Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e25 Episode Script

# Daring duck of mystery # Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows # Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes # But his number's up Three.
two.
one # Darkwing Duck # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck Let's get dangerous.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck! # Cloud of smoke and he appears # A master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind # That shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure # But bad guys are out of luck.
'cause here comes - # Darkwing Duck - # Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out.
you bad boys # Darkwing Duck Take a letter.
Maria.
"To Mr.
Numero Uno, care of St.
Canard Minimum Security Prison.
" "Dear Mr.
Numero Uno: Sorry about your conviction on tax evasion charges.
Um" "But you still need to pay us for your defense.
Now! "Love," etcetera, etcetera.
(telephone rings) Shyster and Loophole, tax attorneys.
Could this be the Shyster and Loophole? - Not the tax attorneys? - Yes? - Oh.
sorry.
Must have the wrong number.
- (crash) I am the terror that flaps in the night.
I am the paper cut that ruins your morning.
I am Let me guess - you're Daycare Duck.
Gosalyn, Honker, I told you never to follow me to work.
There was nothing good on TV.
Just impressionable roller skaters I rescued from a burning sidewalk.
Ahem! Now, then, when did you last see Shyster and Loophole? Well, they were dictating a letter to Mr.
Uno when the phone rang.
You mean Numero Uno, the math genius serving two to four for evading taxes on his five-and-ten-cent stores 12 months ago? Why don't you run along and play, child whom I've never met before? Numero Uno, a convicted numbers criminal.
It all adds up to a vengeance motive to me.
Um, um, there's, uh, um Yes? Spit it out! A hoof print uh, prehistoric over there.
Prehistoric? You mean dinosaurs? In this day and age? Ha-ha-ha! Dinosaurs! This is obviously the work of fugitive Martian carnival geeks.
Charming, aren't they? Now, get along now, children.
Hey, wait! Aren't we gonna nail those alien dirt bags? I think that means no.
Prehistoric footprints? This could get me an A on my science project.
Darkwing Duck gets adventure.
What do I get? Homework! - Can we go home yet? - But we haven't run out of dinosaur prints.
Oh, come on, Honk.
- Dinosaurs are extinct.
- I know.
- I mean, they don't exist! - I know.
So, what are they? Dinosaur prints.
(woman.
over PA) This is your warden.
Thank you for not escaping.
Enjoy your stay at the St.
Canard Minimum Security Prison.
There's Numero Uno.
I'll just nab that nefarious lawyer-napper with the help of my new Elasto suspenders.
The soaring sleuth skillfully severs his suspender snaps.
So sever already.
Come on! Unfasten, snaps! Unbuckle! Off! Fore! Oh, how perfectly logical.
Dinosaur prints lead us to a natural history museum.
(chewing) Something tells me he's not our guy, Honk.
W-w-what was that? Maybe it's the lawyer-nappers! Oh, boy! It came from over there! Now we're on the right track.
Now we're on the right track.
Uno's days are numbered.
I can just land the Thunderquack, DW.
Don't bother, LP.
I'm gonna get these Elasto suspenders to work if it kills me.
Bronzed or burnt, Uno, you're coming with me.
Oh, dear, I am starting to burn.
Where's my 25 sunscreen? I'm done.
Um, um no lawyer-nappers around here.
Boy, people will leave their garbage anywhere.
Come on, Honk, let's recycle.
Oh.
Ah-ah So much for your live-dinosaur theory.
Ahchoo! He looks like a live one to me.
Phew! Excuse me.
Please! Sorry.
Come back! Pardon me.
I won't hurt you! Sorry.
Wait! Ooh! Oh, boy! Whoa! Phew! Oops.
Sorry.
Um, you're a Stegosaurus, aren't you? The plated lizard from the late Jurassic period? Gee, I don't know.
I used to be a janitor.
- Mondo! You talk! - Yeah.
My name's Stegmutt.
But my friends I mean, Dr.
Fossil calls me, well, Stegmutt.
Well, um, I-I'm Honker Muddlefoot, student of science.
Gosalyn Mallard, Martian hunter, freelance.
Wow! - Do you really hunt Martians? - Yeah.
Do you really whack Tyannosauruses upside the head with that awesome tail? That? No.
I just use it to open sodas.
Oh.
Bummer.
So, whatchu doing here? Museum's closed.
Well, um, I'm researching dinosaurs for my school science project.
Oh, boy, did you come to the right place! You wanna see a real science project? Hm? Uh, uh Sure! This time I've got just the thing to keep my feet on the ground.
I've got your number, Uno, and it is up! My.
(chuckles) I do believe I feel a draught.
(bell dings/crash) (Gosalyn) Hey, this is some pad! Uh, Dr.
Fossil? Well, it's about time, Stegmutt.
I was getting bored watching my talons grow.
Those aren't circus elephants.
Circus elephants juggle and wear funny hats.
I know that, Dr.
Fossil.
These are my new friends.
But I didn't ask for new friends.
I asked for circus elephants! Can I show my new friends your secret invention? Can I, huh? What secret invention? I don't see any secret invention.
Oh, good.
I'll be right back.
Stegmutt.
Secrets are things nobody else knows about.
This is Dr.
Fossil's retro-evolution gun.
And no secrets here.
Pardon moi.
Retro what-o? Ooh! Can I explain, Dr.
Fossil? - Can I? - No! It's great for reheating leftovers.
And it turns people into dinosaurs.
Ah! I'll show you.
Oops.
Sorry, Dr.
Fossil.
Stegmutt breaks a lot of handles.
I have to use oven mitts to hold my hot cocoa mug.
Don't worry, Dr.
Fossil.
I'll open it.
If his strength didn't come in so handy, I'd retro-evolve him to amoeba.
Well, my up-until-two-minutes-ago secret collection.
Nifty, huh? We've got ice-show penguins, rock musicians tax attorneys.
- Shyster and Loophole! - Yeah! - They're my friends, too.
- So, what's the point? The point, kiddo, is that I believe dinosaurs became extinct when a speeding comet - bam, boom! - whacked our planet.
The point is that the famous cleanser's comet is due to pass above us tonight! The point Uh, Stegmutt, have you left the bathroom light on again? Huh? Nope.
Well, make sure.
See, I keep Stegmutt in the dark on certain details.
He upsets easily.
Anyway, the point is tonight, with the help of the world's largest super-magnet, that comet's going to give us dinosaurs a second chance! Y-y-you mean bam, boom? You got it, shorty.
And dinosaurs'll trot through the tulips again! OK, you like dinosaurs.
But why do you have to wipe out mankind? Do you know how hard it is being a dinosaur in a man's world? I mean, the stares, the resentment.
All the people running in the street, screaming, "Look, look! It's Godzilla!" Um, w-wouldn't it just be easier to change yourself back into a man? Oh, a wisenheimer, huh? So, you think I'm funny.
You think I'm just here to amuse you, huh? Apparently, the rest of the world does, too.
T-shirts, bath toys, comic books! Chocolate-covered little sandwich cookies! We dinosaurs don't get any respect! - Where's my soda? - Never mind.
Now, get the retro gun.
I was expecting circus elephants, but a couple of smart kids will do just as well.
Oh! Say hi to those kids, Foss.
(alarm ringing) Well, 6:00.
Time to steal the world's largest super-magnet.
Bam! Boom! I still say Uno's our man.
A quick stop home to grab my x-ray goggles and extend-o stilts, and we'll be back in business.
I don't know, DW.
Maybe Honker was onto something.
You mean about dinosaurs? Don't be ridiculous.
Pardon me.
Do you know the way to Camp Canard? Huh? Oh, sure, pal.
A left at the next light, two rights, a U-turn and another left.
- Oh, boy.
Thanks! - Don't mention it.
Launchpad, did you see that? Yeah! That truck had expired plates.
I know.
But that's not what I meant.
That dinosaur just got directions from the wrong motorist.
(beep) Private Parking Space here.
Excuse me.
Is this the super-magnet bunker? Yes, sir.
Wait.
Let me get this straight.
The super-magnet? I mean the really.
really big one? Yes, sir.
Sorry.
Must have the wrong number.
There goes that prehistoric pilferer! (engine sputters) (coughs) Sorry, DW.
Forgot to gas up.
These skates and my own patented magnet gun will keep me onto him like a cheap suit.
Now, where's the on switch? (honking) Yikes! Phew! I almost broke the law.
(beeping) Oh, this radar shows Stegmutt's really cooking.
What what's this other blip? Oh, thank goodness it's not a threat.
(stammering) Yikes! Oh, boy.
Boy! Oh, boy.
I'm really onto him now.
Super-magnet plus comet equals bam, boom! Yikes! Suck gas, evildoer.
With my asthma? Are you kidding? Whoa! I'm back! Oh, boy, we're sure gonna have fun being dinosaurs together.
Not! Listen close, Stegmutt, Fossil's using that magnet to wipe out mankind! Dr.
Fossil wouldn't do that.
He's a smart man.
Oh, he was a smart man.
Now he's a screw-loose dinosaur.
Show him, Honk.
Um, the hypotenuse of a speeding comet times Earth squared divided by the ray of two million miles per minute equals (gulps) Bam, boom! And you know what that means - no more chocolate-covered sandwich cookies! (growls) We gotta stop that crazy dinosaur.
Had enough, Fossil? Darkwing! Stegmutt, why aren't those brats transformed yet? Unhand those children, bone-breath! Stegmutt's innocent! Don't hurt him! Don't think I'd hurt the little tyke.
Darkwing! Darkwing? I didn't mean to hurt him.
It was an accident.
Ah! Dinosaur! And a ridiculous one, at that.
Darkwing, is that you? Well, of course it's me.
My, what big feet I have.
Yikes! I'm a dinosaur! Honker, he's alive! Stegmutt, he's alive! Dr.
Fossil, he's alive! Not for long.
(beeping) Say hi to the comet for me.
Not so fast, Fossil.
I may be prehistoric, but there's a crime-fighter swimming in my gene pool.
Ah, terrific.
Let's get dangerous.
Oh, no! The switch is stuck.
Let me try.
Oops.
Sorry.
- Honker, how do we kill the magnet? - Um, I'll look it up.
"Chapter Three: Magnetism.
See Chapter 14: Electromagnetism.
" Hurry! Look! It's Godzilla! Run for your lives! (crowd screaming) Wait.
Citizens, it's only me - Darkwing Duck.
Remember? Huh? Huh? It's not so easy being a dinosaur in a man's world, is it? Tough beans, Fossil.
You're history.
(telephone ringing) Hello? Excuse me.
Is this the Darkwing Dinosaur? Yes, it is.
I'm sorry.
I must have the wrong number.
Yikes! You're amoeba, Darkwing.
Um, all we have to do is alter the field of force produced by its atomic electrons Honker, could you skip the preliminaries? achieved by realigning the magnetic field.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
Herbert Muddlefoot, Jr.
, get to the point! Or more simply put we move the magnet.
- Oh, boy! Can I try? Can I? - Yes! W-w-what? What? No bamboo? Hey! We did it! Now we just need Dr.
Fossil's retro gun.
Hey! What do you know? Hey, hey, hey! Hands off, Stegmutt.
That's mine! Oh, gee.
Whaah! Ship ahoy.
No more self-righteous superheroes.
Boom! No more little dinosaur puzzles with missing pieces.
The world awakens to a new day, rescued in its oblivious slumber by the unheralded heroism of mankind's humble guardian, Darkwing Duck.
Ahem! Uh, with a little help from Honker.
Ahem! And dinosaur friend.
Time to turn my friends back to normal.
Heroes first.
Just to make sure it's safe.
Oops.
Sorry.
Until we get this right, gang, promise you'll keep me away from any tartar sauce.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck