Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e26 Episode Script

CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) How long before you can get us out of here, Colonel? Eh, we've got a bottleneck: money.
German money? Yeah.
You'll never make it across Germany without marks.
Hitler has just called in every mark in the country and put out new ones.
We got stuck with the old ones.
Which we made.
This is one of the reasons he called 'em in.
Well, so what happens? So you wait.
We're having new plates sent in so we can make some new money.
May take a week or two.
In the meantime ( whispers ): Guard coming.
All right, into the tunnel, everybody.
It's only Schultz.
Into the tunnel, anyway.
Come on.
Come on, fast, fast, come on.
You can't come in, Schultz.
What do you mean, I can't come in? We're not all decent.
What do you mean, you're not all decent?! We weren't expecting anybody Well, come on, Carter! You can't come in.
We're just not ready for company What do you mean, you're not ready for company?! I have to come in! ( Carter and Schultz shouting ) You can't barge in like this.
Something is going on in there! You let me in! Nothing's going on.
What is it? Wait a minute! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What-what-what-what-what? Colonel Hogan, what is it I see? What is it you see, Schultz? I see nothing.
I'm glad you're here-- I've got some business I want to talk over with you.
Sit down.
What kind of business? Well, you see, Schultz, in the currency switch-over, Berlin forgot to notify us.
I'm not blaming 'em-- they're busy.
Colonel Hogan, it would be worth my life.
Just a thought.
50% off? They are worthless.
I couldn't get rid of one of them.
Eh, forget it.
How many do you have? LeBeau? Colonel Hogan! That's what we get for hoarding.
Colonel, there's a dogfight upstairs-- American fighters! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Back! No prisoners are allowed outside during an air raid.
You could be shot for it.
It's not an air raid, Schultz-- those are fighters.
They're ours.
Yeah, two of 'em! ( machine guns firing ) Wha-Wha-Wha-What are they doing? They're attacking a German bomber-- no, it's an armed transport.
Get on top of him! On top of him! ( all shouting ) Two airplanes cannot shoot down an armored transport of the Fatherland.
Herr Goring said so.
You want to bet ten dollars, Schultz? Our airplanes are invincible.
Give me two to one.
You're on.
All right, now, now! Go, go, go! ( machine guns firing ) ( explosion ) ( prisoners cheering ) See that?! All right, everybody, back, back, back, back! Back up, back, back, back! Why is it that I always lose? It's not you, Schultz.
It's the Fatherland.
Pay up, Schultz.
Eins, zwei, Eins, zwei drei, vier Hey, hey, hold on.
This is that old stuff.
I agree it's undignified for Your Highness to have to parachute into Germany, but I can assure you, my dear prince, it was an unfortunate accident.
The illustrious Luftwaffe is supreme in the skies.
Then why was I not given proper fighter escort? Your government does not think me of sufficient importance? Oh, no! I've talked to Berlin.
They consider you and your mission of vital importance.
They are going to send another plane immediately.
No! No more planes.
Of course, Your Highness.
I shall inform Berlin at once.
A train, perhaps? A nice train? A choo-choo? Colonel Klink I have been educated on two continents.
I have traveled all over the world, and I will not be patronized by a turnkey.
Of course, of course.
( knocking ) We cannot be disturbed! My personal staff car, Your Highness? Uh, could you leave for Berlin in, uh, 30 minutes? Colonel Klink, I must protest your bringing this man to Stalag 13.
What are you doing here? Obviously, he's a man of importance and his being here could bring on further air attacks.
Colonel Hogan, leave at once! Wait.
I have not been introduced.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Your Highness, may I present Colonel Hogan, senior prisoner-of-war officer.
Colonel Hogan, Prince Makabana.
A great pleasure, Your Highness.
Educated on two continents-- touchy, very touchy.
Your Highness, may I prepare my staff car for you? Good idea.
I hate to be a poor host, but the Allies are obviously out to get His Highness to abort your mission.
Ha! The Allies know nothing of my mission.
Oh, come now.
Even here at Stalag 13, we've heard you're going to grant the Nazis an air base in your country.
It is not an air base.
Did I say air base? Meant to say, uh, submarine base.
You have been talking! I didn't say a word, Your Highness, not a word.
Besides that, he is a prisoner here.
He can tell no one.
He cannot use the knowledge in any way.
Colonel, I'd like to go back to my barracks.
I feel utterly helpless.
Do I look like an expert? I do not know.
Oh, that's worse.
Are you kidding? There was no pompom.
That's terrible! All right, all right, all right, knock it off.
That's not bad, not bad at all.
If you could look a little more regal, Kinch, I think you'd look just like the Prince.
Regal? Colonel, you're talking to a guy from Detroit who used to work for the telephone company.
Well, that's an empire.
How's the hat coming? Oh, they can't agree what it looks like.
No, we can't.
Oh, don't worry.
We'll grab the Prince's later on.
Hurry it up anyway-- you have about five minutes.
Look, what do I do? I mean, what do I say? How does an African prince act? Uh, nasty.
At least this one does, and don't worry, I'll be with you anyway.
Colonel, I don't know.
I don't think I ought to Kinch! There are 15 men down below who can't get out without money, and you're going to get it for us.
You really think I could pass for this prince, huh? You're perfect.
Just one thing: the mustache.
My mustache? Oh, no.
Colonel, do you know how long it took me to grow this? Kinch, I've been meaning to tell you.
You're much handsomer without it.
Ooh, ten years younger.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Yeah, we'll save it for you.
I promise.
Put your hands down there.
My personal staff car, Your Highness, and I can guarantee a completely safe trip to Berlin.
PRINCE: I would hope so.
Sergeant Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Drive on.
Drive on! What's the matter, Schultz? Drive on! ( speaking gibberish ) I beg to report, Herr Kommandant, th-th-th-th-that I have changed my mind.
But-but, Your Highness, is there something wrong with the staff car? Why should Prince Makabana go to Berlin? Yes, that's a very good question.
Why? But then again, why not? Let Berlin come to Prince Makabana.
Drive on.
Drive on! Drive on? You will call Berlin and have them send their negotiator at once.
Yes, Your Highness, at once.
And have him bring plenty of negotiating papers.
Paper? Yes, the green kind that rustles.
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
Your Highness, there's something important I want to talk to you about Not now, Hogan.
There is no time.
All right.
Wait.
Wait? I thought there was something familiar about this man.
Hogan? Robert Hogan.
( laughs ): Of course.
I went to school with this man in America.
You've changed.
You had a mustache then.
Don't remind me.
The grip, huh? BOTH: Sock, sock, boom, bow! It's a small world.
Small world.
Free this man at once! Your Highness, I cannot do that.
There are rules of war.
Don't bother.
I had no place to go anyway.
Then you shall stay with me.
You have private quarters here? Of course, Your Highness.
You are my personal guest.
But you are not mine.
You will move your things out immediately and move Colonel Hogan in.
Yes, Your Highness.
Schultz! Schultz, not the big things, just the small things, and throw out all of Klink's paintings-- they're terrible.
You remember the night of the Notre Dame game? Oh, ho, do I and the house detective at the Plaza Hotel? Hey, I wanted to talk to you about that.
That was the greatest party I've ever Schultz sometimes in war, one is forced into strange positions.
Oh, boy Herr Kommandant.
HOGAN: You handled it like a master, Kinch.
Uh, I don't know, Colonel.
I'm telling you, don't go back to the phone company after the war.
Get a job as a prince.
Ah.
Hey, how do you like that beast Klink? Look, his wine cellar is almost as good as ours.
Pour a little bit more for His Highness, will you? His Highness? Maintenant, chien! ( shouting in French ) LeBeau.
LeBeau! You heard the prince.
Prince.
I may even get to like this.
( knocking ) HOGAN: Come in.
Everything to Your Highness' satisfaction? A little cramped, but not bad.
Good.
Good.
My best wine.
It's an amusing little wine, but, of course, completely incompetent.
That puts it rather well.
Oh, yes, completely incompetent.
Thanks for stopping by.
Not at all.
Ah, what am I doing? I just talked to Berlin.
They're sending Count Von Sichel to negotiate with His Highness.
He's on his way already.
Ah, good.
You may go.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, what am I doing? The best news of all: your wife has arrived in Berlin, and she's coming here with Count Von Sichel.
My what? His what? Your wife, Your Highness.
I hope that my, uh, bachelor quarters are large enough for domestic bliss.
Oh, that's just fine.
My wife.
What do we do now, Colonel? How should I know? You're the prince.
( snaps fingers ) Look, Colonel, why don't we do this? We'll bring up the real Prince from the tunnel, tell him it was all a big mistake and then let him take my place.
I think you've got it.
And when he tells Klink what's going on down below, Hitler gives us all a medal.
How 'bout some more champagne? Forget it! Forget it! It was just an idea.
Come on, Colonel, you always got some kind of an idea you can pull out of the hat.
Yeah.
Well, I haven't.
LeBeau, get over to the barracks and have everybody stand by to move out through the tunnel.
This could be the end of our whole operation.
How 'bout you and Kinch? We'll stay and play for a break.
If they grab us, don't wait.
( knocking ) Out.
Come in.
They have arrived, Your Highness.
May I present Count Von Sichel.
And, uh, Princess Yawanda, you know, of course.
How are you, Maka? Uh, just fine.
I think.
Well, champagne for everybody.
Who is this? Oh, this is Colonel Hogan, whose relationship to His Highness I tried to explain to you, Your Excellency.
Oh, yes.
Charmed.
Pleasure to do business with you.
Come, Maka.
Um, uh, where are we going? Yeah, where are you going? Why, I have not seen my husband for two months.
There have been too many delays.
Our submarines are now awaiting orders to put in to your capitol city.
Count, just explain it to the men on the subs, they'll understand.
Take as long as you want.
Thanks.
Hello.
Whoever you are.
Hi.
You know, you do look like him.
The Big Prince.
Uh, well, he's all right, you know? If you're worried about him.
Not terribly.
Lady, fencing's not my sport.
Now, your husband was trying to make a deal for himself.
I'm trying to make a deal for the Allies.
Which side are you on? My own.
And so are you.
And so are they.
And everyone else.
Okay, blow the whistle.
Well you come on real strong.
Or do you only look strong? You know, I always get hung up on looks.
All right, let's make a date for after the war and compare hang-ups, but for right now, my neck is sticking out a mile and I got to know-- which side are you on? ( clicks tongue ) That's a way to talk to a Princess? We are wasting time! These arrangements must be made and they must be made now.
We have subs waiting to come into port, and we have planes waiting to take off with supplies for the subs now! Don't bend our money.
I have made you my finest offer, and you refuse.
And a very generous one, too, Your Excellency.
I just don't know if we can do business.
Why not? Well, Herr Hitler has made some pretty nasty remarks about my people, you know.
He was misquoted.
He loves your people.
Oh, yes! Always singing and dancing.
Oh, he loves them! Klink, stay out of this! What did I say? It's not that His Highness is greedy, he just has to think of the future.
What job security does he have if you should lose the war? It is impossible for us to lose the war.
The Fuehrer is invincible.
Then why does the Fuehrer need me? He loves you.
Yes.
is my absolute top offer.
Do you think His Highness would compromise his integrity for 400,000 marks? Make it six.
That's all I have here.
I hope it's in new currency.
Naturally.
Prince Makabana agrees.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Notify your country immediately to prepare for our submarines and supply planes.
After you fly the Prince and Princess home.
Now.
Pick up the phone.
Don't you trust us? Of course.
After I learn our submarines are safely in port, you will be permitted to leave.
In the meantime, Klink, they are to be kept in protective custody.
Of course, Your Excellency! HOGAN: Wait a minute.
It's against the Geneva Convention to keep a prisoner prisoner.
About you, I care nothing.
Now.
I, uh, I don't suppose that you're familiar with the language of His Highness' country? Since they are remaining here, until I learn all is well, it does not matter.
Well, it does to us.
I believe, because of the Prince's well-known moral scruples, he would prefer the Princess to make the call.
And, if the Princess doesn't prefer? Then I think we are in trouble.
How's it going, Carter? Oh, just about finished.
Hurry it up.
We haven't got much time.
Colonel? Yeah? Now, what about the money? You're going to have it by the bale, Lieutenant, in about 20 minutes.
Come on, LeBeau, hurry it up, will you? You and Carter get over to the motor pool, get Klink's staff car.
Be in German uniforms.
Right, Colonel.
Newkirk, you know what to do.
Righto, Colonel.
All right, look.
You get on the wiretap to Klink's office.
When they get word we've clobbered their subs and planes call the main gate and get it opened.
( as Klink ): Jawohl! This is Kommandant Klink.
I want the main gate open at once.
Terrible, terrible.
You said we were all going out the tunnel.
That's another one of our operations.
They'll be so busy here, you'll be able to get away clean.
All right, everybody, all set? I demand immediate release.
After the way you double-crossed the Germans? They'd kill you.
Get down and stay down and that's an order.
Hi, Schultz.
Halt! Who goes there? Rudolf Hess.
I'm on a special mission.
The Prince and the Princess are not to leave without Kommandant Klink's express permission.
He hasn't told you yet? Told me what? He's sending his staff car for them.
They are not to leave without Kommandant Klink's express permission.
You're a good soldier, Schultz, but here it comes.
Oh, Your Highness.
Please, Your Highness.
You have to understand it is not up to me.
Oh, I'd just as well take orders from you than from anybody else-- I love to take orders-- but my orders are for you not to depart.
You are giving orders to me? Oh, Your Highness, please.
I have the highest respect for royalty.
Oh, things were so much happier here in Germany when we had an Emperor.
What am I saying? You're perfectly right, Schultz.
I am? Yeah, I tell you what.
His Highness and the Princess will wait in the staff car until you get the word from Klink, which, uh, should be any minute now.
Oh, Colonel Hogan, I'm so grateful.
Please, Your Highness, allow me.
Please, please, Your Highness.
Thanks.
The boys up front will take you out of camp and pass you on to the underground.
You'll make it out of Germany okay, and back to the States.
And you? Me? I'm here for the duration.
Oh, might be a real ball if we went together.
What about your husband? I thought you asked me which side I was on.
And I thought I gave you an answer.
Yeah, well, Africa's a long way from Detroit.
I was from Cleveland.
I'll meet you halfway in Toledo? To compare hang-ups? Lovely couple, Schultz.
Beautiful, and so regal.
KLINK: And, uh shall we drink, Your Excellency, to a most successful negotiation? Merely routine.
Ah, I would think not.
I would even dare to presume that there might be a reward waiting for Your Excellency when you return to Berlin.
It is possible.
Thank you, my dear.
And, uh, if you should have the occasion to mention my participation, Klink is spelled with a "K" and there is no "c" between the "n" and the last "k".
( phone ringing ) Stalag 13.
Yes.
Berlin calling, Your Excellency.
Danke.
The submarines are in port.
Von Sichel speaking.
What? Impossible.
What? But I but, uh Hello? Hello? What's the matter, Your Excellency? Our gallant submarines were met by Allied destroyers and sunk.
Our gallant supply planes were ambushed by Allied fighters.
And Berlin is going to have me shot.
We've been betrayed.
This is Kommandant Klink.
Open the main gates for my staff car at once.
Heil Hitler.
( clears throat ) Excuse me, uh, Your Highness.
Toledo? There is something about royalty.
I can tell a prince a mile away.
You are not allowed to be out of the barracks at night.
Go back at once! Sure, Schultz.
I just wanted to tell you that I just saw the Prince walking over that way.
B-B-But that's impossible.
He's in the car.
You know, I thought there was somebody missing.
Excuse me.
W-Where-W-Where is he? He's over that way, there.
Oh, Your Highness, please come back! Your Highness, please come back! Straight out the front gate.
( engine starts ) Halt! Halt! Stop them! Stop them! Schultz! Come back here! Come back here! Schultz! Come back here! Come back here! Um, what's "Toledo"? Well, after the war, Colonel, it could be quite a spot.
But, Colonel Hogan, I protest.
You have offered to save me, but you have not given me enough money to get to Switzerland.
Maybe you can make it to Berlin? Forget it.
Get a move on.
This way, Your Majesty.
All right, now, down that hole.
Some day, I shall relate all that has happened to me here.
You do that, Prince.
And, my loyal subjects shall take their revenge.
If you can find any, yes.
Get down there.
Wonder what she saw in him? I don't know, Kinch.
Some women just have peculiar taste in men.