Hailey's on It! (2023) s01e30 Episode Script

1
Dude, hover much?
Feds.
Welp, just got a little itch
on my neck here,
and Psyche!
It's ball bearings!
[laughs cunningly]
[barks]
Whoa!
Huh?
[grunts]
- [growls]
- [dog barking]
[yelps]
[grunts]
[helicopter hovering]
You coppers got nothing on me!
That scorpion farm was
in my locker when I found it.
And I'm not saying nothing.
Unless you've got
someone specific
you want me to snitch on,
in which case, let's talk.
I'll take it from here, boys.
[gasping] Kennedy?
You're working with the Feds?
How could you?
I've only got one question
for you, Becker Denoga.
Will you go
to the Totally '80s
to the Max Dance with me?
Huh?
- Oh, heck yeah!
- [cheers and applause]
- [barks]
- [cheering continues]
Dance proposals.
They get crazier every year,
am I right?
How should I know? This is
the first year I've witnessed
any of this nonsense.
What are you going to do
for Scott?
Asking Scott to the dance
is the easiest part of my plan
because I don't have to.
We go every year as friends.
The hard part is going to be--
Finally telling Scott
you like him,
which you vowed to do
on this notarized document?
Yes, that part!
You just carry
that thing around?
Sheesh. Who are you?
The narrator?
[Scott] Hey, Hails.
We going to the dance
this weekend?
Was the lighter invented
before the match?
I got to stop doing that
with obscure facts.
The answer is "yes"!
Let's go to the dance.
Sweet! And speaking
of the dance,
I've got something special
in mind for when we get
on the dance floor.
I'm gonna do a sick backflip,
and you can watch!
I found a guy on MeTube
who practiced every day
for a year.
And in the end,
he kind of did it.
-"Kind of"? So,
he didn't actually--
- [shouting] Backflip!
[grunts]
So close!
- Not really.
- Still sharp as a marble.
[Kristine over megaphone]
Attention, everyone!
Voting is now open
for this year's dance
Royal Couple!
And I have a megaphone!
- [squeals]
- [glass cracks]
[car windows shattering]
[car alarm honking distantly]
And as Associate Chairman
of the Dance Committee--
A made-up title I gave you
because you wouldn't
stop crying
after your dance theme
wasn't chosen.
For the record,
"None Like it Hot,
colon, A Salute
to Ceiling Fans,"
is a way better theme
than "The '80s."
Yawn and gag. [clears throat]
In any case,
at this year's dance,
I have assigned myself
the vital role
of Merriment Mitigation.
So, the Fun Police?
[A.C.] Wrong again,
Hailey Banks.
I will be monitoring
the premises
to ensure couples stay
at least a foot apart
during slow dances,
and inspecting the punch,
to make sure the sugar level
does not exceed 15%.
A general policing
of the fun level, if you will.
So, the Fun Police.
Yes, exactly. At the dance,
everyone should be having
no more fun than this guy.
Well, I'm not even gonna
get to go to the dance.
All 30 girls I asked
weren't lucky enough
to say "yes."
My proposal's
even starting to wear off.
[Genesis scoffs]
Dance proposals are so 2000
and late.
Genesis, isn't saying
"2000 and late"
a little "2000 and late"?
No. Look, guys,
my older sister,
you know, the one in college
studying Communications?
[all gasp and murmur]
She told me
about the hottest new
compatibility app,
called "SnackMatch."
-"SnackMatch"?
- Exactly.
You just answer a series
of random questions,
and it gives you
your "Food Personality,"
which you can match
with others on a crazy,
deep level.
Try it.
Hissing possum? Yep, keep.
Homework? Ugh! Toss.
Possum eating homework?
Now that is a keep.
The algorithm is,
like, never wrong.
[phone voice]
Your Food Personality is
[pings] peanut butter.
- [phone chiming]
- I don't get it.
Does this mean
I'm supposed to bring
peanut butter to the dance?
Duh, no.
You are peanut butter,
and you can match with anyone
whose food pairs with yours.
[phone voice]
SnackMatch found.
[gasps]
[phone voice] You are jelly.
- [chimes]
- [crunch]
Third Becky?
[male voice]
Sure, I'll go to the dance
with you, Chainsaw.
Sweet! By the way, you have
the most lovely voice.
[male voice] You, too!
[both laughing whimsically]
[laughter continues]
Aw!
That is so weird.
See? Never wrong.
- [phone pings]
- We'll see about that.
- [phone chimes]
- I'm spaghetti.
- And I'm
- [phone chimes]
meatballs.
Wait, yum!
[phone voice]
Mega SnackMatch detected.
This takes so much pressure
off the dance proposal.
Guys, you're off the hook!
[all groaning] Aw.
[phones pinging]
Don't tell me
you're getting caught up
in this SnackTrash, too.
Of course not, Beta.
It's made by the Dingles
Worldwide Snacks
and Tires Corp.
Only an idiot
would be into this.
Guys, I am super
into this new app!
Do you know it's made
by the parent company
of Dingles?
Hailey, have you taken
the quiz yet?
- I was just saying
I'm about to!
- [school bell rings]
[high-pitched
and low-pitched pings]
What? If anything,
the quiz will prove
that I'm super compatible
with Scott,
and it'll make it easier
for me to tell him how I feel.
It's technology doing
the work for me.
Technology has been doing
the work for you
for a long time now!
- [phone pings]
- [Beta] Oh, real mature.
- [phones pinging]
- Yes, I like buffets!
Easiest quiz ever!
Hello, students.
It's time to once again study
the history of the prestigious
Crab Queen crown,
which I won
only 25 short years ago.
- [phones pinging]
- Okay, what's going on?
This is when one of you
usually makes
a piercing comment,
like, "I didn't know
we were studying
Ancient History,"
which I would then spend
the weekend analyzing
with Dr. Fisher.
I'm sorry, Miss Jackson.
- [phone chimes]
- Ooh! I am oatmeal!
-"SnackMatch"?
- [phone pings]
It's a compatibility quiz
for young people
who still have a chance
to find their true soulmate.
You wouldn't get it.
Well, Veronica,
you can really dig
into that one with Dr. Fisher.
Anyway, I doubt a silly quiz
could really help someone find
their soulmate.
Also, is "SnackMatch"
one word or two?
- Last question.
- Me, too!
- [pings and music plays]
- Looks like
my Food Personality is
- [chiming]
- lobster!
- [phone chimes]
- And I'm cookies!
Sweet! I love cookies!
- [app music playing]
- [crunches and retches]
[Genesis] Lobster and cookies?
[retches] Gag.
Good thing you guys
aren't a thing,
'cause those are,
like, the least compatible
food personalities.
Honestly, I'm surprised
you two are even friends.
Huh?
[multiple high-pitched
and low-pitched pings]
- [phone chimes]
- Um, are we going
to learn today?
[Scott grunting]
[whooping loudly]
SnackMatch says Scott and I
are completely incompatible.
Can this be right?
I wouldn't worry about it.
Take it
from a computer, Hailey.
Humans are way more complex
than a simple algorithm.
[continuous thudding]
I'm going for the high score!
Maybe not all humans.
[Destiny]
I cannot believe you, Tommy D!
You're willing to throw away
a three-and-a-half week
relationship over an app?
Are you serious right now?
Serious as a split end!
Look, babe, I'm tortilla chips
and you're milk,
which are both legit,
just not exactly sick
and tight.
Who knows if a side of guac
is out there somewhere?
[scoffs] Then go find
somewhere else
to dip your chip!
- [thudding]
- [phone voice]
Mega SnackMatch detected!
[yelps, thuds and grunts]
- Cookies?
- Milk?
[crunch]
We're, like, mega compatible.
[phone voice]
That's what I just said!
Is this app listening in
on us?
- [phone voice] Nope!
- Oh, okay.
Hey, you're Destiny,
from the League
of Extraordinary Hair, right?
And you're Scott!
[giggling] Yeah,
I remember you!
You know, I always thought
your hair had the best bounce.
That is a low blow, lady bro!
- [burger splatters]
- You're a big, bouncy boy,
Tommy D.
OMG, did we hear that you two
are "cookies and milk"?
You're the only other
Mega SnackMatch we've met!
- Do you want to share
a limo to the dance?
- Yeah. Actually,
he is going to dance with me.
Lobster.
We go to every dance together.
As friends.
Lobster and cookies?
Ew!
Okay, well Bye.
We didn't want to share
your limo anyway!
And SnackMatch
is just a silly app.
Nobody really cares
what it says!
[Kristine] The votes are in!
And since everyone
really cares
what SnackMatch says,
the Royal Couple is
Destiny and
my ex-BF who I amicably
un-coupled with Scott!
[students cheering
and applauding]
I swear, this is only
my second breakfast cone.
Scott and Destiny!
Cookies and milk.
So compatible
that the whole school
has been shipping you.
- [cheering]
- Ugh.
Since yesterday?
They might be totally
shipping us,
- but I'm totally
"dipping" Scott.
- [cheering continues]
[giggles] Get it?
Because he's my cookie.
Be sure to tag Tommy D
in that, mkay?
- [shutter clicks]
- You guys are gonna be
so cute at the dance together.
We're going
to the dance together?
The Royal Couple always goes
to the dance together.
It's tradition.
Like licking the flagpole
before football games.
Now say, "I've got a date
with Destiny!"
- [shutter clicks]
- I've got to talk
with someone first.
[whistle blowing]
Dodgeball gods, be kind.
[whispering] I am invisible.
- Argh!
- Hey, Hailey.
Do you have a minute to talk?
- [grunts]
Does it look like it?
- Okay, cool. Here's the thing,
me and Destiny,
you know the girl
who I'm super compatible with?
Well, she and I
just got voted Royal Couple.
Since you and I
were only gonna go
to the dance as friends,
would it be all right
if I went with her instead?
I mean, you and I
have already gone
to a bunch of dances together.
But according to
a trendy new app
and a bunch of teenagers,
Destiny might be my
you know, destiny.
[growls loudly]
[grunting angrily]
- [grunts]
- [yelping] Ah!
Sure! I mean,
why would I mind?
- I've got plenty
of other options!
- You do?
Because pretty much everyone
in school is paired up
because of SnackMatch.
Don't worry about old Hailey,
this lobster is
gonna find its
[objects clattering]
m-- match.
I've got so many options,
I can't even think
of one right now.
Too bad you can't ask
that guy Sanjay.
- Who?
- You know, the really cool kid
from Botany Camp
you said was super hunky
and super into you,
but travels
all over the world,
so you never know
where he's gonna be,
and can't introduce me--
Oh That Sanjay.
[chuckling nervously]
Yeah, great idea. I I mean,
he's been all up
in my DMs lately,
begging to meet up.
I thought you said
he wasn't on social media.
Wow, good memory.
[chuckles nervously]
He's not. He sends me DMs
via carrier pigeon.
Man, he sounds
like a cool guy!
You got a picture of him?
[grumbles] Boy, you sure
are Mr. Questions today.
Okay, let me see. I'm sure
I have one here somewhere.
Here! Here he is!
Whoa, what a hunk!
Makes me want
to buy that cologne
he's standing next to.
- AirSync that to me.
- [phone chimes]
- [male screams distantly]
- Wha-- Anyway.
The point is, I've got options
that aren't you, Scott!
Okay. Cool. I thought
you might be mad or something.
Anyway. Thanks, Hails.
I'll see you at the dance!
[yelping] Ah! Spleen shot!
So, then dodge!
It's called dodgeball!
['80s-inspired dance song
playing over speakers]
[singer]
Hey! Hey! ♪
Hey! Hey! ♪
[song continues playing
over speakers]
Loving the '80s looks,
everyone!
The high hair,
the big shoulders,
the cowboy hat?
Jonathan,
what's with the get-up?
Don't ask.
He thought
"'80s To The Max" meant
the 1880s.
The flyer didn't specify
a century.
Anyone could have made
that mistake.
No, only you.
And him.
A.C., why are you dressed
like that?
This was the apparel of choice
for the British Redcoats,
circa 1780.
You know, there wouldn't be
all this confusion
if we would have gone
with my theme.
[growls]
So, we must have
a lot in common.
Being cookies and milk
and all--
Shut up a sec.
Here comes Tommy D.
[fake laughter]
Scott, that is
such a funny story!
And also sweet,
because you saved
that chinchilla!
Sorry, what were you saying?
Nothing, just talking
about all the chemistry
we probably have.
Did Tommy look back here?
No, wait.
That was a hair toss.
Sorry, [sighs]
you said you were
failing Chemistry?
I am, but that's
a whole different problem.
Hey, Destiny, check this out.
I'm gonna parkour
off that weird car.
[shouting in a lower tone]
Parkour!
[Kristine] Rough night?
Yeah, me and Destiny
just don't seem
to be hitting it off.
This is way less fun
than when I used to go
to dances with Hailey.
Where is Hailey, anyway?
She's usually so punctual
for social events,
that she always remembers
to bring that medicine
that stops me from burping
after I have too much juice.
[burps]
Scott, I never thought
I'd speak ill of a phone app,
but I think you're putting
too much stock
into SnackMatch.
But it was super accurate
for everyone else.
I mean, look at Chainsaw
and Third Becky.
[whistle blows] Okay!
Let's have some daylight
between you two.
And, hey, DJ.
Let's keep that music
at an easy 60 beats
per minute, mkay?
[record scratches]
Maybe the right person for me
just isn't out there.
I mean, look at you and me.
- We didn't last.
- [slow dance song playing]
Scott, you are one
of the nicest,
most genuine people I know.
The only reason
we didn't work out
is that I wanted to put
my #HatJourney first.
Which is why I came
to this dance
#ConfidentlySolo
even though
my Food Personality is cheese,
which obvi goes
with everything.
Trust me, the right girl
for you is out there,
no matter what
SnackMatch says.
Thanks, Kristine.
I'd sure like to "toss"
this little pep talk.
Um Okay? Rude.
No, I mean like how you do
on SnackMatch.
You know, "toss" it
into your cart
because you like it.
Wait. What?
You don't toss
the things you like.
You "keep" them.
No, if you don't
like something,
you keep it on the shelf.
I think I know how
a grocery store works.
But that's exactly
the opposite of how
SnackMatch works!
It is? Why do they make it
so confusing?
They didn't!
You somehow managed
to get every answer wrong
on an opinion quiz.
That's why you
and Destiny don't have
any chemistry.
She's the last person
you should end up with.
Take the quiz again,
except like
a normal person would.
[high-pitched ping]
[low-pitched ping]
[low-pitched ping]
[high-pitched ping]
[high-pitched ping,
low-pitched ping]
[high-pitched pings]
[phone voice]
Your Food Personality
is butter.
Oh, that makes
so much more sense.
I love butter.
I'm ButterScott!
Find out what pairs best
with "butter."
[app instrumental music
plays and phone chimes]
[Scott] Lobster!
[gasps]
[sentimental music playing]
[male singer]
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
[Scott] Whoa,
I never realized it before,
but, oh, my God,
I think I like-like Hailey!
She's the one I want
to be with tonight.
Forget Destiny.
Hailey's my destiny!
[gasps] OMG!
I totally support all of this.
You should go tell Hailey
how you feel right now!
Yeah? Yeah!
Oh, no.
I just remembered
Hailey seemed really
into her super cool fling
from Botany Camp, Sanjay.
And I don't blame her.
Look at this guy!
Scott! Hailey obviously made
this guy up to save face.
That picture
is from a cologne ad!
You're right!
I'm gonna do it!
I'm gonna tell Hailey Banks
I like her.
Then I'm gonna come back here,
and do
a sick backflip afterwards.
[upbeat ballad song playing]
[laughs heartily]
Hello, world!
- I like Hailey Banks! [grunts]
- [pigeon coos]
- [music stops]
- I'm okay!
Whoo-hoo!
[upbeat ballad song
continues playing]
Parkour!
Sometimes it takes
a little distance ♪
To make sense out of
all the loud ♪
Questioning
your existence ♪
Hey! [laughs exultantly]
Hey, guys, I'm going
to go see about a girl.
- [woman shouting] Yeah!
- [all cheering]
So, after Lil' Meatball
distracts the guards,
I'll blow the safe.
A dozen roses, please!
Ah, shoot.
I don't have any cash.
They're on the house, son.
I can see true love
in your eyes.
Now go get that girl!
- She's a lobster!
- Huh?
[doorbell chimes]
- [music stopping]
- [door creaks]
[singer]
You've been
best friends ♪
Oh. Wow.
Scott, what are you
doing here?
Hailey, there's something
I need to tell you.
[Sanjay] Ooh,
this sounds important.
[music stops]
Hi, I'm Sanjay.
[gasps]
You must be Scott. Hailey said
so many nice things about you.
I almost didn't think
you were real.
But I saw you
in a cologne ad.
Oh, yeah, I get asked
to do those sometimes.
Kinda embarrassing
to be recognized for modeling,
but each one of those gigs
can pay to plant a 1,000 trees
in the Ecuadorian rainforest.
After you decided to go
to the dance with Destiny,
I sent Sanjay a DM.
It turns out his dad
just got stationed
at Camp Pendleton
as an engineer.
It was fate! So,
I pigeoned her back and said,
-"I'd love to go
to the dance."
- [coos]
Oh, hey there, Mordecai.
Can you tell Dad
I won't be home until 10:00?
- [pigeon coos]
- [grunts]
So What did you want
to tell me?
Oh. Just that
it's raining out.
So, don't forget
your umbrella.
I feel like that probably
could have been a text,
but thanks.
You should take
your own advice, bud.
You're soaked.
The trees
are loving this, though.
Oh. Scott,
what's with the flowers?
These? Oh!
They're for Sanjay,
because botany.
Thanks!
Hey, you need
a ride back to the dance?
[loud funky Spanish song
playing over radio]
[song continues
playing loudly]
Nice limo!
What's that?
[shouting] I said,
"It's a nice limo!"
I mean, as far as limos go,
seems like a pretty nice one!
I think it's actually
a town car.
Oh, cool!
Cool, cool, cool!
[rap music playing
over speakers]
Hoppity-hipping ♪
Homies on the ones
and twos doing the skipping ♪
So, how did it g-- Oh, no!
[all students gasping]
Sanjay's real?
Oh, yeah. And he knows
about flowers, and pigeons,
and the difference
between limos and town cars!
Scott, I'm so sorry.
How are you doing?
I I think I'm embarrassed?
Is this what embarrassment
feels like?
[whines] I don't like it.
Please don't tell anyone
what I told you about Hailey.
It'll be our secret.
And Scott, just know
that you can always talk
to me.
Besides, this Sanjay guy
can't be that--
- [crowd cheering]
- OMG, look at those
dance moves.
[rapper]
Hippity-hopping
Hoppity-hipping ♪
[rap music continues]
Hey, everyone. This is Sanjay.
He used to
be a back-up dancer
[breathily] for Usher.
Oh, stop. It was just
for his European tour.
I can barely remember
the moves
- And five, six, seven, eight.
- [whooping]
- [all gasping]
- Uh-huh!
[grunting rhythmically]
- Hails!
- [crowd cheering]
While this Sanjay guy
is super cool
and objectively better
than Scott in every way,
you have got to think
about the list.
The world depends
on you telling Scott
how you feel,
and you promised
to do it tonight.
You know what, Beta?
I can't do this anymore.
I can't keep chasing
after someone who is never
going to like me back.
You and the list
are not in control of my life.
I am.
- [gasps]
- [paper tearing]
[upbeat romantic dance song
playing over speakers]
[female singer]
Then don't wake me up
if I'm dreaming ♪
[all laughing heartily]
[upbeat romantic dance song
continues playing]
Then don't wake me up
if I'm dreaming ♪
[exclaims in shock]
[chaos bot] Chaos!
I'm getting awfully tired
of these guys.
Okay, everyone, clear the way!
My first time trying this,
- but Backflip!
- [cheers and applause]
[both gasp]
- [softly] Sick.
- And tight.
Hailey, reconnecting with you
has reminded me
of all the magic
we had at Botany Camp.
I gotta ask,
do you want to go out?
[slower romantic music
playing over speakers]
If you don't say yes, I will.
[music continues playing]
Of course I will!
- [scoffs] This is turning
into total--
- [chaos bot] Chaos!
What was that?
Chaos! [scanners computing]
[scanners processing]
Chaos?
What the actual beans
did I just see?
Hey, hey! Let's get
all the happy couples together
- for a picture
in the photo booth.
- Let's do it.
- [boy] Yeah, yeah!
- [girl] What a great idea!
- [Hailey] Hey, Scott.
- Yeah?
Do you mind watching
our stuff while Sanjay
and I get a few pictures
in the photo booth?
We are actually going out now.
Yeah, sure.
In case I haven't
said it lately,
thanks for being
a great friend.
[chuckles] You know,
I don't think cookies
and lobster sound
so bad together.
Hailey, you know,
I'm actually
really happy for you guys.
[laughter]
- [phone chimes]
- [app voice] Super Mega
SnackMatch detected!
- [app instrumental music
plays]
- [chimes and crunches]
[laughter]
[groans softly]
[gasps]
[yelling] What the heck
is happening?
I have no idea.
But I do know the only thing
that will keep it
from happening again,
is for Hailey to stop
avoiding items on her list.
Okay, okay! Jeez!
We'll clean the attic!
It's not the attic,
you buffoon!
Look, this goes
against all of my programming,
but there's something
you need to know.
There's one list item
Hailey's never told you about.
[screen computing]
- [screen processing]
- [gasps]
[Hailey singing]
The future's in my hands ♪
World's what you make it ♪
Get up and chase it ♪
Leaving nothing to chance ♪
I'm taking action
making it happen ♪
No matter what tomorrow
might bring ♪
I got the guts
to do anything ♪
The future's in my hands ♪
Promise, I'm on it ♪
I'm on it ♪
Whoa-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
- [chorus] Hey, hey, hey! ♪
- [Hailey] Hailey's on it! ♪