8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter s01e28 Episode Script

OK, Maggie.
I'll see you in a few.
Well, looks like Maggie decided to cut her - weekend with the girls short.
- Lucky girls.
Paul! Well, yeah.
No, I mean, no! Maggie has been through a really rough time.
I think we should show her some compassion.
Come on.
It's human nature.
It's like me and Ted.
I can't say that I'm entirely unhappy that Mr.
Favorite-Son-in-Law couldn't seem to make his marriage work while "second-best" Paul Hennessy has been able to stick it out all these years.
"Stick it out"? Cherish.
I meant cherish.
All right, that's her.
Be good.
Oh, oh, wait, Paul, I can feel a dark cloud on the other side.
This must be what it feels like when Death comes a-knockin'.
"A-knockin'?" I thought we were supposed to show some compassion.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Open the door and let Saddy McSad-Sad in.
I'm back.
Well, hello.
- Eyes up! - I mean, hello.
Maggie, you look Wow! Yeah.
I know! I decided this weekend that I was gonna change my attitude about everything.
Oh, I am so proud of you.
And I'm just happy you're You're Look, I'm sorry, Maggie, but your breasts - You are at least a cup size bigger.
- Try three cup sizes! But you were telling us about your weekend.
Oh, these? I went out and bought a water bra just for fun.
What the heck? Men looked at me! I felt better.
Whoa - Aunt Maggie? - Aunt Maggie? Oh, girls, your Aunt Maggie just looks three cup sizes bigger because she got a water bra.
We were gonna ask what she was doing home so soon.
- Oh.
- Aunt Maggie! Gee, Rory, I thought you didn't like hugs.
Shh.
I can hear the ocean.
- Rory! Get over here! Sit down! - Sit down! Don't hit Rory! I think that we can all agree.
Doesn't Maggie look great? She looks fantastic! Don't you have writing to do or something? Cate, we have guests.
Oh, Aunt Maggie, tell us about your weekend.
I took your dad's advice, called up some old friends and they told me to stop feeling sorry for myself.
- I told you that too.
- Yeah, but they didn't use that tone.
Don't I know that tone! You know, it's a guy at work.
Drives me nuts.
Did you know there is a whole substrata of women who've gotten out from under the yoke of marriage and blossomed? A few of us are going to Italy this summer.
As one of those still under the yoke, I'm happy for you.
- Aunt Maggie! - All right, that's enough.
- Take him upstairs.
- Wait! Wait! Wait! - I'm really sorry, Maggie.
- Oh, no, no, just No, I Get upstairs.
Well, that sounds great, Aunt Maggie.
I've always wanted a group of friends to share life's heartaches with.
What're you talking about? - We went shopping.
- That's what I do when I get sad! Or mad or glad or bad.
- What'd you get? - Two of everything.
Let me show you! What did you get new shoes? - You must be psychic.
- You know, sometimes I think I am.
Aunt Maggie! Oh, my God, Mom, she's gone to the blonde side.
Now there's two of them.
I'm happy for her.
I'm happy.
Oh, Mom Look at me.
You're the sensitive one.
You're smart.
You have inner beauty and sooner or later, people are gonna realize what they've been missing.
Sucks, doesn't it? Bridget, have you seen my thesaurus? Oh, right, never mind.
What are you doing? Waiting for Donny to call.
I really need to speak to him.
Donny! Daddy, leave.
Ask Donny if he knows a better word for, um - Out! - I'm leaving.
Donny, hi.
OK, I need your undivided attention.
For the next few moments, it's only you and Bridget, I'm just calling to say I can't talk.
I'm on restriction.
Why? For talking to you.
We went way past curfew last night.
Bridget, I've never met a girl who can talk so much.
Thank you.
- Donny, I miss you.
- I miss you, too.
I gave up my whole life for you.
None of my friends will speak to me.
I had to have lunch with Mitch "The Math-a-Magician.
" A math-a-magician? I don't know how I feel about that.
Donny, I'm lonely.
Let me tell you something that'll keep you going till Christmas.
Something I've never told another girl.
- Yeah? - I Sir, yes, sir! Hanging up right now, sir! Hey, guys, I just got off the phone with Carter Tibbits, NASCAR legend.
I'm writing his book.
No big deal.
You're riveted, I see.
We're having a disagreement.
Now, does this paragraph "suck" to you? "My diaper was a checkered flag.
My bottle, a can of 50-weight oil.
My " Oh, it does suck.
Kerry, is that a Is that a new top? Uh-huh.
Aunt Maggie gave it to me.
I don't want you wearing that outside this house.
- No problem.
- Kerry, take over for a sec.
- Kyle's killing me.
- Oh, OK.
I'm killing you! - What're you looking at? - Nothing.
Don't objectify me! I wasn't.
I was just looking at your body.
- Well, don't.
- OK, OK.
Jeez.
Oh, Bridget, some of your friends dropped by.
- Really? - Yeah, Heather, Danielle and Oh, yeah, I'm lying.
- Hey, Kyle.
- 'Sup? Don't objectify me.
- What? - Rory, I have gotta go.
What are you doing? You have a boyfriend.
He's somewhere in Maryland doing push-ups.
Doesn't mean you can hit on Kyle.
Can't have your cake and eat it, too.
I was just flirting.
Besides, Kyle's like a crash test dummy.
- Besides, what do you care? - Well, as a matter of fact You know, Kerry, isn't that top a little trashy and revealing? - You have one just like it.
- Mine's blue.
- We're back.
- Aunt Maggie! Sit! There you are, Bridget.
I know you've been a little down, so I brought you a present.
Really? Oh, my gosh! No way! Thank you! Huh.
So, uh, what was in the bag? Somethin'.
Somethin' what? Just somethin'.
Just somethin' what? None of your beeswax.
Actually, it is my bees What's in the damn bag? OK, OK.
Somethin'.
Somethin' what? Oh, my God.
I just Ha! - Bridget! What are you wearing? - It's a water bra! - Well, take it off! - No! I love it.
And the guys will love it them.
Oh, I'm so back on top with these.
Hello Mary-Kate.
Hello Ashley.
- Talk about a Full House.
- What guys will love it? You're in an exclusive relationship with Donny Doyle, remember? - Another reason to take it off! - But he's so far away.
Exclusive and he's far away? This is a no-brainer.
Have your cake and eat it too.
Life is short.
Who's to know? And what kind of advice are you giving her? Yeah, what kind of advice are you giving her? Just telling her to have a little fun.
- God, Cate, you're so negative.
- God! Look, Aunt Maggie.
There's two of them.
All right, Rory, Kerry, out! Bridget, you go upstairs and take that off! - What? Mom! God! - Now! - Bridget! - I'll go to her.
She'll listen to me.
Bridget, honey.
Paul? Satan? You have no idea what is going on with your girls.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I need to write.
I told you that Maggie was gonna be a bad influence.
She is corrupting Bridget.
Do you know what she bought her? - That's between me and her.
- OK, that's it.
I have had it.
Come on, I need to have a career here, but this constant din in this house is impeding my creativity and any possibility of turning out a NASCAR classic.
So both of you are going to leave right now.
You're gonna fix this, because I already - have my own teenage daughters.
- Don't talk to me that way! - I'm not ten! - Go! Yeah, right, Paul! "Maggie's a bad influence.
You have no idea what's going on with your daught " "Early Pregnancy Detection Kit"? Bridget.
Bridget! - Doyle! - Dad? The boy.
Come here.
You haven't been watching Field of Dreams again, have you? Can't a father love his son? - Where's Bridget? - She went out to the - You're snooping around.
- No.
I'm parenting.
What are we "parenting" for? I'm looking for something Popsicle-sized.
- Closet.
Top shelf.
Shoe box.
- Closet.
Top shelf.
Shoe box.
This is Bridget's report card.
I've never seen this.
Oh.
That's not like a Popsicle at all.
By the way, did Kyle call? He said he might drop by.
Kyle! Doyle! Kyle! Doyle? Bridget! Jeez, no! Come back! Come back! Save! Save! Save! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Bye, Daddy.
That's for me.
Kerry? Kyle! Come on, Cate.
Pick up.
Pick up.
Pick up.
Pick up.
- Hello? - Rory? How did you Get off the phone! What happened to "hug me"? Bridget, I need you to get home right now.
Dad, I can't talk right now.
I'm with my friends.
Well, I'm with Laurie.
- Lacey.
- Lacey.
I do too like her.
I'm almost home.
I'm practically in the garage.
Do you like ponies? If you had a pony, what would you name it? My life is over.
Oh, my God.
The mullet brothers are looking at me.
Lucky.
Ooh, that's a good name for a pony.
Bridget, you know Luke and Tyler? No.
Dude, how come you never talk to us at school? - You're, like, too good for us? - Yeah, bro, just 'cause we're all "business in the front, party in the back"? - Yo! I was talking to her, dude! - Dude! Dude, I went to a dude ranch two summers ago.
I have a picture of me on a pony.
You wanna see? Donny, come back.
I'll kill him! I'll kill him! Who am I killing? Kyle! Doyle! I'm onto all of you! Justin Timberlake! Josh Hartnett! Guy from boy band I don't know.
OK.
We've taken the obligatory lap, been in every store and pretended to browse.
- Are we ever gonna talk? - What's the point? All we do is fight.
That's the first thing we've agreed on today.
Why don't we go home, I'll pack and we'll try this another time? In what? Another two to three years when we see each other again? Oh.
Maggie! Look.
Come here.
Oh, Kerry.
It's your sister Bridget.
What happened to her older boyfriend? She's with Laurie and those two guys that sleep in the car.
- That'll teach her to blow us off.
- Yeah.
- This is - Not good.
- Kerry.
Kyle.
- Bridget.
I, uh, gotta go to the other side of the mall touch it and then come back.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, I know.
Look how they love each other.
- Get out of here! - You get out of here! - Ow! - Look how close they are.
You remember when we were like that? Yeah, before you started shutting me out of your life.
- My old boyfriend! - Ow! My new boyfriend! - Ow! My mall! - Ow! You can have the librar Eee! What are you talking about, shutting you out of my life? - I keep in touch.
- Oh, yeah.
We send Christmas cards and birthday presents.
We talk on the phone.
A lot.
And yet you never once mentioned that you and Ted were having problems.
I'm your sister, Maggie.
I wanna help.
And yet I had to learn about your divorce from Mom.
Mom! And we both know how much fun it is to talk to Mom! And what's the deal with Mom's eyebrows? I know.
I know.
They're up to her forehead.
She always looks surprised.
Why have you always left me out of your life? 'Cause yours is so great.
And mine Well, I mean, Cate I don't begrudge you your happiness, but sometimes I feel a little jealous.
I mean, you do everything so well and I've always lived in your shadow.
Sometimes literally.
You're jealous of me? Really? - I was always jealous of your friends.
- My friends? Who got to know you better than I did.
You were always so funny and interesting to them.
And now, with all that's going on, and you and your substrata going and jetting off to Italy.
And It sounds so exciting.
I guess I'm a little jealous again.
Jealous of me? I've waited my whole life to hear that.
Why are you so shocked, B? I mean, you moved on from high school.
You got what you wanted.
You got Donny.
You even released Kyle to the universe.
Remember? You're right.
You're right.
I made my bed and now I have to let sleeping dogs lie in it.
Oh, Beach.
It's OK.
I just have to stick it out until Christmas.
God, being pinned is not what I thought it was.
I'm lonely and I have two little holes in my favorite dress.
Well, have fun being popular.
It's not as easy as it looks.
Popular? Me? God, I never thought I'd hear that.
- Say it again, now.
Say it again.
- No.
Italy, Cate.
Me in a little café with a waiter named Paolo.
OK, make it Fabio and I'll be jealous.
Really, really jealous.
Thank you.
Come here to me.
My darling.
- Let's go.
- OK.
Come on.
Let's find some liquor and men.
- That waiter was flirting with me.
- Oh, he was a busboy.
I got a good feeling about him.
He's going places.
All right, Maggie, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
- Paul! - Cate, wait a minute.
You two have been so wonderful to me.
I am actually ready to go back to New York.
The new, improved, happy and positive me.
Oh, it's gonna kill Ted.
I have to talk to you.
Something happened today.
- What is it? - Aunt Maggie! What's wrong with you, Paul? Honey, I know I've been crazed about my career, but I want you to know from now on my family comes first and and you and I will deal with this.
Deal with what? You two, come here! Girls, sit on the couch, right now.
- Sit down, quickly! - Paul? - I can't do this.
- Paul, what is going on? We need to find who this belongs to.
- Oh.
- I know.
I can't believe it.
Kerry.
Bridget.
Beach.
Care Bear.
Paul it's mine.