Bonanza s01e28 Episode Script
San Francisco
Well, trail herd delivered top price for our beef, beautiful San Francisco weather.
What more could we ask? Well, a few days out of the saddle.
By golly, we'll have that, too.
Listen, as a change from Hop Sing's chuck wagon, I'm throwing a little supper party tonight.
Oysters, steak, champagne, the works.
(cheering) And after that, after that, five days for all of us in San Francisco with nothing to do but have a good time.
Hot dog! Pa, that's what I've been waiting to hear you say.
What's the matter, Johnny? Mr.
Cartwright, I think you made a mistake here.
What's that? I got too much pay.
No, no, you haven't.
You and Hamp both deserve a bonus.
Now you're gonna have a good time, but remember, this is not the Ponderosa, it's San Francisco, so be careful.
Thanks, boss, but don't worry about us.
After riding trail with these boys of yours, this town is gonna seem downright tame.
Hey, thanks a lot.
Come on, Hamp.
Don't be late for supper.
Fine boys.
Well, with hands like Johnny and Hamp, we won't have any trouble running the Ponderosa.
Come on, let's get back to the hotel.
Let's have some fun.
Hamp, I'm beginning to like this San Francisco town.
You know something? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna buy that sweet wife of mine a whole bolt of Chinese silk.
Silk? Did you say silk? I said silk.
Nothing too good for that sweet wife of mine.
Gentlemen, I just happened to overhear.
Now as you see by my card, I'm a silk merchant.
And I just happen to have a brand-new shipment from the Orient.
It's the home of the silkworm.
Now if you'll follow me to my establishment Why sure, neighbor.
Yes, gentlemen, right back here-- I have my shop because it's wholesale.
Right this way, gentlemen.
I hope Shanghai Pete takes 'em off my hands.
That ship sails for Hong Kong at midnight.
Take 'em in, boys.
(theme song playing) (humming tune) That's very strange.
Johnny and Hamp should be here by now.
Don't worry about them two, Pa, they'll be here.
They ain't gonna turn down free oysters and champagne, I'll guarantee you.
JOE: He's right, Pa.
Hey, you know, I feel kind of guilty.
Huh? Why? Well, here we are having ourselves a big time while Adam's home working himself to death.
Oh? Yeah, doggone it, I do too, Pa.
Really? Well, it's too bad you boys didn't think about that before you rigged those straws you drew to see who'd come on this trip.
Hey, Pa What about Hop Sing? Is he gonna come along? Oh, I doubt that very much.
He's got a hundred relatives in town he wants to visit.
Wish old Hamp and Johnny'd hurry up and get back.
After supper, me and Little Joe sort of figured we'd go over to one of them places where they got them good-looking waiter gals.
Yeah, now you're talking, brother.
(mocking tone): "Now you're talking, brother.
" If you think I'm gonna let you and Little Joe wander around the Barbary Coast at night alone, you've got yourself another think coming.
This is San Francisco-- it's a big city and it's a wild city.
Yeah, but, Pa, you let Hamp and Johnny go.
Well, you're not Hamp and Johnny.
Haven't you ever heard of shanghaiing? Yeah, it's got something to do with sailors, doesn't it? You know, there isn't a ship in this harbor that isn't short of sailors.
You could be slugged over the head and on your way to Singapore before you ever knew what happened.
Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
Oh No, really, I hear there's a lot of good-looking women in Singapore.
In Singapore, but not on board a ship.
And how'd you like to eat nothing more than sour salt pork for more than a year? I wouldn't like that.
No, I guess not.
You boys take care of yourselves.
This is San Francisco, it isn't the Ponderosa.
(knocking) There's Hamp and Johnny now.
It's about time.
Oh, Hop Sing.
I thought you were with your relatives.
Something wrong, Hop Sing? Not know for sure.
#3 cousin-- he see two cowboys go in alley, hit on head, not come out.
Cousin come quick, tell Hop Sing.
Think maybe it's Mr.
Hamp and Mr.
Johnny.
Hamp and Johnny? Wait a minute, what makes you think it might be Hamp and Johnny? They not in hotel room.
Pa, maybe Hoss and I ought check on it.
I think we'll all check it.
They're probably just over in some saloon having themselves a good time.
Four more before midnight if you want to get paid.
That'll be all, boys.
Cowboys.
(spits) What can I do to make 'em look more like sailors? Hoss, any luck? Not a bit, Pa.
Any luck? Nothing.
Well, I'm going to the police.
Hey, listen, do you mind if Hoss and I have a look around some more? Well, I guess it doesn't take four of us to talk to a policeman.
Just a moment now.
Remember this is not the Ponderosa, so you two stay out of trouble, do you understand? Pa, you know us better than that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on.
(drunkenly humming tune) Are you the man in charge here? What can I do for you? Uh, my name is Cartwright, Ben Cartwright.
I just drove a herd of cattle across the Sierra.
Well, San Francisco can certainly use a decent beefsteak.
Sergeant, I didn't come here to discuss beefsteaks.
Two of my top hands have disappeared.
Well, it does happen.
Is this or isn't it the San Francisco police department? It's exactly that.
I just told you, two of my top hands have disappeared and I've come here for help.
I suppose you expect me to drop everything and go find them, hmm? Yes, that's exactly it.
Mr.
Cartwright, men are always disappearing in this city.
And you do nothing to try to find out what happened to them? Do you realize how many policemen it would take to keep an eye on ever shanghai hideout on the Barbary Coast? Well, Sergeant, I'm not interested in how many men it would take.
I came here for help.
Mr.
Cartwright, this is a seaport.
Ships come here from all over the world.
Ships need sailors.
Sailors, yes, but not cowboys.
You'd be surprised how many cowboys become sailors.
Now I suggest that you do as all the ship captains do when they find themselves shorthanded-- set out and find yourself a new crew.
Do-do you sit here and condone the buying and selling of human beings? I don't condone it, but I don't have enough men to do anything about it, so I accept it as an unfortunate fact.
Now please, if you'll excuse me.
All right, Sergeant, you mark my words-- I'm gonna find those two men of mine with or without your help.
All right, you go right ahead.
But I warn you-- look out.
Hey, we're getting pretty close to that waterfront, ain't we? Figure it out.
If you were going to shanghai somebody and put 'em on a ship, where would you take 'em, out on the desert? What do you keep talking about shanghaiing for, Little Joe? You know as well as I do, that Hamp and Johnny are right around here in some of these little joints.
The only thing is, these bartenders don't seem to want to give out much information, do they? That's 'cause they're all in cahoots.
Aw, quit worrying.
Come on.
Now wait a minute, wait a minute.
We're not going to get anywhere this way.
Hoss, why don't you cover that side of the street.
I'll take this side.
Hop Sing, go check with your cousins.
See if they've seen anything.
Not think it good you boys be here on Barbary Coast.
You're as bad as Pa, Hop Sing.
Now I've heard tell a man can have himself a lot of fun down here on this Barbary Coast.
Well, you know, brother, I've heard the same thing.
Get going, Hop Sing.
(piano playing) Well, howdy.
How are you? I'm looking for a couple of friends of mine.
Thought they might have come in here.
Two cowboys.
Sonny, we serve out drinks here, not information.
Yeah, well, I just thought And you look too young to drink, so, uh, why don't you get out of here.
Wait a minute, all I Thank you.
Too many questions being asked around here.
Think I better tell Mr.
Pendleton.
Oh, Mr.
Cartwright.
Yes, Mr.
Cartwright.
Where's Hoss and Little Joe? They go Barbary Coast.
What?! Not good.
On Barbary Coast, hit, slice, cut, push.
Very dangerous.
Shanghai.
If Little Joe didn't have enough sense to know that, Hoss should have.
Why didn't you tell him? I tell him.
He say look like fun.
Look like fun.
I better find those two before they get into some real trouble.
Barbary Coast.
Hop Sing go find cousin.
Joseph! Well, at least I found one of you.
Now where's your brother? Oh, he's looking for Hamp and Johnny.
Didn't I tell you two to stay together? Pa, we thought it would go faster this way.
(excited shouting) Isn't that Hoss? (crowd clamoring) MAN: Come on! Hoss, didn't I tell you to stay out of trouble? Pa, I ain't in no trouble.
This here is Busthead Brannigan.
He's a box-fight champion of the whole Barbary Coast.
Come on, Mr.
Busthead, wake up.
Hey, you mean you did this for money? Sure.
I told you it was gonna be fun down on this Barbary Coast, Little Joe.
Looky there.
More than a hundred dollars.
Makes me madder than a mischief to think about how much talent I done wasted for free.
Come on, Mr.
Busthead, wake up.
Come on.
Come on.
(moaning) Mr.
Busthead, like I told ya, I don't want your championship.
It was nice of you to offer to help us.
Come on.
Come on.
(moaning) Mr.
Busthead, I want you to meet my pa.
Busthead Brannigan, this is my pa.
No, over here.
Mr.
Busthead.
Champion! He's a real fine feller.
Well, champ, have you any conceivable idea of the seriousness of the situation we're in? Serious? Pa, you still think Johnny and Hamp are in trouble? I don't think it, I know it.
You mean shanghaied? Yes, I mean shanghaied.
Dad-burnit, let's tear this dang town apart then.
We'll do no such thing.
We're not gonna invite trouble unless it's forced on us.
And that goes for you two particularly.
Well, don't stand there making a spectacle of yourself.
Go get your clothes on.
Get your shirt on.
Mr.
Busthead, it was a real pleasure meetin' you.
You'll be a great champion.
Mr.
Hoss, Mr.
Hoss, #3 cousin, he like to talk to you.
(speaks Chinese) Ain't it something? Ol' Hop Sing's relative bein' so dang glad to meet me? Why not? He win $100 on fight! (all laugh) You ought be careful.
Huh? Cousin say everybody on Barbary Coast talk about man and two son.
Say they ask too many question.
Everybody's in cahoots.
I don't see how we're ever gonna find out anything.
Well, we won't find out anything if the three of us keep barging in like we're gonna tear the place apart.
We used to do it that way.
Well, it won't work now.
Now you two boys, you get back to the hotel and you stay there.
And don't move until you hear from me.
I'm gonna see what I can find out alone.
Hey, Pa, don't you think we ought to go along with you? No, I don't.
If I find out anything, I'll send Hop Sing for you.
Pa, you stay out of trouble, you hear? You make sure you listen to your own advice, young man.
You, too.
Come on.
(Hop speaks Chinese) Sure hope Pa knows what he's doing.
Don't you worry about Pa.
He knows what he's doing.
(raucous conversations, laughter) (piano playing lively music) You boys wait here.
Fine-looking place you have here.
Thank you.
We try to keep it up.
If it isn't too much bother, could you make me a brandy squash, please? No bother at all.
That's what I'm here for.
Thank you.
(loud conversation, laughter) There you are.
Thank you.
Now there's a surprise! What's the matter? Something wrong? Wrong? Why, this is the finest brandy squash I've ever tasted in my life.
And I've tasted them all the way from New York to Chicago to New Orleans.
Well, I'm glad you like it.
It's an art, bartending.
It's an art.
Not many men have the talent for it.
Tell me, did you ever work in New Orleans? No, can't say as I have.
Ah, too bad.
A man with your talent could demand any wage he asked for.
Yes, sir.
Fine profession, bartending.
And you meet a mighty lot of interesting people.
(chuckles) All kinds.
No doubt about it.
Yes, I can imagine.
I, uh, wager that with drinks like this, practically everybody in town drops in here one time or another.
Well, we, we get our share.
I have two friends in town I just gotta bring in here and show 'em what a good drink really tastes like.
Say, I wonder if they've been in here already.
Well, I got a pretty good memory for faces.
A couple of cowboys.
They work up on a ranch in the Sierras.
Drove a herd of cattle into town.
Uh, let's, let's see now.
You say, um--- I want to get this straight-- you say that there were two of them? That's right.
Those two are inseparable.
Two of the best hands I ever had.
Well, hello.
My name is Alexander Pendleton.
I'm the proprietor of this establishment.
I don't believe I've had the pleasure of seeing you in here before.
No, no, I think not.
My name is Ben Cartwright.
I've just been complimenting your bartender on the excellence of his drinks.
Well, that's very kind of you.
Uh, why don't we go down to the end of the bar? It'll be quieter, more comfortable.
All right.
Over in the corner's better.
Thanks.
You say your, your name is Pendleton? Yes, Alexander Pendleton.
Would you care for another drink? Well, thank you.
Bartender? Yes, sir? A real squash this time.
(chuckles) For the road.
(both laugh) Boss, are you sure you know what you're doing? Haven't you had enough trouble with those two cowboys you bought from Cut-Rate Joe? That's their boss you just dropped through the floor! I need three more men to fill out Captain Shark's crew.
And I don't prefer to buy them from Cut-Rate Joe.
Oh, boss And if you're thinking of asking for a raise, don't! The man was lying to you.
You make the worst drinks in town.
Hoss, I'm getting worried.
They've been gone over an hour.
Yeah.
I'll tell you one thing, Little Joe.
If we don't hear from Hop Sing or Pa within the next 15 minutes, I'm just about ready to go down there and tear this dang Barbary Coast apart board for board.
(knocking) Where's Pa? Not sure.
What do you mean you're not sure? Where'd you leave him? Mr.
Cartwright tell Hop Sing wait.
Hop Sing wait long time.
Mr.
Cartwright no come back.
Hop Sing worry.
Come see you boys.
Hop Sing, you shouldn't ought to done that.
Pa comes out of there, and you ain't there, what's he gonna do? #5 cousin wait.
Little Joe, you don't reckon anything's wrong with Pa? Pa? Don't worry.
He can take care of himself.
(breathing heavily) Boss! Mr.
Cartwright.
Hamp, Johnny, you boys all right? Yeah, all right.
How did they get you in here? You'd never believe it.
After me telling the boys to stay out of trouble.
I know what you mean.
If Johnny hadn't wanted to buy that silk for his wife, we, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Well, never mind about that now, Hamp.
The point is how, how can we get out of this mess? There's nothing we can do.
You raise a fuss, they come in and beat you over the head.
(door opens) I've got some fine sailors for you, Captain.
Excellent, excellent.
That sounds like that Mr.
Pendleton.
Well, you promised me six.
There are only three.
You got to give me time.
I need those men! My ship sails at midnight.
Mr.
Pendleton! Excuse me.
I want to make a deal with you! A deal, Mr.
Cartwright? I don't know what you expect to get for us, but whatever it is, I'll pay you twice that amount if you let us out of here.
Twice? Fair enough? Oh, no, you don't.
A contract is a contract.
You agreed to give me six men.
So I did.
An interesting offer, Mr.
Cartwright, but due to circumstances beyond my control Three times the going price! A contract is a contract if you want my business in the future.
As you say, a contract is a contract.
Good.
The one who's talking, he isn't drunk.
Perhaps he just holds his liquor well.
You know my principles! Don't want him, huh? The two sailors, yes, the sober one, no.
Unless you get me four more men within the hour, I'll take my business to Cut-Rate Joe.
All right, boys, come get them.
Mr.
Cartwright, I feel pretty lowdown about all this.
Well, John, it's, it's my fault for not keeping us all together.
(door opens) All right, come on.
Let's go.
Why you! Don't do it, Mr.
Cartwright! You'll just be getting a beating for nothing.
Believe me, it's best.
All right, come on! Boys, we'll, we'll get out of this somehow.
My boys are bound to be looking for me now.
PENDLETON: No, no, no, not that one.
The captain turned him down cold.
Come on.
Let's go! (raucous conversations) Have any luck? Not a dad-burned bit.
Hoss, I'm getting worried.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm getting just about ready to tear this dad-blamed town apart.
Come on, Little Joe.
I, uh, I brought you something to eat.
Well, I'm not hungry.
Well, you better be.
You know, Shanghai Pete is pretty mad about not being able to sell you.
Shanghai Pete? Is that what that Mr.
Pendleton calls himself? Well, you got it wrong end to Shanghai Pete sometimes calls himself "Mr.
Pendleton.
" Ah, Mr.
Pendleton.
You better eat this.
Well, it's all right.
It ain't got no, no knockout drops in it.
You're real quality, ain't you? What? Oh, what I mean is we don't get your kind in here often.
Mostly drunks-- sailors and farmers and cowboys like them other two.
Well, I'll have you know that them other two are two of the finest men I've ever known.
Just because they happened to go out on a little celebration.
It wasn't a little one.
It was a real good one.
(chuckles) I don't know why men have to act up so.
It just gets 'em in trouble.
I wish someday I'd find just one man who wasn't always wanting to get into trouble.
Oh, well.
Uh, uh, wait a minute.
Um, don't go.
Why not? Sit down.
What's your name? Kathleen.
Kathleen.
Well, that's a that's a right pretty name.
I think so.
Your name is Ben Cartwright, ain't it? Kathleen, tell me, what what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Ain't that funny.
So many men have asked me the same question.
And I've given it a lot of thought.
And I think the reason is, I like the money.
Well, you're certainly an honest sort.
You think so, really? Oh, yeah.
Why are you surprised? I don't know, sometimes, you know, you can't just trust everybody.
Well, Kathleen, I trust you.
Oh, I was sort of hoping you would.
Kathleen, now tell me-- if this Shanghai Pete, or Mr.
Pendleton, or whatever his name is, if he sells me, do you get anything out of it? No, I don't, not a penny.
Well, wouldn't you like to? Oh, yes, I would.
I've been asking to be put on commission.
Kathleen, if you help me out of here Mercy no.
I have the money.
Well, I don't see how you could.
The men who brought you in here picked your pocket first.
I mean, I don't have it with me.
But I own a ranch.
I can get all the money I want without any trouble.
Oh How much? If you help me get out of here and tell me where I can find the other two men-- $500.
$500?! $500.
You wouldn't back out? Oh, I give you my word.
The money's at my hotel.
If you help me get out of here, you get the $500.
You know something, Mr.
Cartwright? What? I was thinking about getting you out of here the minute I came in? You'll help me then, Kathleen? (door latch sliding) I'll be back in a little while.
Ah! Dad-burnit, Joe, this ain't no good.
I know.
It ain't gettin' us no place.
Look, you go on down to the corner.
See if Hop Sing knows anything new.
If he doesn't, come on back, and the two of us'll take this place apart.
That's what we should have done in the first place.
My temper's on a short fuse, Joe.
I can just feel it.
Well, you're not alone, brother.
Hurry up.
Hop Sing, Hop Sing, you heard anything new? Very bad news.
What do you mean? #5 cousin, he see Mr.
Ben go in saloon.
No see Mr.
Ben come out.
What saloon? That one on other corner.
Hop Sing, are you right sure? Very sure.
Have more bad news.
#6 cousin, he work on dock.
He say ship shorthanded.
No can sail.
Ship now ready.
Hop Sing think maybe Mr.
Johnny, Mr.
Hamp no longer cowboys.
Is sailorman now.
Hop Sing think maybe Mr.
Ben sailorman, too.
Mr.
Hoss, where you go? I'm going over to that Wide-A-Bee Saloon.
You better wait for Little Joe.
You only one man.
Yeah, well, that ain't but one saloon, is it? Mister, I want me some information-- I want it straight and I want it quick.
Now, mister, you better get to talking.
Otherwise, I'm gonna twist your geezle pipe out.
My pa was seen coming into this saloon and he wasn't seen coming out.
Now where is he?! You two better just stand right where you are.
Otherwise, you're gonna be waking up with somebody tapping you in the face with a spade.
Now, mister I'm looking for Ben Cartwright and two of my best friends.
Here, here, what's going on in here? What is this? Mister, you're gonna find out what it is if I don't get me some information and quick.
Well, now is this any way to get it? This is a respectable establishment, son.
I'm the proprietor-- Alexander Pendleton.
Have I had the pleasure of seeing you in here before? Don't make no difference whether you have or not.
I want me some answers.
Now, son, please try to calm yourself down.
Now what is it you want? I want my pa.
His name's Ben Cartwright, and two of his ranch hands.
Then why all the shouting? I talked to Mr.
Cartwright just a short time ago.
Told him where he could find his men.
Mister, are you telling me the truth? Now why would I have any reason to lie to you? Won't you please put that thing away? I have a reputation to maintain here.
That's better.
Don't you forget, I can draw it out again right quick.
Laddie buck, I'm only trying to help you.
Do you want to hear about your father or not? I reckon I did get a little too excited.
But, dad-burnit, I've been worried plumb sick.
Well, now why don't you try to calm yourself down.
Everything's all right.
Here, why don't we come down here at the end of the bar where it's quiet, and relax.
Have a drink.
Bartender.
What'll you have? I'll have a beer if it's all the same to you, sir.
Down the hatch? Yes.
A fine piece of merchandise.
Here, matey, let me give you a hand.
Oh, well, thank you, matey.
I can't swim! Well, now this is going to be real interesting, ain't it? I got a funny feeling like you was standing out here waiting for me to fall down through that hole in the floor.
No, no, no I'm getting a stranger feeling that I ain't the only member of my family that's been down through that hole tonight.
No! Oh, no.
You seen a man with gray hair and dark eyes and a deep voice? I can't remember.
You better start remembering, buster.
'Cause I'm a cowboy, I ain't no sailor.
And I like dry land.
There's one way I can get it that I can think of and that's holding you under till you drink all the water in this bay! You starting to remember? Yeah, I do, yeah, yeah.
That's real good.
You just took the first step to establishing the basis of a friendship between me and you.
Now where's my pa? We'd better hurry.
They'll be back in a minute.
Kathleen, I'll never forget you for this.
Oh, I believe that.
(men shouting nautical commands) Here.
Here, a friend of mine.
Remember, you promised to help me find my men.
Oh, you'll find them.
(blows landing) Kathleen, what is this? Explain to them.
Well, Cut-Rate Joe, let's get down to business.
But you work for Mr.
Pendleton! I work where I make a buck.
Looks sound of wind and limb.
You know me-- high-class merchandise.
Don't do that, Mr.
Cartwright.
You're worthless if you're all battered up.
Double-crossing witch.
Well Quick-Buck Katie, how much do you want for him? $100? I offered you $500.
And then turn me into the police afterwards? Oh, I know the likes of your kind.
The price has gone up.
Oh, come now Quick-Buck, you know better than that.
This is stolen merchandise.
This is carriage trade, and you know it.
Double-crossing rats, the lot of you.
He won't be too easy to turn over.
I'll have to buy him new clothes.
The overhead is eating me up, Katie.
All right, I'll make it half price.
$75 and it's a deal.
But only because I've got to get back to the store before I'm missed.
Quick-Buck, you're a thief and you know it.
But I do need the merchandise.
Oh, quiet, Mr.
Cartwright, quiet.
You'll see your crew-- that's what you want, ain't it? See you later, Cut-Rate.
Have a pleasant trip, Mr.
Cartwright.
All right, boys, let's see what we can do with him.
Nobody come in this room but Quick-Buck Kate.
She brought Cartwright his supper.
Oh, hello, sweetie.
Don't "sweetie" me, you little double-crosser.
You sold Cartwright to Cut-Rate.
But, darlin', only because it was costing you money to keep him.
All that good food.
And especially if you couldn't sell him quick.
Now don't do that.
I wouldn't cheat you, sweetheart, now would I? I'm not so sure.
Little Katie wouldn't hold out on Shanghai Pete.
Here you are.
See? $25? Is that all you got for him? Captain Shark already turned him down.
And Cut-Rate Joe's gonna be stuck with him.
(laughing) Now, now, you're not mad at little Katie now, are you? Lucky for you, you caught me in a good mood.
Besides, I've got another Cartwright.
And is he a beauty.
(door opening) A live one, a real live one.
(blows landing) All right, bring him in, boys.
I don't see my pa.
Where is he? Now, now, wait a minute, laddie, wait a minute.
Your dad isn't here.
Where's my pa?! Now listen, Cut-Rate I'm a lover not a fighter.
Where's my pa at?! JOE: Hop Sing.
(speaking Chinese) All right, take it easy, relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Now what happened? Mr.
Hoss, he go in saloon, long time no come out.
Hop Sing go in saloon, no see Mr.
Hoss.
Something happen Mr.
Hoss, too.
What saloon? Forget it.
I know.
You take your dirty hands off me! I'll blow your head off! Hey, Joe, that ain't no way to treat a lady.
Well, you know, brother, I think you're right.
Oh! As I told you, I've seen this man before and turned him down.
Not at this price, Captain.
Only $100.
I'm letting him go at a sacrifice because I'm after your future business.
Besides, your ship sails at midnight.
Cut-Rate Joe, you know my principles.
I'm a fair man and a temperance man.
I'm not offering you a drink.
I'm offering you a sailor.
I'm not a sailor.
Sir, I do not approve of the practice of shanghaiing.
Then what are you doing with two of my men? I would not resort to it, except I find myself so often shorthanded.
Oh, what kind of an excuse is that? Sir, I have dedicated my life to stamping out the evils of drink.
It is abominable.
Any man who is so drunk that he doesn't know what's happening to him deserves to be shanghaied.
This man is perfectly sober.
I can't use him.
Well, thank you, Captain.
I can't say I agree with all of your principals, but Take a smell, Captain.
The reek of demon rum is nauseating to me.
This man is obviously drunk.
I'll take him.
All right, boys.
All right, what's your part in this? Honestly, I just happened to be walking by.
Well, you just better happen to start remembering a few more things.
Oh.
Now, laddie.
You wouldn't be harming little me, would you? (chuckling) That's such a beautiful arm.
It'd be a shame to tear it off.
No.
Oh, no.
(gasping) Start talking.
I don't know what you want to know.
We want to know about a man named Ben Cartwright.
Oh, I don't know.
I sold him.
Sold him? You sold him? Where? To Cut-Rate Joe.
Down the street in Embarcadero Alley.
You sold our pa? Yes.
How much did you get for him? Oh, Hoss, for Pete's sake, who cares how much she got for him? Let's get down to this Cut-Rate Joe's before Pa and the boys are on their way to China.
Let me get my hat.
(bell ringing) (man calling out indistinctly) (horn blowing) SAILOR: Aye, aye, sir.
Hop Sing! Little Joe, Mr.
Hoss, this Cousin #3.
He see Mr.
Ben.
They take Mr.
Ben away on ship.
(speaking Chinese) Okay.
You follow me.
Come.
All right.
(groaning softly) Don't fight it, Mr.
Cartwright.
Just ain't no use.
If Johnny hadn't wanted to buy some silk for his wife, we wouldn't be in this mess.
(sighing) Well, we've been in worse messes back at the Ponderosa.
We've always been able to get out of them.
I know it.
My heart just ain't in it.
Well, my heart is in it.
And after what I've been through, a ship and 40 sailors is beginning to look pretty small.
Captain! Captain! I demand to see your captain! Come on, now! Where's your captain? I want to see you! Sailor, in the future, if you want to see me, you come to me.
Don't send for me.
It isn't done.
Oh, it isn't, isn't it? Well, you listen to me.
Have you ever heard of mutiny? Mutiny? Why, you're worse than a pirate.
You and your high principles and your temperance.
I'll see to it that your license is revoked on every sea in the face of this earth.
Just who do you think you are? I'm Ben Cartwright of the Ponderosa.
The Ponderosa? BEN: The Ponderosa.
I know her well, Captain.
A four-masted schooner out of New Orleans.
The Ponderosa is a ranch.
A ranch? I always wanted a little chicken ranch.
There's a place up in Santa Rosa.
Now, I'm an American citizen.
I know my rights on board of every ship.
Take Mr.
Ben on that ship.
I have enough men in those mountains to sink every ship in this harbor and so help me, I'll do it.
That's our pa's voice.
Music to my ears.
Just like a bugle call saying, "Charge.
" Let's go.
You keep a civil tongue SHARK: Avast, you lubbers, we're being boarded! Hey, Pa, where you been hiding? Huh? Where you been hiding? Hang on to him, Hoss.
All the way, Hop Sing.
(Hop Sing chuckling) (bell ringing) No.
No, son.
No, son.
(chuckling) Pa, I thought I told you to stay out of trouble.
Well, it took you fellas long enough to find me.
(splashing) (laughing) Here, son.
Thanks, Pa.
Hoss? I'd a durn sight rather rather eat it, Pa.
I know.
(sighing) Pa, how much did that little redheaded gal get for you? (Little Joe laughing) I wouldn't tell him, Pa.
If she did get enough, we might want to sell you back.
If she didn't get enough, you wouldn't want to admit it, would you? Very funny.
(knocking at door) Come in.
Hi.
Hi.
Here are your clothes, Mr.
Cartwright.
Oh.
How'd you get them? We had a little business left to finish with Cut-Rate Joe.
Yes, I see that.
You know what that little weasel was doing? He's going back into business.
Secondhand clothes.
He was trying to sell our outfits.
(knocking at door) Come in.
Mr.
Johnny, have surprise for you.
#7 Cousin in silk business.
Make you present.
One bolt fine China silk for your wife.
Gee, I sure would like to have me a courting shirt made out of that.
I wouldn't do it, Hamp.
Silk can get a man in a whole lot of trouble.
Well, at least we're all together again.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks, Boss, for everything.
And tomorrow morning, bright and early, we're going to start out on a little vacation.
How 'bout it? Oh, Pa, I'd just as soon we went back to the Ponderosa.
Well, you're the one who was yelling about getting a vacation.
I know, I know.
But a vacation's time for a change, isn't it? Yes.
Well, I think I got my change.
(chuckling) Well, Pa, if it's all the same to you, there's a little den of wildcats on the Ponderosa I think I'd rather tangle with than any more of these city folks.
You mean, you want to go back to work? I reckon I do, Pa-- and that way, we can let ol' Adam have a vacation.
(Little Joe laughing) Well, all right, then.
Tomorrow morning, bright and early, we'll head back to the Ponderosa.
Hop Sing have one more big surprise.
#9 Cousin is cook in hotel dining room.
Hop Sing help fix special fine supper.
Oyster.
Champagne.
Steak.
Hey! What are we waiting for? Let's get cleaned up.
We'll get down to the dining room.
Come on.
HOP SING: Oh, no.
You stay right here.
Hop Sing bring up.
You no leave the hotel room.
You go Barbary Coast, very dangerous.
Hit, slice, kick, push, shanghai.
(laughing) (laughing) You know, I think he's got something there at that.
Hey, Pa? Sure enough, how much did that little gal get for you? You'll never know.
(laughing)
What more could we ask? Well, a few days out of the saddle.
By golly, we'll have that, too.
Listen, as a change from Hop Sing's chuck wagon, I'm throwing a little supper party tonight.
Oysters, steak, champagne, the works.
(cheering) And after that, after that, five days for all of us in San Francisco with nothing to do but have a good time.
Hot dog! Pa, that's what I've been waiting to hear you say.
What's the matter, Johnny? Mr.
Cartwright, I think you made a mistake here.
What's that? I got too much pay.
No, no, you haven't.
You and Hamp both deserve a bonus.
Now you're gonna have a good time, but remember, this is not the Ponderosa, it's San Francisco, so be careful.
Thanks, boss, but don't worry about us.
After riding trail with these boys of yours, this town is gonna seem downright tame.
Hey, thanks a lot.
Come on, Hamp.
Don't be late for supper.
Fine boys.
Well, with hands like Johnny and Hamp, we won't have any trouble running the Ponderosa.
Come on, let's get back to the hotel.
Let's have some fun.
Hamp, I'm beginning to like this San Francisco town.
You know something? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna buy that sweet wife of mine a whole bolt of Chinese silk.
Silk? Did you say silk? I said silk.
Nothing too good for that sweet wife of mine.
Gentlemen, I just happened to overhear.
Now as you see by my card, I'm a silk merchant.
And I just happen to have a brand-new shipment from the Orient.
It's the home of the silkworm.
Now if you'll follow me to my establishment Why sure, neighbor.
Yes, gentlemen, right back here-- I have my shop because it's wholesale.
Right this way, gentlemen.
I hope Shanghai Pete takes 'em off my hands.
That ship sails for Hong Kong at midnight.
Take 'em in, boys.
(theme song playing) (humming tune) That's very strange.
Johnny and Hamp should be here by now.
Don't worry about them two, Pa, they'll be here.
They ain't gonna turn down free oysters and champagne, I'll guarantee you.
JOE: He's right, Pa.
Hey, you know, I feel kind of guilty.
Huh? Why? Well, here we are having ourselves a big time while Adam's home working himself to death.
Oh? Yeah, doggone it, I do too, Pa.
Really? Well, it's too bad you boys didn't think about that before you rigged those straws you drew to see who'd come on this trip.
Hey, Pa What about Hop Sing? Is he gonna come along? Oh, I doubt that very much.
He's got a hundred relatives in town he wants to visit.
Wish old Hamp and Johnny'd hurry up and get back.
After supper, me and Little Joe sort of figured we'd go over to one of them places where they got them good-looking waiter gals.
Yeah, now you're talking, brother.
(mocking tone): "Now you're talking, brother.
" If you think I'm gonna let you and Little Joe wander around the Barbary Coast at night alone, you've got yourself another think coming.
This is San Francisco-- it's a big city and it's a wild city.
Yeah, but, Pa, you let Hamp and Johnny go.
Well, you're not Hamp and Johnny.
Haven't you ever heard of shanghaiing? Yeah, it's got something to do with sailors, doesn't it? You know, there isn't a ship in this harbor that isn't short of sailors.
You could be slugged over the head and on your way to Singapore before you ever knew what happened.
Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
Oh No, really, I hear there's a lot of good-looking women in Singapore.
In Singapore, but not on board a ship.
And how'd you like to eat nothing more than sour salt pork for more than a year? I wouldn't like that.
No, I guess not.
You boys take care of yourselves.
This is San Francisco, it isn't the Ponderosa.
(knocking) There's Hamp and Johnny now.
It's about time.
Oh, Hop Sing.
I thought you were with your relatives.
Something wrong, Hop Sing? Not know for sure.
#3 cousin-- he see two cowboys go in alley, hit on head, not come out.
Cousin come quick, tell Hop Sing.
Think maybe it's Mr.
Hamp and Mr.
Johnny.
Hamp and Johnny? Wait a minute, what makes you think it might be Hamp and Johnny? They not in hotel room.
Pa, maybe Hoss and I ought check on it.
I think we'll all check it.
They're probably just over in some saloon having themselves a good time.
Four more before midnight if you want to get paid.
That'll be all, boys.
Cowboys.
(spits) What can I do to make 'em look more like sailors? Hoss, any luck? Not a bit, Pa.
Any luck? Nothing.
Well, I'm going to the police.
Hey, listen, do you mind if Hoss and I have a look around some more? Well, I guess it doesn't take four of us to talk to a policeman.
Just a moment now.
Remember this is not the Ponderosa, so you two stay out of trouble, do you understand? Pa, you know us better than that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on.
(drunkenly humming tune) Are you the man in charge here? What can I do for you? Uh, my name is Cartwright, Ben Cartwright.
I just drove a herd of cattle across the Sierra.
Well, San Francisco can certainly use a decent beefsteak.
Sergeant, I didn't come here to discuss beefsteaks.
Two of my top hands have disappeared.
Well, it does happen.
Is this or isn't it the San Francisco police department? It's exactly that.
I just told you, two of my top hands have disappeared and I've come here for help.
I suppose you expect me to drop everything and go find them, hmm? Yes, that's exactly it.
Mr.
Cartwright, men are always disappearing in this city.
And you do nothing to try to find out what happened to them? Do you realize how many policemen it would take to keep an eye on ever shanghai hideout on the Barbary Coast? Well, Sergeant, I'm not interested in how many men it would take.
I came here for help.
Mr.
Cartwright, this is a seaport.
Ships come here from all over the world.
Ships need sailors.
Sailors, yes, but not cowboys.
You'd be surprised how many cowboys become sailors.
Now I suggest that you do as all the ship captains do when they find themselves shorthanded-- set out and find yourself a new crew.
Do-do you sit here and condone the buying and selling of human beings? I don't condone it, but I don't have enough men to do anything about it, so I accept it as an unfortunate fact.
Now please, if you'll excuse me.
All right, Sergeant, you mark my words-- I'm gonna find those two men of mine with or without your help.
All right, you go right ahead.
But I warn you-- look out.
Hey, we're getting pretty close to that waterfront, ain't we? Figure it out.
If you were going to shanghai somebody and put 'em on a ship, where would you take 'em, out on the desert? What do you keep talking about shanghaiing for, Little Joe? You know as well as I do, that Hamp and Johnny are right around here in some of these little joints.
The only thing is, these bartenders don't seem to want to give out much information, do they? That's 'cause they're all in cahoots.
Aw, quit worrying.
Come on.
Now wait a minute, wait a minute.
We're not going to get anywhere this way.
Hoss, why don't you cover that side of the street.
I'll take this side.
Hop Sing, go check with your cousins.
See if they've seen anything.
Not think it good you boys be here on Barbary Coast.
You're as bad as Pa, Hop Sing.
Now I've heard tell a man can have himself a lot of fun down here on this Barbary Coast.
Well, you know, brother, I've heard the same thing.
Get going, Hop Sing.
(piano playing) Well, howdy.
How are you? I'm looking for a couple of friends of mine.
Thought they might have come in here.
Two cowboys.
Sonny, we serve out drinks here, not information.
Yeah, well, I just thought And you look too young to drink, so, uh, why don't you get out of here.
Wait a minute, all I Thank you.
Too many questions being asked around here.
Think I better tell Mr.
Pendleton.
Oh, Mr.
Cartwright.
Yes, Mr.
Cartwright.
Where's Hoss and Little Joe? They go Barbary Coast.
What?! Not good.
On Barbary Coast, hit, slice, cut, push.
Very dangerous.
Shanghai.
If Little Joe didn't have enough sense to know that, Hoss should have.
Why didn't you tell him? I tell him.
He say look like fun.
Look like fun.
I better find those two before they get into some real trouble.
Barbary Coast.
Hop Sing go find cousin.
Joseph! Well, at least I found one of you.
Now where's your brother? Oh, he's looking for Hamp and Johnny.
Didn't I tell you two to stay together? Pa, we thought it would go faster this way.
(excited shouting) Isn't that Hoss? (crowd clamoring) MAN: Come on! Hoss, didn't I tell you to stay out of trouble? Pa, I ain't in no trouble.
This here is Busthead Brannigan.
He's a box-fight champion of the whole Barbary Coast.
Come on, Mr.
Busthead, wake up.
Hey, you mean you did this for money? Sure.
I told you it was gonna be fun down on this Barbary Coast, Little Joe.
Looky there.
More than a hundred dollars.
Makes me madder than a mischief to think about how much talent I done wasted for free.
Come on, Mr.
Busthead, wake up.
Come on.
Come on.
(moaning) Mr.
Busthead, like I told ya, I don't want your championship.
It was nice of you to offer to help us.
Come on.
Come on.
(moaning) Mr.
Busthead, I want you to meet my pa.
Busthead Brannigan, this is my pa.
No, over here.
Mr.
Busthead.
Champion! He's a real fine feller.
Well, champ, have you any conceivable idea of the seriousness of the situation we're in? Serious? Pa, you still think Johnny and Hamp are in trouble? I don't think it, I know it.
You mean shanghaied? Yes, I mean shanghaied.
Dad-burnit, let's tear this dang town apart then.
We'll do no such thing.
We're not gonna invite trouble unless it's forced on us.
And that goes for you two particularly.
Well, don't stand there making a spectacle of yourself.
Go get your clothes on.
Get your shirt on.
Mr.
Busthead, it was a real pleasure meetin' you.
You'll be a great champion.
Mr.
Hoss, Mr.
Hoss, #3 cousin, he like to talk to you.
(speaks Chinese) Ain't it something? Ol' Hop Sing's relative bein' so dang glad to meet me? Why not? He win $100 on fight! (all laugh) You ought be careful.
Huh? Cousin say everybody on Barbary Coast talk about man and two son.
Say they ask too many question.
Everybody's in cahoots.
I don't see how we're ever gonna find out anything.
Well, we won't find out anything if the three of us keep barging in like we're gonna tear the place apart.
We used to do it that way.
Well, it won't work now.
Now you two boys, you get back to the hotel and you stay there.
And don't move until you hear from me.
I'm gonna see what I can find out alone.
Hey, Pa, don't you think we ought to go along with you? No, I don't.
If I find out anything, I'll send Hop Sing for you.
Pa, you stay out of trouble, you hear? You make sure you listen to your own advice, young man.
You, too.
Come on.
(Hop speaks Chinese) Sure hope Pa knows what he's doing.
Don't you worry about Pa.
He knows what he's doing.
(raucous conversations, laughter) (piano playing lively music) You boys wait here.
Fine-looking place you have here.
Thank you.
We try to keep it up.
If it isn't too much bother, could you make me a brandy squash, please? No bother at all.
That's what I'm here for.
Thank you.
(loud conversation, laughter) There you are.
Thank you.
Now there's a surprise! What's the matter? Something wrong? Wrong? Why, this is the finest brandy squash I've ever tasted in my life.
And I've tasted them all the way from New York to Chicago to New Orleans.
Well, I'm glad you like it.
It's an art, bartending.
It's an art.
Not many men have the talent for it.
Tell me, did you ever work in New Orleans? No, can't say as I have.
Ah, too bad.
A man with your talent could demand any wage he asked for.
Yes, sir.
Fine profession, bartending.
And you meet a mighty lot of interesting people.
(chuckles) All kinds.
No doubt about it.
Yes, I can imagine.
I, uh, wager that with drinks like this, practically everybody in town drops in here one time or another.
Well, we, we get our share.
I have two friends in town I just gotta bring in here and show 'em what a good drink really tastes like.
Say, I wonder if they've been in here already.
Well, I got a pretty good memory for faces.
A couple of cowboys.
They work up on a ranch in the Sierras.
Drove a herd of cattle into town.
Uh, let's, let's see now.
You say, um--- I want to get this straight-- you say that there were two of them? That's right.
Those two are inseparable.
Two of the best hands I ever had.
Well, hello.
My name is Alexander Pendleton.
I'm the proprietor of this establishment.
I don't believe I've had the pleasure of seeing you in here before.
No, no, I think not.
My name is Ben Cartwright.
I've just been complimenting your bartender on the excellence of his drinks.
Well, that's very kind of you.
Uh, why don't we go down to the end of the bar? It'll be quieter, more comfortable.
All right.
Over in the corner's better.
Thanks.
You say your, your name is Pendleton? Yes, Alexander Pendleton.
Would you care for another drink? Well, thank you.
Bartender? Yes, sir? A real squash this time.
(chuckles) For the road.
(both laugh) Boss, are you sure you know what you're doing? Haven't you had enough trouble with those two cowboys you bought from Cut-Rate Joe? That's their boss you just dropped through the floor! I need three more men to fill out Captain Shark's crew.
And I don't prefer to buy them from Cut-Rate Joe.
Oh, boss And if you're thinking of asking for a raise, don't! The man was lying to you.
You make the worst drinks in town.
Hoss, I'm getting worried.
They've been gone over an hour.
Yeah.
I'll tell you one thing, Little Joe.
If we don't hear from Hop Sing or Pa within the next 15 minutes, I'm just about ready to go down there and tear this dang Barbary Coast apart board for board.
(knocking) Where's Pa? Not sure.
What do you mean you're not sure? Where'd you leave him? Mr.
Cartwright tell Hop Sing wait.
Hop Sing wait long time.
Mr.
Cartwright no come back.
Hop Sing worry.
Come see you boys.
Hop Sing, you shouldn't ought to done that.
Pa comes out of there, and you ain't there, what's he gonna do? #5 cousin wait.
Little Joe, you don't reckon anything's wrong with Pa? Pa? Don't worry.
He can take care of himself.
(breathing heavily) Boss! Mr.
Cartwright.
Hamp, Johnny, you boys all right? Yeah, all right.
How did they get you in here? You'd never believe it.
After me telling the boys to stay out of trouble.
I know what you mean.
If Johnny hadn't wanted to buy that silk for his wife, we, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Well, never mind about that now, Hamp.
The point is how, how can we get out of this mess? There's nothing we can do.
You raise a fuss, they come in and beat you over the head.
(door opens) I've got some fine sailors for you, Captain.
Excellent, excellent.
That sounds like that Mr.
Pendleton.
Well, you promised me six.
There are only three.
You got to give me time.
I need those men! My ship sails at midnight.
Mr.
Pendleton! Excuse me.
I want to make a deal with you! A deal, Mr.
Cartwright? I don't know what you expect to get for us, but whatever it is, I'll pay you twice that amount if you let us out of here.
Twice? Fair enough? Oh, no, you don't.
A contract is a contract.
You agreed to give me six men.
So I did.
An interesting offer, Mr.
Cartwright, but due to circumstances beyond my control Three times the going price! A contract is a contract if you want my business in the future.
As you say, a contract is a contract.
Good.
The one who's talking, he isn't drunk.
Perhaps he just holds his liquor well.
You know my principles! Don't want him, huh? The two sailors, yes, the sober one, no.
Unless you get me four more men within the hour, I'll take my business to Cut-Rate Joe.
All right, boys, come get them.
Mr.
Cartwright, I feel pretty lowdown about all this.
Well, John, it's, it's my fault for not keeping us all together.
(door opens) All right, come on.
Let's go.
Why you! Don't do it, Mr.
Cartwright! You'll just be getting a beating for nothing.
Believe me, it's best.
All right, come on! Boys, we'll, we'll get out of this somehow.
My boys are bound to be looking for me now.
PENDLETON: No, no, no, not that one.
The captain turned him down cold.
Come on.
Let's go! (raucous conversations) Have any luck? Not a dad-burned bit.
Hoss, I'm getting worried.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm getting just about ready to tear this dad-blamed town apart.
Come on, Little Joe.
I, uh, I brought you something to eat.
Well, I'm not hungry.
Well, you better be.
You know, Shanghai Pete is pretty mad about not being able to sell you.
Shanghai Pete? Is that what that Mr.
Pendleton calls himself? Well, you got it wrong end to Shanghai Pete sometimes calls himself "Mr.
Pendleton.
" Ah, Mr.
Pendleton.
You better eat this.
Well, it's all right.
It ain't got no, no knockout drops in it.
You're real quality, ain't you? What? Oh, what I mean is we don't get your kind in here often.
Mostly drunks-- sailors and farmers and cowboys like them other two.
Well, I'll have you know that them other two are two of the finest men I've ever known.
Just because they happened to go out on a little celebration.
It wasn't a little one.
It was a real good one.
(chuckles) I don't know why men have to act up so.
It just gets 'em in trouble.
I wish someday I'd find just one man who wasn't always wanting to get into trouble.
Oh, well.
Uh, uh, wait a minute.
Um, don't go.
Why not? Sit down.
What's your name? Kathleen.
Kathleen.
Well, that's a that's a right pretty name.
I think so.
Your name is Ben Cartwright, ain't it? Kathleen, tell me, what what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Ain't that funny.
So many men have asked me the same question.
And I've given it a lot of thought.
And I think the reason is, I like the money.
Well, you're certainly an honest sort.
You think so, really? Oh, yeah.
Why are you surprised? I don't know, sometimes, you know, you can't just trust everybody.
Well, Kathleen, I trust you.
Oh, I was sort of hoping you would.
Kathleen, now tell me-- if this Shanghai Pete, or Mr.
Pendleton, or whatever his name is, if he sells me, do you get anything out of it? No, I don't, not a penny.
Well, wouldn't you like to? Oh, yes, I would.
I've been asking to be put on commission.
Kathleen, if you help me out of here Mercy no.
I have the money.
Well, I don't see how you could.
The men who brought you in here picked your pocket first.
I mean, I don't have it with me.
But I own a ranch.
I can get all the money I want without any trouble.
Oh How much? If you help me get out of here and tell me where I can find the other two men-- $500.
$500?! $500.
You wouldn't back out? Oh, I give you my word.
The money's at my hotel.
If you help me get out of here, you get the $500.
You know something, Mr.
Cartwright? What? I was thinking about getting you out of here the minute I came in? You'll help me then, Kathleen? (door latch sliding) I'll be back in a little while.
Ah! Dad-burnit, Joe, this ain't no good.
I know.
It ain't gettin' us no place.
Look, you go on down to the corner.
See if Hop Sing knows anything new.
If he doesn't, come on back, and the two of us'll take this place apart.
That's what we should have done in the first place.
My temper's on a short fuse, Joe.
I can just feel it.
Well, you're not alone, brother.
Hurry up.
Hop Sing, Hop Sing, you heard anything new? Very bad news.
What do you mean? #5 cousin, he see Mr.
Ben go in saloon.
No see Mr.
Ben come out.
What saloon? That one on other corner.
Hop Sing, are you right sure? Very sure.
Have more bad news.
#6 cousin, he work on dock.
He say ship shorthanded.
No can sail.
Ship now ready.
Hop Sing think maybe Mr.
Johnny, Mr.
Hamp no longer cowboys.
Is sailorman now.
Hop Sing think maybe Mr.
Ben sailorman, too.
Mr.
Hoss, where you go? I'm going over to that Wide-A-Bee Saloon.
You better wait for Little Joe.
You only one man.
Yeah, well, that ain't but one saloon, is it? Mister, I want me some information-- I want it straight and I want it quick.
Now, mister, you better get to talking.
Otherwise, I'm gonna twist your geezle pipe out.
My pa was seen coming into this saloon and he wasn't seen coming out.
Now where is he?! You two better just stand right where you are.
Otherwise, you're gonna be waking up with somebody tapping you in the face with a spade.
Now, mister I'm looking for Ben Cartwright and two of my best friends.
Here, here, what's going on in here? What is this? Mister, you're gonna find out what it is if I don't get me some information and quick.
Well, now is this any way to get it? This is a respectable establishment, son.
I'm the proprietor-- Alexander Pendleton.
Have I had the pleasure of seeing you in here before? Don't make no difference whether you have or not.
I want me some answers.
Now, son, please try to calm yourself down.
Now what is it you want? I want my pa.
His name's Ben Cartwright, and two of his ranch hands.
Then why all the shouting? I talked to Mr.
Cartwright just a short time ago.
Told him where he could find his men.
Mister, are you telling me the truth? Now why would I have any reason to lie to you? Won't you please put that thing away? I have a reputation to maintain here.
That's better.
Don't you forget, I can draw it out again right quick.
Laddie buck, I'm only trying to help you.
Do you want to hear about your father or not? I reckon I did get a little too excited.
But, dad-burnit, I've been worried plumb sick.
Well, now why don't you try to calm yourself down.
Everything's all right.
Here, why don't we come down here at the end of the bar where it's quiet, and relax.
Have a drink.
Bartender.
What'll you have? I'll have a beer if it's all the same to you, sir.
Down the hatch? Yes.
A fine piece of merchandise.
Here, matey, let me give you a hand.
Oh, well, thank you, matey.
I can't swim! Well, now this is going to be real interesting, ain't it? I got a funny feeling like you was standing out here waiting for me to fall down through that hole in the floor.
No, no, no I'm getting a stranger feeling that I ain't the only member of my family that's been down through that hole tonight.
No! Oh, no.
You seen a man with gray hair and dark eyes and a deep voice? I can't remember.
You better start remembering, buster.
'Cause I'm a cowboy, I ain't no sailor.
And I like dry land.
There's one way I can get it that I can think of and that's holding you under till you drink all the water in this bay! You starting to remember? Yeah, I do, yeah, yeah.
That's real good.
You just took the first step to establishing the basis of a friendship between me and you.
Now where's my pa? We'd better hurry.
They'll be back in a minute.
Kathleen, I'll never forget you for this.
Oh, I believe that.
(men shouting nautical commands) Here.
Here, a friend of mine.
Remember, you promised to help me find my men.
Oh, you'll find them.
(blows landing) Kathleen, what is this? Explain to them.
Well, Cut-Rate Joe, let's get down to business.
But you work for Mr.
Pendleton! I work where I make a buck.
Looks sound of wind and limb.
You know me-- high-class merchandise.
Don't do that, Mr.
Cartwright.
You're worthless if you're all battered up.
Double-crossing witch.
Well Quick-Buck Katie, how much do you want for him? $100? I offered you $500.
And then turn me into the police afterwards? Oh, I know the likes of your kind.
The price has gone up.
Oh, come now Quick-Buck, you know better than that.
This is stolen merchandise.
This is carriage trade, and you know it.
Double-crossing rats, the lot of you.
He won't be too easy to turn over.
I'll have to buy him new clothes.
The overhead is eating me up, Katie.
All right, I'll make it half price.
$75 and it's a deal.
But only because I've got to get back to the store before I'm missed.
Quick-Buck, you're a thief and you know it.
But I do need the merchandise.
Oh, quiet, Mr.
Cartwright, quiet.
You'll see your crew-- that's what you want, ain't it? See you later, Cut-Rate.
Have a pleasant trip, Mr.
Cartwright.
All right, boys, let's see what we can do with him.
Nobody come in this room but Quick-Buck Kate.
She brought Cartwright his supper.
Oh, hello, sweetie.
Don't "sweetie" me, you little double-crosser.
You sold Cartwright to Cut-Rate.
But, darlin', only because it was costing you money to keep him.
All that good food.
And especially if you couldn't sell him quick.
Now don't do that.
I wouldn't cheat you, sweetheart, now would I? I'm not so sure.
Little Katie wouldn't hold out on Shanghai Pete.
Here you are.
See? $25? Is that all you got for him? Captain Shark already turned him down.
And Cut-Rate Joe's gonna be stuck with him.
(laughing) Now, now, you're not mad at little Katie now, are you? Lucky for you, you caught me in a good mood.
Besides, I've got another Cartwright.
And is he a beauty.
(door opening) A live one, a real live one.
(blows landing) All right, bring him in, boys.
I don't see my pa.
Where is he? Now, now, wait a minute, laddie, wait a minute.
Your dad isn't here.
Where's my pa?! Now listen, Cut-Rate I'm a lover not a fighter.
Where's my pa at?! JOE: Hop Sing.
(speaking Chinese) All right, take it easy, relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Now what happened? Mr.
Hoss, he go in saloon, long time no come out.
Hop Sing go in saloon, no see Mr.
Hoss.
Something happen Mr.
Hoss, too.
What saloon? Forget it.
I know.
You take your dirty hands off me! I'll blow your head off! Hey, Joe, that ain't no way to treat a lady.
Well, you know, brother, I think you're right.
Oh! As I told you, I've seen this man before and turned him down.
Not at this price, Captain.
Only $100.
I'm letting him go at a sacrifice because I'm after your future business.
Besides, your ship sails at midnight.
Cut-Rate Joe, you know my principles.
I'm a fair man and a temperance man.
I'm not offering you a drink.
I'm offering you a sailor.
I'm not a sailor.
Sir, I do not approve of the practice of shanghaiing.
Then what are you doing with two of my men? I would not resort to it, except I find myself so often shorthanded.
Oh, what kind of an excuse is that? Sir, I have dedicated my life to stamping out the evils of drink.
It is abominable.
Any man who is so drunk that he doesn't know what's happening to him deserves to be shanghaied.
This man is perfectly sober.
I can't use him.
Well, thank you, Captain.
I can't say I agree with all of your principals, but Take a smell, Captain.
The reek of demon rum is nauseating to me.
This man is obviously drunk.
I'll take him.
All right, boys.
All right, what's your part in this? Honestly, I just happened to be walking by.
Well, you just better happen to start remembering a few more things.
Oh.
Now, laddie.
You wouldn't be harming little me, would you? (chuckling) That's such a beautiful arm.
It'd be a shame to tear it off.
No.
Oh, no.
(gasping) Start talking.
I don't know what you want to know.
We want to know about a man named Ben Cartwright.
Oh, I don't know.
I sold him.
Sold him? You sold him? Where? To Cut-Rate Joe.
Down the street in Embarcadero Alley.
You sold our pa? Yes.
How much did you get for him? Oh, Hoss, for Pete's sake, who cares how much she got for him? Let's get down to this Cut-Rate Joe's before Pa and the boys are on their way to China.
Let me get my hat.
(bell ringing) (man calling out indistinctly) (horn blowing) SAILOR: Aye, aye, sir.
Hop Sing! Little Joe, Mr.
Hoss, this Cousin #3.
He see Mr.
Ben.
They take Mr.
Ben away on ship.
(speaking Chinese) Okay.
You follow me.
Come.
All right.
(groaning softly) Don't fight it, Mr.
Cartwright.
Just ain't no use.
If Johnny hadn't wanted to buy some silk for his wife, we wouldn't be in this mess.
(sighing) Well, we've been in worse messes back at the Ponderosa.
We've always been able to get out of them.
I know it.
My heart just ain't in it.
Well, my heart is in it.
And after what I've been through, a ship and 40 sailors is beginning to look pretty small.
Captain! Captain! I demand to see your captain! Come on, now! Where's your captain? I want to see you! Sailor, in the future, if you want to see me, you come to me.
Don't send for me.
It isn't done.
Oh, it isn't, isn't it? Well, you listen to me.
Have you ever heard of mutiny? Mutiny? Why, you're worse than a pirate.
You and your high principles and your temperance.
I'll see to it that your license is revoked on every sea in the face of this earth.
Just who do you think you are? I'm Ben Cartwright of the Ponderosa.
The Ponderosa? BEN: The Ponderosa.
I know her well, Captain.
A four-masted schooner out of New Orleans.
The Ponderosa is a ranch.
A ranch? I always wanted a little chicken ranch.
There's a place up in Santa Rosa.
Now, I'm an American citizen.
I know my rights on board of every ship.
Take Mr.
Ben on that ship.
I have enough men in those mountains to sink every ship in this harbor and so help me, I'll do it.
That's our pa's voice.
Music to my ears.
Just like a bugle call saying, "Charge.
" Let's go.
You keep a civil tongue SHARK: Avast, you lubbers, we're being boarded! Hey, Pa, where you been hiding? Huh? Where you been hiding? Hang on to him, Hoss.
All the way, Hop Sing.
(Hop Sing chuckling) (bell ringing) No.
No, son.
No, son.
(chuckling) Pa, I thought I told you to stay out of trouble.
Well, it took you fellas long enough to find me.
(splashing) (laughing) Here, son.
Thanks, Pa.
Hoss? I'd a durn sight rather rather eat it, Pa.
I know.
(sighing) Pa, how much did that little redheaded gal get for you? (Little Joe laughing) I wouldn't tell him, Pa.
If she did get enough, we might want to sell you back.
If she didn't get enough, you wouldn't want to admit it, would you? Very funny.
(knocking at door) Come in.
Hi.
Hi.
Here are your clothes, Mr.
Cartwright.
Oh.
How'd you get them? We had a little business left to finish with Cut-Rate Joe.
Yes, I see that.
You know what that little weasel was doing? He's going back into business.
Secondhand clothes.
He was trying to sell our outfits.
(knocking at door) Come in.
Mr.
Johnny, have surprise for you.
#7 Cousin in silk business.
Make you present.
One bolt fine China silk for your wife.
Gee, I sure would like to have me a courting shirt made out of that.
I wouldn't do it, Hamp.
Silk can get a man in a whole lot of trouble.
Well, at least we're all together again.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks, Boss, for everything.
And tomorrow morning, bright and early, we're going to start out on a little vacation.
How 'bout it? Oh, Pa, I'd just as soon we went back to the Ponderosa.
Well, you're the one who was yelling about getting a vacation.
I know, I know.
But a vacation's time for a change, isn't it? Yes.
Well, I think I got my change.
(chuckling) Well, Pa, if it's all the same to you, there's a little den of wildcats on the Ponderosa I think I'd rather tangle with than any more of these city folks.
You mean, you want to go back to work? I reckon I do, Pa-- and that way, we can let ol' Adam have a vacation.
(Little Joe laughing) Well, all right, then.
Tomorrow morning, bright and early, we'll head back to the Ponderosa.
Hop Sing have one more big surprise.
#9 Cousin is cook in hotel dining room.
Hop Sing help fix special fine supper.
Oyster.
Champagne.
Steak.
Hey! What are we waiting for? Let's get cleaned up.
We'll get down to the dining room.
Come on.
HOP SING: Oh, no.
You stay right here.
Hop Sing bring up.
You no leave the hotel room.
You go Barbary Coast, very dangerous.
Hit, slice, kick, push, shanghai.
(laughing) (laughing) You know, I think he's got something there at that.
Hey, Pa? Sure enough, how much did that little gal get for you? You'll never know.
(laughing)