The Looney Tunes Show s01e25 Episode Script

- Three people.
One slice.
Classic scenario.
What to do, what to do? I mean, nobody wants to be the one to take the last slice [Chewing.]
- What? Season 1 Episode 25 "The Muh-Muh-Muh-Murder" - I hope you saved room for the bill! [Laughs.]
- Let me get yours, Porky.
I still feel bad about you losing your job.
- Oh, no, it's OK.
I got a new job.
I'm doing catering.
- Catering? Nobody wants a pig handling their food.
Besides, isn't that a lot of temptation? I mean, your name's not "Health and Fitness Pig".
It's Porky Pig! Am I right? [Laughs.]
- Couldn't you at least pretend to reach for your wallet? - I don't have a wallet.
Besides, I shouldn't have to pay.
It's my birthday.
- Your birthday's not until next week.
- Oh-ho, we're well within the birthday zone.
[Cell phone rings.]
- It's Lola.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
Lola, calm down.
Lola, stop.
I can't understand you.
Where are you? Where are you? OK, I'm coming.
- Oh, dear.
Poor Lola.
- Don't feel bad for her.
You're the one who got stuck with the bill.
Am I right? You guys are too sensitive.
January 31, 2012 on Cartoon Network [Laughter.]
- Oh, hey, Bugs, what are you doing here? - You called me.
You were hysterical! - Oh, right.
- It's a simple fracture.
She'll have the cast off in about six weeks.
- How did it happen? - It's crazy.
I was out buying cupcakes when I noticed a baby stuck on top of a building.
I knew I had to save that baby, so I finished my cupcake and shimmied up the drain pipe, when suddenly, the drain pipe starting coming lose from the building! - And you fell and broke your leg? - No.
I let go of the drain pipe just in time and grabbed hold of the telephone wire.
So there I was, hanging from the wire.
I started swinging myself back and forth until finally I flung myself as high as I could hoping I would make it to the roof, but I didn't make it to the roof.
I was totally out of control and I went crashing through a giant plate-glassed window! - And that's when you broke your leg? - No.
I landed flat on my back in the middle of some girl's apartment.
She was super sweet.
We're totally having lunch next week.
Anyway, I found my way to the elevator, but it was out of service, so I had to pry open the doors and throw myself into the elevator shaft.
- You fell down an elevator shaft? - Will you please just listen? I caught the elevator cables, I pulled myself up hand over hand until I finally reached the top, where I kicked the grate open with my feet and catapulted myself onto the roof.
But right before I could grab the baby, it turned, and I realized it wasn't a baby, it was a crow! [Cawing.]
And it attacked me.
- What? I tried to fend it off, but he was one of those angry crows, and no matter what I did, he kept attacking.
He wouldn't stop.
And just kept attacking and attacking until finally I lost my balance and fell 15 stories.
- And that's when you broke your leg.
- No, I landed on an inflatable gorilla in front of a car dealership.
- So how did you break your leg? - Oh, I was here for a check-up, and I slipped getting up on this table.
It's really high.
You should try it.
No, wait, don't.
You'll break your leg.
Like me! - She's a keeper.
- What are we doing here? - I'm dropping you off.
- Bugs isn't here.
How am I supposed to get inside? - Use your keys.
- I don't have keys.
So you don't have a wallet or keys? - Porky, I'm a spiritual being.
I'm not interested in material possessions.
Ooh, can I have these? Just take me to your house.
- Um, uh, can't I drop you off at Tina's? - Tina's at work.
Why don't you want to take me to your house? - Oh, no, it's just - It's just what? - Oh, nothing, I'm - You're what? What are you up to? What are you hiding? - Nothing.
[Opens glove compartment.]
- Aha! You were hiding these.
All I'm saying is, you need to be charming to do catering.
You're not charming.
- Just go watch TV.
I've got some cooking to do.
- Ptthh, catering.
You should get a job where you don't have to interact with people.
Maybe something with a computer where people don't have to look at you.
That would be good for you.
'Cause you're a creepy recluse who keeps to himself.
[Turns on TV.]
- Breaking news in the case of the suburban strangler.
Until now, the police have had little to go on, other than the assumption that the killer is a creepy recluse who keeps to himself.
- Huh, that's how I just described Porky.
- But now a witness has come forward, giving police a physical description of the suspect.
- The guy we're looking for is chubby, short and bald, with a pig-like nose.
- Chubby, short and bald, with a pig-like nose? - If you see anyone matching this description, call 911.
[Chop.]
[Chop.]
[Chop.]
[Chop.]
Mother! [Thud.]
[Groaning.]
[Clock ticking.]
What happened? Where am I? [Clock ticking.]
[Gasp.]
I'm in Porky's house.
[Gasp.]
Porky's the suburban strangler! I've got to call 911! Ahh! I don't remember the number for 911.
Think.
Think, man.
I know.
I'll call 411 and ask them for the number for 911.
Ahh! I don't know the number for 411.
I'll call Bugs! He's filled with useless information like emergency phone numbers.
[Dialing.]
He cut the phone line! [Shrieks.]
[Crash.]
Porky! You scared me.
Not that you're scary.
I just didn't expect you to be standing there like a psychopath.
Not that you're a psychopath! - Are you feeling better? - Mm-hmm.
Much better.
All better, in fact.
I should probably be getting home.
I'm sure Bugs is back by now.
- Oh, OK.
I'll drive you.
- Wait, they say never let your attacker take you to a second location.
- What? If you drive me to my house, you'd be taking me to a second location.
- So? - Nice try, chubby.
But you're not taking me anywhere.
You think I'm chubby? You're not just chubby.
You're chubby, short and bald, with a pig-like nose.
- Aah! How rude! - Awfully sensitive for a wanted killer.
- Thanks for getting all my stuff.
I really feel like I'm at home.
[Squeak.]
- Remind me again why you're not at home? - [Scoffs.]
Because you're taking care of me and you live here.
See? I'm doing you a favor.
- Gee, thanks.
- You won't even know I'm here.
Oh, Bugs? - Yes? - I'm kind of thirsty.
Do you mind getting me a glass of milk? - Milk.
- Oh, no, wait.
I'm allergic to milk.
How about a soda? Diet soda, though.
Oh, no, wait, regular soda.
I need the calories.
You know what, sorry.
Soda's bad for you.
How about an orange juice? No, wait, apple juice.
No, orange juice.
No! Apple juice.
You know what? Just give me the milk and we'll see what happens.
- What's that? - Water.
- Oh! It's just what I wanted.
[Gulping.]
Ahh.
I got to pee.
[Groans.]
- When do you get your cast off again? - Only six weeks.
[Groaning.]
[Crickets chirping.]
- Canopy bed, embroidered pillows, lace curtains? This is either the bedroom of an 80 year old woman or a deranged killer.
No knives, no guns, no body parts.
[Gasps.]
Great day in the morning! How many sunglasses does one pig need? Is it possible that Porky's not the suburban strangler? Could it be that he just happens to be chubby, short and bald, and I'm jumping to an outlandish conclusion because I'm a paranoid, hateful fear mongerer? No, that's the face of a killer.
[Door opens and creaks.]
[Dialing.]
[Line ringing.]
- It's me.
It has to be tonight.
I think he's on to me.
Come pick up Daffy when I'm done with him.
He'll be in the garage.
In the freezer.
[Hangs up.]
What is all this? - I've got to get out of here! [Shrieking.]
He's locked me in! [Grunting.]
- Where are you going? - Oh! Uh, nowhere.
I was just getting a little hungry.
- Let me make you something.
How about a sandwich? - Oh, why, thank you.
I would love a sandwich.
- He's toying with me.
He's going to chop me up into a million pieces.
He's going to cook me! He's going to wear me! Wait a minute.
Calm down.
This is Porky you're talking about! You've known him your whole life.
He wouldn't hurt a fly.
He's a sweetheart! Oh, no.
I've got Stockholm syndrome.
I've fallen in love with my captor! - It's chopped liver.
- Whose?! - What? [Chuckles.]
- You know what? I just realized I'm not hungry.
[Clanging.]
I think I should lie back down.
[Clanging.]
[Vase break.]
Sorry! [Door closes.]
- What are you doing? - Oh! Is this not the bathroom? My mistake.
I thought this was the bathroom.
- Do not go in there.
- I wouldn't dream of it.
If you'll excuse me, I have some business to attend to.
- "I have some business to attend to.
" That's what a killer says right before he kills! Or is it, "get in the van.
" No, it's "I have some business to attend to.
" [Clanging, sharpening.]
[Stairs creaking.]
[Chop.]
[Gasping.]
That poor woman! Well, at least it's over.
[Chainsawing.]
- [Screaming.]
- Daffy? [Whooshes.]
- [Gasping.]
Can I help you? I thought I heard you downstairs.
- Nope.
Been here the whole time.
Just reading the paper.
Yesterday's news! - Can I bring you some tea.
- [Chuckles.]
That sounds lovely.
What could be in here? Bodies, torture machines? Why do I want to go in there? Because I was told not to and I have a problem with authority.
[Door open and creaking.]
[Gasping.]
- Hey, Lola.
I got your Chinese food.
Lola? Lola! - Coming.
[Beep.]
[Whirring.]
- What is that? - It's a stair lift.
I felt so bad that you were having to carry me up and down, so I had one installed while you were gone.
It's top of the line, that's why it's so quiet.
Almost there.
Here I come.
Just a few More Steps.
Oooh.
And Almost there.
OK.
Here I come.
[Beep.]
There! What's that? - Your Chinese food.
- That's not Chinese food.
Chinese food's flat and round with cheese and tomato sauce and bunch of different toppings.
- That's called pizza.
- Well, I don't know.
I don't speak Chinese.
[Chuckles.]
Thanks! [Door opens and closes.]
Oh, I think I have to pee again.
[Beep.]
[Whirring.]
There we go.
Now we're really moving.
There we go.
All right, come on.
Here we go.
[Whistling.]
[Humming.]
[Gasping.]
[Humming.]
- What are you doing in here?! - [Shrieks.]
I know what you're up to! Then you leave me no choice.
- Make it fast.
I don't deserve to suffer! I mean, I probably do, but I don't want to! - Happy Birthday.
- Say what? - I know it's early, but you said you knew my secret, so I hope you like it.
- A collage made out of assorted photos of me? What on earth would possess you to make something this creepy? - Uh, because that's what you specifically told me you wanted for your birthday.
You sent me the photos.
- So you don't want to murder me? - Why would I want to murder you? [Gasps.]
Only a murderer would ask that question! [Shrieking and srceaming.]
[Stammering.]
Whoa! [Thud.]
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! - Eh.
- Ohh! - Speedy - Speedy? What did you do to Speedy? Look who's got a wallet and keys now, chubby! [Groaning.]
[Engine stalling.]
[Groaning.]
[Screaming.]
[Tires squealing.]
[Both screaming.]
- Six weeks.
[Daffy and Porky screaming.]
That's a good way to kill somebody! - Whoa! - Aah! [Groaning.]
[Groaning.]
- In your face! [Porky screaming.]
[Thud.]
[Car hissing.]
Ohh! [Groaning.]
- Oh, no! I'm too late! [Bell dings.]
Speedy! [Gasps.]
- Surprise! - Aww, I missed it! - Happy early birthday, Daffy! Piggy was planning to throw this on your actual birthday, but he called and said we'd have to do it tonight because you were getting suspicious.
You're lucky to have such a nice friend.
- Nice friend? Or the suburban strangler! - [All gasping.]
- The strangler? Que que? - I'm not the suburban strangler! - He trapped me in his home! He locked the door so I couldn't escape! - What?! The door wasn't locked.
Well, then, how come I couldn't just open it, like this? [Grunting.]
- No.
Just pull it, man.
It's not that heavy.
Kids use it all the time, little kids! [Groaning.]
[Exhales.]
- It doesn't matter.
What does matter is that you cut the phone line so I couldn't call for help! - Are you talking about the phone in the guest room? It's an antique! It's just for decoration.
- Then how do you explain the blood on your hands? - This is paint.
For the banner I made for your party.
You may have all these people fooled, but I saw you murder a woman! - What?! - With a chainsaw! That was an ice sculpture.
Of you! - [Bell dings.]
- What's going on? Daffy's surprise party.
I thought that was supposed to be next week.
[Sighs.]
- We interrupt this program with a special alert.
The suburban strangler has been captured.
- You got to admit, there's a strong resemblance.
Am I right?! - If anyone's going to murder you, it's me.
- What's that thing? - Don't worry, I'm getting rid of it.
I got your pizza.
What is this? - I didn't know when you'd be back, so I ordered Chinese food.
You want some? Mmm.
Mmm! You can really taste the kung pao.
It is strong.
Mmm.
Mmm.
- Oh, no.
You're not getting rid of this.
I'm never walking upstairs again.
[Beep.]
[Whirring.]
Special thanks to jasonnguyen2606 sync for The Looney Tunes Show [WB shield open.]
- I still think Porky's a murderer