The Flintstones (1960) s01e23 Episode Script

Pretty swell of the sergeant to tip us off about the secret mission.
We've got to remember not to talk to anyone about it.
It's a top secret.
That should be easy.
We don't know anything about it.
And now, gentlemen, we shall conduct a series of experiments to test your reactions under certain peculiar conditions.
In this first experiment, we will test your reaction to gravity.
How are we doing? I will tell you in just a moment.
Reaction to gravity: Normal.
And here is the insurance policy you and your husband ordered, Mrs.
Flintstone.
It goes into effect as soon as Mr.
Flintstone takes his physical examination.
I see.
Where does he take the examination? At the medical building.
57 Main Street.
Fine.
I'll see that he gets down there right away.
Thank you for dropping it off, Mr.
Mortar.
You're welcome, Mrs.
Flintstone.
Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Mrs.
Rubble.
- Goodbye, Mr.
Mortar.
What's all that fine chipping on the bottom? That's on all insurance policies.
Like, it pays double if a frozen pizza pie falls on your head and like that.
How did you ever talk Fred into taking out insurance? I didn't call it insurance, that would suggest Fred wasn't immortal.
I told him the company was searching for a perfect physical specimen and all the contestants had to take out a policy to enter the contest.
That's pretty good.
I wonder if it would work with Barney? You know what he said the last time we talked about insurance? - No, what? - He said he wasn't setting it up for some second husband of mine to paint the town.
Especially after he bought the paint.
Men.
I guess no woman really understands them.
No, but it's fun trying.
Okay, Fred, let her go! Right, Charlie.
Sorry, Charlie.
It's okay, Fred.
No harm done.
Lucky you had your safety helmet on.
Rockhead & Quarry Cave Construction Company.
Who? Fred Flintstone? Yeah, hold the line.
Fred, it's for you! - Your wife! - Be right there.
Going up.
Thanks.
Flintstone speaking.
What's up, Wilma? The guy was there about the contest, the insurance company? The physical? Why bother? They can see I'm in perfect health.
One of the rules, huh? All right, where do I go? Betty, where did Mr.
Mortar say Fred was to go for his physical? Some place on Main Street.
I think he said the number was 75.
75 Main Street, Fred.
Why don't you drop by there on the way home? Now, don't get panicky, Fred.
Stop worrying.
I tell you, there's nothing to worry about.
Yes, I will.
Okay.
Cross my heart, I promise I'll keep your dinner hot for you.
I'll see you later.
Bye-bye.
From the way he carried on I thought I'd have to bring it to the gravel pit.
Barney is driving today, so you'd better keep his dinner warm, too.
Say, Wilma, I'm not sure of that number on Main Street.
75 Main Street sounds right.
Besides, he knows enough to check the phone book if we gave him the wrong address.
Sure is nice of you to drive me down to Main Street, Barney.
Think nothing of it.
My pleasure.
How come you're getting a physical, Fred? It's one of the rules in the contest I'm in.
I'd suggest you get in the contest, too, but you wouldn't have a chance.
You're over the hill athletically.
Your reflexes don't flex anymore.
What are you talking about? I'm as flexy as I ever was.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, Barney-boy.
Some guys retain youthful muscle tone, like me and others get all spongy, like you.
I'm going to enter that contest, and I bet I'll beat you.
That's okay with me, Barney-boy.
Just don't whimper when you lose.
This is Main Street.
What number were you looking for? 75.
There it is.
Down the street.
- Look at all the guys! - That's to be expected, it's a big contest.
But those guys don't stand a chance.
Is this the line for the physicals? - Yeah, this is it.
- We're all set, Barney.
All right, you men, step inside.
Sure, mister, we'll be happy to give you a physical.
That's why we're here.
My friend would like to get in this thing, too.
Fine.
The more the merrier.
Just sign on the dotted line, and you're both in.
I'll sign first.
- There you are, bud.
- Good.
Now your friend.
Here's the pen, Barn.
- Anything else? - Only the physical.
Doc, I've got a couple of greenhorns for you.
Okay, I'll take the big flabby one first.
The big flabby one! That's you, Fred.
Then I'll take the little spongy one.
That's you, Barney.
- How am I doing, Doc? - So far, so good.
We'll try your reflexes next.
Look, it's moving.
Reflexes: Normal.
Okay, next.
- Like this, Doc? - Yeah, that's fine.
There's always one in every crowd.
How long does this keep up? We've got to get home.
Yeah, I'm getting hungry.
A couple of more recruits? Step right up, fellows.
We'll GI you right now.
One for you and one for you.
Welcome to the Army! The Army? What's he talking about? I don't know, but I'm not sticking around to find out.
Let's get out of here.
Watch it, that thing is sharp.
Congratulations, men.
You've just broken the record for going over the hill.
Three minutes and 23 seconds after joining the Army.
You don't understand.
This whole thing is a big mistake.
It looks like we made the mistake in thinking we can make soldiers out of you in three short years.
Three years! Are you kidding? My wife wouldn't stand for it.
- I demand to go home right now.
- Certainly.
Sergeant, show these men to their new home.
Yes, sir.
Come on, you guys.
Hello, Wilma? Fred.
- Guess where I am? - I know where you're not and that's home, where you should be.
I got some news for you, honey.
Listen.
Barney and I just joined the Army.
It sounded like you said Barney and you joined the Army.
Now, let's have it again, Fred.
Barney and I just joined the Army for three years.
You and Barney joined the Army for three years? Don't expect me to keep your dinner hot that long.
But it's not like I won't be home again.
Barney and I got a three-hour pass for tonight.
Three whole hours? I'll explain it to you when I see you, Wilma.
Goodbye.
You couldn't explain it to me in three years, and I'm in it.
This is all Wilma's fault.
She told me to go to 75 Main Street for a physical checkup.
Guess they're not home.
You'd think they'd be here.
We've only got a little time.
We thought you'd appreciate a military homecoming.
Very funny.
Only we wouldn't be in the Army if it wasn't for you two.
What? Do you mean to tell me I told you to join the Army? You told me to go to 75 Main Street and take a physical.
75 Main Street is the Army recruiting office and they give physicals there.
Didn't you tell me 75? Maybe it was 57.
All I know is it's Fred's fault.
What do you mean, my fault? It's Wilma's fault.
- It's Betty's fault.
- It's your fault.
Wait a minute, let's do that over again.
And I'll start it this time.
Why bother? What's done is done.
It's no use crying over spilt milk.
Cry over spilt milk? There's spilt milk.
I laugh at spilt milk.
But this army thing I can't laugh off.
Fred, we've got to get going.
It's a long way back to the camp.
I don't want you to go, Barney.
Don't feel bad, honey, it's not like it's forever.
I'll be home in three years.
Yeah, the three years will go pretty fast.
They will not.
I'll miss you.
I'll get it.
Fred Flintstone speaking.
That's it, Fred.
We've got to go.
They sure keep track of a guy in this man's army.
- Goodbye, Wilma.
- Bye, Betty.
- We'll write to you every day.
- Me, too, Betty.
How do they always manage to bollix things up, Betty? I don't know, Wilma.
Practice, I guess.
Company, attention! Forward march! Hup, two, three, four.
Hey, fatso, stick that chest out! Swing those arms.
To the rear, march! We've been marching for two weeks now, but we don't get no place.
Yeah, all I get is beat feet.
On the double! March! My feet are killing me.
Feet? Mine are so numb I forgot I had them.
Company, halt! Okay, men, take a ten-second break.
- I can't take it, Fred.
- Me neither.
Look at my foot.
Blisters on top of the blisters.
Barney, let's play this thing smart and ditch all this marching stuff.
How? I heard they're reactivating a cavalry company and they're looking for guys who can ride.
- But I don't know how to ride, Fred.
- I don't either.
But we've got three years to learn.
And in his letter Fred said he and Barney were promoted to the cavalry.
Barney wrote to me about it, too.
I can just see them now they and their mounts galloping along as one.
Like poetry in motion.
Barney, how do you stop this thing? Just yell "whoa"! That does it! - Are you all right, Fred? - Yeah.
But we're transferring out of this cavalry right now.
Let's talk to that new sergeant.
He's a pretty nice guy.
The professor's project, Man Into Space, is at a standstill because you, Sergeant, have not come up with two volunteers yet.
Yeah, already the spaceship is getting kaput.
But General, sir, I asked the fellows casually, you know without revealing the secret and to a man, there's a singular lack of enthusiasm for being shot into outer space, sir.
We have to face up to it, sir.
The spirit of adventure is dead.
It ended with you, sir.
An officer not afraid to lead.
An officer and a gentleman who would never allow a man to do anything he wouldn't do first.
With the look of eagles in your eyes, sir the first one-star general ever to go into orbit.
Just think of it, sir.
Gosh.
Into orbit? Are you out of your cotton-picking mind? I'm in charge of this space megillah, and those in charge never go.
I've noticed that, sir, so I'll ask the men again.
"Ask the men.
" This new army bugs me.
We used to tell the men, and that's what I'm doing.
You get two volunteers today, or you're going to volunteer if I have to strap you in the capsule myself.
And don't give me any bushwah about regulations.
There are a lot of ex-Gls who'd erect a statue to anyone who put a top sergeant into orbit.
Now, where could I get two guys naive enough to volunteer? Mr.
Sergeant, could we see you a minute? Yeah, we want to transfer out of the cavalry.
Transfer out of the cavalry? Come on in, fellows.
This is your lucky day.
I've got just the thing for you.
It's a secret mission.
Never know who's listening.
It's so secret I can't even tell you about it.
All I can tell you is that compared to the cavalry this assignment is out of this world.
That's good enough for us.
We volunteer.
Good.
Report to Professor Van Pebbleschmidt and tell him you're the pigeons Volunteers he asked for.
The general will be so proud of me.
Maybe I'll get a cluster on my good conduct medal.
Pretty swell of the sergeant to tip us off about the secret mission.
We've got to remember not to talk to anyone about it.
It's a top secret.
That should be easy.
We don't know anything about it.
Here come the two volunteers they're going to shoot into space.
I wonder how they found two brave guys like that? Simple.
They didn't tell them what they're volunteering for.
- Hiya, fellas.
- Hiya, soldiers! - When do they blast off? - I don't know.
I'll check with the waitress at the diner.
She gets all the scuttlebutt.
And now, gentlemen, we shall conduct a series of experiments to test your reactions under certain peculiar conditions.
- Please to follow me.
- Lead the way.
In this first experiment, we will test your reaction to gravity.
How are we doing? I will tell you in just a moment.
Reaction to gravity: Normal.
Whatever goes up high, comes down hard.
And now, gentlemen, we'll proceed with the centrovical The spinning experiment.
We will see how many rpm you could take.
Okay, boys, fire one.
Sergeant, make them stop.
I'm getting dizzy.
Okay, men.
Halt! At ease.
Reaction: Normal.
They flopped right on their faces.
And now for the rapid acceleration tests.
When I cut this rope what velocity! Watch it, Barney, that hollow log up ahead! Boy, that was good driving, Barney-boy.
Nothing to it, Fred.
Look, no hands.
Congratulations, men, you've passed all the tests.
And now, the time has come to say farewell.
You mean we'll be out of the Army? You'll not only be out of the Army, you'll be out of everything.
You name it, you're out of it.
How about that, Barney? We're getting out.
Gee, what a nice general.
And as a tribute to your courage, the boys are giving you a musical sendoff.
All right, maestro, start playing.
Wonderful, General.
Attention, men.
And a-one, and a-two, and play! - Gosh, Fred, isn't that nice? - Yeah, and look at the soldiers.
They're all lined up in our honor.
Thanks, fellows.
Come on down to the canteen tonight.
The milkshakes are on me.
I'm all choked up.
I've never seen such an exhibition of raw courage.
There should be something we could do for them.
- We could blast them off now, sir.
- That's it.
Blast them off.
I can't stand watching this.
- What kind of contraption is this, Fred? - Search me, Barney.
Sarge, are we going someplace? Oh, boy.
Yes, isn't it exciting? Don't forget to drop us a card when you get to the moon.
The moon? Did you hear that, Barney? Yeah.
What a sense of humor.
It's a fine machine, Professor.
Just one thing how are the men going to get fresh air? Fresh air? For goodness sake, I knew I forgot something.
Somebody knock a couple of holes in that thing.
Sheriff, come quick! Sundown Cobblestone is in town.
Sundown Cobblestone? When did he get out of the calaboose? We interrupt this program for a special announcement.
Scientists at Camp Millstone are about to send two men into space.
The brave volunteer astronauts are Pvt.
Fred Flintstone and Pvt.
Barney Rubble.
Keep tuned to this station for further developments.
My gosh, we'd better get down there fast and stop them.
- Hold it! - Wait for us! We're all ready, General.
Start the countdown, and keep crossed fingers.
Right.
Commencing countdown.
Six, five, four three, two, one.
Fire! What do you know? It worked.
Hey, you, we want to speak to our husbands.
Barney Rubble and Fred Flintstone.
- Professor, have we got another rocket? - No, I only built one.
I'm sorry, Madam, but that will be impossible.
Pvt.
Rubble and Pvt.
Flintstone are somewhere out there.
Let me out of here.
Somebody call the police.
Barney, look.
All I can see is clouds.
- We must be a million miles up.
- We're on our way to the moon, Fred.
Yeah, the sergeant wasn't kidding.
It's starting to land.
Duck! Barney-boy, this is it.
I want you to know I'm sorry for all the mean things I've done to you.
Likewise, Fred, but we had a lot of laughs together.
- So long, pal.
- So long, Barney.
You're the best little friend I ever had.
- Barney? - Yeah, Fred? - You're okay? - I think so.
Boy, that was a rough landing.
Look at all the craters.
It's just like the pictures of the moon I've seen.
Gives you a funny feeling, being the first man on the moon.
You know what this means, Barney? We're famous.
We'll be on the front page of every newspaper.
Every school kid will read about us in their history books.
- What do you think of that, Barney? - I think it's great, Fred.
- Only there's one thing that bothers me.
- What's that? How are we going to get back to read about it? There they are, ladies.
They're not even dented.
Yoo-hoo, Fred.
Are you all right? What are they doing up here on the moon? Fred Flintstone, you come out of that thing this instant! You too, Barney Rubble! Whatever made you think you could fly a thing like that? It was Fred's idea.
He got tired of walking, so we volunteered.
And I'm unvolunteering right now.
Congratulations, men.
You're the first guys we ever got off the ground.
I'll get a medal for this and you two heroes can have anything you want.
Just name it.
- These two heroes want out of the Army.
- And that's final.
Okay, if that's what you want, you're both out.
- That's what we want, sir.
- Right, sir.
We both want O-U-T-T: Out! Do you mind if we take over from here, General? They're all yours, ladies.
All right, you guys.
Attention! Mark time, march! Forward march! Hup, two, three, four.
How do you like that, Barney? - Out of one man's army - Right into one woman's army.
But I like it.
You're not kidding, Barney.
Let's head for home and some home cooking.
On the double.
March! Hup, two, three, four.
Come on, Wilma, open the door!