The Munsters (1964) s01e27 Episode Script

[Door Slams Shut.]
Herman's home.
[Clanging.]
Lily, either hang those things so they don't fall down or have them tuned.
Lily? Lily! I have some wonderful news for you, and I can't keep it in any longer.
I'm busting at the seams.
Well, don't do it in here, dear.
I'm getting supper.
I have to tell you what happened today.
Mr.
Gateman down at the parlor asked me into his private office, and he gave me a great compliment.
He said I'm one of the few people there who never lies down on the job.
Oh, Herman, you've really stuck to the job down there.
You've seen a lot of people come and go.
Well, don't keep us in midair.
What did your boss say? He gave me a promotion.
He's making me manager of one of our branch offices.
Oh, manager! Oh, wait till Grandpa's relatives in the Old Country hear about this! They'll really sit up on their hind legs and take notice.
There's only one thing.
For me to take the job, we have to sell the house and move to Buffalo.
- Sell the house? - Sell the house? That's right.
And then all we Munsters will just shuffle off to Buffalo.
? Oh, I'll go and get my shoesies and we'll pack up all our bluesies? ? And away we'll go? ? Ooh, ooh, ooh? ? Off we're gonna shuffle shuffle off to Buffalo?? [Crashing.]
Uh, Spot? Spot! Go fetch! [Growling.]
Bring back Daddy.
[Growling.]
And, uh, inasmuch as this new job touches all our futures, I thought it very important to convene the entire family.
Big deal.
We were all sitting here, anyway.
All you had to do was start talking.
By the way, where's Eddie? He's spending the weekend with one of his little friends from school.
Oh, yes.
Well, uh, now, on the pro side of this thing, this promotion will mean a sizable increase in salary, plus a lot of other benefits, which will accrue.
But, on the other hand, it is also gonna mean that we Lily? Grandpa? Oh, where did everyone go? Herman, we're all here.
Oh.
Oh, yes.
Uh, of course.
As I was saying, now Uh, but, on the other hand, it will also mean selling this beautiful home, with all its charm and graciousness and exquisite furniture.
And I thought that, in a matter so vital to all of us, we should put it to a family vote.
Uh, Lily? Herman, a wife's place is with her husband.
Whither thou goest, I shall go.
Good.
Lily has decided to "whither" with me.
Marilyn? Oh, I'd be happy to move to Buffalo.
Maybe I'll meet some boys who won't think I'm so plain.
Good.
Grandpa? It's all right with me.
I'm as free as a bat.
I can pull up stakes anytime.
Fine.
Then it's all settled.
I'll call Mr.
Gateman, tell him I'll take the new job, and we'll put an ad in the newspaper and sell this house.
There's one person we haven't consulted yet little Eddie.
Oh, well, I'm sure he'll go for it.
Children always adjust very easily to any new environment.
[Chuckling.]
It was neat, Eddie, the way Coach made you catcher and picked you for the captain of the baseball team.
There's a lot of guys better than me.
What I think sold the coach was the way you snagged up those foul tips with your teeth.
You know, Eddie, now that you're on our team, we'll probably win the city championship.
I hope so.
I sure like going to this school and all the guys I met.
You know, I'd rather live here than any other place in the whole world.
Last year, our best shortstop's family moved him to another school district, and we lost the finals.
So all us guys took an oath never to speak to him again.
You don't have to worry about that.
Once, my mother told me we were gonna live where we are for the rest of our lives, and maybe even longer.
Oh, boy, somebody's stopping.
Naturally.
[Chuckles.]
This is the kind of house that would stand out in any neighborhood.
This must be it, Mother.
"1313 Mockingbird Lane.
" Oh, my! That's the kind of a house in those Alfred Hitchcock pictures that always gets hit by lightning.
[Thunderclap.]
Oh, my goodness! Don't sit there, Daddy.
Let's burn rubber! [Tires Squealing.]
Look at the way they took off.
Well, we wouldn't want to sell it to any hot-rodders, anyway.
My, what a setup, eh, Momma? First, we run the séances.
Then we make with the phony ghosts.
Then we rake in the dough.
Yeah, Poppa.
Eh, it's a little clean, but it'll do.
Now listen, kids.
Don't steal nothing till we make the deal, eh? [Thunderous Knocking.]
Yes? Poppa, what do you think? I think the gypsies got here first and spook the place already.
Uh, excuse the intrude.
Uh, good luck, brother.
Grandpa, get inside, quick.
Herman, what's the matter? You look as black as a sheet.
Those were gypsies.
They cast spells, practice sorcery and give people the evil eye.
Oh, I'm glad they didn't buy our house.
Me too.
I can't stand competition.
Oh, Herman, we've had open house all day.
And the few people who did show up didn't even come in.
I just can't understand it.
This house offers everything a family could want.
And we're close-in, and we have a beautiful yard with a kidney-shaped swamp.
Oh! Susie, if this place is for sale, there must be some wonderful old relics inside.
Perhaps we can pick them up for a song.
Oh! Oh.
D-Do you think we should knock? I think we should go right in.
The sign says "open house.
" [Door Creaking.]
Susan, what a quaint old house.
[Gasps.]
And just look at this antique hat rack.
Oh! The wormholes are already in it.
Isn't that fine! We won't have to drill our own.
Ooh! And just look at that newel post.
[Both Gasping.]
I bet they don't realize its value.
We'll tell 'em it's a lot of junk and then practically steal it.
[Both Laughing.]
[Growling.]
[Screaming.]
[Tires Squealing.]
Uh, did you hear something, Lily? Oh, that's just Spot, dear.
He's had indigestion all morning.
Oh.
I guess he got out again and got ahold of some bad telephone poles.
Grandpa, we want you to sit on the house for a while.
Marilyn and I have to go downtown shopping, and Herman has to go out too.
Yes.
If we're gonna move, we're gonna have to pack a lot of things.
I'm gonna stop by the parlor and pick up some empty boxes.
I'll have the house sold before you get back.
Don't worry about a thing, Lily.
I won't let anyone get away.
Oh, how could you, Grandpa? What's the matter? If someone goes for the chicken sandwich, we got a deal.
Grandpa? We'll have none of that.
What we want is someone who loves the house for its charm alone.
Spoilsport.
Pops? Pops? Uh, please.
Come on.
Wake up! Let me sleep another hundred years.
Pops.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, tell me something.
This your ad in the paper? Yes.
This the price? That's right.
I'll take it.
You'll take it? But you haven't seen it yet.
Do you wanna argue or sell the house? Yeah, but Here's a check for the down payment.
Just sign this contract for the temporary bill of sale.
Ooh! Well, thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, thank you.
Forget it.
Oh, and, uh, Pops, if I were you, I'd get back in the house.
You look like you've been out in the sun too long.
Grandpa, that's wonderful.
You sold the house.
Well, it did take all my charm and powers of salesmanship, but I really put on the pressure and closed that deal.
Now we can move to Buffalo, and Uncle Herman can take his new job.
Oh, boy, old Hermie's got it made.
[Laughing.]
? I'll go up and get my shoesies and we'll pack up all our bluesies? ? And away we'll go? [Together.]
? Ooh, ooh, ooh? ? Off we're gonna shuffle shuffle off to Buffalo?? [Laughing.]
Hey, what's all the excitement? Did Grandpa win the Transylvanian sweepstakes? No, Eddie, but we have some wonderful, wonderful news for you.
Yeah? Well, I've got some good news too.
It's about the school baseball team.
Eddie, uh, just a minute.
Your father has a new job.
We just sold the house.
And we're all moving to Buffalo.
- Isn't that wonderful, Eddie? - I won't go! I won't! I won't! I won't! You can't make me! You can't! You can't! I'm not gonna leave my friends! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! You can kill me a million, million times, and I still won't go.
! [Door Creaking, Closing.]
You know, Lily, I don't think he exactly cares for the idea.
Grandpa, I wonder how Herman's making out with Eddie.
He's upstairs now, trying to calm him down.
I had no idea he'd be so upset about moving and leaving his friends.
I know how it is.
In the Old Country, I was always getting attached to my friends and neighbors, especially at night.
Well, one thing about Herman he has a way of getting to the heart of a matter.
And so the little rabbit said to the prairie dog, "Listen, prairie dog, why do you take your family and move out of a perfectly good burrow to someplace far away?" What's a burrow? Burrow? Well, it's sort of like a home, sort of.
But what the little rabbit was trying to tell the prairie dog was that he shouldn't move just because he thought the food was better somewhere else.
I think it's dumb for a rabbit to tell a prairie dog what to do.
Exactly.
And you know what happened? What? The prairie dog did move with his whole family, and he found out the food was better and the new burrow was better, and he made lots of new friends and everything was neato! And the stupid rabbit stayed where he was and ate the dumb food and stayed with his dumb friends.
Right.
And somebody probably caught the rabbit and painted him pink for Easter or something.
Exactly.
That's what the rabbit got for not grasping at an opportunity and moving to a new place.
So, you see what a good idea it would be for us all to move to Buffalo? And the prairie dog probably got eaten by a kangaroo, 'cause he never saw kangaroos before, and because they didn't have kangaroos where he used to live.
Right.
Uh, uh, no.
No.
No, wrong.
Wrong, wrong.
Uh, Eddie, kangaroos don't eat prairie dogs.
Uh, they're allergic to them.
And the stupid rabbit stayed where he was and got fat and had pink kids! Wait a minute.
The prairie dog is the hero of this story, not the rabbit.
And the rabbit sent letters to the prairie dog, but they came back unanswered.
So the rabbit knew it was smarter to stay in his own burrow than moving away and getting eaten up by a kangaroo.
Wait a minute Boy, Dad, thanks for telling me the neat story.
Now I can sleep tonight without worrying about moving to Buffalo.
Gee, Dad, I'm glad you came up here and explained it to me.
Yeah.
Sure, Eddie.
So am I.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, son.
Now I can go to school and tell all the guys that I don't have to move and that I can be the captain of the school baseball team.
Boy, this is the neatest thing that's happened since Grandpa dug up Spot for me.
Bye, Spot.
[Growling.]
That happy little skip in that happy little boy is worth a fortune to his dear, old dad.
[Chuckling.]
Herman, what happened? Last night, you went up to explain to Eddie why we had to move to Buffalo.
Suddenly, this morning, it's all off.
Well, I tried to explain it to him, but it just didn't work out.
I guess I should've used the Three Little Pigs.
You know, I've always been rotten with prairie dogs.
Well, I'm glad it happened.
It just proves to all of us how much we love this place.
I agree, Marilyn.
Grandpa, you go call that gentleman and tell him we want out of the house deal.
I'm gonna go down to the parlor and tell Mr.
Gateman that I just can't take the new job.
Herman, he'll be disappointed, so let him down gently.
Lily, have no fear.
In my business, we always let people down gently.
But, Mr.
Dennison, we changed our minds.
What do you mean we can't? A sales contract? Bulldozers, wreckers on their way over now? [Chuckling.]
Uh, Mr.
Dennison, just a minute.
You can't talk to me that way.
[Line Disconnects.]
I guess he can.
- Can we get our house back, Grandpa? - I guess not, Eddie.
They're on their way over now with bulldozers to tear it down.
Grandpa, what'll we do? Herman's down at the parlor, and those men will be here any minute.
What'll we do? We'll do what men have done for centuries.
We'll stand firm and defend our homes.
We'll man the battlements, flood the moat and pull in the drawbridge.
But, Grandpa, we don't have any battlements or any moat.
Marilyn, will you please Don't be so technical.
I haven't had so much fun since I started the French Revolution.
[Laughing.]
The chains, Eddie! Right, Grandpa.
[Sinister Laughter.]
?? [Humming.]
Here's Grandma's best silver.
Grandma's best silver.
Twenty pounds of bobby pins.
That oughta curl their hair.
Uh, here's one of Eddie's skates.
Oh, Eddie's skates.
?? [Humming.]
[Laughs.]
Wait till they get a taste of this cast-iron fruit salad.
Here they come! Oh, I won't fire unless I have to.
I sure hope I have to.
They think they can scare us off.
Listen, you people, I bought this house to wreck it, and I'm gonna wreck it.
Hold off, sir! Our home is our castle, and we shall defend it, down to the last man, woman and child.
How do you like them apples, mister? What is this? We've run into trouble like this before.
When we built those freeways, the little old ladies tried to throw themselves down in front of the bulldozers.
How come those weird getups? You know these radicals.
They'll do anything to get their picture in the paper.
All right, fellas.
Get movin'.
Okay, stand back, people.
We're comin' through.
Okay, they're asking for it.
C'est la vie.
That's the way I goofed at Waterloo.
All right, folks.
You had your little joke.
Come on now.
Break it up.
Yeah, Pops, knock it off.
What's going on here? Are they kidding with him? It's just another one of those Halloween makeups to try to get us off their backs.
Oh, Herman! It's been a nightmare.
These men are gonna tear down our house, and Mr.
Dennison won't listen to reason.
So we've been protecting ourselves.
Lily, please.
We'll have to think this thing over.
After all, we did sign that paper.
I knew it! I knew it! Little Goody Two-shoes had to show up.
Grandpa, right is right.
If they bought the house, they have a right to tear it down.
And you can't just go around aiming a cannon at everybody without having anarchy.
And anarchy is violence.
And violence is very naughty.
What are you going to do, Uncle Herman, just let them take the house from us? Marilyn, we shouldn't have signed that piece of paper without reading it.
No, I'm going to ask them if they'll allow us a few weeks to find a place to live.
Aw, Pop, let's smash 'em now and talk later.
Eddie, please! Uh, good afternoon, gentlemen.
[Laughing.]
Uh, I think there's something we should discuss.
Listen, jack.
I bought this house to tear it down and put in a parking lot.
So why don't you just get out.
But, sir, uh, uh Uh, we Uh Gentlemen, gentlemen, I think we should talk this thing over.
Uh, now, look.
You seem to be reasonable types.
[Chuckling.]
Uh, if you look at the thing my Oh.
If you look at the thing my way, you'll just go back to your office and tear up that contract.
[Laughing.]
[Loud Crash.]
You see, Lily? If you reason with people, they'll see the light.
They were in such a hurry to get back and tear up the contract, they left their machinery behind.
Herman, you saved our home.
Pop, you're a hero.
Oh, shucks, it it was nothing.
[Laughing.]
Herman.
Herman, we don't want the neighbors to think we keep an untidy place.
Go out and pick up the street.
Yes, dear.
[Grunts.]
[Sighs.]
[Crashing.]
"And the property, therefore, reverts to the original owner, Herman Munster.
" That's wonderful! That's great! We have our house back.
Signed R.
Dennison.
Hmm.
Poor man writes with a shaky hand.
What did they say down at the parlor, dear? Oh, well, Mr.
Gateman decided not to open the branch office in Buffalo.
He says he can't afford it.
Can't afford it? No.
He just went over the books for the last two months and found out we've been going in the hole.
Oh, hi, Eddie.
Eddie, you home from school so soon? [Pans Chime.]
Lily, you had them tuned! Eddie, how was baseball practice today? [Muffled Chatter.]
Eddie, uh, turn around, son.
Come here.
Come here.
[Pops.]
Herman, there's no two ways about it.
We're simply going to have to buy Eddie a catcher's mitt.