Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e28 Episode Script

# Daring duck of mystery Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes But his number's up # Darkwing Duck When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing, Darkwing Duck # Cloud of smoke and he appears # Master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind that shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure But bad guys are out of luck # 'Cause here comes - # Darkwing Duck - # Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out, you bad boys # Darkwing Duck # [Darkwing.]
It was another dark and stormy night.
The city of St.
Canard was blanketed in the kind of foul, frigid weather that makes your teeth chatter.
- Or anyone else's, for that matter.
- Brr! [chattering.]
But does that stop Darkwing Duck from doing his duty? You bet it does.
Oh, I hate snow.
I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Although, I do look positively stunning in fake fur.
This is ridiculous.
We've been foraging for felonies all night long.
And why? Uh, because there's nothing good on television? Even a cold-blooded crook couldn't commit a crime in weather like this.
That does it.
We're going on vacation.
Some place warm, some place sunny.
Some place where the only snow you see is in a cone.
A real vacation? Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! - And when do we leave? - Immediately, pronto, on the double.
[siren wailing.]
Right after we solve this case.
I don't understand it, officers.
I was standing guard all night.
And I assure you, there's no way anyone could've gotten into that vault.
Let's go.
The sooner we solve this simple little bank burglary, the sooner we can head for some holiday hot spot.
Amazing.
Not a single fingerprint.
Hmm.
That could make things a tad harder.
Aw, sounds like our vacation just went kaput.
Nonsense.
We are going on vacation because we are going to solve this crime so fast crooks will think they never even committed it.
[Darkwing.]
I can't believe this.
Twenty-three days on a measly little robbery case and not a single solitary lead.
Well, now I'm ready for those larcenous law-breakers.
How do you know the thieves are gonna rob this bank? Because I am a crack criminologist and master of mystery and doctor of deduction! And besides, this is the only bank that hasn't been robbed.
Now all we have to do is wait.
And by this time tomorrow we'll be toasting our tail feathers at one of these tropical tourist traps.
Oh! Club Web! Cha-cha-cha.
We can disco till dawn.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but not this duck.
I think I'll just snooze on an ocean cruise.
Ah! I can almost hear the sound of sizzling sunscreen now.
[sizzling.]
[buzzing.]
Come on! Boy, this place has got a real bug problem.
Ready, aim, fire! Uh, DW, I think you ought to see this.
Not now.
Can't you see I'm busy daydreaming? But but but Enough with the motorboat impression, please.
I said not now.
Phew! Just thinking about a tropical vacation makes me warm.
Hey, hey, hey! What's going on here? What kind of bugs are these anyway? Fire bugs? Yow! Hey! Knock that off.
Get outta here! Go on! Scat! Beat it! I said Uh-oh.
[yelping.]
Hot! Hot! Hot! Non-cold! Warm! [both.]
Ah! Ah! [grunting.]
[Darkwing.]
So that's the scheme.
Melted gold! Come on, Launchpad.
Let's bust those burglarizing bugs.
Jackhammer! Never leave home without it.
Gee, DW, are you sure that's such a good idea? Ha! It's not just good it's quick! We've got to follow this trail of melted gold before those fire bugs get away.
Uh-oh! [grunting.]
[high-pitched mumbling.]
[high-pitched bugling.]
Charge! We're getting closer.
I hear the buzz of those burglarizing bugs already.
Hear 'em? I see 'em! Hold it! Prepare to be squished! Hey, knock that off! Get off of there! Yow! Oh! Uh! Oh, yeah, pain! [straining.]
Let me get out of Uh! I've had it up to my beak with those irksome insects.
Come on, Launchpad.
Let's find that gold and get out of here.
Boy, DW.
I don't know if I can go much farther.
My feathers are starting to get frostbite.
Just think warm thoughts.
Visualize the vacation we'll soon be on.
Ah! The warm sea breeze.
The sizzling sand beaches.
- The savoringly sunny - Snowball! - [rumbling.]
- Warm thoughts, Launchpad.
You're going to have to think warm [both.]
Ah! [yelling.]
Ah! [panting.]
[panting.]
Whoa! Ah! Ah! Terrific.
A dead end.
A-ha! Once again, Darkwing Duck discovers a way to save the day.
Now observate.
Alley-oop! Let's see if we can find a shortcut out.
Gee, DW, are you sure that's such a good idea? It's not just good, it's warm.
Gee, DW, I can't seem to find this place on the map anywhere.
Who cares? At least we're not freezing our beaks off.
- Ah! - [female humming.]
[sighs, giggles.]
Nothing like a boiling bubble bath to warm the body.
[humming.]
And now to dry off.
[clears throat.]
Excuse us.
- [yelps.]
- I Sorry to intrude.
But we'd like to ask you a few questions.
Ooh! You can ask me anything you want, you handsome hunk of a duck.
But first, excuse me while I change.
It's just so chilly down here.
There.
Now that's better.
Um, allow me to introduce ourselves.
I am Darkwing Duck and this is my trusty sidekick Launchpad McQuack.
How nice.
I'm Isis Vanderchill, but you can call me Icy.
Oh, good.
Well, yes, Miss Chill.
You didn't happen to see a swarm of insidious insects fly this way, did you? Hmm.
Let me see.
- Were they dishonest little creatures? - Yes, yes! - With tiny red bottoms that glow? - Yes, yes! - Which way did they go? - I don't know.
Never saw 'em.
I detest bugs.
But ducks? Ducks are another story.
Oh, especially when the duck is as gorgeous as you.
How about a kiss? Maybe some other time.
Better still, make that another lifetime.
Oh, well, gotta go.
Trying to play hard to get? Ha! It's going to take more than a furnace of flames to turn this crime fighter into a crispy critter.
Just stick close and I'll get us out of here with no problem.
Oh, thanks, Launchpad.
Now quick, this way! A-ha! We made it! We're clear.
Nothing can stop us You sure know how to give a girl the runaround, cutie.
Now, how's about a great big hug? Hey! Just cool it, lady! Uh, I think you might wanna rephrase that, DW.
Look, first you fry me, then you freeze me.
What do you think I am, leftovers? Oh, poor me.
I can never do anything right.
[sobbing.]
Why do the weird ones always fall for me? Uh, maybe it's the mask.
You know, it's not easy being me.
I, Isis Vanderchill, was once known as the Ice Queen of St.
Canard How chilling.
Your Highness, some other time.
Right now we're in a hurry [clears throat.]
As I was saying, I own the Vanderchill Ice Factory right above us.
I was young and vain.
And I didn't want my pretty face to age, so I underwent an experiment to freeze my face.
[sighs.]
Cool.
But alas, it backfired and I accidentally froze my blood instead.
Ew! Now I can never seem to keep warm.
Oh.
And I'm forced to hide my beauty in this underground oven.
Look, Miss Chill, I don't like the cold any better than you do, but Care for a broiled briquette? I've been thinking, hon, maybe I can help you find those bugs you were looking for.
After all, I know every nook and cranny in this cavern.
So, what do you say, sweets? Are we a team? Well, I do wanna solve this case ASAP, right, LP? I don't know, DW.
Something about her gives me the chills.
Fabulous! Then it's a date.
Date?! But what about finding those felonious fire bugs? Oh, let's not rush into things, hon.
First we have to get to know one another.
Going up? Hey, wait for me! [shivering.]
Your gazpacho, sir.
[giggles.]
Oh, Darkwing, my darling little icicle.
- This is so romantic.
- Yeah, right.
Now about those fugitive fire bugs.
[stammering.]
Gimme Did anyone ever tell you that you have the cutest little beak? Forget my beak! I wanna talk bugs.
Later, hon.
The night's still young.
Ah! [giggling.]
Come on.
Be a good little elevator and let me in, please? Wait, I know! I'll take the stairs.
Whoa! On second thought, maybe one of these buttons will open the elevator.
[yelping.]
Hot! Hot! Hot! [sighs.]
Dinner and a movie.
What more could you ask for? [shivering.]
Finding those fire bugs before I freeze to death would be nice.
Gee, it is a bit chilly, isn't it? [both.]
You might say that, Ooh, yow! Ooh, boy! Oh, boy! Hot! I must be in Miss Vanderchill's ice factory.
Like I always say, where there's a freezer, there's bound to be a microwavable snack.
Rats! Nothing but a fridge full of gold.
Gold?! - Oh, I can't wait to tell DW.
- [buzzing.]
Uh-oh.
I don't like the sound of that.
[growling.]
Is this intimate little boiler room warm enough for you, hon? Warm enough? If I were any warmer you could serve me à la carte.
You just need to relax.
Here.
Try a nice refreshing cup of steam.
[shouting.]
- [muttering.]
- Huh? What are you doing here? [squeaking.]
OK, OK.
Now shoo.
Oh, I'm so glad you're back, hon.
But don't just lie there, we gotta find those nasty little fire bugs.
[sighs.]
Isn't this nice? We're all together at last.
Too bad your friend had to spoil everything by discovering my frozen assets.
I suppose now you're going to tell us all about your sinister scheme.
Reveal my plan? What do you think this is, a cheap cartoon? Once you chill out, you'll see that my crime is a necessary evil.
No evil is necessary, you defacing double-crosser.
Whoo! You're even cuter when you're angry.
[sighs.]
It almost melts my heart.
Is there an ice pick in the house? [Launchpad.]
Gee, DW, it looks like you're gonna have to do some fast thinking to save us this time.
Thinking too fast is what got us into this trouble.
And all because I was in a hurry to go on vacation.
No, no, no.
This time we don't rush.
Remember, patience is a virtue.
[getting ready to sneeze.]
Achoo! And sometimes a good sneeze can be an even bigger virtue.
Way to go, DW.
But we better hurry if we're gonna catch Oh! Uh-uh-uh! Patience, patience.
First, we turn off the snowblower and then we make sure we're properly attired.
The prudent protagonist always prepares for cold weather.
Now, Launchpad, let's get smoldering? I don't get it.
It should be snowing out, not sizzling.
Looks like we're not the only ones caught by surprise.
Hey, maybe this a good time to start working on my tan.
Tan? Get real, Launchpad.
This heat wave is gonna cook St.
Canard to a crisp.
[lsis.]
Now be careful.
Don't spill.
First, we pour in the melted gold.
Then we spray on my patent pending reflecto coat.
And once the city is covered in gold, it'll reflect enough heat to keep me warm all year long.
Of course, the heat will make the city unlivable for anyone else.
But hey, that's the breaks.
[Darkwing.]
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
I am the number 90 sunblock that will stop your burn.
I am warm beyond belief.
Oh, my cute little quacker.
I see you've thawed.
How clever of you.
Well, you're just in time to watch me gold plate St.
Canard.
Not so fast, Icy.
I hate it when that happens.
OK, Miss Chill.
Freeze! Oh, I've been doing that too long.
Now it's time to heat things up.
Over my dead body, sister! I can't believe I said that.
OK, maybe we should discuss this, huh? Oh, pookie, I knew you'd warm up to me.
Come on, let's kiss and make up.
No way.
Keep away from me, you frosty flake.
Ha! Suit yourself.
Keep an eye on him, boys.
I'll finish the gold plating job.
Yikes! Come on, Launchpad.
It's time to beat the heat.
Whoa, you did it again, DW.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the old fire bugs in an ice cube trick.
Gets 'em every time.
[sighs.]
Too bad about Darkwing Duck.
We could've made such a cool couple.
Oh, no! Oh, no! Don't tell me I'm out of gold! You're not just out of gold, you're out of luck.
- Ready when you are, DW.
- No, not my snow blower! No! You'll ruin everything! Whoa! Hey, hey, stop! That's slippery! Strike! - What the? - Gotcha! Oh, yeah? Eat ice, baby.
Not a bad idea, I say.
There, a perfect fit.
[gasps.]
Hey, hey, come back here! Yah! Finished? Or would you care to sample a real snowstorm? No, thanks.
I've had enough of your blizzard breath.
Whoa! Oh, no! I'm freezing! Freezing! Freez Well, all the gold is back in the banks and we've cooled off St.
Canard.
So where do you wanna spend our vacation, DW? Vacation? Ha! With this cold the only place I'm going is to bed.
[sneezes.]
[shouting.]
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck