The Addams Family (1964) s01e24 Episode Script

All right, sailor, pass the powder and grape shot and we'll rake her fore and aft! No.
Hey, you mutinous dog.
I'll have you quartered.
Flogged and keelhauled.
- On the double! - No.
Come on, Fester, be a good sport.
I'm tired of being Benedict Arnold and Jesse James and John Wilkes Booth.
I'm tired of being a good sport.
All right.
If you want to be childish.
Ahoy, my beloved.
Time for another great moment in Addams history.
Will it take long, darling? I want to have these traps ready by tonight.
Only a moment, chérie.
But what a moment! It was seven bells on that fateful night in the North Atlantic.
A fierce sou'wester was howling through the rigging, as Admiral John Paul Addams drove his stout little frigate straight into the heart of the German flotilla.
Foaming up at his stern at flank speed was Admiral Tojo and the imperial fleet.
Oh, Gomez, I never tire of this one.
It was then Admiral Addams fired that shot heard round the world after uttering those inspired words, "If you need me, I'll be in my cabin.
" Man the pumps, scuttle the bilge, abandon ship.
And get a wrench.
You've wrecked the plumbing again.
I do it every time.
You can take your finger out of the pipe, Fester.
I shut it off at the main.
It could've happened to anybody.
Not to an Addams.
That's four times in a row.
From now on the children mix the gunpowder.
Pretty soon I'll be nobody around here.
I'm going up to my closet.
What's bothering him? Perhaps I was too sharp with him.
Oh, darling, he'll get over it.
Uncle Fester just isn't too practical.
I may as well go upstairs and call the plumber.
Darling, who's being impractical now? Why don't I call that nice Mr.
Beesley, our insurance man, and let him take care of everything? I don't think we better bother him again.
Bother him? Darling, you know how excited he gets every time we call.
I'm sure he'd be terribly hurt if we didn't get in touch with him.
Come along.
One more telephone call from Addams and I am going to kill you, Beesley.
Three big claims paid on this policy in one year.
So just one more policy like that and Excelso-Fidelity Insurance will pull our franchise.
Arthur J.
Henson, President, speaking.
Hello, Mr.
President.
This is Mrs.
Addams.
A very unusual thing just happened in our playroom.
Admiral Addams Well, actually it was Uncle Fester.
You see, they hanged Admiral Addams Well, he accidentally got just a pinch too much sulfur in the gunpowder, so that when he fired the cannon, it hit a water pipe.
A broken water pipe? My I will not pay another I've only He's charming, but he seems rather confused.
- Lf you'll permit me, my dear.
- Yes, darling.
- Do you understand? Not one more claim.
- Thank you.
This is Gomez Addams.
What seems to be your problem? Now get this through your thick head, Addams.
We're not paying you one more cent and that is final! Come, come, Henson.
You don't really expect me to jump at your first offer? Oh, you want a better offer? Well, go jump in the lake.
The fourth claim cancels out the policy.
Hey, hang on a minute.
- What are you saying? - Here, in the small print.
If we pay off on the tiny claim, we're through with him and we're out cheap.
Hello, Mr.
Addams.
We'll play along with you on this.
Your check will be in the next mail.
Well, that was a letdown.
I merely stated my position with impeccable logic and the poor devil caved in.
Darling, you tend to underestimate yourself.
I suppose so.
I've often wondered what would happen if I turned myself loose on the world.
Gomez, the world just isn't ready for you yet.
Did my new cannon get here yet? Darling, we're going to have to tell him.
Uncle Fester, I regret to tell you that we're going to have to punish you.
You've been spending altogether too much money.
Fester, you won't see another penny of your allowance until 1986.
- You know what that means, don't you? - No.
Not another shot do you fire in this house until you make it up.
You've been whittling me down around here little by little.
- But this broke the camel's back! - It's for your own good.
I'm old enough to know what's for my own good.
From now on I'm gonna watch out for myself.
I'll get a job.
"Wanted.
Army Space Program.
"Test pilot prepared to travel extensively.
" No.
I don't like army food.
"Be your own boss.
Are you young and ambitious? "Highest commission paid to dynamic salesmen.
"Must be clean-cut, personable, fast-talker, "conservative dresser, magnetic.
"Apply.
Arthur J.
Henson Insurance Agency.
" Oh, boy.
That's me! Are you sure you want to see Mr.
Beesley? Oh, yes.
He's looking for me.
Well, go on in.
Thank you.
You can fill out your hospitalization claim with my secretary.
Oh, but I feel fine.
And dynamic and aggressive.
- I'm your new salesman.
- No, there's some mistake.
No, those things you said in your ad, that's me.
No.
You have to have previous experience.
Oh, I've had plenty of previous experience.
I held the same job for 37 years.
- Selling? - No.
Public relations.
Yeah.
My father paid me to keep out of public.
Of course, when he died I retired.
Look, I'm on a very tight schedule.
If you'll just leave.
Oh, but I'm a great salesman.
I'm magnetic.
Watch.
And I'm a live wire, too.
Go ahead.
Sell anything you like.
- Oh, good.
Can I have a sales kit? - Take it.
- Get out of my sight.
- Just like dear old Dad.
Good shot, querida.
That's the third bird we've lost today.
Must be the nesting season, my dove.
- Uncle Fester.
What's wrong? - I tried.
I knocked on every door in my territory.
I was dynamic.
I was personable, charming, and magnetic.
But it wasn't any use.
Oh, my career is ruined.
I'm all washed-up.
I have a feeling all's not well with Fester.
It's hard to tell.
He puts up such a brave front.
Oh, yes.
Oh, Uncle Fester, dear.
How can you expect to lose a headache with a hot water bottle that isn't even hot? Nothing will help.
Oh, Lurch.
Put it over there, please.
And Lurch, would you fill this up? And make sure the water is nice and scalding.
That'll be all, Lurch.
Now, Uncle Fester.
Sit up.
You'll feel a lot better after a nice hot cup of buzzard broth.
No, I couldn't even get a sip down.
But I have a surprise for you for lunch.
Guess.
Gopherloaf.
Oh, I know what you're trying to do.
But it's no use.
Just leave me in my pain.
Gomez, I'm frightened.
Even when he got caught in the tunnel of love he didn't turn down his gopherloaf.
I know.
He thinks he's a failure.
Something has to be done about it.
Tish, go downstairs and keep the children away.
All right, you lily-livered goldbrick! Are you going to lie there sniveling on that nice warm bed of nails? Or are you going to get up and fight like an Addams? Well, if it's all the same with you, I'd rather lie here and snivel.
When a pilot crashes what does he do? He gets right back into that crate and up into the wild blue yonder again.
And when a lion tamer gets ripped up, does he snivel? Does he quit? Not always.
And that's what you're going to do, Fester.
You're going to get up off that bed.
On your feet.
- Now sell your policy.
- Oh, golly, Gomez.
Fester, the Addams spirit! Good afternoon, sir.
Or madam, as the case may be.
I am your friendly, smiling insurance advisor, come to help you with your problem.
- Well, go on, Fester.
The rest of it.
- This is as far as I ever got.
I find that hard to believe.
Your presentation was sharp, pithy, to the point.
I've got it.
I'll be the salesman and you be the customer.
Now, we'll make this as real as possible.
And you give me all the answers that you get.
And I'll show you how to handle them.
All right? Now, here we go.
- Good morning, sir.
- I'll buy it.
I simply can't resist a sales pitch.
You have got to give me the answers that you get.
All right, now.
We'll start from the beginning.
All right? I'll even go outside.
There's nobody home.
- Good morning, sir.
- Get lost! I'm your friendly, smiling insurance man.
Beat it or I'll put the dog on you.
I think I've got my sights on your problem.
If something happened to you, what would become of your loved ones? Those creeps? Now, Plan A gives you the maximum coverage with the minimum expense.
Will you stop bothering me? It contains total disability, hospitalization, funeral expenses, multiple casualties, plus a tax deduction and an easy payment plan.
By george, Fester, that's an attractive policy.
I think I'll take it myself.
There we are.
Congratulations, old boy.
You broke the ice.
You've just made a million-dollar sale, plus a lovely sales commission.
- I did? - Yep.
There it is.
Signed, sealed and delivered.
I told you I'd be a success.
A million-dollar policy to Gomez Addams.
- He was a pushover.
- You imbecile.
Don't panic.
I've never seen a policy yet that Arthur J.
Henson couldn't wiggle out of.
In the first place, that contract is worthless until it has been notarized in the presence of two witnesses.
Like it said in the sales kit, that's the first thing I had done.
Look on the bright side, Arthur.
It's a whopping premium.
Premium.
Premium.
That's it! Don't accept the check.
Tear it up, burn it.
Paid in full.
Cash.
Solid gold doubloons.
Well, if everything's under control, I'll get cracking again.
Out! Out! Out! Gotcha, AJ.
There now, Lurch.
You see what a bit of poison ivy can do for a cannon? Very cheerful.
As long as Uncle Fester paid for it himself, I'd like to make it look as nice as possible.
Lurch.
Attendez.
I've come to save you some money, Mr.
Addams.
No.
I'm the butler.
Follow me.
I'm Arthur J.
Henson, President of the Arthur J.
Henson Agency.
- Dear lady.
You must be Mrs.
Addams.
- Yes.
I'm Arthur J.
Henson.
This is Beesley.
- Charmed.
Won't you be seated? - Oh, thank you.
She seems okay.
You can stop worrying.
Mrs.
Addams, we'd like to talk to your husband.
Oh, I'm sorry, he's out jumping.
If you'd care to wait? - Jumping? - Yes.
From about 20,000 feet.
But he still has his parachute.
Still? Yes.
You see, he has this theory.
I'm not quite sure that I understand it.
But he hopes to prove that if a jumper jumps using a smaller chute each time, eventually he'll need no chute at all.
Well, how far along is he? He said he'd have it figured out one way or another by the end of this week.
- Can I start worrying now? - Worry.
Worry.
Just a pinch more sulfur, children.
High explosives are a tradition in the Addams family.
But only here in the house, of course.
My husband frets so about the children.
Wouldn't dream of taking them on safari.
Safari? Africa? Lions, tigers, crocodiles? Oh, nothing so adventurous.
He just takes them to India and they poke around looking for cobras.
You rang? Teatime, Lurch.
You gentleman will stay, of course? We have something extra special today.
Scorpion pâté on fresh toadstools with just gobs of divine belladonna sauce.
Mama's secret mix.
Surely you're not going to serve that to our client, I mean, your husband? Oh, I suppose I do baby him.
I'm back.
- How did it go, dear? - Oh, marvelously.
All except the last two feet, and they were impossible.
Dear, this is Mr.
Henson and Mr.
Beesley from the insurance company.
How do you do? - Good to see you, old boy.
- Yes.
Mr.
Addams, I'm going to let you off the hook.
Out of the kindness of my heart I am willing to cancel your policy.
Refund his premium.
Dear, I thought we'd seen the last of those dust collectors.
Wait a minute.
Did you say cancel the policy? But why? Well, because the policy doesn't make sense.
Things like this.
"Double indemnity for flogging by carnivorous plant.
Gunpowder burns.
"Being bitten by an enraged rug.
" Good old Fester.
He gave me complete coverage.
Yes, darling.
It's very sweet of you gentlemen to be worried about us, but Would you excuse us a moment? Darling.
Darling, you simply can't cancel that policy.
Think of Uncle Fester.
He'd be crushed.
You're right, querida.
Henson, I've changed my mind.
- I want to double that policy.
- No! No! No! In the first place, the addlepated nitwit who sold you the policy doesn't even represent us.
Frankly, I don't know how you could have been taken in by such a moronic goofball.
Well, here I am.
Hello, HB.
AJ.
MA.
GA.
Hello, Uncle Fester.
Uncle Fester? Splendid news.
You've just sold another million-dollar policy.
I did? By golly, you were right.
I didn't need that sales kit after all.
Well, I'm gonna go up to my room.
Got to unwind.
Go, go, go! Perfect, children! Well, I'm not gonna take this lying down.
Excelso? Henson.
Put me on the hot line.
This is a red alert.
Hello, Chief? I want to report a big swindle.
Two million dollars.
Addams, Gomez.
That's right.
Two D's.
How did you know? He is? He does? We do? You are? I am? I see.
Addams here.
I do? I am? I can? I will.
It completely slipped my mind that I own controlling interests in Excelso Corporation.
The president, what's his name, just urged me to take a more active interest and make a few decisions.
- Darling, why don't you? - Very well.
Beesley, I like the cut of your jib.
You recognized Uncle Fester's ability, and that means something to me.
From now on you're my number one boy.
Henson, you'll render all possible assistance to your new boss.
Thank you, Lurch.
Tea, gentlemen? I'm afraid not, Mrs.
Addams.
It's been delightful.
Come on, Henson.
Get cracking.
Darling, I think you made the right decision.
The best since I put Winthrop in charge of Addams Motors.
Remember? He took a failing company and in three months ran it into bankruptcy.
Dear, you could have done it in one month.
Oh, Fester.
How would you like to be vice-president or chairman of the board or something? There's no challenge anymore.
I'm just gonna retire and play with my cannon.
Watch this.
Oh, dear, quick.
Call the insurance man.
Oh, no.
I'm through paying these ridiculous claims.
Fester, you're paying for this one yourself.
Gladly.
I have a brand new personal policy.
- Oh? On what company? - Yours.
Foiled again.