Get Smart (1965) s01e30 Episode Script

( suspenseful music playing ) ( phone dinging ) ( man screams ) ( thuds ) ( phone ringing ) HELLO.
THIS IS MAXWELL SMART, SECRET AGENT 86 OF CONTROL.
( foreign accent ) I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOUR AGENT 81 WHO WAS KILLED.
HE TOLD ME IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HIM I must contact you.
I have names of enemy agents.
HOLD ON JUST A SECOND.
ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.
I WAS TOLD TO GIVE YOU NAMES IN PERSON.
I AM WITH SWIMMING TEAM WHICH IS MEETING YOUR AMERICAN GIRLS IN WASHINGTON.
WHERE CAN I CONTACT YOU? WE WILL BE TRAINING AT THE INTERNATIONAL SPORTS CLUB.
WELL, HOW WILL I RECOGNIZE YOU? I AM 5'5", HAVE BROWN HAIR-- GO ON, I'M RECORDING EVERY WORD.
WELL, UH, I MAY HAVE MISSED ONE OR TWO.
WOULD YOU MIND STARTING FROM THE BEGINNING? I GIVE YOU MY NAME.
YOU GET PENCIL.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I HAVE A FANTASTIC MEMORY.
VERNA LENYA TSGANYOKOV.
I'D BETTER GET A PENCIL.
TWO DRAWERS AND ONLY ONE SHOT LEFT.
HELLO.
I HEAR GUNSHOT.
YOU ARE DEAD? NO, I'M ALL RIGHT.
I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR A PENCIL.
I COULDN'T FIND ONE.
YOU'D BETTER JUST GIVE ME YOUR NAME.
VERNA LENYA TSGANYOKOV.
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T MAKE YOU OUT.
WHAT IS YOUR LAST NAME? TSGANYOKOV.
T-S-G-A-N-- T-S-J-E-A-N-- - ( door opens ) - SOMEONE'S COMING.
I WILL CONTACT YOU AT INTERNATIONAL SPORTS CLUB.
INTERNATIONAL SPORTS CLUB.
I'D BETTER WRITE THAT DOWN.
( theme music playing ) Man over loudspeaker: Start! THAT'S THE AMERICAN TEAM, MAX.
THE OTHER TEAM IS OVER THERE.
I'LL SPOT THE GIRL WHO PHONED ME IN A SECOND, CHIEF.
SHE SAID SHE WAS 5'5" AND HAD BROWN HAIR.
THIS MAY TAKE A LITTLE LONGER THAN I THOUGHT, CHIEF.
THEN YOU CAN'T IDENTIFY HER, MAX? UH, NO, CHIEF.
WHOEVER IT IS, I CAN'T WAIT TO CONTACT HER.
MAX, DIDN'T YOU SAY THE GIRL GAVE YOU HER NAME ON THE PHONE? YES, IT WAS ONE OF THOSE LONG FOREIGN NAMES, BUT I'M SURE I'LL RECOGNIZE IT AS SOON AS I HEAR IT.
I CAN REGISTER THE GIRLS USING MY COVER IDENTITY AS AN OFFICIAL OF THE SWIMMING MEET.
AS SOON AS YOU RECOGNIZE A NAME, YOU LET ME KNOW.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
MAYBE THE GIRL WILL TRY TO SIGNAL YOU, MAX.
I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.
( splashes ) ( foreign accent ) WELL, THAT WAS GOOD, BUT A SWAN MUST LOOK LIKE A SWAN, NOT A VULTURE.
WE WILL WORK ON IT-- UH, I'M HERE TO REGISTER THE GIRLS.
THEY ALREADY HAVE BEEN OFFICIALLY REGISTERED.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF AN OFFICIAL OFFICIAL REGISTRATION? NO.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR.
GIVE HIM YOUR NAMES.
YOUR NAMES, PLEASE.
MYRNA LENYA ASKINYAROV.
VERNA YANYA YAKORNIKOV.
RENA LENYA CHAVGANGRIEV.
NINA LENYA GREHORNIKOV.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, GO.
MAX, DO YOU KNOW WHICH ONE IT IS? WELL, I'M NOT SURE, 99, BUT I'VE GOT IT NARROWED DOWN TO TWO POSSIBLES AND TWO MAYBES.
I DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF THAT OTHER MAN.
YOU'RE ALWAYS SUSPICIOUS, GRECO.
SOMETHING STRANGE IS GOING ON HERE.
I'M GOING TO CHECK ON IT.
WHO ARE YOU? OH, WE'RE WITH THE AMERICAN TEAM.
WE'RE THE CHAPERONE AND THE TRAINER.
I'M THE TRAINER.
YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A TRAINER TO ME.
IS THAT SO? WELL, I HAPPEN TO BE AN EXPERT.
WHY, I ONCE TRAINED A GIRL TO SWIM FOUR TIMES! WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? FOUR TIMES! I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE THREE TIMES ACROSS THE MISSISSIPPI? I DON'T THINK SO.
HOW ABOUT TWICE AROUND THE BATHTUB? ONCE AROUND THE BATHTUB? ( phone ringing ) HELLO.
Verna: I can't talk now.
I leave message with names of enemy agents at bottom of swimming pool.
When drapes on dormitory window are closed, - you will know I have left it.
-( clicks ) WAIT.
- NO SIGNAL YET? - NO, NOTHING, CHIEF.
I WISH IT WOULD COME NOW WHILE THE AREA IS DESERTED.
EVERYBODY'S AT LUNCH.
MAYBE THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE OF PLANS.
WELL, IF SHE HASN'T LEFT THE MESSAGE, THAT MEANS THEY MUST BE WATCHING HER, CHIEF.
YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S GET SOME LUNCH.
OOH, GOOD IDEA, CHIEF.
I'M STARVED.
LOOK, THERE'S THE SIGNAL NOW.
RIGHT.
NOW SHE SAID SHE WOULD LEAVE THE MESSAGE IN THE POOL.
I'D BETTER GO CHANGE INTO MY TRUNKS, CHIEF.
THERE'S NO TIME.
SOMEONE MAY COME.
THE AREA IS DESERTED NOW.
OH, WELL, I'LL TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF THEN.
MAX.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, 99.
THE DRAPES ARE CLOSED.
NOBODY CAN LOOK.
WILL YOU GET INTO THAT POOL NOW? BOY, CHIEF, THAT WATER'S COLD.
NOW.
NOW? RIGHT, CHIEF.
UH, WHAT DO YOU THINK, CHIEF-- A HALF GAINER OR A NICE SWAN DIVE? RIGHT, CHIEF.
I MYSELF AM A LITTLE PARTIAL TO A ONE AND A HALF TWIST WITH A DOUBLE GAINER, BECAUSE-- ( shouts ) GET IN THE POOL! IS THE NOTE IN THE BOTTLE, MAX? NO, CHIEF, THERE IS NO NOTE.
OH.
MAYBE SOMEBODY CLOSED THE DRAPES ACCIDENTALLY.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, MAX.
WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.
IT WASN'T A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
THIS IS A DEPOSIT BOTTLE.
I CAN GET A NICKEL BACK ON IT.
IT WAS A GOOD SUGGESTION, EATING OUT HERE, MAX.
AT LEAST WE CAN SEE IF THE GIRL TRIES TO SIGNAL YOU AGAIN.
RIGHT, CHIEF.
CHIEF, THE FOOD HERE IS TERRIBLE.
THIS SANDWICH TASTES LIKE I'M CHEWING ON PAPER.
MAX, THE MESSAGE! I'M CHEWING ON PAPER.
CHIEF, IT'S THE MESSAGE.
"UNABLE TO LEAVE MESSAGE IN POOL.
THE NAMES OF THE ENEMY AGENTS ARE" - ARE WHAT? - IN MY STOMACH.
- WHAT?! - I ATE THE REST OF THE MESSAGE, CHIEF.
I'D BETTER GO TELL HER I DIDN'T GET IT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, MAX? DON'T WORRY, I CAN HANDLE IT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF.
UH, PARDON ME, GIRLS, BUT I'VE BEEN EXPECTING A MESSAGE AND I HAVEN'T RECEIVED IT YET.
NOW IN CASE I'M GONE WHEN IT COMES, I'D LIKE TO LEAVE MY TELEPHONE NUMBER.
UH, DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE A PENCIL? NEVER MIND.
I WILL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
EXERCISE.
WHY WAS IT YOU WANTED TO WRITE DOWN YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER? WAS IT FOR ONE OF MY GIRLS? ONE OF YOUR GIRLS? DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
OF COURSE NOT.
THE REASON I WANTED TO WRITE DOWN MY TELEPHONE NUMBER WAS FOR-- WAS FOR YOU.
( with accent ) FOR ME?VY? "VY"?YES, WELL-- WELL, BECAUSE IT'S THE LAW OF NATURE.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL, YOU ARE A MAN AND I'M A WOMAN-- I MEAN I UNDERSTAND.
DID THE DEFECTOR GET YOUR MESSAGE, MAX? IT'S IMPORTANT.
- THERE'S SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT.
- WHAT? I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN OFFICIAL REQUEST TO HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER CHANGED.
I TOLD YOU THERE WAS SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT HIM.
HE WAS TRYING TO SIGNAL SOMEONE.
IT'S TIME HE HAS AN ( blows ) ACCIDENT.
CHIEF, WHOEVER OUR GIRL IS, SHE MUST HAVE UNDERSTOOD ME WHEN I SAID I EXPECTED A MESSAGE.
( arrow whooshes ) SORRY ABOUT THAT.
IT DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS LOADED.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, CHIEF? THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THAT MAN I DON'T TRUST.
CHIEF, SHE'S GOT TO CALL.
SHE'S JUST GOT TO CALL.
DON'T WORRY, MAX.
SHE WILL CALL.
( ringing ) YOU WERE RIGHT, CHIEF.
HELLO.
- It's me.
- GOOD, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR CALL.
NOW LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO HAVE A LIST OF THOSE NAMES.
DON'T WORRY, I'LL PROTECT YOU.
NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.
All right.
I meet you in area behind training pool in 15 minutes.
RIGHT.
- WELL, THAT'S IT, CHIEF.
- WHAT DID SHE SAY? SHE'S GONNA MEET ME IN 15 MINUTES.
MAX, PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
YOU'LL BE OUT THERE ALONE, A WALKING TARGET FOR A KILLER.
AND LOVING IT.
IS IT YOU? YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? WHAT'S THAT PIECE OF PAPER IN YOUR HAND? WAIT A MINUTE, GRECO.
DON'T ASK ME SO MANY QUESTIONS ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
- HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO ANSWER THEM? - ALL RIGHT.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - NOTHING.
- WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? - NO ONE.
WHAT'S THAT PIECE OF PAPER IN YOUR HAND? I DON'T KNOW.
SEE? NOW WHEN YOU ASK ME THE QUESTIONS ONE AT A TIME NICELY, YOU GET ANSWERS.
WELL, SO LONG, GRECO.
JUST A MINUTE.
GIVE ME THAT PIECE OF PAPER.
GIVE IT TO ME.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO KILL ME TO GET THIS NOTE, GRECO.
THEN I'LL KILL YOU.
IT WAS ONLY A SUGGESTION.
CAN'T YOU LET A GUY EAT IN PEACE? Trainer: GRECO? GRECO! SORRY ABOUT THAT, GRECO.
HOPE I WASN'T OUT OF LINE.
GRECO, WHAT IS IT? I HEARD NOISES DOWN HERE.
ONE OF OUR GIRLS IS MEETING THE TRAINER FROM THE AMERICAN TEAM.
SHE GAVE HIM A NOTE.
I THINK WE SHOULD GO BACK TO THE DORMITORY AND WORK THEM OVER, FIND OUT WHICH ONE IT IS.
NO, WE NEED ALL OF OUR GIRLS FOR THE SWIMMING MEET TOMORROW.
UNTIL THEN WE WON'T LET THEM OUT OF OUR SIGHT.
AND THEN WHEN WE GET BACK TO OUR OWN COUNTRY WE WILL FIND OUT WHO IT IS AND THEN TAKE CARE OF HER.
COME.
YOU-- YOU ATE THOSE NAMES AGAIN?! I HAD TO EAT THEM, CHIEF, OTHERWISE GRECO WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THEM.
WHY, HE TRIED TO KILL ME.
IMAGINE THAT.
CHIEF, I'VE GOT TO GET THOSE NAMES.
I'M GOING IN THERE, FIND THAT GIRL AND GET THAT LIST.
I FIGURE IT'LL TAKE ME ABOUT 10 MINUTES.
BUT, MAX, THAT'S A DORMITORY FULL OF WOMEN.
HMM.
BETTER MAKE THAT AN HOUR AND 10 MINUTES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? SHH, I'M WALKING IN MY SLEEP.
- WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON? - WITH MY CLOTHES ON.
YES, WELL, I ALWAYS WALK IN MY SLEEP WITH MY CLOTHES ON.
YOU SEE, IN CASE I WAKE UP SUDDENLY I LIKE TO TAKE IN A LATE MOVIE.
AS A MATTER OF FACE, I'D BETTER GET GOING, BECAUSE I HATE TO WALK IN ON THE MIDDLE OF A PICTURE.
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT WALKING IN YOUR SLEEP.
( chuckles ) DID YOU COME TO SEE ONE OF MY GIRLS? CERTAINLY NOT! THEN YOU MUST HAVE COME TO SEE ME, YOU DEAR IMPETUOUS MAN.
COULDN'T YOU WAIT FOR ME TO CALL? SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT I-- - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - WHERE AM I GOING? YES, WELL, I THOUGHT I'D GO AND GET SOME FLOWERS.
YOU SEE, I HATE TO COME VISITING EMPTY-HANDED.
OH, HOW THOUGHTFUL.
BUT I DO NOT NEED FLOWERS.
NO FLOWERS.
WELL, UH, HOW ABOUT SOME CANDY? OR BETTER YET, CHINESE FOOD? I KNOW A WONDERFUL RESTAURANT.
OH, HOW NICE, AN INTIMATE MIDNIGHT SNACK.
HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE YOU TO GET TO THE RESTAURANT? FOUR DAYS.
IT'S IN SHANGHAI.
- SHANGHAI? - WOULD YOU BELIEVE HONG KONG? WELL, WHEREVER IT IS, IT'S A LONG TRIP, AND I REALLY BETTER GET GOING.
AREN'T YOU GOING TO KISS ME GOODBYE? KISS YOU GOODBYE? YES, WELL, I'LL KISS YOU GOODBYE - WHEN I GET BACK FROM SHANGHAI.
- NOW.
NOW?UH, YES, WELL, OKAY, IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES.
- VY? - VY? BECAUSE I'M SHY, THAT'S VY.
KISS ME! KISS ME!KISS ME! KISS ME! Girls: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? WHAT IS THIS NOISE? - IS HE TRYING TO KILL YOU? - NO, HE'S TRYING TO KISS ME.
- YOU'D BETTER COME WITH ME.
- I THINK YOU'D BETTER COME WITH ME.
IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, I'D RATHER GO WITH THEM.
GET HIM OUT OF HERE! SORRY ABOUT THAT, GIRLS.
IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT, 86.
YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD, MAX.
WHAT REALLY BOTHERS ME, CHIEF, IS THAT THAT GIRL MISSED A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY.
HOW? I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE IN AMONG ALL THOSE GIRLS.
SHE COULD VERY EASILY HAVE SLIPPED THE LIST OF NAMES INTO MY POCKET.
THEN I COULD BE SITTING HERE AND REACH INTO MY POCKET AND COME UP WITH THE LIST OF NAMES.
- WHAT'S THAT, MAX? - THE LIST OF NAMES, CHIEF.
THE LIST OF NAMES? WE HAVE WHAT WE CAME FOR.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF.
WHAT ABOUT THAT GIRL, THAT BRAVE AND BEAUTIFUL GIRL THAT TRIED TO HELP US? THEY FIND OUT ABOUT THIS THEY'LL KILL HER.
- BUT MAX-- - NO, 99, I GAVE HER MY PERSONAL GUARANTEE OF SAFETY.
I GAVE HER MY PROMISE THAT I'D PROTECT HER.
THAT'S IT.
I'M GONNA WAIT UNTIL MORNING AND THEN I'M GOING IN THERE.
STOP.
TURN AROUND.
IT'S YOU! YES, IT'S ME, AND YOU MIGHT AS WELL KNOW THE TRUTH.
I'M FROM CONTROL AND ONE OF YOUR GIRLS GAVE ME A LIST OF ENEMY AGENTS AND I'M HERE TO TAKE HER OUT.
- YOU KNOW YOU COULD BE KILLED.
- I DON'T CARE.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT SHE RISKED HER LIFE TO HELP ME AND I GAVE HER MY WORD I'D PROTECT HER.
AND YOU DON'T GO BACK ON YOUR WORD TO A BRAVE AND BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
- TAKE ME.
- YOU? I AM THE BRAVE AND BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
YOU ARE? WELL, HOW CAN I BE SURE OF THAT? HOW DO I KNOW YOU WERE THE ONE THAT GAVE ME THE LIST? IS YOUR NAME VANYA LENYA YASKANYOKOV? NO.
- RENYA LENYA CHAVGANRIEV? - NO.
- NINA LENYA GRANORAVETH? - NO.
- VERNA LONYA ANYAAZOV? - NO.
NO.
WELL, THAT TAKES CARE OF THAT, BECAUSE THE GIRL THAT I KNOW HAS A NAME THAT SOUNDS JUST LIKE THAT.
VERNA LENYA TSGANYOKOV.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA GO WITH ME? - YES - ARE YOU PACKED? - NO.
- NO? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO IN AND PACK AND I'LL COME BACK FOR YOU, SAY, IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS? NO, WE'D BETTER GO NOW.
GRECO IS SURE TO FIND OUT WHAT I HAVE DONE.
GRECO HAS ALREADY FOUND OUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
GRECO HAS ALREADY FOUND OUT WHAT YOU HAVE-- DROP THE GUN, VERNA.
NOW I'M GOING TO TAKE CARE OF BOTH OF YOU.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE, GRECO.
AND WHO'S GOING TO GIVE IT TO ME? RUN! WAIT A MINUTE, THE GUN! - THERE ARE GUARDS AT THE GATE.
- HOW ABOUT THE BACK? NO NO, GUARDS THERE TOO.
THIS WAY.
THERE'S GRECO! - COME! - WAIT A MINUTE! NOW EITHER I'M GONNA RUN AND HIDE OR I'M GONNA STAND AND FIGHT.
HE'S GOT A MACHINE GUN! THEN RUN AND HIDE.
LISTEN, YOU STAY RIGHT HERE.
I'M GONNA GET UP ON THE HIGH BOARD WHERE HE CAN'T SEE ME.
NOW WHEN HE COMES TO YOU, I'LL JUMP HIM.
WHERE IS HE? GRECO, WATCH OUT.
HE'S ON THE HIGH BOARD.
( gunshots ) ( gunshots ) HERE, KEEP YOUR EYE ON HER.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - TO GET SMART.
IF HE SURFACES, KILL HIM.
- ( arrow whooshes ) - ( screams ) NOW, MR.
SMART - ( gunshot ) - ( screams ) LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU, GRECO-- NEVER LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH.
WELL, CHIEF, WE'RE ALL SET TO GO.
- I'LL GO GET MYRNA.
- IT'S VERNA, MAX.
- VERNA, RIGHT.
- THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH THIS WHOLE ASSIGNMENT, MAX.
THE NAMES OF THE IRON CURTAIN GIRLS ALL SOUNDED ALIKE.
- YOU READY, MAX? - JUST A MINUTE, 99.
I'D LIKE TO WISH THE AMERICAN GIRLS GOOD LUCK IN THE SWIMMING MEET.
- CHIEF, DO YOU HAVE THE REGISTRATION LIST? - YES.
WELL, AT LEAST WE WON'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE WITH THESE GOOD OLD AMERICAN NAMES.
"BOBBY JEAN HARPER, BETTY JUNE PARKER, BONNIE JOAN BOOKER AND BUNNY JANE BAKER.
" ( theme music playing )