8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter s01e27 Episode Script

Yeah, you take care of yourself.
And call me.
Call me.
I love you.
Hey, babe.
You'll never guess.
Carter Tibbits picked me to write his biography.
Me, instead of all those NASCAR writers.
I know.
- What's the matter, honey? You OK? - I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Just go write.
No, no.
You're You're more important than my career.
Maggie called.
You know Ted? Do I know Ted? Mr.
Perfect, everyone's favorite.
The rich, good son-in-law.
Let's hoist Ted up on our shoulders and elect him to Congress.
Is he sick? No.
He left my sister.
- Ha! I mean, oh, no.
- Paul! I think this is awful.
To find out that Ted's not such a great guy on the same day I begin my new book.
- It's just - I swear to God, Paul.
You know, you need some alone time.
I understand.
- Bridget, will you get that? - No.
I'm harnessing my energy into attracting Donny Doyle into my love force field.
So, I'll get the door.
Oh, hello, Donny.
I have to be very careful with this.
Bridget, upstairs.
Hello, sir.
They delivered some of your mail to my folks' house.
Oh, thank you.
"Occupant.
Current Resident.
Occupant.
" Get up there.
- Yep, this is ours.
Thank you, Donny.
- You're welcome, sir.
Uh, Donny, when you're home from the Naval Academy, do you actually have to wear your uniform? No, sir.
I mean, I saw you mowing the lawn in it.
- Did Bridget? - Goodbye, Donny.
Ow! Is that all you got? Ow! - Is that all you got? - OK, now you try it.
- Hi, Kyle.
- Hey, Kerry.
- Yeah! I did it! - Yep, you did.
See ya, Rory.
Ow! - Girls, have you seen your mother? - She went out.
Hmm.
Kyle's been here.
Poor, poor Kyle.
- What's that supposed to mean? - When will she be back? Please! Hanging out with Rory to make a lame attempt to hook back up with me? High school boys.
I'm over it.
I'm only into guys with consistent facial hair.
- Girls - You are so conceited.
I'm not conceited.
I am sorry that he worships the ground that I walk on.
- How do you know what Kyle's thinking? - He so wants to get back together.
- Hi.
- Oh.
- Did you start writing yet? - No.
I had the perfect sentence and I lost it.
It was as if I had my hands on the Holy Grail and then got drunk and set it down at a party.
I'm sorry I distracted you.
You know, talking about my sister.
No.
Well, yeah.
A little.
You know, I got to thinking about Ted and Maggie.
- Yeah, my poor sister.
- Yeah, I know.
So I gave her a phone call and told her how sorry I was.
That is so sweet of you.
And then I invited her to come stay with us.
- Are you insane? - What?! - She is so depressing to be around.
- Well Even when we were little, she'd get pouty because boys would pick me to play with on sports teams.
Oh, yeah.
That's right, you were the hot one and she was the weepy, moody one.
Where have we seen that? Oh, my God, is that her? No, it's not her.
Cate, now try to calm down.
- Oh, hi, Donny.
- I am so going to have my own kingdom.
- Sir, Mrs.
Hennessy.
- Yes, Donny? I'm here to ask permission to take Bridget out.
Well, gosh, you know, I've never run into a young man so polite and gallant.
- But, no.
Go home.
- Paul.
Well, it's just that we don't allow Bridget to date older guys.
And Donny, we hardly know you.
I'm just your average college boy, with an appointment to the Naval Academy carrying a 4.
0 in engineering who wants to serve his country.
Well, Donny, I can't think of a single reason not to say yes to you.
I can't think of a single reason not to vote for you.
But, the answer's no.
- But I don't drink, don't do drugs.
- No.
- I'm not much of a party guy.
- Still no.
I'm treasurer of a group dedicated to celibacy before marriage.
Come in.
You have no idea what it's like to have such a moody, condescending sister.
Hello.
I share a room with Wednesday Addams.
- Is the hugger here yet? - All right.
That's enough, kids.
Your aunt has been through a really rough time.
So when she's here, I expect us to be upbeat and supportive.
Paul, just paint something on the door.
Maybe she'll pass on by.
Upbeat and supportive.
Got it.
- Maggie! - Hello, Paul.
- Kids.
- Hi, Aunt Maggie.
Bridget, you're beautiful.
Rory, stop growing.
- Maggie.
- Cate! My life is over.
Oh, now, now, now, honey.
I'm here for you.
We're gonna get through this together.
We are not.
I'll never be happy again.
Is that Aunt Maggie? It is! It is Aunt Maggie! What'd you bring me, what'd you bring me, what'd you bring me? - A cautionary tale.
- I love your cautionary tales.
- Maybe I should - Paul.
keep standing here.
- Mags - Girls, don't ever get married.
Maggie, I know you've been through a rough time, but as long as your I didn't say anything out of line, did I? Why do you always treat me like a kid? We'll talk later.
- We'll talk later.
- Yeah, right, Cate! You've said that to me ever since I was six years old.
Well, Maggie's all settled in Rory's room.
Rory's? That's the most uncomfortable bed.
Yeah.
Huh.
Oh, it's Donny Doyle.
He's under Bridget's window, serenading her.
- I'm on it.
- Paul! Cate, he's conning us.
Those serenading midshipmen virgins are all alike.
Maybe we should let them go out.
Cate, we have a firm and arbitrary policy about older guys.
I'd hate for one of the girls to end up like Maggie.
Alone.
Bitter.
Hello, Paul.
Hello, Cate.
Just a second.
Knock it off, sailor boy! We get it, you're in love! - Hey, Poppa H.
- Hey, Kyle.
Now, don't take this the wrong way.
I appreciate you teaching Rory the art of hand-slap fighting, heretofore the exclusive province of a father but, let me ask you, what the hell are you always doing over here? - I could ask you the same thing.
- No.
No, actually you couldn't.
- I think you have ulterior motives.
- Maybe I do.
Maybe I don't.
You don't know what "ulterior motive" means, do you? Maybe I do.
Maybe I don't.
Bridget's out with Donny Doyle tonight.
She, like, loves him.
Yeah.
She, like, loves him.
Dad.
Private convo.
Maybe I just like hanging out here more than my own house, OK? That bath felt great.
Oh, yeah, a good soak always makes me feel like a new woman.
Ted found a new woman.
Oh, what I meant was, that when I take a bath I'm always a nude woman.
I found Ted with a nude woman.
Honey, stop dwelling on Ted.
He's not dwelling on you.
I found Ted with a nude woman in a dwelling.
OK, now it's getting silly.
Maggie, you're here to enjoy yourself.
So what would you like to do? What would make you happy? I was thinking about taking Ted, and you know that vice in his workshop? Now, Mags, could you kind of not talk that way about men in front of Bridget and Kerry? - Where is Bridget? - She's out with Donny Doyle.
The idiot with the guitar? Hmm.
Hmm? What do you mean by "hmm?" He's a very nice young man.
Now.
Until he gets what he wants and dumps her.
- Look, I asked you nicely, Maggie - Oh, Cate.
Bridget is not like you.
Her experience with guys has not left her cynical and bitter.
What? You see, this is what I meant by "Oh, Cate.
" Oh, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm sorry.
From now on, it'll just be cheerful and upbeat.
Hello? Yes, this is the Hennessy residence, why? Oh.
Well, thank you.
Somebody found Bridget's purse.
Where can we pick it up? The Renaissance hotel? That young boy, Donny Doyle, took our daughter to a hotel.
What?! Hmm.
Oh, shut up.
No Doyle is registered there? Donny and Mrs? Ask them if they've seen a naval officer looking to have fun with a hot blonde.
Maggie.
- Do you want to find them or not? - I love you, Aunt Maggie.
- That's them.
- OK.
Would you please take Kerry upstairs? Come on, I'll read to you like when you were a little girl.
So The Bell Jar or On Death and Dying? Surprise me.
- Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
- Where have you two been? - A hotel.
- Right to my face.
Donny took me to dinner and a show at the Renaissance.
The Palm Court.
I wanted Bridget to see my favorite jazz trio.
May I use your phone? My folks like me to check in when I'm home.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Just because a sailor takes me to a hotel, you guys jump to the worst thing.
So you've just been listening to music? It's not just music, Dad.
It's jazz.
Donny's favorite is Ella Fitzgerald.
I'm totally going to surprise him and get tickets to see her.
If you get those tickets, I think that everyone will be totally surprised.
- Honey, Ella Fitzgerald is dead.
- Oh, don't tell Donny.
I'd better go.
I have to get up early for church.
Church? Can I go with Donny to church tomorrow? Absolutely not.
Two dates in a row? I'm sorry, knee jerk reaction there.
Sure, you can go to church.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Mrs.
Hennessy.
- OK.
Goodnight, Bridget.
Isn't he awesome? Donny invited me to a formal with gowns and gloves and punch like in the movies.
Oh Good night.
I don't want to be too tired for church tomorrow.
Quick observation.
The one bookstore is going out of business, yet all five cheese stores have lines.
It sure makes you miss Manhattan.
Really? Do you? There's Heather and Danielle.
I don't want to deal with them.
Don't see me, don't see me.
Hey, Bridget.
Heather, Danielle, hi.
What's going on? We've been trying to call you, like, forever.
I almost took you off speed dial.
I'm sorry, I've been busy with my new boyfriend.
- He's older.
- Score.
Total.
He even invited me to a formal.
A formal? Whoa.
That's like prom times two.
Wait.
Saturday? What about Sarah's party? You said you'd flirt with Brandon so Ashley'll break up with him and then Brandon will hook Heather up with Dillon and we can double.
Yeah.
This is like our lives at stake here.
Oh, you guys, I'm sorry, I can't miss this formal.
Besides, Donny's made me rethink all this scheming we do.
His school has this honor code, they can't copy off their neighbor.
I guess he'd say just be honest.
Who are you? Yeah.
You've, like changed.
Thong, thong, thong, thong, damn! I wore my only real pair of underwear to church.
You're so going to heaven.
You know, I've never seen you this serious about a guy before.
You're so lucky you've found someone you like so much.
Don't worry, Kerry, it'll happen for you too.
It's all in the mind.
I'm serious.
Someday I'll teach you.
Well, there is a guy that I'm thinking about.
You know, at school.
High school.
I'm so over it, now that I have Donald.
- Oh, so it's "Donald" now? - That's my little nickname.
You see, that's actually the opposite of a nick Never mind.
So you're absolutely through with high school boys? Say, even Kyle? Kyle? Please.
I hereby give Kyle away to the universe.
Fly, fly away Kyle, be free.
Don't do that with your fingers.
- Mr.
Hennessy.
- Wow, Donny, come on in.
- Thanks.
- Bridget will be right down.
- Drop and give me twenty.
- No, no, no.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
All right, ten.
No, no, come on.
Get up.
OK.
Here we are.
Who is this angel? You look so so grown up.
- You promised no embarrassing moments.
- Yeah, I know.
I lied.
Smile.
OK, Mom.
Go ahead, Kerry.
Say something sarcastic.
Believe me, I want to, but I can't.
You look beautiful.
I can.
You look beautiful.
I suck.
- Miss Hennessy? - Midshipman Doyle.
Just turn around.
Oh, look, Paul.
Like out of a storybook.
And they lived happily ever after, until the accusations started flying like coffee cups.
- Thanks for ruining a wonderful moment.
- What? I'm just being honest.
Life is a series of disappointments broken up by periods of dark depression.
- Wow.
- So where do you hide the wine? - I'm I'm leaving.
- What? Oh, come on, Cate! No, no, no.
I'm just gonna go take a drive somewhere.
Is Cate angry at me? I'm not insinuating that she actually hid the wine.
No, no, it's just, you know, Maggie, every so often you can be a little, - well negative.
- Negative? Just a little! Just a little! Right, Kerry? You called Aunt Maggie "negative"? You know, maybe if you could just, you know, loosen up a little.
Like, I don't know, what do you like to do for fun? Lately, I've been using Ted's personal information to destroy his credit.
Well, that's one way to go.
Or you could, maybe, go out and have some fun.
Like look up some old friends.
Or go to a spa.
Or that new casino.
- I don't like to gamble.
I'm unlucky.
- You've got Ted's credit cards.
And I'm unlucky.
You know what this means now? That we took a time machine back to the 1950's? I know it's a corny tradition, but I like it.
Me, too.
And now that you're pinned, I'm your guy and you're my girl.
Uh-huh.
Well, see ya at Christmas.
Carter, I've got the title.
You ready? Strap yourself in.
Carz! Really? Not even with a "Z"? Yeah, I'll work on it.
Hey, Beach, you're home so early.
It's only 2100 hours 30.
Donny had to get back early.
But, Dad, it was so amazing.
They announced our entrance like royalty.
And this big band played and I ate scallops.
Oh, I remember my first scallop.
I'm so happy you had a good time, Bridge.
And then the coolest thing.
This fancy band was playing all this waltzy stuff and Donny twirled me onto the lanai, which looks a lot like a regular patio, - and then he said he wanted to pin me.
- I'll kill him! He wanted to give me his midshipman class pin.
Oh! Oh I thought he meant something else.
Thank you, so did I.
He said, "It's a Doyle tradition.
" I said, "Thanks for the pin.
Is it gold?" And he's all, "Well, this means we're going steady.
" - And you're all? - I'm all, "What's going steady?" He's all, "It means I won't go out with other girls.
" I'm all, "Sweet, I like this deal.
" Then he's, "This means you won't go out with other guys," and I'm all, "Well, I guess that's fair.
" You don't sound exactly thrilled.
No, I am.
Kinda.
I don't know what to do, Dad.
Help me.
Well, help you? Wow.
Um Maybe Maybe getting pinned right now isn't such a great idea.
Why? Well, it's a big step.
You're committing yourself to one fella who's never going to be around, who's saving himself for marriage.
And Let me start again.
Why? Why? Let's see Why? Uh Oh, I know why.
You know, I love that you're experiencing new things.
Like waltzes, and lanais, and scallops.
But, and God help me, lately I kinda miss the old Beach.
Me, too.
I love her.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- Sure.
And, besides, we both know you're too young.
What? Too young? Too young? You think I'm too young? What I meant was No, forget it.
I feel like the guy in the movies who's used his bullets so he throws his gun.
I am not too young.
I'm going to prove that I can have a long distance, monogamous relationship with my virgin boyfriend just to spite you! Alrighty then.
Where's Maggie? I convinced her to call some of her old high school friends.
She's spending a few days with them.
She seemed upbeat for the first time.
- Oh, you cheered her up? - Yeah.
Been trying to cheer her up my whole life.
Sometimes it's a matter of finding the right words.
That is my trade.
I am a wordsmith.
How's Carz with a "Z" coming? - I gotta go.
'Night everybody.
- 'Night, Kyle.
- What have you guys been up to? - Getting my butt kicked in air hockey.
I wish Kyle would find someone his own age to play with.
Don't you think this is a little dangerous? Maybe I do.
Maybe I don't.