M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e24 Episode Script

A cottage small is all I'm after Not one that's spacious and wide A house that rings with joy and laughter And the ones you love inside Some like the high road I like the low road Free from the care and strife Sounds corny and seedy but yes, indeedy Give me The simple life Hey, how about that! Weren't they wonderful? Hey, what do ya say out there? How about that? Huh? Let's hear it out there.
The lovely Miller Sisters.
See ya later, girls.
Go to my dressing room and lie down.
[ Laughing .]
They really are wonderful.
It's a lot of fun traveling with them.
Of course, they keep us in separate cages.
Not that I can't be trusted.
I happen to be married to a woman who's a terrific sport.
She even looks likeJoe DiMaggio.
[ Laughs .]
Joe DiMaggio, yeah.
She's so ugly that- Anybody out there, or have we been captured? But all kidding aside, I just wanna say to all you guys and nurses what a thrill it is to be here in Korea with ya.
I mean, we're all in this together, right? That guy's first.
Get this guy inside.
We'll treat his leg under local.
Give him a third of a grain of morphine.
- Now, hold on, Pierce.
A quarter of a grain's enough.
- A third.
- Stop! Are you going over my head? -Just through the hole in it.
- Go ahead.
- Now, you hold it.
And that's an order.
- Move! That's a threat.
- This happens to be a gold oak-leaf.
I thought it was a little big for dandruff.
Look, Frank, he's a big guy in severe pain.
He can handle a third of a grain.
If not, there's an anesthesiologist inside to support breathing.
- Go do what I said.
I'll take responsibility.
- Informed opinion says a quarter.
Informed opinion wasn't lying on a stretcher with a boot full of blood.
You've insulted me in the presence of others for the last time.
Don't forget your hat, Frank.
So this guy with laryngitis, he goes to the doctor's office, he walks in, he sees this beautiful nurse.
But I mean beautiful.
I mean, she's built like a brick hospital.
[ Laughs .]
Down, Charley.
So he walks in, the guy with laryngitis, he says, "Is the doctor in?" And the nurse winks and says, "No, come on in.
" [ Laughing .]
Yeah.
But really, though, I know how hard you medics and nurses really work.
I really do.
Although I wouldn't mind being paid for playing doctor.
I can tell you that.
- How am I doin'? - Not too good, Trapper.
His B.
P.
's low.
His pulse is rapid.
Give me another unit of blood.
I gotta go into his chest.
This could take a while.
I hope he doesn't have a late date.
Is it absolutely necessary to make bad jokes while you're operating? - Absolutely.
Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
I've found it invaluable to make bad jokes ever since I did my first autopsy when my colleagues put a kidney into my cap.
- Sponge.
- Sponge.
Okay, how am I doin' now? You're fine.
He's in trouble.
- Can I be of any help? - You could pray for me to become a better doctor in the next five minutes.
Excuse me, Father.
Why don't we do this more often Just what we're doin' tonight Gee, but it's great to get together again Why does it only happen now and then We ought to do this more often Don't you agree that I'm right We make each other laugh We make each other sing Why aren't you at the switchboard? - You asked me to come in- - They could phone about my wife at any minute.
You just spoke to the hospital.
She hasn't gone into labor yet.
Don't argue with me! It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't be there with her.
Yes, sir.
Well, at least you were there for the important part.
Just what we're doin' Tonight [ Applause .]
You know that ancient joke about the guy who saved his regiment? - Shoots the cook.
- No.
How's it go? - Uh, Kaplan, pass the salt.
- No.
- I beg your pardon? - You're looking at one dentist who's not touching anything that hasn't been checked by the bomb squad.
Have you been taking rides in your chair again, Kaplan? You know that makes you dizzy.
- Reach into my pocket.
- I hardly know you.
My shirt pocket.
Those are my travel orders.
I'm going home today.
No kidding.
You mind if I look at these for drooling purposes? You unfold it.
If I do it, I could get a paper cut.
I'm not having any last minute infections.
Aren't you stretching things a bit? I haven't even used the latrine in 18 hours.
Now, that's something I didn't have to know.
Put it in my pocket.
Can't be too careful.
A friend of mine got his orders, broke his leg the next day.
Got it tangled in a nurse at his farewell party.
You got a good point there, Kaplan.
Good luck.
Again This couldn't happen again This is that once in a lifetime This is the thrill divine You're not eating, Father.
- You know something I don't know? - Something's troubling me.
Think of me as your mother, Father.
- May I make a confession? - As long as you don't use any real names.
For some time now, I've been comparing the disparity of our callings.
Doctor versus priest.
You fellows are always able to see the end result of your work.
I mean, you know immediately if you've been successful.
For me, the results are far less tangible.
Sometimes- most of the time- I honestly don't know whether I'm doing any good or not.
I used to have a professor in med school who always said, "God cures the patients, but the doctor takes the fee.
" Do you think that's true? I'm able to do a lot of things in surgery that I'm not really good enough to do.
[ Sighs .]
Thanks, Hawkeye.
But never, never again Never again [ Applause .]
- Give me some suction.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Feels like someone used my eyeball for a tea bag.
- Nurse.
Trapper, you'd better not be much longer.
- Clamp? - Clamp.
Thanks.
Okay, come on.
Stay with us, will ya? Hello? Hello? Uh, Bloomington, Illinois? - Yes, General Hospital? - You got them? - I'm calling about Mrs.
Henry Blake.
- Uh, maternity.
Right.
She's pregnant.
You know, with a baby.
Yeah.
Okay.
They're ringing her room.
Can you imagine? Can you imagine? - I am becoming a father for the third time.
- Oh, yes, sir! - Yes, sir, is right.
- They know what causes that now.
- What are they doing? - Hello, yes? I'm still holding, operator.
Why am I so nervous? Gosh sakes, she's got the best obstetrician in town.
Marv Handleman.
He could deliver a baby with his eyes shut.
That's the only way I'd do it, sir.
Yes.
What? Are you sure? Uh, sir? She's not there anymore.
- What do you mean she's not there anymore? - We'll get right back to you.
- I just- - It's all right.
They sent her home.
She had a false labor.
- She had a what? - A false labor.
- Radar.
- Steady, sir.
- I'm not gonna make it.
- Steady, sir.
Just sit.
Okay.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Would you believe that I've got a craving for dill pickles? That's the last of the shrapnel.
- Better close him fast.
- Gimme some 3-0 silk.
Right here.
I've lost the pulse.
I'm gonna massage the heart.
Get some adrenaline ready.
[ Breathing Unevenly .]
Hang on, damn it.
- Still no pulse.
- Adrenaline! Let's go.
Let's go! It's going again.
But it's irregular.
Oh- [ Mutters .]
[ Yelps .]
Yes, operator, go ahead.
I can hear you.
Seven pounds, two ounces.
Twenty-one inches? - What's seven pounds, two ounces? - Your son, sir.
My son? My wife's had a boy? Well, it isn't a girl son, sir.
Your wife is doing just fine.
It's the hospital.
The hospital.
Uh, listen.
Tell Mildred- Mrs.
Blake- that her husband, Henry, loves her very much, and that- - She didn't hear your name.
- What? Henry! "H" as in- Never mind.
She knows my name.
Just tell her that I love her and that I'll call her and that all my labor pains have stopped.
Bye.
Congratulations, sir.
Thanks, Radar.
A son.
A boy.
[ Laughing .]
Oh! So this woman gets up real close to the guy in the sailor suit, and she says, "And so what kind of a doctor are you?" Guy says, "Me? I'm a naval doctor.
" She says, "Boy, when you specialize, you really specialize.
" - [ Laughter.]
- Oh! So it's that kind of a crowd.
You really go for the sophisticated stuff, huh? I had the craziest dream Last night Yes, I did I never dreamt it could be Yet there you were In love with me I found your lips close to mine So I kissed you And you didn't mind it at all Not at all You've never had any children, have you? Being single, it never seemed a wise move.
It's too bad.
It's a great feeling.
Why do you sound like a hit-and-run victim? Me? [ Sighs .]
- I couldn't be happier.
- Aw, come on, Henry.
There's no disgrace in admitting you're depressed because you can't be with your new baby.
- Yeah? - Yeah, inasmuch as no umbilical cord reaches 20,000 miles.
Here's to your new son, Henry.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But let's hope I meet him before he gets drafted and sent over here.
Say it and make my craziest dream Come true Let's hear it for the girls! What do ya say? How about this band? They're gonna do a little number for you.
But first I gotta tell you about Charley the drummer.
Charley served in World War II.
You remember World War II? It was in all the papers.
[ Laughing .]
What'd he say? Uh, I didn't really hear.
One day Charley finds himself in a field hospital with a sheet over his head.
He pulls the sheet down, and he sees himself being wheeled away on a stretcher.
So he turns to the orderly, and he says, "Where are we going?" The orderly says, "To be buried.
" He says, "But I'm not dead!" The orderly says, "Shut up.
You wanna make a fool out of the doctor?" It doesn't look good, Trapper.
- You did your best.
- Too bad it was so lousy.
Hey, what's goin' on? There's a rumor you three eloped.
I started out to be an architect.
Couldn't handle the math.
Why don't you get some rest? Over here, Father.
We need some cross action.
The blood pressure is still low, but it's better.
Hang another unit of blood.
What was that about not being sure you did any good? It's not supposed to work that way, you know.
Now go hit the sack, or I'll report you to the doctors and the architects.
I'll take care of him.
Come on.
You know something? Those two could wind up- Yes? rolling Easter eggs.
[ Band:Swing .]
Captain Kaplan? Pile in, sir.
Move over.
Do you think I'm putting my life in your hands? - What are you, 19? - Eighteen, sir.
My feet have corns older than you are.
- What is that, a disinfectant? - Who knows where this kid's hands have been? - Good-bye, Doctor.
- Please, Nurse, no offense.
I'm a dentist.
I know.
The mouth is a playground for germs.
If the tongue weren't attached, it would jump out in a minute.
- Is it possible to bless a jeep, Father? - Consider it done.
Sir, we better get going.
You have a plane to catch.
Don't remind me.
Even as we're talking, the propeller's getting older.
Well, good-bye, everybody.
- Lucky man.
- Certainly is.
[Jeep Horn Beeps .]
[ Crash .]
[ Beeping Continuously .]
I knew it.
Did I know it? Did I know? Did I say it? I said it from the very beginning.
Jinxed! Anybody can step on the gas instead of the brake.
- How's the driver? - The kid's okay.
Figures! I'm going home.
I'm in pieces.
He's staying here.
He didn't bust a pimple.
You know how I'm getting home when the time comes? I'm walking.
Look- [ Laughing .]
You're not leaving me alone? Would you like a surprise, sir? Yes.
I'd like to be stolen by gypsies and taken to their camp in Bloomington, Illinois.
- Close your eyes.
- Radar, this is not a good day for playing games.
Please? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Now, no peeking, now.
Yeah.
- Well? - Just a minute.
- Oh, boy.
- I'm coming.
Mm-hmm.
- Can I open my eyes yet? - Not yet.
Hold out your hands.
Okay.
Open 'em.
Oh.
Oh, don't cry.
Radar, where did this baby come from? - Not in any kind of, uh, trouble, are you, kid? - Oh, no, sir.
Uh, his mother works in the camp laundry.
[ Baby Cries .]
I just thought since you couldn't get to see your own son- He's a- He's a beautiful boy.
[ Speaking Korean .]
Can she speak English, Radar? Uh, no, sir.
But it's nice you could smile in Korean.
Aw.
Well, I guess we'd better get back to work.
Yes, sir.
[ Crying .]
Sir? In a minute.
You make me feel so young You make me feel there are songs to be sung Bells to be rung and a wonderful fling to be flung And even when I'm old and gray I'm gonna feel the way I feel today 'Cause you make me feel so You make me feel so You make me feel so - Young - So young [ Cheering .]
Wait a second.
[ Band On P.
A.
Playing "Stars And Stripes Forever".]
[ Wolf Whistle .]
[ Laughter, Cheering .]
It's really been both a ball, an honor and a privilege meeting with you like this.
But I can see it's time to go, because they're winding up the rubber band on the airplane.
So on behalf of the Miller Sisters, let's hear it! Charley Keller and his Claire-de-Lunatics.
And me.
Yes, sirree.
In person,Jackie Flash, saying that we'll be back to see you again real soon.
Same time, same place, same war! So long now, and God bless ya.
Let's hear it out there.