The Millers (2013) s01e23 Episode Script

Where's Uncle Nathan? He and Ray are living on the streets for an undercover investigation.
Several homeless people said a van has been snatching them up and dropping them off across the state line.
Stay away from vans, sweetie, they are rolling evil.
Vans don't hurt people, Carol.
People with vans hurt people.
Hey, how come you get to sleep in the bigger box? I'm taller.
Finders, keepers; it's the law of the street.
Plus, we're the same height, anyway.
Sure, standing up but when I lay down, I spread.
I'm like a stick of butter in a hot pan.
That's ridiculous.
You don't believe me? Lie down.
Aw, come on, Ray.
No way.
Finders, keepers! That's the law of the street, baby! I think he's crazy to be out there living in a box with hidden cameras.
Waiting to be kidnapped.
If they harm one hair on his body Good luck.
That thing's waxed cleaner than a Ken doll.
I'm proud of Nathan.
The more risks you take on as a reporter, the higher up the chain you go.
It's like the Scud Stud from the Gulf War.
Or, uh when Katie Couric did her colonoscopy on TV.
That's-that's how you make a name for yourself; dodging missiles.
Or, showing America your pooper.
Yeah, and it's, it's only for a week, Mom.
Nathan said if he's not kidnapped by Sunday, he'll come home.
You know and he, he's not out there alone.
Ray has his back.
Ow! Get off my back! Get out of my house! This is not your house! Mom, what are you doing to my calendar? Just highlighting Sunday as Mother's Day, so you don't forget again.
Yeah.
It was one time, and I was six years old.
Nathan didn't forget Mother's Day when he was six.
He dressed in a tiny tuxedo and asked me to marry him.
Aw And 35 years later, he seems to have gotten his wish.
After living in Myrtle Beach, I sure am looking forward to getting back to our old traditions.
We'll have brunch at LaRosa Bistro and then spend the rest of the day at Nathan's.
What about Motherless Day? "Motherless Day"? Yeah.
It's how we celebrate Mother's Day.
I get a vacation from being a mom.
Mikayla get's a vacation from having one.
No rules.
No nagging.
No judgment.
It's the most fun day ever.
Last year, I called dad "Adam" all day, and then I peed in the sink.
Yeah, Motherless Day is a tradition that my mom started back in the commune.
For one day, she could do whatever she wanted.
And then, nine months later, I'd usually have another half-sibling.
Well, when I'm dead, you can go back to being lawless hooligans.
Wait a minute, so you expect us to change our plans? Do you know how awful the last ten Mother's Days have been for me? Other than your brother sending me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a wonderful poem, I would be forced to spend my entire day alone with your father.
Yes 24 hours alone with your mother; that was my Vietnam.
And I fought in Vietnam.
Okay.
Fine.
You win.
There'll be no Motherless Day.
Aw, come on, Deb.
That's our tradition.
I mean, what are you gonna get rid of next? Naked Easter? Naked Labor Day? Daylight Naked Time? I'm sorry, Adam, but we'll go to brunch at LaRosa Bistro and then we'll head over to Nathan's.
But I promise you, when the clocks move forward this year, our clothes will come off.
Hello.
Anybody home less? Oh, Nate's he's in his bedroom.
Be careful though, he's not in a great mood.
And neither am I.
But we promised, we'd never go to box angry! Well, maybe I'm angry because somebody stole all the rainwater that I collected.
That you collected in my eggshells! Whoa That one had ants in it.
Good! Hey, uh brought you some leftovers.
Oh.
Thanks.
I'm starving.
So, Nathan, what are you gonna do when you get home on Sunday? Oh I'm gonna take a shower, get in a clean bed and sleep for like 24 hours.
Well, yeah, I know, but Sunday is Come on, Debbie, I just want to rest.
Okay? And I, I know that probably means that I'm gonna miss Mikayla's soccer game, but sorry, it's not really soccer.
They all just run towards the ball.
It's like throwing a piece of bread in a duck pond.
So Sunday is just about you? N-Nobody else? It's basically just Nathan's Day? I think I deserve that.
Yes, you certainly do.
Nathan forgot Mother's Day! He forgot Mother's Day! Damn it, this would have better if someone were in here.
I can't believe we're spending Motherless Day making Carol a fruit smoothie for when she wakes up.
Tell me about it.
I filled a pillowcase full of Skittles and put Bad Grandpa on the DVR for nothing.
Yeah.
Sorry, guys.
I'll make it up to you.
It's just, it's not every day I get to outshine my brother, you know? Oh.
Oh.
Here.
Put in some more coffee beans.
I want mom really buzzing when she goes off on Nathan.
What are you doing here? Run, Munchkins! It's the Wicked Witch of the West! Stop it, Tom.
You can't afford to kill any more brain cells.
Is that my mommy I hear? Happy Mother's Day! You too! Oh How sweet.
Does anyone else see my grandfather in that chair? I think I need something to eat.
Is Nathan home yet? No.
But I'm sure he has all kinds of wonderful things planned, since forgetting Mother's Day would be incredibly thoughtless, dare I say, unforgivable.
I have a delivery from Nathan Miller.
Oh, come on! Oh! Those are for me.
Come in.
Come in.
Come in.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I don't have a tip for you.
I leave my wallet on my dresser on Mother's Day.
Oh.
I know.
Here give these to your mother.
Mm.
Those are weeds.
No, they're not.
I'm a licensed florist.
You're holding weeds.
That's weird.
I just got a text saying that my flower delivery's arrived.
Probably for Mother's Day, right? Today's Mother's Day? Oh, God.
Oh, this is bad.
This is very, very bad.
Why? You just said you had flowers delivered to your house.
Yeah.
I got a standing order at McGee's Florist to automatically deliver flowers and a personalized poem every Mother's Day.
One to my mother who used to live in Myrtle Beach and the other to my house for my ex-mother-in-law.
I forgot to change the order.
My mother's got flowers, but she's got the wrong poem.
I got to get that card! Look who suddenly gets busy on Moving Day! I want to wait for Nathan to get home before I open the card, but I really want to read this year's poem.
No.
I'll wait.
But I have to read it.
No, I'll wait.
God! Just read the damn card.
"A mother is a gift from above.
"Always there with unconditional love.
"Your cooking is delicious.
"Your advice is judicious.
"You simply have no flaw.
"You're the perfect mother "in-law.
" I can explain.
"Mother-in-law"?! Wait.
Mom.
Mom.
These flowers aren't for you.
They're for Natalie Durkess, Nathan's ex-wife's mother, not you.
Oh.
What a turn of events.
I have a standing order at McGee's Florist.
I pre-wrote a bunch of poems.
I forgot to cancel Janice's Mom's flowers after our divorce.
I'm sure there's a huge bouquet outside of your old house in Myrtle Beach.
So, you forgot Mother's Day? No the whole reason that I set up the automatic delivery was so that I would never forget.
Or never have to remember.
Well.
Maybe this is a good time for me to read my poem.
"Mother, 'M' is for the moments we've shared, "'O' is for" Wait a second.
Why were Natalie's flowers delivered here? She used to spend Mother's Day here.
"'O' is for only I remember" While I was in Myrtle Beach, you were cheating on me with another mother?! I do not miss that volume.
Look, Mom, come on.
I said I was sorry.
Yeah, with the same mouth that's been lying to me for 10 years.
Oh, no.
She's coming in hot.
Scramble! Don't make eye contact.
She'll see you as a threat.
You forgot Mother's Day! The one day of the year that I expect special treatment and you forgot it! "The one day" that you expect special treatment? "The one day"? Every day since you've lived here has been Mother's Day.
Do you Do you know what being your child is like? It's like, it's like the guy that runs the nuclear power plant.
Every day, you do a thousand things right, but you make one mistake and it's a complete catastrophe.
You know what being your mother is like? Is like being the guy in the power plant whose son is ungrateful.
If you don't want me around anymore, I think it's time that I move.
Oh, come on.
We're doing this again? The "I'm moving out" show? It's not a show.
I need the classifieds.
Where's the newspaper? Oh, no.
There's nowhere to scramble! Just make yourself small.
Has anyone seen a newspaper? Looks like I'll be spending this Mother's Day brunch looking for a new place to live! You know what? I'm not going to brunch.
Okay.
I-I-I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm exhausted.
I spent the entire week living in a box, trying to get abducted, and the only good thing that came out of it is that I now fit in my skinny, skinny jeans.
So forgive me if I don't want to go out so that you can continue this show in public.
Well, fine.
We'll just go without you.
Debbie, let's go.
Oh.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
You barely looked at my flowers.
You didn't listen to my poem.
Do you know what? I give up my entire day to make Nathan look bad and you don't even care.
So, you know what? Forget your Mother's Day.
Motherless Day is back on.
Adam, take me to my couch.
Yes'm.
Take it easy, Carol! They're my ride.
Happy Mother's Day.
Bye, Grandpa.
Fine.
Looks like I'll be going to brunch alone.
Sure you are.
You don't even drive.
How you gonna get there? I'll walk.
And everyone in Leesburg will be pointing and saying, "What kind of son would let his mother "trot along the highway on Mother's Day?!" I'll be walking up Maple Street to First.
In case this information becomes important to you five minutes from now.
Ma'am, I am sorry to bother you again, but there are other people waiting.
And that gentleman has low blood sugar.
Are you sure your family's coming? Don't worry.
They'll be here.
They just needed time to think.
Here.
How about this? I'll speed things along a bit.
I'll send my son a sad selfie.
That's how I got him to bring me a turkey sandwich in the bathtub.
Garçon.
I found the bottom of my glass again.
I thought these, uh, mimosas was supposed to be bottomless.
Ma'am, it has been another 20 minutes.
Perhaps we could move you to the bar until your family arrives.
I'm quite comfortable here.
I see that.
It's just that, like many restaurants, we're in the business of selling food.
Fine.
You want me to order? I'll order.
My daughter and her whole family will have whatever dumb vegetarian thing you have.
My, forever-dieting son will have a salad.
And my ex-husband loves the baked halibut.
So, give him the chicken.
"Give him the chicken!" "He loves the halibut!" Guys, we got to go.
Mom's all alone at LaRosa's and she just texted me a video of all the happy mothers with their families.
Happy mother.
Happy mother.
Happy mother Your mother.
I can't believe she went there by herself.
I can.
It's so typical.
It's just another one of her guilt-trips.
You can't give in to this, Nathan.
Be strong.
Come join us on the couch, where we refuse to feed the beast.
Look, I, I hear what you're saying, Debbie, but, I, I don't think that today is the best day to, "starve the beast.
" It's her day.
It's well, it's Beast Day.
So, it's the perfect day to take a stand.
She'll know you finally mean it.
Unlike all the other times, where you just give in.
What you need to do, is ferberize her.
"Ferberize"? Is that the thing on TV that you hook to your vacuum to give yourself a haircut? No.
Well, that's what I vote we do, anyway.
Hold her down and cut her hair with a vacuum.
She'd hate that.
Ferberizing is a method to help babies go to sleep.
See, instead of running to them when they cry, you just let them cry until they fall asleep on their own.
I-I don't know.
That'd be so hard.
I mean knowing that she's there all upset, I N-N-No one said it was gonna be easy, Nathan.
All right? When Mikayla used to cry, I'd get so upset, that Debbie would have to massage my earlobes.
It creates a wonderfully distracting tingle that you can feel all the way down to your toes.
Okay, so, so you're saying that by ignoring mom, it's not that we're withholding love, it's that we're giving independence? - Exactly.
- Yes.
Okay, yeah, I could do that.
I'm in.
Oh Aw, man, she's holding a loaf of bread like it's a baby.
What, what if we just Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That is tingly.
Nothing wrong with a guy getting a little earlobe massage from his sister, right? It's me, Adam.
Oh, God! Mmm Oh, damn it.
My phone's dead.
I must've took too many pictures.
Excuse me! That's my pocketbook.
Relax.
I just need a phone for two minutes.
Why do you have a gun? - Ma'am, ma'am.
- Huh? You need to stay at your own table.
- Oh, ho, ho.
- And it may be time for you to sit on your hands.
And we're gonna need these chairs - for patrons who have actually shown up.
- Ah, ah, ah.
Not gonna happen.
- Ma'am, let go.
- Nope.
Ma'am, you are making a scene.
You're making a scene! Fine! Ooh That was wild.
I'm still wet and cold.
I'm sorry, but that's all the coats we had in lost and found.
Look, I know I have a kind face, but I'm very close to slapping you.
I think it's time for you to leave.
Yeah, well, my family and I will never come in here again.
Your family was never here in the first place.
You're not gonna like this.
My wallet stays on my dresser on Mother's Day.
It doesn't matter.
The-the meal is on the house.
We just need you to go.
Now.
First, I'll need you to wrap all this stuff up to go.
And if it doesn't live up to my high "cumilary" standards, I will certainly write an eloquent, albeit negative, review on Yelp.
I do not need that boxed up.
Tell me I have to leave your restaurant? Me? Me?! What?! It's my day.
Kidding me? Ask me to leave your restaurant, you big old show-off? This is my day.
My day.
What the? It's after midnight.
Where could she be? Don't worry, I'm sure she's fine.
Sometimes she gets like this, but she always comes back.
She's like a bitchy boomerang.
I made it! Oh, my God.
Mom, you're alive! Where were you? What happened? It was crazy! Crazy! I was walking down Sycamore Street I guess I looked like a homeless person, because some people scooped me up in a van! Oh, my God, it's true! They were snatching up homeless! I'm too pretty to pull off "homeless.
" Right.
Shut up, Nathan.
Oh, yeah, you're right, you're right.
It's not about me, it's about you.
- Yeah.
Mom, did they hurt you? - No.
Actually, they were very nice.
They said they were just trying to clean up the neighborhood.
I must've passed out in the van, 'cause when I woke up, it was dark outside and I was sleeping in a Dumpster with a bum named Larry.
He said "bum" wasn't a very PC term, that he preferred "urban outdoorsman," but that he liked me and so he'd give me a pass on the B-word.
But Mom Okay, why didn't you find a phone and call us? Because I was mad.
So I ditched my heels, traded Larry a ten-minute back rub for these boots, climbed out of the Dumpster, headed south and hitchhiked along 95! Wait wait, you you hitchhiked? This is amazing.
I know, right? I was picked up by a trucker.
His name was Bucky.
He gave me these energy drinks.
They they come in these tiny little bottles and they're amazing.
I could climb a tree right now.
Who wants to climb a tree? - Okay, Mom, Mom, Mom - Huh? Why don't you just sit down? - Dad, why don't you get her some tea? - Yeah.
Decaf.
I'm so sorry that we left you alone on Mother's Day.
Well, you shouldn't be.
I was so caught up in my adventure, and trying to survive, that for the first time in 43 years, I wasn't thinking about being a mother and it was exhilarating! You had a motherless Mother's Day.
See, I told you it was great.
You know what? It was.
And Nathan starting tomorrow, I'm gonna look for a place of my own.
And I mean it this time.
Look, no, Mom, you don't have to Yes, I do.
You know I went from living with your father and taking care of him 24/7 to coming up here and doing the same for you.
The time has come to take care of me.
And the only way to do that is to go out there on my own.
So I'm moving out.
Wow.
When you said, "I'm moving out," I thought I just heard angels sing, but I I'm kidding.
I'm really proud of you, Mom.
And I guess I gave you the best gift ever by forgetting Mother's Day.
Who could be calling here after midnight? Hello? Yeah, she's here.
Ooh, I guess she did.
I'll put her on.
It's your mother.
You forgot Mother's Day.
Oh, crap.
I do this every year.