Batman s01e24 Episode Script
Mad as a Hatter
Oh, dear.
Such table manners.
Perhaps I can make you act a bit more civilized.
Bravo! They laughed when I said I'd find a way to tap into another creature's mind.
With this band and these electrodes, I can control anything.
Jervis.
Alice.
What a nice surprise.
Yeah, yeah.
Look busy.
Dr.
Cates, Mr.
Wayne.
Right this way.
Bruce, you remember Jervis Tetch.
Hello.
Of course.
I read your proposal on using microchips to enhance the brain's potential.
Sounds intriguing.
Actually, the prototype isn't quite ready yet.
Tetch, I think we owe our founder and employer, Mr.
Wayne a little more than lame excuses.
- Sorry.
- That's all right, Dr.
Cates.
He's a valued member of our research team.
I'm sure we can spare him more time.
As you say, Bruce.
Thank you.
You got off easy this time, Tetch, but heads could roll if you slip up again.
She's always like that when the big boss drops by.
Cheer up.
Mr.
Wayne knows what you mean to the company.
Sometimes, Alice, I think you're the only one who understands me.
That's just what my boyfriend says.
I guess I'm lucky to have two such amazing men in my life.
See you after lunch.
Of course, intellectually, I know it's all wrong.
She's got a boyfriend, after all.
Better to withdraw like a gentleman.
Forget her.
Turn my heart to other pursuits.
Never! Look, I've already developed a circuitry card powerful enough to control a human brain.
It would be so easy to make her forget her boorish beau and love me.
But that would reduce her to a soulless shell.
Oh, no, not my Alice.
It's hopeless.
Oh, Alice, I'm sorry.
Curiouser and curiouser.
I just wanted to talk about where our relationship was going and Billy got so defensive.
Classic male fear of commitment.
The next thing I knew, we were shouting, screaming saying we never wanted to see each other again.
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! She's mine for the asking.
I'll sweep her off her feet, treat her to a wonderful night on the town and And nothing.
What could a beautiful girl like her see in me? How could I impress her? How, indeed.
Jervis? Good evening, Miss Pleasance.
I'm here to help you forget your recent heartbreak.
Gotham can be a wonderland, Alice.
Tonight, let me be your guide.
I'll get my coat.
Did you see that? - Gotta be the Bat-Creep.
- Hey, easy money headed our way.
This is really a surprise, Jervis.
You're so quiet at work.
Oh, still waters run deep, my dear.
It's always been my philosophy that people should take what they want from life.
Hey, ours too.
Okay, Mr.
Hat, let's have the money.
On your way, lest I'm forced to teach you a lesson.
Jervis, no.
It's your funeral, nut boy.
Please, Mr.
Hat, go easy on us.
We're sorry.
Honest.
Why don't you do something useful, like go jump in the river? Okay.
- Are you all right? - I'm sorry you had to see that.
But they had to be taught a lesson.
Dare we hope Gotham treats you to an early evening, sir? I should be so lucky.
The police emergency band just switched on.
Then I'll prepare your usual breakfast: Toast, coffee, bandages.
Good night, Alfred.
All units.
Two possible suicides reported scaling the Gotham Bridge suspension tower.
- All units, please respond.
- Guess I'm elected.
Engage.
Lousy night for a swim.
Mr.
Hat told us to jump in the river.
Right.
Look, you guys stay calm and Gotta do what Mr.
Hat says.
Stop! No! Hey, man, keep away from me.
We never touched the creep.
Okay, maybe we hit him up for money, but we never Hey, what are we doing here? Monsieur Tetch, I have created a gastronomical delight for you.
All on the house, of course.
Thank you, Antoine.
Pardon, Monsieur Tetch.
Would you favor us with a photo for our celebrity wall? Enchanté, my dear.
I had no idea you were such a man about town.
This is a side I share only with those closest to me.
- Don't forget to lock up when you're done.
- Right-o.
You know, Alice in Wonderland was always my favorite story.
Do you remember "The Mock Turtle's Song"? When you showed me that strange card, I recalled an image from my childhood.
It seems those near-suicides had a run-in with a self-styled Mad Hatter.
I saw that picture earlier today in the office of a scientist who creates circuitry similar to this.
Thank you for a wonderful time.
You're a terrific friend.
Until tomorrow, dear Alice.
Tomorrow and every day afterward.
What a sweet, funny man.
- Alice? - Billy? Baby, I'm sorry.
Can we talk? Good morning.
Hello! Good to see you.
Lovely day, what? Oh, Jervis, thanks so much for cheering me up last night.
Listen, I have the most incredible news.
Billy was there after you dropped me off.
He apologized.
I forgave him.
And then he gave me this.
Can you believe it? I'm getting married.
Jervis, your hand.
Oh, it's nothing.
Forget it.
- And congratulations.
- Jervis? Jervis? I can still fix this.
I can still win! Tetch! I don't know what you did, but Bruce Wayne is demanding to see you now! I promise you, Tetch, it's your head if you've gotten my department in any trouble.
Oh, do be quiet, Dr.
Cates! Excuse me, Alice.
Have you seen Marcia or Jervis Tetch? They left together about half an hour ago.
Together? Hello? Hi, sweetie.
- My fiancé.
- Congratulations.
Billy, what's wrong? You sound so What? But why? Billy? Billy.
Excuse me, Mr.
Wayne.
I think I'm gonna need a minute alone.
Sorry, Billy, me lad, but all's fair in love and war.
Alice, darling.
I had to come back when I heard that cad abandoned you again.
How did you know? I didn't tell anyone.
Oh, pish tosh.
What matters now is we have each other, now and forever.
Oh, this is getting too weird.
What have you done with Marcia Cates and this girl's fiancé? No, I don't like this game.
Let's play another.
I anticipated there'd be trouble sooner or later, so I enlisted some help.
I'm sure you recognize my friends, The Walrus and The Carpenter.
- Why are you doing this? - For us, my dearest.
Oh, believe me.
I didn't want it this way.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat How I wonder what you're at Now, this is a game more to my liking.
Are you, the famous Batman, so intent upon destroying my happiness that you'll harm these poor mind-warped innocents to get me? Let's find out.
Off with his head! Oh, one thing I forgot to mention.
My control over my pawns increases their strength.
Guess you found that out, huh? Off with his head! Batman.
There's the knave.
Off with his head! They're programmed to attack me.
- But they won't fight you.
- I gotcha.
My aching skull.
Come, my dear.
It's time we were away.
You're mighty in Gotham, Batman but in Wonderland, the Mad Hatter reigns supreme.
I'll cut that cowl off your neck before you'll take her.
I've waited my whole lonely life for her! Then all you've waited for is a puppet.
A soulless little doll.
It didn't have to be this way.
You made me do this to her! - Alice? - Oh, Billy!
Such table manners.
Perhaps I can make you act a bit more civilized.
Bravo! They laughed when I said I'd find a way to tap into another creature's mind.
With this band and these electrodes, I can control anything.
Jervis.
Alice.
What a nice surprise.
Yeah, yeah.
Look busy.
Dr.
Cates, Mr.
Wayne.
Right this way.
Bruce, you remember Jervis Tetch.
Hello.
Of course.
I read your proposal on using microchips to enhance the brain's potential.
Sounds intriguing.
Actually, the prototype isn't quite ready yet.
Tetch, I think we owe our founder and employer, Mr.
Wayne a little more than lame excuses.
- Sorry.
- That's all right, Dr.
Cates.
He's a valued member of our research team.
I'm sure we can spare him more time.
As you say, Bruce.
Thank you.
You got off easy this time, Tetch, but heads could roll if you slip up again.
She's always like that when the big boss drops by.
Cheer up.
Mr.
Wayne knows what you mean to the company.
Sometimes, Alice, I think you're the only one who understands me.
That's just what my boyfriend says.
I guess I'm lucky to have two such amazing men in my life.
See you after lunch.
Of course, intellectually, I know it's all wrong.
She's got a boyfriend, after all.
Better to withdraw like a gentleman.
Forget her.
Turn my heart to other pursuits.
Never! Look, I've already developed a circuitry card powerful enough to control a human brain.
It would be so easy to make her forget her boorish beau and love me.
But that would reduce her to a soulless shell.
Oh, no, not my Alice.
It's hopeless.
Oh, Alice, I'm sorry.
Curiouser and curiouser.
I just wanted to talk about where our relationship was going and Billy got so defensive.
Classic male fear of commitment.
The next thing I knew, we were shouting, screaming saying we never wanted to see each other again.
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! She's mine for the asking.
I'll sweep her off her feet, treat her to a wonderful night on the town and And nothing.
What could a beautiful girl like her see in me? How could I impress her? How, indeed.
Jervis? Good evening, Miss Pleasance.
I'm here to help you forget your recent heartbreak.
Gotham can be a wonderland, Alice.
Tonight, let me be your guide.
I'll get my coat.
Did you see that? - Gotta be the Bat-Creep.
- Hey, easy money headed our way.
This is really a surprise, Jervis.
You're so quiet at work.
Oh, still waters run deep, my dear.
It's always been my philosophy that people should take what they want from life.
Hey, ours too.
Okay, Mr.
Hat, let's have the money.
On your way, lest I'm forced to teach you a lesson.
Jervis, no.
It's your funeral, nut boy.
Please, Mr.
Hat, go easy on us.
We're sorry.
Honest.
Why don't you do something useful, like go jump in the river? Okay.
- Are you all right? - I'm sorry you had to see that.
But they had to be taught a lesson.
Dare we hope Gotham treats you to an early evening, sir? I should be so lucky.
The police emergency band just switched on.
Then I'll prepare your usual breakfast: Toast, coffee, bandages.
Good night, Alfred.
All units.
Two possible suicides reported scaling the Gotham Bridge suspension tower.
- All units, please respond.
- Guess I'm elected.
Engage.
Lousy night for a swim.
Mr.
Hat told us to jump in the river.
Right.
Look, you guys stay calm and Gotta do what Mr.
Hat says.
Stop! No! Hey, man, keep away from me.
We never touched the creep.
Okay, maybe we hit him up for money, but we never Hey, what are we doing here? Monsieur Tetch, I have created a gastronomical delight for you.
All on the house, of course.
Thank you, Antoine.
Pardon, Monsieur Tetch.
Would you favor us with a photo for our celebrity wall? Enchanté, my dear.
I had no idea you were such a man about town.
This is a side I share only with those closest to me.
- Don't forget to lock up when you're done.
- Right-o.
You know, Alice in Wonderland was always my favorite story.
Do you remember "The Mock Turtle's Song"? When you showed me that strange card, I recalled an image from my childhood.
It seems those near-suicides had a run-in with a self-styled Mad Hatter.
I saw that picture earlier today in the office of a scientist who creates circuitry similar to this.
Thank you for a wonderful time.
You're a terrific friend.
Until tomorrow, dear Alice.
Tomorrow and every day afterward.
What a sweet, funny man.
- Alice? - Billy? Baby, I'm sorry.
Can we talk? Good morning.
Hello! Good to see you.
Lovely day, what? Oh, Jervis, thanks so much for cheering me up last night.
Listen, I have the most incredible news.
Billy was there after you dropped me off.
He apologized.
I forgave him.
And then he gave me this.
Can you believe it? I'm getting married.
Jervis, your hand.
Oh, it's nothing.
Forget it.
- And congratulations.
- Jervis? Jervis? I can still fix this.
I can still win! Tetch! I don't know what you did, but Bruce Wayne is demanding to see you now! I promise you, Tetch, it's your head if you've gotten my department in any trouble.
Oh, do be quiet, Dr.
Cates! Excuse me, Alice.
Have you seen Marcia or Jervis Tetch? They left together about half an hour ago.
Together? Hello? Hi, sweetie.
- My fiancé.
- Congratulations.
Billy, what's wrong? You sound so What? But why? Billy? Billy.
Excuse me, Mr.
Wayne.
I think I'm gonna need a minute alone.
Sorry, Billy, me lad, but all's fair in love and war.
Alice, darling.
I had to come back when I heard that cad abandoned you again.
How did you know? I didn't tell anyone.
Oh, pish tosh.
What matters now is we have each other, now and forever.
Oh, this is getting too weird.
What have you done with Marcia Cates and this girl's fiancé? No, I don't like this game.
Let's play another.
I anticipated there'd be trouble sooner or later, so I enlisted some help.
I'm sure you recognize my friends, The Walrus and The Carpenter.
- Why are you doing this? - For us, my dearest.
Oh, believe me.
I didn't want it this way.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat How I wonder what you're at Now, this is a game more to my liking.
Are you, the famous Batman, so intent upon destroying my happiness that you'll harm these poor mind-warped innocents to get me? Let's find out.
Off with his head! Oh, one thing I forgot to mention.
My control over my pawns increases their strength.
Guess you found that out, huh? Off with his head! Batman.
There's the knave.
Off with his head! They're programmed to attack me.
- But they won't fight you.
- I gotcha.
My aching skull.
Come, my dear.
It's time we were away.
You're mighty in Gotham, Batman but in Wonderland, the Mad Hatter reigns supreme.
I'll cut that cowl off your neck before you'll take her.
I've waited my whole lonely life for her! Then all you've waited for is a puppet.
A soulless little doll.
It didn't have to be this way.
You made me do this to her! - Alice? - Oh, Billy!