New Girl s01e24 Episode Script

Here you guys go, some cookies.
Okay, great.
As you know, I'm moving in with Caroline.
And I'm glad we can talk about this like adults.
- Caroline is, uh, quite the baker.
- Anything else? Anyone? You're making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.
I'm gonna start over because this did not go the way I had planned.
As you know, I'm leaving, so there are things we need to work out.
What am I gonna do with extra money now that I don't have to cover for you? - Okay.
- Maybe I'll buy a city.
Open a mall and call it Winston's Corners.
What are you doing? Just sitting here, letting this happen? What? The guy obviously knows what he wants.
- I do.
SCHMlDT: When Nick leaves I'm gonna call a plumber and throw cash at him while he works.
Fifties and hundreds, hundreds, hundreds.
Call an exterminator.
Get rid of that crime against nature.
JESS: Yeah, he's not fooling anyone.
Because he's a snappy dresser, the mice don't see the hammer? Mice come from all over the building to laugh at that dummy witch.
Is this a carob chip? Are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate? You idiot.
Aren't you gonna miss this, Nick? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess [SlGHS.]
Can you take me to the doctor tomorrow? He's taking the bandages off.
The old Washington Monument, ready to serve this great nation again.
Okay, can you stop? Time to make this horse into a unicorn.
Can we save this until after interviewing Neil to take Nick's room? Hey, don't worry about me.
I could talk about my dingus all night long.
Tell us about yourself.
You know, anything we should know? Aside from the fact that you responded to our Craigslist ad with a fax.
Well, um, yeah, my name is "Neil.
" Um, just coming out of a pretty hairy divorce.
I am in human resources.
Well, I used to be.
I had the unique experience of having to let myself go.
I did not take it well.
- Let me ask a question.
- Save questions till the end.
Are you gonna be a wuss about things like crabs and bedbugs? Like crabs from Maine? I hope you like feminist rants.
That's kind of my thing.
Neil, she's just saying this to scare you.
[HlSSlNG.]
- What are you doing? - Shut up.
- I'm a cutter.
- I want you to give us a minute.
- I gotta go talk to my roommates.
SCHMlDT: Oh, yeah.
You're acting insane.
I'm acting insane.
That guy's insane.
Jess, when you moved in, we had to roll with it.
To be fair, you do some pretty weird stuff.
I still can't get used to the way you let us know when you're using the toilet.
[TRlANGLE DlNGlNG.]
- I'm good with Neil.
- I am too.
What are you guys doing? Nick's leaving.
You're his friends.
Aren't you gonna fight for him to stay? You're in.
Aw! Yes.
Okay.
And get ready for songs, because I am kind of a troubadour.
This is happening, Nick.
This is happening.
Whoa.
Whoa, why are you taking back your lamp? You just answered that when you called it my lamp.
No, man.
Squatter's rights.
- What's wrong? Still afraid of the dark? - What? No.
Because if you are, I'll leave this behind.
Okay, I'm not afraid of the dark.
But if I were afraid of the dark that would be a totally rational, adaptive, evolutionary response.
- Good night, Winston.
- I'm not afraid of the dark.
Good night, sweetheart.
[lN DEEP VOlCE.]
Unless the monsters get you.
[WlNSTON PANTlNG.]
[NlCK ROARS THEN WlNSTON SCREAMS.]
[OVER SPEAKERS.]
You and I should have a baby Hey, you came.
- Whoa, what you got in there? - It's a hard cast.
Yeah, things didn't go quite like we had hoped at the doctor.
So I told the guy I had never been snowmobiling in my life, you know.
- Oh, God! Ah.
- That's not my penis.
But on the bright side it's impossible for me to get aroused in this thing.
Say something hot to me.
Somethin' like a Cheese McGriddle Fresh pressed linens.
- Nope, nothing.
Not an inch.
- Wow.
Like a swaddled baby.
- They're ready for us.
- Oh, okay.
Just hang out, okay? Have fun.
I'll drink your rum, girl My French-toast stick will make you hum You got that sex syrup PHOTOGRAPHER: That's right, ride that missile.
Grip it.
You've got a tankful of jet fuel, you're heading straight for the sun.
What the hell war is this? PHOTOGRAPHER: Turn around and face him.
- Am I supposed to wanna buy a missile? I don't understand.
Just pounding the drum of war.
What, no one listened to Eisenhower? All right, so that's everything.
I took my fair share of rubber bands, so I don't wanna hear about it.
In my room, you will find a shoe box.
In that box, there is a guinea pig that I said I would bury.
- So deal with it.
- A corpse in your room? Thanks for helping.
What are we standing in a circle like a bunch of weirdos? - Hey, Nick.
- Yeah? Why are you rushing this? You have so much time.
Why not just take a second and think about this? I feel confident.
I couldn't be more confident, Jess.
Are you? Yeah.
- Are you? - Yes.
- Are you really? - Thanks for helping me move.
[SlGHS.]
I love the way he smelled.
Caroline and I are starting a whole new life together.
Now we're trying to decide between eggshell and soft mint for the walls.
My gut says that eggshell is trying too hard but soft mint is really tricky to match.
- Have I told you about the bay windows? - Yes, you have.
They are stunning, right? I'm gonna curl up in those like a damn cat.
That's the place.
SCHMlDT: That's the place? NlCK: Yeah.
- Aren't you gonna stop? - Yeah.
Seems like I should.
- Um Hey, Nick? - Yeah? - What are you doing? - I'm freaking out! Yeah! Oh, no.
Oh, Nick Miller is freaking out again! Whoop-dee-whoo.
What's new? Ha, ha, ha.
[YELLS.]
Come on.
- What the hell? You think he's okay, man? - Oh, no.
He's totally fine.
We do this every day.
We just never invite you, Winston.
What have I done? Nick, I'm pretty sure you overshot the apartment by like 140 miles.
Let's just hop back in the truck, turn around and go home.
- Yeah, yeah.
You're right.
WlNSTON: Okay? - Okay.
- This is crazy.
- I drove out here.
WlNSTON: Yeah, it is.
- I'll drive you to Caroline.
- Caroline's? - No! - No! Well, that was unexpected.
[SlNGlNG.]
I like to move in, move in I like to move in, move in I like to move in I like it quiet, quiet.
I rode up in the elevator with that guy and something growled in that box.
I hope he has a pet.
It would cheer me up.
- Schmidt here? - He's helping Nick move.
But Neil is.
Wanna do a sex-only thing with him? He came by my shoot earlier and was so jealous.
He was freaking out the entire time.
[PHONE RlNGS.]
It's him.
Hold on.
Hi, Schmidt.
How's it going? How's the new apartment? Does it smell like new paint and compromise? Heh, heh.
What? Where? There's not much sunlight left.
- What are you afraid of, the dark? - Not the dark.
Schmidt.
He's a Jew in the desert.
I don't want him to wander.
[PHONE RlNGlNG.]
- That's Caroline.
What do I tell her? - There's freaking fire ants everywhere.
Give me a sec.
Hey.
Nick, where are you? In the desert.
- The what? NlCK: Yeah, I kind of I kind of freaked out and Look, I know it's a lot.
Just get back here as soon as you can and we'll figure it out.
Really? I love you.
I love you too.
[CHUCKLES.]
I overreacted by throwing my keys earlier.
- Yeah? - I don't why I ever doubted Caroline.
- She's the best.
- So why the hell throw your keys away? - I deserve this.
- I'm gonna kill you! Winston, no! WlNSTON: The sun is going down! SCHMlDT: Calm down.
- I'll kill you! I'll kill you! [GRUNTlNG.]
SCHMlDT: Enough.
Would you stop it? - There's fire ants everywhere.
- Why are we fighting? - Oh, good.
- Oh, thank God.
WlNSTON: Hey, Jess, what took you so long? You never wanna lose a race against the night.
Nice new place, Nick.
- It's very spacious.
NlCK: Yes, I'm an idiot.
JESS: Really nice.
- Hey.
It's for you.
What happened at the shoot? You left before I had a chance to say goodbye.
Good stuff.
Sure.
It was hard to tell where you stopped and Goggles McHardbody began.
That's my job.
Gino is just some guy that I see around the office.
Except in my office, they rub us down with baby oil before we start.
Yeah, I get that.
Look, your business is selling sex.
Sure.
You're a sex worker.
You're an idiot.
If we leave now, I'm gonna be back to Caroline by 8:00.
- Caroline? - I changed my mind.
I'm gonna move in.
I don't even care about this truck.
I'll get it tomorrow.
- We leave.
Get out of the desert.
- Sounds good.
Here's my question.
How are you gonna get there? I think you're gonna drive me.
- I don't think so.
WlNSTON: What? NlCK: Why did come out to the desert? WlNSTON: What? NlCK: Jess.
- Jess! WlNSTON: No! Come on! People, just please listen to me! Stop throwing your damn keys! Werewolves come out at night, man.
I don't want nobody to eat me! - I got thick thighs, I got a fat ass! - Relax.
We are in the middle of the desert! Nobody's gonna find our bodies! - Come here.
- What? You're having a nervous breakdown.
NlCK: Tow truck can't come until tomorrow.
Aren't you glad I have beer? Hello.
- Look what I found.
NlCK: Don't.
No, I have to hear it.
I'm begging you, it's humiliating.
I made that when I was 14.
Nick, I have to hear this.
SCHMlDT: Turn it up.
JESS: Yeah.
NlCK [ON RECORDlNG.]
: This next song goes out to a special girl, Gwen Bressler.
I know you like breakfast, but how do you feel about "Breakfast at Tiffany's" - Deep Blue Something? - T errible.
This is a great song.
You guys are crazy.
Listen to the lyrics.
Oh, man.
I feel it in my body.
[OVER SPEAKERS.]
And we're falling apart Are you kidding me? This is in my bones.
[SlNGlNG.]
I say What about breakfast at Tiffany's? Something, something Remember the time [LAUGHS.]
NlCK: But Gwen, you don't know my name, do you? How bizarre.
CECE: No.
- Oh, yes.
- And this is when Nick got cool again.
CECE: Oh, not you too? [OMC'S "HOW BlZARRE" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
[RlNGlNG.]
NlCK: Oh, my God, I'm, like, back.
Thank you.
Make fun all you want.
I'm back! I'm back.
Thank you for doing this.
Cruising down the freeway In the hot, hot sun Suddenly red-blue lights Flash up from behind Loud voice, "All move" [CRASH TEST DUMMlES' "MMM MMM MMM MMM" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
I'm gonna miss this, you guys.
Just all of us, together, making fun of Nick.
Okay.
Once there was this girl who All right, I get it.
I'm an idiot.
I see what you guys are doing.
I get it.
You're trying to force me to remember how great it is when we hang out - so I don't wanna leave.
- We're just having fun.
You think I'm dumb and I make bad decisions.
- But this isn't that.
SCHMlDT: What? - Come on.
JESS: You're crazy.
Where are you going? - To get my keys.
JESS: You're never gonna find your keys.
She couldn't quite explain it They'd always just been there What's wrong with you? You're stress-eating meat.
Hey, Jess.
How many have you had? - Like three.
- That's a lot of pig parts.
It's just Cece.
JESS: I thought it was so going well.
Yeah, you know, she's a good egg.
She's never gonna be happy with somebody like me.
What? That's crazy.
- I'm gonna have to White Fang her.
- Schmidt, come on.
I try not to judge what you do but please don't tell me things like that.
No.
No, Jess.
Jess, the book White Fang.
- Oh.
- This guy befriends a wild creature but he must set the animal free.
That's what's best for it.
- I know the plot of White Fang.
- But the animal won't go.
So with a breaking heart, he throws stones at it until it runs away.
You want Cece to go away? No.
I want her to be happy.
When you care about somebody, you do what's best for them.
Even if it sucks for you.
- Even if they're just a woof.
- A woof? - A woof.
- A wolf.
That's what I said.
- A wolf.
- A woof.
- Come on, keys.
JESS: Hey, Nick.
- Let's come back in the morning.
- I don't wanna come back in the morning.
Okay, I wanna be in my new bed, in my new apartment with my new old girlfriend.
Okay, it's just I know I've been-- What? - Oh, my God.
NlCK: Shh.
[GROWLS.]
Oh, my God.
- Okay, just be cool.
What do we do? - I don't know.
- Okay, but Jess, we have to do something.
- Shh.
- Meep, meep.
- What are you doing? - Road Runner.
- I know.
Why would you do the Road Runner? - Honestly, don't do that.
Jess-- - Meep, meep.
Jess, honestly, don't do the Road Runner to a coyote.
That's how you deal with coyotes.
- Coyotes hate roadrunners.
- You deal-- Coyotes wanna kill roadrunners! [COYOTE GROWLS.]
- Meep, meep.
- Oh, you-- No disrespect.
It's watching us.
It's watching us.
- We need to talk.
- All right.
Not another "merlot is the whore of the vineyard" talks, is it? This isn't working out.
Are you kidding right now? Are you trying to end this with me? Now go on.
You heard me.
Go on! Go on, scram! Go! I hate you, go! [YELLlNG.]
- Go back to your kind! - Are you White Fanging me? - Sorry.
What? - White Fang, Schmidt.
The only book on your Kindle.
The one you wouldn't stop talking about.
Remember I said, "Please stop talking about White Fang.
" And you said, "Someday I'm gonna do this to somebody.
" That White Fang.
Uh-huh.
Why are you trying to push me away? I saw your phone, Cece.
I saw the text message from Gino, your colleague.
- You went through my phone? - What? No.
Winston went through your phone-- That is not okay.
This is about trust, Schmidt, okay? It's about trust, I told you how this was gonna be.
I asked you to get okay with it.
Why am I supposed to trust you? You slept with me.
That doesn't say much about your taste in men.
And I have more than one book on my Kindle.
And a subscription to Cricket.
And a lot of PDFs.
[GRUNTS.]
- Doesn't he have somewhere to be? - Oh, this is a disaster.
Why did you keep driving? I don't wanna talk about this.
I know what you're gonna say.
No.
No, you don't know what I'm gonna say.
I want you to be happy.
And if that means moving in with Caroline then I think you should do it.
That's what you think? - I think you need me too much.
- I'm gonna be fine.
- I am.
- I don't think so.
- You know why? - Why? Because I met you.
That's why I'm okay.
And that's why I can do this.
- What are you doing? - To beat the coyote you be the coyote.
That's what I thought.
That's a dumb idea.
I'm not with her on this.
This is her move, not mine, sir.
[GROWLS.]
- Ay, yi, yi, yi! - No.
[SCREECHlNG.]
[HOWLlNG.]
[COYOTE WHlMPERlNG.]
- Oh, my God.
- I did it! Oh, my God.
I have so much dirt in my mouth, and I did it! - Come here.
Nice job.
- I did it! I did it.
Ay, yi, yi, yi! [BOTH HOWLlNG.]
Schmidt.
Hello? JESS: Winston? - Aah! Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! He'll be fine.
I don't know.
Want some candy or something? Found it in the truck.
- No.
- I don't want your dirty lolly.
WlNSTON: Guys! SCHMlDT: Oh! I survived, man, and I made it out alive.
Wait, wait, don't touch me.
There's pee everywhere.
Like, everywhere.
SCHMlDT: Pissed everywhere? WlNSTON: I didn't just pee on me.
I peed-- Well, I peed on me, but other things peed on me too.
I saw things, man.
I had an experience.
I think I made out with the side of a dune.
JESS: Hey! Look, I found my key.
- Oh! - Oh! Thank God.
- We still on for brunch? - You gonna help me unload my stuff? - No.
Not a chance.
- No.
Yeah, so I can't do brunch.
Just go.
Get in the car.
Unacceptable.
Good luck.
Well? Well? All right, I'll see you.
See you.
Wow.
Look how pronounced Nick's couch hole got.
All this time, I thought he was just sitting here, drinking beer and complaining - he was making something.
- Heh.
Hey.
What do you think? [DOOR CLOSES.]
NlCK [ON RECORDlNG.]
: Hey, WNICK listeners.
This one is going out to all the ladies I'm gonna meet when I grow up.
- Not.
- Not.
[AC/DC'S "YOU SHOOK ME ALL NlGHT LONG" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
Hey.
Welcome back, you clown.
Ah! She was a fast machine She kept her motor clean She was the best damn woman That I'd ever seen She had the sightless eyes Telling me no lies Knockin ' me out with those American thighs Takin ' more than her share Had me fightin ' for air She told me to come but I was already there 'Cause the walls started shakin ' The earth was quakin ' My mind was achin ' Nick, turn it off! You shook me all night long Yeah, you shook me Yeah, you shook me All night long