Lizzie Mcguire (2001) s01e25 Episode Script

La-la-la-la-la-la-la.
Rehearsal better not go late today.
I've got three book reports to finish and a science project to mummify.
I don't have time for all this stuff.
Well, why did you sign up, then? Because I need a non-academic activity on my school resume to impress charter school admissions officers.
Okay, people, let's keep our chins high, high, high in the air and we'll all sound like red-crested warblers.
I tell you, all this extra work I'm doing-- pressure is killing me.
And one, two! Camptown ladies sing this song Doo-dah, doo-dah Camptown racetrack's five miles long I wonder if the glee club is ever going to perform a song that wasn't a big hit during the Civil War.
on the bay.
Lovely, everyone.
Let's practice, practice, practice when we're at home, and Gordo let's keep those "doo-dahs" a little snappier.
Gordo, how do you expect to get anywhere in life with sloppy "doo-dahs"? Relax, it's just a joke.
He's kind of stressed.
Buried under homework and stuff.
You know, I think we should try out for the Fact-Athalon.
Hello! Gordo's already squashed by all the schoolwork he does.
Why would he sign up for an academic competition that would put even more pressure on him? It could kill him.
Winners get to go to Miami.
Miami? Gordo, you've got to win this thing for us.
You've got to study and you've got to win.
We'll all study, we'll all win and we'll all go to Miami.
Madonna loves Miami.
The Fact-Athalon might be good for my resume.
All right, I'll do it, but we have to do it together and we have to be completely focused.
Completely focused.
Completely focused.
There.
Completely focused.
Focus, focus, focus, focus, focus! If you believe we've got a picture-perfect plan We've got you fooled 'Cause we only do the best we can And sometimes we make it And sometimes we fake it But we get one step closer each and every day We'll figure it out on the way.
Lizzie McGuire S01E25 Facts of Life Okay.
Who was Ulysses S.
Grant? Okay, okay.
Okay, I know this.
He was on the $50 bill.
Yeah, but what did he do? It had something to do with Abraham Lincoln and Lincoln was on the five, so that must mean Grant was ten times more important.
He was the commanding Union general of the Civil War.
Ooh.
Ask me something.
Okay, who invented the cotton gin? Oh, shoot.
Um Um I will always love you-hoo Houston.
Houston.
Whitney Houston Eli Whitney.
I'm running out of memory hooks.
This is brutal.
If our forefathers knew how dull history was going to be, I bet they wouldn't have gone around making so much of it.
Sorry I'm late-- I was getting you doughnuts.
Where are they? Oh, I ate them-- yours had coconut.
I know you don't like coconut.
Okay.
Thanks.
So, I signed us up for the Fact-Athalon.
All we need to do now is get a faculty advisor.
Every team needs one.
Oh, let's get Mr.
Stoiko.
He's the smartest teacher in the whole, entire school.
He's got that huge head.
Kate already got him.
Kate.
Don't worry, we can get Mrs.
Trimmer.
She's tough, she's smart.
She'll make us study hard.
Sounds good.
Gordo, quick-- what was Lincoln's Gettysburg Address? Just a joke.
That's not a joke.
"What does a cannibal call a phone book? A menu.
" Now, that is a joke.
Hey, do we have any musical instruments? Uh, my old cymbals, from marching band.
No good.
Lanny and I are starting a band.
We're living the dream and you can't play a blistering rock 'n' roll anthem on the cymbals.
Well, how about my old guitar? I used to be in a band myself, you know.
You? Were in a band? Yeah.
It was me and Cousin Ree-Ree and his buddy Stucco.
We were called Midnight Sam and the Love Patrol.
When you feel the beat Dancing, dancing Ooh, you've got to move your feet Dancing, dancing Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Hey, I'll have you know, son-- we rocked.
Sorry.
Mrs.
Trimmer wanted me to work out a study schedule.
I figure we'll put in an hour each day in math, science, history and English.
Ugh.
Guess I'll just have to get by on three hours of sleep.
I cannot possibly study four extra hours a day and still have time for the important stuff.
This is really going to be a sacrifice.
Ugh.
I'm giving up eating dinner and talking to my parents but it'll all be worth it when we go to Miami.
We're totally going to win it with Mrs.
Trimmer.
Mrs.
Trimmer has left the country.
I'll be substituting for her while she's gone.
But, Mr.
Dig, she's supposed to be our advisor for the Fact- Athalon.
I got your back on that one.
You're going to be our advisor? Yeah, I was good enough to tutor Christina Aguilera in Spanish and tutor the governor of Michigan in economics.
I was good enough to tutor Ben Affleck about Pearl Harbor.
You taught all those people? Oh, no.
They wouldn't let me but I was good enough, and if I'm good enough for them I'm good enough for you.
Meet me back here at 5:00 We'll start with math.
Well, this should be interesting.
Hey, guys.
What are you doing? Well, Lanny says that all the best bands have more than two people so were having auditions for our third member.
Oh.
So there's going to be lots of kids playing instruments real loud all afternoon? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Hey, honey, I'm going to head down to the office for the rest of the afternoon.
Great, babe.
We'll call you.
Okay? Name, please? Rick.
Rick Marotta.
He's a bit old to be a rock star don't you think? It says here you've played with Linda Ronstadt!? James Taylor!? Steely Dan!? John Lennon!? Never heard of them.
Okay, we'll see what you got.
Congratulations, Rick.
You got yourself a gig.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks for the break.
Oh, excuse me.
Hello? Dad, I got the gig.
Protractor, compass and calculator.
Oh, look at Lizzie studying.
You must really think you can beat us.
You guys have less of a chance than Marc Antony's fleet at the Battle of Alexandria in 12 BC.
It was a Tuesday.
You guys, we got no time to waste.
We've got to study.
Study.
Study, study.
Mark Anthony the singer? Is it safe? Yeah.
Go straight.
Yeah, Now, turn right.
No, not Yet.
Okay, now turn around.
Go left.
No, not your left-- my left.
Is that Gordo back there? I took out every math book the library had.
And we have our compasses and our rulers and our protractors and everything.
Good.
Good.
Get rid of it all.
Why, what are we going to study with? These.
Yeah.
Uh, those are cards.
Very good, Miranda.
If we need you to identify any other objects in the Fact-Athalon, you're our go-to girl.
So, what, are we going to, like, study math by playing poker? Course not.
What kind of bughouse idea is that? We're going to play blackjack.
Grab some chips.
Um Maybe Mrs.
Trimmer didn't explain the Fact-Athalon to you but it's intense.
We have to study.
We're just going to do it differently.
Look.
We are going to learn things by doing it.
If you play blackjack, you learn math.
Addition, subtraction, probability, ratios.
I think we should study the old-fashioned way.
You know, where you read books and you memorize facts.
Where you turn into an old, worried man at 13.
I am not an old man.
I think Mr.
Dig's way could work.
I think it could really work well.
Hit me, dealer.
English history.
Grab thee a turkey leg and eat it fast 'cause we didn't have refrigeration in the 16th century and the only way to preserve this is to cake it with salt.
Okay, we start with H2O and then we add bicarbonate of soda And that creates carbon dioxide.
Okay, I know there are at least 12 more face cards in the deck which means there's a two-to-one ratio of face cards to spot cards.
I'm going to split my eights so I can double my cookies.
Anyone seen much of the peasants, lately? Um.
Saw them just today.
Oh, and how are they? Muddy.
You know, wallowing in the muck and whatnot.
By the way, my liege, I failed to produce thee a male heir for the throne.
Oh, no matter.
I'll just break away from the Church of Rome start the Church of England, have your head lopped off and marry that saucy wench.
Okay.
Then we add a sucrose compound and a thickening agent.
And we shake it all up and that creates an egg cream.
L'Chaim.
Do you believe those dirks? No time to talk-- study, study.
You've got some sort of weird Snakewoman From Mars thing going on your neck there.
Stress rash from all this studying.
Leave me alone.
Would you guys quit distracting me? Time to understand physics.
Bodies of unequal weight fall at the same speed.
Oh, cool-- Watermelon omelet.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Boo-ya!21! Cash me out.
I'll be at the buffet.
That's a ridiculous name.
I don't want to call our band "The Lanny and Matt Band.
" What kind of name is that? How could you come up with that? Hey, what's going on out here? We can't agree on a name for the band.
I want something thought-provoking something that says we're all about the issues.
Well, what do you want to call it? Spoink.
Well, maybe you guys should focus more on rehearsing, and the name will take care of itself.
You're right, Dad.
We've got to be all about the music.
Count us in, Rick.
One, two, three.
How many times have I heard you complain? Once.
Twice I'll be at the office! Fifth Amendment? Uh, protection against self-incrimination.
Greetings, wench.
Good fortune and fair time of day.
Eww! Shouldn't you weirdoes be out playing dress-up or something? Listen, Twitchy you guys are going down faster than a watermelon dropped off a building.
Yeah.
While you guys were studying stuff we were living it.
Thank you for coming, everyone and welcome to the 12th Annual Fact-Athalon.
Our first category is: English History.
Yes.
Fare thee well, Kate.
We've come to bury you, not to praise you.
Alas, poor Kate.
Har-har-har.
Who commanded the British Fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar? Lord Horatio Nelson.
Correct.
Name the competing factions in the War of the Roses.
The Lancasters and the Yorks.
Correct.
Who signed the Magna Carta? King John, in the year 1215, at Runnymede.
Correct.
Uh-oh.
Ugh Moving on to the American Revolution.
What year did the Boston Tea Party occur? December 16, 1773.
Why didn't we get that one? 'Cause we didn't study dates and places and times.
I know what the colonists felt but I don't know when they felt it.
He needs to ask questions about turkey legs.
This is massively stinkful.
What year did Abraham Lincoln sign the Emancipation Proclamation? He signed it so that abolition would become an actual issue of the Civil War and to show that he was confident in the Union Army after the Battle of the Antietam.
Mm, we're looking for the date.
Oh, right--the date.
Pass.
September 22, 1862.
Okay, here's the plan: Gordo, you fake being sick.
Miranda, you turn on the fire sprinklers.
Then we're going to get out of here.
Get real.
We just have to focus.
We can do this.
Edward Jenner discovered the smallpox vaccine.
Oh, for pity sake.
Jackson! What is the square root of pi? Charles Dickens in 1849.
N.
A.
C.
L.
Correct.
Correct! Correct! Missouri Compromise.
July 20th, 1969.
Ring-tailed lemur.
Oh, my heart! Gordo, are you okay?! Come on, come on, come on.
Do we have any aspirin?! You got a headache, too?! No, I just think they'd make good earplugs! Okay, stop, stop, stop! Hey, I need some root beer for Lanny and some coffee and antacid for Rick Marotta.
Um, Matt, your dad and I are thinking that maybe this band thing just isn't working out.
I mean, you guys rehearse a lot A lot.
And you're not, um, not getting much better.
Are you saying we should quit? No.
No, no, no.
Well, yes.
Haven't you guys always told me that if you really love something you should stick with it no matter how long it takes? Yeah.
You know what? We have always said that.
But, um, the thing is we were wrong.
Dead wrong.
We see that now, Son.
Our band isn't giving up.
Today is Friday and by the time we have our backyard concert, on Sunday we're going to be laying down some insane tune-age.
And we don't need your root beer.
The office is closed on Sunday.
That didn't go well.
The Titanic didn't go well.
This was a disaster.
All we did was talk like Old English weirdoes and eat turkey legs.
Well, it looks like you didn't bury us.
We buried you.
I've got to hand it to you it's not often that students do so bad that their teachers quit.
What?! Mr.
Dig's quitting? That's what he told Mr.
Escobar.
Well, see you in Miami.
Oh, wait, I guess we won't.
Did you warn the neighbors? I promised them I'd mow their lawns and give them Hiya, Dad.
Thanks for coming.
See? Rick's dad is supportive.
I got gig to play.
Rock on.
One, two, three, four! Tell Aunt Mary about Uncle John Say he had a missus, but he got a lot a fun Oh, baby Yeah, baby Whoo-ooh-hoo Baby Some fun tonight Saw Uncle John with long, tall Sally He saw aunt Mary coming, and he ducked back in the alley Oh, baby Yeah, baby Whoo-ooh-hoo Baby Some fun tonight Rock on, Lanny! That's my baby, with the guitar.
It's my guitar.
got everything that Uncle John need Oh, baby Yeah, baby Whoo-ooh-hoo Baby Some fun tonight Hey Good job, Matt.
Matt! Honey! That was incredible! Ooh! Thanks.
I thought we were all right.
All right? What's next? What do you mean? Where you guys going to play next? You going to get an agent? Nah.
We're through with this.
What?! Why? Because we've done it, and it's history.
Yeh, Lanny has a point.
We haven't tried snowmobile racing.
Come on, Lanny.
Let's get that into the works.
How you guys doing? Hey, Mr.
Dig.
Hi.
We heard you were leaving.
Well, I let you guys down, didn't I? You can't leave, Mr.
Dig.
Why not? I'm a terrible teacher.
You didn't learn anything from me.
I wouldn't exactly say we didn't learn anything.
I learned how to play "Greensleeves" on an autoharp.
And I learned that it's good to split nines when the dealer has a five or six showing and there are no other tens on the table.
Actually, I learned a lot-- like the Middle Ages smelled terrible and you were lucky if you lived to be 30 'cause there was so not any hygiene.
And it didn't matter that Galileo proved Earth isn't the center of the universe.
That meant nothing unless the political powers would let him tell people.
And that wasn't going to happen because then everyone would be out of a job.
I always busted my tail for school.
I never knew it could be fun before.
Or interesting.
Yesterday, I got a book on Queen Elizabeth I out of the school library.
Queen Elizabeth was fat, bald, and looked like clown.
You can look it up.
We have a school library? Well, I guess I didn't do such a bad job after all.
In fact, you should be thanking me.
Well, I wouldn't go overboard.
We did want to go to Miami.
Yeah, we'll thank you if we survive the gloating Kate does when she comes back from Florida next week.
Whoa.
What happened to you guys? I got bit to death by sand fleas.
I stepped on a stupid sea urchin.
I got so sunburned, my teeth hurt.
Thanks, Mr.
Dig.
Don't mention it.
Oh, I got gum! Ready, and Oh, no What are you guys looking at? Cut.
Cut!