Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e25 Episode Script

CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) Yes, General Burkhalter.
Top secret? Sir, I want you to know how much I appreciate your trust in me.
Oh, you had no other choice.
I see.
Yes, sir, I'm alone.
General Burkhalter, I can assure you that I am alone.
Yes, sir, I'll check it right away.
Everything is all right, Herr General.
No one is here.
Oh, yes, sir, that is important.
I can see that ( static ) Hey, Kinch, what's wrong with this thing? I don't know.
Just when Klink was about to spill the top secret.
Looks okay here.
Schultz is coming.
Keep him busy.
Right.
See if you can check that out, huh? Right.
( whispering ): Schultz is coming.
Barrack inspection! All right, enough of this rubbish.
Come along, gentlemen.
Time to make your fortunes and minimize your losses.
What about you, LeBeau? No, well, you already owe me three million francs.
I don't want to play.
All right, Carter, you have a go.
No.
You're into me for $212,000.
You're a lot of dirty money-grubbers, that's what you are.
Now come along gentlemen, watch this.
Does the hand deceive the eye? Where could it possibly be? Let's keep our eye on it at all times.
Who'll make a wager? All right, this one.
Come on, now, where could it possibly be? Come on, anybody else? CARTER: All right, I'll try.
There it is.
It isn't, mate.
Very good, though, very good.
There it is, you see that? Now, let's have another try.
This is the easiest thing in the world, right? You see it? Well, where is it? I see it.
It's right under No, no! No it is under this one.
Schultz is right, and you're wrong.
Very good, very good.
Let's do it again.
It's a game of chance, you know.
I'll take a chance.
Yes? Four marks: eins, zwei, drei, vier, ja? Well, all right, but I must warn you, I've been very, very unlucky.
Yeah, you owe me three million francs.
With me, it's strictly cash.
Oh, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Here we go then.
Right.
Which one? ( groans ) That one? No no no.
You want this one? No, no, no, no, no.
Now which one do you want? You've named them all.
That one? Wrong! There it is.
Achtung.
Mm-hmm.
What do we have here? It's a game, sir.
To be exact, the shell game.
I've heard of it before.
Schultz, did you see that these men were gambling? ( sputtering ) Never mind, Schultz.
You can't see over your stomach.
Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Hogan? Now, we got more company.
Stay with it, huh? Okay.
Sir, Colonel Hogan doesn't like to be disturbed when he's taking a nap.
Oh, well, I wouldn't dream of disturbing him.
( yells ): Colonel Hogan! ( yawning ): What is it, Colonel? You caught me right in the middle of a great dream.
The blonde again? No, redhead this time.
( whistles, grunts ) To use an American expression-- while you were asleep at the switch, I uncovered a fly in the ointment.
What do you say about that? Well, for one thing, Colonel, you're mixing your metaphors.
Hogan, you know my rules about gambling.
Schultz, I want these men to be punished.
I want you to put them on report immediately.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Gambling?! Aw, you must be mistaken.
Were you men gambling? ( clamoring ) Gambling? Never.
See? Uh-huh.
What do you call this? Oh, sir, I think you'll agree with me that gambling is based on luck and an element of chance, don't you agree? Yes.
Mm-hmm.
I can guarantee, as a gentleman and an officer, this game is not gambling.
Hogan, I am no fool.
If this is not gambling, what is it? We're conducting experiments in ESP.
ESP? Extrasensory perception.
Hogan Well, actually, we're conducting the same kind of experiments as Professor Otto Von Tillermaan.
Oh, what am I telling you for.
You're probably more familiar with Von Tillermaan's work than I am.
Well, I I really haven't read much of his work lately.
He uses the shell game? That's right.
He proved that the German people have a higher degree of ESP than any other people.
All your great leaders had it: Bismarck, Frederick the Great, um, um what's-his-name, uh, you know Um Hitler! Yeah, yeah, that's the one.
You probably have it, too.
Now that you mention it, I often get, uh, vibrations a kind of intuition.
As you say, a lot of the Germans have the same faculty, yes? Say, let's see how you do with the shell game.
Newkirk? Oh, no, no ( men shouting encouragement ) Of course, one time won't really prove anything, will it? Have you ever played it before, sir? No, Newkirk.
Well, just watch the little pill there, sir.
The object, of course, is to try and find out which one it is.
You see it? Well, where is it? Right on the nose! Try it again, try it again.
I'll do it much faster this time.
Let's keep our eye on it at all times.
Now, we'll have another little try.
This man's in league with the devil.
Professor Von Tillermaan would be proud of you.
Oh, it was nothing.
Let's try a tough one now.
I'll write a number from one to ten, you try to guess it, all right? The number is eight.
Eight, all right.
No, no, no, wait, wait.
It is nine.
Hogan, how far off am I? This is amazing.
It's the greatest thing I've ever seen.
Look at that! Ah! I wrote the eight, crossed it out, and wrote the nine.
You have the best ESP I've ever seen.
Well, I can't explain it.
Either you've got it or you haven't.
Schultz, what are you doing? Oh, I put the men on report for gambling.
For gambling? Schultz, you're an idiot.
Why put these men on report for gambling, when they are conducting Von Tillermaan's experiments.
At ease, gentlemen.
Hey, we did all right? Eh? ( all laughing ) Herr Kommandant Wait, Helga.
No no, no, no, no, no.
You cannot have the afternoon off.
That's what you were going to ask me, wasn't it? No, I was just going to tell you that Colonel Hogan is here.
Oh but you did want the afternoon off at some time, didn't you? Yes, about two weeks ago.
I thought so.
Don't try to keep any secrets from me.
Now go and send in Colonel Hogan.
( Helga squeals ) ( giggling ): Colonel Hogan! Hogan, what happened? I just told her a joke.
You did? I would like to hear it.
You wouldn't like it.
Yes I would.
Go on.
All right.
Goebbels and Goring were having lunch one day with, uh, what's-his-name, uh Hitler.
That's the fella.
Goering said, "Fuehrer, do you know what you'd look like without that mustache?" Never mind, never mind.
Told you, you wouldn't like it.
You wanted to see me for something? Yes, Colonel Hogan.
For the next two days, I want you and your men to be confined to the barracks.
I don't want anyone to leave for any reason whatsoever.
Is that understood? Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You told me there'd be no punishment.
It's not punishment.
It's for security reason.
Top secret.
Oh, I see.
Never mind about the desk.
There's nothing there of value.
You have a very suspicious nature.
I am too clever for you, Hogan.
I also happen to have extrasensory perception.
Yes, I know.
I think I created a Frankenstein.
Helga, you know about the security, top secret business for the next couple of days? Yes, I know, the Kommandant told me.
Good, we wouldn't want anybody to find out about, uh, well, you know.
No, I don't know.
The Kommandant won't tell anyone what it is.
I see.
What's that? Oh, it's a book that Kommandant Klink ordered.
Let me see.
Might give us a clue as to what's going on.
Intuition and ESP In Psychology by Von Tillermaan.
There is somebody by that name.
Holy Toledo.
What's the matter? I just found out I got ESP, too.
Find out what was wrong and fix it? Uh-huh and uh-uh.
What does that mean? Well, uh-huh, the wires are all burned out, and uh-uh, I can't fix it unless I can run a new line to Klink's office.
And we're confined to quarters, so that's out.
Burkhalter is going in to see Klink.
If I could only be in that office.
Or if we could just plant a walkie-talkie in there.
Good idea.
But we can't leave the barracks, so how are we going put the walkie-talkie? We don't put.
We have somebody put for us.
This is indeed a great honor to have you here, General Burkhalter.
Let me remind you, Klink, this is not a social visit.
It's official business.
Of course, and may I offer you some official brandy and a cigar? Very well.
Have you taken all the security measures I mentioned? Every one.
There's nothing to worry about.
I run a tight camp.
Ah, French brandy.
There is nothing like it.
Yes, sir, but it's much too good for the French.
Well, as I was saying, I have this certain ability to anticipate trouble, a kind of sixth sense.
ESP.
So, there is nothing to be alarmed about.
I'll be as alarmed as I like.
Yes, sir, whatever gives you pleasure.
Now, how about some Polish sausage, uh, some Norwegian sardines, some Danish cheese? Ugh.
I'm sorry.
It's a German cigar.
We should have taken Cuba.
How many K's in Klink, sir? Two.
One on each end.
Here comes Schultz.
He's three minutes early.
Hurry it up, huh? Right, sir.
There we are; it's finished.
All right, good.
Carter, give me a hand with this thing, huh? Okay.
Let's go, quick.
All right, get that away.
Barracks inspection! Hey, Carter, smile, will you? I can't start this thing every day if you don't Your mouth was together, remember? Now, smile.
Someone might be paying for this, I tell you.
( murmured conversation ) NEWKIRK: You don't want me to do it.
Colonel Hogan, what is this? I don't know, Schultz.
Never saw it before in my life.
Did you, fellas? No.
Never, sir.
This is Kommandant Klink's briefcase.
It is? What's he keeping it here for? He's not very neat, is he? Oh, I overlook a lot of things, but to steal Kommandant Klink's briefcase! Oh, I have to report this.
Schultz, couldn't you just put it back in Klink's office and forget it? No, no, no, no, no, no.
I have to report this at once.
Schultz, can I tell you a story? What story? LeBeau.
You had a mother, didn't you? Ja.
Naturally, you loved her.
( playing sad melody ) I loved my mother, too.
She was a widow and she was left with eight children to take care of.
I was the oldest, so I had to go to work, and I was only five at the time.
Every morning, just before sunup, I'd leave our little home in Beverly Hills, and I'd deliver the morning papers.
Then I'd rush home with the few pennies I earned, and put them in my mother's hand.
Then this skinny little five-year-old kid would go on to his next job, washing dishes in a restaurant.
With the food they gave me, I took it home to the other children.
At night, I gave piano lessons and studied watch repairing.
Then came the sad news: the baby, little Herman-- unser Herman-- needed an operation.
We had no money in the house, no food.
We were behind in the rent.
Stop it.
Sorry, Schultz.
It's all right.
I'm not going to report you.
Thank you, Schultz.
Little Herman.
Did he have the operation? Yes.
Today, Herman walks as well as anyone.
Where did you get the money? We took it out of the bank.
I'm glad.
General Burkhalter, I want to know all of the Schultz! Please.
No disturbance.
I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.
We are very busy.
Please! All right, General Burkhalter.
What did you have in mind? The High Command of the Luftwaffe will be here tomorrow for a demonstration of the new aircraft.
KLINK: Aha! Now, when does this airplane arrive here-- The new aircraft? This afternoon.
The designer is flying it here himself.
If it does all he claims, it will make a big difference in the course of the war.
We might even win.
General Burkhalter, I cannot tell you how personally proud I am that you've selected my camp for this demonstration.
It has nothing to do with you.
Oh.
This camp was picked because with a top-secret project like this, we couldn't use a regular airfield.
And also, the Luftwaffe High Command feels much safer here.
They do? Yes.
They know the Allies won't bomb a prisoner-of-war camp.
( phone rings ) Yes? Very well.
An airplane is circling for a landing.
That must be Kintzler.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Hey, there is a plane circling.
NEWKIRK: Looks like any other plane to me.
KINCH: Yeah, I don't see anything different about it.
It's not what you see, it's what you hear.
But I don't hear anything.
That's just it-- you don't.
A silent plane.
Uh-huh.
Wow! HOGAN: It could give the Allies a lot of grief.
We have a little bomb left from the last bridge.
Why don't I put it under the plane? Eh, that's no good.
They'd just build another one.
We've got to get this information to the Allies in London.
Why don't we swipe the plane and fly it to London? Well, they'd have interceptors up from every airfield within five minutes.
Hey, Colonel, what if we Wait a minute.
Brilliant idea, sir.
You haven't heard it yet.
I like it, too.
Whenever you smile like that, you've got something good cooking.
When do we go? No rush.
We'll wait till after dark.
* * Don't make any mistakes with those measurements, Newkirk.
Won't do the Air Force any good if they're not accurate.
I'm double-checking everything, sir.
Good.
Here you go.
Well, there's the big secrets of the silent engine.
What is it? The gas is vaporized in a series of baffle chambers.
What does that do? It's the same as stuffing your ears with cotton.
I'm surprised you didn't know that, Carter.
Well, my girlfriend says she hasn't got a recent picture of me.
Herr Kintzler, I cannot tell you how impressed I am with your plane.
Hah! I beg your pardon? I said "hah"! I'm sure that the Luftwaffe will be impressed tomorrow.
They won't.
They like noise.
They like noise.
That's funny, very funny.
( laughing ) It's not funny.
I'm going to bed.
I assume you have set up a strong guard for the plane? Yes, Herr General.
I've doubled the tower guards, the searchlights.
You can depend on me.
I've seen to it personally.
Personally.
In that case, I'd better check it myself.
Oh, I'll go with you, Herr General.
There is nothing to worry about, Herr General.
I gave orders to shoot anyone who comes near the plane.
Shoot first and ask questions later.
That's what I said.
Shoot anyone? Anyone! Don't you think you'd better recall that order before we go near that plane? What? Yes, sir! Where does this part go? Put it anywhere.
You've done jigsaw puzzles.
It doesn't fit.
Yes, it does.
I think you forced it.
It's a German plane.
All it understands is force.
Kinch.
Mmm-hmm.
Get those pictures developed.
Get them out through the underground connections with Newkirk's notes.
Right.
Look, the rest of you, let's get this engine back in the plane before they find it's gone.
Right, Colonel.
We wouldn't want them to think we're ordinary crooks, huh? Everything seems to be in order, Herr General.
Let me make up my own mind, Klink.
Yes, sir.
Of course, I'm a man who takes his responsibilities very seriously, and when this plane is in my camp, it becomes my responsibility.
You are so right.
Now, when you ask me for security, that's what you'll get-- airtight security.
( gasps ) What did you say, Klink? Me, me, me, say? Nothing, what, what would I say? Klink! Pull yourself together, you're falling apart.
Yes, sir.
I will do that right away.
Yes, sir! Wish I could help you, Colonel.
Hogan, airplane engines don't have a habit of walking away by themselves.
Well, sometimes they fly away.
When did the, uh, engine disappear? Now, you know very well when.
Today.
Well, then I have a perfect alibi.
We were confined to barracks.
You gave the order yourself.
That's true.
Mm-hmm.
The guards would have seen you come out.
Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan.
Ah! General Burkhalter! It's he.
He's testing me.
The old ESP is working for you again, sir.
Of course! He wants to know how resourceful I am.
Ah, ha-ha.
All you have to do is figure out where he hid it, go get it, and you will be a hero.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I see it in the bushes In the bushes.
Hidden under a tarpaulin.
Under a tarpaulin.
What color is the tarpaulin? Black.
Black, black.
Uh, what about white? White? White.
White.
It's there.
It's there.
I know the spot.
You know the spot.
Oh, Hogan, I've found the engine! I know exactly where it is.
The engine, the engine is The engine is right here! Oh, that's too bad.
Look, let's reconstruct the crime.
Now, where exactly was the engine when it got mislaid.
Where was it?! Where any engine is supposed to be! Right here in the plane, that's where.
Be kinda crowded in there if we put another engine in, wouldn't it? Colonel Hogan, what are you doing here? I gave strict orders you were to be confined to the barracks.
After years of experimenting, I have finally developed an absolutely noiseless engine.
What this will mean for the Luftwaffe you can easily imagine.
It's really quite remarkable, isn't it? Now, for the first time in history, a noiseless engine.
This engine will put us years ahead of the Allies.
( engine roars and backfires ) ( backfiring repeatedly ) ( backfiring continues ) I call that a noiseless engine.
Maybe he's using cheap gas.
By George, I don't think he's got it.
So you call yourself soldiers, eh? No, sir, we're prisoners of war.
What's up, Colonel? I called this formation to tell you that your confinement is over.
We're back on regular schedule.
Good.
Say, I heard that noiseless motor.
I guess it's not really noiseless, if you can hear it.
It was a failure from the start, just as I predicted.
I had a sixth sense about it.
Is that right? My father had it, too.
You know this Von Tillermaan has a very interesting theory about ESP being very strong in certain families.
Is that Von Tillermaan's book? That's right.
Yeah, it must be a collector's item.
A collector's item? I imagine it's worth a lot of money right now.
It's probably the only copy left.
Oh, it must be very valuable.
I wonder what makes it so scarce.
Well, the Nazis are burning all of Von Tillermaan's books in Berlin.
Dismissed!