The Munsters (1964) s01e28 Episode Script

Good morning.
Good morning, Eddie.
Eddie, I'm very upset with you this morning.
I told you to keep Spot's water dish filled out in the yard.
Last night he got thirsty, and he went down the street and drained Mr.
And Mrs.
Hazlett's pool.
- I'm sorry.
I forgot.
- Well, Mrs.
Hazlett just phoned.
She was very embarrassed when her husband went out to take his morning dip and dove into an empty pool.
What kind of a neighborhood is this where people begrudge a poor, dumb animal a drink of water? [Chuckling.]
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Morning, dear.
[Chuckles.]
What are your plans for the weekend, dear? I just thought I'd stick around the house.
As a matter of fact, I thought I might work on the car.
It needs a thorough checkup.
Herman, please, take it to the service station.
You're not very mechanical.
You're all thumbs.
No, I'm not.
Hmph.
What, do you think I was put together by some kind of nut? Well, please be careful.
Every time you plan a weekend project, you get in trouble.
Lily, please.
Don't be silly, dear.
How could a clear-thinking, intelligent person such as I get in any kind of trouble? [Laughing.]
Hmm? If you'll get up out of the oatmeal, I'll tell you.
Alfred, that looks like the perfect spot to stage our next accident the intersection of Mockingbird Lane and Maple Drive.
Yeah, it's a nice, quiet residential neighborhood.
But where are we gonna get a victim, now that Double-jointed Benny's been picked up by the cops? Alfred, I gotta admit that with that scarred face of his and his knack for being able to throw his bones out of joint, the insurance companies did pay off without a second look.
Now, don't worry.
We'll find somebody to take his place.
But where? This is a big city, Alfred.
Somewhere there must be some big, stupid guy with a face that looks like it's been in an accident before it happens.
What's new in the paper, Grandpa? Oh, nothing much.
The New York Museum is sending some archaeologist to Transylvania.
Hmm.
Well, I hope they don't dig up anyone we know.
Say, listen to this.
"Police Seek Accident Ring.
" Oh, what's that about? Well, they're after a bunch of crooks who stage phony accidents to gyp the insurance companies.
Phony accidents.
Yes.
Isn't that terrible? Everything is so synthetic these days.
[Wind Whistling.]
Well, I checked the oil and the transmission.
Now all I have to check is the differential.
Are you gonna jack up the rear end? Exactly what I'm gonna do.
[Grunting.]
[Laughing.]
I'll go get the wrench, Pop.
The corner of Mockingbird Lane and Maple Drive oughta be around here somewhere.
But,J.
R.
, what's the sense of sizing it up for an accident when we don't even have a victim? First, we gotta get the lay of the land, then the victim.
Look,J.
R.
There's some character working under that wild-lookin' hot rod.
Maybe he could tell us where Maple Drive is.
Uh, say, buddy? Uh, yes.
Can I help you? Uh, excuse me.
Did you ever see such a face? That's a face? It must be.
He's talking out of it.
That's the first time I ever saw a ready-made victim.
Uh, tell me something, sir.
How would you like to get in on a great moneymaking career? Oh, I'm sorry, gentlemen, but, you see, I've already taken a course in hotel management.
[Laughing.]
No, it's nothing like that.
I'm J.
R.
Finlater, and this is my associate, Alfred Swanson.
And have we got a deal for you.
Herman, you're going to be a what? You heard me, Lily.
I'm gonna be an actor and a star in a million-dollar epic.
Herman, two men from Hollywood happened to come along and discover you while you were working on your differential? Well, they said Lana Turner was discovered exactly the same way, only she was sitting on a stool in a drugstore.
One of them's a writer, and one of them's a producer.
That's just where I've been now.
They asked me to their office, and I signed a contract, and they start shooting me tomorrow.
- Shooting you? - Lily, that's a show business expression, like "Roll 'em," "Lights, '" "Action, '" "Anchors away, '" that kind of stuff.
Well, darling, this is such a surprise.
I know you've got the looks and the personality, but you've never had any training.
Well, Lily, they explained that it's a documentary, like Naked City.
What they're after is stark realism.
And they said I was as stark as anything they've ever seen.
Herman, oh, this is this is wonderful.
You, a movie star! Yes.
And, Lily, I'm doing it all for my family.
We're gonna move to Hollywood, to a nice, expensive house in Beverly Hills.
And you'll have diamonds, and Eddie will go to a private school where they'll spoil him rotten.
And, Grandpa, you can fly back and forth to the Old Country.
I do that all the time, anyway.
No, but I mean in an airplane, and first-class.
That might not be bad for a change, to see how the other half flies.
Oh, my son-in-law, the movie star.
Herman, where's that contract? You better have me look it over.
They're keeping it for me down there on file.
And there's no need to worry.
I looked it over very quickly before I signed it.
And it's got everything in it, including double indemnity.
Double indemnity? What's that doing in a contract? Well, they explained that's the title of the picture.
It's a remake, and I'm doing the old Fred MacMurray part.
Oh, dear.
Herman, if you have to kiss your leading lady, I'll just die.
Oh, don't put yourself out, dear.
But if it bothers you, I'll have them use doubles for all that mushy stuff.
Uh, when does this great epic start, uh, shooting? First thing tomorrow morning on the corner of Mockingbird Lane and Maple Drive.
Oh! How thrilling.
We'll all be down to watch you.
Oh, no, you don't.
Uh, not tomorrow morning.
You see, they're shooting the big scene.
They're shooting the end of the picture.
They shoot the end of the picture first? Oh, they always do.
And I know it's the end because as I was leaving the office, I heard the producer say to the writer, "Tomorrow will really be the finish for him.
" [Laughing.]
Would you run through the scene just once more, Mr.
J.
R.
? Why, certainly.
Now, this is the climax of the picture.
Now, you, as the hero, are on your way to meet the girl, when, suddenly, you step off the curb and, whammo! You are struck down by a speeding car.
Couldn't that be a little dangerous? Yeah, well, it don't actually hit you.
It kind of swerves and misses you at the last minute.
Gotcha.
Excuse me.
Yeah? Excuse me, but where's the camera? Oh, uh, the camera.
Well, uh, I'll tell you, Munster.
For the sake of realism, we've got the camera hidden in that mail truck over there.
Very clever.
[Chuckling.]
Get ready, Alfred! Just one more question.
Why is your writer driving the car that's almost gonna hit me? My writer? Uh, well, because not only is Alfred another Tennessee Williams, but he also happens to be the greatest stunt driver in Hollywood.
Well, that's nice.
Okay, Alfred! [Tires Squealing.]
J.
R.
? Yeah, what is it now? Well, you forgot to yell, "Roll 'em," and all that kind of stuff.
We can't forget that, can we? I forgot to say "Roll 'em.
" Let's go again, Alfred! Roll 'em! [Sighs.]
You know something,J.
R.
? What, Munster? If he doesn't write any better than he drives, we're in big trouble.
May I have my tea now, Aunt Lily? In a minute, Marilyn, as soon as the whistling teakettle boils.
[Factory Whistle.]
There we are.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, by the way, Herman phoned.
He said they're gonna shoot the movie in a vacant alley this afternoon.
They ran into some kind of trouble on the street.
It'll be neat, having a father who's a real movie star.
It's a very colorful profession, Eddie.
When I was younger in the Old Country, I used to hang around the stage door and put the bite on all the actors.
You borrowed money from them? No, I put the bite on 'em.
I bet Herman'll be tired and hungry when he gets home.
I think I'll put a little something out on the table for him to nibble on.
[Sighs.]
He just loves his little snacks.
Now, Herman, in this scene, you're leaning against the building right over here.
You're reading this newspaper, and you're waiting for your sweetheart.
I see.
Uh Oh.
Right on this chalk mark.
Right.
That's it.
Ah-ah, not quite so far.
A little bit to the left, Herman.
A little bit more.
That's the idea.
[Laughing.]
That's good.
That's fine, Hermie.
Just like that.
Perfect.
Yeah, that's great.
Oh.
Excuse me, Mr.
J.
R.
, but where's the camera this time? Oh, uh, the camera? Oh, uh, you see that ice cream truck over there? Hmm? Here.
Over here.
- Oh, yes.
- It's hidden inside.
Good thinking.
But,J.
R.
, it occurred to me that the camera Look, Herman, why're you making a big thing out of it? All you have to do is stand right here on the chalk mark and don't do nothin' till I yell, "Action!" - Well, what about "Roll 'em"? - "Action"! I never realized how hard moving pictures were on producers and writers.
Hmm.
Herman, the first day of shooting, and they're shutting down the picture already? I hope they haven't called it off.
You said you were gonna be a movie star, and I've been out all afternoon pricing mink shrouds.
Yeah, and I've been practicing to be a precocious little brat, so I'll be ready when I move to Hollywood.
Now, listen, everybody.
Just calm down.
They said it was just a temporary postponement till the producer gets out of the hospital.
He's got a concussion.
They said it was one of those temporary little delays that happen all the time in Hollywood.
Well, I'm glad everything's gonna be all right.
Oh, Herman, I just can't wait to see your face on a wide screen, The audiences' eyes will just pop out.
Oh, I think it's gonna be an excellent picture.
J.
R.
Told me they're working on a new ending for tomorrow that's gonna be a killer.
How does it look,J.
R.
? Great, Alfred.
Now, all we have to do is to get Munster to go through that door, and then it's one, two, three, instant double indemnity.
[Alfred Whistles.]
I just hope he don't land on somebody and get us a counterclaim.
Stop worrying, will you? We'll be at that claims office, collecting on a policy before he even hits the ground.
Uh Uh, close the door.
I can't stand heights.
I just told Spot about moving to Hollywood, and he's real excited.
Oh, good! Hey, Spot, how would you like to meet Lassie? [Growling.]
How would you like to meet Ed, the talking horse? [Growling.]
Hey, uh, Spot, would you like to meet Carroll Baker? [Growling.]
Oh, Grandpa, stop that.
Spot was never that way till you let him eat that copy of The Carpetbaggers.
Good morning, all.
[All.]
Ooh.
! Herman, you're magnificent! You look so glamorous.
Pop, you're a gas! Please, fans, no autographs.
The Method Actor? One must dig deep to come up with the right character.
You're telling me.
That's how I found my first 10 wives.
Well, I must be going.
Good-bye, dear.
We're shooting interiors today.
I'll try to give you a blast on the horn between takes.
[Chuckles.]
This is the most exciting thing that ever happened you in pictures.
Lily, dear, tut, tut, tut, tut.
When one has talent, one must take these things in stride.
Bye, all.
[Sighs.]
Now, Munster, this is the most crucial scene of the whole picture, although it's a simple one.
Simple? Right.
Now, when we open up, you're seated at the desk.
I'm seated.
Right.
When I give you the cue, you get up, run across the room, fling open that door marked "private" and step inside.
I think I get it.
I get up, go across the room, fling open that door and step inside.
Right.
Just a minute now, and I'll check the set.
All set.
All set? Uh, no.
No? No? No.
What's the motivation? Alfred, give him the motivation.
Uh, uh, me? Uh, uh Oh.
Uh, well Well, you see, you're working here at the office, see, and it's, uh it's late at night.
And then suddenly from the other room you hear a scream.
It's your sweetheart.
You jump up, and you run to the door, and you say, "I'm coming, darling!" And you dash inside.
All right.
Shall we Shall we make it? Uh, no.
No? No.
As they say in Hollywood, it just doesn't grab me.
It's right here, Lily another article about that accident ring.
Good heavens, Grandpa! It says, "They pose as movie producers "to lure their victims into accidents.
Then they collect the insurance.
" And that big dummy Herman signed a contract with double indemnity.
Now they're gonna wreck him and collect on the accident.
Oh, my poor Herman! They'll hurt my sweet baby.
What'll we do? I can't let anything happen to him.
Who's gonna support me in my old age? Oh, this is terrible.
[Growling.]
Don't panic, Spot.
Turn down your burner.
Give us a chance to think.
We've gotta keep cool.
The thing to do is call the police.
Oh, come on, Grandpa.
Let's.
Well, what's the matter? I forgot where the phone is.
Oh, Grandpa! Now, look, Munster.
I rewrote the whole scene for you.
Will you listen to it? Shoot.
This is the office of the boss of the syndicate.
Right.
Now, it's late at night.
Yeah? And you're going through the desk, looking for the papers that'll save the United States from being blown to bits.
Huh.
Now, suddenly, from the next room, you hear a scream.
Uh, but it's not my sweetheart again.
What sweetheart? It's It's your mother.
Yeah.
Mother? Yeah, your mother that you haven't seen in 26 years.
I think it might be a little too cliché.
Well, y-y-you didn't let me finish.
You see, because after the scream, you hear a bark.
Bark? Yeah, a bark woof, woof! Because tied up in there with your mother is the collie dog that pulled you out of the well when you was a little bitty boy in Scotland.
Now you're talking motivation.
All right now! Then let's make a take.
What do you say? Right.
Right.
There we go.
All right.
Sit down in the seat.
That's the idea.
Ready.
A Action! Start going through the drawers.
Now you hear your mother scream.
[J.
R.
Screaming.]
And the dog bark! Woof, woof! - Now what's the matter? - We left the camera in the ice cream truck.
No, no! That's right, Officer.
And now they're gonna stage an accident and collect on his insurance.
Tell them to hurry, Grandpa.
They may be doing away with Herman at this very moment.
He says, unless someone stole our bicycle, he can't help us.
Oh! He's giving me another department.
Now, look, Munster.
Everything is all set.
Now, pay attention.
Here.
The camera is behind this picture.
All right? Your mother and the dog are in the other room.
Now, let's make a take, huh, for the final and last time? You ready? Uh Ready.
All right.
Action! Now you hear your mother scream.
Aaah! Woof, woof.
Coming, Mother! Here! Here! Here.
! You're in the closet! Look, it's not this door.
It's this door! A baby can do it, it's so simple! All you do is you go to this door, open the door and step inside! Say, uh, uh, there's no mother in there, or a dog or anything.
Uh, there's not even a room in there.
They must've moved it.
I think you fellows are trying to hurt me.
You know, if you keep this up, I might get very angry.
I might even report you to the Better Business Bureau.
Mm, so there.
So you see, Herman, they were trying to injure you to collect on the policy you signed.
You know, Lily, there oughta be a law against things like this.
Law? Of course there's a law.
And as law-abiding citizens, we are gonna go to the police station and file a complaint against these crooks.
Herman, you had us so worried.
One of these days, you'll put us all in an early grave.
Isn't that just like Lily? Always looking at the bright side of things.
And let's be thankful we've seen the last of these men.
Yeah,J.
R.
, I think the big goon finally got wise to us.
Our next move is to get out of town.
Yeah? But first we're gonna make a little call on our friend Herman Munster and put him on permanent suspension in that big movie studio in the sky.
Gee, what a creepy place.
Looks like rigor mortis set in.
Yeah, and it's about to set in on Mr.
Herman Munster.
Open the door.
Why me? Open the door! [Door Creaking.]
He must be upstairs.
Call him.
We'll take care of him.
Mr.
Munster.
Herman, baby.
Come on down.
We got something for ya.
[Growling.]
[Yelling.]
[Gasps.]
Did you hear that? I think something frightened Spot.
Boy, Spot must've been really shook up.
He burned all the paint off the door.