Animaniacs (1993) s01e236 Episode Script
Ralph's Wedding / Moosage in a Bottle / Back in Style / Bones in the Body / It / Dot - The Macadamia Nut / Bully for Skippy / Cute First (Ask Questions Later)
[.]
We're slippin' on the ice Just slippin' on the ice For a fabulous pratfall Just follow this advice Let your feet take a flip I've broken my hip We're slippin' and slidin' On the ice [CRASHING.]
DOT: I've fallen, and I can't get up.
[SLEIGHBELLS RINGING.]
It's time for Animaniacs And we're zany to the max So just sit back and relax You'll laugh Till you collapse We're Animaniacs BOTH: Come join The Warner brothers And the Warner sister, Dot ALL: Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught But we break loose And then vamoose And now you know the plot We're Animaniacs Dot is cute and Yakko yaks Wakko packs away the snacks While Bill Clinton Plays the sax We're Animaniacs Meet Pinky and the Brain Who want to rule The universe Goodfeathers flock together Slappy whacks them With her purse Buttons chases Mindy While Rita sings a verse The writers flipped We have no script Why bother to rehearse? We're Animaniacs We have pay-or-play Contracts We're zany to the max There's bologna In our slacks We're Animan-y Totally insane-y Citizen Kane-y Animaniacs Those are the facts [.]
The crankiest of creatures In the whole wide world Our next cartoon Features Slappy the squirrel Enough with the singin' already.
That's Slappy [.]
[.]
Skippy, you should have been asleep hours ago.
I know, Aunt Slappy, but I can't sleep.
I keep hearing Santa's sleigh.
Ah, that's just the L.
A.
P.
D.
choppers.
Santy ain't comin' till you're asleep, kiddo.
So get to bed.
But I'm not tired.
Tell me a story.
Please.
Ah, for the love of Al Gore.
All right.
One story.
Then dreamland, okay? Promise.
Okay, let's see.
Oh, you wanna hear about the time I stuffed live piranha down the pants of Sonny Tufts? No, a Christmas story.
Sonny was drinking eggnog at the time.
No, Aunt Slappy.
Just read.
All right, already, Mr.
Story-Editor.
Sheesh.
[HACKING.]
Spew! Ahem.
"The Day Before Christmas.
"'Twas the day before Christmas in winter's deep freeze.
"But in Burbank, L.
A.
, it was 90 degrees.
"Now, tonight is the night Santa comes to the lot, "bringing presents for Yakko, Wakko and Dot.
"The kids were excited.
They rushed to prepare.
But others looked on with a growing despair.
" These gifts for the Warners, someone's got to see to it.
They must be delivered.
I want you to do it.
But I did it last year, or have you forgot? Those kids drove me bonkies and kissed me a lot.
They made me stay up singing carols all night, and then I got creamed in that big pillow fight.
But why bring them presents when Santa will do? It's a clause in their contract.
If we don't, they can sue.
There must be a person who'd deliver this stuff.
But where can I find someone stupid enough? Duh, good night, Mr.
Costner.
Go ahead, pass on by.
Merry Christmas.
Okay, I love you.
Bye-bye.
[GAGGING.]
Duh, good night, Mr.
Hippo.
Good night to you too.
Come along, Flavio.
We've more shopping to do.
I'm hungry.
Be quiet.
We don't wanna get caught.
There might be some trash cans with food on the lot.
Duh, good night, Mr.
Keaton.
That's a lovely sedan.
Give him a Santa suit.
Ralph is our man.
YAKKO: So 'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house-- Some creatures were stirring.
Including a mouse.
Tonight, my dear Pinky, our plan is unfurled.
We'll steal Santa's sleigh and take over the world.
Brain, you're a genius.
You simply astound me.
[BRAIN SCREAMING.]
Narf! Brain's gonna pound me.
[CRASHING.]
The stockings were hung so our names clearly showed.
In hopes that old Santa would leave a big load.
Mwah.
Good night, everybody.
The children were nestled all fast in their beds.
While visions of sugarplums danced in our heads.
Delicious! [YAWNS.]
We were all feeling tired when we turned out the light.
Forget it.
There's no way I'm sleeping tonight.
When out on the lot, there arose such a rumble.
YAKKO: We sprang from our beds-- WAKKO: And we all took a tumble.
And what, to our wondering eyes, did we view? DOT: But a cat and a dog in the garbage.
P-yew.
[SLEIGHBELLS RINGING.]
Then to our surprise we heard distant banters of a miniature sleigh and eight pigeons with antlers.
I'm dying here.
Oof! This sure ain't no fun.
The guy in the suit, he must weigh a ton.
With a little old driver so lively and quick WAKKO: We knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
Duh, now, Bobby.
Now, Squit.
Now, Pesto.
Now, Vixen.
On, Comet.
On, Cupid.
On, Richard and Nixon.
To the top of the tower.
Come on now.
Let's fly.
I just got a hernia thanks to this guy.
YAKKO: So up to the rooftop Santa was hurled.
As soon as it lands we'll take over the world.
Pinky, I am in considerable pain.
Narf! Zort! Poit! Gak! I'm with you, Brain.
YAKKO: It was a time of excitement.
The moment drew near.
DOT: There was no doubt about it.
WAKKO: Santa was here.
Your antlers look cute, Pesto.
All right, that's it! [PESTO AND SQUIT SHOUTING.]
Oh, Pesto! It's Christmas.
Quit whackin' on Squit.
YAKKO: And while the pigeons with antlers were having their kicks, Santa fell through the roof like a sack full of bricks.
He was dressed all in fur with a glaze in his eyes, 'cause the fall knocked him silly.
Uh, happy Easter, you guys.
His face, how it twinkled.
His dimples, how merry.
His cheeks were like roses.
His gut, that was scary.
WAKKO: He spoke not a word, but instead went right to it.
He emptied his bag.
Ah, that ought to do it.
YAKKO: Then laying his finger inside of his nose-- Which the dear network censor finds totally gross.
WAKKO: Lumbering, up the tree trunk he rose.
DOT: He sprang to his sleigh and signaled the flock.
Duh, giddyap, birdies.
YAKKO: Then they dropped like a rock.
[CRASHING.]
WAKKO: And we heard him exclaim from up high in the sky SANTA CLAUS: Season's greetings to all.
YAKKO: And we saw him fly by.
Thanks, Santa.
We mean it.
Yeah, thanks a whole lot.
SANTA CLAUS: And merry Christmas to Yakko, Wakko and Dot.
And merry Christmas, Aunt Slappy, and to you girls and boys.
As for me [YAWNS.]
I'm going downstairs to open my toys.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea.
" Good idea.
Singing Christmas carols to your neighbors.
Fa la la la la La la la la ANNOUNCER: Bad idea.
Singing Christmas carols to your neighbors on the 4th of July.
Fa la la la la La la la la ANNOUNCER: The end.
[.]
[.]
I've never seen a better Santa Claus.
He looks so real.
I almost believe he's Santa myself.
I want a Baby Go-Burp for Christmas.
Please, oh, my Santa.
[GASPS.]
[BURPS.]
Oh, thank you, Santa.
You're the best Santa in the world.
Mommy, Mommy, look.
It's Baby Go-Burp.
[BURPS.]
Santa, I've been very good, and what I want is a Mister Dude action figure, complete with polyester power suit and Dude accessories.
He is the real Santa.
Yay! No.
No, Dad, don't make me.
Isn't he a little old to be afraid of Santa Claus? Son, what the heck's wrong with you? It's just Santa Claus.
He's a chicken, Dad.
A giant chicken.
He'll peck my eyes out.
[OTHERS LAUGHING.]
He should get that boy into therapy.
He has issues.
Don't make me sit on a chicken.
See? There's no reason to be afraid of jolly old Saint Nick.
[GASPS.]
You mean jolly old Saint Chick.
[GRUNTS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[CLUCKS.]
He is a chicken! [CLUCKS.]
ALL: A chicken! Mommy! Mommy! I got chicken germs on me! What is the meaning of this? Good heavens, it's a chicken! He's traumatized the children.
We'll never shop here again.
[GROWLS.]
You're fired.
[CLUCKS.]
Maybe they let chickens play Santa in Arkansas, but that's not how we do things here in New York City.
[CLUCKING.]
Ho, ho, ho, Chicken Boo, just this once, because it's Christmas, we're giving you a happy ending.
Dashing through the snow With a chicken in a sleigh O'er the fields we go Clucking all the way Cluck, cluck, cluck Bells on chicken feet ring Making spirits bright What fun it is To ride and sing The chicken song tonight Jingle boo Jingle boo Jingle boo away Oh, what fun it is to ride With a chicken in a sleigh [CLUCKS.]
[.]
[ORCHESTRA TUNING.]
ANNOUNCER: And now performing another classical work, the great Wakkorotti.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
[AUDIENCE HUSHES.]
[PLAYING "JINGLE BELLS".]
[BELCHING "JINGLE BELLS".]
[PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING "JINGLE BELLS".]
[RESUMES BELCHING "JINGLE BELLS".]
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Excuse me.
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea.
" Good idea.
Finding Easter eggs on Easter morning.
Bad idea.
Finding Easter eggs on Christmas morning.
The end.
[.]
[.]
ALL: Shh! [CRASHING.]
[.]
[ALL YAWNING.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
ALL: Eww.
[.]
[ALL SIGH.]
[.]
[THUMPING.]
[GROWLS.]
[.]
Ah This toy isn't suitable for children under 3.
Actually, we're looking for a doll that goes potty.
You got one? [GROWLING.]
[.]
[.]
Everybody lives on a street In a city or a village Or a town For what it's worth And they're all Inside a country Which is part of a continent That sits upon a planet Known as Earth And the Earth is a ball Full of oceans And some mountains Which is out there Spinning silently in space And living on that Earth Are the plants and the animals And also the entire Human race It's a great big universe And we're all really puny We're just tiny Little specks About the size Of Mickey Rooney It's big and black and inky And we are small and dinky It's a big universe And we're not And we're part of a vast Interplanetary system Stretching 700 Billion miles long With nine planets and a sun We think the Earth's The only one That has life on it Although we could be wrong Across the interstellar voids Are a billion asteroids Including meteors And Halley's comet too And there's over 50 moons Floating out there Like balloons In a panoramic Trillion-mile view And still it's all a speck Amid 100 billion stars In a galaxy We call the Milky Way It's 60,000 trillion miles From one end to the other And still that's Just a fraction of the way 'Cause there's 100 billion galaxies That stretch across the sky Filled with constellations Planets, moons and stars And still the universe extends To a place that never ends Which is maybe Just inside a little jar It's a great big universe And we're all really puny We're just tiny Little specks About the size Of Mickey Rooney Though we don't know How it got here We're an important part here It's a big universe And it's ours [.]
ALL: Merry Christmas.
[.]
We're slippin' on the ice Just slippin' on the ice For a fabulous pratfall Just follow this advice Let your feet take a flip I've broken my hip We're slippin' and slidin' On the ice [CRASHING.]
DOT: I've fallen, and I can't get up.
[SLEIGHBELLS RINGING.]
It's time for Animaniacs And we're zany to the max So just sit back and relax You'll laugh Till you collapse We're Animaniacs BOTH: Come join The Warner brothers And the Warner sister, Dot ALL: Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught But we break loose And then vamoose And now you know the plot We're Animaniacs Dot is cute and Yakko yaks Wakko packs away the snacks While Bill Clinton Plays the sax We're Animaniacs Meet Pinky and the Brain Who want to rule The universe Goodfeathers flock together Slappy whacks them With her purse Buttons chases Mindy While Rita sings a verse The writers flipped We have no script Why bother to rehearse? We're Animaniacs We have pay-or-play Contracts We're zany to the max There's bologna In our slacks We're Animan-y Totally insane-y Citizen Kane-y Animaniacs Those are the facts [.]
The crankiest of creatures In the whole wide world Our next cartoon Features Slappy the squirrel Enough with the singin' already.
That's Slappy [.]
[.]
Skippy, you should have been asleep hours ago.
I know, Aunt Slappy, but I can't sleep.
I keep hearing Santa's sleigh.
Ah, that's just the L.
A.
P.
D.
choppers.
Santy ain't comin' till you're asleep, kiddo.
So get to bed.
But I'm not tired.
Tell me a story.
Please.
Ah, for the love of Al Gore.
All right.
One story.
Then dreamland, okay? Promise.
Okay, let's see.
Oh, you wanna hear about the time I stuffed live piranha down the pants of Sonny Tufts? No, a Christmas story.
Sonny was drinking eggnog at the time.
No, Aunt Slappy.
Just read.
All right, already, Mr.
Story-Editor.
Sheesh.
[HACKING.]
Spew! Ahem.
"The Day Before Christmas.
"'Twas the day before Christmas in winter's deep freeze.
"But in Burbank, L.
A.
, it was 90 degrees.
"Now, tonight is the night Santa comes to the lot, "bringing presents for Yakko, Wakko and Dot.
"The kids were excited.
They rushed to prepare.
But others looked on with a growing despair.
" These gifts for the Warners, someone's got to see to it.
They must be delivered.
I want you to do it.
But I did it last year, or have you forgot? Those kids drove me bonkies and kissed me a lot.
They made me stay up singing carols all night, and then I got creamed in that big pillow fight.
But why bring them presents when Santa will do? It's a clause in their contract.
If we don't, they can sue.
There must be a person who'd deliver this stuff.
But where can I find someone stupid enough? Duh, good night, Mr.
Costner.
Go ahead, pass on by.
Merry Christmas.
Okay, I love you.
Bye-bye.
[GAGGING.]
Duh, good night, Mr.
Hippo.
Good night to you too.
Come along, Flavio.
We've more shopping to do.
I'm hungry.
Be quiet.
We don't wanna get caught.
There might be some trash cans with food on the lot.
Duh, good night, Mr.
Keaton.
That's a lovely sedan.
Give him a Santa suit.
Ralph is our man.
YAKKO: So 'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house-- Some creatures were stirring.
Including a mouse.
Tonight, my dear Pinky, our plan is unfurled.
We'll steal Santa's sleigh and take over the world.
Brain, you're a genius.
You simply astound me.
[BRAIN SCREAMING.]
Narf! Brain's gonna pound me.
[CRASHING.]
The stockings were hung so our names clearly showed.
In hopes that old Santa would leave a big load.
Mwah.
Good night, everybody.
The children were nestled all fast in their beds.
While visions of sugarplums danced in our heads.
Delicious! [YAWNS.]
We were all feeling tired when we turned out the light.
Forget it.
There's no way I'm sleeping tonight.
When out on the lot, there arose such a rumble.
YAKKO: We sprang from our beds-- WAKKO: And we all took a tumble.
And what, to our wondering eyes, did we view? DOT: But a cat and a dog in the garbage.
P-yew.
[SLEIGHBELLS RINGING.]
Then to our surprise we heard distant banters of a miniature sleigh and eight pigeons with antlers.
I'm dying here.
Oof! This sure ain't no fun.
The guy in the suit, he must weigh a ton.
With a little old driver so lively and quick WAKKO: We knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
Duh, now, Bobby.
Now, Squit.
Now, Pesto.
Now, Vixen.
On, Comet.
On, Cupid.
On, Richard and Nixon.
To the top of the tower.
Come on now.
Let's fly.
I just got a hernia thanks to this guy.
YAKKO: So up to the rooftop Santa was hurled.
As soon as it lands we'll take over the world.
Pinky, I am in considerable pain.
Narf! Zort! Poit! Gak! I'm with you, Brain.
YAKKO: It was a time of excitement.
The moment drew near.
DOT: There was no doubt about it.
WAKKO: Santa was here.
Your antlers look cute, Pesto.
All right, that's it! [PESTO AND SQUIT SHOUTING.]
Oh, Pesto! It's Christmas.
Quit whackin' on Squit.
YAKKO: And while the pigeons with antlers were having their kicks, Santa fell through the roof like a sack full of bricks.
He was dressed all in fur with a glaze in his eyes, 'cause the fall knocked him silly.
Uh, happy Easter, you guys.
His face, how it twinkled.
His dimples, how merry.
His cheeks were like roses.
His gut, that was scary.
WAKKO: He spoke not a word, but instead went right to it.
He emptied his bag.
Ah, that ought to do it.
YAKKO: Then laying his finger inside of his nose-- Which the dear network censor finds totally gross.
WAKKO: Lumbering, up the tree trunk he rose.
DOT: He sprang to his sleigh and signaled the flock.
Duh, giddyap, birdies.
YAKKO: Then they dropped like a rock.
[CRASHING.]
WAKKO: And we heard him exclaim from up high in the sky SANTA CLAUS: Season's greetings to all.
YAKKO: And we saw him fly by.
Thanks, Santa.
We mean it.
Yeah, thanks a whole lot.
SANTA CLAUS: And merry Christmas to Yakko, Wakko and Dot.
And merry Christmas, Aunt Slappy, and to you girls and boys.
As for me [YAWNS.]
I'm going downstairs to open my toys.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea.
" Good idea.
Singing Christmas carols to your neighbors.
Fa la la la la La la la la ANNOUNCER: Bad idea.
Singing Christmas carols to your neighbors on the 4th of July.
Fa la la la la La la la la ANNOUNCER: The end.
[.]
[.]
I've never seen a better Santa Claus.
He looks so real.
I almost believe he's Santa myself.
I want a Baby Go-Burp for Christmas.
Please, oh, my Santa.
[GASPS.]
[BURPS.]
Oh, thank you, Santa.
You're the best Santa in the world.
Mommy, Mommy, look.
It's Baby Go-Burp.
[BURPS.]
Santa, I've been very good, and what I want is a Mister Dude action figure, complete with polyester power suit and Dude accessories.
He is the real Santa.
Yay! No.
No, Dad, don't make me.
Isn't he a little old to be afraid of Santa Claus? Son, what the heck's wrong with you? It's just Santa Claus.
He's a chicken, Dad.
A giant chicken.
He'll peck my eyes out.
[OTHERS LAUGHING.]
He should get that boy into therapy.
He has issues.
Don't make me sit on a chicken.
See? There's no reason to be afraid of jolly old Saint Nick.
[GASPS.]
You mean jolly old Saint Chick.
[GRUNTS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[CLUCKS.]
He is a chicken! [CLUCKS.]
ALL: A chicken! Mommy! Mommy! I got chicken germs on me! What is the meaning of this? Good heavens, it's a chicken! He's traumatized the children.
We'll never shop here again.
[GROWLS.]
You're fired.
[CLUCKS.]
Maybe they let chickens play Santa in Arkansas, but that's not how we do things here in New York City.
[CLUCKING.]
Ho, ho, ho, Chicken Boo, just this once, because it's Christmas, we're giving you a happy ending.
Dashing through the snow With a chicken in a sleigh O'er the fields we go Clucking all the way Cluck, cluck, cluck Bells on chicken feet ring Making spirits bright What fun it is To ride and sing The chicken song tonight Jingle boo Jingle boo Jingle boo away Oh, what fun it is to ride With a chicken in a sleigh [CLUCKS.]
[.]
[ORCHESTRA TUNING.]
ANNOUNCER: And now performing another classical work, the great Wakkorotti.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
[AUDIENCE HUSHES.]
[PLAYING "JINGLE BELLS".]
[BELCHING "JINGLE BELLS".]
[PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING "JINGLE BELLS".]
[RESUMES BELCHING "JINGLE BELLS".]
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Excuse me.
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea.
" Good idea.
Finding Easter eggs on Easter morning.
Bad idea.
Finding Easter eggs on Christmas morning.
The end.
[.]
[.]
ALL: Shh! [CRASHING.]
[.]
[ALL YAWNING.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
ALL: Eww.
[.]
[ALL SIGH.]
[.]
[THUMPING.]
[GROWLS.]
[.]
Ah This toy isn't suitable for children under 3.
Actually, we're looking for a doll that goes potty.
You got one? [GROWLING.]
[.]
[.]
Everybody lives on a street In a city or a village Or a town For what it's worth And they're all Inside a country Which is part of a continent That sits upon a planet Known as Earth And the Earth is a ball Full of oceans And some mountains Which is out there Spinning silently in space And living on that Earth Are the plants and the animals And also the entire Human race It's a great big universe And we're all really puny We're just tiny Little specks About the size Of Mickey Rooney It's big and black and inky And we are small and dinky It's a big universe And we're not And we're part of a vast Interplanetary system Stretching 700 Billion miles long With nine planets and a sun We think the Earth's The only one That has life on it Although we could be wrong Across the interstellar voids Are a billion asteroids Including meteors And Halley's comet too And there's over 50 moons Floating out there Like balloons In a panoramic Trillion-mile view And still it's all a speck Amid 100 billion stars In a galaxy We call the Milky Way It's 60,000 trillion miles From one end to the other And still that's Just a fraction of the way 'Cause there's 100 billion galaxies That stretch across the sky Filled with constellations Planets, moons and stars And still the universe extends To a place that never ends Which is maybe Just inside a little jar It's a great big universe And we're all really puny We're just tiny Little specks About the size Of Mickey Rooney Though we don't know How it got here We're an important part here It's a big universe And it's ours [.]
ALL: Merry Christmas.
[.]