Kiff (2021) s01e24 Episode Script

1
[opening theme music playing]
Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff ♪
Kiff! ♪
[giggles]
[both laugh]
[announcer]
Brought to you by Walt's Water Bottles.
Glug, glug.
- [indistinct chatter]
- Ahem.
You've all seen my field trip
tie hundreds of times.
- [all groan]
- But in a matter of hours,
you'll all be able to see
what this tie looks like
as a really old tie.
[bubble gum pops]
Because at the end of today's field trip
to the Table Town Museum,
we'll all be getting our pictures taken
by a magical camera.
- [excited whispers]
- A magical camera?
[Principal Secretary]
The camera will show you
what you'll look like
when you're really old.
That camera's always closed
for maintenance.
This is unheard of.
Ooh, if we take our pic together,
we'll see ourselves as old best friends.
I need it!
It's hard for me to picture us
with deep wrinkles,
which means my daydreams
just go blank after 42.
We'll get the pic.
[music playing over headphones]
[smacks lips]
Bar, can you pass me my water?
- [bus rumbles]
- [gasps]
Guess we're in a school zone.
[bus rumbles]
[both laugh]
Oh, oh. Oh, I got you.
[in British accent] She needs water.
[giggles]
Wait, okay, okay.
[slurps]
Ah.
She has water!
[in British accent] Now he needs water.
[giggles and slurps]
[Kiff] He has water.
What are you guys doing?
[both in normal accent] Drinking water.
[both laugh]
You're in silly moods, aren't you?
- No.
- [both laughing]
[Barry in British accent] Absolutely not.
[in normal accent]
Ah! I couldn't finish it!
- I couldn't--
- [both cackling]
[both laughing]
This is no place for silly moods.
Come back when you have a sense
of decorum and duty.
"Doodie."
[both snickering]
Barry, that's us
if we can't get it together.
But I need our future photo.
I know. We have to get rid
of these silly moods.
Like, completely gone.
But silly moods can last for hours.
- Even days.
- Oh, not this one.
This one has to go.
First up, the whale sounds exhibit.
[whales groaning]
We can't go in there.
We have to. We'll lose track of everyone.
But whales sound ridiculous.
[giggles] Everybody knows that.
We won't last a second.
What if we wait till they're almost out,
and then speed walk through?
- Nice.
- Rice.
- Barry.
- [giggles]
What am I doing?
[whales groaning and moaning continuously]
[giggles]
[stifled laughter]
Barry, stop walking like that.
You stop walking like that.
[laughs]
[cackles]
Please stop interrupting the whales.
- [whale moaning]
- [both snickering]
Oh! Oh, thank goodness!
We gotta shake these moods.
- This is bad.
- I know.
I'm consumed.
[both gasp]
- [grunts]
- Hey! I feel normal.
[grunting]
Agh!
[grunting]
- Come on.
- Sir?
Are you okay?
[unicorn] No!
- [both snicker]
- He's so mad.
Stop laughing! It's not funny!
My hands are wet.
Oh, I need a paper towel.
- Can't you see my hands are wet?
- [both laughing]
[Barry] He hates us!
[both inhale deeply and exhale]
Let's just separate.
[cell phone vibrates]
[Barry] I think it's working.
[Kiff] Yeah. Same.
We're going to take a water break.
I have these museum-safe-sized
cups of water for everyone.
[Barry] Are you seeing these cups?
[Kiff] They've got us.
We're doomed.
[slurps]
[all slurping]
I'm not thirsty.
But you're sweating
in a climate-controlled museum.
Here. I insist.
[Kiff] At least I can't see Barry.
[slurping]
[Barry] At least I can't see Kiff.
[slurping]
[both snort]
- Oi!
- [both cackle]
Cut out the snorts.
This next room is a very special,
spiritual place.
You know what? Maybe this is a good thing.
We obviously need
a spiritual intervention.
This silly mood is bigger
than either of us.
[doors creaking open]
[angelic vocalizing]
[whispering] Everything makes sense.
Are these people serious?
They are, and we need to be, too, Barry.
I can't.
Kiff, I can't.
[both laughing]
Security!
If they laugh one more time,
you know what to do.
[clock ticking]
I'm so sorry, Kiff.
Don't feel bad. It was both of us.
[Barry] The ponytail left me no choice.
Huh?
Mm! No.
[Barry] Kiff, look at me.
Look at me.
[groans] I can't.
[Barry in British accent] You must!
I'm an ambassador.
Please-- Please, Barry.
[Barry] Why resist?
We're never getting that picture.
And who needs it?
I can show you what I look like
old right now!
[both cackling]
[in normal accent] Look at--
I don't know why I said
I didn't need that picture.
I'm nothing without that picture.
What am I gonna do, not daydream?
It's a long shot,
but maybe one of the guards
is susceptible to a silly mood.
Go on.
If we can get a guard in a silly mood,
they'll quit guarding and let us back in.
I love it.
[funky music playing]
[Kiff] Nope. No way.
[Barry] Ew. No.
Bingo.
[in British accent] She needs water.
[slurps]
[snorts]
[all] She has water!
[in normal accent] Can we be
let back into the museum?
I don't see why not.
[both giggling]
[laughter slowing]
[both clear throat]
Hey, what happened to our silly moods?
- I don't know.
- Huh.
Well, if they come back
and we get kicked out,
we can just get right back in.
Yeah. Not to mention we're
almost at the picture anyway.
Right.
Mine are, like, gone-gone.
Same.
[camera shutters click]
Next.
[camera shutters click]
So when you don't
have to hide a silly mood,
they just leave you?
- That's kind of sad.
- Hmm.
Well, at least we have our pic.
Look at all our deep wrinkles.
[Barry] Even our hands.
This is high-tech.
Ha! Look at you two.
[giggles]
Can we get the last one projected?
[remote beeps]
[monitors beep]
[all laugh]
They're having trouble
with the hand dryer!
- Stop laughing!
- Come on. It's not that funny.
It's not funny.
Our hands are wet in the future!
- [cackling]
- Water all over them all day!
We need a paper towel!
The dryer's not cutting it, you monsters!
[bus rumbles]
[announcer] Brought to you
by TumTum GumGums. Yum.
Not a medical product.
[yawns]
Kiff, where's my leftover pizza slice?
I don't know. Ask Dad.
I didn't eat no slice, I don't think.
Kiff, get the wig.
Ah, jeez. Okay.
Did you say, "wig"? What's happening?
Barry, when two members of
our family have a disagreement
that can't be easily resolved,
the matter is taken to
Family Court.
It's a system we created
when Kiff was a toddler
and cut all of Martin's jeans into jorts.
The third Chatterley acts
as the judge and wears
This.
[laughs and snorts]
How did I not know
about Chatterley Family Court?
I want in. Beryl, I would be
honored to serve as your lawyer.
- Done.
- Yes.
It's one slice of pizza.
Do we even need to have Family Court?
- [all] Yes!
- Aren't we making too big a deal
- out of this?
- [all] No!
But Dad doesn't deserve
to be on trial for this.
Hey-o, think we just found
Martin's lawyer.
Now we just need a judge.
Oh, here's one?
My name is Judegy
And I'm a judge ♪
And that's a fact
On which I will not budge ♪
I'll come to your house
Or your place of work ♪
And I'll decide
On who's being the jerk ♪
- My name is Judegy ♪
- Need someone to judge you ♪
- My name is Judegy ♪
- Need a legal breakthrough ♪
There's a dance I'd like to show you ♪
And it's easy to do ♪
Anyone can do it, even you ♪
You take your hand
Or your paw ♪
- Or even your hoof ♪
- Yeah ♪
Bring it down hard ♪
[both] It's the gavel groove ♪
- [Judegy] Do it ♪
- [assistant] You should do it ♪
[Judegy] Do the gavel groove, yeah ♪
Do it with me ♪
Gavel groove ♪
Bring it down ♪
Yeah, gavel it ♪
Do you swear
To tell the truth? ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪
Objection overruled ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪
Call me ♪
Call me on 555-01-JUDEGY.
That's 555-01-JUDEGEY.
- [air horns blow]
- [Judegy] Call me.
555-01-JUDEGY.
Gavel groove ♪
[Judegy] Call me.
- [all gasp]
- What? How did you--
Court is now in session.
I will now hear the lawyers'
opening statements.
Oh, uh, okay.
I mean, like, this case is no big deal.
He says he didn't do it, so, you know
That it? Ha! Prosecution?
Is he wearing suspenders?
[dramatic music playing]
Pizza receipt signed by Martin.
An "I wanna eatza all the pizza" T-shirt
owned by Martin.
The empty trash cans
placed out front at 6:00 a.m.
this morning by Martin,
proving he was the first
Chatterley awake this morning.
My friends,
this is not a slice of evidence.
This is the whole ding-dang pie.
We are asking that Martin
receive a one-month pizza ban.
[gasps]
Judge, may I request a recess?
[dramatic music playing]
[Kiff, sighing] It was you, Kiff.
You ate the slice.
You ate it all, of course.
Now just take the crust downstairs,
and confess,
and it'll all be over.
[gulps] Huh. Okay.
Guess I'm doubling down.
I can do this.
All I have to do is win Dad's case,
and everybody will forget about it.
What's the harm?
- [stomach rumbles]
- Hush.
Now the real work begins.
[clears throat]
Can anyone in the court
identify this object?
What are you doing with my helmet?
Beryl's helmet, hmm.
I wonder if Beryl wouldn't mind
telling the court what this helmet is for.
I sleepwalk.
Usually I just walk around.
Other times, I
[inhales and sighs] sleep-compete
in back-alley Rollerblading competitions.
I wear a helmet to bed, just in case.
Correct! Beryl sleepwalks.
And if she's capable of sleepwalking
and sleep-blading,
who's to say she's not capable
of sleep pizza-eating?
What if Beryl herself
ate the slice last night
while dreaming about,
say, eating a triangle?
- Oh, come on!
- Objection, Your Honor.
My client is not on trial.
Are there any funny videos
of the Rollerblading?
[objects crashing]
I call Grandma Rose to the stand.
My little gumdrop Marty
is the perfect son.
I don't exactly know
what a pizza crime is,
but he's never done anything wrong, ever.
Just look at that little face.
Well, can't argue with that.
Your witness, Barry.
So Grandpa Tom ordered you
a 50-inch brambleberry pie
for your last birthday.
You had a bite, then got pulled
away to judge the limbo contest.
Do you remember what happened
to the rest of the pie?
Huh!
Now that you mention it
Marty polished off the whole thing.
He does eat people's leftovers.
I raised a grubby slice thief!
Throw the book at him, Judge!
[stomach rumbles]
Want a TumTum GumGum, champ?
Next witness.
I was working the phone
last night at Daryl H. Pizza
when Mr. C called in.
Now, after I take orders,
I usually like to banter a little bit,
so I asked if it was pizza night
for the whole family.
Then he
Go on, darling. He can't hurt you here.
He said, "They'll get a slice
if they're lucky."
And he cackled.
Oh, I see.
Now, this is a lot to ask,
but could you do an impression
of that cackle?
[evil cackle]
- I was joking! Joking!
- [gavel bangs]
You all know me.
I'm named after a hairstyle.
I've got an airtight alibi
that will totally clear
my guy Martin's name.
I move that this witness
be removed from the courtroom
and his testimony
stricken from the record!
- Done.
- [gavel bangs]
Dad, no! Without him, we've got nothing!
I don't like that guy.
Isn't it true, Martin,
that you once ate fudge out of the trash?
- [gavel bangs]
- Sometimes cold pizza
tastes even better.
- Am I wrong?
- [gavel bangs]
- I never touched that cannoli!
- [gavel bangs]
I've actually been thinking
about getting highlights.
The world is watching, Judge Judegy.
If we let them come for our
pizza slices, what's next?
They gonna come for our freedom!
Case closed!
[gavel bangs]
[pen clicking]
Okay, I think we've heard plenty.
I'm ready to wrap this thing up.
Wait! I--
I need a five-minute recess
to speak with the prosecution.
All right, but make it quick.
Barry, look, off the record.
I know my dad is innocent.
He can't go down for this. It's not right.
Oh, Kiff, lawyer to lawyer,
you should know we're no longer going
for a month-long pizza ban.
Beryl and I think we can get
a lifetime sentence.
[ominous music playing]
You want to give my dad
a lifetime ban on pizza?
Barry, that's so cruel and unusual.
Your best option at this point
is to get your client to plead guilty.
Maybe Judegy will go
a little easier on him.
Unless there's something else?
Some key information
you've been holding on to
that could clear his name, hmm?
[stomach rumbles]
- No.
- [toilet flushes]
[sighs]
Dad, there's a way out of this whole mess.
What is it?
- You should plead guilty.
- What? Why?
It'll make the judge go easy on you.
We need to avoid
a harsh sentence at this point.
Then this will all be over,
and it'll be like no one
ever ate Mom's slice to begin with.
But Kiff, I-I didn't do it.
I'm thinking of what's best for you, Dad.
It'll all be over soon.
Okay. I trust you, Kiff.
[clears throat]
My client Martin
has decided to plead guilty.
- [all gasp]
- Dang.
[indistinct chattering]
Where did I go wrong?
I bet you thought I'd go easy on you
if you confessed, huh?
Well, I won't.
You're gonna get it, boy-o.
[all] Don't go easy on him!
Put the ban that's cheesy on him!
I sentence Martin Chatterley
to a lifetime of no pizza.
And what the heck, no more popcorn either.
I'm feeling spicy.
[slow motion] No!
[dramatic music playing]
[sad violin music playing]
Stop!
[fly buzzing]
The person who deserves
a lifetime pizza ban
is me.
I ate Beryl's leftover slice.
And it was good, too.
But then when Mom asked me about it,
I realized what I'd done, and I panicked.
So I lied.
I'm so, so sorry.
I never meant for it to go this far.
So go ahead.
Do angry court murmuring about me now.
[Beryl] Finally.
But
We know you ate the slice, Kiff.
When I came over earlier,
you answered the door
with the slice in your hand.
And look, there's bits of pepperoni
still stuck in your fur.
We orchestrated this whole trial
to get you to confess.
We just really thought
you'd break way before this.
But Judge Judegy. Why would
a real judge take a whole day
to go along with this charade?
I'm not just a judge.
I'm also a person.
A weird person.
So this whole time, everybody knew?
Kiff ate the slice?
I'm so lost.
No one's getting
a lifetime pizza ban, hon.
We just wanted to get you
to tell the truth.
Really? So no punishment?
Because I learned my lesson so well?
Well, not no punishment.
You know, I built this pizza oven
using reclaimed brick that I rescued
from an abandoned brick farm upstate.
Those bricks gave so much to the world
Word to the wise, Kiff.
It's always easier to just tell the truth
from the beginning.
Yup, and your parents know all.
Don't I know it.
Case closed.
You know, I built this pizza
oven out of reclaimed--
[closing theme music playing]
[chirp]