Scrubs s01e24 Episode Script

Since I was a kid, I've been able to sleep through anything.
Storms, sirens, you name it.
Last night I didn't sleep.
Couldn't stop thinking about this past year.
Oh, please.
I've seen you naked before.
Dude, you had that? Five up high for cherry pie! You find it funny, Dr Dorian? Why don't you tell me the EKG findings of Wolff- Parkinson-White Syndrome? I haven't even showered yet.
We could shower together for old time's sake.
I never would've slept with you if I knew you were Dr Cox's ex.
What was that, newbie? Relax.
He doesn't know.
He likes Carla anyway.
I got Carla wrapped around my finger.
I heard that! - What are you guys talking about? - Nothing.
- Thank you.
- Forget about it.
No, no, no.
You can't forget about these.
I'd pull those hands back if you wanna keep 'em, Q-tip.
That's just the kind of thing that can be construed as sexual harassment.
Got a few hairs in the sink, there, huh? For God's sake, man, don't comb so hard.
All right, enough is enough! I guess I don't fit in with your mirror friends.
Enjoy.
I don't know why my mind is all over the place.
Maybe it's because today isn't just any other day.
It's my last day as an intern.
Oh, you got me! Let me go, let me go! Hey, amigos! Can you guys believe this? Tomorrow, we are officially residents.
Let's get our last day on.
What the hell? He deserves it too.
Mother Mr Bober has been complaining of abdominal pain and nausea.
- Looks like cholecystitis.
- What, newbie? This gentleman is suffering from an inflamed gallbladder and you have him eating a grilled cheese sandwich.
Here's an idea.
Why don't we just have him wash the whole thing down with a big ol' mug of vodka? Mr Bober back there is one of our frequent flyers.
He's with us every six months for years and I've grown fond of him.
So if you could somehow manage to not kill him well, then, oh, gee, that would just be ducky.
How come you haven't mentioned it's my last day as an intern? Haven't I? - Come here.
Oh! - OK.
OK.
Despite the fact that tomorrow you will be a resident you'll still be the excitable girl that you are now.
The only difference will be that some new intern will mistake you for somebody who actually knows something.
Why is he so uptight today? - Hey, Perry.
- Oh, OK.
Jordan.
To what do we owe the horror? Come on, Perry.
No soft spot for the one woman who slept with you sober? Now, if you could sign this insurance physical I'll go back to trying to forget that horrible, horrible night.
For me to sign this, I would have to give you a physical.
And when I say "I," I, of course, mean absolutely anybody but me.
Barbie! Give my ex-wife here a physical and don't be afraid of that third eye on her chest.
Just remember, it's just as scared of you as you are of it.
Let's get physical? - Doesn't matter - Carla, can you do me a favour? Mr Bober needs yet another Foley catheter.
I am so swamped.
Sure, no problem.
But we're not finished yet! I know we're not finished yet.
I didn't say we were finished yet.
But, baby, it's up to you.
When a couple argues you should run before you get roped in.
Hey, JD.
- You got him, baby.
- I got him.
- I got him! - Bring him in.
We were talking about our relationship and how great everything is.
I said, "It's weird to think I'll never date again.
" That's close, but not quite what you said.
What you said was, "It's weird to think I'll never get to date again.
" You see that? "Get to date again", like she's missing out.
- How messed up is that? - I did not say "get".
You're being ridiculous.
What do you think, JD? Careful, Tiger.
Careful.
I wish people would call me Tiger.
What? I agree with Laverne.
Damn kids and their stupid problems.
I just wanna get home to a warm bath, catch a little bit of that Fear Factor.
Ted, the reason we're not admiring the new parking structure is because you failed to get legal clearance from the zoning board.
Honestly, sometimes I wonder if you're happy here.
Do it, Ted.
Just do it.
Bob! When I heard you were up on the roof I just assumed it was because your evil mission here on planet Earth had finally come to an end, so tell me this.
Where exactly is the mother ship? - Look, Ted.
It's Dr Cox.
- Hey.
I just saw the new shift schedule.
Give me a break, will you? I'm glad you're here.
The hospital needs a new Residency Director and I've decided to recommend you.
Now, finish your tantrum on your own because I'm going to go down to the cafeteria and get myself a fro-yo.
Ted, chop-chop.
Save my spot.
Bambi, Mr Bober's hypotensive.
I think he's becoming septic.
This guy is more work than all my other patients combined.
Maybe if you tell him how hard it is on you, he'll get better! I'll get paper towels.
Don't worry.
Somebody else will get it.
Yeah.
Who can we get? I'm not shocked.
That's how you live your life.
Got a problem? Hey, just pass it on down the line.
I was gonna say something but it turns out he gave me a pretty good idea.
Thank you so much for taking Bober from me.
- But, JD, I - I owe you.
I'm a little doormat, I sit and stay Let people use me every single day Excuse me? Oh, it's a song I'm working on.
I made it up.
So I let myself get taken advantage of sometimes, you know? I mean, big deal.
How do you make friends? I've seen your type before.
You're that girl that thought she wanted to lose her virginity at a party while another guy was asleep in the room.
Chaz really cared for me.
And I'm sure you have a cool T-shirt to prove it.
Can we please finish this physical? And I can't pee right now, so you'll have to go for me.
What a good girl.
Good girl.
Still, Elliot wasn't gonna let herself get stuck with Mr Bober, either.
- How you doing, Mr Bober? - Fine.
OK, why did you let Elliot turf him up here? I don't know.
All I really remember is she dropped her pen and bent over.
Dude, thong city! No.
No high-five for you.
- Todd did bad? - Todd did very bad.
Todd did very, very bad.
What the hell, Elliot? You can't just pawn this Bober guy off on me.
It was JD's patient! I was just the middleman.
Woman.
Person.
We can stand here and argue about who screwed who.
Or? Or nothing.
I'm on break.
Let's do it.
- Rock-paper-scissors right now.
- Fine.
Loser gets Bober.
Once, twice, three, shoot! Did you say Bober? I'm looking for my grandfather, Frank Bober.
We moved him to the ICU, dear.
He'll show you up.
That's OK.
She She didn't hear us.
No, but Jesus did.
Just a closer walk with thee I didn't appreciate your game this morning.
Heavens to Betsy, the gazpacho is scrumptious today.
Dangling that fake promotion in front of me.
I was dead serious about the Residency Director's position.
Well, what makes you think that I'd be interested in that? Because you want my job and you'll never get it without this on your résumé.
But you hate me.
- Like nuts in brownies, captain.
- I don't get your angle.
What could you want in exchange for my support because I'm telling you, I am not dating that daughter of yours.
I only have a son.
That's my bad.
I was just going by that picture on your desk.
You know the financial burdens I deal with.
I want you to stop busting my chops all the time and get on my team.
- Forget about it.
- Fine.
Walk away.
Scrumptious.
Wanna bite? We're doctors.
That's how doctors talk to doctors.
Our only mistake was not being careful about where we were.
We agree we did nothing wrong so let's check in on him and forget about it.
And that's when the three of us realized even though we'd all spent time with Mr Bober none of us had any idea what he looked like.
Over here.
Hey, guys.
When we started here a year ago and saw some of the insensitive and jaded doctors we all said the same thing: "That's not gonna be me.
" Really, the only solace is that the guilt passes pretty quickly.
What's wrong, dog? You guys, we have to do something.
If we remove Mr Bober's gallbladder, it should relieve the abdominal pain.
Isn't he a little old for that procedure? - Well, he seems stable enough.
- Problem is, he has no insurance.
And then, all at once, we realized we had to do something.
We decided to attack the problem on three fronts.
Dr Cox? Ms Sullivan? Dr Wen? I thought if you looked at Mr Bober's chart and agreed you might be able to pull some strings or And now, here it comes: The calling me a girl's name the telling me not to waste my time Yep.
I'll be more than glad to help you there, Charlotte.
I was half right.
Well, thank you.
Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that.
The simple fact that you seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with.
It's why I trust you as a doctor.
Hell, it's It's why I trust you as a person.
Are you dying? I've got a new shrink.
Ah, just say it.
You know, I want to thank you for this whole year.
Oh, no.
And I just want to know if I can buy you dinner.
That'd be terrific.
- Great! I'm off in a half hour - Oh, no! Here I was led to believe that you were doing a gift certificate kind of thing.
But to sit and eat with you? That's That's just That's crazy talk.
I have half a mind to issue you a drug test.
- Come on! What'd I sign up for - Would've been nice.
He doesn't have insurance.
If you could talk to the board, JD thought maybe First he dumps that patient on you and now he wants you to ask me a favour? If you don't start saying no you're gonna wind up on the playing a game - I call Hide The Pickle.
- JD and I are just colleagues.
I was joking, but you actually slept with him, didn't you? A little.
I don't know where your mother was when she should've told you these things but you cannot have sex with someone you care about.
Sex is for making babies and revenge.
Oh, you're so full of it.
Listen, stick, if you wanna wipe your nose and pretend that was a sneeze, I will play along.
But if you have something to say, say it.
Everybody knows you're sleeping with Dr Cox and it can't be about making babies, cos you'd end up eating them.
As for revenge, I'm not sure that pleasuring him while he watches SportsCenter hurts him as much as you think.
You still care about him whether you admit it or not.
And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle.
Kiss her? So you see, Dr Wen, it's not really a favour.
We were supposed to do surgery on Mrs Beckerman, but she passed away.
Go on.
She's dead, and we hoped that you could keep her name on the roster.
We don't wanna do surgery on her.
Let's face it, Dr Wen.
We're good, but we're not that good.
- You know what I'm saying? - No.
We want to get a patient approved for surgery.
We hope you can keep the slot open.
Oh, sure.
Dr Turk, next time you need to talk to me think hard about what you want to say, then send her.
- Of course.
Thanks, Dr Wen.
- See, what happened there was I knew what you were trying to say despite the exact words you were using.
I tried to help you out instead of getting mad at you over nothing.
Baby, we both know it's not the same.
You are the dumbest man I ever laid eyes on.
Still.
Didn't hurt! Didn't hurt! Tell me if it hurts this time! So, you want me to approve surgery on a 76-year-old man with no insurance and no life-threatening condition? Young man, I'm curious.
What did you think the end result of this conversation would be? Well, pretty much, this.
Except I'm invested, so I thought I might try crying.
Sport, if crying worked on me my wife would have her own car by now.
- Bob? I think you should reconsider.
- What's that, Perry? I mean, because that didn't sound like something a teammate would say.
Maybe you meant to pat me on the ass and say, "Go get 'em, Bob.
" Right, but what if we were to look at this from a purely fiscal perspective? Did he just say "fiscal"? After all, Mr Bober is here every four to six months and if we were to consider his surgery as a one-time expenditure, then you would be making the right financial call.
See now? That's the kind of thinking I can get behind! How'd that make you feel? - Dirty all over.
- You get used to it.
Boys, I'll do what I can, but if you're gonna pull this off you're gonna need a board member behind you.
How the hell are we supposed to get that? This is the closest I've come to not hating myself after sleeping with you.
Oh, you're just saying that.
Actually, I'm not.
I We connected.
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing.
I guess I was just thinking of a guy I kind of like.
Let me guess.
He is an arrogant, self-hating narcissist who just needs to be loved.
- Yeah, pretty much.
- Nobody better.
Hey, stud? Thank you for not asking me to help on the Bober thing.
I would've, but it would've been pointless.
Turns out, you're a very predictable woman there.
- Please.
- I know you.
You're gonna walk into that boardroom tonight all tall and strong and then you're gonna sit back and just pray that nobody asks your opinion.
I mean, I'm sure you probably think that your little visits here are a spontaneous surprise but did you ever wonder why the only two candles I own are already lit when you walk in that door? I mean, doll, I hate to tell you this, but I don't walk around all day with cologne down in my engine room.
I'm not that guy.
Some people like reliability.
In a sedan, it turns out it's terrific.
Cheers.
Here's the good news, however.
Turns out it's never too late to turn the whole thing around.
Really? All you gotta do is stir it up a little bit.
- Stir it up? - Stir it right the hell up.
- I'll try to remember that.
- So I'm guessing I'll be seeing you in about 11 days, right? Probably at the exact same time.
Don't forget to stir it up, baby.
And so it comes down to this the hospital board meeting to decide Mr Bober's fate.
And in a weird way, ours too.
As cheesy as it sounds I think we knew we were all gonna be OK.
Hi, Mr Bober.
Still, I've had this feeling that I'm forgetting something.
Hey! Congratulations on becoming a resident.
Glad I could help.
Help? You were awful to me.
You Awful.
Anyway, go get 'em, tiger.
The world is your oyster, my friend.
What? It's my first day.
I'm waiting for someone.
This door is broke.
Every fifth time or so, it don't open.
Maybe there's a paper clip stuck in there.
- Why a paper clip? - I was just making small talk.
- Did you put a paper clip in there? - No.
If I find a paper clip you're goin' down.
- Here's to the new residents! - Here, here! - I'm a doctor! - It's been a long year but the important thing is, we got through it together.
- We were a family.
- Hey, everyone.
- Oh, hi.
- How are you? Ms Sullivan, thank you for helping us with Mr Bober.
Don't mention it.
Even though I wasn't invited to your party - I brought presents for everyone.
- Brace yourself, newbie.
Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you.
It's true.
Ask your boyfriend.
He knows.
He and Perry talk about it all the time.
I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her.
Perhaps you're afraid of something.
Huh.
And, Bob, when are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for was filled months ago? It just seems wrong.
Which brings us to Twinkie.
If you don't have the courage to tell your "colleague" Dr Dorian that you're still crazy about him I'm gonna do it for you, cos that's what friends do.
Yeah.
And finally, Perry you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé here.
Oh, please, God, no.
I slept with him, and it was good.
How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone.
Bye.
Yup.
One big happy family.