The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e26 Episode Script

Your Excellency, an emissary of the United States government, Mr.
James West.
An honor.
Mr.
Minister, my deepest respects to you and your government.
To what do I owe the pleasure of meeting the redoubtable James West? We share a problem of great importance and some delicacy.
Follow me, please, Mr.
West.
Have a seat, Mr.
West.
No, thank you.
Now, then, you mentioned a problem.
Concerning the international jewel exhibition next week.
A unique event and a diplomatic triumph for your young country to lure the official treasures of so many nations.
We understand that you're going to exhibit the Kara Diamond.
A most unusual gem, Mr.
West- a full 200 carats, flawless.
I know, and my government would like to take certain measures to safeguard it.
I'm convinced my own safety measures are adequate.
We mean no reflection on your judgment, but there have been several daring and mysterious diamond thefts in recent weeks, as you no doubt know- in Amsterdam, the diamond-cutting house, in London, the museum, in New York, a famous jeweler and here in San Francisco What is it you wish to do? The United States would like to take the diamond into protective custody.
Mr.
West, you must be joking.
Did you have an easy time getting into this room? I was challenged by armed guards at the front gate, at the entrance to the embassy and at the corridor of your private chambers.
Three times my credentials were checked and I was searched twice, discreetly, of course.
And right now, I am being observed through a peephole, disguised by the portrait of your esteemed ruler.
You merit your reputation, Mr.
West.
If at any moment there had been the slightest doubt of your identity or intentions, you could have been cut down instantly.
That is why this room is a perfectly safe place for the Kara Diamond.
This room? Only for the most privileged guests, a private showing.
Two of those would make quite a pair of cuff links.
Huh? Oh, a joke.
You Americans do like your little jokes, don't you? We also like It's a beautiful stone.
One of the world's finest.
That is why I do not wish it to leave the perfect protection we have provided for it.
Every place that's been robbed lately has been perfectly protected, or so the people think.
Relax, Mr.
West.
Nothing can happen to the Kara here.
There's only one door to the room, the hall outside is patrolled 24 hours a day, and we Serbians are jealous of our national treasures.
As for the windows, well, let me show you.
There, you see.
The fence is high and the guards are ever vigilant with orders to shoot if necessary.
This room is as safe The Kara- it's gone.
This glass exploded with tremendous force.
All right all right, you have made your point, Mr.
West.
It was made for me.
Even before I arrived in this country, I heard strange accounts of your talents, but I was uninformed that you are a magician.
Magician? I suggest that your trick was most effective, although perhaps not in the best of taste.
Mr.
Minister, this event was as mysterious to me as it is to you, sir.
A perfect performance carried to logical conclusion.
Now, tell me at once what you have done with our diamond.
I was, if you remember, standing over there at the window with you.
But that is the essence of magical performances- to make it appear impossible for the conjurer I'm a government agent.
My job was to warn you that your jewel could be stolen.
That's all.
You will return the diamond at once.
Within this consulate you are on Serbian soil, Mr.
West.
Oh, I warn you, unless we recover our diamond, you will not be allowed to leave here alive.
All right.
Look under the statue of your esteemed ruler.
Guards! Easy now, Clive.
Be careful.
All right.
Have a nice trip, old girl.
Whoa, whoa.
Giddyap.
Oh, good afternoon.
Is the, uh, lady of the house in? The lady of the house.
Uh Ich moechte die Dame des Hauses sprechen, ja? Je veux voir la dame de la maison, s'il vous plaît- ta maîtresse, oui? Boy, I really picked a winner.
Um, Lady Margaret Midas.
Midas.
Artemus Gordon, huh? She's expecting me.
Oh, thank you very much, miss.
I was having a little trouble with your manservant.
I guess I don't speak his dialect.
Very few people do.
Oh, no.
You're much too pretty to be Lady Margaret.
Lady Margaret has recently departed.
Oh.
Well, it's, uh, very important that I see her.
When do you expect her back? I think not for some time.
Well, have you any idea where I can contact her? That would be very difficult.
I can't understand that.
She was expecting me.
She didn't mention it.
She asked for federal protection for the Queen Anne Triplet- the diamonds she plans to exhibit at the international jewel show.
I'm here to provide that protection.
She said nothing of this.
I don't mean to seem impertinent, miss, but, uh, just who are you? Well I must drop around again sometime and have another cozy little chat.
First of all, let's just look at the facts.
The diamonds disappear in broad daylight, yet nobody has ever seen a thief.
Second, nothing's ever missing except diamonds.
Other valuable gems, even in the same case, are left untouched.
The third, there's always an indication of some tremendous force being present, like, uh, the shattered glass.
Interesting, but not very illuminating.
Well, one thing at a time.
Now, here's my thought.
Maybe those diamonds aren't being stolen at all.
Maybe through the application of that tremendous force, they are being made- now, will you believe this- to explode from within.
Artie, do you believe it? No, you think I'm some kind of a nut? Yes, sir.
I want to see James West.
West West West.
That name seems awfully familiar.
Uh I'm Thaddeus Baines, special envoy from Washington.
Oh, yes, sir.
Do come in.
Thank you.
West and Gordon- the unconquerable duo.
I wish I could say I was pleased, but I'm not.
I've just come from the Serbian consulate.
That must have been jolly.
I know you only by reputation, West.
Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised by what you've done.
And what have I done? You have created a major international incident.
The Serbian minister has registered an official complaint with our state department.
Well, I always try to please.
Because of you, our government is in a very embarrassing position.
To say that you have failed in your mission would be an outrageous understatement.
Where do you fit in, Mr.
Baines? I'm the president's special envoy charged with seeing that this international jewel exhibit reflects credit on our government.
Very nice.
Too bad you don't demonstrate such efficiency in your work.
What happened today at the consulate follows the pattern of thefts of all the diamonds.
There was nothing I could have done to have prevented it.
Do you realize the diplomatic effort that went into this project and what it could mean to us? It could prove we've come of age as a country, or it could be the most costly fiasco in our diplomatic history.
Right.
So do you have any clues so far, any theories? Well, I thought, uh, just possibly the diamonds might have been in some way, uh, exploded.
Exploding diamonds?! Nonsense.
An inert object does not explode, and a diamond would no more explode than than this would.
Don't shake that! You just never know about inert objects.
Thanks.
Lady Margaret, please.
James West calling.
I shall announce your presence.
Hello, Sultan.
You're looking fat these days.
Good afternoon, Mr.
West.
Good afternoon.
Is Lady Margaret at home? Unfortunately my aunt has recently departed on a long voyage.
I'm Morgan Midas.
This is my fiancée, Lucretia Ivronin.
How do you do? You're a very lucky man.
Your aunt must have altered her plans rather suddenly.
Yes.
Well, it was a reoccurrence of her old ailment, the gout.
The only remedy is the mineral waters of Germany.
She asked us to care for her house until she returns.
I see.
Well, she must have informed you of her promise to show the diamonds at the international exhibit next week.
No, she never mentioned it.
Well, my partner, Mr.
Gordon, was here today to discuss the matter.
He received a very cold reception.
Oh Oh, that must have been the gentleman my fiancée spoke about.
Well, you see, uh, I was out at the time, and my fiancée hasn't been in this country very long, and Well, in her country, the custom is to be wary of strangers.
I'm sorry I didn't understand.
I apologize.
Well, that's perfectly all right.
But that still leaves the problem of the three large diamonds she was going to show, the Queen Anne Triplet.
Oh, well, Mr.
West, I think you understand that I couldn't possibly let the diamonds leave this house without the specific consent of my aunt.
And under the circumstances, it would be difficult to reach her.
But we already have it, in writing.
I'm sure you'll recognize your aunt's handwriting.
This is a letter that she sent to our envoy in Washington, Thaddeus Baines.
Yes, well, I know Mr.
Baines slightly through my aunt.
I can't imagine why she didn't tell me about this.
Must have been her illness.
But her entire collection is in the safe, is it not? Yes, and I don't even know the combination.
I'll open it for you.
Uh Mr.
West, I could hardly, uh It's my job to protect and secure the diamonds until the showing, and I intend to do my job.
Very well, but I must warn you, it's a very good safe.
I'm a very good safecracker.
Fancy.
Show him the safe, Lucretia.
I'll be back in a moment.
Please, Mr.
West.
Imagine that.
It's empty.
I don't understand.
I don't either, and I'd like to.
I'm afraid your fiancé and you will have to come with me.
Well, surely that's not necessary.
Can't we discuss it? That's a start.
I'll bet you've never been kissed like that before.
Has he, Midas? Mr.
Gordon I've heard so much about your ingenious devices, I hope you've contrived some effective burglar alarms here.
Touch the display case.
Go ahead, just touch the outside of it.
Well, what was that? You've just had your picture taken.
Would you like me to send you a copy? No, thanks.
I'm afraid my expression wouldn't be, uh, typical of me.
Satisfied, sir? Uh, not exactly.
Alarms are all very well and good, but we need some more positive kind of protection.
The entire place is going to be surrounded by soldiers Oh, yes, yes, of course, but, uh, humans are all too fallible.
Mr.
Baines, this display case is going to house the most expensive of all the jewels in the exhibit.
Believe me, sir, it is well protected.
Oh really? Don't! I see what you mean.
I'm so glad.
Now, if you'll just let me get to work, Mr.
Baines.
I'll try to have this ready for the arrival of the jewels tomorrow.
Yes, well thank you.
This is fine, but, uh, what are you doing about the entrance to this room? Pressure plates, Mr.
Baines.
Once any of these display cases have been disturbed in any way, the slightest pressure on the floor at the entrance will cause two barred gratings to close, and, presto, you'll have your thieves.
Well, all right, but I want to impress on you that, uh, our government is assuming full responsibility for the safety of this exhibition, and, uh, if there are any thefts made, heads will roll- yours.
I'll, uh try to remember that, Mr.
Baines.
Excuse me, please.
Oh, by the way, where's West today? I was told that you two always work together.
Well, we always do work together- separately.
Yes Well, considering the importance of this job, I'd like to be able to get in touch with either of you at all times.
Where is West? I can't say for certain, Mr.
Baines, but wherever he is, I assure you, he is perfectly all right.
I'm sorry to place you in such an uncomfortable position, Mr.
West, but it's quite essential that I insulate you from surrounding objects.
It's quite a setup.
Yes, isn't it? You see, I'm somewhat of a scientist.
I have a small experiment in progress.
But I'm sure you know something about that.
Why should I? I thought that was the reason you were so insistent upon seeing my aunt's diamonds.
I told you, my job was to protect the diamonds at the exhibition.
Apparently I'm too late.
Time, sir, is relative.
But you're right, you are too late.
Bright, isn't it? Burning at 4,000 degrees.
You see, my little project requires a great direct heat.
Why, with that kind of heat, you could burn a Quite correct, sir, I could burn a diamond.
How much do you know about my work? Not a thing.
It was a shot in the dark.
How much do you know about the burning diamond? Nothing.
That was a gentle example, Mr.
West.
I want to know the truth.
I told you the truth.
By now you have assumed that I'm responsible for misappropriating the diamonds or you wouldn't be here.
But why? Nothing- I told you.
Is that what you did to your aunt, electrocute her? I told you, my aunt was traveling in Europe for her health.
Everyone knows your aunt doesn't go anywhere without her cat.
My work- I want to know what you know about my work.
I told you, nothing.
I can give you more.
You burn diamonds, that's obvious.
But why? Why? Tell me! I don't remember.
Ah, yes, perhaps I gave you too much.
The current sometimes has the effect of interfering with the memory.
But then, maybe if I gave you more, you'd forget all about my little experiment.
You'd forget everything.
You're not going to kill him.
You're too soft-hearted, Lucretia.
It was your idea to spare the cat.
That was a mistake.
But I may not have to kill him.
I might destroy his memory.
It's a hard thing to do, but then this is a game for high stakes.
You watch him- I'll be right back.
I just saved your life, Mr.
West.
Thanks.
I'll never forget you.
Oh, yes, you will, very soon.
Yes, sir? Count Felix von Schleswig und Holzbergen to see Lady Margaret, please.
Count Felix von Schleswig to see Lady Margaret, sir.
I'm terribly sorry, but she's not home.
Well, of course she is.
I told her I was coming.
I told you, she isn't here.
Well, she will be.
I will wait.
We are the oldest of friends.
Have you seen my aunt recently? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We have the correspondence, you see.
No, I met her originally, it was in Heidelberg.
I wasn't aware that my aunt was ever in Heidelberg.
I was not aware your aunt had a nephew.
She's a great one for secrets, no, eh? I will wait.
You go on about your business, young man.
I will be perfectly comfortable here.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll have my fiancée come down and entertain you.
Thank you very much.
Go on about your work.
I will wait here.
Clive, get the count some brandy.
There's some old fool downstairs who insists he's a friend of my aunt's.
He wants to wait for her.
That may take a while.
Go down, butter him up and get rid of him.
I've got to take care of the process.
It's almost to the critical point.
There's another drop forming.
West was conscious but only for a moment.
I'll take care of him later.
I have the strangest feeling that you somehow look familiar.
How charming, my dear.
I only wish I could say the same of you.
I'm afraid Lady Margaret may be very late in returning today.
Ach, I don't mind.
I wait.
I have to talk with her something very important about a friend of ours.
I'm afraid he may be in some, uh, slight difficulty.
What was that? Oh, the servants are moving some furniture.
They're so clumsy.
More brandy? No, thank you.
I'd better go help your movers.
Clive! Rudd! Have a nice trip? Hey! Now, that's no way to treat an old man! Oh! Clive, Clive! Let's go.
Thanks.
Feeling better? Thank you.
Oh, would you mind, please, the, uh the mutton chops? Oh.
Ooh.
Thank you Uh, the nose, too.
The nose? It comes off.
Oh.
Oh, thank you.
Now, would you mind telling me, please, what hit me? You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Try me.
All right.
It was Midas.
That's impossible.
I would have seen him.
No one could have seen him.
He was moving too fast to be seen.
I told you you wouldn't believe me.
Oh, of course.
He was moving too fast to be seen.
He distills the fluid using the burning diamonds.
It speeds up the metabolism thousands of times.
He moves so fast, he's invisible.
Why, the time it takes you to scratch your ear, he could have taken a leisurely walk out of town.
Ridiculous.
In the time it took you to say that he could have taken a nap.
Moving too fast to be seen.
That's pretty farfetched.
Who do you think hit both of you? That's a good question, Jim.
All right.
I don't have any other explanation.
But how about you? How do you fit in? I'm a very practical girl.
I want a lot of things, and Midas is invulnerable after he's taken the fluid.
He can do anything.
Which makes him a good provider, of course.
Can you imagine a better one? The whole world is spread out for his taking.
Money, power- anything.
You might as well stop fighting him, Mr.
West.
You can't win.
Besides Besides? I rather like you.
You're very attractive.
But not as attractive as Midas.
I told you I was very practical.
You could help us.
Midas wouldn't like that.
No, thank you.
I'd rather live and enjoy the finer things in life.
Good-bye.
I do wish you were going to live a little longer.
You know, I wish the same thing, too.
Most interesting.
Will it be enough? More than enough.
Over a thousand carats in all, I imagine.
And at a hundred carats a drop Enough to distill ten drops.
Enough to give me the power to do whatever I please.
To remove whomever I please.
Enough to set up an organization which will make me totally invincible.
But this place, all these people.
If something goes wrong Nothing will go wrong.
I have enough fluid left to do more than needs be done.
Well, gentlemen.
Comfy? Just fine.
I always sleep like this.
I admire a man who keeps his sense of humor even under such serious circumstances.
I've a little proposition for you.
I accept.
You may.
You would be wise to.
I'm an ambitious man, gentlemen, but not a greedy one.
Nor am I particularly selfish.
What would you say if I offered you total, unlimited power and all that goes with it? Wealth, luxury, influence.
And a great big catch.
A small catch, Mr.
West.
You see, you gentlemen are resourceful and formidable.
To an ordinary man, your opposition would probably be too much to overcome.
But you're not an ordinary man.
You've noticed.
How nice.
No, sir, I'm not.
I'm most extraordinary.
Well, at least you have extraordinary reflexes.
Uh, you said something about a proposition? Come work for me.
With me.
I assure you, the pay will be much better.
I don't know.
We work for an old, established company.
With marvelous retirement benefits.
My company is young, with a great growth potential.
It's growing, and if you're smart, gentlemen, you can grow with it.
Why do you need us? Well, I don't actually need you, but you've shown considerable skill and daring.
Such men are valuable.
Think carefully.
I'm offering you a chance to become my partner.
I think you have some idea of of what that could mean.
Be more specific.
What do you want us to do? You could help me.
I've made a few discreet inquiries, and I found out you, Mr.
Gordon, have set up a number of traps at the jewelry exhibition.
I assure you they would give me no trouble.
But I like to do things the easy way.
You could simplify matters by helping me to avoid them.
Just for the record, what if we refuse? I'll probably kill you.
Or, as a favor to Lucretia, I might just destroy your minds and turn you loose.
You're all heart.
I think we'll accept your offer.
Good.
I know what you're thinking.
You'll go along with me only until you see a chance to trip me up.
He reads minds, too.
But I have a way to ensure your future loyalty.
I'm going to give a taste of the diamond elixir and you can see for yourselves the power it confers.
We're almost there.
Let's check those restraints.
Ah, we've arrived.
I needn't warn you gentlemen not to run away.
I never was much good at the three-legged race.
It takes a few seconds for it to take effect.
There'll be a small sip for each of you.
Twice as much for me.
You'll feel a burning, a dizziness.
It's perfectly normal; it'll pass quickly.
Feeling better? Yes.
But nothing has changed.
Oh, but you're wrong.
There's a very great change.
Shall we go, gentlemen? You mean you've decided to trust us? Not in the slightest.
The gun just happens to be totally useless now.
Look around, gentlemen.
Find it interesting? It must be falling.
It is- at 32 feet per second.
And in the quarter of a second it takes to reach the ground, we'll be halfway through our job.
Coming, gentlemen? Incredible.
Yes, isn't it? There's only one warning.
Don't stand in one spot too long or they may get a glimpse of you.
But for that to happen, you'd have to remain motionless so long that you'd probably get bored.
What's that odd sound, almost like clicking? Well, these people you see with their mouths so comically open are speaking.
What you're actually hearing are the separate vibrations of the sound wave.
And they can't hear us.
That's right, because you see, our longest sentence is far briefer than, say, uh oh, a tick of the watch.
How can our bodies stand this? Simply because our reflexes are so incredibly fast.
We react before we allow our momentum to injure us.
Then we're invulnerable.
There's no danger to us? There is one danger- air friction.
During my first experiment, I got rather carried away and was badly scorched.
One mustn't move too quickly.
Hey, what's that for? Oh, I'm sorry to be so primitive, but you see, I must ensure your cooperation, and bullets are far too slow for us.
Now, Mr.
Gordon, tell me of any devices protecting this case or your friend dies.
And I assure you, he would be quite a burden to you.
Put that away, I'll cooperate.
There's a flash camera and an alarm triggered to go off if a case is touched.
By that time, we'll be long gone.
You know, I used to just break these with a flick of a finger.
But it's such a bore separating the diamonds from the glass.
Now, gentlemen, shall we get the really big ones? Well, Mr.
Baines, our noted envoy from Washington.
It might be fun to No, there's not enough time.
Well, Mr.
Gordon, what did you devise for this display? Well, I've hidden some guillotine blades in the frame up here.
They come down if the case is disturbed in any way.
Oh, but much too slowly.
I used the most powerful springs I could possibly find.
We've got to stop this.
Well, I'll step on the pressure plate.
When he gets to the door, the bars come down.
But he's moving so quickly.
I don't think we should bother with the rest of the display.
If you will, gentlemen.
Pain in my chest.
Me, too, just now.
That means the drug is wearing off- for you.
I took more.
You'd better hurry along.
The effect wears off quite rapidly.
Try to explain that.
Ta-ta, gentlemen.
The thieves.
Oh, you'll pay for this! Oh, how you'll pay for this! Caught with the goods, red-handed! Sorry about that, Baines.
It's not bad enough that Baines thinks we're guilty, but that can wait.
The question is: How do we stop Midas now that he's got the diamond? Listen, if he brews up enough of that juice, there'll be no stopping him.
Mmm.
Artie, do you have a cigar? It just so happens I do.
Guard! Do you have a light? Now, go tell Baines we're ready to talk.
He's going to be very unhappy when he finds out we wanted to talk and you wouldn't let us.
See if there's an open window.
I'll meet you around back.
Nope, all the doors and windows are locked, bolted from the inside.
That one's open a crack.
Well, go ahead, sprout wings.
Why not? Oh don't tell me.
Which end do you prefer? The end that stays down- my feathers haven't come in yet.
All right, then up the fence.
Anytime you're ready.
I'll open the back door.
Beef Stroganoff! Mmm! Oh, boy, that young fellow really knows how to live.
I don't hear anyone.
Good, we can have it all ourselves.
Later, Artie.
Give me a few seconds and then make as much racket as you can down here.
Won't that create a bad impression on the servants? Right.
You keep them busy while I jump Midas.
Hit him one for me.
Come into the library, I'll show you what to do.
Mmm Mmm.
One precious drop.
Now to mix it with distilled water.
Why do you do that? Well, the fluid is very volatile.
It evaporates rapidly unless it's diluted.
Quick, the kitchen.
Oh, boy, from here on it's all uphill.
What on earth is the cook doing? I'll go see.
Get the gun, quick! Shoot! Shoot! I took much more than you did, West, you haven't got a chance.
As for you, Lucretia, I won't forget how you failed me- I'll finish you later.
Lucretia, throw me the gun.
We're moving too fast.
We'll burn up from air friction.
Feel the pain? It's already wearing off.
Alcohol! What was it? That was your friend.
He spilled alcohol on himself.
His air friction set it off.
How horrible.
How did you do it? Oh, I cheated, I I used force.