Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e25 Episode Script
Mork's Best Friend
Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! ( theme song playing ) Mindy? What? Guess what followed me home? What followed you home? Can I keep it, huh, Mindy, huh? ( whistles ) Can I, hmm? This is one of those questions I always dread.
All right, what is it? It's real cute.
Mm-hmm.
It's fuzzy.
Mm-hmm.
It's about this tall.
A dog that's been run over by a truck? Oh, Mindy, that's so sick.
Squashed dogs can't follow you home.
Look.
It's a kittypiller! Oh, that's a caterpillar.
Not for a few weeks yet, it hasn't got hair on its chest.
No, they're always called caterpillars.
Oh, idiot moi.
Well, does it have a name yet? Well, I like to call her Bob.
See? She looked up when I said her name.
Oh, that end isn't her head.
Really? I thought she was smiling at me.
Here we go, Bob.
There we go.
Go for a walk in the candy dish.
There we go.
Now, I hope you're not hypoglycemic.
So, Mork, a caterpillar followed you home, huh? Yeah, I had to walk real slow and like this.
How do you know that it's a girl? Are you kidding, with a body like that? Well, I think you have a lovely insect and you two do make a lovely couple, but I have a French class tonight and I'm going to go change my clothes.
Oh, why don't you show Bob the rest of the house.
Thank you.
Now, Bob, don't get mad.
It's all right.
You'll get to like Mindy once you get to know her.
She's just a little jealous.
I mean, she doesn't have a fur coat like yours.
Well, now that we're here, let's relax.
Sit down.
Put your feet up.
Put your feet up.
Put your feet up.
Put your feet up.
( knocking on door ) I'll be right back, my petite fuzz.
Un moment.
Why don't you slip into something more silky.
Ar-ark! Mork! Exidor! In this life, yes.
Do you mind? We're having a private conversation.
I told you guys to wait on the moped.
Get out! Entourages can be the pits.
Exidor, come in.
Sit down.
I'd like you to meet my insect.
Plenty of time for that later.
Mork I have come here to preach the only true religion.
What's the only true religion this time? Reincarnation! We have all lived before, and we shall all be born again.
Oh, the ultimate déjà vu.
In a previous life, I was a very famous person.
Guess who.
Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? Just to meet girls.
Are you currently in a Broadway show? No.
Are you bigger than a bread box? Yes.
I got it.
You're the editor of the National Enquirer.
He's not dead.
I can wait.
I'm surprised, Mork.
I thought you'd guess.
I was Julius Caesar.
I had the little laurel leaves right around the ear.
And if you look closely, you can even see a little mulch.
You were Julius Caesar? Absolutely.
I know because I get stabbing pains every Ides of March.
Really? Then you'll enjoy meeting my new friend, Bob.
You made friends with a fuzzy Tootsie Roll? No, it's, no, look closer.
It's a caterpillar.
Why, this is no ordinary caterpillar, Mork.
This is the reincarnation of Abraham Lincoln! No! Yes! How can you tell? Is that the face of someone who would tolerate slavery? That's not her face.
Really? I thought she was smiling at me.
Well, I have to be going, but don't worry, Mork, I'll be coming back if you get my drift.
Mork I know her.
Cleopatra! It's me, Julie! What? How quickly they forget.
Those robes somehow look strangely familiar.
They ought to be after what you and Marc Antony did to him.
You and that asp of yours.
You know, Mork, between your friends and your pets, I sometimes wonder if you're an advanced alien being, or just an intergalactic bozo.
The answer is ( mimics computer beeps ) Both! Oh, look Mindy, Bob's hungry.
Do you have anything green in the ice box? Hmm last month's cottage cheese.
Oh, leafy green is better than lumpy green, but I'll give it a try.
Listen, I'm going to be late for class.
I've got to go.
Hey, maybe you can get something from Mr.
Bickley.
No, I've already had my shots.
I mean food, silly.
Bye.
I'll see you later.
You have a bug for a pet? Oh, yes.
I pulled a thorn out of his paw and the other 13 legs followed me home.
Nobody has a bug for a pet.
Are you kidding? Bob's clean.
She's leaf-broken.
She's a skilled mime, too.
Bob, do your "Caterpillar Walking Against the Wind.
" Bugs can't do diddly.
Now, a dog is something you can train.
Look.
Bickie, oh, sweetheart.
Bickie can do lots of tricks.
You can train him to do anything.
Look, he can wave.
Wave, Bickie.
He can salute.
He can pledge allegiance Oh, yeah? Bob can pledge allegiance to 14 countries at once! Bickie can sit up and beg.
Well, Bob doesn't have to.
She's independently wealthy.
That's stupid.
If you put that thing on the rug, it would look like a cigarette burn.
I'm a busy man.
I'm having my dinner and I don't have to sit around and listen while you try to convince me that your insipid bug is superior to my stupid dog.
Oh, really? You shouldn't have said that.
Bob, no! Bob, no! Down, Bob! Down, Bob! I don't want to listen to any more of this inane conversation about insects.
Are you implying that you want me to bug off? Right.
All right.
I hope you realize, Mr.
Bickley, that you're being awfully cruel.
You're hurting the feelings of another life-form.
Okay, I'll be good.
Your pet, Bob, has one worthwhile use.
What's that? He'd make a great bookmark.
Oh MINDY: Where is the "other woman"? Shh.
She's asleep.
In a brand-new, combination log cabin and condominium.
See? I built her a little hot tub and some lawn furniture.
Here's a little chaise lounge and inside, she has a beetle for a chauffeur, a dragonfly for a hairdresser.
She's got a little vicious watch-ant to protect her property, see? It always goes for the toes.
( squeaking ): Nyah, nyah! And tomorrow I'm going to take her to the movie The Swarm, because Bob says she knows one of the stunt bees personally.
Well, you certainly are being nice to her, Mork.
I can see why she looks up to you.
Mindy, Bob looks up to everybody.
Yeah, but not everybody's that nice to their pet.
Yeah, I know.
Tomorrow I'm going to take her for a crawl.
Now, where would you take a caterpillar for a crawl? Well, she loves the outdoors, so that's why I'm taking her to your philodendron so she can feel a little dirt between her toes and crawl softly and slowly.
So, how's that French class of yours? Comme ci, comme ça.
What's that mean? ( imitates Mork ): Eeh-eh, eeh-eh.
Did you hear that, Bob? Comme ci, comme ça means eeh-eh.
I do that, too.
Bob, you got to wake up now, sleepyhead.
Come on, you can't sleep your whole life away.
Time for a little Yoga.
Let's go.
Bob! Nova! Come on, Bob.
Bob What are you doing? I'm giving her cardiopulmonary resuscitation.
It's too late.
Bob's dead.
Ooh Oh, she was so young, so beautiful.
She had so much to live for.
I was going to buy her those ballet shoes.
Mork, even caterpillars have to die.
There's one last hope.
Exidor's coming in a minute.
Why did you call him? Maybe he can bring Bob back.
He's into reincarnation.
Oh, Mork, you're just going to have to face the facts.
Bob is gone for good.
Oh, I know.
I blame myself.
I should have known she was sick when she looked up and went "Ug-Ugh!" Mork, it was only a bug! What?! All right, I didn't mean that, but it's not your fault that it died.
Oh, you're right.
Yeah, you're right.
It was your fault, wasn't it? ( evil laughter ) Yeah, you were jealous, weren't you? You had better legs, but she had more of them.
Now that she's dead, you want to laugh! Well, go ahead.
Awr-awr-awr-awr! Mork, what are you saying?! ( crying ): Oh, Mindy, Mindy, Oh Mindy! Oh Oh! If this is the emotion of grief, it really stinks.
Oh, Mork, I understand.
Earthlings feel the same way when a pet they love dies.
Love ha! Who said it was love? It was just a stupid bug.
I know what you're going through.
I really do.
Oh, Mindy, how could I say that about her? I worshipped the ground that she crawled on.
Mork! I came over as soon as you called.
What's wrong? Abraham Lincoln's dead again.
Um, excuse me, Mr.
Exidor, but what exactly is it that you do? I'm a spirit migration engineer.
You're a grave robber? No, that's a body migration engineer.
( sobbing ): Oh oh, no.
It's all right, Mork.
We still have time.
If we hurry, we can bring Bob back as a lower life-form.
What's lower than a caterpillar? A caterpillar trainee.
Oh How can we do that? The entire process has been formulated scientifically by Dr.
Paul Kerns, Professor of Reincarnation at Colorado Tech.
Well, as long as it's scientific.
First, we'll do the magic incantation.
Repeat after me: Ohwah Ohwah Ta jer Ta jer Kiam.
Kiam.
Now repeat it quickly, Mork.
Ohwah ta jer kiam.
Ohwah ta jer kiam.
Oh, what a jerk I am.
Oh, what a jerk Exidor, how can you make jokes at a time like this?! Mork, lighten up.
You're always so serious.
But Bob's dead.
Not dead, just preparing her comeback.
It's now time for the Ritual Reincarnation Boogie.
Arise, oh, defunct creepy crawler! Arise, oh, many-legged cadaver! Well, that's that.
What's what? Nothing happened! Oh, that's a shocker.
Bob has been reincarnated as a cow.
That's wonderful.
No, that's terrible! He'll be eaten.
No, she's safe.
She's in India.
She's sacred.
( Indian accent ): Holy cow.
Remember to call me if anybody else you love dies.
Oh, well, thanks so much for everything.
You used to have the best barge in Egypt.
Hey, you kids, get away from that mule! Mindy, I know.
Sometimes Exidor can have Swiss cheese for brains, but tell me the truth, Bob's gone forever, isn't she? Yes.
Oh.
Well, what do you Earthlings do when your pets die? Oh, well, usually we have a little funeral and then flush them down I mean, uh, we we bury them.
We can do that for Bob, then, can we? Sure we can, Mork.
We'll talk about it tomorrow, okay? Oh, thanks, Mindy.
Well, I'd better get started.
Started doing what? Well, it's the least I can do.
I've got to notify the 86 million next of kin.
( mimics insect buzzing ) Bob is dead.
Pass it on.
( buzzing ) How about late August? Yeah, yeah, it's usually pretty dead around here then.
Oh I'll talk to you later, Jim.
Just got a vertical.
Hello.
May I be of assistance? Yes.
Is this the place where you bring the dead? Those who have passed into spirit are always welcome here.
I don't know if she passed into spirit, but she sure croaked.
Yes, well, you are in the right place.
Please, uh, sit down, won't you? Now, was the deceased a relative of yours? No.
I only knew her a few days.
Oh, you're very kind to be making arrangements for her everlasting peace.
Well, it's the least I could do; we lived together.
Oh, I see.
Well, not to worry.
We here at the Herman Funeral Home, we don't make judgments on our clients' lifestyles.
What was her name? Bob.
I see.
And the last name? I don't know.
Last names weren't important to us.
I can imagine.
Well now, I would only assume that you would want Bob to have the best.
That sounds wonderful.
Now, what would you like for an epitaph? Well, I could start off with a shrimp cocktail, have some espresso ( sighs ) No, I mean what would you like written on the headstone? Oh.
Here lies Bob.
She's dead.
It's a beautiful sentiment.
And totally accurate.
Now, let's see.
Adding on a simple wreath, a small spray of flowers, pallbearers, basic ceremony and a compact hearse That comes to $2,800.
For what? For the funeral, the expenses.
You mean it costs money to die? Only if you want to die decently.
Bob died great.
And nothing you can do will make her feel any better.
But the point is to make you feel better.
Well, the only way I'll feel better is if Bob stayed with me forever and ever.
And that's exactly what I'm going to do keep her with me in my room.
Keep her with you in your BICKLEY: Some cocktail party.
Where's the pretzels? What are you talking about? Mork sent me this card saying he was having a cocktail party.
Well, I knew you wouldn't come if I told you it was a funeral.
A funeral? Who died? Our dear departed Bob.
That caterpillar? I thought she keeled over weeks ago.
( exaggerated whimper ) Renewed sorrow! Anguish! And assorted other emotions.
He's been keeping that thing in his pocket.
I finally convinced him it was time to put poor old Bob to rest.
Well, if you'll excuse me Oh, no, please don't go, Mr.
Bickley.
I don't go to bug wakes.
Look, I know this sounds silly, but Mork really loved that bug.
And besides, for afterwards, I got a bottle of your favorite snack.
Oh, all right.
But don't ask me to view the body.
Please be seated.
BICKLEY: Hey, what's this? I've never seen a casket that offers a course in computer programming.
( clearing throat ) ( ostentatiously ): What can you say about a caterpillar? Bob was all that and more.
She was a friend, a joy, an inspiration.
Bob will never do the things she dreamed of now that she's stiff city.
It's not going to be easy to follow in her footsteps, but tomorrow, seven of us are going to try.
All I have to say in closing is, "If you knew Bobbie like I knew Bobbie, oy, oy, oy, what a bug.
" And now to say a few words, a fine, upstanding shiksa in her own right a personal friend of mine and Bobbie's, Mindy McConnell.
( mumbling ): Please come up Me?! Uh although, uh, Bob and I lived under th-the same roof, we-we never really knew each other that well.
I mean, I'm even afraid of spiders, right? Anyway, in spite of our differences, I-I feel that I-I got to know Bob better than any other caterpillar I ever met, and, uh she sure was great, Bob was.
Thank you, Mindala.
And now, a man who is said to have the warmth of a snow pea Mr.
Bickley.
Mr.
Bickley, a few words.
( mumbling ) ( whipsering ) With heavy heart and mournful eyes and tears that softly flow we say our final, sad good-byes, to a fuzzy escargot.
( crying ) Hog slop.
When I first met Bob, I had no way of knowing she was on her last legs.
But, uh, I realized she was a good pet.
Not as good as dog, though.
A dog can hop up on your bed and snuggle his cute little face next to you ( weeping ): in the bed and softly whimper when he's hungry and and put his little paw in yours as though to say, "I love you, Daddy.
" Oh, I can't take it anymore! I'm coming, Bickey! Daddy's coming! Daddy's! And now it's time for the burial.
Oh, you want the Evelyn Wood version? I want to bury her out here in your philodendron so she'd always be outdoors.
Oh who are you and what have you done with Bob? That is Bob, Mork.
She's turned into a butterfly.
Quick, take her to the window.
Mindy, I don't understand.
What's happening? Well, see, Bob wasn't dead.
She was just changing.
Caterpillars turn into butterflies.
Oh, I guess I'd better set her free.
There we go, Bob.
Fly, Bob! Be free! There you go, Bob! Oh, she was beautiful.
Yeah.
Well, now I guess you probably believe what Exidor said about reincarnation, right? No, I still think Exidor had his head up his foot.
Maybe he's right, though.
Maybe when you die, something beautiful happens.
That's a nice thought.
Hey, let's go follow Bob.
All right.
I could have made it.
MORK: Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Yo, Battlestar Gigantica.
Here I am, Mork.
What do you have to report? Well, sir, this week I learned many wonderful things.
First of all, I learned the meaning of the old Earth phrase, "You can't take it with you," because I went to the place where you have to leave it.
It's called a funeral home.
Is that where they put old funerals? Close, you old gobbler.
You get half a laugh for that one.
( soft honking bark ) No, actually a funeral is like a track meet.
First of all, you have to wear black, you don't need a stopwatch, and one of the guys is really lousy in a relay race.
You really have a way with words, Mork.
Oh, thank you, Your Immenseness.
You should have heard the eulogy I did for my caterpillar.
Mindy says that when he dies, he'll go to Heaven and be with all the other bugs and he'll be very happy and everything will be beautiful.
Tell me, if Heaven is so beautiful, so perfect, so great, how come humans don't want to die? Who wants to be with all those bugs? What do you think happens when something dies, Mork? I don't know, sir.
All I know is when my caterpillar became a butterfly and sprouted wings and flew away, she looked kind of a like a little angel.
See you next week.
( to "Hallelujah" melody ): Na-nu na-nu Na-nu na-nu, na-na-na-nu, na-na-na-nu, na-na-na-nu Na-nu na-nu ( theme song playing )
( loud clank ) Shazbot! ( theme song playing ) Mindy? What? Guess what followed me home? What followed you home? Can I keep it, huh, Mindy, huh? ( whistles ) Can I, hmm? This is one of those questions I always dread.
All right, what is it? It's real cute.
Mm-hmm.
It's fuzzy.
Mm-hmm.
It's about this tall.
A dog that's been run over by a truck? Oh, Mindy, that's so sick.
Squashed dogs can't follow you home.
Look.
It's a kittypiller! Oh, that's a caterpillar.
Not for a few weeks yet, it hasn't got hair on its chest.
No, they're always called caterpillars.
Oh, idiot moi.
Well, does it have a name yet? Well, I like to call her Bob.
See? She looked up when I said her name.
Oh, that end isn't her head.
Really? I thought she was smiling at me.
Here we go, Bob.
There we go.
Go for a walk in the candy dish.
There we go.
Now, I hope you're not hypoglycemic.
So, Mork, a caterpillar followed you home, huh? Yeah, I had to walk real slow and like this.
How do you know that it's a girl? Are you kidding, with a body like that? Well, I think you have a lovely insect and you two do make a lovely couple, but I have a French class tonight and I'm going to go change my clothes.
Oh, why don't you show Bob the rest of the house.
Thank you.
Now, Bob, don't get mad.
It's all right.
You'll get to like Mindy once you get to know her.
She's just a little jealous.
I mean, she doesn't have a fur coat like yours.
Well, now that we're here, let's relax.
Sit down.
Put your feet up.
Put your feet up.
Put your feet up.
Put your feet up.
( knocking on door ) I'll be right back, my petite fuzz.
Un moment.
Why don't you slip into something more silky.
Ar-ark! Mork! Exidor! In this life, yes.
Do you mind? We're having a private conversation.
I told you guys to wait on the moped.
Get out! Entourages can be the pits.
Exidor, come in.
Sit down.
I'd like you to meet my insect.
Plenty of time for that later.
Mork I have come here to preach the only true religion.
What's the only true religion this time? Reincarnation! We have all lived before, and we shall all be born again.
Oh, the ultimate déjà vu.
In a previous life, I was a very famous person.
Guess who.
Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? Just to meet girls.
Are you currently in a Broadway show? No.
Are you bigger than a bread box? Yes.
I got it.
You're the editor of the National Enquirer.
He's not dead.
I can wait.
I'm surprised, Mork.
I thought you'd guess.
I was Julius Caesar.
I had the little laurel leaves right around the ear.
And if you look closely, you can even see a little mulch.
You were Julius Caesar? Absolutely.
I know because I get stabbing pains every Ides of March.
Really? Then you'll enjoy meeting my new friend, Bob.
You made friends with a fuzzy Tootsie Roll? No, it's, no, look closer.
It's a caterpillar.
Why, this is no ordinary caterpillar, Mork.
This is the reincarnation of Abraham Lincoln! No! Yes! How can you tell? Is that the face of someone who would tolerate slavery? That's not her face.
Really? I thought she was smiling at me.
Well, I have to be going, but don't worry, Mork, I'll be coming back if you get my drift.
Mork I know her.
Cleopatra! It's me, Julie! What? How quickly they forget.
Those robes somehow look strangely familiar.
They ought to be after what you and Marc Antony did to him.
You and that asp of yours.
You know, Mork, between your friends and your pets, I sometimes wonder if you're an advanced alien being, or just an intergalactic bozo.
The answer is ( mimics computer beeps ) Both! Oh, look Mindy, Bob's hungry.
Do you have anything green in the ice box? Hmm last month's cottage cheese.
Oh, leafy green is better than lumpy green, but I'll give it a try.
Listen, I'm going to be late for class.
I've got to go.
Hey, maybe you can get something from Mr.
Bickley.
No, I've already had my shots.
I mean food, silly.
Bye.
I'll see you later.
You have a bug for a pet? Oh, yes.
I pulled a thorn out of his paw and the other 13 legs followed me home.
Nobody has a bug for a pet.
Are you kidding? Bob's clean.
She's leaf-broken.
She's a skilled mime, too.
Bob, do your "Caterpillar Walking Against the Wind.
" Bugs can't do diddly.
Now, a dog is something you can train.
Look.
Bickie, oh, sweetheart.
Bickie can do lots of tricks.
You can train him to do anything.
Look, he can wave.
Wave, Bickie.
He can salute.
He can pledge allegiance Oh, yeah? Bob can pledge allegiance to 14 countries at once! Bickie can sit up and beg.
Well, Bob doesn't have to.
She's independently wealthy.
That's stupid.
If you put that thing on the rug, it would look like a cigarette burn.
I'm a busy man.
I'm having my dinner and I don't have to sit around and listen while you try to convince me that your insipid bug is superior to my stupid dog.
Oh, really? You shouldn't have said that.
Bob, no! Bob, no! Down, Bob! Down, Bob! I don't want to listen to any more of this inane conversation about insects.
Are you implying that you want me to bug off? Right.
All right.
I hope you realize, Mr.
Bickley, that you're being awfully cruel.
You're hurting the feelings of another life-form.
Okay, I'll be good.
Your pet, Bob, has one worthwhile use.
What's that? He'd make a great bookmark.
Oh MINDY: Where is the "other woman"? Shh.
She's asleep.
In a brand-new, combination log cabin and condominium.
See? I built her a little hot tub and some lawn furniture.
Here's a little chaise lounge and inside, she has a beetle for a chauffeur, a dragonfly for a hairdresser.
She's got a little vicious watch-ant to protect her property, see? It always goes for the toes.
( squeaking ): Nyah, nyah! And tomorrow I'm going to take her to the movie The Swarm, because Bob says she knows one of the stunt bees personally.
Well, you certainly are being nice to her, Mork.
I can see why she looks up to you.
Mindy, Bob looks up to everybody.
Yeah, but not everybody's that nice to their pet.
Yeah, I know.
Tomorrow I'm going to take her for a crawl.
Now, where would you take a caterpillar for a crawl? Well, she loves the outdoors, so that's why I'm taking her to your philodendron so she can feel a little dirt between her toes and crawl softly and slowly.
So, how's that French class of yours? Comme ci, comme ça.
What's that mean? ( imitates Mork ): Eeh-eh, eeh-eh.
Did you hear that, Bob? Comme ci, comme ça means eeh-eh.
I do that, too.
Bob, you got to wake up now, sleepyhead.
Come on, you can't sleep your whole life away.
Time for a little Yoga.
Let's go.
Bob! Nova! Come on, Bob.
Bob What are you doing? I'm giving her cardiopulmonary resuscitation.
It's too late.
Bob's dead.
Ooh Oh, she was so young, so beautiful.
She had so much to live for.
I was going to buy her those ballet shoes.
Mork, even caterpillars have to die.
There's one last hope.
Exidor's coming in a minute.
Why did you call him? Maybe he can bring Bob back.
He's into reincarnation.
Oh, Mork, you're just going to have to face the facts.
Bob is gone for good.
Oh, I know.
I blame myself.
I should have known she was sick when she looked up and went "Ug-Ugh!" Mork, it was only a bug! What?! All right, I didn't mean that, but it's not your fault that it died.
Oh, you're right.
Yeah, you're right.
It was your fault, wasn't it? ( evil laughter ) Yeah, you were jealous, weren't you? You had better legs, but she had more of them.
Now that she's dead, you want to laugh! Well, go ahead.
Awr-awr-awr-awr! Mork, what are you saying?! ( crying ): Oh, Mindy, Mindy, Oh Mindy! Oh Oh! If this is the emotion of grief, it really stinks.
Oh, Mork, I understand.
Earthlings feel the same way when a pet they love dies.
Love ha! Who said it was love? It was just a stupid bug.
I know what you're going through.
I really do.
Oh, Mindy, how could I say that about her? I worshipped the ground that she crawled on.
Mork! I came over as soon as you called.
What's wrong? Abraham Lincoln's dead again.
Um, excuse me, Mr.
Exidor, but what exactly is it that you do? I'm a spirit migration engineer.
You're a grave robber? No, that's a body migration engineer.
( sobbing ): Oh oh, no.
It's all right, Mork.
We still have time.
If we hurry, we can bring Bob back as a lower life-form.
What's lower than a caterpillar? A caterpillar trainee.
Oh How can we do that? The entire process has been formulated scientifically by Dr.
Paul Kerns, Professor of Reincarnation at Colorado Tech.
Well, as long as it's scientific.
First, we'll do the magic incantation.
Repeat after me: Ohwah Ohwah Ta jer Ta jer Kiam.
Kiam.
Now repeat it quickly, Mork.
Ohwah ta jer kiam.
Ohwah ta jer kiam.
Oh, what a jerk I am.
Oh, what a jerk Exidor, how can you make jokes at a time like this?! Mork, lighten up.
You're always so serious.
But Bob's dead.
Not dead, just preparing her comeback.
It's now time for the Ritual Reincarnation Boogie.
Arise, oh, defunct creepy crawler! Arise, oh, many-legged cadaver! Well, that's that.
What's what? Nothing happened! Oh, that's a shocker.
Bob has been reincarnated as a cow.
That's wonderful.
No, that's terrible! He'll be eaten.
No, she's safe.
She's in India.
She's sacred.
( Indian accent ): Holy cow.
Remember to call me if anybody else you love dies.
Oh, well, thanks so much for everything.
You used to have the best barge in Egypt.
Hey, you kids, get away from that mule! Mindy, I know.
Sometimes Exidor can have Swiss cheese for brains, but tell me the truth, Bob's gone forever, isn't she? Yes.
Oh.
Well, what do you Earthlings do when your pets die? Oh, well, usually we have a little funeral and then flush them down I mean, uh, we we bury them.
We can do that for Bob, then, can we? Sure we can, Mork.
We'll talk about it tomorrow, okay? Oh, thanks, Mindy.
Well, I'd better get started.
Started doing what? Well, it's the least I can do.
I've got to notify the 86 million next of kin.
( mimics insect buzzing ) Bob is dead.
Pass it on.
( buzzing ) How about late August? Yeah, yeah, it's usually pretty dead around here then.
Oh I'll talk to you later, Jim.
Just got a vertical.
Hello.
May I be of assistance? Yes.
Is this the place where you bring the dead? Those who have passed into spirit are always welcome here.
I don't know if she passed into spirit, but she sure croaked.
Yes, well, you are in the right place.
Please, uh, sit down, won't you? Now, was the deceased a relative of yours? No.
I only knew her a few days.
Oh, you're very kind to be making arrangements for her everlasting peace.
Well, it's the least I could do; we lived together.
Oh, I see.
Well, not to worry.
We here at the Herman Funeral Home, we don't make judgments on our clients' lifestyles.
What was her name? Bob.
I see.
And the last name? I don't know.
Last names weren't important to us.
I can imagine.
Well now, I would only assume that you would want Bob to have the best.
That sounds wonderful.
Now, what would you like for an epitaph? Well, I could start off with a shrimp cocktail, have some espresso ( sighs ) No, I mean what would you like written on the headstone? Oh.
Here lies Bob.
She's dead.
It's a beautiful sentiment.
And totally accurate.
Now, let's see.
Adding on a simple wreath, a small spray of flowers, pallbearers, basic ceremony and a compact hearse That comes to $2,800.
For what? For the funeral, the expenses.
You mean it costs money to die? Only if you want to die decently.
Bob died great.
And nothing you can do will make her feel any better.
But the point is to make you feel better.
Well, the only way I'll feel better is if Bob stayed with me forever and ever.
And that's exactly what I'm going to do keep her with me in my room.
Keep her with you in your BICKLEY: Some cocktail party.
Where's the pretzels? What are you talking about? Mork sent me this card saying he was having a cocktail party.
Well, I knew you wouldn't come if I told you it was a funeral.
A funeral? Who died? Our dear departed Bob.
That caterpillar? I thought she keeled over weeks ago.
( exaggerated whimper ) Renewed sorrow! Anguish! And assorted other emotions.
He's been keeping that thing in his pocket.
I finally convinced him it was time to put poor old Bob to rest.
Well, if you'll excuse me Oh, no, please don't go, Mr.
Bickley.
I don't go to bug wakes.
Look, I know this sounds silly, but Mork really loved that bug.
And besides, for afterwards, I got a bottle of your favorite snack.
Oh, all right.
But don't ask me to view the body.
Please be seated.
BICKLEY: Hey, what's this? I've never seen a casket that offers a course in computer programming.
( clearing throat ) ( ostentatiously ): What can you say about a caterpillar? Bob was all that and more.
She was a friend, a joy, an inspiration.
Bob will never do the things she dreamed of now that she's stiff city.
It's not going to be easy to follow in her footsteps, but tomorrow, seven of us are going to try.
All I have to say in closing is, "If you knew Bobbie like I knew Bobbie, oy, oy, oy, what a bug.
" And now to say a few words, a fine, upstanding shiksa in her own right a personal friend of mine and Bobbie's, Mindy McConnell.
( mumbling ): Please come up Me?! Uh although, uh, Bob and I lived under th-the same roof, we-we never really knew each other that well.
I mean, I'm even afraid of spiders, right? Anyway, in spite of our differences, I-I feel that I-I got to know Bob better than any other caterpillar I ever met, and, uh she sure was great, Bob was.
Thank you, Mindala.
And now, a man who is said to have the warmth of a snow pea Mr.
Bickley.
Mr.
Bickley, a few words.
( mumbling ) ( whipsering ) With heavy heart and mournful eyes and tears that softly flow we say our final, sad good-byes, to a fuzzy escargot.
( crying ) Hog slop.
When I first met Bob, I had no way of knowing she was on her last legs.
But, uh, I realized she was a good pet.
Not as good as dog, though.
A dog can hop up on your bed and snuggle his cute little face next to you ( weeping ): in the bed and softly whimper when he's hungry and and put his little paw in yours as though to say, "I love you, Daddy.
" Oh, I can't take it anymore! I'm coming, Bickey! Daddy's coming! Daddy's! And now it's time for the burial.
Oh, you want the Evelyn Wood version? I want to bury her out here in your philodendron so she'd always be outdoors.
Oh who are you and what have you done with Bob? That is Bob, Mork.
She's turned into a butterfly.
Quick, take her to the window.
Mindy, I don't understand.
What's happening? Well, see, Bob wasn't dead.
She was just changing.
Caterpillars turn into butterflies.
Oh, I guess I'd better set her free.
There we go, Bob.
Fly, Bob! Be free! There you go, Bob! Oh, she was beautiful.
Yeah.
Well, now I guess you probably believe what Exidor said about reincarnation, right? No, I still think Exidor had his head up his foot.
Maybe he's right, though.
Maybe when you die, something beautiful happens.
That's a nice thought.
Hey, let's go follow Bob.
All right.
I could have made it.
MORK: Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Yo, Battlestar Gigantica.
Here I am, Mork.
What do you have to report? Well, sir, this week I learned many wonderful things.
First of all, I learned the meaning of the old Earth phrase, "You can't take it with you," because I went to the place where you have to leave it.
It's called a funeral home.
Is that where they put old funerals? Close, you old gobbler.
You get half a laugh for that one.
( soft honking bark ) No, actually a funeral is like a track meet.
First of all, you have to wear black, you don't need a stopwatch, and one of the guys is really lousy in a relay race.
You really have a way with words, Mork.
Oh, thank you, Your Immenseness.
You should have heard the eulogy I did for my caterpillar.
Mindy says that when he dies, he'll go to Heaven and be with all the other bugs and he'll be very happy and everything will be beautiful.
Tell me, if Heaven is so beautiful, so perfect, so great, how come humans don't want to die? Who wants to be with all those bugs? What do you think happens when something dies, Mork? I don't know, sir.
All I know is when my caterpillar became a butterfly and sprouted wings and flew away, she looked kind of a like a little angel.
See you next week.
( to "Hallelujah" melody ): Na-nu na-nu Na-nu na-nu, na-na-na-nu, na-na-na-nu, na-na-na-nu Na-nu na-nu ( theme song playing )