The Munsters (1964) s01e23 Episode Script

[Sighs.]
Hi, Grandpa.
Where's Lily? She's gone to bed.
You better go up and tell her where you've been.
You've been out three nights in a row.
What are you up to? Grandpa, I don't want Lily to know, but I'm engaged in a project that is going to benefit mankind and keep the streets of our country safe for women and children everywhere.
No.
Yes.
I'm a detective.
What? You, a detective? Herman.
Herman, do me a favor.
Hmm? When the boys from the happy hatch come to fit you with that canvas housecoat, please, don't tell 'em you're my son-in-law! [Laughing.]
What time did Uncle Herman get home last night, Aunt Lily? Not till 11:00.
He had some vague excuse about getting lost on the way home from work.
- Hey, maybe Pop is leadin' a double life.
- A double life? Yeah.
He's really a criminal on parole, and he has to go out at night and pay blackmail to some crooks, so they won't tell everybody his mother runs a saloon in New Orleans.
Eddie Munster, wherever do you get such ideas? It was on the second feature at the kiddies' matinee.
Oh, those horror shows! Eddie, you should spend Saturday afternoons at home doing something more wholesome, like digging up bones in the backyard with Spot.
Where's Uncle Herman now, Aunt Lily? He's down in that lab again with Grandpa.
I don't know what they're up to.
It's awfully quiet down there.
I'd feel a lot better if I could hear a few explosions.
"Follow that man.
"Learn to be a detective in your spare time.
"Earn up to $75 a week.
"Glamour, excitement Official badge with first lesson.
" [Chuckles.]
"United States National Federal Detective Academy.
Box 14, Tijuana, Mexico.
" [Snickers.]
Oh, boy.
My son-in-law, the wetback detective.
Herman, this is a gyp outfit.
Oh, no, they're not.
[Chuckles.]
That's where I have you, Grandpa.
They sent me this official detective kit.
See? Here's my fingerprinting equipment.
- [Grunts.]
- [Laughs.]
And these are what is commonly known in the trade as restraining cuffs.
[Clatters.]
Well Oh, it doesn't matter anyway.
They didn't send me the key.
And, eh-eh, what is this, a Tijuana phone book? No.
This is my 20 easy lessons.
See? Here's a chapter on how to follow men.
Eh? Here's a chapter on how to follow women.
Here's a chapter on how to follow men disguised as women.
You see, Grandpa? I am too a detective.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
Good.
[Chuckles.]
You're a detective.
What do you do now? What do I do now? I give up my present low-salary job for the high-paying rewards of a career in law enforcement.
You mean quit your job down at the parlor? Herman, you're a big man down there.
You, who started out I'm not quitting right now, Grandpa.
I need more experience.
That's why I've been out the last three nights practicing how to shadow people.
Grandpa? Grandpa Oh! Herman, hmm? Not only will you get Lily mad, but if you keep shadowing people, you will wind up with what is known in the trade as a belt in the mouth! Grandpa, you can laugh if you want to, but I'm on the verge of a career in law enforcement.
I've already sent in my application to the Kempner Detective Agency right here in this town.
They said they'd call me.
Are you sure about that? That's just what they said: "Don't call us, we'll call you.
" Herman? And just where do you think you're going again tonight? Uh Eh, just out, dear.
There's some secret work I have to do that will eventually be of great benefit to my family.
All right, go ahead.
I don't suppose it matters to you that you're completely ruining my plans for the evening.
Oh? What plans are those, dear? Oh, just that I'm supposed to go out tonight and collect for our favorite charity, Bundles for Transylvania.
I thought that my husband could at least be with me when I knock on strange doors.
But that's all right.
Go ahead, stay out all evening with your "secret" work.
- But, Lily! - Oh, no.
Go on.
And while you're out, why don't you send a one-word telegram to our poor friends in the Old Country "Starve!" But [Groans.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, it's only you.
Well, w-why don't you sit closer? What for? So I can give you a kiss.
Oh, l-I'd be embarrassed.
Well, then close your eyes.
Will you close yours? Uh-huh.
Okay.
One, two, three.
[Speaking With Chinese Accent.]
Oh, um, me no Peeping Tom.
Me number-one detective.
Oh! Well, he's not at the office.
[Scoffs.]
Secret work, my foot.
I'll just bet he's seeing another woman.
Oh, Aunt Lily.
I'm going down first thing in the morning to the Kempner Detective Agency and have your Uncle Herman followed! [Door Creaking.]
Well, what do you suppose he's been doing, Aunt Lily? Well, I don't know.
But the next time he does it, there'll be a detective behind him taking notes! Well, I'm sure we can handle this case, Mrs.
Munster.
Would you give us a description of your husband? Well, he's average height, about 7 foot 3.
Seven foot 3? [Chuckles.]
Did he ever play basketball? No.
J- Just in the backyard with our son, Eddie.
But he had to give it up.
He kept catching his head in the hoop.
- How about his weight? - Three spins.
Three spins? Yes.
When he gets on the bathroom scale you know the little dial well, it spins around three times.
Put down "heavy.
" How does he wear his hair? Well, um, he wears it a little long on the sides and, uh, flat on top.
- Ears? - Mm-hmm, two.
Oh, they're not a matched set, but only the family can tell.
Herman has a very distinguished lantern jaw and piercing eyes.
And, um, a classic nose.
Oh, and an overhanging forehead.
Overhanging forehead? Yes.
It keeps the water out of his eyes when he's in the shower.
Any, uh, scars or birthmarks? No.
Oh.
He does have a cute little dimple right here.
- Dimple? - It's about five inches long, and this wide and all "jaggedy.
" Do you suppose you could have him followed and find out what he's up to? Well, uh, I tell you, Mrs.
Munster, we're pretty busy right now.
We got a lot of husbands to follow.
It always happens when the warm weather sets in.
Uh, suppose I talk this over with my partner, and we'll get right back to you.
Well, l-I certainly hope you don't find out it's another woman.
I'd hate to lose Herman.
He's one in a million.
One in a million? From the description, I'd say the odds are a lot higher than that.
Mike, I'd hate to put one of our men on this case.
The whole thing sounds so weird.
There's no telling what might happen.
Yeah, but [Phone Ringing.]
Kempner Detective Agency.
This is 702 speaking.
I mailed an application and called you several times last week.
It's that crank who calls himself 702 calling back.
You know, that boob who wants to be a detective? Shall I tell him to get lost again? Wait a minute.
We got nothing to lose.
Why don't we put him on this case, have him follow this Munster character? If he gets his head bashed in, at least the union won't be on our necks.
Uh, look, uh, 702, we got a case for you.
Ajealous woman wants her husband followed.
We'll send you the details.
You take it from there.
Oh, golly.
Oh, gee.
But don't send it to my house.
Uh, send it to my place of business.
Oh, and use my code name.
I don't want anyone to know what I'm up to.
Good-bye.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! [Laughing.]
I'm a detective! I'm a detective! Now, Grandpa, the agency sent me this description of the man I'm supposed to follow.
Evidently he goes out late at night without any explanation, and his wife is suspicious.
This man is a philanderer.
Herman, this man is a bum! That's what he is! Be that as it may.
According to lesson 12 of the correspondence course, the first thing to do is make a composite drawing of the suspect.
I suppose you could do that.
Fine.
Now, you read the description while I make the drawing, like the shrewd, well-trained detective I am.
Good.
[Groans.]
What's the matter? Somebody stole my crayon! Will you calm down? Here.
Here's a pencil.
Oh, thank you, Grandpa.
What's the matter now? There's no point on it.
Give me that.
[Grinding.]
Thank you.
Now, you read the description of the man I'm supposed to follow while I make the sketch.
Good.
Now, "Height: 7 foot 3.
" My, he's a big one.
"Weight: Heavyset.
"Hair: Long on the sides, very flat on top.
" Long on sides, flat on top.
What are you looking at? Nothing.
"Ears: Do not match.
" "Ears do not match.
" What are you looking at now? Nothing.
"Lantern jaw.
" "Lantern jaw.
" "Piercing eyes.
" "Piercing eyes.
" "Classic nose.
" "Classic nose.
" Lantern jaw, piercing eyes, classic nose.
Ist das nicht ein classic nose? Ja, das ist ein classic nose.
Flat on top, lantern jaw, long on sides, piercing eyes, classic nose.
Oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne classic nose.
Herman, will you knock it off? I'm sorry, Grandpa.
I guess I just got carried away.
After all, I was made in Germany.
[Chuckling.]
"Protruding brows.
" "Protruding brows.
" What are you looking at now? Nothing.
"Jagged dimple on forehead.
" "Jagged dimple on forehead.
" Gotcha.
Well, Grandpa? Here's what the poor boob looks like.
What's the matter? Herman, I've got news for you.
This poor boob is you! Me? No.
No, i-i-it couldn't be me.
Grandpa, this man is a philanderer.
If I were chasing women, I'd be the first one to know it.
Wait a minute, Herman.
I've got the answer to the whole thing.
Look, it says here that the woman who wants this man followed is Mrs.
Lily Munster.
But why would Lily want me followed? Because you've been going out at night.
She hired the detective agency to find out what you've been up to.
Oh, I get it.
Then the man I'm supposed to follow is Herman Munster.
Right.
Herman, may I ask what you're doing? Th-There must be a chapter on how to follow yourself.
Herman, look, you can't tell Lily you're a detective.
But I have a scheme.
Now, you go out tonight and stay out as late as usual.
Then, then as Agent 702, you file a very favorable report on Herman Munster.
The agency gives this report to Lily.
Lily is happy, you're happy, and the agency is happy! Marilyn, I want you to sit over there on the sofa.
Grandpa, in your chair.
And Herman, I want you to sit right here so you'll be next to me.
Oh, why all the formality, Aunt Lily? It almost seems like the reading of a will.
I'm afraid it's not that happy an occasion.
- Then, uh, what is it, Lily? - I've brought you all together because a certain member of our family has indulged in many unexplained absences in the evenings.
Now, rather than accuse this person unjustly, I have had this woman chaser followed.
How do you like that, Grandpa? My own wife, Lily, has had me followed.
I can't believe it.
Now, what kind of creatures are we turning into? Anyway, I got this report from the detective agency this morning.
And I'm going to read it right now in front of all of you.
Go right ahead, Lily.
I'm ready for the worst.
"Report submitted by Agent 702 on Herman Munster.
"8:17, suspect left house.
"8:20, suspect patted stray dog on head.
"Proceeded to Maple Avenue.
Helped old lady across street.
"9:06, attended church.
"9:38, prevented man from beating horse.
Well, so far, it sounds like an evening with Pat Boone.
"10:03, followed suspect to Gaiety Burlesque Theater.
" Oh, Uncle Herman! "10:04, suspect crossed street to avoid Gaiety Burlesque Theater.
Rudy's Bar and Grill.
" Aha! "10:16, suspect showed picture "of wife and child to Rudy.
Refused free beer.
'" I always carry that picture.
[Snorts.]
"10:30, visited park.
Fed starving pigeons.
"Bought matches from little match girl.
"Attended church.
Came home.
"Found wife asleep.
"Kissed wife good night.
Went to bed.
'" Herman, I'm so sorry.
L-I never should have blamed you for doing anything wrong, pussycat.
L-I'll never mistrust you again in all my lives.
There, there, Lily.
Uh, I forgive you, dear.
Uh, but I always want you to remember this I want you to remember one thing.
In the great vegetable market of life, I have never been one to pinch the tomatoes.
- Herman! - [Gasps.]
You're not going out again tonight.
You want to get in trouble again? No, Grandpa.
It's just that I did such a good job as Agent 702, the Kempner Agency called me up and gave me another case.
I'm gonna be a bodyguard.
There's some poor unfortunate woman whose husband has been threatening her.
And my orders are, if he comes around, not to get violent, just scare him away.
[Laughing.]
You? How could you scare anybody? [Honks.]
It's nice of you to help me with my charity drive tonight, Marilyn.
With all these problems, I've been neglecting my house-to-house calls.
Well, Bundles for Transylvania is a worthy cause.
Why, back in the Old Country they should get down on all fours and thank you for what you've done.
Come on, dear.
Let's go.
I, um, l-I just wanted to thank you, Mr.
Kempner, for sending over a bodyguard wearing such a frightening disguise.
Yes.
Yes, I'm sure he'll scare my husband away if he comes around.
[Gasps.]
Oh, and, um, I want to apologize for fainting when Agent 702 showed up.
Yes.
For a minute I thought he really looked like that.
Yes.
Well, thank you again, Mr.
Kempner.
Good-bye.
You're sure I can't get you some coffee or something? Oh, no, thank you.
I'm-I'm very comfy.
[Doorbell Rings.]
Don't worry.
I'll get it.
[Doorbell Rings.]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
Good evening.
I'm collecting for Herman! What are you doing here? Oh, Lily.
W-Well, you see, l [Woman.]
If that's my husband, get rid ofhim.
Uncle Herman! Eh Lily, you may not believe this, but I'm Secret Agent 702.
Herman, you may not believe this, but I'm Sonny Liston! Come on, Marilyn.
And when the Kempner Detective Agency gave me the job of being bodyguard to Mrs.
Andrews, I was on my way to fame and fortune as a detective.
Tsk.
But tonight when you knocked me out, they fired me.
There, there.
L-I'm sorry, dear.
I had no idea you were trying so hard to make good for Eddie and me.
Come on, Marilyn.
Let's go in the kitchen and fix sweetie a glass of warm milk.
[Laughing.]
Boy, Herman, you sure got yourself into a mess this time.
Don't worry, Grandpa.
I'll never try to be a detective again.
Good.
But you know something, Grandpa, I saw this ad in a magazine at Mrs.
Andrews's house for something where I can't fail.
What ad? See? I'm gonna study hairdressing in my spare time and make a fortune with my own beauty parlor.