Melissa & Joey s01e25 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Aunt Mel, Ryder's sick and I'm worried.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- I'm worried that he's gonna give it to me.
I have the most important party of the entire semester this weekend.
Your aunt is the keynote speaker at the jobs fair.
Her words will set the tone for putting Toledo back to work.
Without tone, the entire city could just slide right off a cliff.
I totally understand.
Could you just get Ryder out of the house for, like, two days? Honestly, honey, I would love to get everyone out of this house for two days.
Burke, are you busy? I'm trying to be.
Listen, would it be a problem if I have someone stay over? No no no no, not now.
weekend at the civic center to hear a jobs speech I will give that does not yet exist because people keep interrupting me.
- You are gonna love my brother.
- Your brother the flake? - Who said he was a flake? - You did.
You're listening to me now? No, come on, he is great.
Trust me, all right? And more importantly, he's down in the basement.
Mel needs quiet! Get out of here.
I'm sorry.
We're all just a little bit on edge here.
I know nobody's gonna listen to this, but I gotta say it-- this speech is important so I've got to write it.
So please, nobody talk to me-- nobody.
- Is that her? - Yes.
Hey, thanks for letting me crash here.
Oh, yeah, you shouldn't be thanking me.
Your brother deserves all the blame.
It's nice to meet you.
I'm Tony Longo.
So are there any other Longos lurking about here? Nope, this is it-- just Joe and Tony.
- Tony and Joe.
- Yep.
- And together we are the-- - Flying Longo brothers! Oh ho hey ya oh! - Yeah whoo! - That's awesome! - Oh.
- So cool.
- Good grief.
- They're amazing.
They didn't drop a single one.
- it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right as far as I can see - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right Okay, I'm sure someday there will be a worse time for an unexpected brother to arrive, but until that day, this is it.
It would have been nice to have a little notice.
He gave us notice.
He rang the doorbell.
We had plenty of time after that.
All right, fine fine.
That's cool.
I'll just tell him that you don't want him to stay with us.
No no no no, I'm too nice for that.
Um, just tell him he can stay for one night and then he has to leave, all right? And don't tell him I was cranky.
Say good things about me.
And lie to my brother? Wait-- there it is.
See, it's facing east.
That's the axis.
It's letting the energy flow right in.
You guys need any help moving anything? No.
Do not touch anything.
Get back to your room, snot faucet.
You're so mean.
Um, okay, what are you doing with my furniture and all the places it used to be that I liked? He can explain, Aunt Mel.
It's mystical and really cool.
I was saving your life, Mel.
I'm unblocking your chi.
You know, Feng Shui-- the Chinese art of placement? Yeah, I think that-- I mean, come on, this furniture has been in the same old spot for a long time.
You know, it's good to mix things up and Tony's excellent at this stuff.
Change is good.
Just give it a chance.
Okay, considering it.
Okay, change it back now.
I don't know, this Feng Shui is working.
I really feel the flow of energy already.
Yeah, you're standing over a vent.
Listen, it was so obvious you weren't following the bagwa of your house.
And I wanted to give you something-- a gift.
You know what? The juggling show was plenty.
Listen-- hi.
I don't think this is such a good time for me to be here, Joe.
I think maybe this whole thing was a really bad idea.
You know, I'm just gonna get my stuff and head out.
Come on.
Do me a favor-- just go talk to him, okay? Fine, yes fine.
Once again, I am being the bigger person here.
It is exhausting being this big.
Um, Tony-- Yeah hey, listen, don't worry.
I'm getting out of here.
I just took some new pictures on my last trip.
- Wanted to leave a few for Joe.
- Oh, you took these? You didn't take these.
Did you take these? With this camera.
Wow, this one's beautiful.
Hey, I think I know this fountain.
Yeah? It's in Siena.
Yeah, I have been in this fountain naked.
I mean, it's a beautiful picture.
Yeah, I spent seven hours for just the right light.
And then for one single moment, there it was.
Wow.
And you got it.
- Forever.
- It's perfect.
Thanks.
Oh, this-- is this the hills of Ireland? No, that's a landfill in Akron.
Wow.
You can make anything look good.
Hey, if I were to put you up for a couple of days, do you think maybe you could do a photo shoot with a certain city councilwoman who's finally learned to shape her eyebrows? You got a deal.
Besides, it's not gonna be tough making you look beautiful.
You're no landfill.
Aw, that's the sweetest thing any Longo's ever said to me.
All right.
All your furniture is right back where it was.
You are de-fenged and I removed all shui.
I kind of liked it the way Tony had it.
I thought you wanted to get him out of here.
Yeah, I did before, but now I've changed my mind, okay? Change-- hey, that is a great theme for my speech.
"Change your job, change your life, change Toledo.
" I just gave myself chills.
It's like I was suddenly inspired.
You want to know why? 'Cause according to Feng Shui, you're standing on the career success point of this room.
And according to you five minutes ago, you were completely antichange.
Yeah well, I changed.
Change! Yay.
It's so great to be witness to someone's personal and spiritual evolution.
Thank you, Deepak.
Hey, the councilwoman's pretty sweet, huh? Yeah, she's okay.
You know, she's a little crazy and neurotic, - but mostly harmless.
- So what's the deal with you guys? What do you mean, what's the deal with us? We work together.
I'm the, uh, nanny.
God, I hate that friggin' word.
No, I mean is there anything going on between the two of you? No.
Are you kidding? I'm gonna put up with her without getting paid? Not a chance.
- So it's cool if I ask her out? - Why would you want to ask her out? I'm in town for a few days.
Just want to have a little fun.
Oh, trust me, Mel Burke is not any fun.
That's not the vibe I got.
I think I have a little more experience around her vibe.
Trust me-- stay as far away from that as you can.
Are you sure you don't have a thing for her? 'Cause I think-- I think I'm seeing a little something right there.
- Ow! - That's funny.
I'll tell you what's funny is the thought of you two guys going out together.
Oh, come on, man, she likes the photos.
You know what that's code for? Liking the photographer.
Hey, you know what, Tony? I just realized something, man.
You are standing in the bad-idea corner of the room.
- Look at that.
- All right, Joe, look, if you have even the tiniest bit of interest in her, just let me know, okay? And I'll stay away from her.
No.
See, it's just that-- No, there's nothing there.
- You're sure? - Yes yes, I'm sure.
Okay? Look, ask her out.
She's all yours.
- Great.
Thanks, buddy.
- Sure.
- Night.
- Night.
So how's that chicken soup, huh? Can I make a mean matzo ball or what? It's so delicious I can almost taste it.
Dinner, Lennox, come on.
Is sick boy still eating? I'm not coming down till he's done.
Will you stop making such a big deal out of this thing, please? I cannot miss this party.
I just need to stay away from his germs for, like, one more day.
I'm getting better.
Ha.
I'm done anyway.
You want a hit? No, I'm good.
When it's my time, it's my time.
Here.
Where the heck is your aunt anyway? - At a photo shoot.
- Huh? At a photo shoot with Dony.
Dony and Mel? Dony and Mel.
Come on, what part of this don't you understand? Blow.
She's at a photo shoot with Tony.
He's taking her new council pictures.
She said not to wait up.
That's cool.
It's good to see they're hitting it off, huh? Good for them.
Hey, would you please leave? - Oh yeah, hey, Lennox? - What? - Catch.
- Ew! That's really great, Mel.
I'm seeing a lot of honesty.
I'm seeing a lot of compassion.
Yeah, are you seeing any dark roots? No, you're good.
You're good.
Um, can we try it with a little bit of a sparkle? You know, like, ooh, you just won your election.
By how much? Was it a squeaker or a landslide? No, I'm just saying that you smile seems a little bottled up.
Like, when you keep wine in the bottle for too long, you know what happens? I wouldn't know.
I don't keep wine in the bottle too long.
Well, it turns to vinegar.
And you are not destined to be a salad dressing, Mel Burke.
Oh, I don't know.
I could be a spicy Italian or a sweet honey mustard.
Yeah, but once upon a time I was an extra-virgin olive oil.
- Joe.
- No no, I'm Tony.
Usually the women can tell us apart.
- Hey, buddy.
- Oh hey, man.
Yeah, what are you doing here? 'Cause I don't see enough of you during the day.
Oh, well, I realized you forgot your computer at home.
And I know you can't be without this thing for even an hour.
That's when I'm at work.
This is actually a photo shoot.
Yeah, I know, but when the photo shoot is over very soon, you know, and you want to do some work, your computer will be right here.
And Joe is a hero.
That's all I'm saying.
Okay.
Um, can you fly out here for a moment? And don't get your cape caught on anything.
- You came here to spy on us.
- I was not spying on you.
Well, this computer bag is empty.
Apparently I'm not a very thorough hero.
Anyway, look, since I'm here, I just wanted to tell you, this is not just a photo shoot.
Okay? Tony is, um-- What? A convict? A serial killer? Oh my God, is he married? No no no, he's not married.
He's interested in you.
That's what you came here to warn me about? That a single good-looking guy might possibly be thinking about asking me out on a date? What am I gonna do? I hope I can get the vaccine in time.
I'm just trying to give you a heads up, okay? He's a charming guy.
And, you know, desperate, very gullible women always fall for that.
Thank you, Joe.
Now please don't take this the wrong way-- leave.
Where'd that smile go? I don't know.
It's just your brother coming down here unannounced.
Yeah, I know, I hate it when guys just show up unannounced.
Unless it's me, and then it's kind of awesome.
Well, it did work out for the best.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what? I know what'll help you out.
- Take off your shoes.
- Oh, do I have to? They make my legs look so fantastic.
Yes they do.
But I studied reflexology while I was on a photo expedition through India.
So I kind of know what I'm doing.
Okay, but you know, I just don't really believe in that chakra crystal rock stuff.
So don't feel bad if it doesn't-- oh, my sweet little piggies.
Wow.
Hey, you guys are back already? It's barely tomorrow.
Yeah, well, it was a very very great photo shoot.
Yes.
I had a very very great model.
Oh, I'm very very happy to see you guys getting along so well.
You know what? I'm gonna head downstairs, see what we got.
So, six-hour photo shoot, huh? That's amazing.
I don't even know how somebody could smile for six straight hours.
I'm surprised your face didn't crack.
Me, I can barely keep this thing going for, like, five seconds.
Yeah, well, you're not a politician, okay? We can smile indefinitely and talk out of both sides of our mouths.
Yeah yeah.
So, you know, this so-called photo shoot, that's all you guys did, huh, was just take a lot of pictures? Oh, well, he did remove a lens or two.
You know, we took some breaks, we talked, we had some wine.
He massaged my feet.
- You let him touch your feet? - Yeah, what's wrong with that? That's like a gateway massage.
Yeah, gateway to heaven.
All right, I don't need to hear any more.
You know what? It sounds like you're a little jealous.
I mean, are you worried that your brother and I, you know, did stuff? What? Ew.
No.
Okay, 'cause just FYI, I'm not the kind of girl who goes all the way on a first photo shoot with some photographer I just met, especially when the janitor walks in.
Damn that guy.
Just so we're clear, when I say, "Ew.
No.
", you hear, "Tell me everything.
Don't leave out a single gross detail"? Mm-hmm yeah.
Believe me, I didn't tell you everything.
I mean I left out plenty of things.
- Like for instance-- - Hold that thought Until I get out of here.
- Morning.
- Morning.
I'm so excited.
Today's the day we finish Mel's jobs-fair speech.
Give me a break.
I don't have a lot going on in my life right now.
Well, she'll be back here in a minute.
Her and Tony are out to breakfast.
Oh my God, breakfast? They went to breakfast? Do you have any idea what this means? Yeah, Mel is paying for breakfast.
No, that I missed my chance with another Longo.
What is it with you girls? What do you guys see in this man? Well, he's a lot like you, only less clenched.
I'm clenched? What I mean is that it's not surprising that Mel fell for Tony.
I mean, aside from the clenching, he's you.
He's like the you that she can have.
What are you saying? That she's going out with me through him? That's what I would do if I were a leggy, almost-famous 5'-tall blonde.
Nah.
I think she's just trying to piss me off.
There's only one way to find out for sure-- go out with me and make Mel wildly jealous.
Thank you, but I don't think that that would work.
No worries.
Just trying to take one for the team.
Hey, buddy, look what I got.
It's your bus ticket.
Printed it out online for you.
Oh great.
Wow, this is for today.
Yeah, you said you were leaving today.
Well yeah, you know what I mean when I say "today.
" I don't mean today today; I mean whenever.
I'm sorry.
The bus company ran out of tickets for "whenever.
" You just make life up as you go along, huh? Uh-huh.
That's the upside of being your own boss.
Unless, you know.
You're getting sick of me? No, stay.
Yeah, I like having you here.
Maybe I could move things around, stay a little longer.
Move things around? The only thing you have to move around is what's in your backpack.
So, yeah, you know, let's see where it goes.
Yeah, it's cool.
You're free and easy; I'm free and easy.
Actually, you can't be free and easy just yet.
You have to finish your speech for the jobs fair.
Oh, shoot.
You know what? Pencil me in for "free and easy" the day after tomorrow.
- Let's go go go.
- Ah.
If you're gonna be staying her another week, it's not gonna be in my room.
Well, maybe I could find another room where I'm welcome.
No no no, that's cool.
You can stay with me because you're my brother and I love you.
Yeah, the flying Longos are back, baby! - Oh oh oh-- - Maybe later.
Aunt Mel, can I talk to you for a sec? Lennox, not right now.
I've really got to rehearse this speech.
Okay, then I guess you don't want to see the half-naked pictures of you all over the Internet.
Whoa whoa, what? Okay, all right, bring it back over here.
Wow.
So I'm thinking next photo shoot, no wine.
And no photo shoot.
Ok, you know what? I'm a city councilwoman.
I can't be seen like this.
Don't worry, Mel.
These are clearly photoshopped.
No one would ever believe that's your body.
That is my body.
Pilates to you! Wait a minute, you knew what you were doing here when you climbed up on that desk and did-- what exactly are you doing there? And whose shirt is that? Tony's.
You know, these are supposed to be private.
He said no one would see these except us.
- He promised you that? - Yes, he did.
And you know what? Now I'm gonna go break his camera and his pretty little cute little button nose and I'm gonna shove it up his success spot.
- Is he down there? - No no no, actually he's out in the garage.
Yeah, he wanted to borrow my weights to hold down his yoga mat.
I'm gonna borrow your weights to hold down his throat.
Come on, Stephanie.
Joe, you could have just warned me a little bit about your brother.
Yeah, I-- I should have.
Oh, brother? Hey, Lennox, has Mel seen these photos? 'Cause it's something a nephew should never see.
Yeah.
Get back upstairs, Mr.
Infecto.
Oh no, I'm not sick any more.
I feel great.
No, it was allergies, I swear.
No, the party is tonight.
It has to be allerg-- No no no no no.
This cannot be happening to me.
Ooh! - Tony? - Hey, bro.
- What the heck were you thinking? - About what? Those photos that you took of Mel that were supposed to be private-- they're all over the Internet.
What did you do, sell those things? No no no, I posted them on my website.
Somebody must have stolen them.
Stuff happens.
No, stuff always happens to you.
You know, this whole careless flaky-guy thing is just not that charming any more, Tony.
It made Mel laugh a couple times.
She's not laughing right now.
She's actually up there pretty hurt.
Fine fine.
Look, I'll take 'em down immediately, all right? Why are you so upset anyway? Because Mel-- look, her and I-- I'm just very protective of people inside this house, okay? Joe? Joe? Last time I saw that face, it was the Andrea Dittman fight.
You really want to talk about that again? I didn't do anything wrong then either.
- Yes you did.
- No I didn't.
- Yes you did.
- No I didn't.
- Yes you did.
- No I didn't.
Yes you did, all right? You made out with Andrea, then you told the entire school and she was humiliated.
And then when I went to ask her out, she said, "no way.
I'm never gonna date another Longo.
" - Oh yeah, I did do that.
- You son of a-- So is big brother gonna give me another black eye? You were the one that started that fight, all right? You threw the first punch.
- No I didn't.
- Yes you did.
- No I didn't.
- Yes you did.
- No I didn't.
- Yes you did.
No no, that? I'm sorry, that's not a punch.
- Yes it is.
- No no.
See, that-- that's a punch.
Bring back any memories, buddy? - Yeah, takes me back all the way to the '90s.
- Oh sweet, yeah.
I see you've gotten a lot better at slow dancing.
- Oh, you're funny.
Joe? Tony? Where are you guys? You like your boss! Hey, she's not my boss.
I'm freelance.
Hey hey, guys, stop this.
I told you to not make a move with her.
Stop-- stop fighting over me.
- You? - Yeah.
You're fighting over me, aren't you? Okay, you know what? You know what? The truth is that we're fighting because Joe doesn't have the courage to admit that he still holds a torch for Andrea Dittman after 15 years when I'm the one she wanted.
Yeah.
Yep, that's-- that's what we were fighting about.
That's it.
What about what he did to me with the private pictures? Oh yeah, what's up with that? I do what I want with my art.
I've had it with your art.
I didn't say tackle him.
Longos-- never let them in your house.
I'll go to the party.
I'll text you.
I'll remember what everybody wore.
Nobody will kiss me.
It'll be just like you were there.
You're a good boy.
Bring your sister some cake.
I'm just gonna lie down.
What were you thinking, fighting in the house? I know, I know.
You know, if Tony was here, I would smack your heads together.
The next time you have a disagreement with someone, use your words.
Okay.
I'm just glad this house is gonna be down to one Longo.
That should be the legal limit.
Oh my gosh, Mel! The comments, the comments! What comments? All about your racy photos on "The Toledo Blade" website.
Oh, you know what? I'm still upset about those photos.
I don't want to hear about it any more.
Women everywhere love you.
I knew they did.
Tell me how much.
This much! Only even more because my wingspan is petite.
Look-- they say you're "liberated, independent" "Strong, sexy, empowered.
" You're like Beyonce.
I am.
This whole Tony thing ended up being a good deal for you.
I'm telling you, my brother is actually a pretty good guy.
And he's fun to be around.
Are you crazy? After what he did to me? What are you talking about? You took your clothes off in a room with a man and a camera.
What did you expect? Not that they would end up on "The Blade.
" Everybody loves you.
Your approval ratings went through the roof.
Yeah, but I still think he's a jerk.
Well, he's moving in the right direction.
And I invited him back for Thanksgiving.