Big Nate (2022) s01e24 Episode Script

1
- Ugh, I can't even
with you right now!
- Ugh, another comic ruined.
- Natalie F. told me
what you said to Denise Q.
You are such a weasel, Todd!
- Oh, ah, oh!
- That's 72 boyfriends
Ellen's dated
and 72 she's dumped,
but, hey, it's her own fault.
The guys she picks
are total losers.
You don't believe me?
Let's review.
There was Dean who
couldn't remember Ellen's name.
- I love you, Erin.
I mean Emma!
No, no, Trish.
Uh, Angela?
- And then there was Tristan
who was secretly using Ellen
to copy off her homework.
- [chuckles] No regrets.
- Then, of course,
there was the lovely Jeff
who openly and proudly
picked his nose.
And then there was
this guy, Cal,
yeah, dude couldn't decide
which direction
to point his hat in.
- Wait, sideways!
I choose sideways!
- Honestly, that's just
the abridged version.
- Get out!
We're through!
- [sighs]
- Uh, Ellen asked me
to give you this.
- Thanks.
- Dumped.
- And now onto
more pressing news.
We need a new school anthem.
Our current anthem is outdated
and reflects poorly
on our school.
Mr. Galvin, if you will?
- Our building's full of
state of the art asbestos ♪
Our band's piano has ♪
The finest elephant
ivory keys ♪
Our playground
is completely pest free ♪
Thanks to an abundant use
of DDT ♪
Root toot a toot toot ♪
- We need a school anthem
that will inspire, not confuse.
That's why I've nominated
Nate Wright's band
Fear the Mollusk
to create a new anthem
that really speaks
to the children.
[together]
What?
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today ♪
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play ♪
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay ♪
Detention again ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king ♪
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test ♪
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Big Nate ♪
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
- [speaking gibberish]
- [screams]
- [speaking gibberish]
- [screaming]
- [laughs]
[knocks]
[TV volume increases]
- [knocks intensely]
- Hey, okay, okay!
Ugh, who is it?
Huh?
- Hey, I'm Blade.
[rock music]
- [gasps]
It's the coolest teen boy
I've ever seen.
♪
[both grunting]
[bike rumbling]
[horns honking]
♪
- [laughs]
♪
- [laughs]
♪
- Is, uh, Ellen around?
- You me [clears throat]
You mean, like, Ellen
as in my sister Ellen?
- Uh, I think so.
Ellen Wright.
She's blonde, always wears
a pink shirt and green pants,
total hottie.
- Total hottie.
- Hm, everything
but the hottie part checks out.
Well, come on in, man.
[comical sound effects]
- Oh, hang on!
Is that "Artichoke and Walnut"?
Oh, I used to love this show.
- Wait, really?
All my friends think I'm
a total dork for watching it.
- No way, "Artichoke
and Walnut" is classic.
Wait, wait, is this the episode
where they run around screaming
for, like, ten minutes straight?
- Yeah!
Well, you know, I mean,
technically,
that's every episode, but yeah.
♪
Isn't it so great?
- [chuckles]
- OMG, is that Blade?
Is he here?
- All right, nice hanging
with you, little dude.
Stay rad.
- [sniffing]
I smell Booyah Banana
Body Spray.
But is that him, or is it me?
[sniffs]
It's him and me.
- Know what?
I say we look
at this school anthem gig
as an opportunity.
Every band
has to start somewhere.
- Forget it, Dee Dee.
There's just nothing
that says "rah, rah"
about PS 38.
- I thought PS 38 was rated
number one public middle school
in the country.
I read so in magazine.
It's why we moved to Rackleff.
- Uh, Artur, it's a list
of the schools
with the highest lice
infections in the country.
- Then my family
made huge mistake.
[eerie music]
- Ugh, help us out here, Nate.
- What?
Oh, sorry, guys.
I just met
the dopest high schooler.
- Huh?
Oh, oh, I got you.
[laughs]
What's her name?
- No, no, no, no, it's a dude,
but here's the weird thing.
He's dating Ellen, my sister.
I mean, can you believe that?
- I don't know, Nate.
Seems pretty normal to me.
- And age appropriate.
- Yeah, I see nothing wrong
with that, bro.
- I mean, even so,
I better go check on him,
you know, make sure he's okay.
Don't you think?
- Uh, yeah?
- Cool, well, uh, good talk.
See you guys later.
- Did Nate just ditch us
to hang out
with his sister's boyfriend?
- Oh, your room is still kind of
like a little girl's room, huh?
I really like how you're still
in touch with your childhood.
- [chuckles]
Thanks, I guess, um
[door clatters]
Nate, uh,
what are you doing, uh?
- I mean, I thought Blade might
like to read some of my comics.
- Nate, this isn't a good time.
- [laughs]
You're super funny, little dude.
I wasn't half this good
at making fun of teachers
when I was your age.
[lush orchestral music]
- Well, I'll just be
in the kitchen
drinking kombucha.
It's good for my colon.
- Be there in a minute, babe.
- So you see,
formulas are your friends.
- Well, uh, what if I want
to be more than friends?
- [chuckles] With formulas?
- Hey, Blade,
there's a dead squirrel
caught in that storm drain.
Wanna see?
- You know it!
[laughter]
- [sighs]
That cloud kind of looks
like a heart.
- Yeah.
And that cloud
looks like a butt.
- [laughs] Oh, it really does.
[laughter]
- [straining]
- Say, I think
we're alone now ♪
Doesn't seem
to be anyone around ♪
[Tiffany's
"I Think We're Alone Now"]
I think we're alone now ♪
The beating of our hearts
is the only sound ♪
- This isn't a cabin
in the woods.
It's a cabin in the suburbs!
- I want to speak
to the manager!
- Hey, Blade.
- [screams]
- Check out these comics.
- Whoa, is that "Cyber Billy"
issue eight?
You know, what's special
about that one is
[together]
it has the incentive cover
that only one copy shipped
per every hundred
comic stores ordered.
- [gasps]
- Ugh.
Blade, meet me
in my bedroom now.
[footsteps thudding]
[both chuckle nervously]
- Okay, this relationship
is getting far too crowded.
You have to choose, Blade.
It's gotta be me or Nate.
- [grunts] Oof.
Uh, yeah, hey, hey,
what's up, man?
- [sighs]
I can't see you anymore.
- What, no, no, no,
but I thought we were bros.
No, it doesn't have
to be this way.
- Sorry, little dude,
you'll understand
when you're older.
- N no!
Don't you walk out that door!
Oh!
[sobbing]
Why, Blade?
Why?
[mouse squeaking]
- Hey, Nate!
- We were hoping
now that you and Blade
aren't hanging out so much,
you could finally help us
with the school anthem!
- Uh, don't take this
the wrong way, Nate,
but, uh, you look like cat poop.
- [meows]
- Everything okay, friend Nate?
- [sniffles] Yeah, sure, Artur.
I feel like someone just ripped
my heart out of my chest
and my soul is slowly leaving
my body,
but yeah, sure.
- [chuckles]
Dramatic much, bro?
You just met this cool teen boy.
Hey, don't be too available.
- Ugh, you guys
just don't understand
what Blade and I had.
- Look, Nate.
We've all formed super quick,
super strong attachments
to cool teenagers,
like Maynard Horowitz.
[triumphant music]
- Oh, Darcy Peterson.
[rock music]
- Ace Tombstone.
♪
- Boy with no name but lots
of hair on chest and eyes.
[dramatic music]
- [sobbing]
- Huh?
- Hey, cool band.
How's that anthem coming along?
- Yeah, great.
- Lots of ideas flowing.
- Just so good.
- A lot of them.
- Well, that's good, good, good
because not only
is our current school anthem
deeply problematic,
it turns out its tune was stolen
from an obscure,
turn of the century
ragtime song
that isn't public domain.
We need a new anthem and fast!
Don't let me down!
- All right, guys, I guess
we have to get serious
about coming up with this song
with or without Nate.
- [sobbing]
- There has to be
something inspiring
about our school, right?
- Oh, we can sing
about how recess is the time
to reflect, unwind
- Ow!
- My leg!
- [eagle screeches]
- Stop!
- Heal?
- Uh, hey!
Don't we have a computer lab?
[mouse squeaking]
- Ugh, if only friend Nate
were here.
- Blade!
[sobbing]
[sobbing continues]
[sobbing continues]
- What's wrong, buddy?
Did you get rejected
by that little blonde haired
girl again?
What was her name, Ar Arbuckle?
Weird name for a girl.
- Oh, Nate's just upset
because I won't share
my boyfriend with him.
- I know how he feels.
[chuckles]
Blade is the bomb.
I wonder if he could give me
any dating tips.
- Dad, no, gross!
[faucet squeaks]
- Oh, it's not over yet, Ellen.
I'm not giving up so easily.
Blade and I have a connection.
A past lives meets soulmates
kind of bond.
Some might call us
star children.
- Stop, what are you
even saying, dweebus?
That you're gonna steal
my boyfriend away from me?
- Seems like you two
need some sibling time.
I'll be in the uh, not here.
[grunts]
- Pfft, I don't need
to steal Blade, Ellen.
He's gonna come running back
to my arms,
probably in super slow mo.
- Slow mo.
- Into your arms?
- Well, I mean, I guess?
I don't know.
I haven't really thought about
exactly the tangible logistics
of the whole thing.
Look, this is all
very confusing for me.
- All right, well,
challenge accepted.
May the best sibling win.
[jaguar roars]
- It says here that PS 38
used to be a horse glue factory.
Ugh, you guys find anything?
- Hey, is that hug friend Nate
with Zeff?
- I'm really honored that you
asked me to hang, little bro.
Wow.
- Yeah, of course, big bro.
[laughs]
Yeah, no.
I've always wanted
to get to know
the real Zeff, yeah,
the Zeff behind the various
minimum wage work counters
I see you at all over town.
- Oh, can you believe this?
Nate is ditching us to hang out
with yet another teen boy.
- I understood Blade,
but we're cooler
than Zeff, right?
- Well, I don't mean to brag,
but I've recently taken up
the ancient craft
of spinning sea silk
from clam spit.
Mm.
[swishes fluid]
Blah.
[soft dramatic music]
- Hey, what do you know about
this guy
Nate's hanging out with?
- I don't know.
He's just some rando guy
who works at pretty much
all the places in Rackleff.
Why?
- So he's worldly and loaded?
- You know, it's getting late
and we need to leave,
or we'll miss
our dinner reservations.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Sorry, it was in my pocket.
- Hey, it's the thought
that counts, right?
- Your spaghetti
and smooch special.
Hmph!
[both slurping]
- Ugh!
- Looks like someone's
spa-getting busy!
[chuckles]
[chewing loudly]
- Check!
♪
- These seats are open.
[metal grinding]
- Hmm?
- Hey, little dude
- Just ignore them.
- Uh-huh.
I heard that
[laughter]
- You're funny, little bro.
- Oh, Nate's doing this
to torture me, don't you think?
- Are you kidding me right now?
- Well, I'm not gonna
just sit here and take it.
Hey, you, that's my little dude
you're bro-ing out with!
- No way.
- Shh!
- Nate is my little bro.
- Would you be quiet?
- We're trying to watch
a movie here!
- Oh!
[both grunting]
- Blade.
- Hey, babe, what's up?
- Yeah, so we're through.
- Wha wait, you're not
breaking up with me, are you?
Ellen, babe!
- Wait wait wait a minute.
Were you just bro-ing with me
to make that other bro jealous?
I thought we had
something special, little bro,
but I guess you're no different
than the others.
See you around,
which I'm sure I will
because of
my profilic part-time work.
- [sobbing] Ah!
- We're going to have
so much fun together.
[chuckles]
[Tiffany's
"I Think We're Alone Now"]
- Children, behave ♪
- [screaming]
- Huh?
- That's what they say
when we're together ♪
And watch how you play ♪
They don't understand,
and so we're ♪
Running just as fast
as we can ♪
- [laughs] Huh.
- Nate Wright,
Mr. Steal Yo Man.
Ow!
- [clears throat]
Hey, Blade, what are you
benching these days?
No, no, that's weird.
Okay, let's try this again.
[knocks]
Uh, hey, Blade uh
[dramatic music]
Blade?
What happened to you, man?
- [sighs] Come in.
[quirky acoustic music]
[flatulence]
- [sniffs]
Oh, that smell is not
Booyah Banana Body Spray.
[TV static drones]
Ugh, oh, hey, I thought
I'd bring some comics over.
Maybe we could
read 'em together.
- Afraid now's not a good time.
I'm a mess, little bro.
- Wait a minute.
This isn't about Ellen, is it?
- [sighs]
I've never been dumped before.
It hurts!
It's like having a splinter
under the fingernail
of your heart!
- Hearts don't have
fingernails, but I get it.
- Ugh, I'm a wreck!
[melancholic music]
♪
I just need to stop the pain!
[sobbing]
- Okay, listen, Blade,
this is all my fault.
Hanging out with you
was so awesome,
I wanted you all to myself,
and you know what?
That was wrong.
- It's not your fault,
little bro.
How could anyone love someone
that's so so this!
I can't even feel when I have
to go to the bathroom anymore.
[stomach gurgles]
Like, I just went!
- [gags]
Oh, oh, man, that is brutal.
Okay, look, I'm gonna leave
because I honestly can't bear
to smell you another second.
[retching]
But I'm gonna fix this, Blade.
I swear!
[dramatic music]
- Ellen!
Ellen!
I have to talk to you!
- [laughing]
- Ellen?
- Oh, Blade!
Oh, you shouldn't have.
[laughs]
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
[smooching]
- Whatever Blade did to her,
well, she's shattered.
I'd hunt him down
in a fit of Dad rage
if only he won't so darn cool!
[INXS' "Never Tear Us Apart"]
- Two worlds collided ♪
♪
And they could never
tear us apart ♪
[knocks]
- Oh, uh, hey, Dee Dee.
- Huh, what do you want?
- Look, can we just talk?
I'm in trouble.
Huh?
- What's wrong, Nate?
Honeymoon period over
with Blade?
- I really messed up, guys.
Blade and Ellen are honestly
barely functional human beings
because of me.
- And what about other teen boy
you shared ice creams with?
Is honeymoon over with him
as well?
- Wait, wait, I'm confused.
I thought Dee Dee
was supposed to be the one
who was so into drama.
- Yeah, Nate.
Stop stealing my thing
and enough with these
stupid bromances.
What about the school anthem?
Nate, you totally abandoned us.
- I know!
I'm sorry.
But hey, Nichols probably
forgot all about it, right?
- Wrong.
[answering machine beeps]
- Hi, Dee Dee, how's that
school anthem coming along?
Did I mention
that several protest groups
are threatening legal action?
Me again.
So turns out
those protest groups
are no longer satisfied
with legal action
and are outside my office
right now with pitchforks.
They found my home address!
Please, kids!
I need that song!
I need that
[crash]
- [gulps]
- We tried to find
something good about PS 38,
but did you know?
There is nothing good
about PS 38.
- Hm, well, sure, yeah, I mean,
PS 38 has its faults
just like any other school
or person for that matter.
Wait, that's it!
Guys, I have an idea
for the song!
We're gonna need to get
Ellen, Nichols, and Zeff
all in one place, and we'll
need Blade to sing with us.
- Intriguing, with just a hint
of unnecessarily complex.
- These lyrics you wrote
don't exactly make me seem
like the most confident guy,
little bro.
- Oh, come on,
it's emo music, Blade.
Putting your heart on the line.
Girls love that kind of junk,
especially Ellen.
- I just don't know
if this is gonna
Whoa.
What if she doesn't come?
- [chuckles]
I thought about that.
She will.
I told her I got into
a horrendous go-kart
racing accident with horrible,
disfiguring injuries.
- Um, hello?
I was told I'd be safe here.
- I was told to open up
the track only.
Don't know why.
- Hey, those are my students.
And one
very cool looking teenager.
- Hey, I heard that Nate
got into a horrendous
go-kart racing accident with
horrible, disfiguring injuries?
Oh, he's okay.
Hashtag disappointed.
Wait a minute, is that Blade?
[upbeat rock music]
♪
- So I may have cracks
in my foundation ♪
These old halls
littered with debris ♪
If you can look past
the rat infestation ♪
You just might see
the real me ♪
♪
- Do you think
you can love me ♪
With my faults and all? ♪
'Cause, baby,
I am in disrepair ♪
Do you think
you could ever love a ♪
Boy like me ♪
- School like me ♪
- I can work it out
this time, I swear ♪
Now that my walls
are coming down ♪
- PS 38's where we call home ♪
- I hope you'll stick around ♪
- I've always been
your little dude ♪
- My Bunsen burner's burning
noxious fumes for you ♪
♪
- Do you think
you can love me ♪
With my faults and all? ♪
'Cause, baby,
I am in disrepair ♪
Do you think
you could ever love a ♪
Boy like me ♪
- School like me ♪
- We can work it out
this time, I swear ♪
- He wrote that song for me.
- Little dude wrote that song
for me.
- Those clever kids wrote us
a new school anthem!
- Oh, Blade, that was
I didn't know you had
those feelings for me.
- Ellen, I've been a mess
without you.
- Oh, me too.
I mean, I know
it's only been 24 hours,
but I just can't imagine a life
without you, Blade.
I know that we're
still so young,
and this is all so new, and
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Let me finish.
Your rejection
completely destroyed me,
which made me realize
I really need
to work on myself.
I need to take some Blade time.
- So you're dumping me for you?
- [sighs]
I knew you'd understand.
I hope we can still be friends.
- Hey.
You want to go home?
- Uh-huh.
[sobbing]
I mean, he was all like,
"I love you."
And then he was all like,
"I love myself."
[sobbing]
- Cool teenage boys,
they have to be stopped.
- Hey, wait, why are you
being so nice to me?
- Because I know how much
it hurts to lose someone,
specifically Blade.
- So next time
sisses before bros?
- Sisses before bros.
[upbeat music]
- You can all thank
Fear the Mollusk
for our new school anthem.
Uh, of course, I had to put
my own spin on it.
Break it down,
Field Marshall Potato!
-Uh, I'm mashed and buttered ♪
Roasted or fried ♪
You can look beyond
the starch but my faults ♪
Can't be denied,
wicka wicka wicka wickie ♪
Ooh, hey ♪
- Ugh, just tell me
when it's over.
- Faults and all Oh, yeah!
- Do you think
you can love me ♪
With my faults and all? ♪
'Cause, baby,
I am in disrepair ♪
Do you think
you could ever love a ♪
Boy like me ♪
- School like me ♪
- I can work it out
this time, I swear ♪
Now that my walls
are coming down ♪
- PS 38's where we call home ♪
- I hope you'll stick around ♪
- I've always been
your little dude ♪
- My Bunsen burner's burning ♪