Marvel's Guardians Of The Galaxy (2015) s01e26 Episode Script

1 (ALTRU PANTING) GAMORA: I have a visual on the fugitive.
Closing in now.
(YELPS) (SCREAMING) Nowhere to run, Altru.
(GRUNTS) Ah.
ROCKET: And that, folks, is why they call Gamora the most dangerous turnstile in the galaxy.
I was tracking bounties for Thanos while you two were still lab experiments.
How about I experiment on your face? GAMORA: (OVER RADIO) Target headed your way, Drax.
DRAX: The runtish Kallusian fugitive.
In which direction did he flee? Thank you, elderly female.
I am Groot.
ROCKET: Great, partner.
Let's get a view from above.
If there ain't no cover, ain't nowhere to hide.
Come on! Show your mug, you pointy-eared pipsqueak! When Cosmo say Guardians welcome back anytime, he mean only if not rain down indiscriminate destruction.
Darn telepathic pooch has to suck the joy out of everything.
DRAX: You cannot escape my keen eye, Kallusian.
(BOTH GRUNTING) (GROANS) (CAT YOWLS) You are not the Kallusian.
What gave you the first clue, Drax? Probably your green skin.
Or your weapon, or your female proportions.
ROCKET: Oh, forget it, Gammy.
Drax don't speak sarcasm.
Speaking of sarcasm, Quill, you got a line on the fugitive? Quill? There's a sweet bounty on this Kallusian loser, and Quill's been acting like he couldn't care less.
Where the flarg is he? Put it on your wish list, Peter, and maybe Santa will bring it for Christmas.
The good news is you have a home, Altru.
The bad news is we're bringing you back there.
(WHIMPERS) Oh, sorry, ma'am.
I I'm so scared.
For you.
(BOTH GRUNTING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING) Look.
I don't want any trouble, but I am a desperate man.
You're desperate? I'm the one about to be sucked out into space feet-first, so I think I win.
And don't even think of calling your friends.
Deal.
But you might want to look behind you.
Oh, I'm not falling for that one.
(GASPS) Oh, and did I mention that weapon only works for me? (WHIMPERING) I am Groot.
(SCREAMING) Pressure breach alerted us.
Cosmo will fix hatch now.
This is shoddy work, even for you, Quill.
I got the little gremlin, didn't I? I am Groot.
PETER: Well, okay, if you want to get technical about it.
Thanks, Cosmo.
(WHIMPERS) You, move.
I will escort the prisoner to the Milano if you'd care to join me.
Seriously, what's up with Quill? His head's somewhere else.
And apparently so are his pants.
Cosmo know.
Read Quill's mind.
And you actually found something? Earth holiday called Christmas is preoccupying.
Was special day for Quill as young malchik.
Great, so Quill's missing one more stupid thing from his childhood, and we all gotta suffer for it.
Hmm, perhaps not.
GAMORA: Look.
I agree a distracted Quill is a liability, but this This is truly stupid.
According to my research, Christmas is about worshipping an evergreen that goes by the name of "Carol.
" Also something about a fat bearded man in a hoversled powered by underfed moombas.
Yeah, well, according to this Terran broadcast I picked up, it's about spectrals creeping into your bedroom and scaring the krutack out of you.
And you know how they worship those trees? They chop them down with axes! It's mass carnage! (GROWLING) Hey, watch it! Your information is incorrect.
GROOT: I am Groot! Oh, please, please, I have to see the broker.
I have something to sell him.
I know.
You stole it from the dude who's paying us to turn you in.
I only did it for my family and my people.
We need the units badly.
(GROANS) Yeah, well, as a wise man once said, "Can't always get what you want.
" (GROANS) (DOOR CLOSES) GAMORA: I told you this was stupid.
- ROCKET: Somebody's getting the claws! - GROOT: I am Groot.
DRAX: Keep your branches to yourself.
Now, this is the Christmas I remember.
Everyone arguing.
We were hoping to cheer you up with this celebration.
Well, you didn't, so shut it down.
Wait.
So you're saying you don't miss Christmas? Then what's got you moping around like a Doldromian Sloth-Bat? (SIGHS) Fine.
When I was eight, I was supposed to get a sled for Christmas.
Instead (GROWLS) (ALL LAUGHING) SCROOGE: (ON TV) Spirit! Show me no more.
Why do you delight to torture me? GHOST: (ON TV) I am the Ghost of Christmas past.
- Seriously? - What? I wanna see how it ends.
PETER: Approaching Planet Kallu.
Welcome home, Mr.
Fugitive.
Okay, let's just turn in this Altru guy, score the bounty Whoa! (STAMMERS) What is this krutackin' stuff? Snow.
- (ROCKET SHIVERING) - Please.
Neeza will throw me in the dungeon.
My family can't afford the bail.
I'll never see them again.
Save it.
I'm just chasing the units.
Okay? ROCKET: If I knew the place was this fancy, I'd have held out for a bigger payoff.
This is my house, down in the village.
Please, go there and tell them not to sell it.
Home.
Home is everything.
Tell it to the toy soldiers.
PETER: Okay, Neeza, we've got your wanted fugitive.
Now, pay up.
The bounty was for the ruffian and the object he stole from me.
Toss it in the air, please.
Say what now? Just do as I request.
(GROWLS) NEEZA: Bring it here, precious.
(CONTINUES GROWLING) In such matters one can never be too careful.
Listen.
The very air hums with evil spirits that would beggar me if they could.
This keeps them at bay.
To the dungeon with that one.
Oh, please, sir, mercy.
Hmm.
Now I suppose you bounty hunters wish to claim your reward.
(BEEPING) I am Groot.
(MOANING) What is the purpose of these items? Purpose? To own.
To keep.
Well, dibs on choosing! PETER: Rocket, wait.
It's gotta be Whoo-hoo! something we can all share.
That doesn't explode.
(LAUGHS) Now, this is what Christmas is all about.
- Takin' stuff! - PETER: Hey! You misunderstand.
I didn't bring you here to take something, but rather to give up all you have.
Wait.
What now? (ALL SCREAMING) That bony old buzzard was never going to pay us.
Ah.
Ow! He did say he likes to keep things.
Guests, apparently.
(GRUMBLES) ROCKET: Strike that.
We're getting paid after all.
With heavy artillery! Oh, man.
I never get what I want for Christmas! PETER: Oh, man, we're fish in a barrel.
(GROANS) Metaphor.
It means we're easy targets.
An honorable warrior battles his enemy face to face.
(SCOFFS) Honor? These things are just hunks of metal.
Wait.
That's it.
Quill, you still got that electromagnet on you? (GRUNTS) How about a little stocking stuffer? (BEEPING) Looks like we broke all the toys.
Now let's make a break for it.
Down, precious! Heel! Bad man-eating attack beast! (ROARING) (ALL PANTING) GAMORA: Fire up the Milano.
Go! (ALL GRUNTING) (DRAX GROANS) (ROARING) I am Groot! What are you waiting for? PETER: It's not me.
Something's holding us back.
All right, precious.
(ENGINES REVVING) Hey, check it out.
Roast beast.
(GROWLS) Neeza is a dishonorable, treacherous tyrant.
Worse, he's a cheapskate.
I should've listened to Altru.
So what are we gonna do about it? We're gonna fix this.
WOMAN: Who are you? Where's Altru? Where's my husband? It's kind of a long story.
Can we come in? We were just sitting down to dinner.
Please join us.
It's not much, I'm afraid.
Neeza's bled the people dry with his fines and ransoms.
Tell me about it.
He totally cheated us out of our bounty for nabbing your husband.
Ow! (GASPS) Is this true? Kinda.
We were misled, but we're going to make it right and free your husband.
Yeah, yeah, then we're gonna clean out Neeza's vault and get what's owed us.
Ow! I mean, we're gonna give it all to the needy villagers.
Minus 10% for pulling the job.
What? We're not doing this for units.
We're going this because somebody's going to get a sled for Christmas if it's the last thing I do.
This isn't about Altru, is it? DRAX: Then it is decided.
I will pry the key to the vault from Neeza's cold, lifeless hand.
(GRUNTS) - Huh? - I am Groot.
Good idea, bud.
Me and Groot have learned a valuable lesson from watching that Christmas Carol story, namely how to use a bunch of phony ghosts to fleece a superstitious old miser out of his stash.
(BEEPING) PETER: We got an entry point.
So how do we get past all the security cameras? "One foggy Christmas Eve.
" Oh, it's from a song.
There's this red-nosed reindeer, and he Never mind.
DRAX: How can a deer be made of rain? PETER: I said never mind.
(GRUNTS) I came up with this whole idea.
How come I gotta wear the dress? 'Cause it fits you.
Now, quit whining.
(GRUMBLES) (SNORING) (DOOR OPENS) (IMITATING GHOST) Neeza! Harken! (GASPS) Who's there? We are evil spirits, come for the key to your vault.
Begone, spirits.
The talisman commands you.
Talisman, shmalisman! That's how evil we are.
Now, give me the key, or I will take you on a ghostly voyage.
You'll revisit every choice that turned you into the universally despised scum you are.
(SCOFFS) Is that all? When do we leave? Oh, yeah? Well, how about I give you a little magical misery tour of all the suffering your krutackin' little ransom scam is causing all over the planet right now? (IN GHOST VOICE) I am Groot.
And what is this cheap trinket? It's your future if you don't hand over the key.
Eey-eey.
What? (GASPING) I'll be (STUTTERS) Poor? Poor as a Kallusian shrine-rodent.
(SCREAMS) All right! All right! (GASPS) Hmm.
That's it.
(POWERING UP) Meet my spirit blaster.
ROCKET: I'm starting to see why you hate this holiday, Quill.
Eat plasmacid, infernals! Dude! Hey, remember us? Not ghosts.
(GASPS) You! You're worse than ghosts.
You're thieves.
(GRUNTING) Aah! ROCKET: Way to calm him down, Quill.
Really? The sock drawer? (GAMORA GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) GAMORA: Let me guess.
The old man didn't scare so easily? Ha! In your face! You guys hit the vault.
Me and Gamora will get Altru.
Oh, I knew you wouldn't abandon me.
Really? There's something in you.
I don't know what you call it where you come from.
Christmas spirit.
I guess there was still a drop or two left.
ROCKET: Hurry up, Drax.
This treasure ain't gonna load itself.
(DOOR BEEPS) I am Groot! (YELLS) - Go.
- Gee, thanks, Quill.
Huh, I wouldn't have thought of that.
Sheesh.
Come on, you hunk of junk.
Krutack! We're too heavy.
(GRUNTS) No, no one gets left behind.
I am Groot.
Yes! (ALL GRUNT) Thank you, Santa! Hey, you finally got your sled, Quill.
Hmm? And I hope you know how to drive it 'cause we got company! (GRUNTING) And to all a good night! Whoo-hoo! (GRUMBLING) Fetch my possessions! (ROARS) NEEZA: (OVER RADIO) Spare the treasure! Just force the vehicle to the ground! Oh, that's how you wanna play, huh? Hang on to your pointy shoes, guys.
PETER: Whoo-hoo! GROOT: I am Groot! We are badly outnumbered.
I'd say that's the least of our problems.
(ALL SCREAMING) Huh! Let's see Santa pull that move! Quill? Uh, we could really use some flying reindeer right about now.
(GROOT GRUNTS) (PETER SCREAMS) Oh, that'll work, too.
(ROARING) Oh, come on! Attention, space rodent.
Return my treasure now, or my precious will devour your friends! Or there's option number three.
(YELPS) Huh.
I'm actually starting to like this snow stuff.
Very well, you leave me no choice.
I'm activating the failsafe device.
I'll obliterate that craft in exactly five minutes if you don't return at once! If I can't have my treasure, no one will! ROCKET: Oh, that's not good.
Here, pull hard and try not to hit any mountains.
What are you gonna do? Just try to stop us all from whooshing into an antimatter vortex.
Either Rocket's been taking driving lessons from Drax, or they're in trouble.
Groot, get me under 'em.
(GRUNTS) Aah! Thanks.
I'll take it from here.
Aw, you gave up your sled ride.
I'm touched.
What is that thing? Oh, just an antimatter generator.
Can you reprogram it? (GRUMBLING) No way, but I can dislodge it.
Dislodge? Is that Rocket-speak for "blow the krutack out of"? You mind? I'm working here.
(GROANS) (GENERATOR BEEPING) (GROWLS) (ROARS) ROCKET: Home, sweet home.
And it ain't an empty void of nothing.
You're welcome.
Gather around, folks.
Plenty here for everyone.
(ALL GASPING) Nah, come on.
You can do better than that.
Here.
I mean It's flargin' Christmas.
Right, Quill? Oh, wipe that smirk off your face and give us a hand here, will you? (PRECIOUS GROWLING) Ah, my precious! What treasure of mine did you retrieve? (BEEPING RAPIDLY) (WHIMPERS) (EXPLOSION) (CROWD GASPS) ROCKET: Ah.
So that's what an antimatter vortex looks like.
Help! Please! There's nothing to own here! (SOBBING) I think just having their father home is the best gift any of us can imagine.
A lot better than a sled.
I made it.
Merry Christmas, Peter.
My little Star-Lord.