Kiff (2021) s01e28 Episode Script

1
[opening theme music playing]
Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff,
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff,
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff ♪
Kiff! ♪
[giggles]
[both laugh]
[Secretary Prince] Brought
to you by Bode's Boat Wax.
Make those babies shine, baby.
[students murmuring]
I bet it's a schoolwide pop quiz.
No, no. Principal Secretary's
probably gonna get awarded
a plaque for Best Principal.
Ah, good for Principal Secretary.
[Secretary Prince] Settle down, everyone!
Please welcome your principal,
Principal Helen.
Wel, wel, wel, wel come.
[all gasp]
Where's Principal Secretary?
Our beloved Principal Secretary
is on an educator's cruise,
and he'll be gone for a week.
And he left you in charge?
[chortles]
I call balderdash!
- I also call balderdash!
- [all gasp]
[snaps fingers]
Hello. My name is Helen,
and I'm auditioning for the--
Wait, not that one! The other one!
- From Principal Secretary.
- Uh, hi.
[choppy] You give the
principal to Helen please.
[tape clicks off]
Well, that is how P.S. talks, so
I feel honored to have been
trusted with this position.
Now let's talk. Let's jam.
She's sitting in her seat backwards
like us young people do.
I think we all know Principal Secretary
needed this vacation.
He works so hard for everyone.
That is why we must all
step up. Thank you!
Let's go, Fighting Tables!
[cheering]
Nope.
You know what? Get rid of the book.
I don't care. We don't need it.
Get rid of it!
Math is all around us.
We learn to learn from life.
- [peppy music playing]
- [kid 1] Yahoo!
We love Principal Helen!
- [kid 2] She understands us!
- [kid 3] Whoo! Principal Helen!
- She's a hero!
- [kid 4] I'm relating to an adult!
[kids cheering]
[Helen] Superintendent,
these kids need hope.
Now send me those funds
for the Kid's Cookout,
or I walk!
[sneaky music plays]
Hey! What are you doing
over there, Principal Helen?
It's a signup sheet for Helen's Helpers.
If I get in over my head,
I might call on some students to step up.
- [Barry] Oh, we love that.
- [Kiff] That sounds perfect.
- So what kind of things--
- [Helen on P.A.] Kiff and Barry,
please report to Principal Helen.
Oh, my little helpers.
What do you need help, uh Okay.
I just wanted to see
if this intercom was working.
- [intercom squeals]
- I-It is.
[over P.A.] I think I think
I've got the hang of it.
[Barry] You sure you don't need any help?
Maybe with cleaning up?
[Kiff] A cluttered office
makes for a cluttered mind.
That's what P.S. says.
Oh, you're right. It is a little messy.
How did that happen?
Oh, don't worry. I love organizing stuff.
How do you want us to do it,
alphabetically? By size? Color?
You know, Kiff, as an educator,
I know I'm supposed to be
the one teaching you.
But I see now that it's you
who are teaching me.
[gasps] Helen, you're an inspiration.
The least we can do is clean up.
We pledge ourselves to your cause.
[peppy music playing]
Oh, Helper 1 and Helper 2 are here.
Have you finished all the tasks?
Yes, ma'am. Well, this has been great,
but I guess we should get back to class.
Wait, wait, wait. Before you go,
just one more thing.
Let's run lines together.
Lines? Helen, I don't think--
Um, Kiff, it's actually
an important exercise
for me to be the best principal
I can be for the school.
Kiff, you don't hate
[over P.A.] Table Town School, do you?
[Kiff] What? Me? I love it.
Let's run those lines.
"Wow, Principal Boomswaithe.
You are amazing."
"I feel honored to have been
trusted with this position."
Get the chair. "Now let's talk. Let's jam.
"As an educator, I know I'm supposed to be
the one teaching you,
but I see now that it's you
who are teaching me."
Wait, this sounds familiar.
"I love all my students
here at Chilly High."
- Chilly High?
- Who said anything about Chilly High?
Paranoid.
I have an appointment now. Bye.
[suspicious notes play]
Roy Fox, my name is Helen,
and I'm here to audition
for Hot Principal.
We're not holding auditions.
We're going with an A-list celeb
for the lead role.
Movies need to make money, honey.
Oh. So what you're saying is
if I bring in the big bucks myself,
I will be cast as Hot Principal?
Where can I get a lot of money fast?
Security.
Helen was acting strange today, right?
Yeah. Suspicious.
Well, it probably
doesn't have anything to do
with this receipt I found in her trash.
Wait a minute. This is the receipt
for the principal's cruise.
Why would Helen have that?
"Hot Principal."
Hello. My name is Helen,
and I'm auditioning
for the role of Hot Principal.
- What's happening?
- As an actor,
I go deep in the role.
In fact, I am currently the principal
of Table Town School,
a position I ascended to
solely for the reason
of going full method.
What? Helen isn't stepping up.
She's stepping out on the red carpet.
She tricked us!
Just gotta figure out how to avoid
doing any real work as principal.
I'll just get a couple suckers to help--
Oh, Kiff and Barry.
Aw, Helen, that scallywag.
Barry, why aren't you freaking out?
Because Principal Secretary
will be back soon.
Really, how much damage
can Helen do in a week?
[Barry groans]
We need P.S. back.
[ship horn blows]
- Thanks, gumdrops.
- No problem.
Our boats were so beautifully waxed,
we got here in record time, yeah.
[calypso music playing]
Now, we just need to find
[joints pop]
[Kiff] Principal Secretary?
Kiff and Barry, what are
you two rascals doing here?
P.S.! We've got to talk to you urgent--
Ha-ha! Well, my song's starting!
Here, hold my canapé.
[pop music playing]
Okay. [clears throat]
Here we go.
It's so easy
When you're out at sea ♪
To lose sight of responsibility ♪
Heh.
You may be needed
Back on land ♪
All good things
Need to come to an end ♪
But not for me! ♪
I am having so much fun ♪
I'm never going back
To where I'm from ♪
Oh, I am having so much fun ♪
I'm never goin' back ♪
I'm never goin' home ♪
[playing drums]
Come on now!
[passengers cheer, whoop]
- [passenger 1] Whoo!
- Whoo!
- [passenger 2] Do it!
- [passenger 3] Yeah!
- Whoa ♪
- Whoa ♪
We're not going back ♪
I am having so much fun ♪
I'm never going back
To where I'm from ♪
Oh, I am having so much fun ♪
I'm never goin' back ♪
I'm never goin' home ♪
- [kiss]
- [cheering]
So what did you want to tell me?
Make it quick. I have a girlfriend now.
Helen is selling the school!
We need your help!
Oh, that's horrible. Good thing
it's not my problem anymore.
Wha-- You're gonna come
and save the school, right?
[laughs] Are you kidding?
Did you not hear the song I just sang?
- [passengers] Choo-choo!
- I love being in love!
[calypso music playing]
[passengers cheering]
[defeated music playing]
[bright notes play]
Helen! Before you sell,
there's someone you need to meet.
Yes, I am a potential buyer, and I--
What is this? This school is
an absolute disaster!
Shoddy craftsmanship! Weak bones!
Dial it down. Well, guess the school
is junk, and you can't sell!
Don't worry, kids.
I already know the school is junk,
which is why I'm not selling it.
[both] You're not? Hooray!
I'm giving it away.
And once I give you the school,
you'll cast me as the star
in Hot Principal, right?
No, but you will get a producer title.
I'm playing the producer?
[Barry groans]
Wait, you can't do this.
Think of the children!
Sorry, kids. Deal's too good.
I could film Hot Principal on the cheap.
The heroine of the story has won again!
[dramatic music playing]
Not on my watch.
[all] Principal Secretary!
[Principal Secretary] I'm back now,
and I'm not going to let you
destroy the school.
- Yay!
- Yes!
- What was that?
- I knew you wouldn't let us down.
But I thought you were content living life
on the sea with your dorky girlfriend.
You know, I realized that
while the cruise was fun,
educating you kids is my true passion.
Also, I got dumped.
- Yay!
- We did it!
Table Town School is my girlfriend.
Well, it's too late.
I just signed the papers
to sell the school to Roy Fox.
Principal Secretary, you've reminded me
about the true meaning of my film.
What?
Please star in my movie.
- What?
- There's no movie.
Everyone out! I need to organize.
Kiff, Barry, thank you.
I guess this whole time,
you thought you were teaching me,
but in a way, I was teaching you.
What? No. How would that work?
You're a student.
I teach you. Go to class!
Look at this place. It's a mess.
[sighs]
[over P.A.] This is the life.
[dramatic] Principal Secretary
you must play the lead in my film.
I will do it, for the students!
[dramatic music playing]
I'll save the school!
They nailed it.
[announcer] Brought to you
by Putter's Golf Clubs.
Not just for putting.
[gentle classical music playing]
[cups clinking]
[slurps]
[Kiff, British accent] "Uh,
Mummy, may I have a sugar cube?"
[Beryl] "Of course, bloke."
"Would you like an egg salad
finger sandwich, Mummy?"
[Beryl] "Oh, no, thank you. Very gross."
[both chuckle]
"Ooh. Perhaps a crustless cucumber?"
[both chuckle]
[cell phone buzzing]
Hello.
Who is it?
[faint scraping]
Who is it?
Put it on speaker.
[clears throat] Um
Hmm.
Uh
Hmm.
- [faint scraping]
- Ah.
[scraping continues]
Oh
it's a butt dial.
[scraping continues]
[piano music plays]
[classical music playing]
[scraping continues]
[gasps] Oh, he moved his butt.
[garbled speech] Al right
De an Kim.
Did she say, "Dean Kim"?
Dean Kim's the dean at my university.
[male voice] We must create a diversion
and fun for the scholar
ship.
This is very weird.
"Diversion of scholarship funds"?
[mysterious music playing]
- [tram humming]
- [scraping continues]
- [birds chirping]
- [scraping continues]
- [scraping]
- [scraping continues]
- [cash register beeps]
- [scraping continues]
[riders scream]
[scraping continues]
- [car horn honks]
- [engine rumbles]
[grumbles] Noisy street.
[car horn honks]
[sneaky music playing]
- Yes?
- Are you guys
with the Federal Bungalow
of Investigation?
No.
- How'd you know?
- I mean, unmarked van, nice parking space,
- little satellite dish.
- It's pretty obvious.
Aw, man.
We got made, partner.
Aw, man. Again.
Can we borrow your
top-notch headphones for a bit?
Uh, no, you cannot borrow our--
Wait, is that a doggy bag from the Plaza?
They're still doing tea?
Heck yeah! For another 15 minutes. Hurry!
We can keep an eye on your van.
'Kay. But just use the headphones,
and don't touch anything. Seriously.
There's a box of confiscated
fireworks in the back, okay?
Be careful. Bye!
[both panting]
- [grunts]
- [car alarm blares]
[mysterious music playing]
[scraping continues]
[scraping continues]
Well, this dried up.
[male voice] acquire and destroy.
Pegasus field.
"Pegasus Field"? [gasps]
That's Table Town's
most beloved national park!
Yes! It's where all the pegasuses live!
[peaceful music playing]
Wait, is it pegasuses or pegasi?
[male voice] all of the 18 holes
Eighteen holes? [gasps]
Like golf course 18 holes?
Wait, the dean of my university
is diverting scholarship funds
to secretly buy the land rights
to Pegasus Field
and turn it into a golf course?
What about the pegasuses?
What's gonna happen to them?
I love all this open space.
[yells]
[mysterious music plays]
[peppy music playing]
Five p. Quittin' time.
We need to see the paperwork
for Pegasus Field.
To make sure it's protected land.
Oh, I'm actually on my way out.
Glarbin Gloobin, do your civic duty!
Okay, Pegasus Field.
"Is Pegasus Field protected"?
Huh.
It's not. I-I swore it was.
Oh, gosh. Total nightmare.
Can you make it protected?
[shady music playing]
Yes! Seems there's a very simple
drop-down menu option.
Hold on. It's loading.
It works a little slower after 5 p.
[computer chugging]
- [fanfare plays]
- Okay!
Pegasus Field is now protected land.
You're all set.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
[male voice over phone]
I'm mad furious.
- Pegasus
- That confirms it. They were gonna buy it.
- [opening theme music playing]
- We have no choice
but to take out the little
green fella from the hall.
- [both gasp]
- What? They're eliminating Glarbin.
This has gone way too far.
Glarb, you're in danger!
We have to get you somewhere safe!
I knew this day would come.
[yelling]
[objects crashing]
[objects crashing]
Um
Uh, G-Glarbin, we gotta go.
I was gonna quickly make a sandwich.
- Hurry!
- [panting]
[mysterious music playing]
[scraping on phone continues]
[gears click]
Shh.
[chews]
[scraping continues]
[male voice]
Since our initial plans have been foiled,
we must now destroy the entire city.
He's out of control.
Is the dean always like this?
No, but he's clearly a master manipulator.
We have to confront him face to face.
[chews] You have access to all
of Table Town's resources.
[smacks] Whatever you need to protect me.
And to protect the city
of Table Town, too?
Yeah, sure.
[ominous music playing]
What say we end this meeting early and
hit the links.
[laughing]
I love golf.
It's over, Dean Kim.
Yeah, we won't let you destroy the city,
just like we didn't let you
turn Pegasus Field into a golf course.
Hah! That's right. That was us!
We are stopping your evil plans!
[laughs]
My evil plan to do what?
What is all this?
Oh, don't play dumb, you genius.
We've been listening to you all day,
because you butt-dialed my mom!
That's impossible. My phone's in the shop.
[disappointed music playing]
[scraping continues]
Huh. Where?
[male voice] Everything's in place.
We begin destructor mode the hour.
- [screams]
- Whoa!
- See?
- We'll track the call,
intercept them in no time.
- Wait, you can do that?
- Of course.
Okee
the call is coming from
the old abandoned cave
on the outskorts of town.
[mysterious notes play]
[military music playing]
Now let's do this
like it's the first time
we've done it today.
We'll have to sneak around
to the engine room.
That way, we take--
Who dares disturb our sacred game?
[both] Game?
Yeah, our game.
Star Star Throne Quest.
[both] Reggie?
I'm sorry. Reggie?
[echoing through phone] Yeah.
You correctly identified me.
Would anyone else like to try?
- Looks like we found our butt dialer.
- [cell phone beeps]
But where's the voice
we were hearing all day?
You mean this voice? Ahem.
[deeper] Hello, Kiff.
It is I, Admiral Hardwick
of the Astronomical Alliance.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- That is the voice.
- Okay, yeah.
But someone called you Dean Kim.
That was Liz K. talking
to our other nerd friends, Dee and Kim.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay.
- That's funny.
- Yeah, okay.
What about "diversion,
funds, scholarship"?
[Reggie] We had to create a diversion.
I said, "Hey, it'll be fun."
There was an enemy scholar on our ship
who we suspected was feeding
theories back to his peeps.
Oh. Woof.
Okay, well, you literally said,
"Acquire and destroy Pegasus Field."
[Reggie] We acquired a nuclear device
that allowed us to destroy
an asteroid field
near the Pegasus constellation.
What about the 18 holes?
Ah, very good memory, Beryl.
Our spaceship suffered 18 holes
from the aforementioned asteroids.
[water dripping]
Wow, so it really was
just a big misunderstanding.
No. No, no. What about getting
your vengeance
on the "little green fella from the hall"?
How is that not Glarbin?
That is Glarbin. He usually plays with us,
and today, he was
a no-show for some reason.
- [relaxed notes play]
- [snoring]
He must be punished.
We take group attendance very seriously.
Well, I'm humbled.
And sorry?
Oh! That, too. Of course. Of course.
Oh, don't be sorry. This is more action
than I've seen my whole career.
- Yeah. [laughs]
- We were bored, too.
- [explosions popping]
- What the
Ah, we needed a new van, anyway.
Quite a show you put on back there.
[groans] Please don't fire my mom.
[laughs] I would never.
Literally, I can't.
She has tenure. Brilliant woman.
[relaxed music playing]
[British accent] Mummy, I believe
we caused a bit of a stir. Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Well, all's well that ends well,
wouldn't you say, bloke?
Wouldn't you say?
Hmm? Wouldn't you?
[all laugh]
Anyone up for a little
Star Star Throne Quest?
[closing theme music playing]
Chirp.