Sam and Cat (2013) s01e25 Episode Script

Katniss Everdeen I'll go get us a table.
Kay-kay.
Hey, you should go with him.
Why? So you won't be near me.
Sam, you make such funny jokes.
I'll go with him.
Excuse me! Excuse me! Whoa.
What? Hi.
Bots is closed.
This is a private party for a young boy's birthday.
We know.
We're invited to the party.
We babysit for little Otis.
Yeah, you big bucket o' nuts.
I may be a machine, but I will live forever, unlike you humans who will one day all be dead.
Enjoy the party! Come on, I'm gonna go put my present for Otis on the table with all the other ones.
I can't believe you didn't get Otis a present.
I did.
See? The card says right here, "from Uncle George And Sam.
" Come on.
Kind of a boring birthday party.
I'll say.
Poor Otis.
Well, wait till Otis sees us.
He loves us.
Oh, there's Otis.
Oh yeah.
Otis.
My man.
What was that? What? I gave the kid a big friendly "hey" and all I get is Well, I don't even understand this birthday party.
Why aren't the children talking to each other? Whoa! Level 44! I'm on 44! Oh.
They're playing "Brain Crush.
" Oh, of course.
Oh yeah.
What's "Brain Crush"? You don't know much, do ya? Dice.
"Brain crush" is this new game that every kid on earth is playing.
Not just kids.
Well, how come I've never heard of "Brain Crush"? Probably 'cause they don't write about it in "Elderly magazine.
" Sam.
You know, I don't appreciate your comments about how elderly people are not with it.
I'm with it.
Hey, you guys know that you can use your phone to take a picture? Cheese.
Cheese.
I can't defend you anymore.
Hey, hey, kids! It's me! Jug-o! Yay, I love jug-o! He's juggled for the vice president! Okay, kids.
You see these three wigs on a stick? Well, check this out! Oh! Oh, wow! Now watch jug-o go! Whoa! Oh my stars, look at those whirling wigs! Yeah, but look at the kids.
They're not even watching.
Nope, 'cause they're all obsessed with "Brain Crush.
" Hey, hey, look at me.
I'm juggling flaming wigs.
See me? Kids? Not one kid is even watching him.
This is sad.
Kids.
Kids! Hey! There's a man right there juggling for your entertainment.
He's worked his whole life for this.
Yeah, give the guy a break.
He probably still lives with his mother in her basement.
He's probably never dated a woman.
Jug-o can hear you.
All those kids care about is playing that dumb game.
It's terrible.
Oh, here comes the birthday cake.
That'll get their attention.
Happy happy happy Happy Birthday happy happy happy Happy Birthday everybody wants to wish you a Happy Birthday look, kids.
Cake! Who wants cake? They don't even want cake.
Oh, come on.
Nobody wants cake? Let me help you out here.
I'm never that far no matter where you are believe it we can make it come true we'll do it our way no matter what they say 'cause no one's gonna do it for you yeah but I-I-I-I-I I'll never say never as long as we keep it together if you're living a dream and you know what it means then you can't let them change your mind it's the life that we choose and we still break the rules but it's all gonna be just fine Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine you and me we're gonna be just fine hey.
Hey, Cat? Yeah? I'm trying to get a nail into this door frame here.
Would you grab me a hammer out of that toolbox? Hammer.
Hammer.
No hammer in here.
Well, how am I supposed to pound a nail into the Sam! What? Don't use your head.
Use this.
I just asked you if we had one of those.
You asked if we had a hammer.
Well, what do you call that? A nail banger.
Wait.
What's wrong with our door? - Well, I got home and I couldn't find my key so I kicked the door in.
What's that black coat for? Oh, it's a part of my costume for my play tomorrow night.
What play? I told you.
My one-girl show, "Baberaham Lincoln.
" Baberaham? - "Baberaham Lincoln.
" - Baberaham? - Yeah.
Yeah.
All about the life of Abraham Lincoln were he a lady.
Wow, that sounds so great.
I'm not going.
If you come to my play tomorrow night I'll pop that thing on your back.
Okay.
Yay! And gross.
All right, I'll see you in a little bit.
Where you going? To Elderly Acres so Nona can help me finish my costume and do my laundry.
Won't take much soap to wash this.
Put it back.
Hey, if I put my laundry in a bag and come with you, will Nona do mine, too? Yeah.
Even my stinkables? We don't use that word.
Stankables? What is all that? My dirty clothes.
When was the last time you did laundry? When did I move in here? Ah geez.
Look, instead of judging me, why don't you come over here and pick up a bag? What's wrong with Dice? I don't know.
Hey man, what's up? Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's great, thanks.
What are you doing? No, I'm not hungry.
Hey, give it! "Brain crush"? Oh my God.
Give me my phone.
I'm almost on level 21! When did you start playing this stupid game? Last night.
You look like you haven't slept.
Why would I sleep when I can play "Brain Crush"? Give me my phone! Yes! Oh yeah, oh yeah, come on, crush the brains.
Crush 'em.
Ha! Ten more.
Give me more brains to crush.
He's moist.
Why are you all wet? I think I might've walked through a car wash.
This game's really fun.
You guys should try it.
I'll try it.
No! Listen.
People get addicted to that game and it could happen to you.
Then what? And then your grades at school start to go downhill and then you forget to bathe and you lose all your friends and then you can't even feel anything anymore.
See this? See? This game makes you dead in the head.
Poor Dice.
Yeah.
Now, let's go to Elderly Acres so Nona can do my laundry.
Wait, don't you have to finish fixing the door first? Oh yeah.
It'll just take a sec.
Oh, hey, your phone's about to die.
What? My battery! Give me your charger! It won't work.
Why not? 'Cause I have a slightly older phone so my charger won't work with your phone.
Doh! Why do they do that? To make us buy more cords.
I got to go.
Bye! No, no, no! Oh, Sam! Your fingers! Uh-huh.
They're smushed in the door! Yes, that's right.
Do you want me to Open the door? Yes I do.
Kay-kay.
Hurry.
But this cart is so heavy.
I don't see why you can't walk.
Look at my hands.
My fingers are crushed and these bandages you put me in are the size of cabbages.
Just help me out of this thing, would you? All right.
Take my, that's You're not You're not helping me.
Oh God, oh God.
Okay.
All right.
Now, let's find Nona.
Oh my so many brains to crush.
"Brain crush.
" We have to help Nona! It's too late for Nona! Well, we've got to to try.
Nona, put that game down! And do my laundry! So many brains to crush.
So many brains.
She's lost her mind.
Well, we got to snap her out of it.
This is a really fun game.
You guys should try it.
No! We need you to play a better game.
It's called "doing our laundry.
" I just hit level nine! Level nine.
Oh my God.
We gotta get outta here.
Nona, I need you to help me finish my Baberaham Lincoln costume.
Please, Nona.
Please help me finish my Baberaham costume.
What's happening? What's happening? What are all these people doing? What's happening? Close the doors! Close the doors! Lock them! How? I don't know! Oh gosh! Ow! They've gone insane.
What do we do? Oh good, a cop! Sir! Officer, we need you to do something! My Nona and all these elderlies are obsessed with this game called "Brain Crush.
" Have you heard about it? Yes.
It's a really fun game.
You guys should try it.
Wait! What? Get his utility belt! Why? It's got cool stuff on it.
Just do it! Ah! Cat! Come change the channel on the TV! I can't.
I'm putting on my costume! Hey! Hey! Ah! Will one of you brain-dead zombies get off your bat futts and come change the channel? Crush the brains.
"Brain crush.
" Purple brains.
Want more.
No.
I wanted to change the channel, not switch from hdmi to composite video.
Look.
I'm president Lincoln.
Had he been a lady.
What do you think? You really want to know? No.
Nona.
Dice.
Let's go.
Hey, look at my costume.
I'm Baberaham Hey! How do I get them to leave? Grab their games and run away screaming.
Kay-kay.
Hey! Hey, Cat! Hey, gimme my phone! Hey! Gimme my phone! Give it back! Give it back, I say! Give it back! I hate everybody.
That's right.
I used to live in a log cabin.
But since I'm a lady, I painted me log cabin pink and called it "Baberaham's cabin of pink logs.
" Hey.
Hey.
Why were you in the bathroom for so long? 'Cause both my hands are bandaged.
So? There was a monkey in the bathroom? Yes, Cat.
I was delayed by a monkey in the bathroom.
I hate it when that happens.
What's all that racket? There's a karate studio next door for kids.
A karate studio? Yeah.
They call it a "doojoo.
" Dojo.
No, my friend says they're called "doojoos.
" What friend? Jojo.
You met him.
Oh yeah, the deejay.
Yeah.
And you're sure that deejay jojo said that dojos are called "doojoos?" Cat? Oh, hi! Everyone's in their seats.
You can start your show whenever you're ready.
All right.
How's the audience? Are they excited? Why don't you just leave me alone? All right, kid.
You ready to go out there and put on your dumb little play? Yup.
Oh, Sam.
What? Your pants.
The zipper.
How am I gonna work a zipper? Ask the bathroom monkey.
Well, tiddle me winks.
I am Baberaham Lincoln.
Me goodness, it certainly is a lovely evening here tonight in the 1800s.
Why is she doing a British accent? No idea.
I live in this fine town called Springfield.
And, yes, I lived here long before the Simpsons did.
Ha, ha.
So, I built this here cabin out of logs me self.
And I painted them pink, I did.
And every night I would read me self a book by the fireplace.
Oh gosh! Too much.
Too much.
You guys are missing a heck of a show here.
So, one day I will be president of this fine land.
Hello, I'm acting up here! Get to the point where you get shot in the head.
They'll like that.
But nobody's even paying attention.
Excuse me? What? We're playing "Brain Crush.
" So? Could you shut up? All right.
Are you guys happy now? You made Baberaham Lincoln cry.
That's it! Gimme your, hand me your phone.
Stop it.
This is not the time to play "Brain Crush.
" Gimme the Stupid bandages! There will be a short intermission! I'm so sorry, Abe.
I tried.
I tried my best, but I failed.
I guess I guess theaters are just bad luck for us.
Hey, you okay? No.
I worked really hard on this play.
And all those stupid people care about is playing stupid "Brain Crush!" You're still gonna pop that thing on my back, right? I'm going home! No you're not! You're gonna go back out there and finish your terrible play.
Make them pay attention! How? I mean, normally I'd march right out there and force those jerks to quit playing their games, but Dice crushed my hands so I can't exactly Wait here.
Fix your makeup.
What? Why? What are you gonna do? Oh, Abe.
Why such a tall hat? All right, people.
This is your last chance.
Are you gonna put your games away and watch Cat's play or not? Level 56! Okay.
Kodomo tachi! Koko eh koi! Sah, sukuleen wo bukkowase! Come on.
Come on! Get hers! Get hers! Yes! Kodomo tachi! Take his! Yeah, what she said! Get 'em! Oh yes! You used the kids from the doojoo.
- Yup.
Now, I want you to pull yourself together and finish doing the worst play that anyone's ever seen.
I'll do it! Pay attention! Well, tiddle me winks.
Sam, I can't get my beard off.
Why can't you? 'Cause I used grizzly glue.
What? Grizzly glue is permanent! Ya dip! Oh, fiddle pie.
Come here, baby.
Nona, what are you gonna w'cha! Ow! Smothers brothers! That hurt! I can't believe I got so addicted to "Brain Crush.
" Me either, but holy moth balls did I love it! Everybody loves it.
Yeah, until people get bored with it, then get obsessed with the next dumb game.
I feel so sad for the world.
Why? 'Cause it's so awful how people spend so much time staring at screens, playing dumb games, tweeting, texting.
It's true.
It's terrible.
Yeah.
People have gotten so obsessed with their electronics, they've forgotten to appreciate the real world that's all around them.
Totally.
That's true.
So, what do you guys wanna do? Watch TV? Yes! Yay, boy.
Don't rush it 'cause you gotta flush it.
It's time for another episode of "toilet wars.
" Is that my toothbrush? Would I own a pink toothbrush that does this? Teeth, teeth, teeth I'm brushing all my teeth, teeth, teeth you gotta always brush your teeth, teeth, teeth to keep 'em clean all day teeth, teeth, teeth you know I love my teeth, teeth, teeth 'cause without 'em I can't eat, eat, eat so I brush 'em every way