Up All Night (2011) s01e23 Episode Script

Hey there, business lady.
How's your business lady trip going? Sweet, actually.
We had some good meetings-- Hey, listen, um Do you want to get into a sexy Skype? Why spend 16.
95 for hotel room porn with strangers when you can pay nothing for this? Oh, yeah.
- Chris-- - It's all in your room-- - Don't.
I can't.
- Knock, knock, knock.
- Reagan.
- Yes.
Don't tell me you're done drinking, are ya? There's a dude in your room.
That's fun.
- Hey, dude.
- 'Sup, Luke? Hey, what's with the unbutton shirt, man? You guys about to get compu-sexy in here? Uh, no, it's-- It's a classic goof around-- Do you mind just moving a little bit so I can see Reagan? Listen, I'm gonna have to call you tomorrow.
I love you.
- I love you.
- All right.
Bye.
- Yes, honey? - Hey, I'm sorry, babe.
I just, um In the last, I-I said, "I love you," and then I don't know if you got cut off Nope.
That was it.
I had already said, "I love you," you said, "I love you," and that was the end.
Is-and is Luke still there? - Yeah.
- He's still here.
Still there! Bye! Rock on! Classico Lukie.
What is that? Hi! Welcome back.
How was the meeting? Luke and I really wowed Yvonne.
- Yeah? - Yeah, we had fun.
I-I no longer classify him as a total turd.
Good.
A milkshake kinda defeats the purpose of exercise.
I'm carbo loading for my 10k against literacy.
For literacy.
To be honest, when I first agreed to sponsor and run in this event, I was not super-aware of what a "k" was.
I know.
But I stuck with it.
And I'm in good shape now.
And I think that's going to inspire my audience.
Good.
Don't kill the messenger, but I have something to show you.
I'm sure you've all heard of my best gal pal Ava's well, I think it is so cute that she wants to inspire people.
Well, guess who's inspired.
- I am.
- Oh, jeez.
Ava, I am entering your race, and I am challenging you, so you better get ready, girl.
That former fatty wants to show me up at my own game.
You cannot let Shayna upstage you.
You're right.
I'm calling Gideon Kirk, trainer to the stars.
But you only have two days.
Gideon works miracles.
Over the years, he's helped Oprah lose a total of 16,000 pounds.
All right, honey, I'm off to black market grill.
Luke and I are gonna go finish that presentation for Yvonne, so Well, have fun with-- with Luke and the whole gang.
It's just gonna be the two of us.
- No, I know.
- Good-bye.
I love you.
Black market? I would love for gene to take me a place like that.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye! I'd need to get a crowbar to pry his wallet open.
He's got a good heart.
He's actually on blood thinners.
I just-- that is bothering me.
She's spent a lot of time hanging out alone with that dude, and I don't know, I'm just-- It's making me a little uncomfortable.
You and Reagan should be able to talk about it.
Sonia and I have been having a little dialogue about boundaries at our couple's therapy.
"Boundaries"-- it's so clinical, it makes it seem as though there's a-- there's a problem, which there is not.
Well, we found it to be helpful.
I didn't like it when Sonia carpooled with one of her attractive coworkers.
I set that boundary, and she stopped.
That sounds great, man.
It is great.
I did fail to be explicit that she not have intercourse with him, and that's on me.
She's cheating on you, dude? Mm.
It was painful.
The only good news is that I'm on a lot of antidepressants right now that are dulling my emotions.
I was just watching a news special on Haiti.
It's sad.
Right? You commit your life to a person, you think you know them, but can you ever really know somebody? Right on, sister.
- I mean, can we get real? - Yeah, we can.
I'm sorry, please do not get real.
I-I completely trust Reagan, okay? But can you trust Luke? Yeah, that Luke seems like some fishy business, hon.
Does seem like fishy business.
Oh, you're pathetic.
You are the most out-of-shape talk show host I've ever seen in my life! When's this race? - Tomorrow! - You're weak.
You're like a hammock made out of noodles or something like that.
Come on, 30 push-ups.
Come on.
With the clap.
With the-- Clap like you're at a Don Henley concert.
Yay! Come on.
Push like you're pushing your way to the front row at a Don Henley concert.
Are you saying "Don Henley" like Don Henley of the Eagles? Nah, screw the Eagles.
They're pansies.
Come on.
Fight! Fight like you're fighting for the new Don Henley CD at an electronics store.
What? Look at your buttocks.
They're not like globes.
Shoulda seen Phil Donahue in the '80s.
His buttocks-- they were like globes.
I'm coming for you, Shayna Mund! You know Shay Shay? You know Shay Shay? I train her.
- You do? - Yeah.
She's in the best shape she's ever been in her life.
Her buttocks-- they are like - I-I wanna say, uh - Like globes? Like globes.
Tell me to my face, Gideon Kirk.
Can I beat her? No.
So for the conference call on Monday with Yvonne, why don't you take the lead, and then I'll jump in when you get - all sputter-y and repeat-y.
- Whoa.
Phone conferencing is, like, my thing.
That's what I do, really.
Whoa, I-I said no pickles, so I'm gonna need you to remove those pickles, and I'm gonna need a new plate, thanks.
And also if you could get rid of her pickles too.
What? No.
Hold a-- No, wait a minute.
I'm starving.
Gimme those.
You're weird.
I just have a pickle phobia.
Okay, it's a vegetable.
Pickling extends the life of a vegetable well beyond what God intended.
Where are they? Here.
Grab that menu.
Put your menu up.
- Oh, God.
There's a pickle.
- Oh! Oh, great, look.
He made her laugh.
Good for Luke.
That's good.
Oh.
Mini food fight.
That's cute.
I'm not crazy, right? He's totally into her.
If I wasn't chemically lobotomized right now, I'd really feel for you.
Hey, does this look appropriately sad? Wait, I can get even sadder.
- Something for you.
- Oh! Very nice of you.
Did he just hand her a gift bag? No, man, that's a line crosser.
I'm sorry, I gotta say something.
Bro, don't react emotionally.
It'll make you look weak and unattractive.
Worst thing I ever did was accuse my wife of cheating.
- But she was.
- She was, indeed.
Now, come on, buddy.
We gotta haul ass.
I'm late for meeting my side piece.
- You're cheating on your wife? - I'm in the retaliation stage.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- How was work? - Good.
Long slog? Yeah, we got a lot done today, actually.
What you got there? A little gift bag? Uh, yeah, yeah.
He got me a little present.
It's an antique snuff box.
I'd pointed one out when we were in Chinatown.
- Nice.
- Oh.
Nice like when you're on a walk, window shopping, kind of walking together Where should we put it? I'm always buying stuff like that for my bros that I play hockey with.
And also women that I don't want to sleep with.
Okay, what's with the attitude, honey? He's totally into you.
- Luke? - Yeah.
Okay.
You are craze-balls.
The guy was in your hotel room.
He took you out to dinner, and then he gave you this romantic gift? Luke is cool, okay? We're finally getting along.
That's a good thing.
I f-- I forbid you from seeing him.
You forbid me? I am--I am forboden right now? No, honey, if you want to have your paranoid fantasies, do them in your sleep.
'Cause we need to get rest for the 10k tomorrow.
Okay? Hey, what-- It fell.
Hmm.
Ava Alexander.
Shayna Mund.
You look fantastic.
I can pick up a Kennedy half-dollar with my buns.
I can write a check with mine, but who writes checks anymore? What the hell am I doing here? I just want to talk about the race.
I want to make sure we both do our best to inspire our audiences.
Would you like some dinner? I knew it.
You know I'm a compulsive eater.
You just want to fatten me up.
Well, sabotage is not on the menu.
Shayna, I made us both mixed green salads.
Oh.
I know how hard we've both worked, and I would never want to sabotage you.
That's why I kept the fresh clam jambalaya on the stove.
Far, far away from your mouth.
I know it's your favorite.
Oh, I am so rude.
I forgot to give you your hostess gift.
A bottle of whispering angel rose.
It's my favorite.
I drink it like kool-aid.
Do you? I didn't know that.
I have been on an 800-calorie-a-day diet of sea grains for six months.
I have been sober for 80 hours.
I'm just gonna have a little teaspoon of the jambalaya, and I'm gonna spit it out.
A little shot of rose never hurt anybody.
Oh, she's fat.
Aah! She brings me cake I know something else you can't resist.
Silver fox Asian men? Come on in, boys.
Domo arigato! Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on! You got a race tomorrow! What're you doin'? Hey, I got a weakness for silver fox Asian men! I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness forgiveness - Hey, dude.
- Hey.
Yeah, you have a good pre-race whiz in there or what? Uh, it was okay.
Slamming the old chest headlights with some saline.
- Uh-huh.
- Avoid the inevitable chafing.
Can I give it a try? Oh, you want to share some of my stuff? - Yeah, man.
Sure.
- Thank you.
You like borrowing stuff of mine, huh? Like sharing stuff that's mine? You probably don't need as much as me.
Yeah? Is that 'cause you're-- What, are you bragging about the size of your nipples right now? They're like silver dollar pancake, bro.
- Wow.
- They're like manhole covers.
Sometimes with a deep summer V, you can catch a little outer nip.
Well, that's good.
That's because that's-- What? - Hey, guys.
- Yup.
You guys ready to run? - Yup.
- Hey.
That's my lady, my woman.
Oh.
Ow.
Just doing her thing with her man.
Yeah.
Oh, jeez.
Okay.
Honey-- Dude.
Whoa.
Honey, seriously.
What's with all the PDA? - Fillin' up my love tank.
- Okay.
Gettin' the needle on "F.
" I'm gonna--I'll see you guys on the course, okay? - Okay.
See you out there.
- All right, buddy.
- See you out there.
- All right, dude.
I'll see ya if I'm running backwards.
You have officially gone bananas.
Oh, where is she? Oh, God.
Is this the finish line? Oh, my God.
You reek of every kind of alcohol right now.
What's going on with you? God.
I was up all night partying with Shayna.
Oh, God, there's lightning in my brain.
Okay, listen to me.
You have got to pull it together right now, because at the end of this race, there is a cameraman who is documenting what I am hoping to be a very inspirational finish.
Oh, God.
Ugh I'm gonna go to town on your ass, shorty.
Well, you'll never catch me.
I'll just Be a blur.
Runners, take your mark And go! Oh, no, no! Oh, God.
How ya doin', chief? Yeah, it's me.
I'm right here on ya.
I'm like a ghost.
Yeah, you got a game that you're working, but I'm playing too, dude.
I'm part of the story.
I'm part of the story.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh! Hey! Oh, God.
We're almost there.
This way.
This way.
How does it feel to - Eat my dust? - Ugh That's about the only thing left to eat, since you ate everything, tubby.
Oh What's with the limp? One of those Asian men bit my toe.
To be fair, I did have my foot in his mouth at the time.
- Oh, God.
- Oh! Go around! Oh, my golly, move on! I'm required to stay behind the last racer.
Oh, God! - Hey.
- Hey.
Well, you beat me, babe.
Well, I guess that means I'm his now.
Oh, babe, I'm sorry.
I so didn't want to be that guy, and then I just saw myself being that guy, and I couldn't stop, and I was just like It was like that gorilla with the suitcase.
- Remember that commercial? - Not really.
I usually just nod because you talk about it so much.
Look, sweetie, as nutty as you were, it was, uh It was kinda flattering.
Well, yeah, of course it's flattering.
- You're hot, babe.
- Aww.
Why do you think I wifed you up? Oh.
Luke.
Oh ho ho.
- Who's that? - I--must be his girlfriend? - I'm presuming? - Of course that's who he dates.
I can't believe I was worried! Look at who he dates, babe, look at her! Yeah, she's very pretty.
Beautiful.
Uh, pretty? She's smokin' hot! Look at who he dates! That's who a guy like that dates.
That's his level.
Yeah, all right.
- She's like - All right.
All right.
Well, we're almost there.
Are those men up ahead pointing guns at us? Or are they cameras? Please say guns.
Let's go in the woods and cover ourselves up with leaves.
Hey, guys.
Finished like an hour ago.
What's going on with you? Why are you stopping? We can't--we can't finish like this--looking like this.
We're going in the woods.
Okay Oh, look.
Look at that little girl cheering us on.
She has no idea how disgusting we are.
- No.
- God.
She's really Cindy Lou whoing us, and we're the Grinch.
Aw Shoo! - Go away, Cindy Lou who! - No.
- Get out.
- No.
You don't understand, Shayna.
What? We got into this race to inspire people.
And that's what we're going to do.
We are going to finish this race no matter how ugly we look.
Okay.
Okay.
Look at us, Reagan.
We're keeping it real.
Yeah.
You know what, I didn't win Orange County Television Association's Producer of the Year award for not having hair and makeup behind the Porta Johns.
Hair and makeup, you say? - Oh, that sounds - My gosh.
- Get--get it! - Go! Get it! Get it! Aah! - Thank you.
- I know.
Whatever.
We are champions! Whoo! We did it! We are the champions, my friends! Yeah.
Please continue to hold.
Luke, seriously.
It's a phone call.
She's not gonna see your hair.
If I'm askew, she can hear it in my voice.
- Oh.
- Maybe I hang around you I really want to apologize for Chris at the race with that whole thing.
I mean, it's-- It was so weird, honestly.
You're not gonna believe this.
Was it about his nipples? 'Cause he talked about them a lot.
Yeah.
No, no.
He got it into his head that you had a crush on me.
Like, what? It's so ridiculous.
Pfff! I c-- I love you ooh, I know I honestly love you ooh - I-I-I-- - You know, it's so weird.
I was just thinking But I can't remember, is it--London-- is it 8 hours behind or 8 hours ahead? - It's 8 or 10 hours ahead.
- I don't really remember.
You know what, it's-- it's really interesting is also--that bothers me, it bothers me is Greenwich Mean Time.
It's like, I know what "mean" means, I know "mean" is, like, the average of everything, but it's like it still sounds like they're saying, like, it's Greenwich "mean" time.
Like only for, like, mean people.
Right.
Yeah.
I know.
Like mean-spirited, right? You know who does not observe daylight savings? This one's gonna blow your mind.
Arizona.
Arizona.
I was gonna say Arizona.
Arizona doesn't observe daylight savings time.
Except for the Navajo nation that's there, and I tend to side with the Navajos.
People--they're-- right, so Because say all you want, they were here first.
- We took the land from them.
- Hello.
Yvonne, hi, how are you? We're here.
Hi! Yvonne! Yes, we're here.
We're both here.
Please hold for Yvonne.
I honestly love you Ooh Wonder if there's a volumeswitch on here? - Hey.
- Hey.
How was the conference call? Uh The conference call, when we linked up with Yvonne? - Mm-hmm.
- Was good.
And then the, um, part beforehand, when it was just the two of us, there was a thing.
That dude totally has a crush on me.
- What? - He didn't do anything.
It was--he just-- it was like a look.
- Just a look.
- I knew it! I knew it, babe.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! I called it! I knew it! Didn't I say? I knew it! Okay, you're psyched because you were right? Yeah, because you're usually so right, and I'm usually so dumb.
And now you're so dumb.
You're so, so dumb.
You're so dumb.
Okay.
I don't get it.
I mean, he's got this really hot girlfriend, and Makes sense.
He's got the hot, and now he wants the brains.
Who's also hot.
It's just--I guess we need to just be aware of this stuff, you know? It's like The two of us, we're--you know, we're holding it together, attractiveness-wise, right? And I guess it's like gotta remember that people are out there.
They're gonna wanna break a piece of that off.
Yeah, you're right.
Some online gaming ladies outta Japan have been throwing some-- some flirt my way.
A little vanilla fever outta-- outta Kyoto.
Maybe we just need to be-- We just have to desexualize ourselves a little bit when we're out there in the world.
We could try.
They'll just keep flirting-- not an issue.
Yeah.
We could just do like-- physically, just like - Like - Just like - I'd still do you.
- I'd totally do you.
We should set some boundaries of what we're allowed to do with the opposite sex.
I'm gonna go first.
No dinners with a man at a restaurant with candles.
You--no drinking wine at play dates.
You could dress down at work.
Okay.
And--and maybe wear a man suit.
And a big, weird hat.
And maybe, like, a walking stick.
You want me to look like the guy from Monopoly.
Well, I was thinking Mr.
Peanut, but any depression-era cartoon sophisticate would be fine.
You, no tight V-tees that reach to your little chest hair tuft.
I'm sorry, woman, *** party is over.
Let me get into that tuft.
Wa-wa-wait.
Careful with the nipples.