The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e29 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know Old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Dad-blamed Beverly Hills.
Puniest greens I ever did see.
What you mumbling about, Granny? A body can't find no greens in these Beverly Hills.
I been out all morning.
All I got was a scraggly handful of rhubarb leaves.
Back home, I'd have had two bushels.
Collard, mustard.
Well, simmer down, Granny.
Maybe Jethro and me'“ bring you back some greens from the country today.
Ooh, you going shootin'? Yup, Mr.
Drysdale asked Jethro and me to go out with him and another fella.
What're you going to shoot, some more of them skeet? Oh, no, no, today we're gonna be shooting game.
Oh, praise be.
We can use some fresh meat.
Try and get a possum or a squirrel.
Well, according to Mr.
Drysdale, we're going to be shooting some game called "golf".
What in tarnation is a golf? Well, I don't rightly know, Granny, but they must be thicker than crows in a corn patch around here, 'cause Mr.
Drysdale says everybody in Beverly Hills shoots them.
Ain't never seen no strange critters runnin' around.
They must live in holes in the ground, like a gopher.
Yeah, I reckon maybe you're right.
Just the other day I heard him say he shot nine holes of golf and got 57.
There must be a mess of them to a hole.
Pa, Pa! Look at all the stuff Mr.
Drysdale sent over for you.
What's them, Elly May? Well these here is what you call golf bags.
Mmm, doggies.
Sure is a heap fancier than a gunny sack for toting game.
You know something, Jed, them golfs must be about gopher size, if Mr.
Drysdale can get 57 of them in one of these.
Golfs ain't nothin' like gophers, Granny.
Them things can fly.
Fly? - Golfs? - Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
Mr.
Drysdale said the fella we's shooting with today Uh, what's his name again, Elly? Uh, Mr.
Dew-roacher, Mr.
Leo Dew-roacher.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, he got four birdies yesterday.
Well, this must be mighty funny-lookin' critters.
Fly like a bird and live in the ground like a gopher.
Well, Mr.
Dew-roacher knows how to get them rascals.
He shot 32.
He just ain't in it with Mr.
Drysdale.
He shot 57.
Well, the only thing I know is that them rascals is sure hard to kill.
After you shoot them, you got to club them.
The dickens you say.
That's a fact, Granny.
The big boxes are just full of golf clubs.
Look at this, Uncle Jed.
Mmm, that's a wicked-looking knob on this club.
You could brain a bear with that.
You think that one's wicked, look at this one.
That knob is solid iron.
Oh, here's something else Mr.
Drysdale sent over to us.
He said we's supposed to wear these things when we shoots golfs.
By doggies, Jethro, them golfs must be the toughest little critters there is.
First you shoot them, then you club them, then you stomp them with spikes.
Daddy, no.
Miss Jane says to me, she says, "When your pa and Jethro go out to shoot, tell them to watch out for the traps.
" Traps, too? Ooh, I can't wait to tangle with one of them golfs.
For pure scrappiness, they must make a mountain lion look like a pussycat.
That's the truth, Uncle Jed.
Well, they come right at ya.
You got to dodge them and duck them.
We got the fella to show us how.
Who's that? Mr.
Dew-roacher.
Miss Jane says he's a famous dodger.
Is that right? Yes, sir, he's so good, he coaches all the other dodgers.
Well, doggies.
I can't wait to meet Mr.
Dew-roacher.
Me, too.
Attaboy, little life out there.
Come on, boys, move around out there.
Come on, go get those balls.
Come on, get the ball over the plate, now what kind of pitching is that? Give them some good balls to hit at.
This is batting practice.
Come on, let's go.
Add a little life.
I want to talk to you, kid.
Let me ask you something.
Why don't you sign with the Dodgers? The happy team, where winning friends is a lot more important than winning ball games.
Yeah, you sure won a lot of friends in San Francisco last season.
Got a great sense of humor, you have.
Also a great pitching arm.
But what do you say, you ready to sign with us? - Sun=.
.
Great.
As soon as you top the $50,000 bonus offer the Giants made me.
50? Are you still considering the Giants? - Why not? - Why not? You can't pitch in Candlestick Park.
That wind'll blow you right off the mound.
Don't worry, that 50,000 will hold me down.
You like money, huh? Love it.
You like golf? Not as much as money.
Sign with us, then you can have both.
You know who I'm playing golf with today? Who? Bank president and a millionaire.
So what does that do for me? What does it do for you? The millionaire If you sign with us and the millionaire's a Dodger fan He may set you up in business.
What's his name? There are so many Dodger fans that are millionaires, I can't keep track of all of them.
I'd just as soon talk on the golf course as here.
Atta boy.
And you'll like playing with this bank president.
They tell me that he bets big and plays lousy.
We call him Drysdale the Pigeon.
Don Drysdale's a bank president? No, no, not Don.
But being a Dodger pitcher is like being a bank president.
What do you mean? Both named Drysdale, right? Right? Oh, come on.
I sure wish Mr.
Drysdale would hurry and pick us up.
These clubs is gettin' awful heavy.
You know something, Jethro? We can tote them clubs in these bags.
But you said them bags was for toting golfs.
Until we get the golfs, we can tote the clubs in them.
Golly, Uncle Jed, that's a good idea.
Come on.
Why didn't nobody ever thought of that before? Pa, Miss Jane just called from the bank.
She said Mr.
Drysdale couldn't shoot golfs with you today.
He's got a big business meeting.
Aww, shucks, I was countin' on it.
Me, too.
Well, I tell you what, Jethro, let's load up the truck, and we can go over there and we'll shoot some with Mr.
Dew-roacher.
Okay, Uncle Jed.
Now, you tell Granny that I don't know when we'll get back, but we'll bring her some fresh cut greens.
Okay, Pa.
You know where to go? Yes sir, Uncle Jed.
It's, um, Wilshire Country Club.
Be nice to get back in the country again.
Granny, Pa said What are you doing with his golf club? Shh! He'll never miss it.
Besides, it's dandy for stirring greens.
Hi, Mr.
Durocher, can I park it for you? No, I'll take care of it, Bill.
- What spot? - Take number 12.
Right.
Howdy there.
Is this the place where they shoot the golfs? It is.
You fellas gardeners? Oh, Uncle Jed is He's the best there is.
Well, Jethro's right handy, too.
You here to take care of the greens? Matter of fact, we did promise to cut some greens, yeah.
Park it around in the back and ask for the greens keeper.
Thank you very kindly.
Yes, sir, thank you.
Jethro, I think you was right about them golfs being birds.
- I was? - Yeah.
When I come out here, I seen some people take two little white eggs out of that hole over yonder.
I hope we get us some.
I think I got this golf shooting figured out, too.
I've been watchin', and this whole pasture's full of people knocking them little eggs along the ground.
Oh, yeah? The way I got it figured, when a golf comes out of his hole to get his eggs back, you shoot him.
I think you have got it figured out, Uncle Jed.
Hey, this young feller got himself a Whopper, ain't he? Hey, where'd you get that, little feller? Mr.
Durocher gave it to me.
And he signed it, too.
Is Mr.
Durocher here? Right over there on that bench.
If you ask him, he might give you one, too.
Well, thanks, sonny.
Come on, Jethro.
Great game you arranged, Leo.
The bank president cancelled, the millionaire didn't show up, and we can't get a caddy.
I talked to the starter.
He's gonna give us the first two that come in.
Look, I got to catch a plane to San Francisco tonight, Leo.
Look kid, I told you, forget about San Francisco.
The Dodgers are the greatest Is, uh, Mr.
Durocher here? Right here.
Well, uh, Mr.
Drysdale can't come, but me and Jethro would like to go along with you, if that's all right.
That's great.
See, I told you we'd get caddies.
Now whose bags are those? Mr.
Drysdale sent them over.
Look, put them right over there in the rack, take ours.
Oh, thank you very kindly.
That's mighty neighborly of you.
Boy, I've seen some seedy looking caddies in my day.
They're really scraping the bottom of the barrel at this club.
Well, let's give them a break.
You know, Walsh, I think these fellas could use a few bucks.
All right, I'm game.
Reckon we ought to take our guns, Uncle Jed? They seem to want us to use their stuff.
I reckon we ought to oblige them.
Whomp it, mister.
Look, pal, there's no talking while he's swinging.
Holy cow, what a drive.
Aren't I just lucky? Jed, you reckon it's all right to talk now? I reckon so.
That other fella ain't swingin'.
Whomp it, Mr.
Durocher.
You'd make a great umpire.
Well, thank you, sir.
Well, I'd appreciate it very much if you'd be quiet while I'm swinging also.
Oh, yes sir.
Beautiful shot, Leo.
Just lucky.
Let's take a cart and lose those guys.
Okay, I'm with you.
Faster, they're gaining on us! Boy, if I sink this, I'll birdie the first hole.
A 40-footer? - No chance.
- No chance? You just watch me, kid I got the magic touch.
By doggies, we thought we'd lost you.
Yeah, so did we.
You fixing to whomp it again? Yeah, I'm fixing to whomp it again.
Say, you fellas ever caddy before? No, I don't reckon so.
You ever been on a golf course before? No, sir, but we sure is anxious to learn about it.
You want to learn? Come on with me then, fella, come on.
Hey, mister, could you tell me where I might find some greens? Well, what do you think you're standing on? - Right here? - Yeah.
By doggies, somebody done cut them so close to the ground, there ain't nothin' left.
You saying greens to eat? Yeah, I promised Granny I'd bring her home something to cook tonight.
Say, old timer, uh, how long has it been since you had a decent meal? Mmm, I'd say about a week.
That's when we had the last of the salted down possum belly.
Have you got the idea? Just stand there quietly and hold the pin, right? Oh, yes, sir.
Saved it for you, Mr.
Durocher! What do you mean, you saved it for me? I had to stop it, it'd have fell right in that little hole there.
Oh, give me that ball.
Aw, take it easy, Leo.
Look, these poor guys haven't eaten in a week.
Mr.
Durocher, your golf egg is stuck in the top of that tree yonder.
Well, why don't you two fellas just climb up there and get it out of there? Ain't no call to do that.
Jethro can knock it out for you if we can find something for him to throw.
You mean you can knock that little ball out of the top of that tree? Well, easy, if I could find a rock or something.
Never mind a rock.
Here, use this.
Hey, Uncle Jed, it's another one of them big eggs.
Hey, could you hit that golf ball up in that tree? Hit it? I can't even see it.
I'll knock it down for you, Mr.
Durocher.
Okay.
Where'd you learn to throw like that? Huntin' squirrels.
Jethro could knock a squirrel out of a tree clean across this pasture.
Can you throw like that on the level? What you mean? Well, could you hit the trunk of that little tree over there? Oh, you mean the one with the knothole in it? Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, that's-that's the one.
I reckon so.
If he can hit that trunk from this distance, he's got the greatest arm since Satchell Paige.
I'll fling it for you, Mr.
Durocher.
I'll put it right in the knothole.
How long can you throw like that? Well, after about eight or ten hours, my arm kind of stiffens up, so I have to start throwin' with my left.
I can throw harder with my right, but my left don't get tired so quick.
Hey, Leo? Hey, Leo! Hey, Leo! Ah, while you're running, keep right on going to San Francisco.
Here you are, Granny.
Oh, that's a good girl.
Yeah.
Granny, Elly May, wait'll you hear the news.
Get some greens? - No, but, uh - Get some golfs? - No, but - I got some of their eggs, Granny.
Lookee here.
Kind of hard.
The shells is, but they's soft inside.
Too hard to crack.
I'll have to boil them.
Now, Granny, you come on over here and listen to the news.
You too, Elly May.
Well, what is it, Pa? This boy here is gonna be a baseball thrower.
What's a baseball thrower? That's a feller that throws a baseball.
What's a baseball? This here is a baseball.
They play a game with these things.
How you play it, Pa? Well, far as I can figure, you get one of them golf eggs stuck in the top of a tree, and then you knock it out with this here baseball.
Yeah, and then if you knock it down, you get to throw the baseball through a knothole.
That sounds like fun.
Can I play, too? Well now, Elly, I don't know.
Well, I can throw just as good as Jethro.
Yeah, you can.
She can't neither.
- Can too! - Cannot! Now, now, listen, now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's let Mr.
Durocher decide.
He's coming over here in a few minutes with something called a contract for Jethro.
Well, I want one of them contracts, too.
Well, wait, let's just sit here and wait for Mr.
Durocher.
Stop worrying, Buzzie.
It'll be okay.
What do you mean, stop worrying? If this kid Walsh signs with the Giants, O'Malley will kill us.
Relax.
This Jethro is a one-man pitching staff.
Believe me, if we sign him, you can put, you know, seats in the bullpen.
Let all the other pitchers sell hot dogs.
O'Malley would love us.
Now, don't throw too hard, Elly May.
You'll drive Jethro plumb through the woodwork.
Okay, Pa.
There goes that spook, playing music in the walls again.
One of these days, I'm going to conjure that rascal out of there.
Well, I reckon we might as well get out front.
Somebody always comes to the door when that music plays.
I thought you said this Jethro was a poor boy.
They must be the caretakers here.
They're so poor, I know they haven't eaten in a week.
And he still threw the ball that good? And fast.
If we feed this boy, we're going to have to have a gorilla to catch him.
They work for bananas, and I think O'Malley would love it.
I know he would.
Well, Mr.
Durocher.
Mr.
Clampett.
I want you to meet our general manager, Mr.
Bavasi.
Well, howdy, howdy.
Come in, come in.
Well, now, Jethro.
After you throw this here baseball into the knothole on that tree, well, then what happens? Well, then Mr.
Durocher throws his arms around you and says, "Praise be!" "I got me a pitcher!" "Pitcher"? According to him, that's what baseball teams is always needing.
Big, strong pitchers.
Well, if he don't mind one that's chipped a mite.
Not that kind, Granny.
In baseball, a pitcher is a fella that throws that there ball.
Well, what do you throw it at, Jethro? You throw it at a plate.
Don't it bust the plate? No, Elly.
This kind of plate is made out of wood or something and it sets in the ground.
Well, you wouldn't get me to eat off of it.
You don't eat off of it, Granny.
A feller stands beside it, holdin' a bat.
A bat? Sounds like a game you play in a cave.
How do you hold the bat? There's only one way, Elly.
You have to catch that varmint by the end of its wings and spread-eagle him, so he can't bite you.
No, Granny.
You got to Have you ever been bat-bit? No, ma'am, but Now don't tell me about bat-bitin', boy.
I was bat-bit before you was born.
These bats don't bite, Granny.
They is made out of wood.
Wood bats? Yes, ma'am.
And you don't play baseball in a cave, neither.
You play it on a diamond.
A diamond? Yes, ma'am.
Who told you all this, boy? Mr.
Durocher.
And you swallowed it.
Well, Granny, he's a coach! He might be a coach, but if you ask me, he's got a few horses missin'.
Go on out to the cement pond, everybody.
Mr.
Durocher's there.
He's got a fella with him name of, uh, Bavasi.
Who's he, Pa? Well, he's the general manager of them Dodgers.
Uh, Mr.
Durocher calls him Buzzie.
Well, if you ask me, Mr.
Durocher is the one that's buzzy.
Are you comin', Granny? No.
I'm going to stay here and do something sensible.
I'm going to boil these golf eggs.
You mean to say this entire estate belongs to you? Sure does.
It's bigger than Dodger Stadium.
Jethro, show Mr.
Bavasi how you can throw a baseball.
Just a minute, Leo.
These people are pretty prosperous.
Let's find out how much money he's gonna want.
Money? Shucks, no, Mr.
Bavasi, I don't want no money.
I just throw for the fun of it.
O'Malley will love you.
Look, Jethro, get back over there about 60 feet.
You know, right this side of that wall there, and throw the ball.
There ain't no knotholes around here.
Just pretend, just pretend that this is a knothole right here and throw it right in this pocket.
Okay, Mr.
Durocher.
Ain't you gonna hurt your hand, Mr.
Durocher? Not with this mitt on.
Watch this, Buzzie.
Okay, Jethro, right in the old knothole.
Let's show him the kind of stuff you got.
Looks like he carries his own rosin bag.
Ready, Mr.
Durocher! Mr.
Durocher.
Mr.
Durocher! Pa! You all right? I'm sorry, Mr.
Bavasi.
I held back, but I reckon not enough.
Forget it, Jethro Coaches we got.
Pitchers we need.
What's all that grease on your hand? Oh, that there's possum fat.
I can't throw straight at all lest I put that on my hands first.
- You're kidding.
- No, sir.
I've been throwing rocks like that since I was this high.
Now I can't throw nothing that ain't smeared with possum fat.
Did I hear that right? You sure did.
He can't throw anything that isn't smeared with possum fat.
Look, Buzzie, maybe we can get the commissioner to legalize the possum ball.
Uh-uh.
So long.
Where you going, Mr.
Durocher? To drown myself.
O'Malley will love you! I never seen a feller so fond of water as that Mr.
Durocher.
Yes, sir, Mr.
O'Malley, I'll catch the 5:30 plane to San Francisco.
No, don't worry.
I won't let that Wesson kid sign with the Giants.
Bring him back or what? Off the Golden Gate Bridge? Bu“ just got out of the water.
Yes, sir.
Good-bye.
Gee.
Here you are, Mr.
Durocher.
- Well, thank you.
- This soup will warm you up.
And here, have a piece of Granny's corn bread.
It'll put hair on your chest.
Yeah, will it put anything up here? Hey, it is kind of sparse, ain't it? Sparse? I've seen more hair grow on a hog's liver.
Say, this is pretty good.
Chicken, isn't it? You didn't miss it much.
Chicken hawk.
Would you like a golf egg? A what? A boiled golf egg.
Boiling them made them kind of rubbery.
And that yolk is black as coal.
Maybe put a lot of salt on it.
That'll fix it up.
Oh, thanks, I'm not hungry.
You suppose my clothes are dry yet? Well, they ought to be.
Jethro and Elly May is running around the block, trailin' them in the breeze.
Here you are, Mr.
Durocher.
Bone dry.
Well, thanks a million.
Say, Jethro, are you sure that you can't throw without possum fat? Oh, yes, sir, I'm positive.
I can throw as good as Jethro without possum fat.
She sure can.
Elly May can out-throw anybody.
Oh, yes, sir, she's got plenty of stuff.
Yeah, we could never hide it under a Dodger uniform.
You come on outside and I'll show you.
Well, I got an hour before my plane.
Don't mind if I do play a little catch.
All right, Elly, aim for the glove.
Here we go again.
That man spends more time in the water than a bullfrog.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.