Ugly Betty s01e23 Episode Script

Previously on "Ugly Betty" I love you, Hilda, and I want you to be my wife.
Any preference for how we make your old man disappear? In six months, you'll be running Meade Publications.
That's the idea.
I'm divorcing Claire.
You slut.
Stay away from my husband! - I'm so sorry.
- I love you.
He's my boyfriend, so back off, Betty! I'm gonna fight for Henry.
- You're not the only one in charge.
- But I am the only one with pupils that aren't the size of quarters.
I left my wallet in the bedroom.
Just a second.
Hey, what the- I won't be going home with you.
What? They denied my visa.
Henry.
Hi, it's me.
Uh, Betty.
Sorry.
Uh, I never know at what point you can just say "it's me," and the other person knows who it is.
Anyhow, um, I'm back from Mexico, and I really need to, uh, talk to you.
So just, uh, give me a "ringle.
" I mean, a "jing.
" Um, I'm sorry.
I'm combining "jingle" and "ring.
" Just call me.
Thanks.
Learn to talk! - Hey! - Hey! How's Dora the Explorer, huh? Your trip good? Everything work out with your father's citizenship? Actually, there were some problems.
He's still in Mexico.
But everything's gonna be okay.
We just spoke to the lawyer this morning, and he'll be home soon.
Hey, I brought you something.
Oh, Betty, you shouldn't have.
Oh, I didn't.
This is for Henry.
- Lucky guy.
- This is for you.
A rock? Wow.
It's supposed to be mystical.
The old man who sold it to me said it will help you on your journey of enlightenment or with cramps.
My spanish really sucks.
Anyway, I just know how hard you've been working on cleaning yourself up and everything, so here.
Yeah, that's me, all cleaned up.
Daniel, are you wearing makeup? What, a guy can't wear a little concealer without being judged? Come on.
But you have a black eye.
How did-how did that happen? What, did Alexis do this to you? I've only been gone for a week! No, it wasn't Alexis.
It happened last night.
I saved this kid who fell in the lake in Central Park.
What? I saw this little girl- actually, it was a girl scout- and she had fallen in the lake by the boathouse, and I dove in and hit my head on a rock and pulled her out.
That was it.
No biggie.
Where are we ordering lunch from today? Wait, Daniel, you saved somebody's life? You're a hero! Okay! Okay, it's over.
I mean, I did my good deed for the year.
You know what? I have something else for Henry.
You deserve this.
Gracias.
I thought I smelled jewelry.
What is that? That is my way of thanking you for giving me a second chance at happiness.
Wilhelmina, will you spend the rest of your life with me? Oh, Bradford you know I will.
Oh, my! It's a big flower, isn't it? I designed it myself.
It represents how our love has bloomed.
Happy? Deliriously.
It's like I'm in a fairy tale.
And you are my beautiful princess.
That home-wrecking slut.
I know she's the reason Bradford sent over those divorce papers.
Shut it, fish, and just stack up another set of 40s.
Forgive me, Yoga, but are you sure you don't want to retain just a dash of your femininity? Buff and beautiful.
Look, you said you would help.
My husband won't take my calls.
He won't see me.
I know if I could just get to him, I could save my marriage.
Relax, fish, all right? It's all going down tomorrow when they transfer us upstate.
Four of us in that van- you, me, Chartreuse sugar-free Shirley.
The diabetic? That sweet thing is goin' be the key to our plan.
Hello, it's Alexis Meade.
Um, I need to know when you'll be taking care of the situation with my father.
This waiting is freaking me out.
I told you, it'll happen when it happens.
The less you know, the better.
Now don't be stupid enough to call me again.
Alexis, have you heard the news? Is it my father? What happened? No, uh, it's Daniel.
This girl scout fell in a lake in Central Park, and Daniel jumped in and saved her.
He even hit his head on a rock and got a black eye.
Really? Daniel did that? Look, I know things between the two of you have been a little rough.
And I know that you think he's a total screwup.
But he is a really good person.
You're right.
Sometimes I do forget that.
Betty, I think we should acknowledge his heroic efforts, don't you? Oh, cupcakes! Or-or something even more special, like one big cake? Maybe we can go even bigger.
We should have a press conference.
Yeah! Okay! Um, I'll get right on it.
Oh, where have you been?! I had to wait for Christina to go to the bathroom.
That woman retains water like a 2-humped camel.
Speaking of humps I think I discovered what dear old Fey Sommers used this secret room for.
Look.
No! Either that, or she had a unique take on casual fridays.
You don't think Fey and Bradford would sneak in here and- Thank you for that image.
Now every time I look at the old man, I'm gonna picture him trussed up like a Christmas goose with a ball gag in his mouth.
Inhale Ricky Martin exhale Colin Farrell.
I still can't get over this place.
It is, like, four times the size of my studio.
Okay, we tell no one about this.
Except for the occasional delivery guy who we lure in here to open up his packages.
You are a very bad boy.
Ow! Again - Bad boy! - Ow! Again - Bad boy! - Ow! Again.
Okay, this is getting creepy, even for us.
Can you believe it? That pathetic loser stole my story.
Your story? When I was 14, I was the one who rescued a kid from drowning in Central Park.
I even hit my head on a rock.
So how do you think Daniel got that shiner? Beats me.
But something tells me he won't want it in the press.
Daniel! - Hi.
What are those? - Oh, just a mint.
Really? I've never seen them so small.
There's Henry.
Why don't you go make awkward small talk with your little friend? Oh, my god.
Uh, give me a mint.
What? No, no, you don't need one.
Daniel, I just had an onion bagel.
Betty, your breath fresh as a daisy.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Okay, "ringle" is my new favorite word.
And for the record, I know it's you when you say "it's me.
" Thanks.
Can we talk? Yeah.
Somewhere private? Okay, I have something I have to tell you, and then I'm probably gonna throw up so I'm apologizing for that in advance.
Could we please just have one minute? Thank you.
I did a lot of thinking I did a lot of thinking while I was in Mexico, and I realized that you very rarely get everything you want in life.
But if you don't fight for it, then you have even less of a chance.
So here I am, fighting for you.
And I know you're still with Charlie, but- Okay, seriously, just 30 more seconds.
Please? I think you and I would be amazing, Henry.
We-we-we know what the other one's thinking, and- and we always laugh at the same things, and- you make my mouth go dry every time you walk into a room.
The only thing I ask is that when you reject me, just-just do it quick.
You know, like ripping a band-aid off off of my heart.
I broke up with Charlie.
What? Will you forget the stupid copies?! There are lives going on in here! You were saying? She's not the one for me, Betty.
There's someone else who makes my mouth go dry.
Who is hogging the Ew.
Dorkus interruptus.
- Get out! - Get out! Hey, everyone! Betty's in heat.
This isn't exactly how I pictured this.
You're right.
We need to have a real date.
Our first date? Our first date.
What's that guy's name? Is that the guy who looks like C-3PO? Is tomorrow night at 8:00 okay? That's great.
Okay.
Don't put that in your mouth.
I just cleaned my nails with it.
Kidding.
They're totally sterile.
So Betty Suarez.
You're Dr.
Farkas' patient, huh? Yeah, but I'm just here today for a cleaning.
I have my first date tonight with a guy I'm really crazy about, and I want my teeth to sparkle.
Oh, my god, that is so romantic.
It's like when Julia Roberts flossed before whoring herself in "Pretty Woman.
" Oh, such a great movie, and an important message.
Okay, I just checked her file.
She had a cleaning two months ago.
Her insurance will only cover this every six months.
Oh, rinse and spit, Angelica.
Just put it through! Where's your sense of romance? She's doing this for the man she loves.
Oh! We should give you pink rubber bands.
Oh! Yeah, that would be really fun.
Dentistry is not about fun.
You always think you can bend all the rules because you are pretty and blonde.
- Is she okay? - Oh, she's just mad because we had a nitrous party here the other night, and we didn't invite her! That was unethical and costly.
Back to your cave, Shrek! Don't worry about her.
Just believe in the magic.
Ah, you are totally Bridget Jones! Did you see that movie? That is such a great movie! I mean, one.
Two was a little eh.
Let's see.
Yep, it looks like we have a little cavity on Mr.
Lower Left Six.
You know what? We can get you novocained up and a dentist here - in two secs.
- No! No.
Ow.
Uh, no.
No novocain.
Please.
I'll-I'll come back tomorrow.
Um, it's just that, if my lips are gonna be tingly, then I-I I want it to be because of Henry.
You are such a chick flick.
I would totally pay $12 to see you.
- Really? - Yes.
So you don't like the white? Nah, I like the white.
So what's wrong with the red? I'm gonna eat a cupcake.
Mom, can you run lines with me? You know, just in case something bad happens to Joey Colano and I have to go on as Tony.
I mean, I am his understudy- Sweetie, can we forget about "West Side Story" for two minutes? You know, we're trying to plan a wedding here.
That's right, best man.
What, you don't want to help with this? I told mom if she went with the green organza for the bridesmaid she was on her own.
Okay, I'm thinking we do this at our Lady of Guadalupe church.
You know, next to the gas station? Oh, and we should see if we can get Fat Louie or Bad-Skin Louie to deejay.
I want Saint Patrick's cathedral and the Harlem Boys Choir.
- A dealon a buffet.
- And the medallions of lamb should be followed by the foie gras en terrine.
Book Mario Testino.
Have him photograph the whole thing in sepia tones.
And we put one of these on every table, and bam! I love you.
I love me.
Wow! I walk away for a hot second, and you look five years younger.
Woman, are you aging backwards? Ah what happened? Oh, little glitch.
Teeny, tiny Cindy Crawford mole-sized problem.
It looks like Saint Patrick's cathedral's already booked on june 16th.
What?! What do you get from Saint Patrick's? Bad incense and a bunch of guilty men in dresses.
Wilhelmina Slater is marrying Bradford Meade.
This wedding has to bean event.
It's the only date that works for both of us.
Just bump the other bride.
Actually, it's, um our top advertiser Fabia.
Fabia?! That little euro-wench is getting married? And she got Elton John to sing for the wedding.
He's rewritten "Candle in the Wind" just for her.
What?! He was rewriting "Candle in the Wind" for me! Oh! Give that queen 20 bucks, and she'll rewrite it for anybody.
Get Fabia over here.
Wedding summit '07 is on.
Daniel! Please follow me.
There's someone in your office I'd like you to meet.
What's that look? You've got that look.
What? Y-you think you know my looks? Surprise! That's so sweet, you know my looks.
What is all this? You saved a girl scout.
You're being honored.
And let's face it, you could use the good press.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Daniel Meade, fashion editor/hero.
- This is for you.
- Well, thank you.
Uh, I don't know what to say.
Well, you can start by letting everyone know the exact details of how you saved the kid in the lake.
Uh, well, I saw this girl scout.
She fell in the lake, and I saved her.
What time of day? Um, m-morning.
Wouldn't she be in school? Maybe she was skipping.
Do girl scouts skip school? No! And how'd you hit your head? Uh, just slipped on the rocks when I was getting out of the lake.
I thought you hit your head as you dove in.
I think he's lying.
Is it good to lie? No! Would you help me up? Give me one reason why I should do this.
$50,000 deposited in your daughter's account.
Take the candy bar, please.
Nice work, bitch.
What-what happened to "fish"? "Fish" become "bitch" after two weeks.
Oh, my god, you got beat up by a drug dealer? Look, he just took some money and one very expensive watch, which I really didn't like anyway.
But that's it.
I'm fine.
It not like I'm gonna use him again.
Use him? Daniel, what about the drugs? Well, come on, it's more like medicine, except I happen to buy it from a guy who has a shaved head and a neck tattoo.
Don't look at me like that.
I'm still able to work, and I'm not using sex to avoid my problems.
Because you're using drugs to avoid your problems.
- Daniel- - Bye! See ya! I know, I know, you're disappointed in me.
No, Daniel, I am so past disappointed.
Fabia! Why is Fabia here today? I thought that I had my meeting for my cosmetic layout tomorrow.
Well, I couldn't wait to congratulate you on your upcoming nuptials.
Oh! Grazie.
I had them done for the wedding.
Ooh! Here's a picture of my boyfriend.
Dimitri is largest shipping magnate in the world! Oh! I love him! I need to marry him before his bambinos cut me out of the will.
Ah, a love story for the ages.
You must come to the ceremony.
I wouldn't be able to get married without my "something old.
" With the veins in your legs, you already have your "something blue.
" I'm just sick.
I can't be there.
I'm also getting married on the 16th to, um, Bradford Meade.
Oh! Big fish.
It's just too bad that you won't be able to get married at Saint Patrick's day cathedral.
Mm, so this is how we're gonna play it, huh? Oh, poor Wilhelmina.
I suppose you're going to have to change your wedding date.
Or do a quickie in Las Vegas.
Wilhelmina Slater does not do Vegas.
Now I want my Saint Patrick's and I want my Elton John.
There must be something you want in exchange for the 16th.
Mm I don't know.
Anything.
I want that girl.
He's going to hate it, dad.
What do I do? Just add cilantro.
I don't think I got cilantro.
Can I just add some extra cheese? You didn't buy chili powder and you used ketchup, so why not? Dad, this has to turn out great.
It's my first date with Henry.
I remember the first time your mother made me dinner.
It tasted like shoe leather.
But I didn't care, because she made it.
Well, how do you make shoe leather? Because I think that might be better.
Dad, I miss you.
When are you coming home? I'll be home before you know it, Betty.
Be strong.
And remember the most important thing- there are take-out menus on top of the fridge.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Te quiero.
You're early! Charlie.
What are you doing here? Well, I called Henry at the office, but the receptionist said he'd be here.
Yeah.
Uh, I'm just making him dinner.
Oh, really? Well, I have something in the oven, too.
I'm pregnant.
You're pregnant.
I leave for Tucson tomorrow, and I thought he should know as soon as possible.
And ruining your date? Nice little bonus.
Pink gerber daisies for my lady.
What are you doing here? Can we step outside and talk? You should talk to her.
Oh, Hilda, you are so hot.
You know I am! Mom, I'm Tony! I'm Tony! Sweetie, I know you want the part, but you can't shriek it into existence.
No, that was Mr.
Weaver on the phone.
Joey Colano woke up totally covered in hives! - Isn't that great? - Ay, that poor kid.
Guess he had an allergic reaction to the walnuts he ate.
Well, if he's allergic, why did he eat them? It's not my fault he wanted to trade sandwiches.
But I didn't put walnuts in your chicken salad.
Oh.
I think I did.
Rachael Ray says that it adds a little crunch.
What is with the third degree? Your son is Tony.
Be happy.
Nah.
He wouldn't.
Christina, I'm going out of my mind.
He said he was gonna call.
He hasn't called.
And Charlie's flight leaves to Tucson tonight.
I can't sleep! I can't eat! Well, I can't sleep.
Betty, just because she's pregnant doesn't mean he's gonna get back with the whore.
Sorry, was that a bit harsh? I'm just trying to be supportive.
Oh, my god.
It's a text message from Henry.
"Can we talk?" It's good.
Men never wanna talk.
Okay.
Wish me luck.
Where did you come from? Um nowhere.
You weren't there a second ago.
Yes, I was.
How drunk are you? What is that? No! No, this is my special place! Oh, my god! It's Fey's Love Dungeon! It is real! And now my special place is ruined.
Oh, please.
Your "special place" was ruined years ago.
Okay, you've seen it.
Get out.
Oh, no.
Oh, my god.
It's jammed shut.
We're locked in.
No.
No, no, no, no.
We can't be.
We're not locked in! - Help! Help! - Help! Help! So that's it? You're leaving mom after 38 years? I mean, now when she needs you more than ever? For what? So you can be alone? Actually, I don't intend to be alone.
What are you talking about? I've been lucky enough to find someone that loves me, and I'd be a fool to let that pass me by.
Who is it? Hello, Daniel.
Wilhelmina.
Call me mommy.
I don't know what else to do.
It's my baby.
Betty, I grew up without a father.
I can't do that to my child.
I have to go to Tucson with them.
No.
No, Henry, I-I get that.
You know, I just thought that for one day, we were finally and I was I was happy.
I was, too.
I guess that would've been too easy, huh? So, um when do you and Charlie leave? Tonight.
So I guess I guess this is, um I want you to have a really wonderful life.
You deserve it.
And for this layout, Fabia had vision.
All the models should look like they are suffering from sickness of radiation, like Chernobyl.
Only this time, it is my makeup that makes them glow.
That's just brilliant.
We'll have a storyboard ready for you by next week.
All right, come on, baby! Oop-y.
Picchu made brown.
Marco, clean it up.
Ciao.
Marc I- I didn't get a chance to explain, but Are you smoking? Yes.
She makes me.
And she makes me eat pasta.
Well, you do look heavy.
What's wrong with your eyes? Uh, Fabia doesn't believe intesting her products on animals, but, uh, she does believe in testing them on assistants.
- Disgraceful.
- Yeah.
- What about the insurance? - Full dental.
- Well, that's good.
- Yeah.
Marco! Well I hope june 16th was worth it.
Marc.
Mom, I've lost it.
I go on in two hours, and I can't snap.
What kind of gang member can't snap?! You're gonna snap, all right.
You need to relax.
Just eat something.
Look, I made you a pizza bagel.
Did Angela Landsbury eat a pizza bagel before she opened in "Sweeney Todd"? All I got was "pizza bagel.
" You know what, kid? You're gonna do great tonight.
You'll be there, right? Of course I'm gonna be there.
I wouldn't miss it.
Okay.
Hey, spit on your fingers.
Uh, dad, it's "break a leg," not "spit on your fingers.
" No, no, it helps.
Watch.
Attaboy.
- Hey.
- Are you lost again? Your office is two whores down.
I just, uh, came to good-bye.
Okay.
See ya tomorrow.
Uh, no, you won't.
I'm, uh, I'm actually gone.
I just, uh I'm quitting.
Oh.
Here-here's my pen.
What are you babbling about? There's nothing left here, right? I mean, mom's gonna be in jail for who knows how long.
Dad just told me about him and "Milhelwina.
" They're probably gonna have some devil child together.
Okay, I'm lost.
You know what the funny thing is? I don't have anyone to turn to.
I guess that's not very funny, is it? - Daniel, you're loaded.
- Oh, just admit it.
You hate me! And now the girl scouts hate me.
But the thing is, I don't hate you.
You wanna know a secret? When I thought you were dead, I used to go visit your grave every sunday.
Sometimes I still want to 'cause I still miss you.
Daniel, seriously what did you take and how many? It was like seven.
I mean, I've taken like, 12 before, just not with this much booze.
Hey, Alexis, I have the art department on line one.
Whoa! I hope he's not driving.
He's not.
I'm taking him to Pine Crest.
I need a town car now.
It might be a while.
Paula Abdul's fragrance release party is tonight.
Cars are booked solid.
Then run down to the valet and get the keys to my dad's car.
I have to go to Paula's party.
Now she's gonna hate me, too? If you ask me, I think she trapped him.
You know she poked a hole in that condom.
I'm not really interested in hearing the specifics right now.
So you ready for a little nitrous? No, thank you.
I wanna feel the pain.
Oh, I hate this girl.
What's her name, so I can hate her with a name? - Charlie.
- Charlie.
Charlie? That's funny.
Dr.
Farkas has been dating a girl named Charlie for, like, two months now.
Well, it can't be the same Charlie because she's been with Henry.
This one's a cute redhead.
She makes jewelry.
She made all the girls in the office this.
I hate it, but Farkas was in today, so Oh, my god, this is Henry's Charlie.
I- I took Dr.
Farkas to Charlie's birthday party.
Oh, my god! I introduced them! So she's been cheating? Charlie's a cheater! You know what? Forget I said anything.
I just keep talking when I shouldn't be talking.
Frankly, a little me goes a long way.
Do you know what this means? No.
Maybe the baby isn't Henry's! So Henry, call me back.
I really need to talk to you.
You're leaving him a message on his cell? You're telling the man you love that his girlfriend's baby may not be his? Would Reese Witherspoon leave a message on his cell? - Reese Witherspoon? - Or Drew Barrymore? No, I-I don't-I don't think those women are calling Henry.
No, because they're already halfway to the airport to stop that plane and declare their love for their man! Okay, maybe I do escape to the movies a little more often than I should, - but this is your movie, Betty.
- It is? This is your chance for the happy ending you've always wanted.
Now go home and put on some totally cute top.
And run a brush through that hair or maybe a hat, and go and stop that plane! - You're Drew Barrymore.
- Okay! Wait, I have my nephew's show tonight, and I don't know Henry's flight number.
- What about security? I- - Drew Barrymore! Lorraine, I need graphics.
Coming right up, Ms.
Slater.
What happened to you, Lorraine? You suddenly seem more feminine.
Fabia fired me.
No explanation.
She just put out a cigarette on my arm and said, "get out!" So I'm free and ready to come back to work if you'll have me.
Well, you do already know how I like my coffee.
Not to mention how you plotted to destroy Daniel and convinced Bradford to divorce Claire and marry you so that you could take over Meade Enterprises.
Oh, yeah, that, too.
Welcome back, darling.
So what's on the agenda? We've got a wedding to plan, lady.
June 16th is right around the corner, and I still have to get my shoes dyed.
Actually, I changed the wedding.
Bradford and I aren't getting married until november.
What? But I thought that you wanted Willie.
What? Did you give Fabia back the I just realized that my colors were better suited for a fall wedding.
- You did not just hug me.
- Of course I didn't.
and I never told anybody this, but his name was Bill Cosby.
You didn't.
I have the audiotape to prove it.
He has a very distinctive voice.
You know we've been talking a lot about me.
And it's been fun.
Okay, so you wanna know one of my secrets? You wanna kiss me, don't you? Back in Scotland, I have a husband.
Ooh! You just got He's an insurance auditor.
- Okay, 5%.
- Oh, believe me, it was less.
You know, the only time it got exciting was when he'd come home drunk and he'd start throwing the furniture around.
So one morning, I woke up, I made Stuart his breakfast and off I went to the airport.
To this day, he has no idea where I am.
There is so much more to you than that accent.
You can kiss me now if you want to.
God! You are all about sex, aren't you? You do not have one secret that's not about sex.
Oh, no, I do have one.
The woman who's room this is was a friend of my family's.
What? You knew Fey Sommers before you got this job? It's how I got this job.
My dad handled her money, and he asked her to hook me up after my acting career hit a bit of a snag, and voilà- the birth of lifetime receptionist Amanda Tanen.
We should toast to secrets.
Oh! Empty.
Up we go.
Hello.
Hey, how you doing? I'm looking for something for my kid.
He's, uh, he's in the school play.
I don't know, like a-like a card or something.
Hey, you know what? He's always wanted those teeth whitening strips.
We're all out.
You should go.
Oye, chico.
What are you talking about? Don't move.
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Try today's date.
Why would Fey Sommers use today's date? You tell me! Okay, we've tried her birthday.
We tried her address.
Ooh! Her measurements.
- I don't know them.
- I do! Her real ones! Ooh, what's in there? I want money and jewelry.
It looks like her diary.
Ugh, reading? What else is there? Just a lot of photos.
Oh, look, who's the fat baby? Wait, that's me.
Why would Fey have pictures of me in her safe? What? It's a birth certificate.
It says Fey Sommers was your mother.
Excuse me, sir? Excuse me.
We have a situation back here.
This woman is a diabetic, and she is going into hypoglycemic shock.
All right, everybody stay seated.
I'm coming back with a med kit.
Okay stay still.
Let go of me! Get the damn gun! You're going to have to stop struggling, sir, because this is happening! Okay, we're almost at the hospital, Daniel.
Stay with me.
You know, I never wanted us to end up like this.
I mean, you're my kid brother.
I don't know how all this got so screwed up, but I really want us to be there for each other again.
Wow, you're driving really fast.
Yeah, what's the matter with these You should probably slow down.
I can't.
- Oh, my god! The brakes! - What? What? Son of a bitch! He cut the brakes on Bradford's car! Oh, my god! # Could it be? # # Yes, it could # # Something's coming # # something good # # If I can wait # # Something's coming # I don't know what it is # # But it is gonna be great # # With a click # # with a shock # # Phone'll jingle # # door'll knock # # Open the latch # # Around the corner # # Or whistling down the river # # Come on, deliver # # To me # # It's only just out of reach # # Down the block # # on a beach # # Maybe tonight # Hurry up! Don't hurt him! I need the gate number for the Just one more minute! I'm sorry, I thought you were my cab.
I'm looking for a Hilda Suarez.
Flight attendants, please prepare for departure.
I didn't believe hard enough.
Loving is enough.
Not here.
They won't let us be.
Then we'll get away.
Yes, we can.
We will.
There was a gun.
# Hold my hand # # and we're halfway there # # Hold my hand # # and I'll take you there # No, Betty! No! No! No! No! No! No! # Someday # # Somewhere #