Soap (1977) s01e24 Episode Script
Episode 24
1 ANNOUNCER: In last week's episode of Soap, Jodie surprised Carol by agreeing to spend the weekend with her.
Corinne surprised Ingrid by walking out on her.
Burt really surprised Mary by telling her he killed her first husband.
And speaking of surprises, Mrs.
Fine, the surprise witness, surprised everyone by testifying that she heard Jessica threaten to kill Peter Campbell.
Surprised? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
[.]
This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
These are the Tates.
And these are the Campbells.
And this is Soap.
[.]
You son of a Go! JESSICA: Boys.
Boys.
[.]
JODIE: Damn it.
What are you doing? I'm gonna sleep in the bathtub.
All right, all right.
I won't do it anymore.
I promise.
I don't know what's with you, Carol.
I mean, we agree we're coming up here as friends, huh? Then you tell me that you've rented a two-bedroom cottage.
We get here, one room, one bed.
And knowing I'm gay, you're absolutely amazed when I don't turn out to be Burt Reynolds.
I thought you'd be different here.
Away from everything, in the country, all this clean air.
Clean air? Carol, I'm a homosexual, not an asthmatic.
[SNIFFLES.]
Carol, are you crying? You hate me.
I don't hate you.
Yes, you do.
Carol, I don't hate you.
Please stop crying.
I can't help it.
I really want you, and you hate me.
Carol, I don't hate you.
Stop crying.
And now you're gonna hate me even more because I can't stop crying.
Carol, I don't hate you.
I could never hate you.
I meant well.
I really meant well.
Oh, okay, come here.
Come on.
Carol, come here, now.
Come on, stop cry Carol, come here.
Just stop crying, okay? Come on.
Now stop.
All right? Okay.
It's all right, it's all right.
[.]
But, Ma, Dad was a gangster.
Burt said he had a gun on his ribs and he was gonna shoot him.
Ma, he had no choice.
He pushed him off that ledge in self-defence.
For God's sake, Ma.
It was my father that got killed and I forgive him.
Danny, I just don't know.
I mean, I loved your father.
And now to find out that Burt killed him? It's not like he forgot our anniversary and I'm a little miffed.
Well, he's gonna be home soon.
What are you gonna do? I don't know.
I mean, I've done a lot of thinking about it.
But every time I sit down to think about it, I can't believe what it is I am actually sitting down to think about.
My second husband killed my first husband.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
What is it with you? You got a thing for killers? Hey, were you eavesdropping? [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
No.
It was him.
Yeah, it was me.
Listen, play your cards right and I'll get you a date with Dirty Harry.
[SNEEZES.]
Bless you.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hey, I think it's him.
Hi.
Hey, how you doing? All right.
Hey, Dad.
Hey.
How you doing, Chuck, Bob? Hi, you killer.
No, Bob, come on.
Welcome home.
So how's things? Hi, Mare.
Hi.
You're home.
Yeah.
Mare, ahem, should I, uh? Should I put this down? Oh, yes.
Of course.
Yes.
Yes.
Uh, Mare, ahem, you probably haven't yet I mean, I don't know.
But did you make any kind of decision about things? Decision? Oh, a decision.
You mean about you? Whether you want to stay married to a killer.
No.
No, I haven't.
Yeah, well, no.
Yes, well, no.
I didn't really expect that you would have yet.
I mean, this is not a decision you can make lightly.
Burt, what it is, is I'm confused.
I've loved you more than anything, you know that.
But when you told me that you killed Johnny No, it's not kill.
Not really kill.
I didn't really kill him.
It's true he ended up dead, so it looks that way.
I've tried thinking about it, but I can't.
It's too huge.
I've tried figuring out how I feel, but I can't.
I don't know.
I mean, I have no frame of reference for this.
I've read "Dear Abby" all my life, but never, ever once have I come across anything similar.
Yeah, well, I guess I wouldn't be surprised.
And it's not like I can call a friend either, you know, and say, "What did you do when your husband?" No, yes, no, Mare.
No, I know.
I know what you mean.
I know you.
I know you're not really a killer.
I'm not, Mary, I'm not a killer.
A pusher-off-the-ledge maybe, but a killer, no.
I know that, I know that.
But still, it's happened.
[.]
And for now, it seems to have made some sort of difference.
I love you.
I've always loved you.
And I don't know if it will always make a difference but for now, it has.
Oh, yeah, well, I see.
Bye.
Burt? Hey, Mare, Mare.
Wait, Mare, wait.
Wait a minute, Mare.
No, see, it's okay.
I understand.
And I'm fine.
Really, I'm terrific.
I'm okay.
I mean, I don't want any pity.
I'm a grownup.
I can take care of myself.
I can function.
And I'm fine.
I'm really gonna be fine.
And someday, if you want me back, you'll take me back because you love me, not because you pity me.
So don't worry about me.
I'll see you, kiddo.
Maybe we could try.
What? What was that? Us.
We could try and see what happens.
You mean together? Here? Yeah, okay.
Okay.
I guess this means I should tell the cab to go.
Okay.
Okay.
I gotta tell the cab to go.
[.]
[HUMMING.]
How come I'm humming and you're slamming things around? You don't know? Because of last night, hm? Because of what I did last night.
Well, I did it too, but I'm not angry.
But I'm gay.
That's debatable.
For 25 years, I'm gay.
Suddenly a girl comes on a little bit, I'm in bed with her.
You're a floozy.
It's not like I had much of a chance.
I mean, you get us one room with a queen-size bed, and I sincerely hope no pun was intended.
And then you cry.
Listen, Jodie, I didn't exactly have to get you drunk and tie you up.
I'm sorry it was so awful.
Carol, it wasn't awful.
Wasn't even unpleasant.
Matter of fact, if I had known it was like that in high school, I might have gone to the prom.
I mean, what does this make me? Imagine how confused my hormones are.
"What the heck is he doing now? That's a girl, for God sakes.
" Carol, I'm sorry.
What's got me upset about this whole thing is, what's gonna happen to us? What do you mean, what's gonna happen to us? How are you gonna feel if I don't sleep with you again? You're not gonna sleep with me again? No.
Why? Carol, all my life, I've lived a certain way.
And I don't want to change.
But I love you and I want you to be my friend.
And what I'm afraid of is that if I don't sleep with you again, you won't be my friend anymore.
Jodie.
I love you.
I'll always be your friend.
You think I just want you for your body? Oh, my God, do you know how many guys have said that to me? [.]
You're terrific.
So are you.
[.]
[YAWNS.]
Oh, Benson, I need strong coffee.
I was so worried about the trial, I didn't sleep a wink last night.
Me neither.
You were up worrying too? Yeah.
Oh, I wish I had known.
Yeah? Sure.
I would have had someone to talk to.
I wish I had known too.
Mm? Because that would have put me to sleep.
Benson.
You know, I hate not sleeping.
It panics me.
I keep looking at the clock, thinking that even if I fall asleep right now, it still won't be enough.
I tried that exercise where you relax your whole body, starting with your toes.
Worked out great.
My feet fell asleep and my head stayed up.
Oh, God, I'm exhausted.
I was up all night worried sick about Mother.
You too? Were you up? And Benson.
Well, why didn't you call? I nearly went crazy.
I tossed and turned so much, I ripped the sheets.
Wonderful.
Dead tired, I gotta change sheets.
What a night.
What a night.
Not one wink of sleep.
Were you up worrying too, Grandpa? Of course I worried.
Did you hear how close that mortar fire was? Good morning, everyone.
Good morning, darling.
Darling, you look tired.
Didn't you sleep well? I didn't sleep.
You didn't? You did? Like a hog.
Jessica, you mean like a log.
Oh, Chester, logs don't sleep.
Good morning, Benson.
Good morning, Mrs.
Tate.
Jessica, how could you sleep? Weren't you worried? About what? The jury goes out today.
Out where? To decide on a verdict, Jessica.
Oh, that.
Oh, don't be silly, Chester.
There's nothing to worry about.
Hey, when did Corinne get back? JESSICA: What? Corinne, Corinne.
She's back.
Where? Upstairs.
I went into her room and there she was, asleep.
JESSICA: Oh [.]
I never thought I'd ever see your head on that pillow again.
Ma? I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm really, really sorry.
Oh, there's nothing to be sorry about.
Oh, yes, there is.
All my life, you've been wonderful to me and what do I do? I spit in your face.
I don't remember that.
No, Mom, I mean, I did a terrible thing to you.
No, you didn't.
You didn't do anything anybody else wouldn't have done.
I had to find out.
When I heard that she was my real mother, I had to go to her.
I had to be with her because she was my mother and I thought that was important.
But I found out something.
What? I found out that your mother isn't the woman who gave you her genes, but the woman who gave you her love.
I had to go live with her just to find out that I belong right here with you.
Welcome home, Corinne.
I love you, Ma.
Oh [.]
Benson.
[VIDEO GAME CHIRPING.]
Will you stop that infernal game? It's driving me crazy.
Stop that.
Corinne will be right down.
She's just getting dressed.
Oh, good.
It's a good omen.
Corinne's coming home is a good omen.
God knows we can use a few of those around here.
[CHIRPING.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
JESSICA: Uh Yeah, I know.
I know.
Where is she? Listen, Sven, we got enough trouble here.
Where is Corinne? I've come to take her home.
Sorry, but she is already home.
Ha! Let's go.
Get your hands off me, you jerk.
I'm not leaving till Corinne is with me.
I think that we will leave that decision up to Corinne.
Is that Ingrid Bergman? Corinne, it was a silly fight.
I've come to take you home.
I'm not going.
Oh, come on, Corinne.
Let bygones be bygones.
I want to stay here.
I know you're my real mother and I'm sorry if I've hurt you.
But this is my home.
I think you should leave now.
Well, you haven't seen the last of me.
Just wait, all of you.
You think I'm finish? No, Swedish.
I'm not done with you.
I have plans, plans you can't even begin to imagine.
And horrors in store you would never dream of.
Just wait.
Just you wait, you jerks.
Ha! If this family doesn't have trouble enough, we have a curse put on us by a Swedish witch.
What else could go wrong? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
She's back.
I'm not getting it.
Chester Tate? You know I'm Chester Tate, you idiot.
What is it? I have here a federal warrant for your arrest.
It was brought by the Securities Exchange Commission on stock fraud and manipulation.
I know it comes at a bad time.
But I've managed to pull a few strings so that you could make bail and be at your wife's murder trial before the jury goes out.
Oh.
Bet you kids are gonna be lonely around here though, come the holidays.
Well, have a nice day.
[.]
And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, on examination of the evidence that the prosecution has presented, one could consider it substantial.
But after knowing the defendant, the evidence appears flimsy and inconsequential.
[LAUGHS.]
For we have before us, ladies and gentlemen, one of the most enchanting, open, honest and good-hearted souls on this Earth.
Oh, where? And humble, ladies and gentlemen.
Humble and good and kind and generous and loving.
A person who I'm truly proud to say I'm a better man for having met.
Ladies and gentleman, I speak of Jessica Tate.
Oh, Mr.
Mallu.
Don't listen to him.
Jessica Tate, ladies and gentlemen, is incapable, incapable of hurting anyone, let alone taking a life.
Well, now, Mr.
Mallu, I wouldn't say that.
Once when I was 6, I shoved my sister, Mary, out of the tree to see if she could fly.
She couldn't.
In point of fact, it was nearly eight weeks before she could walk again.
See, her honesty, I don't have to mention.
You've heard it for yourself.
I have nothing further to say.
The best proof is right here before you.
Thank you.
[SNORING.]
Psst! Your Honour.
Judge? He's done.
Mm? Huh? Oh! Yes.
Well, thank you very much for your summation, Mr.
Mallu.
It was very nice.
Long, but nice.
My instructions to the jury are going to be brief.
Since this is a capital crime, let me remind you that, if the verdict is guilty, there should be no reasonable doubt.
You will be sequestered in your hotel until you reach a verdict.
Now, please remember, you are to discuss this case only amongst yourselves.
And, please, don't take the hotel towels.
Try not to be prejudiced by some of this bizarre behaviour you have heard here.
The defendant is on trial, not her family.
You will never take her.
You will never take my daughter.
Don't anybody move.
We're going to join the Resistance.
We're going to the mountains.
Oh, Daddy, at this time of year? Stop it, somebody.
I'll take care of it, Your Honour.
Major, put the gun Quiet, colonel.
All right, now everybody stand back.
Daddy.
It's me, Mary.
Please don't do this.
Sit down, everybody.
You too.
Now, you.
Beagle face.
I'm taking you hostage.
[VOICE CRACKS.]
Me? Come on, come on.
Get over there.
I'm taking you to the hills.
I'll teach you to insult this family, Mr.
Nasty.
I love this family.
This is just a game we play.
It's Who Can Be the Nastiest? Shut up, beagle face.
Major.
Halt.
Give me the gun.
Stand back.
Come on, Major, give me the gun, give me the gun.
He doesn't use bullets.
If you're gonna do this sort of thing, plan it right.
Arrest that man.
Oh, Your Honour, what for? I mean, a little contempt of court, maybe, but he didn't do anything wrong and he's harmless.
Harmless? He's under a doctor's care, Your Honour.
And besides, he got this way in the service of his country.
That would be no way to treat a war hero.
Oh, all right, all right.
Take him home.
Thank you.
Not you.
Not you, Mrs.
Tate.
Sit down.
Oh, I have had it with you.
Please, could you possibly make up your mind in a hurry? I mean, I cannot stand another day with this man.
Ah! [.]
ANNOUNCER: Now that Jodie and Carol have been more than just friends, will she settle for less? If Burt sends Mary a dozen red roses, will she forgive him for killing her first husband, or is she really ticked off this time? Will the jury come back with a verdict of innocent? Will the jury come back with a verdict of guilty? Will the jury come back? These questions, and many others, will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
[.]
Soap is videotaped in front of a studio audience.
[.]
Corinne surprised Ingrid by walking out on her.
Burt really surprised Mary by telling her he killed her first husband.
And speaking of surprises, Mrs.
Fine, the surprise witness, surprised everyone by testifying that she heard Jessica threaten to kill Peter Campbell.
Surprised? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
[.]
This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
These are the Tates.
And these are the Campbells.
And this is Soap.
[.]
You son of a Go! JESSICA: Boys.
Boys.
[.]
JODIE: Damn it.
What are you doing? I'm gonna sleep in the bathtub.
All right, all right.
I won't do it anymore.
I promise.
I don't know what's with you, Carol.
I mean, we agree we're coming up here as friends, huh? Then you tell me that you've rented a two-bedroom cottage.
We get here, one room, one bed.
And knowing I'm gay, you're absolutely amazed when I don't turn out to be Burt Reynolds.
I thought you'd be different here.
Away from everything, in the country, all this clean air.
Clean air? Carol, I'm a homosexual, not an asthmatic.
[SNIFFLES.]
Carol, are you crying? You hate me.
I don't hate you.
Yes, you do.
Carol, I don't hate you.
Please stop crying.
I can't help it.
I really want you, and you hate me.
Carol, I don't hate you.
Stop crying.
And now you're gonna hate me even more because I can't stop crying.
Carol, I don't hate you.
I could never hate you.
I meant well.
I really meant well.
Oh, okay, come here.
Come on.
Carol, come here, now.
Come on, stop cry Carol, come here.
Just stop crying, okay? Come on.
Now stop.
All right? Okay.
It's all right, it's all right.
[.]
But, Ma, Dad was a gangster.
Burt said he had a gun on his ribs and he was gonna shoot him.
Ma, he had no choice.
He pushed him off that ledge in self-defence.
For God's sake, Ma.
It was my father that got killed and I forgive him.
Danny, I just don't know.
I mean, I loved your father.
And now to find out that Burt killed him? It's not like he forgot our anniversary and I'm a little miffed.
Well, he's gonna be home soon.
What are you gonna do? I don't know.
I mean, I've done a lot of thinking about it.
But every time I sit down to think about it, I can't believe what it is I am actually sitting down to think about.
My second husband killed my first husband.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
What is it with you? You got a thing for killers? Hey, were you eavesdropping? [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
No.
It was him.
Yeah, it was me.
Listen, play your cards right and I'll get you a date with Dirty Harry.
[SNEEZES.]
Bless you.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hey, I think it's him.
Hi.
Hey, how you doing? All right.
Hey, Dad.
Hey.
How you doing, Chuck, Bob? Hi, you killer.
No, Bob, come on.
Welcome home.
So how's things? Hi, Mare.
Hi.
You're home.
Yeah.
Mare, ahem, should I, uh? Should I put this down? Oh, yes.
Of course.
Yes.
Yes.
Uh, Mare, ahem, you probably haven't yet I mean, I don't know.
But did you make any kind of decision about things? Decision? Oh, a decision.
You mean about you? Whether you want to stay married to a killer.
No.
No, I haven't.
Yeah, well, no.
Yes, well, no.
I didn't really expect that you would have yet.
I mean, this is not a decision you can make lightly.
Burt, what it is, is I'm confused.
I've loved you more than anything, you know that.
But when you told me that you killed Johnny No, it's not kill.
Not really kill.
I didn't really kill him.
It's true he ended up dead, so it looks that way.
I've tried thinking about it, but I can't.
It's too huge.
I've tried figuring out how I feel, but I can't.
I don't know.
I mean, I have no frame of reference for this.
I've read "Dear Abby" all my life, but never, ever once have I come across anything similar.
Yeah, well, I guess I wouldn't be surprised.
And it's not like I can call a friend either, you know, and say, "What did you do when your husband?" No, yes, no, Mare.
No, I know.
I know what you mean.
I know you.
I know you're not really a killer.
I'm not, Mary, I'm not a killer.
A pusher-off-the-ledge maybe, but a killer, no.
I know that, I know that.
But still, it's happened.
[.]
And for now, it seems to have made some sort of difference.
I love you.
I've always loved you.
And I don't know if it will always make a difference but for now, it has.
Oh, yeah, well, I see.
Bye.
Burt? Hey, Mare, Mare.
Wait, Mare, wait.
Wait a minute, Mare.
No, see, it's okay.
I understand.
And I'm fine.
Really, I'm terrific.
I'm okay.
I mean, I don't want any pity.
I'm a grownup.
I can take care of myself.
I can function.
And I'm fine.
I'm really gonna be fine.
And someday, if you want me back, you'll take me back because you love me, not because you pity me.
So don't worry about me.
I'll see you, kiddo.
Maybe we could try.
What? What was that? Us.
We could try and see what happens.
You mean together? Here? Yeah, okay.
Okay.
I guess this means I should tell the cab to go.
Okay.
Okay.
I gotta tell the cab to go.
[.]
[HUMMING.]
How come I'm humming and you're slamming things around? You don't know? Because of last night, hm? Because of what I did last night.
Well, I did it too, but I'm not angry.
But I'm gay.
That's debatable.
For 25 years, I'm gay.
Suddenly a girl comes on a little bit, I'm in bed with her.
You're a floozy.
It's not like I had much of a chance.
I mean, you get us one room with a queen-size bed, and I sincerely hope no pun was intended.
And then you cry.
Listen, Jodie, I didn't exactly have to get you drunk and tie you up.
I'm sorry it was so awful.
Carol, it wasn't awful.
Wasn't even unpleasant.
Matter of fact, if I had known it was like that in high school, I might have gone to the prom.
I mean, what does this make me? Imagine how confused my hormones are.
"What the heck is he doing now? That's a girl, for God sakes.
" Carol, I'm sorry.
What's got me upset about this whole thing is, what's gonna happen to us? What do you mean, what's gonna happen to us? How are you gonna feel if I don't sleep with you again? You're not gonna sleep with me again? No.
Why? Carol, all my life, I've lived a certain way.
And I don't want to change.
But I love you and I want you to be my friend.
And what I'm afraid of is that if I don't sleep with you again, you won't be my friend anymore.
Jodie.
I love you.
I'll always be your friend.
You think I just want you for your body? Oh, my God, do you know how many guys have said that to me? [.]
You're terrific.
So are you.
[.]
[YAWNS.]
Oh, Benson, I need strong coffee.
I was so worried about the trial, I didn't sleep a wink last night.
Me neither.
You were up worrying too? Yeah.
Oh, I wish I had known.
Yeah? Sure.
I would have had someone to talk to.
I wish I had known too.
Mm? Because that would have put me to sleep.
Benson.
You know, I hate not sleeping.
It panics me.
I keep looking at the clock, thinking that even if I fall asleep right now, it still won't be enough.
I tried that exercise where you relax your whole body, starting with your toes.
Worked out great.
My feet fell asleep and my head stayed up.
Oh, God, I'm exhausted.
I was up all night worried sick about Mother.
You too? Were you up? And Benson.
Well, why didn't you call? I nearly went crazy.
I tossed and turned so much, I ripped the sheets.
Wonderful.
Dead tired, I gotta change sheets.
What a night.
What a night.
Not one wink of sleep.
Were you up worrying too, Grandpa? Of course I worried.
Did you hear how close that mortar fire was? Good morning, everyone.
Good morning, darling.
Darling, you look tired.
Didn't you sleep well? I didn't sleep.
You didn't? You did? Like a hog.
Jessica, you mean like a log.
Oh, Chester, logs don't sleep.
Good morning, Benson.
Good morning, Mrs.
Tate.
Jessica, how could you sleep? Weren't you worried? About what? The jury goes out today.
Out where? To decide on a verdict, Jessica.
Oh, that.
Oh, don't be silly, Chester.
There's nothing to worry about.
Hey, when did Corinne get back? JESSICA: What? Corinne, Corinne.
She's back.
Where? Upstairs.
I went into her room and there she was, asleep.
JESSICA: Oh [.]
I never thought I'd ever see your head on that pillow again.
Ma? I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm really, really sorry.
Oh, there's nothing to be sorry about.
Oh, yes, there is.
All my life, you've been wonderful to me and what do I do? I spit in your face.
I don't remember that.
No, Mom, I mean, I did a terrible thing to you.
No, you didn't.
You didn't do anything anybody else wouldn't have done.
I had to find out.
When I heard that she was my real mother, I had to go to her.
I had to be with her because she was my mother and I thought that was important.
But I found out something.
What? I found out that your mother isn't the woman who gave you her genes, but the woman who gave you her love.
I had to go live with her just to find out that I belong right here with you.
Welcome home, Corinne.
I love you, Ma.
Oh [.]
Benson.
[VIDEO GAME CHIRPING.]
Will you stop that infernal game? It's driving me crazy.
Stop that.
Corinne will be right down.
She's just getting dressed.
Oh, good.
It's a good omen.
Corinne's coming home is a good omen.
God knows we can use a few of those around here.
[CHIRPING.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
JESSICA: Uh Yeah, I know.
I know.
Where is she? Listen, Sven, we got enough trouble here.
Where is Corinne? I've come to take her home.
Sorry, but she is already home.
Ha! Let's go.
Get your hands off me, you jerk.
I'm not leaving till Corinne is with me.
I think that we will leave that decision up to Corinne.
Is that Ingrid Bergman? Corinne, it was a silly fight.
I've come to take you home.
I'm not going.
Oh, come on, Corinne.
Let bygones be bygones.
I want to stay here.
I know you're my real mother and I'm sorry if I've hurt you.
But this is my home.
I think you should leave now.
Well, you haven't seen the last of me.
Just wait, all of you.
You think I'm finish? No, Swedish.
I'm not done with you.
I have plans, plans you can't even begin to imagine.
And horrors in store you would never dream of.
Just wait.
Just you wait, you jerks.
Ha! If this family doesn't have trouble enough, we have a curse put on us by a Swedish witch.
What else could go wrong? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
She's back.
I'm not getting it.
Chester Tate? You know I'm Chester Tate, you idiot.
What is it? I have here a federal warrant for your arrest.
It was brought by the Securities Exchange Commission on stock fraud and manipulation.
I know it comes at a bad time.
But I've managed to pull a few strings so that you could make bail and be at your wife's murder trial before the jury goes out.
Oh.
Bet you kids are gonna be lonely around here though, come the holidays.
Well, have a nice day.
[.]
And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, on examination of the evidence that the prosecution has presented, one could consider it substantial.
But after knowing the defendant, the evidence appears flimsy and inconsequential.
[LAUGHS.]
For we have before us, ladies and gentlemen, one of the most enchanting, open, honest and good-hearted souls on this Earth.
Oh, where? And humble, ladies and gentlemen.
Humble and good and kind and generous and loving.
A person who I'm truly proud to say I'm a better man for having met.
Ladies and gentleman, I speak of Jessica Tate.
Oh, Mr.
Mallu.
Don't listen to him.
Jessica Tate, ladies and gentlemen, is incapable, incapable of hurting anyone, let alone taking a life.
Well, now, Mr.
Mallu, I wouldn't say that.
Once when I was 6, I shoved my sister, Mary, out of the tree to see if she could fly.
She couldn't.
In point of fact, it was nearly eight weeks before she could walk again.
See, her honesty, I don't have to mention.
You've heard it for yourself.
I have nothing further to say.
The best proof is right here before you.
Thank you.
[SNORING.]
Psst! Your Honour.
Judge? He's done.
Mm? Huh? Oh! Yes.
Well, thank you very much for your summation, Mr.
Mallu.
It was very nice.
Long, but nice.
My instructions to the jury are going to be brief.
Since this is a capital crime, let me remind you that, if the verdict is guilty, there should be no reasonable doubt.
You will be sequestered in your hotel until you reach a verdict.
Now, please remember, you are to discuss this case only amongst yourselves.
And, please, don't take the hotel towels.
Try not to be prejudiced by some of this bizarre behaviour you have heard here.
The defendant is on trial, not her family.
You will never take her.
You will never take my daughter.
Don't anybody move.
We're going to join the Resistance.
We're going to the mountains.
Oh, Daddy, at this time of year? Stop it, somebody.
I'll take care of it, Your Honour.
Major, put the gun Quiet, colonel.
All right, now everybody stand back.
Daddy.
It's me, Mary.
Please don't do this.
Sit down, everybody.
You too.
Now, you.
Beagle face.
I'm taking you hostage.
[VOICE CRACKS.]
Me? Come on, come on.
Get over there.
I'm taking you to the hills.
I'll teach you to insult this family, Mr.
Nasty.
I love this family.
This is just a game we play.
It's Who Can Be the Nastiest? Shut up, beagle face.
Major.
Halt.
Give me the gun.
Stand back.
Come on, Major, give me the gun, give me the gun.
He doesn't use bullets.
If you're gonna do this sort of thing, plan it right.
Arrest that man.
Oh, Your Honour, what for? I mean, a little contempt of court, maybe, but he didn't do anything wrong and he's harmless.
Harmless? He's under a doctor's care, Your Honour.
And besides, he got this way in the service of his country.
That would be no way to treat a war hero.
Oh, all right, all right.
Take him home.
Thank you.
Not you.
Not you, Mrs.
Tate.
Sit down.
Oh, I have had it with you.
Please, could you possibly make up your mind in a hurry? I mean, I cannot stand another day with this man.
Ah! [.]
ANNOUNCER: Now that Jodie and Carol have been more than just friends, will she settle for less? If Burt sends Mary a dozen red roses, will she forgive him for killing her first husband, or is she really ticked off this time? Will the jury come back with a verdict of innocent? Will the jury come back with a verdict of guilty? Will the jury come back? These questions, and many others, will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
[.]
Soap is videotaped in front of a studio audience.
[.]