knowledge.
Take it easy, black George Michael.
I have to do it.
I have to tell her.
Sixty-one years we've been together, - and four different Batmen.
- Why don't we go for a walk? - I'm gonna go get your sweater.
NANA: Thanks, sweetie.
CECE: Give me one second.
- Wow, so you guys are like real live Yodas, huh? - Can I ask you a question? - Shoot, cowboy.
- How do you build a relationship? - How about Viagra? I use it just to keep from falling out of bed.
How does a guy like me have a chance at making someone like Cece happy? You don't.
Not with all those moles on your face.
- I should just give up.
- That's crazy.
She needs you.
You are exactly what she needs.
[SlGHS.]
- Here's your sweater, Dadi.
- Thank you.
Um, I'll meet you out there in a second, okay? Okay.
Take it easy, Burt.
[SlGHS.]
You know, for the first time in my life I feel like I want something that lasts.
And I want it with you.
I feel the same way.
CECE: You do? - Oh! - Oh.
Aah! - lt hurts so bad.
- What's turning you on? SCHMlDT: Oh! Oh! CECE: The queen of diamonds? The boat? The teeth in the glass? - I care about you so much, but-- CECE: The leaf painting? Is emotional intimacy turning you on? [GROANlNG.]
Are you in that much pain? He passed out.
We need help.
- Yo.
What's up? - How'd the audition go? - What? - For the Disney pirate movie? - Ha-ha.
- Mr.
T called.
He wants to punch you because that looks stupid.
- Lil Wayne wears it, so-- - Little Wayne Gonzalez from Brazil? Who came to the United States to dance and be free? Ah! Baby, I'm in the prime of my life.
- What you been doing all day? - I'm actually looking for an apartment.
It's for Caroline.
She asked me to move in with her.
I'm thinking about it.
- Cool.
Cool.
Sounds like so much fun.
- I'm glad that's your reaction.
I thought you'd say I'm making a mistake.
- Honestly, I didn't want to hear that.
- Yeah, that'd be silly.
Heh-heh-heh.
[TRlLLlNG.]
[CAWlNG.]
- What are you doing? WlNSTON: Huh? - No, no, no.
- Nick.
Nick.
- Nick.
Nick.
NlCK: Don't.
- It's for your own good.
- Get off me.
No, Schmidt.
Grab him.
Okay, grab him.
- You got him? You got him? - Watch the television.
Watch it.
Watch the television.
Watch the TV.
Watch the TV.
- Hello, Nick.
NlCK: No! In all its glory.
Watch it.
You magnificent dumbass.
If you're watching this, it's because you decided - to get back with Caroline.
- Yes, Nick.
I did.
Well, congratulations, you idiot.
- She destroyed you.
- You don't know me, you jerk.
These, my dumb friend, are your tears.
You saved them all.
Think back, Nick, or whatever they call you in your time.
Who dumped you three times? Once before your brother's wedding? He's divorced.
I' ll get another shot.
- This is a poem you wrote.
- I don't want the poem.
But you're too emotional to read it right now.
You're gonna give it to Schmidt for safe-keeping.
- This is your doing, Caroline.
- You were right to trust me.
Two years I held this thing.
- Read it.
- Here they come.
NlCK: Okay.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, a summer's day is not a bitch [NlCK CRYlNG ON TV.]
That's how you wanna talk about Caroline? WlNSTON: I can't move, my earring is stuck.
NlCK: There's something I wanna do to you.
WlNSTON: Don't move.
Don't move.
- Let's act like men.
WlNSTON: Aah! NlCK: You wanna act like men? Let's act like men.
Look at how far you've come, Nick.
- Wanna be a bartender forever? - I still am.
You wanna be a grown man who dresses like an unsponsored professional skateboarder? You don 't wanna live like this.
You're moving on.
You're doing the right thing, so just keep going.
Can I talk to you Nick-to-Nick for a second? I respect you.
You're rocking the hell out of that beard the long hair looks good, despite what other people are gonna say.
The Caroline that broke your heart, I get why you don't like her.
But it's a different Caroline that's picking me up in five minutes.
[NlCK GROANS ON TV.]
Do you want me to live alone in this loft for the rest of my life? Hey, what's the difference between me and Bill Cosby? Thanks, guys.
You helped me figure something out.
All right, I think this was a really nice talk, Future Nick.
I hope you got something from it, because I know that I did.
- I'm gonna call her.
- No.
Give me the phone.
- Coach, he's calling her again.
- We lost him.
We sure did, Captain Black Sparrow.
- Hey, Paul.
PAUL: Hey.
I'm not going to let you lie to your girlfriend.
Okay? It's not fair to her.
So you have to tell her what happened between us or I will.
- You're right.
I have to tell her.
- Yeah.
I'm so scared though.
I don't wanna lose her.
Jess, she's my soul mate.
For someone with a soul mate, you sure had sex with me.
I know, I know.
I don't expect you to believe me.
I wouldn't believe me if I were you.
But check it out.
I even bought her an engagement ring.
[PAUL SlGHS.]
Oh.
- That's beautiful.
- I've been carrying it for weeks trying to find the right way to propose.
I just started panicking, and I got-- I don't know, I got scared and really confused.
I'm so sorry to drag you into this but this was a big mistake.
- Paul, don't make me feel sorry for you.
- I know, I messed up big time.
And I'm gonna lose her.
Oh, God, I can't lose her.
Hey, babe, you left your tuner in my car.
Oh.
Hi.
You're Jess, right? I'm Jenn.
Jenn.
- Well, I was just leaving-- - Jess and I slept together.
- Oh, God.
- What? I wanna be honest.
It happened two days ago, we did lots of stuff.
There was talking, there were hands, we ruined a pillow.
He's making it sound more erotic than it was.
It was just like lying there and bleurgh.
I'm so sorry.
I'm begging you to forgive me.
- I thought that you loved me.
- I'm so sorry.
[PAUL AND JENN SOBBlNG.]
- I'm so sorry.
JENN: No.
PAUL: I'm such an idiot.
- Bye, Paul.
- Wait.
Wait, Jenn-- - Haven't you done enough? - Yeah, I have.
I have done enough.
But I know how you feel.
I've been there.
I've been cheated on before and it feels like someone dropped an anvil on your heart.
Um, but that guy wasn't right for me.
You guys-- You guys are perfect together.
I thought you were Asian me, but now I realize I'm just Caucasian you.
- What? - What? Paul was scared.
And when you're scared, you do stupid things.
- He made a really terrible mistake.
- Really terrible.
The things we did 48 hours ago were so dark-- - I'm handling this.
- Sorry.
Jenn, you love Paul.
I know that because you're still here.
What you guys have, it's way bigger than me.
And I think Paul has something to ask you.
This is not the right time to do this.
In fact, this is a terrible time to do this, but I don't care.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Jennifer Ruth Toyoji.
- I know that now.
- Now that you slept with her? - Happy to help.
PAUL: Uh-huh.
If you still love me at all Of course I still do.
Oh, yeah.
Um [PAUL EXHALlNG SOFTLY.]
- Will you-- ? Will you marry him? - Yeah.
[GASPS.]
- ls that a yes? - Yes.
[RlCHARD WAGNER'S "BRlDAL CHORUS" PLAYlNG ON RECORDER.]
You and Cece are staying away from each other? Only until my penis stops looking like a knotted wizard's staff.
- Sounds tough, man.
- Guys like us, Nick too, we're warriors.
We just keep on fighting and holding on even when we know we're just making a mistake.
Like Nick and Caroline.
- And that earring.
- I'm not giving this up.
You look like you were caught by a fisherman.
I've had it with the jokes.
You look like you should be standing in line to get into Shaquille's birthday party.
Oh, my God, guys.
The most exciting thing just happened.
I helped Paul propose to his girlfriend.
They're engaged.
You're leaving out a part of that.
- Where's Nick? I wanna tell him.
- This should be fun.
Um Nick has something to tell you too.
He's in the bathroom.
Oh, great.
- Really? - She's gonna find out anyway.
- Nick.
Nick.
Hey.
- What, Jess? Um Paul proposed to his girlfriend in front of me.
- That sounds awkward.
- She said yes.
And it was really beautiful.
And it made me realize something.
You're wrong.
All the stuff you said about Caroline being about timing and it just making sense? No.
Because if you really love someone, it's simple.
I understand what you're saying, but-- You deserve something amazing.
And you deserve love.
I know you don't want to be alone, but I'm gonna be there.
I'll tell that Tom Waits voice in your head to shut up.
[lMlTATlNG TOM WAlTS.]
We don't have to settle, Nick.
You're the best.
I'm moving in with Caroline.
We signed the lease this morning.
Thanks for saying all that stuff.
Now that I got your attention, Future Nick there's a few things I'd like to talk to you about.
Be nicer to your ma when she calls.
Stop giving yourself high fives.
Put your head underwater, you 2-year-old.
Be nicer to Coach or he's gonna take off.
Live with other white people.
I know fake karate.
[lN BABY VOlCE.]
I'm Nick, I'm grumpy.
I'm going to put my baby hood on.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Sex is a sprint, not a marathon.
[SlNGlNG.]
You are special, you are special You-- We'll see each other in the future, unless I see you first.
Nick Miller.
I brought you some tea.
Just gonna leave it right here, okay? There you go.
So, Russell, ouch, right? Who saw that coming? Not me.
Heh.
Certainly not Russell.
I guess you saw it coming because you're the one who broke up with him.
- Leave, Schmidt.
- I'll leave.
But you know what? Know this.
You're not the only one hurting, Jessica Day.
The economy stinks, bees are dying movies are pretty much all sequels and l - Don't say "broken penis.
" - have a broken penis.
Don't pretend to know my pain.
- Hey, Jess.
- Hey.
- What's this song called? - "The River.
" - Hm.
- Do you like it? I liked it when you played it the first time at 10:00 last night.
I liked it a little bit less at 2 a.
m.
Now I'm hoping the sun comes up, thaws that river, and that woman drowns.
Get out.
[JONl MlTCHELL'S "RlVER" CONTlNUES PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
Russell was perfect.
What's wrong with me? Am I self-sabotaging? Am I secretly a Cylon? - You just didn't love him.
- What if it's me? What if I have some idea of love in my head and it's just totally wrong? Do not second-guess yourself, okay? It was a tough choice, but it was the right choice.
Yeah.
Mm-hm.
So, what do you think about turning off that song? - I just feel like-- - Off.
Turn it off.
Ow.
It's coming on Christmas They're-- WlNSTON: Oh, my God, she's dead.
SCHMlDT: Come on, 80 more times.
I get it now.
It's a river.
All right, now let's go and get a drink.
Because you really need to get out of this room.
- I'm not ready.
- Turn that song back on.
Caroline and I made up a routine to cheer you up.
- No, you didn't.
CAROLlNE: I'm gonna dance and Nick's gonna clap.
NlCK: Ooh.
- You about ready now? - Yeah, I'm ready now.
- Ooh, ah.
Feel it.
Uh, uh.
Get it, Caroline.
Get it, Caroline.
Born to dance.
Dance.
[BOTH GRUNTlNG.]
JESS [SlNGlNG.]
: Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess I'm gonna end up alone.
I'm gonna be a single old lady flashing people on the subway.
Jess, first of all, you're never gonna be old.
Because humans, we're gonna be immortal by 2026.
- Second of all, give me your phone.
- Why? Do you want to drunkenly call Russell, tell him what a mistake you made? - You don't wanna backslide.
- Be quiet.
Your life is too perfect to talk to anyone in Jess' condition.
Look, Jess, backsliding is what happens after a clean break when you freak out and you go crawling back and you just make everything messy and horrible.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- You have "backslider" written all over.
Did I tell you my boss invited me to play poker with him tonight? Crazy thing, he never invites anybody to play poker with him.
- I'm in the prime of my life.
- Winston, shut up.
- I need my phone.
- No.
I need to call Russell to tell him I left my pajamas there.
The fact that you are wearing pajamas in the presence of your lover tells me that relationship was doomed.
No.
Don't fake me out.
- Are you guys playing a game? SCHMlDT & JESS: No.
Hey, good-looking.
- Hey.
- What can I get you? How about one of those Nick Miller Manhattans? Ah, straight bourbon in a plastic cup.
CAROLlNE: Heh-heh.
- Come with me.
[ALABAMA SHAKES' "HOLD ON" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS.]
- Think we should show him the DVD? - What DVD? Nick made a DVD after the last time Caroline broke up with him.
All the reasons why they shouldn't get back together.
- We hid it somewhere in the loft.
- Ooh, intrigue.
Mama like.
I don't know that we-- Cece's here.
Why is she dressed like a Women's Studies major? SCHMlDT: It's precautionary, just until my junk heals.
Ow.
Owie.
Damn it.
WlNSTON: You okay? SCHMlDT: No, I'm not okay.
- What is going on, Jess? - I was thinking about this word that I learned from Schmidt: Backsliding.
So you're saying I'm a backslider? I don't know what we're supposed to do together.
Everything turns you on.
Oh, look, Cece, a bird.
Ow.
Ah, damn it.
Schmidt, it's a mother bird in her nest.
- Must I say it, Cece? - What? - The eggs.
- Okay.
Okay, sure.
Look, did Caroline physically, mentally and emotionally abuse me for years? Yes.
But she changed.
It's about timing.
And the first time around, we weren't ready to work at it and now we are.
And besides, Caroline is way hotter than that voice in my head who sounds like Tom Waits and tells me I'm a failure and I look bad in hats.
I don't wanna spend my whole life with him.
You know what I mean? Okay.
You'll get a break from me tomorrow.
- I've got to go visit my dadi.
- What? - My grandmother.
- Your bubbe? - Yes, my-- - I have a bubbe.
- My bubbe is in a home.
- Old people freak me out.
With their hands and their legs They're like the human version of pleated pants.
- Really? JESS: Hey, Schmidt.
- Hey.
- Can I borrow your jacket? - Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
CECE: You aren't into old people? SCHMlDT: Not at all.
I mean, just horrible.
Like giant walking raisins.
They're in a home It's me.
I've been thinking a lot about you.
MAN: Jess? JESS: Mm? MAN: I can't feel my arm.
[PAUL SlGHS.]
Oh Whoa.
I really can't feel it at all.
JESS: Mm.
- Wake up, fella.
You're gonna be late for school.
[SlGHS.]
Genzlinger.
[SlGHS.]
What is that? An earring.
What does it look like? I got wasted last night with Joe and so I got my ear pierced.
This is the perfect moment.
[BOTH CHUCKLlNG.]
- Wait.
I wanna do it.
- Wait, what? JOE: I wanna do it.
- See, this is where it gets weird between us.
[JOE GRUNTS THEN WlNSTON SCREAMS.]
Traditionally, the male of the species is more glamorous.
- When's it coming out? - The earring? No, the smooth jazz album you're dropping.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, guys.
You remember, um, Paul? - Mercedes Genz.
WlNSTON: Genzel Washington.
It's the Genz of the world as we know it.
Everybody, put down your Genz and your Genzils.
- Hey, Schmidt.
What's up, Washington? WlNSTON: Hm? Um, hey, so-- Maybe-- Okay.
PAUL: We'll definitely-- JESS: All right.
JOE: Okay.
Okay.
- Okay.
JESS: All right.
- Backslider.
- Don't.
- You backslid.
- Come on.
You backslid all the way down the hill and back into the parking lot.
Take off your skis and wait for your family in the lodge, Jessica Day.
Look, this could be good.
Paul and I had bad timing before.
And maybe I should just give it another shot.
- Such an ugly crier.
- He is the all-time worst crier.
[CRYlNG.]
It's like he has a slow-motion sneeze.
Winston, what is in your ear? - It's hot.
- Does that feed information to Shelby to keep track of your migration? - Drop it.
- Please, Jess.
- He just got back from Carnival.
- No, l-- These people are disgusting.
I've never been more flaccid in my life.
CECE: Heh.
- Thank God.
I mean, this place is a cardigan gold mine.
- Can I get you anything, Dadi? - A hot-blooded man in a hotel room.
Oh, just get me a puzzle.
- Yeah? - I raised that girl.
She is my life.
And she's not as tough as she looks.
If you hurt her, I will let myself die and then I will haunt you.
- Whoa.
Look at this fireplace, it's huge.
- Caroline, that is not a fireplace.
That is, like, a room you could safely set on fire.
- This is really nice.
So grown-up.
- lt is.
But where is all your stuff gonna go? Like, where will the Grateful Dead bears dance? Didn't realize I lived here too.
Seriously, what do you think about moving in? Wait, you want to move in together? Yeah, I mean, I feel like if we're gonna do this again, we should do it for real.
- Right.
- I mean, I'm 33 years old.
- You're 30 years old, we're the same age.
- No, I lied about that.
I'm 33.
I don't want to start at the beginning again with you.
I mean, you're not not making sense.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
- Knock-knock.
- Hi.
- Hi back.
- Heh.
- Um.
I-- - I have something to tell you.
- Oh.
Sorry.
You go first.
- I'll go first.
Um, I was thinking a lot about, um, you and last night.
- Right.
- And we have something good.
Jess, I have a girlfriend.
- What? - Yup.
A very serious girlfriend.
Oh, my God.
Why didn't you tell me? When you called me, we'd gotten into this fight - and I was really confused.
- You were cheating on her with me? - ls that bad? That's bad.
- It's really bad.
- Oh, no, that's really bad.
- Why would you do that? Now I know what Bill Clinton feels like.
Now I know how Monica Lewinsky feels.
I'm sorry I made you feel like Monica.
Stop crying.
You are literally the ugliest crier I have ever seen.
- You cry-smile.
- Hey, babe, I'm here for lunch.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Oh, no, are you crying? Is everything okay? There's-- I'm sorry to break it to you, but that is the way the electoral college works, man.
It-- It seems so unfair.
- So votes don't mean as much? - lt upsets me too.
[ELECTRONlC JlNGLE PLAYS ON TV.]
- I'm gonna miss you.
- What do you mean? I'm gonna miss you when your caravan moves onto the next village.
Oh, my God.
He has a girlfriend.
He cheated on his girlfriend with me.
- I'm a cheater.
- P.
Genz played you? I saw her.
She looks like an Asian me.
Asian Jess, wh-- Ow.
I can't even backslide right.
I've been her.
I've been Asian me before.
Are you gonna keep calling her "Asian me"? It's becoming a problem.
I don't know her name.
But I do know that if I were her, I'd wanna know what kind of person I was dating.
- That's why I have to tell her.
SCHMlDT: Please don't do that.
Sometimes when you make a mistake, all you can do is own up to it, all right? Because it's something you can't fix.
Knowledge.
Take it easy, black George Michael.
I have to do it.
I have to tell her.
Sixty-one years we've been together, - and four different Batmen.
- Why don't we go for a walk? - I'm gonna go get your sweater.
NANA: Thanks, sweetie.
CECE: Give me one second.
- Wow, so you guys are like real live Yodas, huh? - Can I ask you a question? - Shoot, cowboy.
- How do you build a relationship? - How about Viagra? I use it just to keep from falling out of bed.
How does a guy like me have a chance at making someone like Cece happy? You don't.
Not with all those moles on your face.
- I should just give up.
- That's crazy.
She needs you.
You are exactly what she needs.
[SlGHS.]
- Here's your sweater, Dadi.
- Thank you.
Um, I'll meet you out there in a second, okay? Okay.
Take it easy, Burt.
[SlGHS.]
You know, for the first time in my life I feel like I want something that lasts.
And I want it with you.
I feel the same way.
CECE: You do? - Oh! - Oh.
Aah! - lt hurts so bad.
- What's turning you on? SCHMlDT: Oh! Oh! CECE: The queen of diamonds? The boat? The teeth in the glass? - I care about you so much, but-- CECE: The leaf painting? Is emotional intimacy turning you on? [GROANlNG.]
Are you in that much pain? He passed out.
We need help.
- Yo.
What's up? - How'd the audition go? - What? - For the Disney pirate movie? - Ha-ha.
- Mr.
T called.
He wants to punch you because that looks stupid.
- Lil Wayne wears it, so-- - Little Wayne Gonzalez from Brazil? Who came to the United States to dance and be free? Ah! Baby, I'm in the prime of my life.
- What you been doing all day? - I'm actually looking for an apartment.
It's for Caroline.
She asked me to move in with her.
I'm thinking about it.
- Cool.
Cool.
Sounds like so much fun.
- I'm glad that's your reaction.
I thought you'd say I'm making a mistake.
- Honestly, I didn't want to hear that.
- Yeah, that'd be silly.
Heh-heh-heh.
[TRlLLlNG.]
[CAWlNG.]
- What are you doing? WlNSTON: Huh? - No, no, no.
- Nick.
Nick.
- Nick.
Nick.
NlCK: Don't.
- It's for your own good.
- Get off me.
No, Schmidt.
Grab him.
Okay, grab him.
- You got him? You got him? - Watch the television.
Watch it.
Watch the television.
Watch the TV.
Watch the TV.
- Hello, Nick.
NlCK: No! In all its glory.
Watch it.
You magnificent dumbass.
If you're watching this, it's because you decided - to get back with Caroline.
- Yes, Nick.
I did.
Well, congratulations, you idiot.
- She destroyed you.
- You don't know me, you jerk.
These, my dumb friend, are your tears.
You saved them all.
Think back, Nick, or whatever they call you in your time.
Who dumped you three times? Once before your brother's wedding? He's divorced.
I' ll get another shot.
- This is a poem you wrote.
- I don't want the poem.
But you're too emotional to read it right now.
You're gonna give it to Schmidt for safe-keeping.
- This is your doing, Caroline.
- You were right to trust me.
Two years I held this thing.
- Read it.
- Here they come.
NlCK: Okay.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, a summer's day is not a bitch [NlCK CRYlNG ON TV.]
That's how you wanna talk about Caroline? WlNSTON: I can't move, my earring is stuck.
NlCK: There's something I wanna do to you.
WlNSTON: Don't move.
Don't move.
- Let's act like men.
WlNSTON: Aah! NlCK: You wanna act like men? Let's act like men.
Look at how far you've come, Nick.
- Wanna be a bartender forever? - I still am.
You wanna be a grown man who dresses like an unsponsored professional skateboarder? You don 't wanna live like this.
You're moving on.
You're doing the right thing, so just keep going.
Can I talk to you Nick-to-Nick for a second? I respect you.
You're rocking the hell out of that beard the long hair looks good, despite what other people are gonna say.
The Caroline that broke your heart, I get why you don't like her.
But it's a different Caroline that's picking me up in five minutes.
[NlCK GROANS ON TV.]
Do you want me to live alone in this loft for the rest of my life? Hey, what's the difference between me and Bill Cosby? Thanks, guys.
You helped me figure something out.
All right, I think this was a really nice talk, Future Nick.
I hope you got something from it, because I know that I did.
- I'm gonna call her.
- No.
Give me the phone.
- Coach, he's calling her again.
- We lost him.
We sure did, Captain Black Sparrow.
- Hey, Paul.
PAUL: Hey.
I'm not going to let you lie to your girlfriend.
Okay? It's not fair to her.
So you have to tell her what happened between us or I will.
- You're right.
I have to tell her.
- Yeah.
I'm so scared though.
I don't wanna lose her.
Jess, she's my soul mate.
For someone with a soul mate, you sure had sex with me.
I know, I know.
I don't expect you to believe me.
I wouldn't believe me if I were you.
But check it out.
I even bought her an engagement ring.
[PAUL SlGHS.]
Oh.
- That's beautiful.
- I've been carrying it for weeks trying to find the right way to propose.
I just started panicking, and I got-- I don't know, I got scared and really confused.
I'm so sorry to drag you into this but this was a big mistake.
- Paul, don't make me feel sorry for you.
- I know, I messed up big time.
And I'm gonna lose her.
Oh, God, I can't lose her.
Hey, babe, you left your tuner in my car.
Oh.
Hi.
You're Jess, right? I'm Jenn.
Jenn.
- Well, I was just leaving-- - Jess and I slept together.
- Oh, God.
- What? I wanna be honest.
It happened two days ago, we did lots of stuff.
There was talking, there were hands, we ruined a pillow.
He's making it sound more erotic than it was.
It was just like lying there and bleurgh.
I'm so sorry.
I'm begging you to forgive me.
- I thought that you loved me.
- I'm so sorry.
[PAUL AND JENN SOBBlNG.]
- I'm so sorry.
JENN: No.
PAUL: I'm such an idiot.
- Bye, Paul.
- Wait.
Wait, Jenn-- - Haven't you done enough? - Yeah, I have.
I have done enough.
But I know how you feel.
I've been there.
I've been cheated on before and it feels like someone dropped an anvil on your heart.
Um, but that guy wasn't right for me.
You guys-- You guys are perfect together.
I thought you were Asian me, but now I realize I'm just Caucasian you.
- What? - What? Paul was scared.
And when you're scared, you do stupid things.
- He made a really terrible mistake.
- Really terrible.
The things we did 48 hours ago were so dark-- - I'm handling this.
- Sorry.
Jenn, you love Paul.
I know that because you're still here.
What you guys have, it's way bigger than me.
And I think Paul has something to ask you.
This is not the right time to do this.
In fact, this is a terrible time to do this, but I don't care.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Jennifer Ruth Toyoji.
- I know that now.
- Now that you slept with her? - Happy to help.
PAUL: Uh-huh.
If you still love me at all Of course I still do.
Oh, yeah.
Um [PAUL EXHALlNG SOFTLY.]
- Will you-- ? Will you marry him? - Yeah.
[GASPS.]
- ls that a yes? - Yes.
[RlCHARD WAGNER'S "BRlDAL CHORUS" PLAYlNG ON RECORDER.]
You and Cece are staying away from each other? Only until my penis stops looking like a knotted wizard's staff.
- Sounds tough, man.
- Guys like us, Nick too, we're warriors.
We just keep on fighting and holding on even when we know we're just making a mistake.
Like Nick and Caroline.
- And that earring.
- I'm not giving this up.
You look like you were caught by a fisherman.
I've had it with the jokes.
You look like you should be standing in line to get into Shaquille's birthday party.
Oh, my God, guys.
The most exciting thing just happened.
I helped Paul propose to his girlfriend.
They're engaged.
You're leaving out a part of that.
- Where's Nick? I wanna tell him.
- This should be fun.
Um Nick has something to tell you too.
He's in the bathroom.
Oh, great.
- Really? - She's gonna find out anyway.
- Nick.
Nick.
Hey.
- What, Jess? Um Paul proposed to his girlfriend in front of me.
- That sounds awkward.
- She said yes.
And it was really beautiful.
And it made me realize something.
You're wrong.
All the stuff you said about Caroline being about timing and it just making sense? No.
Because if you really love someone, it's simple.
I understand what you're saying, but-- You deserve something amazing.
And you deserve love.
I know you don't want to be alone, but I'm gonna be there.
I'll tell that Tom Waits voice in your head to shut up.
[lMlTATlNG TOM WAlTS.]
We don't have to settle, Nick.
You're the best.
I'm moving in with Caroline.
We signed the lease this morning.
Thanks for saying all that stuff.
Now that I got your attention, Future Nick there's a few things I'd like to talk to you about.
Be nicer to your ma when she calls.
Stop giving yourself high fives.
Put your head underwater, you 2-year-old.
Be nicer to Coach or he's gonna take off.
Live with other white people.
I know fake karate.
[lN BABY VOlCE.]
I'm Nick, I'm grumpy.
I'm going to put my baby hood on.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Sex is a sprint, not a marathon.
[SlNGlNG.]
You are special, you are special You-- We'll see each other in the future, unless I see you first.
Nick Miller.