The Addams Family (1964) s01e27 Episode Script
The Addams Family and the Spacemen
Dear Pugsley.
He does enjoy playing with his missiles.
Keeps him out of mischief, too.
It's amazing how that little rascal manages to keep one step ahead of the government space program.
A true Addams.
Ah, it's midnight.
The perfect time for a little family picnic.
We'll surprise the children.
Oh, darling, they have to get up so early to go to school.
Well, then we'll leave them here.
That should certainly surprise them.
Dear Gomez, so wise and understanding.
That's exactly what they said about old Senator Addams just before they impeached him.
Lurch, bring the car around back.
Oh, you can't beat a night like this for a picnic.
- And snail-hunting.
- But where's Cousin Itt? - There you are, you little rascal.
- So sweet of you to join us, Itt.
Oh, but don't thank us.
What would a snail-hunt be without you? You attract them.
Isn't Mama coming? She's going to stay home with the children.
Teaching them to make cobwebs.
The games.
Good work, Lurch.
The family that plays together stays together.
Put them in the trunk please, Lurch.
- Can I turn on the radio? - By all means.
I'll try to get music to go snail-hunting by.
Dear Itt.
It's his favorite music.
Radio needs fixing.
We interrupt this program for a special announcement.
An unidentified space aircraft has been reported over the Cemetery Ridge area.
Hey, that's our area.
This is an unconfirmed report from MSO, Mysterious Space Objects Headquarters.
There is no cause for alarm and residents of the area are urged not to panic.
We now return you to Harpsichord Reverie.
Hey, maybe they're Martians.
Couldn't we stick around and find out? Well, then it's settled.
We'll stay here and picnic right in our own backyard.
Hinckley, MSO.
You saw a flying object where? I see.
Cemetery Ridge district.
Near what house? The old Addams house? Well, thank you very much, we'll look into it.
You know, that's the 14th call we've had on that Cemetery Ridge sighting.
- What do you think? - Who knows? How about it, Professor? We are always sending spaceships up there.
One of these days somebody up there is going to send something down here.
You mark my words.
The professor is no fool.
Well, I wouldn't go that far, but he is dedicated.
Spending 20 years of his life trying to figure out what the Martians probably talk like.
You know, all this "ralamalabagata" talk may prove to be very valuable.
If those little green guys ever do land, somebody's gonna have to palaver with them.
I think we better get over to that Cemetery Ridge district and look around.
Right.
Oh, one more thing.
This may prove to be another false alarm.
But just in case it isn't, and you are captured, you know what you have to do.
- Eat the codebook.
- Roger.
Tish, that French.
You know what it does to me.
- So lovely, so tasty.
- You're just hungry, dear.
Well, what's for supper? I could eat a horse.
Come, come, Fester, you had that for lunch.
Uncle Fester, be patient, we'll be dining soon.
Why don't you go over and chat with Lurch and Cousin Itt? Oh, they're always talking politics.
Darling, it's almost time for my moonbath.
I'd take it easy, Morticia.
Pretty strong moon.
In fact, I'm gonna put on my moon hat.
- Well, that's very becoming, Uncle Fester.
- It's an original.
Darling, would you fix my chair for me? Oh, thank you, darling.
We ought to be able to get an excellent moonburn tonight.
Gomez, darling, what would we do if a Martian did land right here? We'd do what any red-blooded American would do.
Run.
True.
Gil.
Take a look over there.
Do you see what I see? I see it but I don't believe it.
What do you think? I think it's time we get in touch with headquarters.
- All right in there, querida? - Yes, darling.
The moon was a bit strong.
I thought I'd filter its rays.
Oh, I wouldn't want you getting moonburn.
- Darling, you look just like Galileo.
- The astronomer? No, Cousin Galileo.
He has a suit like that.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Right.
Earth and Mars are at their closest points tonight.
What do you think they're up to? Whatever it is, I don't like it.
Itt, you should speak English.
Well, I guess you're right.
It is a silly language.
Now, let's see, Uranus transits Jupiter at exactly 12:32.
Wonderful.
Right on schedule.
Punch is ready.
- Punch? - A big punch.
They're either getting ready to blow up the place or they're sending smoke signals.
Smoke signals to whom? Who knows? To other spaceships.
Maybe this is a rendezvous point.
Well, the boss man said to move in and investigate.
Yeah.
Darling, are those men staring at us? Not us.
At you.
You're ravishing.
- Darling, please, it's early.
- Your watch is slow.
Hey, they're coming over.
They got such funny looks in their eyes.
They could be people from Mars.
Nonsense.
They're not little, they're not green, and they don't have things sticking out of their heads.
Itt's right.
They could be disguised.
Well, whoever they are, we must be neighborly.
We don't want them thinking we Earth people are snobs.
- Greetings.
- Hi.
We're from the MSO.
I mean the USO.
We do a lot of entertaining for the troops.
You know, singing, dancing.
Well, I'm glad you're Americans.
- Where are you folks from? - Yonder.
Uncle Fester, why don't you get our friends some punch? Coming up.
I like to relax on these outings.
- Do you gentlemen mind if I smoke? - Go right ahead.
Punch? Didn't you ever see anybody smoke before? Everyone must be starved.
- Uncle Fester, get the hotplate.
- I got it right here.
- Plug it in, dear, plug it in.
- You ready, Fester? - Yeah, what is it, AC or DC? - AC.
I do hope you gentlemen like tongue of yak.
- Yak? - Nice and fresh.
It costs a little more than the quick-frozen, but it's so much tastier.
Would you people excuse us a minute? Yes, but hurry back, yak loses something when it's overdone.
- Plenty strange behavior.
- Yes.
They didn't even touch Lurch's punch.
Everything about us seems so strange to them.
I think Cousin Itt is right.
I believe they're from another planet.
I agree.
- You think it's possible? - I think.
How do you like the way the little hairy one talked? - Do you figure that was Martian? - Not according to Professor Altshuler.
Maybe he's a retarded Martian.
Let's blow this clambake.
No! One false move and who knows? We're slave labor on Mars.
He's right again.
One false move and who knows? We're slave labor on Mars.
This is a delicate situation.
We'd better play it by ear.
Oh dear, I do wish Cousin Grope was here.
He has three of them.
Folks, we've decided to level with you.
We're really not with the USO.
I knew it.
You didn't have any taps on your shoes.
- We know exactly who you are, too.
- We even speak your language.
Our language? Gomez, dear, I think he's trying to tell you something.
Well, agamagabagagawhographa to you.
Excuse us.
Those two fellows are up to something.
- What are we going to do? - There's only one thing to do.
Put them under lock and key.
We want you come with us.
- Oh, we couldn't do that.
- We insist.
Now look here We accept.
How nice.
I always say there's nothing like understanding between peoples.
Quick, the codebook.
- Oh, yeah, one of us has got to eat it.
- Bon appétit.
- Lurch, put the gentlemen in the love seat.
- Yes, Mrs.
Addams.
You two gentlemen make yourselves comfortable, my wife and I have to feed some plants in the conservatory.
- But, Gomez, dear - Querida.
Oh, you may amuse yourselves with this.
- That's little Pugsley's ray gun.
- Ray gun? Watch.
Dear Pugsley.
He's so handy with these things.
Have fun.
On second thought, we don't want any mishaps, do we? I'll hang on to this.
Well, at least we're still on Earth.
Darling, aren't we being rude? After all, the plants don't need feeding.
In fact, Cleopatra's on a diet.
It's merely a ruse, my dear.
We must engage in some counterintelligence.
- See what their game is.
- Oh, I do hope it's bridge.
- What do you say we get out of here? - Yeah, we gotta get word to headquarters.
We were just looking around.
- See? Trapped.
- Darling, that was truly inspirational.
That's what they said about old Blood and Thunder Addams at Shiloh.
- When he deserted? - Turned traitor.
- How ghastly.
- Not at those prices.
Maybe we're just imagining all this.
Maybe they're This is just their way of acting friendly.
Maybe they're just a nice, odd It's all a question of strategic deployment of forces.
Darling, you're a natural born leader.
That's what they said about old Cannonball Addams at Bunker Hill.
Right before he turned traitor? No, before he began firing at his own men.
Poor old Canny, absolutely lost without his glasses.
How about the window? Out! Gilbert, where are you? I don't know! Darling, I think we ought to call the authorities.
Capital idea! Now let's see, whose jurisdiction would this come under? - CID? - No.
COD? - USO? - MSO! Operator, get me the MSO.
MSO Headquarters.
I see.
You have a couple of Martians in your basement.
And how do you know they are Martians? Oh, they spoke Martian.
And what did they say? This is the Martians speaking.
Wait a minute, I'll be right there.
Don't go away.
You must Wait a minute, what is your name? Where do you live? Addams.
Right next to the cemetery.
It's a nice neighborhood.
A nice neighborhood? What did I say? You Martian? Yes? Shalom.
I come in peace.
Wait here.
- Operator.
- Hello? Operator? MSO Headquarters.
Emergency.
Please hurry.
Yes.
It's QPA.
The situation is worse than I thought.
The Martians have taken over the whole house.
Goodbye, Agnes.
Isn't that wonderful? Just listen to the two of you chattering away.
What in the world are you saying? I don't know about him, but I was bidding him welcome in Swahili.
- You both speak English? - Well, of course we speak English.
After all, we are in America, Professor Altshuler.
Oh, yes, I know that, but How do you know my name? Why wouldn't we know it? We're the ones who called you.
Stop beating around the bush.
If you don't surrender, bluey! "Bluey"? Yeah, bluey.
I will show you.
Come and see here.
Look.
Mighty nice display, Altshuler.
It's good to know the government is on the alert.
Isn't that an awful lot of planes, though, just to arrest two little Martians in the basement? In the basement? Wait.
Let me handle the whole thing.
They may be violent.
I don't know.
We found them cooperative all the way.
Come along.
Well, old man, there's one of the rascals.
- Darling, where did we put the other one? - Let me see.
- Oh, yes.
- Please be careful.
- But they are not Martians! - Nonsense, they even speak Martian.
- They learnt it from me! - Then you're Martian.
- Funny, you don't look it.
- Most certainly not.
Oh, for heaven's sake, what's the matter with you? If they are not Martians and you are not Martians, what am I doing here? That's an interesting point.
Why don't we all go outside and look around some more? No, no, no.
I've had enough Martians for the whole day.
Oh, my goodness.
I forgot to call off the Plan X before we all get killed.
Good thinking.
- You can use this phone.
- Yes.
Hello? Operator? Yes, MSO Headquarters.
Mach schnell, please.
This is the silliest thing I've It's QPA.
Listen what I'm going to say now.
Cancel everything.
I repeat, cancel everything.
Yes, cancel Plan X, it's a false alarm! Why, this Addams bunch is the simplest, ordinary everyday family.
Good man, Lurch.
The whole thing seems to have been too much for him.
Why, you space scientists.
You're all so delicately balanced.
Oh, gentlemen, excuse me.
According to this, we'll be on Mars in another three years.
Nonsense, Pugsley will be there long before that.
Mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
Oh, it's from the Air Force.
Isn't that sweet? They are thanking us for our contribution to the nation's defense.
Due to us, Plan X was fully tested.
"From now on, there's no need for anyone to worry about a Martian invasion.
"The nation is ready.
" By george, I think one of Pugsley's missiles went out of control.
No matter.
Plan X will take care of everything.
He does enjoy playing with his missiles.
Keeps him out of mischief, too.
It's amazing how that little rascal manages to keep one step ahead of the government space program.
A true Addams.
Ah, it's midnight.
The perfect time for a little family picnic.
We'll surprise the children.
Oh, darling, they have to get up so early to go to school.
Well, then we'll leave them here.
That should certainly surprise them.
Dear Gomez, so wise and understanding.
That's exactly what they said about old Senator Addams just before they impeached him.
Lurch, bring the car around back.
Oh, you can't beat a night like this for a picnic.
- And snail-hunting.
- But where's Cousin Itt? - There you are, you little rascal.
- So sweet of you to join us, Itt.
Oh, but don't thank us.
What would a snail-hunt be without you? You attract them.
Isn't Mama coming? She's going to stay home with the children.
Teaching them to make cobwebs.
The games.
Good work, Lurch.
The family that plays together stays together.
Put them in the trunk please, Lurch.
- Can I turn on the radio? - By all means.
I'll try to get music to go snail-hunting by.
Dear Itt.
It's his favorite music.
Radio needs fixing.
We interrupt this program for a special announcement.
An unidentified space aircraft has been reported over the Cemetery Ridge area.
Hey, that's our area.
This is an unconfirmed report from MSO, Mysterious Space Objects Headquarters.
There is no cause for alarm and residents of the area are urged not to panic.
We now return you to Harpsichord Reverie.
Hey, maybe they're Martians.
Couldn't we stick around and find out? Well, then it's settled.
We'll stay here and picnic right in our own backyard.
Hinckley, MSO.
You saw a flying object where? I see.
Cemetery Ridge district.
Near what house? The old Addams house? Well, thank you very much, we'll look into it.
You know, that's the 14th call we've had on that Cemetery Ridge sighting.
- What do you think? - Who knows? How about it, Professor? We are always sending spaceships up there.
One of these days somebody up there is going to send something down here.
You mark my words.
The professor is no fool.
Well, I wouldn't go that far, but he is dedicated.
Spending 20 years of his life trying to figure out what the Martians probably talk like.
You know, all this "ralamalabagata" talk may prove to be very valuable.
If those little green guys ever do land, somebody's gonna have to palaver with them.
I think we better get over to that Cemetery Ridge district and look around.
Right.
Oh, one more thing.
This may prove to be another false alarm.
But just in case it isn't, and you are captured, you know what you have to do.
- Eat the codebook.
- Roger.
Tish, that French.
You know what it does to me.
- So lovely, so tasty.
- You're just hungry, dear.
Well, what's for supper? I could eat a horse.
Come, come, Fester, you had that for lunch.
Uncle Fester, be patient, we'll be dining soon.
Why don't you go over and chat with Lurch and Cousin Itt? Oh, they're always talking politics.
Darling, it's almost time for my moonbath.
I'd take it easy, Morticia.
Pretty strong moon.
In fact, I'm gonna put on my moon hat.
- Well, that's very becoming, Uncle Fester.
- It's an original.
Darling, would you fix my chair for me? Oh, thank you, darling.
We ought to be able to get an excellent moonburn tonight.
Gomez, darling, what would we do if a Martian did land right here? We'd do what any red-blooded American would do.
Run.
True.
Gil.
Take a look over there.
Do you see what I see? I see it but I don't believe it.
What do you think? I think it's time we get in touch with headquarters.
- All right in there, querida? - Yes, darling.
The moon was a bit strong.
I thought I'd filter its rays.
Oh, I wouldn't want you getting moonburn.
- Darling, you look just like Galileo.
- The astronomer? No, Cousin Galileo.
He has a suit like that.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Right.
Earth and Mars are at their closest points tonight.
What do you think they're up to? Whatever it is, I don't like it.
Itt, you should speak English.
Well, I guess you're right.
It is a silly language.
Now, let's see, Uranus transits Jupiter at exactly 12:32.
Wonderful.
Right on schedule.
Punch is ready.
- Punch? - A big punch.
They're either getting ready to blow up the place or they're sending smoke signals.
Smoke signals to whom? Who knows? To other spaceships.
Maybe this is a rendezvous point.
Well, the boss man said to move in and investigate.
Yeah.
Darling, are those men staring at us? Not us.
At you.
You're ravishing.
- Darling, please, it's early.
- Your watch is slow.
Hey, they're coming over.
They got such funny looks in their eyes.
They could be people from Mars.
Nonsense.
They're not little, they're not green, and they don't have things sticking out of their heads.
Itt's right.
They could be disguised.
Well, whoever they are, we must be neighborly.
We don't want them thinking we Earth people are snobs.
- Greetings.
- Hi.
We're from the MSO.
I mean the USO.
We do a lot of entertaining for the troops.
You know, singing, dancing.
Well, I'm glad you're Americans.
- Where are you folks from? - Yonder.
Uncle Fester, why don't you get our friends some punch? Coming up.
I like to relax on these outings.
- Do you gentlemen mind if I smoke? - Go right ahead.
Punch? Didn't you ever see anybody smoke before? Everyone must be starved.
- Uncle Fester, get the hotplate.
- I got it right here.
- Plug it in, dear, plug it in.
- You ready, Fester? - Yeah, what is it, AC or DC? - AC.
I do hope you gentlemen like tongue of yak.
- Yak? - Nice and fresh.
It costs a little more than the quick-frozen, but it's so much tastier.
Would you people excuse us a minute? Yes, but hurry back, yak loses something when it's overdone.
- Plenty strange behavior.
- Yes.
They didn't even touch Lurch's punch.
Everything about us seems so strange to them.
I think Cousin Itt is right.
I believe they're from another planet.
I agree.
- You think it's possible? - I think.
How do you like the way the little hairy one talked? - Do you figure that was Martian? - Not according to Professor Altshuler.
Maybe he's a retarded Martian.
Let's blow this clambake.
No! One false move and who knows? We're slave labor on Mars.
He's right again.
One false move and who knows? We're slave labor on Mars.
This is a delicate situation.
We'd better play it by ear.
Oh dear, I do wish Cousin Grope was here.
He has three of them.
Folks, we've decided to level with you.
We're really not with the USO.
I knew it.
You didn't have any taps on your shoes.
- We know exactly who you are, too.
- We even speak your language.
Our language? Gomez, dear, I think he's trying to tell you something.
Well, agamagabagagawhographa to you.
Excuse us.
Those two fellows are up to something.
- What are we going to do? - There's only one thing to do.
Put them under lock and key.
We want you come with us.
- Oh, we couldn't do that.
- We insist.
Now look here We accept.
How nice.
I always say there's nothing like understanding between peoples.
Quick, the codebook.
- Oh, yeah, one of us has got to eat it.
- Bon appétit.
- Lurch, put the gentlemen in the love seat.
- Yes, Mrs.
Addams.
You two gentlemen make yourselves comfortable, my wife and I have to feed some plants in the conservatory.
- But, Gomez, dear - Querida.
Oh, you may amuse yourselves with this.
- That's little Pugsley's ray gun.
- Ray gun? Watch.
Dear Pugsley.
He's so handy with these things.
Have fun.
On second thought, we don't want any mishaps, do we? I'll hang on to this.
Well, at least we're still on Earth.
Darling, aren't we being rude? After all, the plants don't need feeding.
In fact, Cleopatra's on a diet.
It's merely a ruse, my dear.
We must engage in some counterintelligence.
- See what their game is.
- Oh, I do hope it's bridge.
- What do you say we get out of here? - Yeah, we gotta get word to headquarters.
We were just looking around.
- See? Trapped.
- Darling, that was truly inspirational.
That's what they said about old Blood and Thunder Addams at Shiloh.
- When he deserted? - Turned traitor.
- How ghastly.
- Not at those prices.
Maybe we're just imagining all this.
Maybe they're This is just their way of acting friendly.
Maybe they're just a nice, odd It's all a question of strategic deployment of forces.
Darling, you're a natural born leader.
That's what they said about old Cannonball Addams at Bunker Hill.
Right before he turned traitor? No, before he began firing at his own men.
Poor old Canny, absolutely lost without his glasses.
How about the window? Out! Gilbert, where are you? I don't know! Darling, I think we ought to call the authorities.
Capital idea! Now let's see, whose jurisdiction would this come under? - CID? - No.
COD? - USO? - MSO! Operator, get me the MSO.
MSO Headquarters.
I see.
You have a couple of Martians in your basement.
And how do you know they are Martians? Oh, they spoke Martian.
And what did they say? This is the Martians speaking.
Wait a minute, I'll be right there.
Don't go away.
You must Wait a minute, what is your name? Where do you live? Addams.
Right next to the cemetery.
It's a nice neighborhood.
A nice neighborhood? What did I say? You Martian? Yes? Shalom.
I come in peace.
Wait here.
- Operator.
- Hello? Operator? MSO Headquarters.
Emergency.
Please hurry.
Yes.
It's QPA.
The situation is worse than I thought.
The Martians have taken over the whole house.
Goodbye, Agnes.
Isn't that wonderful? Just listen to the two of you chattering away.
What in the world are you saying? I don't know about him, but I was bidding him welcome in Swahili.
- You both speak English? - Well, of course we speak English.
After all, we are in America, Professor Altshuler.
Oh, yes, I know that, but How do you know my name? Why wouldn't we know it? We're the ones who called you.
Stop beating around the bush.
If you don't surrender, bluey! "Bluey"? Yeah, bluey.
I will show you.
Come and see here.
Look.
Mighty nice display, Altshuler.
It's good to know the government is on the alert.
Isn't that an awful lot of planes, though, just to arrest two little Martians in the basement? In the basement? Wait.
Let me handle the whole thing.
They may be violent.
I don't know.
We found them cooperative all the way.
Come along.
Well, old man, there's one of the rascals.
- Darling, where did we put the other one? - Let me see.
- Oh, yes.
- Please be careful.
- But they are not Martians! - Nonsense, they even speak Martian.
- They learnt it from me! - Then you're Martian.
- Funny, you don't look it.
- Most certainly not.
Oh, for heaven's sake, what's the matter with you? If they are not Martians and you are not Martians, what am I doing here? That's an interesting point.
Why don't we all go outside and look around some more? No, no, no.
I've had enough Martians for the whole day.
Oh, my goodness.
I forgot to call off the Plan X before we all get killed.
Good thinking.
- You can use this phone.
- Yes.
Hello? Operator? Yes, MSO Headquarters.
Mach schnell, please.
This is the silliest thing I've It's QPA.
Listen what I'm going to say now.
Cancel everything.
I repeat, cancel everything.
Yes, cancel Plan X, it's a false alarm! Why, this Addams bunch is the simplest, ordinary everyday family.
Good man, Lurch.
The whole thing seems to have been too much for him.
Why, you space scientists.
You're all so delicately balanced.
Oh, gentlemen, excuse me.
According to this, we'll be on Mars in another three years.
Nonsense, Pugsley will be there long before that.
Mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
Oh, it's from the Air Force.
Isn't that sweet? They are thanking us for our contribution to the nation's defense.
Due to us, Plan X was fully tested.
"From now on, there's no need for anyone to worry about a Martian invasion.
"The nation is ready.
" By george, I think one of Pugsley's missiles went out of control.
No matter.
Plan X will take care of everything.