Sam and Cat (2013) s01e30 Episode Script

Come on, punch him.
Hit the guy in Come on, fight, man.
Kick him in the neck.
Give him What? You swear you're really Sam from the "iCarly" web show? No, I'm the monkey, from "the Monkey Show.
" Oh, my God, I love "the Monkey Show.
" Me, too.
You know my favorite part? What? The monkey.
Hey, Sam? Yeah? Remember the time when the "iCarly" web show and you played the cowboy who talked to the idiot farm girl? Yeah.
Did that one a few times.
Remember Gibby? No, I don't remember Gibby.
Even though I did the "iCarly" web show with Gibby for four years, I have no memory of that.
Who's Gibby? Gibby was the kid who always took his shirt off, and sometimes he'd go "Gibbehhhh.
" 'Member? Hey, Sam, remember the time Hey, Bobby? Yeah? Remember that time you asked me way too many questions, so I took your pants and I slapped you across your own face with your pants? Sam, that's not nice.
Well.
Bobby loved watching you on the "iCarly" web show.
So you should answer his questions.
Hey, Cat? Shut up, I'm busy.
So, what was it like making the "iCarly" web show? Ah, it was fun.
We did a lot of wacky stuff.
I got to go to Japan, I met the First Lady, we got kidnapped a couple of times.
Kidnapped? By who? Some psycho chick, Nora.
She kidnapped Carly, me, Freddie.
Why? She was lonely, liked our web show, wanted to force us to hang out with her.
Whole thing was weird.
Well, where's Nora now? Well, she's locked up in prison, somewhere near Seattle.
Dip.
Rise.
Dip.
Rise.
Dip.
Rise.
Dip.
Rise.
Dershlit.
Playtime's over.
I'm taking you back to your cage.
Okey-dokey.
You know, I'm really starting to enjoy it here in prison.
I don't care what you enjoy.
Just You hear that? Hear what? Sounds like someone's scratching on the door.
Well, that's peculiar.
Chicken? Who let a chicken in the prison? Squish.
Hey, Cat? I don't get it.
Well, I love cranberry juice.
And my favorite fruit is apples.
So I filled this fish tank up with cranberry juice, and I'm soaking the apples in it.
You get it? Nope.
I'm making crapples.
Crapples.
Want to try? What's it taste like? Like crapple.
Hey Sam, on "iCarly," remember how Carly would say "I'm Carly," and you'd say "I'm Sam"? Sorry, Mrs.
guard.
But I can't return to my cell today.
I have revenge to seek.
And seek it I will.
Come, Maurice.
Hey iCarlys here I come, Nora, Nora.
Sweet revenge is lots of fun.
I'm gonna make you pay Yay.
Yay, for days.
I'm never that far no matter where you are believe it we can make it come true but I-I-I-I-I I'll never say never as long as we keep it together it's the life that we choose and we still break the rules but it's all gonna be just fine You and me we're gonna be just fine mmmmmmm Near Seattle, Washington, a dangerously psychotic young woman is still on the loose after escaping from prison two days ago.
The woman, Nora Dershlit, was serving a five-year sentence for a prior kidnapping.
It's ready.
Ho yo, I'm here and I'm not leaving til Monday.
Hey.
Did your mom already leave town for the weekend? Yeah, her car broke down, so they took my aunt Ferjeen's truck.
Is that detail important to the story? - No.
Then why'd you tell me? I don't know.
I walked in here, got to say something.
Hey no, Hey, Dice, I need you to get me a Mexican driver's license.
Easy.
Uh, your name or fake name? Fake.
Make my name, uh, Samma-tee-oh Puckateeto.
I got it.
Hey, who wants to try my hot crapple pie? Let's answer together.
Let's sing the answer.
Nobody.
Crapple.
Hey, you want to snuggle? Babe, come on, there's people here.
Get off.
Hello, Gibby.
Hey.
Wait, wait, wait.
Nora? That's me.
Wow, you look great.
Thanks.
I've been working out.
It shows.
Wait, I thought you were in prison for a couple more years.
Right.
I was supposed to be, but two days ago, I escaped.
Wow.
Good for you.
How'd you escape? Babe, baby, why don't you just answer the trivia questions.
So, Gibby, I don't want to injure you.
Cool.
But I would like to locate and destroy Carly, then Sam, then Freddie.
Ah, fun.
So where would I find Carly? Sorry, dude.
She's in Italy.
Oh.
That's too far.
What about Sam? Sam Puckett? Sam's not that far.
She's just down the coast a ways in Los Angeles.
Los Angeles.
Yeah, I can text you her home address if you want.
Yes.
I would like that very much.
No prob.
Later, Gibby.
Hey, good luck.
What am I? Garbage? Come on.
Get in there.
Tickle my knuckles.
Yeah.
You're not going to finish your fish fingers? Nah.
I feel bad.
For who? The fish, who gave up his fingers.
I mean, think about it.
Little fish, swimming along, trying to wave to his friends, like.
Yeah.
Poor fishy.
Yeah.
Hola chicas.
Yeah.
Hola chicas.
Sam, your day is about to get majorly bueno.
What's up? Mira esto.
You got me a Mexican driver's license.
Shh.
Whoa.
Congratulations, Sammateeuh Puckateeto.
Muy queso.
Ah, my little Dice man.
How much do I love this kid, huh? I tell you, I'd be lost without this little fuzzy-headed mopface.
Well, it seems that Sam Puckett is quite fond of the young boy with the glorious hair.
Interesting.
Hello.
Did you want from foods? No.
And I do not speak to frumpy one-eyed vacuum cleaners.
Ah, geez.
I better go to Goomer's apartment.
What for? He says, Dice, please come over.
I thought I was in the bathroom, but I wasn't.
Ohh.
Ehh.
Yeah, later.
So hard.
No one helping me.
Hey, ya need some help? Oh, hello little boy.
Hi.
Uh, what are you trying to do there? Oh, I'm having trouble putting this inflatable kayak into my car.
Why don't you just let the air out of it? Oh no.
No, no.
I can't deflate my kayak.
I spent half my day blowing into it.
Well, it's not going to fit in your car.
My car's interior is a lot roomier than it seems.
Check for yourself.
Okay.
It's really not that roomy in here.
Hey! Later kayak.
Come on! Let me out! My friend Goomer went to the bathroom somewhere that's not a bathroom.
Too bad.
I've got an appointment, with revenge.
What about your kayak? Answer.
Answer.
Answer.
Did you find Dice? No.
He won't pick up his phone.
Did you look for him? Yeah.
I went to inside-out burger, and tubba chicken.
And I went to chub-way, and rockin' ribs.
Is that Dice? No, dangit.
It's Gibby.
What Gibby? Hey Sam, guess what? I can't talk right now.
You remember my head? Your head? The replica we got made of my head.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, what about it? I bought a hat for it.
How cool is that? Gibby, bye.
Okay, talk to you later.
No.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
What? Remember that girl, uh, Nora Dershlit? Yes I remember Nora.
Why? She busted out of prison.
How do you know? She came to see me, at the movies.
She came to see you? For what? Uh, let's see.
Um, she said she wanted to locate and destroy Carly, then you, and then Freddie.
And what'd you say? Don't' worry.
I told her Carly's in Italy and Nora said that was way too far.
Good.
And then I told her you were in L.
A.
And I gave her your address.
What? Hey, can you text us a pic of the hat? Yes, I can.
No.
Okay, this is bad.
Who's Nora? She's that insane chick that kidnapped me.
Nora Dershlit.
But I thought she was in prison.
She was, but she escaped.
And Gibby gave her our address.
Who's that? Ahhh.
Ahhhh.
What's in the envelope? I don't know.
What's it say? I have your friend, Dice.
And in case you don't believe me, hair's a little piece of him.
Signed Nora.
Revenge, revenge, revenge.
Oh my God.
Hello? Did you miss me? Nora? So you remember my voice.
Where's Dice? Oh, Sam, no hi Nora, I've missed you? No, how was prison? No, sorry for causing the social workers to send my chicken to a foster farm? They took your chicken away 'cause you're a lunatic.
You better watch it, Sam Puckett.
I have your young friend, Dice.
And I have plans for his hair.
His hair? Shh.
What do you mean, his hair? I'm going to shave his head, then make a wig out of his hair, and then, I'm going to wear that wig, upon my head.
Upon? Bye Sam.
Give me back my Dice! No.
And good luck finding him, 'cause you won't.
Yeah.
Sweat on that.
Poor Dice.
He's so hosed.
No.
No.
We just got to find him.
Yeah, but she won't tell us where he is.
I know.
So, we just got to try to, you know, figure out what Nora would do.
Yes.
We've got to think how she thinks.
Yes.
Ah.
Yes? You know who can really help us think like a diseased, evil, criminal mastermind? Who? Another diseased, evil, criminal mastermind.
Why do you want to see my patient? We need to ask him some questions.
Why is he here in this hospital? His mother brought him here from Seattle.
He has a virus, very contagious.
That's why he must be kept down here, locked away from the general population.
What kind of virus? It's called Porcupox.
We don't know how he got it.
All we know is that it came from a porcupine.
Whatever.
Just let us talk to him.
It's that way.
The last one.
Girls Don't touch the glass.
Why not? I just cleaned it.
Slip out the back, Jack.
Ah, cocka-doodle-doo, the cow says moo.
Argh.
See ya.
Samantha Puckett.
'Sup, Nevel? Who's the cute little red-head female? She's Cat.
Hi, Nibbles.
Nevel.
Why are you here? I need advice.
Take a bath.
He zoinked you good.
Are you going to help me or not? What do you want from me? Okay.
So, we have this friend, Dice.
You mean the young boy, age twelve, whose full name is Dicenio J.
Corleone? Sixth grade? Magnificent hair? How do you know so much about Dice? I know a lot of things about a lot of things.
Well, do you know what happened to Dice? Tell me.
Some weird girl took him.
Her name is Nora Dershlit.
Here, take a look at this.
Her name is Nora Dershlit.
Here, take a look at this.
Sam, listen to me.
Sam, listen to me.
Get me out of here.
Sam, you don't understand.
I need my porcupine.
I need Mr.
Tibbles.
No, don't, put your hands back.
You freak.
What is this? It's the note Nora gave us.
Hmm.
I have your friend, Dice.
And if you don't believe me, hair's a little piece of him.
Here's the piece of hair she put in there.
My goodness, the boy does have amazing hair.
We know.
We just need to find him.
Then we must look at the clues.
We don't have any clues.
Wrong, sir.
See this? Notice this stain? Is it ketchup? No.
This more like a Like a barbecue sauce, with a tang of pineapple.
This stain was made by donkey sauce.
Donkey sauce? The only place that has donkey sauce is the Aloha Burger.
Correct.
So you're saying, if we happen to find a donkey, eating a hamburger, then Dice is somewhere in ha-way-aye-aye? This girl makes Gibby seem like a genius.
Just tell us where Dice is.
We really can't know for sure, but The perfect place to hide a person would be in an abandoned house.
And within one mile of Aloha Burger, there are three abandoned houses.
How do you know? I'm studying for my junior real estate license.
All right.
There is one abandoned house on Crosby Street, one on Stills Lane, and one on Nash Avenue.
Look in those houses three, and your friend, Dice, you shall see.
Oh, my God, I think he's rapping.
I'm not rapping.
Yo.
Great.
We just need to check out those three vacant house on Crosby, Stills, and Nash.
Let's hurry.
Sam! Sam wait! Wait! What, Nevel? A question.
Yeah? How come we never heard anything about Carly's mother? All right.
Tell me! Hey.
Hey, girl.
I'm getting hungry.
Hello, Dice.
How's the hole? Uh, can I get a sandwich or something? All right.
Look in the basket.
Hair conditioner? It puts the conditioner in its hair, if it wants a sandwich.
What? It puts the conditioner in its hair, if it wants a sandwich.
Who's it? You're it.
I have a name.
It puts the conditioner in its hair, or else it gets the hose again.
Aw, man, again with the hose? It puts the conditioner in its hair, or else it gets the hose again.
I'm not putting this conditioner in my hair.
That tears it.
You know, you're just wasting hoses.
You listen to me, Dicenio Oh dear.
Someone's at the door.
Wait! It's still hungry.
Hello girl.
How can I help you? Hi.
I'm Cat Valentine.
Oh, that's neat.
My friend Sam is on another street nearby, checking out another house.
Is she? Yeah.
Um, are you Nora? Oh, no.
I'm Norrrrr eeen.
Noreen.
Is that with six R's or five? I have to go now.
Wait.
Have you seen my friend, Dice? No.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm su Oh wait.
Is he the little young person with great big fat hair? Yes, he has big hair, ma'am.
Well, I know nothing.
Hey, before you go, you want to come check out my basement? Well, sure.
Thank you.
You have a lovely abandoned home.
Ahhh.
Cat, whoa, are you okay? Yeah, I'm all right.
Lucky I landed on these hoses.
Well, well.
Get it? You guys are down in a well, so I said "well, well.
" That's great fun.
But, uh, I think you knocked me down here by accident, so could you please give me a hand? Cat, it wasn't an accident.
Hair-boy's right.
You both are my prisoners.
Wait.
I think that's Nora.
Hey.
You're not Norrrreeeeen.
Whatever, just Why are you doing this to us? Uh, because I hate Sam Puckett, and you two are her friends.
So, first, I'm going to shave Dice's hair and make it into a wig for me to wear.
And then I'm going to do the same thing with Cat's hair.
What happened to the lights? Maurice? Where are you? Who wants chicken? Sam Puckett.
Don't you touch my chicken.
Oh, I'm already touching it.
Everywhere.
You leave him alone.
Let's make a deal.
You throw a rope down.
Ah.
So Cat and Dice can climb out of that pit and I won't pluck, cook, eat, digest, and poop out this chicken.
That is so disrespectful! Toss a rope down to my friends.
Yay.
No.
I propose a different deal.
Why don't you and I fight? Us? Fight? You heard my word.
And if you win, you and your friends may go free.
Cool.
Let's dance.
But if I win, down the pit you go.
Sam, don't do it.
There's no sandwiches down here.
Just hoses.
So, ready to battle? You ready to bleed? Oh, I don't think I'll be injured.
You see, Sam, I've been in prison for two years, working out, lifting weights, getting stronger, and angrier.
And what has Sam Puckett been doing? Oh, babysitting.
Wow, that's true.
Ah, come on.
Come on, Sammy.
Come get a taste of Nora, yeah.
Oh, that's right, ready set ahhh.
No fair grabbing my foot.
Ugh, yeah, sorry.
You let go right now.
Okay.
Oh, oh, oh.
Are you guys okay? Yeah, we're fine.
I'm not fine.
Oh, my g Emergency! Emergency! Nevel Pepperman has escaped.
Cockadoodle doo, the cow says We know what the cow says! So what happens to Nora now? She goes back to prison in Seattle.
Ha ha.
Argh.
We're going to put her in maximum security.
She won't bother you again.
Oh, yes I will.
I will return, and I will bother Sam again.
And that goes for all the filthy iCarlys.
And you dirty Sam and Cats.
I'm a character that never dies.
Argh.
Wait for me Maurice.
Oh yeah, I remember you from the "iCarly" web show.
Thanks.
Hey, remember that guy who always used to go "Gibbehhh"? Get out of here.
All right, you guys.
What do you say hit up some Aloha Burger? Donkey sauce! Oh yeah! Miss Puckett, phone for you.
Me? Puckett.
So, did you find your big-haired friend, Dice? Nevel.
Hello, Sam.
Where are you? Oh, I can't tell you that.
You might send people to look for me.
Hey, nev.
You want to get some food? Absolutely.
Nevel.
Tell me where you are.
Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that, Sam.
You see, I'm having an old friend for dinner.
Not just one old friend.
Check it.
Double header.
Ha! Sam, I got to go.
Nevel! Nevel? Nevel? I told you not to bring that thing.
Come on, let's go get some tapenade.
Ooo, all right.
But we're splitting the check three ways.
Aww, dude.
Whoa! Inflatable kayak.
I could use this at my beach house.