Heathcliff & the Catillac Cats (1984) s01e29 Episode Script

- HEATHCLIFF, HEATHCLIFF,
NO ONE SHOULD ♪
TERRIFY
THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD ♪
BUT HEATHCLIFF
JUST WON'T BE UNDONE ♪
PLAYING PRANKS
ON EVERYONE ♪
THERE'S A RACE
TO BE ON TOP ♪
THE COMPETITION
DOESN'T STOP ♪
MIXING WITH
THE LADIES FAIR ♪
BEING CHARMING, DEBONAIR
THE GANG
WILL REIGN SUPREME ♪
AND NO ONE
CAN DENY-Y-Y-Y ♪
THEY'LL MAKE
DUMP HISTORY ♪
AND ALWAYS
HAVE AN ALIBI-I ♪
SO JOIN IN THE JUBILEE
THE CATS ARE GREAT,
THEY'LL ALL AGREE ♪
FIND IN EACH CALAMITY
THE CATS' SUPERIORITY
OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH, OH-OH
OH-OH-OH, OH-OH,
OH-OH-OH, OH-OH ♪
HEATHCLIFF, HEATHCLIFF,
NO ONE SHOULD ♪
TERRIFY
THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD ♪
BUT HEATHCLIFF
JUST WON'T BE UNDONE ♪
YOU SHOULD REALIZE
HE CAN WIN IT WITH YOU
- YOU KNOW, SPIKE,
I'M GETTING A LITTLE TIRED
OF YOU ALWAYS RUNNING AWAY
FROM HEATHCLIFF.
HE'S JUST A PUNY, OLD CAT,
AND YOU'RE A BIG DOG.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF YOURSELF.
LOOK, SPIKE.
HERE COMES HEATHCLIFF NOW.
- [GROWLS]
- THIS IS YOUR CHANCE
TO SHOW ME YOU'RE A REAL DOG
AND NOT A CHICKEN.
- EH HEH HEH. EH HEH HEH.
[GULPS]
[GROWLS]
- HI, SPIKE.
STOP IT.
YOU'RE SCARIN' ME.
- COME ON, SPIKE. GET HIM.
- [GROWLS]
- O-O-O-OH.
- YI-I-I-I!
- I TOLD YOU TO STOP IT, SPIKE.
WHEN WILL YOU LEARN
TO PAY ATTENTION?
- [BARKING AND YELPING]
- [WHIMPERING]
- WHERE YOU GOIN', SPIKE?
THE FUN'S JUST STARTIN'.
- SPIKE, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.
NO, I-I'M MORE THAN ASHAMED.
I'M MORTIFIED.
HOW COULD YOU LET THAT CA
LICK YOU AGAIN?
IT'S EMBARRASSING
TO CALL MYSELF YOUR OWNER.
- [GULPS]
- I DON'T WANNA
LOOK AT YOU AGAIN
UNTIL YOU CAN BEA
THAT CAT AT SOMETHING.
- MUGGSY'S RIGHT.
I'M A DOG, AND HEATHCLIFF'S
JUST A CRUMMY CAT.
I GOTTA GET MYSELF IN SHAPE.
THAT'S WHAT.
ARRR!
ARRR!
ARRR!
ARRR!
- [MEEKLY] BOY,
I'M REALLY LOST NOW.
I DON'T THINK I SHOULD HAVE
TURNED LEFT AT THE BAKERY.
- COME ON, HEATHCLIFF, GET LOST.
I'M TOO BUSY TO BE
FOOLIN' AROUND WITH YOU.
[HONK HONK]
[HONK HONK]
- OOH!
[HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK]
[MEEKLY] GEE, THAT POLICEMAN
WASN'T VERY FRIENDLY.
HE TOLD ME TO GET LOST.
WHY? I ALREADY AM LOST.
GEE, I CAN'T SEE
MUCH BETTER FROM UP HERE.
MAYBE IF I HOP UP THERE,
I CAN GET A BETTER IDEA
OF WHERE I AM.
I'M AFRAID I'M REALLY LOS
THIS TIME.
- [GRUNTS]
HEATHCLIFF!
- EH, HUH?
- WATCH OUT, HEATHCLIFF.
HERE I COME,
'CAUSE I'M A LEAN, MEAN,
CAT-PULVERIZIN' MACHINE.
SLOW DOWN, HEATHCLIFF,
SO I CAN BARBELLIZE YOU.
- [MEEKLY] EXCUSE ME, MR. DOG,
BUT YOU SEEM TO HAVE ME
CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
- DON'T TRY THAT PHONY VOICE
WITH ME, HEATHCLIFF.
YOU'RE FINALLY GONNA GE
WHAT'S COMIN' TO YOU.
- [HUMMING A TUNE]
AHH
NOTHIN' LIKE A LITTLE CATNAP
ON A WARM AFTERNOON.
- I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE,
AND I'M COMIN' AFTER YOU.
- HEY, UH, CAN'T A CAT GE
A LITTLE SHUT-EYE AROUND HERE?
- SHUT-EYE?!
I'LL SHUT YOUR EYES
FOR GOOD THIS TIME.
- HEY, SPIKE, YOU BEEN
WORKIN' OUT OR SOMETHIN'?
LOOK AT THEM MUSCLES.
- HEY, THAT AIN'
GONNA HELP YOU ANY.
I'M STILL GONNA MURDELIZE YOU.
- OHH! EEH! OOH.
OH, MY.
- [HUMMING A TUNE]
- E-EXCUSE ME, MISS.
COULD YOU TELL ME
HOW TO GET TO ELM STREET?
- OH, HEATHCLIFF,
YOU'RE ALWAYS JOKING AROUND.
DID YOU THINK THAT SILLY VOICE
WOULD FOOL ME?
- EH-EH, B-B-BUT MY NAME
IS HENRY, AND I'M LOST.
WON'T ANYONE HELP ME?
- HEATHCLIFF,
YOU'RE SUCH A CARD.
[GIGGLES]
- I'M A LEAN, MEAN,
CAT-PULVERIZIN' MACHINE.
I'M A LEAN, MEAN,
CAT-PULVERIZIN' MACHINE.
BRING ON HEATHCLIFF.
I'LL MURDELIZE HIM.
I'M A LEAN, MEAN,
CAT-PULVERIZIN' MACHI--AH!
OH! UGH!
- LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
A LEAN, MEAN, FALLIN' MACHINE.
[LAUGHS]
- COME ON! I CAN TAKE YOU.
I CAN TAKE YOU.
THIS IS STARTIN'
TO GET ON MY NERVES.
- HEY, HEATHCLIFF,
WE'RE GOIN' OVER
TO THAT NEW FISH MARKE
ACROSS TOWN.
YOU WANNA JOIN US?
Henry: MMM. WELL,
I AM RATHER HUNGRY.
OK, I'LL BE HAPPY
TO JOIN YOU FELLAS.
- UH, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH HEATHCLIFF'S VOICE?
- MY, IT WAS VERY NICE
OF YOU FELLAS
TO INVITE ME ALONG FOR A MEAL,
BUT I MUST BE
ON MY WAY HOME NOW.
DO ANY OF YOU KNOW THE WAY
TO ELM STREET?
[ALL LAUGH]
- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LAUGH.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE WAY,
JUST SAY SO.
- OH, HI, HEATHCLIFF.
STILL TRYING TO FIND ELM STREET?
HEE HEE HEE!
A BIG BOY LIKE YOU SHOULD BE
ABLE TO FIND HIS WAY HOME.
- RAWWRR!
Heathcliff: HEY, UH, SPIKE,
UH, WHAT YOU LOOKIN' FOR?
- HUH?
Henry: WHEW.
Heathcliff:
WHAT'S WITH THIS GUY?
- UNH!
Heathcliff: BOO!
NOW, WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE ME.
HEY, HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW I GET THE PICTURE.
EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE ME.
HMM.
THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
HEY, PAL, MAYBE
YOU AND I CAN DO SOME
BUSINESS TOGETHER, HUH?
HEY, SPIKE,
I'LL BET EVEN WITH ALL
YOUR TRAINING AND WORKING OUT,
YOU STILL
CAN'T BEAT ME IN A RACE.
- YOU KIDDIN'?
I'LL MURDELIZE YOU.
I'LL MURDELIZE YOU.
- WELL, UH, JUST TO MAKE I
INTERESTIN', SPIKE, OLD PAL,
LET'S RACE
FOR, UH--FOR SOMETHIN'.
- WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
- IF I WIN, YOU WAIT ON ME
HAND AND FOOT FOR A WEEK,
AND IF YOU WIN--
EH, WHICH YOU WON'T--
I'LL LET YOU BEAT ME UP
IN FRONT OF MUGGSY.
- OK, HEATHCLIFF, YOU'RE ON.
[CROWD MURMURING]
- OK, HENRY, HERE'S THE PLAN.
YOU RUN ON UP AHEAD AND
[WHISPERING]
AND WHEN WE WIN THE RACE,
I'LL MAKE SURE THAT YOU
GET BACK TO YOUR HOME.
BOY, THERE GOES ONE HECK
OF A GOOD-LOOKIN' CAT.
- HEY, COME ON, HEATHCLIFF.
IT'S TIME TO START THE RACE.
- HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!
SEE YOU
AT THE FINISH LINE, SUCKER.
EASIEST RACE I'VE EVER HAD.
- HIYA, SPIKE.
- HIYA, HEATHCLIFF.
"HIYA, HEATHCLIFF"?
HUH?
I GOT 'IM NOW!
Heathcliff: I WOULDN'
BE SO SURE, DOG BREATH.
- HUH?
[CROWD MURMURING]
[CHEERING]
- YIIIII!
I DON'T LIKE
BEIN' SEEN LIKE THIS,
BUT A DEAL'S A DEAL.
- SHUT UP AND
KEEP PUSHIN', SPIKEY.
Henry: HIYA, HEATHCLIFF.
HIYA, SPIKE.
- HI THERE, HENRY.
- HELLO, HEATHCLIFF.
"HEATHCLIFF"?
I MAY NOT BE
NO PHI BETA POOCHER,
BUT SOMETHIN'S
REAL FISHY AROUND HERE.
- DOES THIS MEAN YOU AIN'
GONNA PUSH ME AROUND
NO MORE TODAY, SPIKEY?
- PUSH YOU?
I'LL PULVERIZE YOU!
- AH, WELL.
NOTHIN' LASTS FOREVER.
- [BARKING]
Heathcliff: HEATHCLIFF,
YOU'RE ONE CAT IN A MILLION.
[LAUGHS]
- AHH. HAHH.
Hector: WATCH OUT!
HEY, BOSS, WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?
- HI, GUYS.
- LISTEN, RIFF RAFF, EVER SINCE
CLEO LEFT ON VACATION,
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN YOURSELF.
- OH, YEAH?
- WHOOPS.
- AND WHAT'S THA
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- IT JUST MEANS
THAT WE THOUGHT A CHANGE
OF SCENERY MIGHT CHEER YOU UP.
- YEAH. WE WERE JUS
THINKIN' ABOUT YOU.
- THAT'S WHY WE DECIDED YOU NEED
A FEW DAYS IN THE COUNTRY.
- I DON'T.
- BEAUTIFUL SUNRISES,
CLEAN, FRESH AIR.
- OH, WHY NOT?
THERE'S NOTHIN' TO DO
AROUND HERE, ANYWAY.
- THIS IS GONNA BE LOADS OF FUN!
[CRASH]
- YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT.
THE FRESH AIR IS NICE, AND ALL
THIS EXERCISE IS TERRIFIC.
- RAWWRR!
- D-D-D-DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?
- YEAH, AND IT SOUNDED
PLENTY BIG TO ME.
- RELAX. IT WAS PROBABLY
SOME FROG WITH INDIGESTION.
I THINK YOU OUGHT TO PUT IN
ONE MORE SUPPORT.
- I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT YOU.
- IT SURE IS LUCKY
WE CAMPED CLOSE TO WATER.
- SHOO-BOP BE-DOOP
BIDDLEY BEE-BOP
BEH BEE BOOP
BLAH LAH LAH ♪
[RUMBLING]
- HEY!
[RUMBLING]
- WHOA! WHOA! WHAT'S GOING ON?
- BE BAH DEE BOP
BAH DO DOOP SHE BE DEE BOP
SHOO BE DOOP
- RAWWRR!
- SHOO BE DEE DO DOP
BE BOP BOP ♪
BAH DO BEEP BEEP
- POOR WORDSWORTH.
- JUST DON'T PANIC.
EVERYTHING'LL BE COOL.
- LIKE, MOMMY!
AHH!
- RAWWRR!
- L-L-LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
- I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.
- IS IT DEEP ENOUGH YET?
- HEY, MAN, CUT US LOOSE.
THIS THING'S DEEP ENOUGH
TO CATCH A MOOSE.
- AH, THAT'S IT.
NOW WE BETTER HIDE SOMEWHERE.
- UH, HOW ABOUT BACK
AT THE JUNKYARD?
- ALL YOU GUYS GOTTA DO
IS GET IN THIS TREE,
AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE REST.
BOY, TALK ABOUT FEARLESS.
YO, FATSO!
GET OVER HERE!
HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, LARDO?
YOU TOO STUPID TO FIND ME?
- HEY, YOU OVERGROWN
SACK OF FUR,
WHY DON'T YOU
COME OUT AND FIGHT?
- RAWWRR!
- I GUESS THE "SACK OF FUR"
LINE GOT HIM.
COME ON, CHUBBY.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
- RAWWRR!
RAWWRR!
- UH-OH.
- WHOA!
RAWWRR!
- I GOT THE WHOLE THING
FIGURED SCIENTIFIC-LIKE.
YOU SEE, THE COEFFICIEN
FACTOR OF THE MONSTER'S WEIGH
DIVIDED BY THE GRAVITY RATIO
OF THE THREE OF YOUSE PULLING
GIVES A QUANTUM RATE OF .000.
- UH
THAT MAKES SENSE.
- IF HE THINKS THAT MAKES SENSE,
WE'RE DOOMED.
- LOOK, IT'S REAL SIMPLE.
WHEN THE MONSTER
STEPS INTO THE LOOP,
YOU GUYS PULL ON THE ROPE,
AND THE MONSTER ENDS UP
UPSIDE DOWN IN THE TREE.
AND, BINGO! WE GOT HIM
JUST WHERE WE WANT HIM.
- YOU MAKE IT SOUND COOL,
BUT I FEEL LIKE A FOOL.
- PERFECT.
HERE HE COMES.
NOW, WHEN I GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL,
YANK THAT ROPE WITH ALL
YOUR MIGHT, GOT IT?
All: G-G-G-GOT IT.
- NOW!
- WHOA!
- YAAH!
- WHOA!
- WE HAD HIM.
- RAWWRR!
[CRASH]
RAWWRR!
- OW!
- EEH!
- OUCH!
- WHOA!
- RAWWRR!
HUH?
- YOW!
- AAH!
- AAH!
- WHOA!
- WELL, YOU BLEW IT AGAIN.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I EVEN LET YOU GUYS HELP.
- W-WE'RE JUST LUCKY, I GUESS.
- UH, I AIN'T GONNA DO IT.
- I'M TELLIN' YOU
YOU'RE AS SAFE AS IF
YOU WAS IN YOUR MOTHER'S ARMS.
- MY MOMMY NEVER
DRESSED ME LIKE A TUNA.
[BOTH LAUGH]
- WILL YOU JUST CALM DOWN
AND LOOK UP?
WHEN THE MONSTER COMES FOR YOU,
WE DROP THE NET ON HIM,
AND THEN FAME IS OURS.
- CALL ME A JERK,
BUT I THINK IT MIGHT WORK.
- UH, YOU'RE A JERK.
- WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE
THAT THE MONSTER'S GONNA COME?
- BAIT. I'VE LEFT HIM
A LITTLE INVITATION.
- CALL IT A HUNCH,
BUT THAT LOOKS LIKE OUR LUNCH.
- RAWWRR!
- NO TIME TO THINK
ABOUT FOOD, GUYS.
GET TO THE NET.
- UH, WHAT DO I DO?
- TRY AND LOOK TEMPTING.
- UH, HIYA, SAILOR.
- NOW!
- RAWWRR!
RAWWRR!
[ALL YELLING]
- RAWWRR!
- OH, NO!
[ALL YELL]
- IT LOOKS LIKE I'M GONNA HAVE
TO HANDLE THIS BIG CLOD MYSELF.
- RAWWRR!
- WHAT DO YOU THINK
HE'S GONNA DO WITH US?
- I TH-THINK
HE'S IN THE M-M-MOOD
FOR C-C-CAT FOOD.
- AHH. MMM.
AHH. MMM-MM.
HEH HEH HEH HEH!
A DOH DEE DOH
- I THINK IT'S TIME
TO TEACH THIS BOZO A LESSON.
- [ECHOING] RAWWRR!
RAWWRR!
RAWWRR!
RAWWRR!
RAWWRR!
- [PANTING]
Hector: I'VE GOTTA TAKE A REST.
- AHH.
- UNH.
- AHH.
- IT WAS FUN CLOBBERING
THAT OVERSIZED BATHMAT.
I WISH HE WAS HERE RIGHT NOW
SO I COULD
REALLY GIVE IT TO HIM.
[ALL STAMMERING]
RIFF RAFF.
RIFF RAFF.
- YAAH!
WHOA WHOA WHOA!
- WHOO!
- WHOA WHOA WHOA!
- WHOO WHOO!
- WHOA!
- RAWWRR!
- PICK UP THE SPEED.
WE'RE LOSIN' OUR LEAD.
- OH, NO!
- UH, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
- JUST BE COOL AND DO WHAT I DO.
- RAWWRR!
- WELL, I GUESS THAT'S
THE LAST WE'LL SEE OF HIM.
- RAWWRR!
- HEY, BOSS, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- I JUST KEEP THINKIN'
HOW GREAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
IF WE'D CAUGHT THAT THING.
WE REALLY WOULD
HAVE HAD THE LIFE--
WORLD TOURS, PLENTY
OF TELEVISION SHOWS AND--UH-OH!
- DID I HEAR SOMEONE
MENTION TELEVISION?
YOU KNOW, MY FRIENDS
HAVE ALWAYS SAID I SHOULD--
I SHOULD BE IN SHOW BUSINESS.
HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE SAMPLE?
HMM MMM
YA BA DEE BOP,
YO BA DEE BOP ♪
YO BOP YO
- IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY,
THE BIGGER THEY ARE,
THE HAMMIER THEY ARE.
[LAUGHS]
HI, KIDS.
PROFESSOR HEATHCLIFF HERE
IN FRONT OF
THE MEDICINE CABINE
TO GIVE YOU SOME TIPS ON MAKING
YOUR HOME SAFE FOR YOUR CATS.
SECURELY LOCK
ALL MEDICINE CABINETS
AND THE HOUSEHOLD CLEANERS
STORAGE CLOSETS.
YOU KNOW,
US CATS ARE VERY RESOURCEFUL
IN GETTIN' INTO THESE AREAS.
LOOK AROUND THE HOUSE.
IF YOU SEE SOMETHIN'
THAT MIGHT HURT YOUR CAT,
PUT IT AWAY.
- [SNARLS]
- TAKE IT FROM ME,
PROFESSOR HEATHCLIFF.
- HEATHCLIFF, HEATHCLIFF,
NO ONE SHOULD ♪
TERRIFY THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD
BUT HEATHCLIFF
JUST WON'T BE UNDONE ♪
PLAYING PRANKS ON EVERYONE
THE GANG WILL REIGN SUPREME
AND NO ONE CAN DENY-Y-Y-Y
THEY'LL MAKE DUMP HISTORY
AND ALWAYS HAVE AN ALIBI-I
SO JOIN IN THE JUBILEE
THE CATS ARE GREAT,
THEY'LL ALL AGREE ♪
OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH, OH-OH
BUT HEATHCLIFF
JUST WON'T BE UNDONE ♪
YOU SHOULD REALIZE
HE CAN WIN IT WITH YOU