Two and a Half Men s01e23 Episode Script

Jake, time to go! Get your stuff together! After you drop him off at his mom's, you want to see a movie? - Sure, that sounds good.
- Cool.
Enjoy.
Why don't you just tell me you've got a girl coming over? - I didn't want to rub your nose in it.
- Thanks.
- She's gorgeous, by the way.
- Wonderful.
Why are you putting Jake's stuff all over the house? I want this girl to see I'm not just another jerk trying to get her into bed.
- I'm a loving uncle.
- Who's trying to get her into bed.
That's the loving part.
This is the book I read to him at bedtime.
You don't read to Jake.
That's why you're going to the movies! Okay, ready to go.
Is your skateboard still out by the front door? - Sorry, I'll bring it in.
- No.
Leave it there.
See, I do this thing where I trip over it, then I bitch a little bit.
I'm harried, but lovable.
- You got everything? - Yep.
- What about your schoolbooks? - Oh, right.
So, what time are you expecting Little Red Riding Hood? And I'm the big, bad wolf.
Very clever.
And not a bad game to play later.
A little huffing and puffing and blowing.
That's The Three Little Pigs.
Same wolf though, right? - Okay, I got my schoolbooks.
- And your homework? Charlie, if you took half the energy you put into manipulating casual sexual encounters and used it to actually build a relationship, you'd be a lot happier.
Hard to imagine.
Are you saying you never want to settle down? You mean get married? Let me tell you something, bunky.
If you've got someone to clean your house and do your shopping and you're getting action on a regular basis, the only reason you need a wife is if you have some sick compulsion to give away half your stuff.
- What about kids? - I already got one! And the best part is he leaves before we get sick of each other.
Right, dude? - Right, dude.
- Okay, let's go.
- Bye, Uncle Charlie.
- See you next week.
- Where are your shoes? - Oh, right.
I have been so depressed since the divorce, I've gained eight pounds.
And not one ounce went to my boobs.
Honey, you're still better off without the rat bastard.
But I miss the rat bastard.
Listen to me, Kathleen.
I thought I missed my husband, too.
But it turned out to be just a little prescription mix-up.
- Hi, Mom! - And there's my big boy! - Don't I get a hug? - Nope.
Gotta drain the lizard.
Boys.
- Hey.
- Hi, Alan.
- He left his homework in the car.
- Thank you.
Hang on, I have some bills you need to pay.
Great.
I hope they're really big ones.
Hi.
Alan.
So you must be Judith's support group.
That's funny because I'm kind of supporting her, too.
It's not funny ha-ha so much as not funny.
Cookies! Maybe this will take the taste of foot out of my mouth.
So, who's the little baker among us? Foot.
- Can I have a cookie? - Sure, sweetie.
- You are so cute! - I know.
You have a girlfriend yet? No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
So, you're never going to get married? As long as I got someone to clean my house and action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Excuse me? I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.
Okay, bye-bye.
This is my favorite part of the house.
I call it God's room.
Are you religious? Tiffany, how can you not be when you look at something like that? In fact, I'm always telling my little nephew what's important is this.
Not the big house, or the fancy car, or all the expensive toys I'm always buying him.
You are amazing.
I don't know many guys that would make room in their lives for someone else's child.
He's family.
What kind of a man doesn't make room in his life for his own family? Look, it's my brother Alan, who I also made room in my life for.
Excuse me.
Bro! All right, you moron, what part of "stay out, so I can run around naked with a hot chick" didn't you understand? I'm sorry, I'm too depressed to sit through a movie.
And you figured ruining my evening would cheer you up? The movie was just a suggestion.
Go bowling, go sit on the curb, I don't care.
Leave me alone! - Who's that? - Judith.
Again.
She's really upset with me.
- Man, I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
Now get out.
Get out? She's upset with me because of you! That's different.
But still, get out.
Your sexist, manipulative attitude towards women just got into Jake's head, and he spewed it out in front of his mother's angry women's support group.
Wait a minute.
Is it a women's support group that's angry? Or a support group just for angry women? What difference does it make? If they are already angry, then I'm less culpable.
Okay, what did Jake say? Not much.
He just parroted your line about how women are only good for sex and cleaning the house.
Charlie, you didn't really say that? No.
What I said was is that there is really no reason to get married if you've already got somebody to clean and You want to go to the movies with me? Man, Jake's going to love this video game.
Listen to this.
"Sixteen levels of ultra-realistic murder and mayhem, "twenty-four flesh-ripping weapons, "plus gratuitous nudity.
" Let me see that.
- "Scooter's Magic Tree Fort"? - Scooter's a zombie.
It's Tiffany.
She still talking to you after last weekend? What can I tell you? I am hard to stay mad at.
Hello? Hey, Tiff.
I've been thinking about you all week.
Yeah, we did get off to a bad start, and I really blame myself.
No, I'd love to try again.
I'm going to go get Jake, but I'll leave the front door unlocked in case Satan shows up to collect your soul.
Wait a minute.
Alan? I gotta put you on hold a sec, Tiff.
How come Judith's not bringing him over? I don't know.
Judith asked me to do it, and I just got tired of arguing.
She still busting your chops about what Jake said? Look, blame it on me.
- Tell her I'm sorry.
- She won't buy it.
Sure she will.
Women are suckers for a good apology.
Just keep shoveling it on till roses start growing in it.
Poor Satan.
He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty-handed.
Hey, Tiff, I'm back.
That's kind of harsh.
Wait a minute.
Hello? I see, that's not the hold button.
- Hey, is Jake ready? - Not exactly.
Maybe you should come in for a second.
Judith, how many times have I asked you to have him ready when I Hello.
- Sit down, Alan.
We want to talk to you.
- We? Yes.
Sit down.
Okay.
I guess I can stay for a minute.
- No cookies.
- No cookies.
- Alan, Jake is not here.
- Why not? Where is he? - He's sleeping over at a friend's.
- What are you talking about? This is my time with him.
- Yes, I know, but - Judith feels she can no longer allow her son to be exposed to the toxic influence of your brother.
Wait a second.
We have a custody agreement.
Yes, but Judith feels that the welfare of her son supersedes that.
- You can't do this! - Yes, she can.
- Who are you? - They are my friends.
Wait.
What the hell do your friends have to do with this? - We love and support her.
- And we won't let you bully her.
Wait.
Okay, first of all, can the person I talk to be the person who answers me? That's fair.
Okay, I don't want to talk to you people.
This is between me and Judith.
You're absolutely right.
Judith, tell him what we agreed.
Okay.
You can see Jake on weekends, but not at Charlie's house.
But that's where I live.
I'm sorry, Alan, but you're just going to have to choose between your son and your brother.
You know what? Maybe I have a problem with Jake being in this toxic environment.
And I am not leaving until you bitter old crones are out of my house and I have my kid back! All right.
You can stay.
But I want my kid.
Okay, I will go.
- Morning.
- Hey.
- Where are the pancakes? - What pancakes? You always make pancakes on Saturday morning.
I make them for Jake.
Jake's not here.
- Kind of weird without him, huh? - Yes.
Would it lift your spirits if you made pancakes for me? I'm sorry, man.
I told you to blame it all on me.
Charlie, they had moved way past blame.
It was more like a jihad.
Except with no cookies.
Your big mistake was dealing with them as a group.
The trick with women is to split them off from the herd, one by one.
Otherwise, they spook and you risk a stampede.
Kind of like buffalo.
In fact, I will bet that's where that song comes from.
Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight Come out tonight Do you hear yourself? "Buffalo Gals"? Are you insane? This is the kind of talk that started this whole mess! I didn't write the song, Alan.
- Morning.
- Morning, Berta.
- What, no pancakes? - Jake's not here this weekend.
Why not? Apparently Jake took something I said out of context and repeated it in front of his mother and she overreacted, as is her nature.
What did you say, numbnuts? All I said was if your domestic chores are taken care of by one woman and you have an active sexual life with other women, you don't necessarily need yet another woman with whom to tie the matrimonial knot.
And which category do I come in under? I got to say it's the sweet loving, Berta, because this place is a mess.
Morning, everybody.
I brought real maple syrup for the pancakes.
- There's no pancakes, Rose.
- Because Jake's not here.
Because Charlie's an idiot.
Why? I mean, "Why is Jake not here?" Not "Why is Charlie an idiot?" Because we know that.
Hello? Where's my grandson? Oh, God, make this stop.
Good morning, all.
- Hi, Mom.
- Morning.
- So, where's Jake? - Ask Charlie.
- Yeah, ask him.
- Charlie? See? Just like buffalo.
No, Evelyn, I am sorry.
I want you to be able to spend time with your grandson but I just don't want him around Charlie.
Why? Why do you think? That's right.
No, his attitude toward women is not a reflection on you or how you raised him.
Yes, it is.
Look, there's someone at the door, I've got to go.
No, Evelyn, I don't think this would seem less important if I was "getting a little.
" - Judith, can't we talk about this? - There's nothing to talk about, Charlie.
Okay.
Don't talk.
Just listen.
I love Jake and I would never intentionally do anything - to influence him in a negative way.
- I don't care about your intentions.
Okay, I am a jerk, I am immature, I am self-centered, I am Hi, I'm Charlie.
Yes, we've heard about you.
And I will bet none of it's good.
- I am sorry, what is your name? - Linda.
Linda.
Really? I once had my heart broken by a woman named Linda.
Charlie, we are having a meeting.
And I'll bet it was about me.
- Am I right? Come on, be honest.
- Mandy.
Mandy.
I love that song, Mandy.
Listen, I know I can't come in here and ask to be forgiven for some of the stupid things I have said in front of Jake.
But I do have the right to say I am sorry, don't I? I suppose.
- Thank you.
And you are? - Kathleen.
Kathleen, a fine Irish name.
Half-Irish, on my mother's side.
- Are you and your mom close? - Yeah, I guess.
I envy that, Kathleen.
- Me and my mom - Okay, Charlie, give it a rest.
We are not a bunch of sorority girls you can charm with your big, brown eyes.
And nice smile.
Thank you, Mandy.
Linda, I admit I sometimes relate to women on a very superficial level, but I think that's because deep down, I have intimacy issues that probably go back to my mom.
My mother crippled me emotionally! You, too? And I am so afraid I'm making the same mistakes with my daughter.
- You know what - Ruth.
That's the same fear I have with Jake, Ruth.
I've clearly made mistakes, but that's because I'm human.
And after all, what're we trying to do with our children other than to raise them as humans? Stop it, Charlie.
"Our children"? You have no children.
That's true.
Although I don't think it's fair to throw it in my face.
I mean, some of us haven't been blessed with the little ones the way you have.
That was uncalled for, Judith.
Look, I'm being real up-front with you about the mistakes I've made with Jake.
How I've influenced him.
But let's talk for a minute about how he's influenced me.
How this little boy has made me a better man.
Dear God! You are not going to listen to this crap, are you? No, I will not He's lying to you.
That's all he does! Lie! You've got to believe me.
It's okay.
It's all right, Judith.
We are all here for you.
Okay, who's ready for a refill? That kid.
What are you going to do, huh? Charlie, where's the little girl's room? It's down the hall to the right, and around here we leave the seat up, so don't just drop trou and back in.
- You are terrible! - I'm serious.
I'm not coming in there with the shoehorn.
You are getting a little pink there, Kathy.
Turn around, I'll put some more suntan lotion on your back.
Okay.
- Hi, Alan! - Hello.
- You have a lovely home.
- Thank you.
What's happening? A bunch of us came over to have wine in God's room.
Why don't you join us? Thank you.
What the hell? Buffalo Gals, won't you come out tonight Come out tonight, come out tonight Buffalo Gals, won't you come out tonight And dance by the light of the moon - Hey, Dad.
- Hey, pal! What's going on? - I want my friends back.
- I am sorry, what? - Hey, Uncle Charlie.
- There he is.
How you doing, buddy? We missed you around here! - I slept over at Toby's house.
- Cool! Jake, honey, go put your stuff in your room.
Okay.
- He's staying? - Okay, here's the deal.
We go back to the original custody arrangement, but with one new condition.
What's that? Charlie agrees to never, ever, enter my house again.
Done.
- You want some wine? - Charlie Yeah, sure, why not.
How? I told you, I am hard to stay mad at.
Anyway, they're your problem now.
I am going to hang with Jake till Tiffany gets here.
What? You got a normal-sized head.
Thanks.
I am pretty happy with it.
- I don't get it.
- What don't you get? I heard Mom say the reason Uncle Charlie gets into so much trouble is because he thinks with his little head.
It's not that little.
- Okay, you tell your mother - Charlie.
That women are to be honored and respected.
See, Jake? That's the big head talking.
But he only has one head.
You want to tell him or should we let him spin for a while? I'd rather he spin.
Come on, at least give me a clue.
All right.
What do men have that women don't? Beards.
- Lower.
- Beards.
You're right, let him spin.
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