Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e26 Episode Script
Frankly, My Dear, I Don't Give a Gland
How'd you find this place? Some travel magazine.
This was on the list of "10 best spots for an afternoon delight.
" May I help you? I'd like a room for the night, please.
Single or double? Double.
Nothing too flashy unless you got something in a honeymoon suite.
The bridal party will arrive later.
How festive.
If the honeymoon suite's unavailable, I'll take anything with a king-size bed and thick walls.
I'll just see what's available.
I wonder what she'll be wearing.
I'm craving lace.
Calm down.
You're starting to sweat.
I know.
My throat's really tight.
I can't even swallow.
Think this might be performance anxiety? You're putting too much pressure on yourself.
Maybe you've got unrealistic expectations? I just want this to be the most fantastic night of my life.
There's spring here.
We have liftoff.
Janine's going to be really impressed.
You haven't seen the half of it.
The delpino seduction kit.
Two scented candles.
Orchid.
One boom box, featuring the smooth sounds of Mr.
Perry como.
He ain't just for Christmas.
And one bottle of Dr.
laszlo's sex tonic.
Which one of us do I rub this on? Let me see that.
You know, Vinnie, the medical evidence of aphrodisiacs is very flimsy.
Don't give me science.
I'm trying to create a romantic ambiance here.
One box of precautionary measures, and one airline sickness bag.
You know my history of nerves and women.
Sex is mostly in your mind, and nobody has a mind for it quite like yours.
I don't know.
I feel terrible.
I'm, like, burning up.
Did this happen to you when you and Wanda tried to do it Sweating, dry throat, kind of woozy? I was a wreck.
It's normal.
They're here.
Ok.
Relax.
You're a stud.
This is your moment.
Are you going to throw up? No.
I'm going to faint.
Hi.
Come on in.
Vinnie's just, uh, getting some air.
You look amazing.
Like Venus de Milo with arms.
Thanks.
This is really a nice room.
Yeah.
This borders on posh.
I can't believe you picked it out and paid for it.
Oh, we should take this for a souvenir.
"Hotel splendide etoile.
" Wanda, you know French.
What does that mean? I think it means we should get out of here.
Vinnie and Janine are funny.
It's great seeing them together.
Je pense c'est merveilleux nous sommes de nouveau ensemble.
What? It's great we're back together.
Aren't you brushing up on your French? Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Why? You hate French.
It'll make it easier to talk to the people in France.
Doogie, I'm going to Europe.
What? My parents are taking me on vacation.
Then I'm going to spend the summer with the family of a student in Paris.
I'm studying art history.
When were you planning on telling me all this? I couldn't find the right time.
It happened while we were broken up.
This student What's her name? Jean-Claude.
That's not a girl's name.
It's not a girl.
England, Switzerland, Italy.
Italy, Wanda.
An entire country full of Vinnie delpinos.
I can take care of myself.
You went to Arizona, and you lost your purse.
You are such a Jerk is the word i want.
Don't you mean le jerque? Is something wrong? Oh.
Dr.
howser.
No.
Everything's fine.
No.
Wait a minute.
Let's get an objective opinion here.
Fine.
Mom and dad, get this Wanda just announced that she'll be spending three months traipsing around Europe.
Oh, how exciting.
That's wonderful.
Wait.
That's not all.
She'll be spending two months living with some art student in France.
Paris, the city of lights.
Do you remember, David? Those long walks by the seine, and that little bakery by the flower market.
Oh, great.
Why don't you all go to Europe? You two can sleep on Jean-Claude's couch.
Doogie's flipped out about this.
Oh, excuse me.
I'm just concerned about your safety and your health.
The last I heard, France was part of the civilized world.
She's not going to Beirut.
How do I know? I didn't even know she was going to France.
It kind of caught me by surprise.
Yeah.
Slow down, Janine.
Just tell me exactly what his symptoms are.
Uh-huh.
Has he vomited? O.
K.
O.
K.
Stay calm.
I'll be right over.
That was Janine.
Vinnie's a little Under the weather.
Serious? I don't think so.
He's just been under a lot of stress lately.
Where are they? Out On a date.
I'll go out and meet them.
Maybe i should come.
- No! - No! Honest, dad.
I can handle it.
I'll here be back before you know it.
We were lighting the candles, and he crumpled.
I did not crumple.
Delpinos do not crumple.
He crumpled.
O.
K.
Close.
Your tonsils look terrible.
Whenever have you seen attractive tonsils? They're slabs of meat.
Yours are infected.
It's bad.
They're enlarged and covered with an inflammatory exudate.
What's that? Pus pockets.
Oh, disgusting.
Hey, mother Theresa, could I get a little sympathy here? I'm a sick man.
You've had strep twice this year.
They'll have to come out.
My tonsils? You mean, like, tonight? No, first we'll put you on an antibiotic, but then you'll have to go to the hospital.
Oh, man.
Janine, would you get me a glass of water? Could you give me something to get me through tonight? Janine's fickle.
I have to strike while the iron's hot.
Not a chance.
You're a wreck.
You could infect Janine and make yourself worse.
I'm sorry.
I wouldn't tell you to call it off unless it were serious.
Here's your water, Vinnie.
I know I look young for my age, but isn't it extreme putting me in the nursery? O.
K.
, kids, let's settle down.
Shh.
Dr.
kagan likes to keep all his tonsillectomies in the same ward.
He does five or six a day.
What number am I? I don't want the guy spreading himself too thin here.
You're gonna be fine.
This ward has the best service in the hospital.
All the ice cream you can eat.
Ooh! Great.
And when does coco the clown make his appearance? Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I can't believe it.
From Dr.
laszlo's sex tonic to pee-wee's playhouse.
So, how's our senior tonsillectomy patient? Not feeling so senior.
Dr.
kagan's coming down.
He's getting your parents to sign the consent forms.
Just so they're not filling out a donor card.
If you need anything, curly and i are always around.
Uh, nurse spaulding, I may want to lean on you later.
You think she takes me seriously? Give it a rest, vin.
Hi, markie.
Hi, Donnie.
- Hi, doctor.
- Whoop.
Hi, Vincent.
How are we feeling? I can't speak for you, but I've been better.
I'll explain this operation to you in a way you can understand.
You know when you get a splinter in your finger and it makes your whole darn hand hurt? Let's get to the risk factors.
I went over that with your mom and dad.
I'm not a kid.
Go over it with me.
It's a very simple operation, but there's always a small risk with a general anesthetic.
Yeah.
Go on.
Possible brain damage, hemorrhaging, shock, aspiration pneumonia, and in very rare instances, death.
The big dirt nap.
Give me some odds.
Really, there's absolutely nothing to worry about.
Well, can doogie be there? No offense, I'm sure you're very good for your age.
I'm just used to younger doctors.
I have no objection to Dr.
howser assisting with the operation.
Try to get some rest.
Visiting hours are officially over, but I thought you'd like to see Vinnie before the operation.
Has he got tubes in him? I hate that? No.
It's just Vinnie, and he's nervous, so try and be nice to him.
I'm always nice to him.
I love the little jerk.
So how is he? He's fine.
Are you going straight back to work? I thought we'd take a walk.
Sorry.
I've got rounds.
Doogie, come on.
You're avoiding me.
I'm not.
I really have a lot to do.
Is that why you haven't called? I thought you'd be expecting calls from Italy or France.
Do you want me not to go? If I asked, would you stay? O.
K.
, go! Have a great time! Have a baguette on me! What is your problem? If this trip's innocent, why didn't you tell me? Because I was afraid you'd get mad.
So you feel you can't tell me things.
Yes.
I think that's a problem in our relationship.
I think it is, too.
I got to go.
That feels great, Janine.
Shift a little to the left.
Down an inch.
Pressure's perfecto.
Why don't you come give me a rubdown? Why don't I start your surgery early? He's a little tense.
Honey, try to relax.
How can I? You're talking to a man who's just hours away from irreversible brain damage.
Vinnie, they're taking your tonsils out.
It's an operation you have when you're 5.
You get to my age, the risk shoots up.
Really? I tried to get the doctor to give me some odds.
He wouldn't discuss it with me.
Now, I'm not saying i won't pull through, Janine, but we've got to face the possibility that after tomorrow I'll be worm meat.
And you know the worst part? I'd be going to my grave virgin worm meat.
What do you want me to do? The room's full of children.
Uh, this is Dr.
Douglas howser.
I'm transferring patient Vincent delpino to a private room.
Can you tell me which ones are available? None at all? At any price? O.
K.
Brainstorm.
There is one place we could go.
How'd you learn to do that? Years of being grounded by my parents.
A dimmer in his office.
I like this guy.
Whose office is this? The head honcho Canfield.
He loves me.
This is nice.
The perfect surrounding for a tete-a-tete.
Janine, I'm on the desk.
I know.
It's one of my fantasies.
Oh, my god.
I'm in love with a pervert.
Excuse me.
Vincent delpino.
What are you doing here? Uh, I'm having my tonsils out.
Am I still alive? Yeah.
And I'm still a virgin? Well, just think of it as a reason to recover.
Everything went fine.
You should be leaving tomorrow.
I just felt my throat.
What did they use, a blowtorch? It'll be sore for a while.
By the way, Dr.
canfield sends his regards.
Don't try and talk now.
You can explain in detail later.
This just came for a Mr.
Vincent delpino.
Should I read the card? "Get well soon.
"There's a desk position waiting for you.
Love, Janine.
" Summer job.
Anything else i can do for you? Sponge bath.
That's a perfectly legitimate request.
I've said this many times as a friend.
Now I'm saying it as a doctor.
Shut up.
Dr.
Jeff Henry, please call the fourth floor nurses station.
Dr.
Jeff Henry.
Doogie.
What are you doing here? I came with Janine to see Vinnie.
I wanted to see you, too.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
I know.
I wanted to give you my address.
I hope you'll write me.
Yeah.
I will.
If I have time.
So Goodbye.
This came in the mail today.
Jean-Claude? I didn't know they had nerds in France.
You feel better now? I guess, a little.
Wanda, you you are going to see so many things and have so many experiences that you'll be a different person when you come back.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid you won't want me anymore.
That's crazy, doogie.
Is it? All I can say for now is I love you, doogie.
I love you, too, Wanda.
No.
I'm on duty.
And I'm going to Europe.
You're right.
What is this, spawning season?
This was on the list of "10 best spots for an afternoon delight.
" May I help you? I'd like a room for the night, please.
Single or double? Double.
Nothing too flashy unless you got something in a honeymoon suite.
The bridal party will arrive later.
How festive.
If the honeymoon suite's unavailable, I'll take anything with a king-size bed and thick walls.
I'll just see what's available.
I wonder what she'll be wearing.
I'm craving lace.
Calm down.
You're starting to sweat.
I know.
My throat's really tight.
I can't even swallow.
Think this might be performance anxiety? You're putting too much pressure on yourself.
Maybe you've got unrealistic expectations? I just want this to be the most fantastic night of my life.
There's spring here.
We have liftoff.
Janine's going to be really impressed.
You haven't seen the half of it.
The delpino seduction kit.
Two scented candles.
Orchid.
One boom box, featuring the smooth sounds of Mr.
Perry como.
He ain't just for Christmas.
And one bottle of Dr.
laszlo's sex tonic.
Which one of us do I rub this on? Let me see that.
You know, Vinnie, the medical evidence of aphrodisiacs is very flimsy.
Don't give me science.
I'm trying to create a romantic ambiance here.
One box of precautionary measures, and one airline sickness bag.
You know my history of nerves and women.
Sex is mostly in your mind, and nobody has a mind for it quite like yours.
I don't know.
I feel terrible.
I'm, like, burning up.
Did this happen to you when you and Wanda tried to do it Sweating, dry throat, kind of woozy? I was a wreck.
It's normal.
They're here.
Ok.
Relax.
You're a stud.
This is your moment.
Are you going to throw up? No.
I'm going to faint.
Hi.
Come on in.
Vinnie's just, uh, getting some air.
You look amazing.
Like Venus de Milo with arms.
Thanks.
This is really a nice room.
Yeah.
This borders on posh.
I can't believe you picked it out and paid for it.
Oh, we should take this for a souvenir.
"Hotel splendide etoile.
" Wanda, you know French.
What does that mean? I think it means we should get out of here.
Vinnie and Janine are funny.
It's great seeing them together.
Je pense c'est merveilleux nous sommes de nouveau ensemble.
What? It's great we're back together.
Aren't you brushing up on your French? Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Why? You hate French.
It'll make it easier to talk to the people in France.
Doogie, I'm going to Europe.
What? My parents are taking me on vacation.
Then I'm going to spend the summer with the family of a student in Paris.
I'm studying art history.
When were you planning on telling me all this? I couldn't find the right time.
It happened while we were broken up.
This student What's her name? Jean-Claude.
That's not a girl's name.
It's not a girl.
England, Switzerland, Italy.
Italy, Wanda.
An entire country full of Vinnie delpinos.
I can take care of myself.
You went to Arizona, and you lost your purse.
You are such a Jerk is the word i want.
Don't you mean le jerque? Is something wrong? Oh.
Dr.
howser.
No.
Everything's fine.
No.
Wait a minute.
Let's get an objective opinion here.
Fine.
Mom and dad, get this Wanda just announced that she'll be spending three months traipsing around Europe.
Oh, how exciting.
That's wonderful.
Wait.
That's not all.
She'll be spending two months living with some art student in France.
Paris, the city of lights.
Do you remember, David? Those long walks by the seine, and that little bakery by the flower market.
Oh, great.
Why don't you all go to Europe? You two can sleep on Jean-Claude's couch.
Doogie's flipped out about this.
Oh, excuse me.
I'm just concerned about your safety and your health.
The last I heard, France was part of the civilized world.
She's not going to Beirut.
How do I know? I didn't even know she was going to France.
It kind of caught me by surprise.
Yeah.
Slow down, Janine.
Just tell me exactly what his symptoms are.
Uh-huh.
Has he vomited? O.
K.
O.
K.
Stay calm.
I'll be right over.
That was Janine.
Vinnie's a little Under the weather.
Serious? I don't think so.
He's just been under a lot of stress lately.
Where are they? Out On a date.
I'll go out and meet them.
Maybe i should come.
- No! - No! Honest, dad.
I can handle it.
I'll here be back before you know it.
We were lighting the candles, and he crumpled.
I did not crumple.
Delpinos do not crumple.
He crumpled.
O.
K.
Close.
Your tonsils look terrible.
Whenever have you seen attractive tonsils? They're slabs of meat.
Yours are infected.
It's bad.
They're enlarged and covered with an inflammatory exudate.
What's that? Pus pockets.
Oh, disgusting.
Hey, mother Theresa, could I get a little sympathy here? I'm a sick man.
You've had strep twice this year.
They'll have to come out.
My tonsils? You mean, like, tonight? No, first we'll put you on an antibiotic, but then you'll have to go to the hospital.
Oh, man.
Janine, would you get me a glass of water? Could you give me something to get me through tonight? Janine's fickle.
I have to strike while the iron's hot.
Not a chance.
You're a wreck.
You could infect Janine and make yourself worse.
I'm sorry.
I wouldn't tell you to call it off unless it were serious.
Here's your water, Vinnie.
I know I look young for my age, but isn't it extreme putting me in the nursery? O.
K.
, kids, let's settle down.
Shh.
Dr.
kagan likes to keep all his tonsillectomies in the same ward.
He does five or six a day.
What number am I? I don't want the guy spreading himself too thin here.
You're gonna be fine.
This ward has the best service in the hospital.
All the ice cream you can eat.
Ooh! Great.
And when does coco the clown make his appearance? Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I can't believe it.
From Dr.
laszlo's sex tonic to pee-wee's playhouse.
So, how's our senior tonsillectomy patient? Not feeling so senior.
Dr.
kagan's coming down.
He's getting your parents to sign the consent forms.
Just so they're not filling out a donor card.
If you need anything, curly and i are always around.
Uh, nurse spaulding, I may want to lean on you later.
You think she takes me seriously? Give it a rest, vin.
Hi, markie.
Hi, Donnie.
- Hi, doctor.
- Whoop.
Hi, Vincent.
How are we feeling? I can't speak for you, but I've been better.
I'll explain this operation to you in a way you can understand.
You know when you get a splinter in your finger and it makes your whole darn hand hurt? Let's get to the risk factors.
I went over that with your mom and dad.
I'm not a kid.
Go over it with me.
It's a very simple operation, but there's always a small risk with a general anesthetic.
Yeah.
Go on.
Possible brain damage, hemorrhaging, shock, aspiration pneumonia, and in very rare instances, death.
The big dirt nap.
Give me some odds.
Really, there's absolutely nothing to worry about.
Well, can doogie be there? No offense, I'm sure you're very good for your age.
I'm just used to younger doctors.
I have no objection to Dr.
howser assisting with the operation.
Try to get some rest.
Visiting hours are officially over, but I thought you'd like to see Vinnie before the operation.
Has he got tubes in him? I hate that? No.
It's just Vinnie, and he's nervous, so try and be nice to him.
I'm always nice to him.
I love the little jerk.
So how is he? He's fine.
Are you going straight back to work? I thought we'd take a walk.
Sorry.
I've got rounds.
Doogie, come on.
You're avoiding me.
I'm not.
I really have a lot to do.
Is that why you haven't called? I thought you'd be expecting calls from Italy or France.
Do you want me not to go? If I asked, would you stay? O.
K.
, go! Have a great time! Have a baguette on me! What is your problem? If this trip's innocent, why didn't you tell me? Because I was afraid you'd get mad.
So you feel you can't tell me things.
Yes.
I think that's a problem in our relationship.
I think it is, too.
I got to go.
That feels great, Janine.
Shift a little to the left.
Down an inch.
Pressure's perfecto.
Why don't you come give me a rubdown? Why don't I start your surgery early? He's a little tense.
Honey, try to relax.
How can I? You're talking to a man who's just hours away from irreversible brain damage.
Vinnie, they're taking your tonsils out.
It's an operation you have when you're 5.
You get to my age, the risk shoots up.
Really? I tried to get the doctor to give me some odds.
He wouldn't discuss it with me.
Now, I'm not saying i won't pull through, Janine, but we've got to face the possibility that after tomorrow I'll be worm meat.
And you know the worst part? I'd be going to my grave virgin worm meat.
What do you want me to do? The room's full of children.
Uh, this is Dr.
Douglas howser.
I'm transferring patient Vincent delpino to a private room.
Can you tell me which ones are available? None at all? At any price? O.
K.
Brainstorm.
There is one place we could go.
How'd you learn to do that? Years of being grounded by my parents.
A dimmer in his office.
I like this guy.
Whose office is this? The head honcho Canfield.
He loves me.
This is nice.
The perfect surrounding for a tete-a-tete.
Janine, I'm on the desk.
I know.
It's one of my fantasies.
Oh, my god.
I'm in love with a pervert.
Excuse me.
Vincent delpino.
What are you doing here? Uh, I'm having my tonsils out.
Am I still alive? Yeah.
And I'm still a virgin? Well, just think of it as a reason to recover.
Everything went fine.
You should be leaving tomorrow.
I just felt my throat.
What did they use, a blowtorch? It'll be sore for a while.
By the way, Dr.
canfield sends his regards.
Don't try and talk now.
You can explain in detail later.
This just came for a Mr.
Vincent delpino.
Should I read the card? "Get well soon.
"There's a desk position waiting for you.
Love, Janine.
" Summer job.
Anything else i can do for you? Sponge bath.
That's a perfectly legitimate request.
I've said this many times as a friend.
Now I'm saying it as a doctor.
Shut up.
Dr.
Jeff Henry, please call the fourth floor nurses station.
Dr.
Jeff Henry.
Doogie.
What are you doing here? I came with Janine to see Vinnie.
I wanted to see you, too.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
I know.
I wanted to give you my address.
I hope you'll write me.
Yeah.
I will.
If I have time.
So Goodbye.
This came in the mail today.
Jean-Claude? I didn't know they had nerds in France.
You feel better now? I guess, a little.
Wanda, you you are going to see so many things and have so many experiences that you'll be a different person when you come back.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid you won't want me anymore.
That's crazy, doogie.
Is it? All I can say for now is I love you, doogie.
I love you, too, Wanda.
No.
I'm on duty.
And I'm going to Europe.
You're right.
What is this, spawning season?