The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s01e25 Episode Script

Hey, beautiful.
I love a woman with good reflexes.
Makes me crazy.
Get out.
Your mouth is saying "get out," but your eyes are saying "get busy.
" Daddy??? That's not going to work this time, Hil, darling.
Uncle Phil went to the supermarket, so he'll be gone for at least a week.
Mom??? She went with him.
Geoffrey??? - Yes, Miss Hilary? - You know the drill.
Hilary, why is it so hard for you to be nice to Jazz? You know he likes you.
I'm supposed to be nice to everyone who likes me? How much time do you think I have? So that's the reason for you to be mean to Jazz? - Look, Jazz will be fine.
- You think so? Well, I don't.
You don't know Jazz the way I know him.
He's a very sensitive person.
He has feelings that are very deep.
When you had Geoffrey throw him out, I think that was the last straw.
- I don't think he'll ever be the same.
- Really? Want to kiss my boo-boo? I hope that you didn't take my throwing you out of the house personally, Mr.
Jazz.
- It was strictly business.
- That's cool.
If you grab me in that place again, we're engaged.
Look, Jazz, if you want to get with Hilary you got to have a plan.
You mean mine hasn't been working? Jazz, that's the 18th time she threw you out of the house.
All a part of my plan.
We're home.
Later.
- Geoffrey, the groceries are in the kitchen.
- Yes, madam.
- Carlton has sunk to a new low.
- What? - Carlton, what's up with the crutches? - I'm practicing my new scam.
Girls love a guy with a sports injury.
I can't see too many honeys being impressed by: "Babe, I busted myself up playing peewee football.
" Mom, Dad, I'm so glad you're home.
- I have exciting news about my job.
- What is it? I'm not going to just tell you.
That's no fun.
Guess.
- Did you sell a painting at the gallery? - No.
- Did you get a promotion? - No.
- Did you get fired? - No, I quit.
- What? - I was definitely the closest.
Hilary, you were doing so well at the art gallery.
Yeah, but, Mom, it's not really a cool job.
When I was a little girl, I had a dream that when I grew up, I'd have a glamorous job in a glamorous office.
At parties, people would ask what I did and I'd tell them.
I imagined them turning pea-green with envy and blurting out: "You are so lucky," and walking away eaten up inside because I had a fabulous job and they didn't.
They say Gandhi had a very similar childhood dream.
All right, young lady, how do you propose to get this glamorous job? I already got it.
Starting tomorrow, I'm going to be the personal assistant to Marissa Redman.
- The movie star? - Wow, she's really big.
What? She ain't do nothing good in years.
That's not true.
She's one of the most famous actresses in Hollywood.
- She won an Oscar.
- Nominated.
And she was in one of the top 10 movies of all time.
Eight years ago.
And she needs a new assistant because she just got back from a well-deserved year off.
Nose job.
How did you know all of that? I have an inquiring mind.
Will, please.
Hilary's obviously very excited about this job.
Be a little more supportive.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Hilary, I loved her in that musical she did.
God, what a voice.
Lip-synch.
Dinner is served.
- Jazz, I thought you left.
- Why? Because you walked out the door and you said, "Later.
" All a part of my plan.
- Did you hear the news about Hilary? - Yeah.
I'm so proud of her.
Okay, tomorrow's her first day at work.
I think I got a little plan that will make Hilary like you.
Tomorrow we'll go down there and you're gonna surprise her with flowers and candy.
Cool.
Meet you here tomorrow at 9:00 sharp.
- You got it, man.
- Don't forget the candy and flowers.
Miss Tony Fisher, please.
Hi, Tony.
It's Hil.
How's your job going? Guess where I'm calling from.
No, guess.
No, guess again.
What do you mean you give up? This is fun.
No, guess again.
No, don't hang up, Tony.
Do not hang up now.
Come on, guess.
No, guess again.
Okay, I'm in Marissa Redman's office.
No, it's my first day.
What's she like? Tony, I have to tell you, you'd never know she was a movie star.
I mean, she's so grounded.
She's so real.
I don't care if you have other appointments, clown.
My cat needs acupuncture.
- Marissa.
- Heather.
- Hilary.
- Let's get one thing straight.
My last assistant quit on me because I never learned her name.
Now, is that going to be a problem? - No.
- Good.
I'm so excited.
I want to learn all about the movie business.
And you will.
The key is to be positive.
I like positive people.
- Are you positive? - Yes! Yes.
Remember, this is a process.
You do realize it's a process? Yes.
I'm positive it's a process.
- I'll get that.
- You got that right.
Miss Redman's office.
I'm afraid Miss Redman's on the other line now, Mr.
Haskell - but I'll see if she's finishing up.
- It's my agent.
Hello, Sam.
This better be good news.
So you're saying I didn't get the part? I know the part called for a Meryl Streep type.
Yes, I'm a Meryl Streep type if I want to be.
It's called acting, Sam.
So what fool got the part? Meryl Streep.
Ain't that cozy? I'm sorry you didn't get the part, Marissa.
But let's be positive.
After all, this is a process.
Shut up.
I have to go to a restaurant opening tonight.
So I need you to pick up my clothes from the cleaners.
I'm not speaking to my tired boyfriend, so I'll need someone to go with.
I wonder if that cute little Johnny Gill is free.
- Isn't he, like, my age? - I see.
I get it.
First, I'm too black to play Meryl Streep's parts and now I'm too old to date a 20-year-old.
Cher can do it, but I can't? No, Marissa, I didn't mean anything like that.
Everyone's trying to fit me into their nice, neat little box.
You're walking a fine line, Helena.
A very fine line.
Hello, I'm calling from Marissa Redman's office.
Is her dry-cleaning ready? It says here on the ticket: "Three dresses, two blouses, four silk brassieres "and eight pair of underwear.
" Fantastic.
I'll be right over to pick them up.
Glamour, glamour, glamour.
You know, while you're down there you may even get to see Dustin Hoffman's drawers.
Will, what are you doing here? Congratulations on your new job, Hilary.
Flowers, a Kit Kat and a song.
All the way from Compton, California the king of the keyboard himself, just for you, Hilary.
It's Jazz! - He plays so beautiful.
Don't you agree? - What is going on here? - Marissa, I can explain.
- I don't even want to hear it.
So I've got a party girl on my hands.
Is that it? As soon as I turn my back.
We've got a word for people like you in this business and it's called Hello.
Miss Redman, we didn't mean to get Hilary in any trouble.
- I'm her cousin.
- She's not in any trouble.
I'm sorry.
I didn't catch your name.
Will Smith.
Little Willie Smith.
I like that.
Yeah, but little Willie's got to go now.
- We'll get right out of your way.
- No, you're not in my way.
Well, you kind of are.
Why don't you stay for a little while? You know, we'd love to, but we made other plans.
No, we didn't.
Don't you remember, Jazz you've got that brain-surgery appointment.
- Must have forgotten.
- Bye-bye.
You know, I just had a thought.
I'm sure it's brilliant.
What is it? I thought I'd like to take your cousin Will to that restaurant opening tonight.
- What? - Are you thinking I'm too old for him? You think he wouldn't want to go out with me? No, Marissa, I mean, who wouldn't want to go out with you? You better hope he does.
Because if he doesn't want to go out with me tonight, you're fired, Hester.
I forfeit the game.
Thanks a lot, G.
He was about to take me.
Hi, Will.
Look who's home.
It's Miss Hollywood.
Tell me all about your faboo day.
So what did you do this afternoon? Massage her feet, give her cat a perm? Will, I love your irreverent sense of humor.
It's so refreshing.
How you trying to play me, Hilary? Will, you're always thinking the worst of me.
I have got some great news for you.
Guess who I can get to go out with you.
- Janet Jackson? - Guess again.
- Jody Watley.
- Guess again.
Tell me, or I'll kill you.
Marissa Redman.
You've got to be tripping.
Hilary, I wouldn't go out with her if she and Marsha Warfield were the last two women on earth.
Will, please.
Marissa said if I can't get you to go out on a date with her, she'll fire me.
Perfect.
All she does is yell at you, boss you around and treat you like dirt.
I know but I'm the envy of all my friends.
Hilary, come on, don't cry.
Don't cry.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
I guess it won't kill me to go out with Marissa Redman.
Will, thank you.
And I guess it won't kill you to go out with Jazz.
I can't believe that you agreed to go on this date with Jazz.
Shut up, Carlton.
I had to, or I'd lose my job.
Touchy, touchy.
Cut it out! I can see it now.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Jazz - Does Jazz have a last name? - I believe it's Matazz.
Will you three cut it out? Philip, we don't mean anything by it.
I don't see the destruction of our gene pool as something to joke about.
- That must be Jazz.
- Marissa's meeting us at the restaurant.
- We can't be a second late.
- Just relax, Hilary.
Just make sure you're sweet to Jazz.
This is making his whole week.
- Mr.
Jazz.
- Yo, G.
As of tonight, my new official name is Mr.
Lucky.
Marissa, thanks for inviting us.
This is such an exciting new restaurant.
Look at that.
Butter on ice.
I'm living large now.
Speaking of ice, Jazz - doesn't Hilary look a little chilly? - Right.
- You are so beautiful, baby.
- Jazz, please.
Now, I know you can be nicer than that.
All right.
That was a wonderful imitation of a creepy spider you just did, Jazz.
Hey, Cher! Sophomore in high school.
Beat that, honey.
Do you know what time it is, Hilary? It's 8:15.
No, it's not.
It's "slow dancing with Jazz" time.
No, it isn't.
You know, it's either "slow dancing with Jazz" time or "Will getting up, going home, and leaving you without a job" time.
Jazz, do you want to dance? Man, this must be my birthday.
When you get back, bring me a mineral water three ice cubes, a lemon, and a lime.
For the sake of novelty, get it right this time.
Yes, Marissa.
So, little Willie, would you pass me the salt, please? Sure.
Jazz, I feel I should tell you something.
I'm only on this date with you as part of my deal with Will.
- I know.
- You do? It doesn't bother me but if it's making you feel sad dancing with me, you don't have to.
- No, Jazz, it's not that.
- Thank God.
It's just this job is getting to me.
I don't mind the hard work.
It's just I can't seem to do anything right.
She's always yelling at me.
Tell Jazz all about it.
Look.
Biggest director in town.
Sydney.
Congratulations.
Loved your new movie.
We've got to do What? He just looked right through me.
Maybe you should have spoken up a little bit.
This is not good.
Hickory! Yes.
I just saw Sydney, and he cut me dead.
Did you send him a bottle of champagne like I told you for the premiere of his crappy movie? You said this morning you were thinking of sending him something but didn't know what.
Champagne would obviously be the perfect choice, Einstein.
Marissa, chill.
Come on.
She's trying.
Look, I work so hard.
I mean, I work harder than anybody, and I'm very underpaid and it does not help when the person who is supposed to be my assistant is a total idiot.
- You're the idiot.
- Well, date's over.
Look, I don't care how many movies you make.
Nobody don't talk like that to Hilary.
She's smart, sweet, and the most beautiful woman in the cosmos and she's been very nice to me tonight.
She's been nice to you, even though you didn't deserve it.
So you tell her you're sorry because I'm about to get pretty mad.
Shut up.
This is what you do.
Run to an all-night liquor store - No.
- Excuse me? What do you think I am? I shouldn't be treated like an idiot.
I'm not an idiot.
I'm smart.
And another thing, your last five movies really sucked big time.
Six.
You can't stand here talking like that to me.
You're right, because I have a prior engagement with someone from the A list.
Come on, Jazz, let's go.
Thank you, oh, Lord.
Who needs them? They don't know how to appreciate you.
I mean, I think me and you can have a better time without them.
- Really? - Psych.
You really said that to Marissa? At least now Marissa the cradle crook knows what Hilary thinks about her.
And I owe it all to Jazz.
Thank you, Jazz.
Now my daughter's unemployed.
Daddy, you should thank Jazz.
He reminded me that I do have some self-respect.
Why chase after celebrities? They're all so shallow and self-centered.
From now on, I want to spend time with people who have depth intelligence, and maturity.
I don't like the sound of this.
- Good night, sweetheart.
- Good night, Mommy.
- Good night, guys.
- Good night.
Night, baby.
Guys, I'm sorry the night was so awful.
Hilary, I'm just grateful I got my young body out of there before old Marissa put some miles on it.
I got to go.
- Peace.
- Peace, babe.
Jazz, wait.
Listen.
Thank you.
I mean - Thanks.
- Sure, babe.
You want to go out with me on Saturday night? I don't think it's a good time.
I'd only say "yes" because I felt like I owed you something.
That's cool with me.
Maybe some other time.
Okay.
Good night, Hilary.
No, wait.
All a part of my plan.