The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e23 Episode Script

This place charges $200 a day for room and board and taking a mud bath? Yeah, but it's very special mud.
And besides, they don't allow any tipping.
You're expecting the crown prince of the South Sea Coral Islands.
Oh, yes, sir, suite A.
We've had it redecorated especially to please His Royal Highness.
Fine.
My name is Roger Colby.
Oh, yes, Mr.
Colby, we got your message that you'd be arriving before His Highness.
We put you right next to him- suite B- as you requested.
Thank you.
Allow me to show you to your suite.
Oh, that won't be necessary.
I'd like to look around if you don't mind.
Oh, very well, sir.
Through the back garden, the balcony- the very last hacienda.
Oh! I'm terribly sorry.
It was my fault.
No, really, it was awfully clumsy of me.
I'm sorry.
No, it was my fault.
That's one of the nice things about silver.
It's very practical.
It doesn't break.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you for the use of your magazine, Count Duchamps.
I'm so happy you have enjoyed it, Count.
So, that's James West.
He doesn't seem very formidable, huh? So you noticed.
I never miss a thing.
It seems such a shame to waste two of us on him.
Oh, you're being greedy, Victor.
You want him all to yourself.
Well, as a matter of fact, neither one of us will have to bother with him if everything goes as planned.
And why shouldn't it? Uh, my dear Count, would you care to join me for a view of the sunset? I hear it would be most formidable.
I'd be delighted.
It is 2:00, Lady Beatrice.
Would you care to join me in an aperitif before tea? Oh, you know I don't take spirits, Monsieur Duchamps.
Thank you very much all the same.
Count Vittorio, aperitif? Um, no, no, no.
Perhaps a little mineral water.
Do you think it will work, Victor? It has to, Boojie.
But from all reports, West is a very thorough man.
The first thing he would do would be to inspect the prince's suite.
It's probably all over by now.
Who's going to find the body? I believe the Lady Beatrice should bring flowers to the prince's rooms.
She'll find it.
Oh, the poor girl.
I do hope she doesn't faint.
She's she's so fragile.
So it's farewell to Mr.
West.
And hello to luxury and all the things a great deal of money can buy.
Once we have the prince safely in our hands.
How do the Americans say it? It's in the bag, old boy.
You know, I've never had a million dollars before.
It must be a a a perfectly splendid feeling.
"Under no circumstances alarm prince "but he is not to come to spa.
His life in danger.
" Talking to yourself, my dear Artemus? Uh, why, yes, Your Highness, a habit I acquired during those lonely nights on the prairie.
Well, I, too, talk a great deal to myself.
In fact it's the only conversation I truly enjoy.
Ooh, breakfast! Mmm.
Uh, it's past 2:00 in the afternoon, Your Highness.
I enjoy an early breakfast.
Mmm.
I can't tell you how glad I am my staff went on ahead to your Washington, D.
C.
, with all our barbarous, uh uh, native food- um, poi, uh, sea slugs, raw fish, ooh- and the ridiculous native costumes.
Papa insists I wear them in your White House.
Uh, tell me, Your Highness, do you always wear that much jewelry? Oh, only when I'm away from home.
You see, jewels are a sign of vanity, and your American missionaries have quite filled my poor papa's head with preachments against vanity, mmm.
Oh, what a relief it is to be human again.
Mmm mmm.
I'm so glad you and James met me in San Francisco and we can sneak off on this lark together and then we can go on to see your President Grant.
Uh, well, my, uh, government just wants to be sure that your visit is a pleasant one, Your Highness.
Mm-hmm, but tell me, Artemus, why why did James go on ahead, and why does he want us to pretend that he's a a Mr.
Roger Colby? Well, you know how it is, Your Highness.
A young bachelor, exclusive resort- he wants to be first with the beautiful girls.
Actually, I've been there, you know, and it's nothing like that at all.
It's deadly dull.
Dull? But it's the most expensive resort in the world.
I've wanted to visit it for years.
Dull, dull, deadly dull.
I just thought.
I know a place in San Francisco- wonderful food, superb wines, the most beautiful women in the world.
Why don't we turn around and go there, huh? You'll have the time of your life.
Impossible, my dear boy.
You see, I've already engaged their mountain lodge for the fortnight by myself.
I plan to do some hunting.
Oh, no, Your Highness, the food there is just awful.
Nothing but fat.
Uh, so are the women.
Mmm, but I love fat women.
You see, in my country, the fatter a woman is, the more admired she is, uh, for the simple reason that there's so much more to love, don't you see? Well, that's perfect.
In San Francisco all the women are Oh, you've got to come there with me.
You'll love it.
You've got to.
Artemus, all my life, my dear papa and his missionary friends have told me what to like and what not to like, as if I didn't have any mind whatsoever of my own.
Now please don't be like that, hmm? It isn't that, Your Highness.
I was just trying to make sure that you knew what San Francisco had to offer: theater, opera Artemus, Artemus, Artemus I'm afraid I must confess to you I did not want to come on this trip.
My father insisted we be friendly to the Americans.
But I would be less than honest with you if I did not admit to you that I find most Americans thoroughly dull, vulgar and common.
Now, Artemus, unless you let me have my own way, I feel I must go on home, and the treaty between our countries will not be signed.
And that would disappoint your president very much, don't you think? Yes, it would, Your Highness, very much.
Then, so much for that.
Now, I think I shall take a long soak in the tub.
You see, I've never been on a buffalo hunt before.
I would be terribly heartbroken if I missed one.
We always seem to be bumping into each other, Miss um, Miss Beatrice.
Lady Beatrice Marquand-Gaynesford.
How do you do? My name is Roger Colby.
I'm terribly sorry if I startled you.
Oh, it's just that I didn't expect to find anyone in here.
I must say, my heart is quite in my throat.
Oh, would you like some wine to wash it down to its proper place? Oh No, no, thank you.
I, uh I just came to bring these flowers to the prince.
The management gave me the key.
Are you a friend of the prince? No, no, I've never seen him in my life before.
But, uh it seemed to be the nice thing to do, what? Yes, very nice thing to do.
Are you a friend of the prince? Yes.
What is he like? Charming.
And a rascal with the ladies.
Oh Really, is he? Tell me, um, does he have Does he have a wife? Yes, dozens of them.
Well, I think I better get back to my crocheting.
You bungler! You stupid, nincompoop, nitwitted bungler! Bea, I And as for you, you're going to get rid of West tonight, and you're going to do it right or I'll cut out your tongue! A most determined woman.
But after all, old boy, we can't do a deuced thing about the prince until West is out of the way.
Somehow it makes checkers ever so much more fun when one plays with diamonds and rubies.
Don't you think? Oh, yes.
Your move.
Uh, yes, sir.
Uh, tell me, Your Highness, don't you ever worry carting all that jewelry around with you? I I mean, there are such things as, uh Is it broken? We're stopping.
I'd better check.
Hold it.
Turn around.
Get moving- we haven't got all day.
Come on! You put those down, they're mine.
Shut up.
We'll take you with us.
You're probably worth more than the jewelry is.
Come on, keep moving! You all right? I don't know.
Where's the prince? Yeah, that's what I mean.
Ooh They they took him along with the jewels.
Bandits.
Did you get a good look at them? Nah, they were masked.
Well, it's too dark to go after them now.
It'll have to wait until morning.
We can't, Jim.
They're expecting him at that resort tonight.
If word gets out that he's been kidnapped, you know what that'll mean- no treaty.
Where do you suggest we look for them in the dark? We've got to do something.
Of course we have to do something.
No prince, no place to turn.
But of course there is, dear boy.
Artie, are you all right? James, my boy, the most marvelous inspiration has just come to me.
You had a bad clout on the head- you're not yourself.
James, the prince is going to show up at that resort tonight.
You'll never get away with it.
You wouldn't like to make a wager on that, would you, old boy? Come on, Jim, it's the only thing we can do.
I don't know.
Look, you know as well as I do that king may happen to like Americans now, but he's only been civilized for the past 20 years.
Now, that's a very thin crust; underneath, he's still a savage.
If anything happened to his son during his visit here, he'll revert.
He'll massacre every missionary, every man, woman and child on that island.
Now, Jim, you know we've got over a hundred people there.
You know there is someone waiting at that resort to kill the prince? I know it.
All right, Artie, it's your neck.
Done.
I I know how you feel about my deliberately exposing myself to would-be assassins.
Well, at least I think I know how you feel.
Although come to think of it, you didn't put up your usual arguments this time.
As a matter of fact, you didn't give me any arguments at all.
You set me up for this, didn't you? You conned me into volunteering.
Artie, how can you think that? And I bit like a hungry fish.
Like a very hungry fish Your Highness.
You know something? I got a big mouth! I do hope nothing untoward has happened.
Do not worry, dear lady.
Time is for the ordinary people.
Yes, but three hours late.
You are becoming like an American, Lady Beatrice.
Time, time, time, always time.
Sometimes I think that for them the universe is a great big clock that God winds up every morning.
Blasphemy, Count Vittorio.
Shame on you.
Mi scusi.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Crown Prince of the Coral Island.
Your Highness, this is an unparalleled honor.
Ah yes, thank you, thank you so much.
Frightfully good of you, awfully good of you.
His Highness is very tired; he's had a long journey.
Wishes all of you a very good evening.
Oh, we understand.
Indeed, we understand.
Uh, please, please, let's not stand on formality.
Ah And now, ladies and gentlemen, shall we all retire to the gaming tables? What's our hurry? They're serving champagne.
Not right now, Your Highness.
Well, can't we play a little roulette or something? I'm wearing my lucky molar.
Yeah, but it's got a cavity in it.
Well, at least get me a drink, then.
I'm freezing to death in this.
As long as you have a warm heart.
I think we should leave right now, Your Highness.
Oh, thank you.
Well, Bea, just say the word.
We're ready.
That man is not the prince.
Thanks to you, West is on his guard now, you bungling lout! Listen, I may have volunteered, but not for this.
You get me some decent clothes.
Whose, the prince's? They wouldn't fit.
Oh, these things, they're ridiculous.
Artie, it's very colorful.
Blue, that's the color, blue- I'll die of pneumonia.
If you're going to die, blue's a lovely color.
Here, you may need this.
Oh, thanks.
Where are you going? You want your pants back, don't you? Yeah.
I watched you play tonight.
Your luck was very poor, but now that I'm here perhaps your luck has gotten better.
Monsieur, I really Please, please! Really, monsieur, please! Would you please stop it! Excuse me.
Oh, Mr.
Colby Everything's all right.
It's all right, ma'am.
He was trying to take advantage of me.
Well, no one is going to take advantage of anyone, believe me.
I do believe you.
Feel better? I'm so frightened.
I wish I were back in England.
Would you Would you see me to my suite? Of course.
I'm so frightened.
Don't be.
Come on.
A glass of cool water might calm you down.
Oh, no.
No, thank you.
I'm all right.
But please do help yourself to a drink.
There's some whiskey in the decanter over there, I believe.
Do you care to join me? No, no.
I don't take hard spirits.
The decanter was left there by the people who had this suite before me.
I was going to pour it out.
Lucky for me you didn't.
I'm very grateful that you appeared when you did, Mr.
Colby.
Who was that man? Monsieur Duchamps? Oh, he's a Frenchman.
Very wealthy Frenchman, I'm afraid.
The banking houses the Rothschilds don't own, he owns.
He was very fond of you, to put it mildly.
To you, lovely lady.
May your future be brighter and even more interesting.
Thanks to you, I feel much safer already.
Do you know that Mr.
Duchamps thinks that money can buy everything, including people? You have no no money? Aristocracy does not always mean wealth, Mr.
Colby.
Indeed, good breeding is often enhanced by poverty.
I have two maiden aunts, both poor, both duchesses, who are the very quintessence of delicacy.
Quite ethereal, quite pale.
Close the door, you fool! Well, whatever we do to him, it will be much too easy.
There was enough potion in that decanter to keep him unconscious for hours.
You have the key? Mmm.
Such a dirty way to go.
Oh, Victor, I've done many favors for you in the past- grant me this one.
What? Let me take care of him.
I'm sorry, Boojie.
When you've taken care of him, I want you to come right back here.
We are going to take the so-called prince to the mountain lodge and have a little talk.
Well, it it would only take two or three minutes.
And Victor always dawdles so.
Do you dare talk back to me? Oh, Bea, of course not.
Next time, Boojie- I promise.
All right, get to work.
It's a wonder he didn't clank when he walked.
Well, shall we get on with it? Uh can you manage alone, old boy? Oh, yes, yes.
Easy as pie.
Well, ta-ta, old chap.
See you at the mountain lodge.
Right you are.
It's open.
Oh, Your Highness, please forgive my intrusion, but I had to see you.
Oh, uh Oh, do get up.
But of course.
Of course.
I'm the Lady Beatrice Marquand-Gaynesford.
Charmed.
How nice to meet one's own sort in this barbarous country.
Oh.
I had brought these flowers for you earlier.
Oh, thank you.
They're quite lovely.
Pretty is as pretty, uh does.
Very pretty.
You're very kind.
Oh, I could be ever so much kinder.
So then, what can I do for you, my dear? I have come to warn you.
I heard some men talking in the garden.
They didn't see me, but I fear that they mean you harm.
Harm? Harm? What sort of harm? I don't know, but I heard them say that they will send here an accomplice first- a lady, I believe- to take you off your guard by distracting you, as it were.
My dear Lady Beatrice, I am much too much a man of the world to be taken in by that sort of trick.
Oh, I know the kind of lady you mean, of course, but, uh I can recognize her from miles away.
There's no cause for fear.
Besides, I'm quite armed, always.
We're quite safe here.
I was about to have a bit of sherry.
Can I offer you a spot? There won't be time.
Don't move or I'll shoot.
I don't think so.
It's not loaded.
But this is.
That thong is quite wet.
But it'll soon dry out.
Then it'll begin to burn rather slowly, I'm afraid.
You know, you could save us all a good deal of time if you would tell us where you've hidden your friend, the prince.
I've already told you.
I don't know where he is.
Well, I have all the patience in the world.
And this hunting lodge is rather remote.
What a perfectly marvelous sherry.
Dearest Bea, you do think of everything.
Dear Bea, what if he really doesn't know? Boojie, he knows.
But with West dead and him dead, how will we ever find the prince? Don't despair, Boojie.
It'll just be a matter of time.
Nobody wants to die.
It's burning sooner than I thought it would.
You know, you don't have too much time.
Look, if I knew, don't you think I'd have told you? I want to live as much as you do.
Well, I must say, you're certainly going about it all the wrong way.
It's Victor.
Victor? Here, Bea.
Uh, everything's all right.
Well, so much for Mr.
James West.
What have you done to him? Oh, he's dead.
He met with an accident in the mud baths at the resort.
Drowned, I believe.
And you don't have very much more time.
Well, don't just dawdle there, Victor.
Come on in.
Uh, Boojie, will you help me with my saddle? I've had a nasty fall.
I've sprained my ankle.
Well, that can wait.
What about West? What would you like to know? Jim! Put down that gun.
One stroke of this knife and your friend here is dead.
I said put down that gun! Disarm him, Boojie.
All of you, against the wall.
Facing the wall, please.
Watch it, Jim! Watch what, Artemus? Those were the two who slugged me and kidnapped the prince.
Artemus, your powers of observation are remarkable.
Your Highness! His Highness has been here since I had him kidnapped off the train.
You had him kid? Why didn't you tell me? I wanted them to come after you and I thought you'd be safer if you really didn't know.
Ooh.
I must say, you look perfectly charming in my feathered cloak, Artemus.
Oh, thank you.
You can go now.
We can handle it.
Thank you very much.
Who are these people, James? Lady Beatrice and her playmates.
Hmm.
Why would they want to do me harm? I think they wanted it to look like Americans had done it.
There's someone in your country very close to your father who doesn't want that treaty signed.
He hired them.
A traitor? But this is incredible.
I can't believe it.
Who? Who? That's what I'm going to find out.
Who hired you, Lady Beatrice? Please don't be so harsh with them, James.
Bea, take his gun.
You see, my dear James, I am that traitor you spoke of.
But don't worry, you will both die as heroes.
When I return home, I shall tell Papa that you and Artemus were killed trying to save me from horrid American bandits.
My three friends here saved me.
Thanks to you, everything worked out just the way I wanted it to.
Feather capes! It's a wonder every bird in the world hasn't frozen to death.
Well, it could be worse- you could be molting.
Very funny, very funny.
Say, uh you would you wouldn't happen to have a picklock on you, would you? Uh-uh, it was in my coat.
But I don't think we'll be needing it.
Guests are arriving.
Outside, please.
Ah, here we are.
There's nothing like a good bottle of wine to start a new day, is there? Well, then, to the hunt! What hunt? Oh, didn't Bea tell you? I'm having a hunt this morning all to myself.
After all, it's really why I came, isn't it? To my buffalo hunt.
Oh, but you're not drinking your wine.
Perhaps after the hunt.
After the hunt? After the hunt? Oh, James.
How can one not help liking you? You are so so droll, so humorous.
"After the hunt.
" Somehow it doesn't sound that funny to me.
He has a very unspoiled sense of humor.
Somewhere I heard of hunting buffalo from horseback with a lance.
I think I should like that.
Diverting, don't you think? Mmm, mmm.
Dear Bea, when I return home, be sure I take along cases and cases of this lovely wine.
Of course.
Won't the missionaries disapprove? I'm afraid they'll have many more important things to disapprove of.
You're going to kill all of them, aren't you? Oh, not I, James.
Papa will.
After what you barbarous Americans have done to me, Papa will be uncontrollable.
And soon he will be gone and I shall be king to do whatever I like, with no interference from the outside.
Hmm.
But, Bea, you must see the lance Boojie is making for me.
It's wonderful.
Come.
Back inside.
You know what he's talking about, his buffalo hunt? Yeah, I know.
What have you got there? Something no self-respecting buffalo should be without.
Now, hold it.
I think I shall start with that buffalo.
Here.
They're too spread out.
I'll try and draw them together.
Good luck.
All right, get in there.
Tallyho! Very good, my two-legged buffalo.
Very agile, very quick! Tallyho! Tallyho! Good show, Your Highness.
Almost got him that time.
Now, Artie! Hold it! You touch that gun and he dies.
Now, over there.
It doesn't matter who kills him, does it? He dies and your countrymen are slaughtered on that island.
My, Bea, that was quick thinking.
Oh, shut up.
Bea! Get over there with them.
Get over there with them? Whatever are you talking about? Come on, do as I say.
She was going to kill you, too, Your Highness.
Looks like you've hired your own murderers.
What are they saying, Bea? Do you think that I want to spend the rest of my life on that rotten island of yours? But our plan.
She was going to go along with you, but just so far.
After we were gotten out of the way, she and her friends were going to kill you, too, Your Highness.
But that's why, it's it's cheating, it's dishonest.
It isn't even ladylike.
Do you think that I care about that silly, comic-opera kingdom of yours and your childish dreams of glory? But what then? What, what, what, what? What is it that you wanted from me, Bea? The jewels, you idiot.
And I've got them now.
You can't mean it, not the jewels.
They're fake.
Like everything else about him.
They're paste.
The jewels, they're paste! You didn't really think they were real, did you? Is that true? Are they? Fake?! Paste?! Well, answer me! Yes, they're paste.
Why, you Ooh! Don't you dare! Put me down! You stop it! Let me go! Calm down, lady! It's all over.
You! Oh, I hate you! You've just made my day.
Delightful.
Pâté aux truffes is my favorite.
Do you have any idea how lucky you are? By all rights, you should be in jail.
Oh, come now, gentlemen, divine right of kings and all that rot, you know.
Besides, I couldn't sign a treaty in jail, now, could I? You tried to double-cross your own father, kill me, and Artemus, you tell him.
Oh, no, not me.
It'd take me all day.
Trivia, trivia, gentlemen.
After all, I am a barbarian.
What do you expect? I expect a treaty, signed, sealed and delivered.
Mmm the treaty, the treaty- such a bore.
All right, your government shall have a treaty.
Your Highness, don't you even feel a little remorse? For what, my dear Artemus? For doing what comes naturally to a half-naked savage from the South Seas? You're lucky I didn't try to cook you as well as kill you.
I wonder which of you is real, the gourmet bon vivant or the jolly lancer on horseback.
I haven't decided yet, James, but when I am king, as I soon shall be, we can decide then.
Mmm, you will come and visit me, won't you? We could even hunt together.
Hunt what? Well, I wouldn't dream of telling you now.
I do adore surprise endings, don't you?