Cougar Town s01e24 Episode Script

If you guys are dating, why do I still have to keep it a secret? - I'll take this one, babe.
- OK.
Cuckoo.
Right, right, right.
It's just because this relationship is so new.
I just Grayson and I are like pools.
We're still sticking our toes in each other.
Grossest thing I've ever said.
I'm gonna go throw up.
I wanna get comfortable before people start judging us, you know? I feel like we might have a shot Ellie, are you listening to me? If conversation goes on too long without being about me, I'm out.
- You look so beautiful today.
- I'm back in.
Check out what I found on this medical website.
Get everyone over here.
Now! Here's the most important part of the medical study: "Women who consumed a moderate amount of alcohol had a lower risk of becoming overweight during 12 years of follow-up.
" Bam! - I don't get it.
- Drinking keeps women skinny.
- Oh, my God! - This is bigger than curing cancer.
And, all together now: If it's on the Internet [all.]
it must be true! Exactly.
Now, everyone sip, please.
[Slurping.]
Afternoon, booze bags.
What are we celebrating today? - Science.
- Big week, huh? Graduating from high school.
- Why are you pretending to care? - Just trying it out.
- Not a huge fan.
- The ceremony is this Friday, correct? What? Fancy-dancy notebook? Yeah, it helps me keep track of things, like appointments, birthdays, phone numbers, people I owe money to, slash, need to avoid.
- Of course.
- Makes sense.
Plus, it makes me look smart.
- Observe.
- [Andy.]
Wow! You look like a rocket scientist.
What did you write? - "I love pretzels.
" - No, you didn't.
You wrote, "I," then a heart, then a squiggly line.
- That's a pretzel.
- Good God.
- To getting skinny.
- Getting skinny! Thank you.
OK, I've got the graduation tickets.
Cool.
You guys, check this out.
- I didn't know you went here.
- I didn't.
I just wrote that while you guys were getting the tickets.
All right, well, put my name.
I rock, too.
- OK.
- Jules, look! Remember that car dealership promotion where they let that red balloon go with two thousand bucks in it? I'll bet that's it.
I'm gonna go climb that pole, logger-style.
Sorry I can't make it to Trav's graduation.
Smith has to go to the Bahamas on a work thing and he invited me to tag along.
And you know how much I love going to countries with handsome black men wandering around.
It's one of your favorite things.
And to be able to share that with Smith It's so romantic.
Oh, honey, it's OK.
- Hey, how's it going up there? - Getting there.
Wrong balloon.
Let's go.
Why do you have a dart in your purse? Who keeps taking my darts? Maybe someone thinks it's dangerous to have darts flying around while people are drinking.
I don't know.
This is a business, you know.
[Laughing.]
Good one.
So, Trav, you giving the speech at graduation? Nope.
Not the valedictorian.
Isn't there also another speaker that's not a giant nerd? Yeah.
They pick an average student to kinda speak for the masses.
It's called "The Everyman," but I didn't submit a speech.
I just don't think graduating high school is really that big a deal.
- What? It's huge! - I'm with her, buddy.
I think we can all agree that I peaked in high school.
Weird thing to pound out.
I was a stud in high school, too.
I used to buy beer for everybody.
Bald by 16.
[Travis.]
Well, didn't age prematurely.
So, for me, it's just over.
Do me a favor, my graduation, let's not make a crazy, giant deal about it, OK? - Whatever you want, sweetie.
- Thanks.
That kid doesn't know what he wants.
- Mm-mm! - Mm-mm.
That's my beer.
You suck at musical beers.
This is my bar, damn it! [Jules.]
OK.
You guys have one job, and that's to come up with something great for Travis's graduation that just shows him how proud we all are.
It's just gotta be big.
And I'm not talking about some little button with his baby picture on it, OK? 'Cause that is weak sauce.
I already wrote down a fantastic idea.
Hold on.
Hold on.
I do love pretzels.
- I'm gonna burn that notebook.
- Found it! - Oh, boy.
- Baby picture buttons! Shoot.
Jules, it's supposed to be Please don't make me go to Travis's graduation.
Please, I'll hate it.
Look, my family never showed up for big events.
With Travis - You have perfect skin.
- I'm back in.
Ellie Torres, you are my family.
If you try to skip out on Travis's graduation, I will murder you.
Hard.
Fine, I'll go.
But guess who's coming with me? Bam! Holy, big hat! I love it.
Hides so much of your face.
- Did Andy let you in? - Uh-huh.
He's not allowed to do that without warning me.
[Giggling.]
- [Screams.]
- Oh! That's for letting Laurie in.
All right, come here.
Love you.
- Bye.
- I love it.
It's like we're in prison.
Oh! You got your yearbook.
Besides my senior photo, there's one picture of me, and it's with Mr.
Goulsby, the creepy wood shop teacher.
[Jules laughing.]
Why do you have your hands on his breasts? Because I was pretending to push him into the band saw, - but they cropped that part out.
- Bummer for you, dude.
What happened to Mr.
"I Don't Care About High School?" What was I supposed to say? I didn't make any mark at all.
The only thing that matters is that you got through it.
It's not like I made some big splash in high school.
Really? Because I got your yearbook.
We don't need to look through that.
I mean, I'm barely in it.
Look, inside cover.
You as the prom queen.
Yeah, I got 98 percent of the vote, but, you know, whatever.
I mean, it's only one thing.
It doesn't mean I was super cool.
Is this you dancing on stage with Bruce Springsteen? Yeah.
That was super cool.
- Stop.
- I'm sorry.
Thirty-nine, forty.
There are 40 pictures of you in this yearbook.
How is this helping? Ooh! Forty-two if you count these kids who dressed up as you for the Halloween dance.
Oh, yeah.
The Beasley twins.
Weird boys.
Why didn't I play any sports? Didn't I like football when I was younger? Why did I stop playing that? Mrs.
Cobb, he just skinned his knee! Never again! Never again! I don't know, you just decided you hated it.
- OK, sad face.
- Don't you mean "normal face?" - Really? - Sorry.
You're gonna write a speech, and you're gonna be the "Everyman" guy.
They're never gonna pick me.
If you believed in yourself even half as much as I believe in you, you would know you could do anything.
- [Stammering.]
You - Yes, I got that from a Sandra Bullock movie, but, you know, I still mean it.
All right, why not? Did they do a play about you? No.
Stop it.
It was a musical.
And it was brilliant.
Thank you.
Hit.
So my trip with Smith fell through.
Oh, but I didn't buy you a ticket to Travis's graduation.
If it's OK with you, I'll just miss it and then maybe I'll catch up with you guys after.
- [Phone ringing.]
- OK.
- Hello? - I need to see you tonight.
That would be acceptable.
[Gasps.]
That's booty call language.
Who are you talking to? I'm talking to the cemetery.
They want to move my Dad's casket.
Worst liar ever.
By a creek would be great.
- My dad loved creeks.
- Oh.
[Singing show tune.]
So? Awful.
Now it's my turn to share.
- I'll be right back.
- [Jules.]
OK.
You guys mock all you want, but that song will be in your head later.
If it is, it'll be my last thought before I shoot myself.
So they picked "Mr.
Everyman.
" You're doing that fake mislead, aren't you? It's you! - It's not.
- Yes, it's you! - Mom, stop.
- Sorry.
- OK, it's me! - All right! Oh, God! - Come here, I'm so proud of you! - Way to go, Trav.
Let's go to the mall where they print your picture on a sweatshirt.
Because I don't want to just remember this moment, Travis.
I want to wear it.
That's kinda weird, but, I'm too psyched to be humiliated.
So let's go.
[Door opens.]
- [Door closes.]
- Jules? No.
Uh No.
- Hello.
- Where's Jules? Crazy Town.
Nice dress.
If you're going for classy, that ship sailed about three tattoos ago.
I only have two.
That was easy.
See, the key is to come up with something to show Travis how proud we are.
So, I'm thinking fireworks.
When he goes up to get his diploma, I light a firecracker, like so.
Careful, Bobby.
What? It's just a tiny little fire [firecracker explodes.]
[Screams.]
Never again! Never again! [Grunts.]
I'm fine, buddy.
Just quit talking so quiet.
[Andy.]
What are you doing? No one's allowed to touch Ellie's new big hat.
What's going on? [gasps.]
Put the scissors down and step away from the hat.
I am so sick of you picking on me! "Laurie's stupid," "Laurie's a tramp," "Laurie fixed her broken tooth with Crazy Glue.
" Oh, and those eye rolls, like you think you're so much better than me.
Am I supposed to just sit here and take it? Well, guess what? I am done with that.
- So this is happening.
- [Andy.]
No, no Oh Oh, yeah.
And again, and again, and again, and again.
Still happening.
If it's any consolation, that hat was so big you could probably make a thousand tiny ones.
[Door slams shut.]
I don't care that you're covering your face.
I know it's you.
Thank you for believing in me.
And I love you.
[Sighs, sniffles.]
And that weird sound is my cue to go.
So I love you, too.
Whoa! That was insane.
He was literally sitting on my face.
I know, he's never had much feeling in his butt.
When he was a kid, I used to pick him up by his little tush and carry him around without him even waking up.
I don't even know how to pretend to care about that.
Listen, I stole his speech off his desk.
Or instead of reading that, you could, take off that ridiculous sweatshirt - Awesome sweatshirt.
- Awesome sweatshirt, I mean.
And then, you know, well, I could I could kiss your neck.
And then I could Yeah, yeah, I know how sex works.
[Gasps.]
Ooh! Here's the gold.
"There is no way I would be where I am, or for that matter, who I am, if it weren't for the love and support of Bobby Cobb?" [Laughing.]
I'm not even in here! I know what can make you feel better.
I mean, seriously? [Grayson.]
My fault for trying.
"Some just see a crazy man chasing a red balloon.
But I see a dad teaching me to never give up.
" Can you believe he wrote that crap? I can, because it's the hundredth time you've read it to me.
Guess who just signed himself up for a day of being reminded - of how much I do for him? - Please don't let it be me.
I raise that kid, and this is the thanks I get? [Muffled groan.]
OK! Get off me! It's not funny.
I couldn't breathe.
You're alive.
Now, quit your bitching and go get me some coffee.
- What? - Welcome to the second week of dating.
Fun! Let's go! Go, go! Let's go.
Go.
Go.
Is anyone having a worse morning than this? - Wakey-wakey.
- [Screams.]
I broke a window to get in.
This is your new dress, right? Do whatever you want.
I don't care.
- Well, come back out.
- No! You're ruining it.
So, what's that all about? We've been struggling how to properly let you know we're proud of you at your graduation and this seemed like the most sensible option.
- I think it's charming.
- It's an inflatable gorilla! [Bobby.]
It was Andy's idea to put your face on it.
Cool.
Cool.
Can we talk inside for a sec? Huh? - No.
- Come on! If I told you that gorilla is the very same one from the car dealership that let that money balloon go, and I feel like this might bring us some kinda karmic good will in our quest to find that very balloon, would that make a difference to you? Uh No.
Excuse me, do you wanna weigh in here? I'm sorry, I was just working on a payment plan for your college tuition.
It's really complicated, 'cause I also have to set aside some of my money for your food and your clothes.
Otherwise you'd die of hunger.
Or at least get sick from, you know, being naked all the time.
Look, my graduation is tomorrow.
Can we not just go one day without embarrassing me? One day.
Don't worry, honey.
I'll handle this the way I've gotten you over most of your life's major hurdles.
You know, it's really no different than when I taught you how to read.
This feels a little different.
Look over there, Andy.
It's your house, go to it.
I'm good.
Hello.
Have you been sitting there for 20 minutes? What else have I got to do? I'm Ellie.
Why the freak out, little bear? We always give each other crap and you don't care.
It's not about you.
I only got this stupid dress for Travis's graduation.
It's why I'm skipping my Bahamas trip.
I wanted to be here because Your hair looks really nice.
Back in.
When you tried to back out of going to Travis's graduation, Jules threatened to murder you.
When I said I was skipping it, she didn't even try to convince me not to.
She didn't care.
It's not nice to test friends when they don't know they're being tested.
Look, for a long time, my self-esteem was tied to whether or not a man wanted me sexually.
Your mom did such a great job with you.
I know.
But then I became friends with Jules and someone like her liking me made me feel like I was worth something.
And I get that you guys have all this history, but sometimes it's really hard feeling like she cares more about you.
Click.
You and I don't talk on the phone, but this is how I'm gonna hang up on you from now on when you say stupid things.
You know Jules loves you.
And yes, I'd like to think if there was a fire and Jules could only save one of us, I'd have to get a shrink to get your death screams out of my head.
But honestly, I don't know who she'd pick.
Thank you, Ellie.
Don't try to act like this is a nice moment.
That's even crazier than having 12 pictures of Taye Diggs in your apartment.
I only put them out when Smith isn't here.
His smile lights up the world.
[Jules.]
Look at him over there having lunch with his dad.
Makes me wanna puke.
When I'm being this petty, does it make me seem more or less sexy? It makes you seem like an asexual man goblin.
- Oh.
- You know what the worst part is? Even when you're acting like a chore, I still like you.
- Well, that must be frustrating.
- It really is.
I'm just gonna talk to Travis and just tell him why I'm so upset.
Do not do that.
If we're gonna date, you're gonna have to at least pretend to listen to me every once in a while.
I can do that.
I'll just nod a lot.
Bring it.
- You know Travis loves you.
- Mm-hm.
And if you guilt him about writing a nice speech about Bobby, he'll feel horrible, and then you'll feel horrible And then you'll turn back into a man goblin and would you stop nodding? Just let this go and you'll feel better in the end, OK? Trust me, for once.
There's a giant gorilla with Travis's face outside.
- We know.
- He's blue.
OK.
Look, since you didn't shred my dress, I got you this.
- What, did I miss a fight? - Nothing big.
Just hat murder.
[Jules.]
Hey, listen.
If you're gonna be in town this weekend, you are definitely going to Travis's graduation.
That's ridiculous.
Did you tell her? Laurie, you're family.
You have to be there.
OK.
Sure, I'll come.
Yeah.
All right, well I I'll just see you guys tomorrow then.
Don't let the door hit you.
I'm such an idiot.
Thanks for telling me.
If you ever let her know, our friendship is over.
OK.
- It isn't big enough.
- Really? - Hello, Jules.
- Barb? - Do you have a relative graduating? - No, silly.
Oh, here it goes.
I'm here with some friends for our annual fantasy draft.
It's always fun to see the talent up close before you make your picks.
- Hey, Mom.
- Oh, Travis Cobb.
Let's see.
Yes.
Travis gets scooped up in the early rounds.
Congrats.
Please go sit very far away.
I feel violated.
- Look at you in your outfit.
- I know, I'm adorable.
Oh, by the way, my speech is mostly about Dad, just because, you know, he's always so hard on himself, saying how he peaked in high school, and I just wanted to do something nice for him, you know? I think that's great.
That's why you're so amazing, because you just do all this stuff for me, and you never ask for anything in return.
And I hope you know how grateful I am.
[Sighs, sniffles.]
That's my noise.
- Love you, Mom.
- I love you.
OK, you knock 'em dead.
Don't be smug.
It's who I am.
Ridiculous.
OK, I'm going to take turns crying on each of you, all right? - Go crazy.
- Sounds good.
Trav's about to speak.
Dude, look! That's it.
I can feel it in my bones.
Hey.
No.
For once, we are not going to embarrass him.
[Jules.]
No.
Howdy, folks.
No.
No Uh My name is Travis Cobb.
And In the forest of life I love my dad! Let's get it! What? Go, go, go, go! Did you hear that? Best speech ever! - [Shrieking, grunting.]
- Somebody get it! I'm sorry, It's really hot out here.
- You can get under, too.
- All right.
- [Ellie.]
Look at those idiots.
- They look absurd.
[Shouting, screaming.]
- Why'd you call me? - Look.
[Andy.]
Ew! - So they're? - Uh-huh.
I don't want to see that.
Why would you make me see that? Because we're hungry, and we want you to get take-out.
- Go.
- [Sighs.]
Come on.
- Are these my darts? - I don't know.
That's weird.