Clarence US (2014) s01e27 Episode Script
Nothing Ventured
1 I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! - No, I got it! - I got it! I was fixin' up a railing at that Belson lady's place again, and there's this flower painting upstairs.
$20,000! Can you believe that? Yeah, I had a job, you know, last year and then uh, yeah Rich people will pay anything for art.
Doesn't even have to be good! Heck, I could make a bunch of these and sell 'em for a million bucks! Wow, that's beautiful! That's like a trash angel.
Or a sunset made of garbage.
Whoa, that's a great idea, man.
Let's do it.
- Nah, I was just messin' around.
- No, no! Come on! We rent a space, open a sculpture shop, and it's on.
- Ya think? - Yeah! You just got to believe, man like this soda.
Chad's sour cream and onion soda.
I had an idea, I believed, and now it's here.
Okay? I mean, that's, you know, that's the secret to all the Chad products from Chad Industries Chad's sour cream and onion ice cream.
Chad's sour cream and onion keyboard cleaner.
Chad's sour cream and onion bug repellent.
Yep, I mean, it's only a matter of time before Chad is a household name.
Ahh! - So, how 'bout it? - Yeah! Yeah! We could do it! And we'll be rich! Ri-i-i-ch! - Yeah! Yeah! - Okay, okay.
- Whoo! - Take it easy, man.
What do you guys think? Million-dollar idea, right? If you raise some cash, you can - invest and get in on the ground floor.
- Ooh! - We're gonna be rollin' in it! - Yeah! Uh, sure.
Okay, sure, man.
Rolling in it.
We have a chance to invest in our dads' can't-miss business.
But, as the saying goes, you got to make money to spend money.
So, here's how we're gonna do it.
As you can see, plan "A" is to make money.
As this graph shows, the plan will work if it works.
As you can see, if plan "A" fails, we'll get another better plan, or plan "B.
" This chart shows pies are delicious.
If plan "B" fails, we walk away, no questions asked.
- Any questions? - Yeah.
Why don't we just sell that laser pointer? Oh, because this is Jeff's laser pointer.
Who would want to buy Jeff's laser pointer? Hello, madam of the house.
We were wondering if you might - be interested in the oppor - Hey! My laser pointer! - How'd you get that? - Plan "B.
" Plan "B"! - We got to have restrooms.
- Right.
Um, urinals or trough? Ooh, and we should have a fire door! What, oh, like a safety door, in case there's a fire? No, a door made of fire! A fire door! - But how would people get inside? - Oh.
Oh, I'm stupid.
You're right.
That's a terrible idea.
That's terrible! Oh, just scratch that out! No! No, no, no, it could work.
It could totally work.
Pardon moi.
Where is ze toilet? We are singing to you, seã'or now give us $5 to $20 Olã©! Pfft, plan "B.
" I guess "B" stands for bust.
Maybe I'm not like Chad or Sumo's dad.
Maybe I'm not supposed to be a business guy.
Maybe I'm just supposed to get paid for doing nothing, like a statue or a senator.
Maybe I should just go to sleep to the sweet, sweet, cricket lullaby.
Or maybe my new name is Clarence Moneybags Ka-ching! To the Clarence-mobile! Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Sumo? Sumo? Oh, hey, Clarence.
What are you doing? - Shh! Listen.
- To what? - All I hear are crickets.
- Exactly, plan "C.
" - "C" is for crickets.
- Oh.
That's dumb.
- I'm going back to sleep.
- Of course you are, because cricket noise makes people fall asleep.
Duh! It's still dark out.
What time is it? Time to catch us some crickets.
Let's go! Ooh, product test.
Good call, Sumo.
This is the perfect place for a cricket safari, 'cause crickets love grass.
Or is that grasshoppers? Nah, it's crickets 'cause they're called crickets.
Sumo? Where'd you go? Where'd I go? just sitting around, sitting around - It's finished! - Huh? The Dump! That's our store name.
What do you think? Uh, well, what if people mistake it for the real garbage dump? Oh! You're right! That's the worst idea ever! No, man, it's not so bad! There's nuances.
I like it.
- You play guitar? - Uh, yeah.
I was in a band.
That's perfect! You and I play live in the store! - You play? - Nah, but I listen to music.
How hard could it be? Maybe crickets vanish in sunlight, like the stars.
Nah, they got to be somewhere.
They're just hiding.
But where? We looked everywhere! - Except there.
- Look.
"C"! "C" is for crickets! Are you sure them are crickets? Of course.
What else would they be? Whoop! - Merry crick-mas! - Raviolio! - What are you doing in my kitchen? - Oh, hi, Marianio! - We're just rounding up crickets for - Personal use! Crickets? Yes crickets! Yeah, take as many as you want! And come back any time! - They're always here! - Thanks! We will! So, what should we play? "Cry like a girl," by Nighthair? Or we can do "Screamin' at your love," by Stiklip? Oh, "Bells n' swizzles" by Midnight Bus? Hmm.
Surprise me.
No, that's yeah, maybe a little too high for a bass, but possibly I think that sounds about right.
That's yeah, um, hold on there.
Um - How's that? - Perfect.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna lay down a simple rhythm, and you just come in whenever you feel comfortable.
That's it! The Dump is closed! So, we'll leave our sleep crickets in people's houses, and then they'll pay us when they wake up.
Smart! That way they can't say no.
And it's a surprise.
Everybody loves surprises, especially when they involve bugs.
Let's put some people to sleep.
["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" from Tchaikovsky's "the Nutcracker".]
What you don't know about tartar sauce just might kill you.
But first, Aberdale residents are "bugging out" over a mysterious cockroach epidemic.
It's overwhelming local exterminators and has already closed a local Italian restaurant for health violations.
Two suspects, seen in this police sketch, are wanted by local authorities for questioning.
- Cockroaches? But me and Su - Shh! Yes, cockroaches.
Unlike their clean, sleep-inducing cousin the cricket, cockroaches spread disease, scare babies, and are immortal.
New plan, Chad.
We're in the cockroach business! - Huh, what? - Hey, so are we! What're you doing here? Did you sleep here? - Easiest money I ever made! - You sure this is safe? - Safe? I think so.
Why? - You see, Sumo, plan "C" worked because "C" is also for cockroaches.
"C" is for Huh! Good luck with the business! Whoa!
$20,000! Can you believe that? Yeah, I had a job, you know, last year and then uh, yeah Rich people will pay anything for art.
Doesn't even have to be good! Heck, I could make a bunch of these and sell 'em for a million bucks! Wow, that's beautiful! That's like a trash angel.
Or a sunset made of garbage.
Whoa, that's a great idea, man.
Let's do it.
- Nah, I was just messin' around.
- No, no! Come on! We rent a space, open a sculpture shop, and it's on.
- Ya think? - Yeah! You just got to believe, man like this soda.
Chad's sour cream and onion soda.
I had an idea, I believed, and now it's here.
Okay? I mean, that's, you know, that's the secret to all the Chad products from Chad Industries Chad's sour cream and onion ice cream.
Chad's sour cream and onion keyboard cleaner.
Chad's sour cream and onion bug repellent.
Yep, I mean, it's only a matter of time before Chad is a household name.
Ahh! - So, how 'bout it? - Yeah! Yeah! We could do it! And we'll be rich! Ri-i-i-ch! - Yeah! Yeah! - Okay, okay.
- Whoo! - Take it easy, man.
What do you guys think? Million-dollar idea, right? If you raise some cash, you can - invest and get in on the ground floor.
- Ooh! - We're gonna be rollin' in it! - Yeah! Uh, sure.
Okay, sure, man.
Rolling in it.
We have a chance to invest in our dads' can't-miss business.
But, as the saying goes, you got to make money to spend money.
So, here's how we're gonna do it.
As you can see, plan "A" is to make money.
As this graph shows, the plan will work if it works.
As you can see, if plan "A" fails, we'll get another better plan, or plan "B.
" This chart shows pies are delicious.
If plan "B" fails, we walk away, no questions asked.
- Any questions? - Yeah.
Why don't we just sell that laser pointer? Oh, because this is Jeff's laser pointer.
Who would want to buy Jeff's laser pointer? Hello, madam of the house.
We were wondering if you might - be interested in the oppor - Hey! My laser pointer! - How'd you get that? - Plan "B.
" Plan "B"! - We got to have restrooms.
- Right.
Um, urinals or trough? Ooh, and we should have a fire door! What, oh, like a safety door, in case there's a fire? No, a door made of fire! A fire door! - But how would people get inside? - Oh.
Oh, I'm stupid.
You're right.
That's a terrible idea.
That's terrible! Oh, just scratch that out! No! No, no, no, it could work.
It could totally work.
Pardon moi.
Where is ze toilet? We are singing to you, seã'or now give us $5 to $20 Olã©! Pfft, plan "B.
" I guess "B" stands for bust.
Maybe I'm not like Chad or Sumo's dad.
Maybe I'm not supposed to be a business guy.
Maybe I'm just supposed to get paid for doing nothing, like a statue or a senator.
Maybe I should just go to sleep to the sweet, sweet, cricket lullaby.
Or maybe my new name is Clarence Moneybags Ka-ching! To the Clarence-mobile! Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da da-da-da Sumo? Sumo? Oh, hey, Clarence.
What are you doing? - Shh! Listen.
- To what? - All I hear are crickets.
- Exactly, plan "C.
" - "C" is for crickets.
- Oh.
That's dumb.
- I'm going back to sleep.
- Of course you are, because cricket noise makes people fall asleep.
Duh! It's still dark out.
What time is it? Time to catch us some crickets.
Let's go! Ooh, product test.
Good call, Sumo.
This is the perfect place for a cricket safari, 'cause crickets love grass.
Or is that grasshoppers? Nah, it's crickets 'cause they're called crickets.
Sumo? Where'd you go? Where'd I go? just sitting around, sitting around - It's finished! - Huh? The Dump! That's our store name.
What do you think? Uh, well, what if people mistake it for the real garbage dump? Oh! You're right! That's the worst idea ever! No, man, it's not so bad! There's nuances.
I like it.
- You play guitar? - Uh, yeah.
I was in a band.
That's perfect! You and I play live in the store! - You play? - Nah, but I listen to music.
How hard could it be? Maybe crickets vanish in sunlight, like the stars.
Nah, they got to be somewhere.
They're just hiding.
But where? We looked everywhere! - Except there.
- Look.
"C"! "C" is for crickets! Are you sure them are crickets? Of course.
What else would they be? Whoop! - Merry crick-mas! - Raviolio! - What are you doing in my kitchen? - Oh, hi, Marianio! - We're just rounding up crickets for - Personal use! Crickets? Yes crickets! Yeah, take as many as you want! And come back any time! - They're always here! - Thanks! We will! So, what should we play? "Cry like a girl," by Nighthair? Or we can do "Screamin' at your love," by Stiklip? Oh, "Bells n' swizzles" by Midnight Bus? Hmm.
Surprise me.
No, that's yeah, maybe a little too high for a bass, but possibly I think that sounds about right.
That's yeah, um, hold on there.
Um - How's that? - Perfect.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna lay down a simple rhythm, and you just come in whenever you feel comfortable.
That's it! The Dump is closed! So, we'll leave our sleep crickets in people's houses, and then they'll pay us when they wake up.
Smart! That way they can't say no.
And it's a surprise.
Everybody loves surprises, especially when they involve bugs.
Let's put some people to sleep.
["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" from Tchaikovsky's "the Nutcracker".]
What you don't know about tartar sauce just might kill you.
But first, Aberdale residents are "bugging out" over a mysterious cockroach epidemic.
It's overwhelming local exterminators and has already closed a local Italian restaurant for health violations.
Two suspects, seen in this police sketch, are wanted by local authorities for questioning.
- Cockroaches? But me and Su - Shh! Yes, cockroaches.
Unlike their clean, sleep-inducing cousin the cricket, cockroaches spread disease, scare babies, and are immortal.
New plan, Chad.
We're in the cockroach business! - Huh, what? - Hey, so are we! What're you doing here? Did you sleep here? - Easiest money I ever made! - You sure this is safe? - Safe? I think so.
Why? - You see, Sumo, plan "C" worked because "C" is also for cockroaches.
"C" is for Huh! Good luck with the business! Whoa!