Scrubs s01e23 Episode Script

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm about to do this.
What's wrong? - I lost my mop.
- Really? No.
But that's the only thing that could make me unhappy, right? You people think of me as nothing but The Janitor.
- That's not true.
- What's my name? I know that the nurses call you Sir Plunge-a-lot.
- I know.
- Come on.
- I'm sure you don't know my name so - John Michael Dorian.
- How did you know my middle name? - Because I care.
Today seems like a good day to hide out in one of my patient's rooms.
You, my friend, are an incompetent fool! Unless, of course, my patient is missing.
Where's my brother? Say, "I don't know," I'll show you what I learned in my crotch-punching class.
I think it's great that you're going back to school.
Why would he wander off? Oh, maybe he went to a real hospital.
He found out he had leukaemia yesterday.
That's life-changing news.
You can't be surprised if he's depressed.
Hey, doc! This guy's got something on his shoulder.
Take a look.
Ben, put the small children down.
Is anybody missing one of these? OK! You heard the doctor.
Sit this one out.
- Please - My hands are free to No, no, Ben! Seriously, Ben! Ben! No, come on, Ben! Stop, Ben.
Put me down.
Ben! Faster! Eagle! You had enough? - Sad.
- You want a turn? - Come on.
- Don't you dare! Don't you dare! No! - No! Ben, put me down! No! - Get a shot of the mean lady.
Hey, shorty.
You short person you take that picture, you'll be glad you're in a hospital.
Help! You've got a Christmas card right there.
You're funny.
I don't understand why you refuse to put on a gown.
Because I don't like people to see my bum.
- So wear underwear.
- You know how I feel about underwear.
Every girl who came to our house in the mid-'80s - Knows how you feel.
- Sweatpants years.
I don't like that much freedom down there.
Makes me tingle in my giblets.
If you don't start taking this seriously I'm a good intern, but when you're dealing with disease and family an intern just doesn't cut it.
What you need is a hero.
Shut up.
Shut up.
And definitely shut up.
But, I didn't say any I know, but I enjoy saying it to you.
OK, here's the deal.
If we're gonna beat this thing, and we damn sure are we'll do it one way and one way only: - We're gonna be a team, team, team.
- I hear you, Dr Cox.
I am so not speaking to you, Rhonda, thank you.
I'm sorry, I'm very excited.
Go! What do you say, children? Are we a team? I'm in.
Go Team Cancer.
Wow, he did it.
I've got to go take care of some other patients.
I don't believe it.
I didn't get tomorrow's Whipple procedure.
- I know.
- This is ridiculous.
Calm down.
What's a brother got to do to get a Whipple? What's a brother got to do? Listen.
You've got to stop turning your medical training into some ego-driven contest.
No one else is doing that.
Oh, I got the Whipple.
Suck it, Turk.
- I will end her.
- No, no.
- Dude, let her go.
- Let go of me.
It'll be so hot.
Can you tell me the treatment regimen for organophosphate toxicity, Dr Reid? I would give intramuscular epinephrine then IV calcium gluconate, and emergency haemodialysis.
If I wanted you to give me three wrong answers in a row I would have just asked for "the usual.
" Dr Murphy, care to jump in? I think it's - Do you have a speech impediment? - Excuse me? You insist on starting every answer with "um.
" So you've either got a speech impediment or you're a stammering know-nothing who doesn't belong in medicine.
Well spoken.
Now, get out! All of you! Get out! Get out! Out! Out! Out! Jumpin' Jupiter, I do enjoy the tough love.
They probably like it too, whether they admit it or not.
Well "Oh, the old guy's so tough on me, but I love him.
" Right? Right? They hate you, Bob.
They hate you from your hooves to the top of your pitchfork.
They hate you, dear God, they hate you good.
What're you laughing at? That "hooves" and "pitchfork" part.
- Why? - No reason.
Now, do you think you can make Ben behave like a patient or not? No problem.
- I got him to put his gown on.
- He sure did.
And now my butt itches on account of this scratchy chair.
What're we watching? Wings.
And shut up, I like the cab driver.
He slays me.
Antonio.
Played by the actor Tony Shalhoub also particularly fantastic in a film called Big Night.
Congratulations.
Your DiMaggio-like streak for saying nothing even remotely interesting is still alive and well.
I didn't care about the abuse.
The most amazing thing was to watch how Dr Cox dealt with his friend.
How he made him feel safe.
- Do I have to get a special doctor? - An oncologist.
Do we have to talk about this? You must have something else on your mind.
Nope.
Just pretty much that leukaemia thing.
Ben, leukaemia is a petty, ugly illness and we'll not dignify it by speaking of it unless absolutely necessary.
Is that clear to you? Gotcha.
You are such a stud.
That was interesting.
So, Doctor Wen.
You asked Bonnie to assist you with this Whipple procedure? - Yes, I did.
- Thanks again, sir.
I guess we should just let it go.
I mean, neither one of us wants to do anything to make it worse, right? You guys ever notice how you're both Asian? Your mother's maiden name is Turner.
So you used your key to get into my personnel file.
Big deal.
Your first kiss was with Sarah Briggs at the embarrassing age of 16.
She wore a green turtleneck.
You wonder sometimes if she still thinks about you.
I'm guessing no.
- How could you possibly know that? - I'm your father.
Good morning, Dr Dorian.
You probably don't notice it yourself, but this hospital is a freak show.
This is my band.
We're all working from different departments in the hospital.
- Legal - Accounting - Shipping and Receiving - Online Property Management Including Pest Control Night Time Security And Non-Arboreal Gardening Services That's That's just great.
We mostly do a cappella versions of cartoon theme songs.
Dr Reid, I hope I wasn't too harsh on you - At rounds this morning.
- Oh, it's OK, sir.
I don't hate myself much more than usual.
Well, turnabout's fair play, and all that, so here's an evaluation form.
I figured I'd try to get a read on how all you interns think I'm doing.
Don't sign your name.
It's completely anonymous, and Dr Reid, I'm no she-doc.
I can take it.
- You're going to crush him, right? - Oh, yes.
- How do you spell "inadequate"? - Give me that.
I'll fill it out for you.
So, Mr Sullivan, your blast percentage is quite a bit higher than we all expected.
Around 80 percent.
That's bad, right? You want the number to be low, huh? Like in golf? Yes, exactly.
Like in golf.
Do you play? Oh, who the hell cares if he plays golf? I was bonding.
You're doing a good job too.
Oh, thanks.
Who is this clown? Paul here is the best oncologist in the room so why don't we all just clam up and listen.
- We need to start chemo.
- When? This afternoon.
I'm afraid this afternoon doesn't work for me.
Ironically, I have a golf game to get to.
Benji, don't sweat it.
Come on, give me a break.
You gonna be there? I've got a thousand patients to look after, so no I'll probably miss this first one, but I will leave my lovely and talented assistant, Kimmy, OK? Yeah, sure, you know, OK.
- Oh, am I Kimmy? - No, I'm Kimmy.
Oh! Good.
Carla torched Dr Kelso for me.
No matter what I wrote, I always brought it back to sexual inadequacy.
- So good.
- Hello, ladies.
- Hey, Doug.
- Hey, Doug.
What did you write on Kelso's evaluation? - What evaluation? - You didn't get yours yet? Nobody got one.
Around here, bad behaviour comes back to haunt you.
Dr Wen, I want to take this opportunity to once again apologise to you and the entire Asian community.
I'll pass it on at the next big meeting.
You know, Christopher surgeons don't have to be shallow, rank-obsessed clichés.
So who's the best surgical intern? Is it Bonnie? Is it me? Come on, I just, I gotta know.
The periampullary carcinoma patient had a failed stenting of the bile duct.
I wanna prep him for a pylorus sparing pancreaticoduodenectomy.
Thanks.
Wassup, T-Man! Show the Todd some love.
Ben seemed pretty down after you left so I could cover and you could hang out.
You're a lamb, but you don't have to.
- I don't mind.
It's - Newbie, stop.
It's funny how people handle bad news in different ways.
Some people have a visceral reaction.
Time to get my soapy-soap on.
Some people go into denial.
No way.
And others What chance do you give a guy with Ben's blast percentage? Huh? Twenty percent? Thirty Maybe? You see, I can't handle that.
I cannot.
So, no thank you there, Johnny.
Others just walk away.
Chemotherapy looks harmless but it's poison pumped directly into your veins.
Every time I got sick when I was a little kid - Mom would get me a Tonka truck.
- Yeah, so? So where's my Tonka truck? - Score.
- The earth-mover.
Can I see? Ah, see it with your eyes, man, not with your hands.
See? I can't believe Perry bailed on you.
Typical.
He's always out the door if things get too real.
This is the true story.
True story! Of four people, forced to hang out in a hospital.
To find out what happens when people stop being polite And start being real.
- He didn't bail.
- If he did, he's a total wuss.
You said you were giving evaluations to all the interns.
Well, not all at once, sweetheart.
With your way there'd be no accountability.
No back and forth.
You wouldn't have to explain to me why, let's see "I'm most likely frustrated because I haven't gotten any since the Bay of Pigs.
" Oh, sir, I'm so sorry.
Are we cool? What could have possessed you to write such filth? I need to tell you something No, that's OK, Carla, I'm gonna take care of that patient.
Dr Kelso, I did it because I didn't think that you'd know it was me and I thought that it would be funny.
Let's take a walk.
I'd like to tell you a few things that I think are funny.
Oh, come on, how could this guy be the best? You want to know the difference between you? When you're working I can always see your wheels turning.
You're thinking about what to do next, what could go wrong.
You're not in the moment.
And as much as it pains me to say this, the Todd is.
Please.
Just because I'm thorough and want to keep two Kelly clamps on in case the appendiceal artery is inadvertently incised so I can gain immediate haemostatic control doesn't mean I think too much.
Shiny scalpel Dum de de dum, de de dum De de dum, gonna slice him up - You're afraid of escalators.
- That's not uncommon.
You like feel of cashmere on your skin.
- How are you doing this? - That's right, you run away! Run away from the truth! Look, Dr Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I think the only reason you're not down at that hospital right now is that you're afraid.
I think you're right.
I do.
That's partly because you've really gotten to know me this year but mostly it's because, well I told you that I was afraid earlier.
Don't tell me you've come here to reiterate things I've already said, because I know the things that I've said.
In fact, I'm the one who said them.
You've got to get back in the game, Coxie.
"Coxie" was a mistake.
Pretend I didn't say Coxie.
Get out.
Look, I It boggles my mind that you would just bail on a patient.
A patient is a stranger in a bed that you can distance yourself from when you need to.
Ben is my friend.
I'm gonna try to visit him over the next couple of weeks but if I can't, then that'll be very sad for me but really, it'll just mean that I'm human.
Oh, and newbie please don't think that you've come here because Ben needs me.
You're here because you're scared that you might have to rely on yourself for the first time.
And that That is just the saddest thing of all.
I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone.
You'd never know, but there's tons of people feeling the exact same way.
Maybe because you're feeling completely abandoned.
Maybe you realised that you aren't as self-sufficient as you thought.
Maybe you know you should've handled something differently.
Or maybe you aren't as good as you thought you were.
Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice.
You can either wallow in self-pity or you can suck it up.
It's your call.
You know what, Dr Wen? I don't care if I'm not the best right now because I'm all about the upside, and one day I'm going to own this place.
That's right.
All of this here all of this right here is gonna be the Chris Turk Wing.
Dr Kelso, I wrote that evaluation.
It was me.
Elliot didn't write a word.
But I would've written every word if I'd had the courage and the other-side-of-the-tracks upbringing Carla did.
- You want to know what I think of you? - You tell him.
You're mean.
As for me, I decided that if Dr Cox couldn't do it well then, I would have to be the one there for Ben.
- Oh, thank God.
- Goodbye, newbie.
So, you know, what's up? You know, this and that.
Hey, I met someone.
- Really? - Yeah.
But she took a stool sample so I think she works here.
Redhead? Tall? - Not on the staff, no.
- No? What a strange young lady.
Are we just gonna sit around here and make jokes the rest of the day? Is that the drill? Listen, if it makes you uncomfortable, then you can just bolt again.
I think it's only fair you hear my end of the story there.
All right, fine.
Aw, man, I love you but you're a complete wuss.
I guess I got a little scared.
Well, let me know if there's anything I can do to help you through this rough patch.
Give me a break.
I'm not good at this stuff.
You know that.
- It's OK.
- I don't like the big conversations.
It's cool.
I've been thinking about death a lot lately.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
You think it's like New York, you know To most people it might have seemed like nothing had changed.
Well, Dr Murphy? - But it had a little.
- Go on.
Could it be lupus? Good job, sport.
As for Ben, he actually responded to the chemo and went into remission.
Hopefully he won't be back, but who knows? Still, that's not what this story's about.
It's about the day I realised that admitting we're not heroic is when we're the most heroic of all.
I guess he'll always be a hero to me.
"Always be a hero to me.
" What a girl! What else we got? Theatre camp.
Bingo.