Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e24 Episode Script
It's a Wonderful Mork
Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! ( trumpet plays off-key ) Stop it! Stop! Mork, your lesson is officially over.
Oh, really, Mrs.
Hudson? I want to get to the part where I get to go ( imitates Louis Armstrong ): "Oh, yeah!" Hi.
Why, what's the matter, dear? Oh, I've been having a hard time finding a part-time job that goes along with my journalism major, so I've been pounding the pavement all morning.
Oh, you shouldn't do that.
You might wake up the Chinese.
With the war going the way it is, they need a lot of sleep.
Anyway, I've been to newspapers and ad agencies and publishing companies, and they all say that I'm either too young or I don't have enough experience.
And one place wouldn't give me a job because they said I was a woman.
Well, next time, don't tell them.
Well, dear, I'm sure there's a businessman somewhere who would be glad to get hold of a young, eager woman.
Oh, there's plenty of those.
Except my major's journalism, not fooling around.
Oh, come on, Mindy.
Fooling around can be fun.
Watch.
( squealing and grunting ) Mork Come on, this is important to me! Oh.
Boy, I've really blown it again.
Now I've got a right to play the blues.
( plays note ) Excuse me, sir.
Ma'am? I'm looking for someone to give music lessons to my son.
Oh, you came to the right place.
That woman over there taught me everything I know.
( plays screeching notes ) No! ( plays tunelessly ) Mork! Mork, please, I make my living from teaching music.
Oh, right now I feel like a light bulb in the Buckingham Palace.
What? A royal screw-up.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Hudson.
Well, sorry doesn't pay the rent.
Uh Mindy? Hmm? Why is this job so important to you? Well, journalism courses are one thing, but I'd like to get out in the real world and write something good you know, something that will really excite people.
Why not try "For a good time, call Mindy.
" ( laughs ) Oh, hi, honey.
You're looking very pretty today.
Prettier than ever.
Good to see you, Mork.
Love your suspenders.
I'd give them to you, Pop, except my voice would ( in deep voice ): change.
( laughs ) Well, you certainly are in a good mood today.
Who was that on the phone? I've met the kind of woman every man dreams about.
She's sophisticated, yet young at heart.
She's independent, yet vulnerable.
And she has a certain je ne sais quoi.
Qu'est-ce que c'est, "Je ne sais quoi?" A figure that would stop a truck.
Oh.
Fat city, huh? Well, I've never heard you talk like this.
You sound like you're really smitten.
Sounds like he's beyond smitten and into smut.
Mork, cool it! No, that's all right.
When I'm feeling this good, he can say anything he wants to.
Oh, thanks, skinhead.
I've, um I've bought Margaret a little present.
Take a look.
I've got it right here.
I hope she likes it.
Now what do you think? Wow! One for each day of the week.
How come there are only six of them? Sundays we rest! Oh, I read you, Pop.
Oh-ho! Yada, yada, yada, yada.
Hey, Dad, tell you what.
Why don't you invite Margaret to dinner at my house tomorrow night? If she's not that busy Too busy? For the man she calls "Ol' Tiger Lips"? Listen, when I go like this, she jumps! Well, I can't wait to meet the woman who finds you so fascinating.
Oh, actually, she's the one who's fascinating.
She was just appointed editor of Rocky Mountain Illustrated.
No kidding? She's an editor? Yeah.
Listen, I'll make a great roast beef and spell my resume out in niblets.
Yeah, and I'll provide the dinner music.
Watch.
( plays high, off-key notes ) Why don't we have our coffee in the living room? Uh more vino, Margaret? Oh, thank you, Fred.
Ahh Here let me help you up.
Mork, do you want some coffee? No, thank you, ma'am.
Mork, you've been awfully quiet tonight.
Yes, sir, with all due respect.
You certainly have nice manners.
Oh, thank you, ma'am, but I was told if I didn't, I'd be blowing succotash out my nose.
He's such a kidder.
So, Margaret, I'm really excited about your offer.
I can't tell you how hard I've been looking for a job.
Well, I always try to encourage young writers, and I'd especially like to help you.
You're exactly like your father described you.
Well, thank you.
MORK: That's funny.
You're not at all like he described you.
I was expecting a big brake pedal.
What? Well, he said you had a figure that could stop a truck.
( chuckles ) Why thank you, Fred.
Oh, I think what Mork is trying to say is that my father finds you very attractive.
Yes, yes, that's it.
I guess you're the only one that can do it.
Do what? Well, he says whenever he does this, you jump.
Come on, you can do it.
Up, up.
Let's go.
Through the hoop.
There we go.
Come on.
Mork! ( whistles ) Mork! Oh, I guess your thighs are tired.
You'd better give those little suckers a rest, then.
Well Margaret, I-I just really want to thank you again for inviting me by your office tomorrow.
MORK: It's nice of you to give Mindy a job even though she's a woman.
Well, what's wrong with being a woman? Mindy says it's hard for a woman to get a job unless she fools around.
Well, it so happens, Mindy, that some of us are quite successful solely because of our ability.
That's right.
I mean, who would want to fool around with Margaret? Oh, really? Oh, I mean I mean That's not what I meant.
Sometimes things uh come out the way I didn't mean them.
Well, you're doing awfully good for a man with tiger lips.
Tiger lips? You told them? I suppose you told them about "Let's Play Circus," too? And "Bambi Bottom"! Ooh, soft, whoa.
I think I've heard enough.
I'm leaving.
Uh, Margaret! Margaret! And about that interview, Mindy sorry, we're only hiring men.
FRED: N-N-No, wait! Wait! Bambi! Cute couple.
Anything I can do to help? Help?! Haven't you done enough already? In one night, you have ruined my father's life, and you've ruined my life.
Boy, Mork, sometimes I just wish you'd mind your own business! ( door slams ) Mork calling Orson Come in, Orson Mork calling Orson Come in, Orson Mork calling Orson Come in, Orson You're lucky to catch me in, Mork.
You're calling at the wrong time.
That figures, sir.
I can't seem to do anything right recently.
That's why I want to come home, Orson.
Why? I thought you like it down there.
No, sir, I don't seem to fit in very well.
It seems that no matter how hard I try, I keep lousing up the lives of the people I care for.
I've got to come home, sir.
I'm-I'm pig slop.
I want you to stay there and keep sending back those reports about Earth behavior.
It's no use, sir.
I've goofed up the entire year I've been here, and I want to leave before I cause serious damage to someone's life.
I'm-I'm worm sweat.
I think you're being a little hard on yourself, Mork.
Oh, not at all, sir.
It's just that I'm bean dip, and I've got to come home.
Well, perhaps.
But let's make sure.
If you don't mind submitting yourself to the Plasmic Essence Reversifier.
Oh, that sounds wonderful, sir.
I'd love it! What is it? A newly developed process which will enable you to see what paths your friends would have taken the past year, had you not come into their lives.
I know what that'd be.
They'd be better off without me.
Why don't you see for yourself? You will merely be an observer unable to be seen or heard.
When I activate the Reversifier, the entire year of your experiences on Earth will be erased.
All right, sir.
I'm ready.
Rub me out.
I'm putting you on rewind.
( mumbling backwards ) ( echoing voice ): Whoa, talk about your reruns.
Mindy! Mindy! It's me.
Mork! Oh-ho! Mindy, Mindy Mindy! It's Morko, the pinheaded boy.
Ha-ha! I'm home.
( honking bark ) ( whistles ) Fun's fun, joke's over.
Okay.
( imitates humming whoosh ) Guess Orson's right.
She can't see me or hear me.
Maybe she can feel me.
I'll give her a tickle.
She always used to love that.
Ooh, I guess I'm not here, so she can't even feel me.
It's too bad, she was always a great tickle.
Whoa, Frederick's had a sale.
Hi, honey.
Well, I'm home.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, a ring! Oh, no.
Mindy's married.
I guess I was right.
Mindy'd be awfully happy without me here.
Get me a beer, will you? Sure, honey.
I'm really anxious to hear about your big day.
Yeah, me, too.
Who is that, Mindy? Oh, I remember.
That was your blind date.
He came over and I was going to stick around with you so he wouldn't bump into things.
He never saw you again.
( honking bark ) I guess old Mork the home wrecker would have prevented you from getting married.
Here you go.
Now tell me everything.
I want to hear all about it.
Look, I need a little time to unwind, huh? Oh, sure.
I'll help.
Oh.
I guess there's no need for this Orkan around here anymore.
I'm going miss you, Mind.
I'd give you a hug but I can't.
Take care.
If you ever need me, just whistle.
Hello.
Well, I might as well tell you.
You're going to find out anyway.
I was fired.
Well, what happened this time? Oh, a thorn in the bed of roses.
Well, it wasn't my fault.
You see, I owed Red, my bookie, a couple of bucks, so he repossessed the company car.
My boss resented it.
Cliff, you promised that you were going to try and quit gambling.
So what's the big deal? You've got two jobs.
Two jobs? Oh, that's wonderful, Mindy.
You're pursuing your writing career.
That's fantastic.
Oh, that's another reason why you don't need me around.
Ciao.
Do you think that I like being a salesgirl and a cocktail waitress? Wiping fingerprints off of a counter during the day and off of this at night? When do you have time to write? And then all my money goes to pay off your gambling debts.
You know, we could have had a house by now.
Buzz off, huh? Do you know what you are? I'll tell him.
You're You're a toad tush! You're scuttle butt! You're whale whiz! Come on, come on, come on.
What? Forget it.
Oh, come on, Mindy, use your imagination.
At least call him moose mush.
I've had enough.
Yeah, I've had enough of you, too, mildew mouth.
Come on out here! Cliff.
Come on out here, clown! I'll zap you! Oh, Mindy, this wouldn't happen if I was around.
Boy, I'd nail him.
I'd stick my finger down his throat and weld his tonsils together.
If he tried to give you any lip, it'd sound like ( garbled noises ).
CLIFF: Can you get down off that bed and stop playing with that stupid ball of yarn! Look at the good side, at least you have a pet.
CORA: I'm going.
I'm going.
Oh, Mrs.
Hudson's your pet? She's cute, and she can't kill birds.
That's wonderful.
Are you all right, Grandma? Oh, yes, dear.
I was just sitting there knitting like I always do.
I'm knitting a new shawl for Iran.
( Cliff screams in pain ) Oh, that's where I left that other needle.
( knocking at door ) I'll get that.
Hello! Daddy! When did you get back in town? Tonight.
Oh, sweetheart.
Freddy! Oh, Cora.
Oh, Freddy.
I can't believe you changed this much in eight months! Whoa! Everyone run for your lives! It's the invasion of the scalp snatchers! Hide your noses, everyone.
Hide your noses.
So, how was Europe? C'est magnifique.
Oh.
And where's my favorite son-in-law, Cliff, huh? Don't ask.
Uh, he's probably taking a nap or something.
Oh, I understand.
He probably worked hard all day.
You're in for a big surprise.
( snores ) Honey, I was so happy when you got married.
Well, it looks like even you can be happy without my being here.
You have a wonderful husband, and Cora has a home where she's welcome and loved, and I could finally sell the house and the store and get out and see the world and grab for some gusto.
I decided it was time to catch up on the life of a single man.
So I flew to the Continent, and I met Veronica.
( whistles ) Veronica? Uh-huh.
A former Miss Teenage Bulgaria.
Ah, she was the kind of woman every man dreams of.
She had a certain je ne sais quoi.
I can translate for you.
( guttural ): "I like you.
" The times we spent together, dancing till dawn ( guitar playing ) champagne suppers on the strand, ( popping sound ) and sailing into the sunset.
( beeping ) Dive! Dive! Dive! ( honking bark ) Mindy, where's dinner? Oh, the plot clots.
Cliff! Son, how are you? Oh, look who's back.
You going to live here, too? I used to, but now things have Look, if you don't have dinner ready, I'm going to Red's place.
Give me some money.
No, don't, Mind No, Cliff, you're just going to gamble it away anyway, and right now we need every penny we can get.
I'll get it myself.
Where's your wallet? No, no, wait.
Keep away from that.
Don't do No, keep your hands off her tips! Stop thief! Stop! Good-bye, Cliff.
Hope you fall off your name.
I had no idea.
Oh, today's one of his good days.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I should go and talk to him.
Oh, no, Pops, don't do that.
You don't want footprints on your new rug again, do you? Where is this Red's place? Oh, it's a bookie joint.
You can't miss it.
It used to be the music store.
Things sure have changed.
It's too bad.
Can I do anything to help you, dear? No, thanks, Grandma.
I'd just like to be alone for awhile.
Well, if you have someone nearby, dear, who loves you, you'll never be alone.
Oh, what a McKuen-like thing to say, Grandma.
I'll go booby- trap the bed.
Now let's see.
Cliff sleeps on the right side, yes.
( crying ) Oh, don't cry.
I don't want to see your eyes leaking.
Don't cry, it's not the end of the world.
That comes in the year 2118 when the giant bees come.
And Regis Philbin is elected President of the United States.
Oh, Mindy, come on.
I got a joke.
Here's something to cheer you up.
Knock, knock.
Oh, bad choice, huh? Wait, Mind.
Come on, don't be sad.
Hey, listen, here's a joke.
What do you get when you cross a German Shepherd and a giraffe? A watchdog for the eighth floor.
All right, here's another one, okay.
Why did Einstein throw his brother's clock out the window? He wanted to see relative time.
( honking bark ) Come on, Mind, they laugh at this on Mercury, and they don't even have mouths.
Oh, Mindy.
Wait, look.
Look at this.
A little Martian yarmulke.
( speaks gibberish ) Oh, look.
Look.
Mick Jagger.
Talk about your midnight rambler.
( crying ) Oh, Mind, hey, don't cry.
Listen, you wouldn't be crying if I was here.
Come on.
There's no reason to cry.
Here's your wallet.
Oh, thanks, Pop.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, honey.
Oh, Dad.
Honey, honey, take it easy.
Come on, let's go sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk.
Oh, sweetheart I have a confession to make.
I'm alone, too.
Veronica lasted just as long as my money, which wasn't very long.
Well, you still have me.
Me, too.
Well I guess I won't be needing this anymore.
Or the lies that went with it.
I can't understand it.
Cliff seemed to have so much promise.
Oh, he did till he started gambling, and it just sort of took over his life.
And now he's he's willing to gamble on anything but us.
You know, I'd always hoped you'd meet someone who was mature responsible, independent.
( fife playing ) Yet somebody who was, mm, easygoing.
Oh, say, what's happening, man? What's happening? Carefree.
Oh.
Lah.
And somebody who was full of life.
The most important thing to me is somebody who can make me laugh.
Oh, Mindy, I used to be able to make you laugh.
Hey, remember.
( makes musical sounds ) You know what I'd like to do? Let's go for a walk the way we used to.
I'd like that.
Yeah, me, too.
Let's all go.
( thunder rumbling ) Oh, honey, look.
It's starting to rain.
That's okay.
I like walking in the rain.
That way nobody can tell if you're crying.
( thunder rumbles ) I can ( sniffles ) ( sustained tone ) Orson, I've seen enough.
I don't want her to end up like this.
Please, bring me back to now.
Mork, I have to talk to you.
You have to talk to me? Really? You can see me? Whoa, it's a wonderful life! Mork Ha-ha! She touched me.
Yazoo yazoo! Mork, I want to apologize for snapping at you a minute ago.
Oh, no, you can be mean and nasty any time you want.
Oh, no, I can't.
Yes, you can, you can, you can, you can, you can, can, can, can.
You see you have to be patient with me.
I was upset because I thought I'd lost a job.
But I'd rather lose a hundred jobs than a friend like you.
Oh, listen, I'm new at this, and I've got a lot to learn, but if anyone's going to mess up your life, I hope for your sake, it's me.
( laughs softly ) Oh.
Ha, ha, ha, har, ar.
Oh.
Oh, that reminds me of a joke.
What do you get when you cross a German Shepherd and a giraffe? A watchdog for the eighth floor.
How did you know that? I'm not sure.
( hums Twilight Zone theme ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson Come in, Your Fattitude Yow, baby, get down ( scatting ) I'll be with you in a moment, Mork.
There's a caller on another brain cell.
I'll hold.
Yes, what is it? Sorry, there's no one named Juanita here.
Juanita no en la casa.
Good-bye.
I'd love to know who had this brain before me.
Sounds like Ricardo Montalban.
Sir, you'll never guess what I learned.
You'll never guess.
Go on, take one guess.
Too late! Okay, I'll tell you.
I learned that I'm okay.
I'm not as bad as I thought I was.
That's a lesson one can only learn from the School of Oneself.
Wow, what a Werner-like thing to say.
But you know something, Orson? I'd like to thank you for letting me see what Mindy's life would be like without me.
But please, I never want to see what my life would be like without her.
You know, Mork, I think you're beginning to grow.
Well, sir, I don't know how much value I have in this universe, but I do know that I made a few people happier than they would've been without me, and as long as I know that, I'm as rich as I ever need to be.
So I'll catch you on the rebound, Your Magnitude.
Until next week.
Nanu, nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! ( trumpet plays off-key ) Stop it! Stop! Mork, your lesson is officially over.
Oh, really, Mrs.
Hudson? I want to get to the part where I get to go ( imitates Louis Armstrong ): "Oh, yeah!" Hi.
Why, what's the matter, dear? Oh, I've been having a hard time finding a part-time job that goes along with my journalism major, so I've been pounding the pavement all morning.
Oh, you shouldn't do that.
You might wake up the Chinese.
With the war going the way it is, they need a lot of sleep.
Anyway, I've been to newspapers and ad agencies and publishing companies, and they all say that I'm either too young or I don't have enough experience.
And one place wouldn't give me a job because they said I was a woman.
Well, next time, don't tell them.
Well, dear, I'm sure there's a businessman somewhere who would be glad to get hold of a young, eager woman.
Oh, there's plenty of those.
Except my major's journalism, not fooling around.
Oh, come on, Mindy.
Fooling around can be fun.
Watch.
( squealing and grunting ) Mork Come on, this is important to me! Oh.
Boy, I've really blown it again.
Now I've got a right to play the blues.
( plays note ) Excuse me, sir.
Ma'am? I'm looking for someone to give music lessons to my son.
Oh, you came to the right place.
That woman over there taught me everything I know.
( plays screeching notes ) No! ( plays tunelessly ) Mork! Mork, please, I make my living from teaching music.
Oh, right now I feel like a light bulb in the Buckingham Palace.
What? A royal screw-up.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Hudson.
Well, sorry doesn't pay the rent.
Uh Mindy? Hmm? Why is this job so important to you? Well, journalism courses are one thing, but I'd like to get out in the real world and write something good you know, something that will really excite people.
Why not try "For a good time, call Mindy.
" ( laughs ) Oh, hi, honey.
You're looking very pretty today.
Prettier than ever.
Good to see you, Mork.
Love your suspenders.
I'd give them to you, Pop, except my voice would ( in deep voice ): change.
( laughs ) Well, you certainly are in a good mood today.
Who was that on the phone? I've met the kind of woman every man dreams about.
She's sophisticated, yet young at heart.
She's independent, yet vulnerable.
And she has a certain je ne sais quoi.
Qu'est-ce que c'est, "Je ne sais quoi?" A figure that would stop a truck.
Oh.
Fat city, huh? Well, I've never heard you talk like this.
You sound like you're really smitten.
Sounds like he's beyond smitten and into smut.
Mork, cool it! No, that's all right.
When I'm feeling this good, he can say anything he wants to.
Oh, thanks, skinhead.
I've, um I've bought Margaret a little present.
Take a look.
I've got it right here.
I hope she likes it.
Now what do you think? Wow! One for each day of the week.
How come there are only six of them? Sundays we rest! Oh, I read you, Pop.
Oh-ho! Yada, yada, yada, yada.
Hey, Dad, tell you what.
Why don't you invite Margaret to dinner at my house tomorrow night? If she's not that busy Too busy? For the man she calls "Ol' Tiger Lips"? Listen, when I go like this, she jumps! Well, I can't wait to meet the woman who finds you so fascinating.
Oh, actually, she's the one who's fascinating.
She was just appointed editor of Rocky Mountain Illustrated.
No kidding? She's an editor? Yeah.
Listen, I'll make a great roast beef and spell my resume out in niblets.
Yeah, and I'll provide the dinner music.
Watch.
( plays high, off-key notes ) Why don't we have our coffee in the living room? Uh more vino, Margaret? Oh, thank you, Fred.
Ahh Here let me help you up.
Mork, do you want some coffee? No, thank you, ma'am.
Mork, you've been awfully quiet tonight.
Yes, sir, with all due respect.
You certainly have nice manners.
Oh, thank you, ma'am, but I was told if I didn't, I'd be blowing succotash out my nose.
He's such a kidder.
So, Margaret, I'm really excited about your offer.
I can't tell you how hard I've been looking for a job.
Well, I always try to encourage young writers, and I'd especially like to help you.
You're exactly like your father described you.
Well, thank you.
MORK: That's funny.
You're not at all like he described you.
I was expecting a big brake pedal.
What? Well, he said you had a figure that could stop a truck.
( chuckles ) Why thank you, Fred.
Oh, I think what Mork is trying to say is that my father finds you very attractive.
Yes, yes, that's it.
I guess you're the only one that can do it.
Do what? Well, he says whenever he does this, you jump.
Come on, you can do it.
Up, up.
Let's go.
Through the hoop.
There we go.
Come on.
Mork! ( whistles ) Mork! Oh, I guess your thighs are tired.
You'd better give those little suckers a rest, then.
Well Margaret, I-I just really want to thank you again for inviting me by your office tomorrow.
MORK: It's nice of you to give Mindy a job even though she's a woman.
Well, what's wrong with being a woman? Mindy says it's hard for a woman to get a job unless she fools around.
Well, it so happens, Mindy, that some of us are quite successful solely because of our ability.
That's right.
I mean, who would want to fool around with Margaret? Oh, really? Oh, I mean I mean That's not what I meant.
Sometimes things uh come out the way I didn't mean them.
Well, you're doing awfully good for a man with tiger lips.
Tiger lips? You told them? I suppose you told them about "Let's Play Circus," too? And "Bambi Bottom"! Ooh, soft, whoa.
I think I've heard enough.
I'm leaving.
Uh, Margaret! Margaret! And about that interview, Mindy sorry, we're only hiring men.
FRED: N-N-No, wait! Wait! Bambi! Cute couple.
Anything I can do to help? Help?! Haven't you done enough already? In one night, you have ruined my father's life, and you've ruined my life.
Boy, Mork, sometimes I just wish you'd mind your own business! ( door slams ) Mork calling Orson Come in, Orson Mork calling Orson Come in, Orson Mork calling Orson Come in, Orson You're lucky to catch me in, Mork.
You're calling at the wrong time.
That figures, sir.
I can't seem to do anything right recently.
That's why I want to come home, Orson.
Why? I thought you like it down there.
No, sir, I don't seem to fit in very well.
It seems that no matter how hard I try, I keep lousing up the lives of the people I care for.
I've got to come home, sir.
I'm-I'm pig slop.
I want you to stay there and keep sending back those reports about Earth behavior.
It's no use, sir.
I've goofed up the entire year I've been here, and I want to leave before I cause serious damage to someone's life.
I'm-I'm worm sweat.
I think you're being a little hard on yourself, Mork.
Oh, not at all, sir.
It's just that I'm bean dip, and I've got to come home.
Well, perhaps.
But let's make sure.
If you don't mind submitting yourself to the Plasmic Essence Reversifier.
Oh, that sounds wonderful, sir.
I'd love it! What is it? A newly developed process which will enable you to see what paths your friends would have taken the past year, had you not come into their lives.
I know what that'd be.
They'd be better off without me.
Why don't you see for yourself? You will merely be an observer unable to be seen or heard.
When I activate the Reversifier, the entire year of your experiences on Earth will be erased.
All right, sir.
I'm ready.
Rub me out.
I'm putting you on rewind.
( mumbling backwards ) ( echoing voice ): Whoa, talk about your reruns.
Mindy! Mindy! It's me.
Mork! Oh-ho! Mindy, Mindy Mindy! It's Morko, the pinheaded boy.
Ha-ha! I'm home.
( honking bark ) ( whistles ) Fun's fun, joke's over.
Okay.
( imitates humming whoosh ) Guess Orson's right.
She can't see me or hear me.
Maybe she can feel me.
I'll give her a tickle.
She always used to love that.
Ooh, I guess I'm not here, so she can't even feel me.
It's too bad, she was always a great tickle.
Whoa, Frederick's had a sale.
Hi, honey.
Well, I'm home.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, a ring! Oh, no.
Mindy's married.
I guess I was right.
Mindy'd be awfully happy without me here.
Get me a beer, will you? Sure, honey.
I'm really anxious to hear about your big day.
Yeah, me, too.
Who is that, Mindy? Oh, I remember.
That was your blind date.
He came over and I was going to stick around with you so he wouldn't bump into things.
He never saw you again.
( honking bark ) I guess old Mork the home wrecker would have prevented you from getting married.
Here you go.
Now tell me everything.
I want to hear all about it.
Look, I need a little time to unwind, huh? Oh, sure.
I'll help.
Oh.
I guess there's no need for this Orkan around here anymore.
I'm going miss you, Mind.
I'd give you a hug but I can't.
Take care.
If you ever need me, just whistle.
Hello.
Well, I might as well tell you.
You're going to find out anyway.
I was fired.
Well, what happened this time? Oh, a thorn in the bed of roses.
Well, it wasn't my fault.
You see, I owed Red, my bookie, a couple of bucks, so he repossessed the company car.
My boss resented it.
Cliff, you promised that you were going to try and quit gambling.
So what's the big deal? You've got two jobs.
Two jobs? Oh, that's wonderful, Mindy.
You're pursuing your writing career.
That's fantastic.
Oh, that's another reason why you don't need me around.
Ciao.
Do you think that I like being a salesgirl and a cocktail waitress? Wiping fingerprints off of a counter during the day and off of this at night? When do you have time to write? And then all my money goes to pay off your gambling debts.
You know, we could have had a house by now.
Buzz off, huh? Do you know what you are? I'll tell him.
You're You're a toad tush! You're scuttle butt! You're whale whiz! Come on, come on, come on.
What? Forget it.
Oh, come on, Mindy, use your imagination.
At least call him moose mush.
I've had enough.
Yeah, I've had enough of you, too, mildew mouth.
Come on out here! Cliff.
Come on out here, clown! I'll zap you! Oh, Mindy, this wouldn't happen if I was around.
Boy, I'd nail him.
I'd stick my finger down his throat and weld his tonsils together.
If he tried to give you any lip, it'd sound like ( garbled noises ).
CLIFF: Can you get down off that bed and stop playing with that stupid ball of yarn! Look at the good side, at least you have a pet.
CORA: I'm going.
I'm going.
Oh, Mrs.
Hudson's your pet? She's cute, and she can't kill birds.
That's wonderful.
Are you all right, Grandma? Oh, yes, dear.
I was just sitting there knitting like I always do.
I'm knitting a new shawl for Iran.
( Cliff screams in pain ) Oh, that's where I left that other needle.
( knocking at door ) I'll get that.
Hello! Daddy! When did you get back in town? Tonight.
Oh, sweetheart.
Freddy! Oh, Cora.
Oh, Freddy.
I can't believe you changed this much in eight months! Whoa! Everyone run for your lives! It's the invasion of the scalp snatchers! Hide your noses, everyone.
Hide your noses.
So, how was Europe? C'est magnifique.
Oh.
And where's my favorite son-in-law, Cliff, huh? Don't ask.
Uh, he's probably taking a nap or something.
Oh, I understand.
He probably worked hard all day.
You're in for a big surprise.
( snores ) Honey, I was so happy when you got married.
Well, it looks like even you can be happy without my being here.
You have a wonderful husband, and Cora has a home where she's welcome and loved, and I could finally sell the house and the store and get out and see the world and grab for some gusto.
I decided it was time to catch up on the life of a single man.
So I flew to the Continent, and I met Veronica.
( whistles ) Veronica? Uh-huh.
A former Miss Teenage Bulgaria.
Ah, she was the kind of woman every man dreams of.
She had a certain je ne sais quoi.
I can translate for you.
( guttural ): "I like you.
" The times we spent together, dancing till dawn ( guitar playing ) champagne suppers on the strand, ( popping sound ) and sailing into the sunset.
( beeping ) Dive! Dive! Dive! ( honking bark ) Mindy, where's dinner? Oh, the plot clots.
Cliff! Son, how are you? Oh, look who's back.
You going to live here, too? I used to, but now things have Look, if you don't have dinner ready, I'm going to Red's place.
Give me some money.
No, don't, Mind No, Cliff, you're just going to gamble it away anyway, and right now we need every penny we can get.
I'll get it myself.
Where's your wallet? No, no, wait.
Keep away from that.
Don't do No, keep your hands off her tips! Stop thief! Stop! Good-bye, Cliff.
Hope you fall off your name.
I had no idea.
Oh, today's one of his good days.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I should go and talk to him.
Oh, no, Pops, don't do that.
You don't want footprints on your new rug again, do you? Where is this Red's place? Oh, it's a bookie joint.
You can't miss it.
It used to be the music store.
Things sure have changed.
It's too bad.
Can I do anything to help you, dear? No, thanks, Grandma.
I'd just like to be alone for awhile.
Well, if you have someone nearby, dear, who loves you, you'll never be alone.
Oh, what a McKuen-like thing to say, Grandma.
I'll go booby- trap the bed.
Now let's see.
Cliff sleeps on the right side, yes.
( crying ) Oh, don't cry.
I don't want to see your eyes leaking.
Don't cry, it's not the end of the world.
That comes in the year 2118 when the giant bees come.
And Regis Philbin is elected President of the United States.
Oh, Mindy, come on.
I got a joke.
Here's something to cheer you up.
Knock, knock.
Oh, bad choice, huh? Wait, Mind.
Come on, don't be sad.
Hey, listen, here's a joke.
What do you get when you cross a German Shepherd and a giraffe? A watchdog for the eighth floor.
All right, here's another one, okay.
Why did Einstein throw his brother's clock out the window? He wanted to see relative time.
( honking bark ) Come on, Mind, they laugh at this on Mercury, and they don't even have mouths.
Oh, Mindy.
Wait, look.
Look at this.
A little Martian yarmulke.
( speaks gibberish ) Oh, look.
Look.
Mick Jagger.
Talk about your midnight rambler.
( crying ) Oh, Mind, hey, don't cry.
Listen, you wouldn't be crying if I was here.
Come on.
There's no reason to cry.
Here's your wallet.
Oh, thanks, Pop.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, honey.
Oh, Dad.
Honey, honey, take it easy.
Come on, let's go sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk.
Oh, sweetheart I have a confession to make.
I'm alone, too.
Veronica lasted just as long as my money, which wasn't very long.
Well, you still have me.
Me, too.
Well I guess I won't be needing this anymore.
Or the lies that went with it.
I can't understand it.
Cliff seemed to have so much promise.
Oh, he did till he started gambling, and it just sort of took over his life.
And now he's he's willing to gamble on anything but us.
You know, I'd always hoped you'd meet someone who was mature responsible, independent.
( fife playing ) Yet somebody who was, mm, easygoing.
Oh, say, what's happening, man? What's happening? Carefree.
Oh.
Lah.
And somebody who was full of life.
The most important thing to me is somebody who can make me laugh.
Oh, Mindy, I used to be able to make you laugh.
Hey, remember.
( makes musical sounds ) You know what I'd like to do? Let's go for a walk the way we used to.
I'd like that.
Yeah, me, too.
Let's all go.
( thunder rumbling ) Oh, honey, look.
It's starting to rain.
That's okay.
I like walking in the rain.
That way nobody can tell if you're crying.
( thunder rumbles ) I can ( sniffles ) ( sustained tone ) Orson, I've seen enough.
I don't want her to end up like this.
Please, bring me back to now.
Mork, I have to talk to you.
You have to talk to me? Really? You can see me? Whoa, it's a wonderful life! Mork Ha-ha! She touched me.
Yazoo yazoo! Mork, I want to apologize for snapping at you a minute ago.
Oh, no, you can be mean and nasty any time you want.
Oh, no, I can't.
Yes, you can, you can, you can, you can, you can, can, can, can.
You see you have to be patient with me.
I was upset because I thought I'd lost a job.
But I'd rather lose a hundred jobs than a friend like you.
Oh, listen, I'm new at this, and I've got a lot to learn, but if anyone's going to mess up your life, I hope for your sake, it's me.
( laughs softly ) Oh.
Ha, ha, ha, har, ar.
Oh.
Oh, that reminds me of a joke.
What do you get when you cross a German Shepherd and a giraffe? A watchdog for the eighth floor.
How did you know that? I'm not sure.
( hums Twilight Zone theme ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson Come in, Your Fattitude Yow, baby, get down ( scatting ) I'll be with you in a moment, Mork.
There's a caller on another brain cell.
I'll hold.
Yes, what is it? Sorry, there's no one named Juanita here.
Juanita no en la casa.
Good-bye.
I'd love to know who had this brain before me.
Sounds like Ricardo Montalban.
Sir, you'll never guess what I learned.
You'll never guess.
Go on, take one guess.
Too late! Okay, I'll tell you.
I learned that I'm okay.
I'm not as bad as I thought I was.
That's a lesson one can only learn from the School of Oneself.
Wow, what a Werner-like thing to say.
But you know something, Orson? I'd like to thank you for letting me see what Mindy's life would be like without me.
But please, I never want to see what my life would be like without her.
You know, Mork, I think you're beginning to grow.
Well, sir, I don't know how much value I have in this universe, but I do know that I made a few people happier than they would've been without me, and as long as I know that, I'm as rich as I ever need to be.
So I'll catch you on the rebound, Your Magnitude.
Until next week.
Nanu, nanu.