The Addams Family (1964) s01e28 Episode Script

Gomez, darling, I finally got it.
- That wonderful glint in your eye.
- Bravo, Morticia.
Bravo, Gomez.
That was a lovely cast, dear.
It's all in the snap of the wrist, my dear.
By george, I believe I really did snap it.
- Pick a card, Father.
Any card.
- Later, Son.
I believe I've got a nibble.
Yes, I'd say so.
Mother, you pick a card.
Play it, dear, the way you play the strings of my heart.
Tish, when you croon soft and low like that - Darling, I'm crooning about the fish.
- Oh, that.
- Mother, you didn't even look at it.
- Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
- It was the ace of diamonds.
- I'm supposed to tell you that.
Go play with Wednesday, sweetheart.
- Pick a card.
- Oh, you and your silly old card tricks.
They're all ace of diamonds.
See? - Checkmate, Thing.
- Aw, heck.
Thing.
Thing.
Pick a card, Thing.
Any card.
Everybody tries to get in on the act.
Lurch, the net.
Steady Now! I wondered what happened to that.
Strangest fish I ever saw.
- Darling, it's Mama's dress shoe.
- Ah.
So it is.
Still, it's the biggest thing I ever caught.
Two pounds if it's an ounce.
An indoor record.
Hi.
Where'd you come from? I used to have a friend like you.
Gorgo.
Did he send you? Yes, he did.
Do you like card tricks? I got two of the same kind for my birthday.
Like it, huh? Okay, it's yours.
I'd sure like to try this card trick on someone.
Uncle Fester! I'll be right back.
"Next, pinch of gizzard from a wizard.
"Powdered bat's wings boiled in oil.
" Pick a card, Uncle Fester.
Any card.
How many times have I told you? Not while I'm conjuring.
Gee, I'm sorry.
Who are you going to conjure? Oh, I don't know, it was a surprise package deal I got from my Spell-of-the-Month Club.
Look, if you don't mind, I'd like to get on with my conjuring, if you please? "Tooth of unicorn.
"Twelve newt's eyes.
"Season to taste, and here's the surprise.
" You all right, Pugsley? I must have used stale newt's eyes.
Where are you, Pugsley? Say, have you Pugsley? Oh, boy, talk about a surprise.
Wait till I spread the word about this.
Morticia, Gomez! Oh, boy! Super Ape.
The Space Detective.
The Green A venger.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Addams, may I present your son, Pugsley.
Pugsley? That? - D-R-U-N-K.
- I tell you, it's true.
It happened I was running though a little black magic and one minute standing there was a fat little boy, and then, poof! That.
Uncle Fester, I think you've been working too hard on your magic tricks.
Morticia, Fester may be right.
These are Pugsley's cards.
This is Pugsley's shirt.
I absolutely refuse to believe that that Gomez, look.
He has that same lovely low brow as you-know-who.
Yeah, and that same fine prehistoric jaw line.
Oh, it is Pugsley.
I'd know that voice anywhere.
Oh, Pugsley, my boy, what has Uncle Fester done to you? No, don't get worried, Morticia.
I'll change him back if you want me to.
If we want you to.
If we want him to.
- We do want him to, don't we? - Absolutely.
Pugsley promised me he'd water the crab grass, and he's not getting out of it so easily.
Don't look so downcast, old man.
It was an excellent job of conjuring.
He's a fine-Iooking chimp.
It was a nice spell, wasn't it? - A regular tour de force.
- Tish That French ripples from your lips.
- It inflames me.
- Darling, please, not in front of our son.
Sorry, I got carried away.
- Well, I'll go back to my fishing.
- Darling.
Mama, guess what? No time for riddles.
I'm cooking gopher goulash for dinner, and I'll tell you, it's more trouble than it's worth.
I can't find half the things I need.
Mama, look.
- Might be just the touch it needs.
- No! Mama! - That's Pugsley.
- Pugsley? I thought there was a resemblance.
I cast a spell on him.
Beginner's luck, if you ask me.
There'll be no living with him from now on, I suppose.
Now, please don't dawdle in changing Pugsley back.
He has homework to do, too.
You might as well save your breath.
You heard your mother.
You've got work to do.
Now let's see.
Purée of aardvark.
No condemned prisoner ever ate a heartier meal.
Darling Gomez.
You'd better set another place for Pugsley.
Uncle Fester, I distinctly told you that I wanted Pugsley changed back.
I know, I tried, I tried, but Set another place.
Uncle Fester, whatever happened to that wonderful combination of magically proven ingredients? Well, the powdered rhinoceros horn I'm using may have turned a little rancid.
Excuses, excuses.
Like I said before, beginner's luck.
Now, you're not being very kind, Mama.
Uncle Fester will change Pugsley back right after lunch, won't you, old boy? You're darn right I will.
In fact, I'll do it right now.
No, no, Uncle Fester, I won't have you conjuring on an empty stomach.
After lunch.
Lurch, please give Pugsley his lunch.
A coconut.
Come on, Pugsley.
Now from here on in, all I want is complete silence.
It won't take long to change Pugsley back, will it, Uncle Fester? Three shakes of a yak's tail.
"Viper's head.
"Tail of donkey.
"Pugsley's changed from boy to monkey.
"Down and up, through field and fen.
"Change, oh, change him back again.
" - Pugsley! - My boy.
Pugsley.
- Pugsley, speak to your mother.
- Allow me, querida.
Yes, dear.
Pugsley? No, it can't be.
Pugsley has more hair.
Then where There you are.
You naughty little boy.
Teasing your Uncle Fester like that.
Now, you may as well know.
I have been in touch with the spirits.
Oh, well, a little drink now and then never hurt anyone.
The spirits of the astral plane, I'm talking about.
One of those champagne flights, eh, Fester? Very funny.
All I can say is when this séance is over, a little boy will have been restored to a mother's yearning bosom.
A little boy monkey, you mean.
I'm getting certain hostile vibrations which I will try to ignore.
Now, if you will all please join hands.
Now, I'm gonna ask everyone to concentrate.
Concentrate.
Gomez, do you mind concentrating on something else just this once? Sorry, Fester, force of habit.
Now concentrate.
Concentrate.
Oh, spirits of the astral plane, give us a sign.
Is Pugsley there? Rap once for yes and twice for no.
And ask him if he's all right.
Your mother wants to know if you're all right.
Rap three times for yes and four times for no.
No, you better make that twice for yes and three times for no.
- Now, now, relax, everybody.
- Great going, Fester.
You're zeroing in on Pugsley.
Oh, my little boy, out there whistling in the dark somewhere.
Now everybody quiet down.
Is that you, Pugsley? Whistle once and rap twice for yes.
Rap once and whistle three times for no.
Five raps? What does that mean? That means it's definitely Pugsley.
He never could count.
Oh, my little boy, rapping away in the dark somewhere.
Well, now, take it easy, Pugsley, old boy.
Are you all right? Rap once and whistle twice for yes.
And rap twice and whistle three times for no.
- Help! - It's him.
No doubt.
No one else puts so much into a screech.
Keep screeching, darling.
Uncle Fester's trying to pierce that nasty old astral veil.
A-OK, Pugsley, old boy.
We're reading you loud and clear.
Now listen, pal.
We want you to materialize back onto our astral plane.
Understand? What kind of plane? Stand clear, Thing.
- A message from Pugsley.
- Airmail.
But why didn't he come himself? - He can't make it.
- Nonsense, my dear, it's nothing more - Great Scott! This is serious.
- I knew it.
Tell me.
No, don't tell me.
Yes, do tell me.
I must know the worst.
The Green Avenger's being threatened by the Manusian Zarock's deadly zeta beam radiation.
The only form of energy that can penetrate his plastic screen.
Dear, I think he's trying to tell us something.
What is it, Thing? Something we should know? Is it smaller than a coffin? Larger than a tsetse fly? Is it the title of a song? This is fun.
I mean it would be if Pugsley were here.
Is it someone we know? How many syllables? Two syllables.
Whom do we know with two syllables? First syllable.
Sounds like Fight? Fighting? Fighter? Pugilist.
Pug! Pug, Pug Just doesn't seem to ring a bell.
This is a difficult one, isn't it? Well, I'm trying to bring back Pugsley and you're playing games.
- That's it, Pugsley! - By george, Morticia, you're right.
Pugsley, my boy, oh, my darling.
Am I glad to see you.
Looks like we've got twins.
Let there be dancing in the street.
Our son has been restored to us.
Thanks to our Uncle Uncle Fester? Help! Help! Uncle Fester, we can hear you, but faintly.
Can you hear us? Scream once for yes and twice for no.
Better make that one scream and two raps for no, and two screams and one whistle for yes.
Forget it.
By george, I was right.
My Great-Aunt Deliria was engaged to a chimpanzee.
Here they are.
- Lovely couple.
- Too bad he jilted her.
Too bad our little chimp had to go back to its owner.
It was nice, having him climb all over the place.
Uncle Fester hasn't stopped eating since he clawed his way out of that secret room.
Well, three days without food does tend to sharpen one's appetite.
I wonder if there are any other rooms we've forgotten about.
It's lovely.
What is it? Wednesday claims she has a new boyfriend.
The Invisible Man's son, Woodrow.
The little minx.
They grow up before you know it.
Not only that, she made me promise to knit a pair of gloves for him, for his birthday.
Marvelous.
I'm sorry you can't stay for dinner, Woodrow.
Maybe next time.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I wasn't looking where I was going.
Yes.
- Well, goodbye, Woodrow.
- Goodbye, Wednesday.
See you tomorrow.
I'd better get busy on these gloves.