Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e31 Episode Script

CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) And, uh no starch in the socks for a change, please, huh? How 'bout the handkerchiefs? Uh-oh.
What have we got here? Captain Warren.
How'd they capture him? He had everything going for him.
Right.
Food, money, maps-- everything.
I took him out through the tunnel myself.
The Krauts can't do this to me! I wonder what went wrong.
So, uh, you tried to escape from Stalag Five, huh? Yes, sir.
I warn you, no one escapes from my Stalag.
Oh, he's just a tourist at heart.
How was the trip? Oh, lovely.
Colonel Hogan, I do not recall having sent for you.
You didn't, sir.
I try to anticipate your every wish.
As a matter of fact, you're just in time to witness the sentencing of this man.
Come on, Colonel, you're making a big deal out of it.
You got lucky.
You caught him.
That's all.
Huh.
Lucky? Do you consider superior intelligence work lucky? Schultz! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
for Captain Warren in solitary.
All right, let's go to the cooler.
Warren, I want to talk to you.
Nein, nein, nein, nein, that is verboten! You sound like Klink.
Insults will get you nowhere.
NEWKIRK: Ay, Schultz, Schultz! I say, not now! I want to trade you a light for a cigarette.
Don't you see I'm busy? This offer is good for a limited time only.
Always so busy.
Well, there's a war on, you know.
Got to live while we can, me old China.
Here, allow me.
All right, let's go to the cooler.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold it, hold it.
Where is my key? Beg your pardon? The key to the cooler? I gave it to you.
Me? Have you been drinking this time of morning, Schultz? Oh, well, that's shocking, shocking.
And there is some monkey business going on.
Where is the key?! Do me a favor, Schultz, I ain't got your bleeding key.
You must've you must've dropped it.
All right, talk fast.
What happened? Well, they knocked me off, Colonel-- that's what happened.
Did you follow the escape orders? Well, sure, and just when I thought I had it made, there they were, boom.
Well, what went wrong, Colonel? I don't know.
Either the Krauts got lucky, or there's something rotten in Denmark, and right now, Denmark's way out front.
It's the only possible explanation.
Now, look, Captain Warren told me he made it to the first station.
The inn.
Right, the Kaiserhof.
He leaves there okay, makes it to the second station here.
That's the farmhouse.
He leaves there, and suddenly, they grab him.
Well, that doesn't really prove anything, Colonel.
It does to me.
Somebody blew the whistle on him.
I say it's a mistake to let officers escape alone.
That's right.
They can't manage by themselves.
Girls, just do the laundry; leave the thinking to us.
Colonel Klink used the phrase "superior intelligence work".
That's a nice way of saying traitor.
Exactly.
This is the first escape we've had loused up in six months.
Somebody's selling us out.
All right, assume we know the score.
What do we do about it? There's only one way to be sure, and that's travel the route ourselves.
All of us? I haven't finished the laundry.
I want Newkirk and LeBeau to go with me.
We'll be the pigeons, the bait.
Bait? Look, sir, I would consider it most cowardly to escape at this time.
As I see it, my duty lies here in Stalag 13.
Mine, too, and also, there's a war going on out there.
Mm-hmm.
Captain Warren says there are a couple of girls that operate the Kaiserhof.
Good-looking birds, are they? After two years, who cares? Colonel, I wish to volunteer for the escape party.
And me, too, sir.
All present and correct, Colonel.
Amazing the way this place suddenly comes alive with volunteers.
And if there's a short one, she's mine.
Well, there's always a short one.
Now, look, we're going to need a good solid diversion, an excuse for being out of camp a day or even longer.
That's a lot of roll calls.
All right, now, Kinch, I want you and Carter to go out through the emergency tunnel tonight.
Take some smoke bombs with you.
I want you to make a fire tomorrow from a good high spot so we can see it from here.
Got it? Right.
The next step, uh, we're going to leave up to Colonel Klink.
Any comments? No, sir.
No, sir.
Don't think so.
Uh, Colonel Hmm? You got another hole in your undershirt.
It's impossible.
Uh, I ought to know.
I just put it there.
( knock at door ) Come in.
Yes, Fraulein Helga, what is it? Colonel Hogan is here to see you, Herr Kommandant.
I'm too busy.
I can't see him.
He says it's important.
Very well.
Oh! I'm here to volunteer my men in the emergency.
Emergency? What are you talking about? The forest fire.
( sniffing ) Smells like a barbecue pit in here already.
Here, look for yourself.
That's right, it is a fire.
That's quite a distance away.
Try these.
I It's closer than you think.
See, I figure we got about, uh, two hours.
You're right.
It's an emergency.
I'll send every man I can spare to fight it.
Officer of the Day at once.
Oh, I hope I can control them.
Hogan, I heard that.
Control what? Ah, ah, of course.
The prisoners will try a mass escape once the guards are out of the camp.
Well, their pride was hurt when Captain Warren was captured.
I can't guarantee you anything.
Security comes first.
Hey, not bad.
That's a good line to use in your defense at the court martial.
Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
My court martial? Well, what can you do? I mean, you send the guards out, the natives get restless.
If you sit tight, the camp burns down, and you're at fault.
I figure we got about two hours.
Hope Newkirk and LeBeau can hold it at the gates.
I can't be sure of anything now.
Hogan, wait a minute! What do these men know about fires, huh? Oh, come on, that's like asking what Hitler knows about rabble-rousing.
Newkirk was a fire warden in London.
LeBeau was top man in the fire brigade at camp.
LeBeau? They called him LeSmokey.
Of course, they can't do miracles.
Colonel Hogan, in view of the emergency, do you think that they Well, all I can do is ask them.
Do so at once.
Of course, I'll have to go along with them.
Ah, ah, ah, that is a means of escaping.
Oh, come on, you have my word as an officer and a gentleman, there'll be no escape.
I will accept that.
However, regulations require that you be guarded at all times.
I will send Sergeant Schultz to accompany you.
Just our luck.
Toughest one of the bunch.
Okay, Schultz it is.
Dismissed! Okay, Chief.
Come on! Rest your back there.
KINCH: Hey, who invited Poppa Bear? Klink's idea.
He's guarding us.
You call this a forest fire? Well, it's a small forest.
Looks ruddy dangerous to me.
Not to me.
There is something going on here.
All right, spread out, men.
I think we can establish a fire line.
Fire line?! ( chuckles ) Jolly joker.
Fire line.
( chuckles ) Hogan! Hogan, come back! Ah! Hogan, where are you?! Hande hoch! Schnell! English translation: hands up and fast.
Easy with that thing, baby.
Who are you? What are you doing here? We're traveling to Dusseldorf.
Is this the right road? Oh, yeah but you are going in the wrong direction.
Okay, that's correct recognition code.
You're the fastest gun in Germany.
Ah, escaping prisoners? Oui, tired, hungry, alone And very much in need of a little affection.
I am Margit, and that is Eva.
HOGAN: Margit, Eva.
We'll skip our names for now.
Sure, what's in a name? It's love that counts.
We're escaping, remember? Yeah, go ahead, escape.
I'll catch up with you later.
Margit, uh, perhaps they would like some wine.
Yeah, I will get it.
And I will help you.
Hey, I'll give you a hand.
I said the short one was mine.
What are you, the ruddy master of ceremonies or something? All right, break it up.
Watch the door.
That's right, watch the door.
Watch the? Colonel, I'd rather watch one of those girls.
I mean, it's been two years.
You heard me.
Watch the door and that's an order.
Order? Why, we ain't even in the same army! Can you help us? Certainly but why don't you take a rest first? You are safe here.
Yeah, but are you? Well one expects danger in the kind of work I'm doing.
Mm-hmm.
Do you remember an officer that came through here a couple of weeks ago? Yeah, Captain Warren.
Mm-hmm.
Has he been captured? Funny you should ask that.
Why? I mean, accidents happen.
We expect it.
Was he taken? I don't know.
Ah I hope he made it.
He was such a nice boy, too.
( phone rings ) Uh, hey, if that's for me, tell them I'm busy watching the door instead of a girl.
All right.
Hello? Yes, this is Eva.
Uh, I'm sorry, I can't talk to you right now.
Uh, would you mind calling back, please? All right, thank you.
Heil Hitler.
Friend? No, the winter relief.
Winter Hilfe, we call it.
You know, they collect clothes and things for the soldiers.
Hm-hmm.
They call almost every week.
You, uh you used your first name.
Of course.
Even in the war, some people are friendly.
I should hope so.
Oh, boy.
You'd better get a move on, you know.
You have to go next to station two.
It's a farmhouse just a few miles along this road.
It's set back, the only house.
You can't miss it.
Then what? You will be told when you get there.
Recognition code? There is none.
Everyone who escapes has to go through here first.
That way, we keep it simple.
Okay, we're moving out! You must be joking.
Colonel, have a heart! You heard me.
We're going.
Let's go.
But I forgot what girls look like.
I was just starting to remember.
Hey, what about me? I-I've just fallen in love with the door.
You've seen one door, you've seen them all.
Come on.
Excuse me.
Hi, Schultz.
Hey, Colonel Hogan! Where have you been? Putting out a fire.
You can say that again.
Oh, there is something going on.
First you disappear, then you show up again.
Oh, I have to report this to the Kommandant, and then I take you back to camp.
You're right, Schultz, do your duty.
Into the truck.
Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell.
Go ahead.
You heard the man.
You know how to work one of those things? What do you think, I'm stupid? One question at a time.
Um, Schultz, why don't you move away from the truck, cut down on the heterodyne interference? Don't you think I know that? ( clears throat ): Hello.
Hello.
Stalag 13? This is Sergeant Schultz speaking.
Stalag 13, please come in, bitte.
This is Colonel Klink.
I read you, Sergeant.
Report.
He reads me.
Herr Kommandant, Herr Kommandant, here is Sergeant Schultz standing here talking on his, uh, walkie-talkie.
Dummkopf! I know that.
What about the fire? Herr Kommandant, the fire is doing nicely.
( engine starting ) What's that sound I hear? It's a it's a it's a very noisy fire, Herr Kommandant.
Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan! Put out that fire immediately.
Yes, sir! Yes-yes, sir.
Colonel Hogan! ( screams ) LeBEAU: What's the plan, Colonel? HOGAN: I'll go in first and case it.
If I'm not back in ten minutes, take the truck, find Schultz and the boys and get back to camp.
What, and-and leave you in there? If it is a trap, you want to come barging in and get knocked off, too? But, Colonel, we are a team.
Come on, you've got your orders.
Remember, ten minutes back to camp, understood? All right, sir.
Okay.
Good luck, sir.
Bonne chance, Colonel.
Oh, Willy! Everybody, nice and quiet.
Sir, we do not You, over by the fireplace.
Lean forward with your hands.
You stay right there, lady, in case I have to shoot you.
That's naughty.
Get back over there.
And no sudden moves unless you want to die suddenly.
Sir, please you are a prisoner.
Perhaps we can help you.
Like you helped Captain Warren? Ja.
Ja.
That's right.
We helped him to escape.
Sure you did.
We are telling you the truth, I swear it.
Oh, no.
Some goodies in here I shouldn't see? Well I bet you look beautiful in this, Fritz.
Ten minutes.
All right, let's go get him out.
Wait.
He gave us a direct order: return to camp.
Monsieur LeBeau.
Oui? If you're going to start obeying officers, we're going to lose this bleeding war.
Now, come on.
( door opening ) Having a party, folks? Easy, mum, that's the only colonel we've got.
Louis.
Oui? If either of these old ponies move Mm-hmm.
shoot them.
Avec plaisir, mon vieux.
He's French.
Here we go, Colonel.
Oh, it's only a slight concussion.
Be right as rain in a year or two.
Thanks a lot, Newkirk.
You, too.
Forgive me, Colonel Hogan.
My husband thought you were Gestapo.
How do you know my name? Oh, the wallet.
We have many escaped prisoners come here.
We had to be sure you were not a spy.
Ja, you came in with your gun.
We thought it was attempt to fool us.
Hold on, Colonel.
Are these two types straight? They're selling me fast.
But they are Germans.
WILLY: Swedish.
Yeah.
We lived a long time in Germany.
They accept us.
Hey this uniform.
It has saved us many times.
Look, what's the routine? After you get a prisoner from the Kaiserhof, where do you send 'em? We do not send them.
No, they-they tell us where to send them.
Who does the telling? Eva, one of the girls at the inn.
She telephones us.
JENNY: Ja.
It's how we planned it in the beginning.
It works very well.
( phone ringing ) Answer it.
Hello? Yes, the package has arrived.
I understand.
A change in plans.
Jawohl.
I will take care of it.
Wiedersehen.
The instructions are for you to take the South Road today, not the north as usual.
It's safer.
It's very decent of them.
Oh, they're very good girls.
Yeah, a couple of dolls.
Did they also mention that the Gestapo would be waiting for us? What?! Eva and Margit? Yeah.
Look, Newkirk get on the phone, use that Kraut voice of yours.
Call Gestapo headquarters and tell 'em get over to the Kaiserhof with a couple of men to pick up some escaped prisoners.
And tell 'em they're wasting their time staked out on the South Road.
Uh, whom shall I say is calling, sir? Tell 'em it's an anonymous tip.
Right.
( with German accent ): Guten Tag, Fraulein.
( speaking German ) Ja, schnell.
Danke.
I've got a great talent for languages.
Too bad it doesn't include German.
Didn't they give you instructions at the farmhouse? Yeah, they told us to take the South Road.
That's right.
But we just had to come back and see you, chèrie.
Est très jolie, non? Oh, très, trs.
Colonel Hogan, I think it's a terrible mistake for you and your men to stay here.
I think you should move on immediately.
To the South Right.
Road, huh? Colonel, come on, what about a drop more wine? You know, this is one of the best wars I've ever been associated with.
Right.
Let's drink a toast to, uh, Hitler's mustache.
And to the defeat of Germany.
Defeat of Germany.
To the defeat of Germany.
Down the hatch.
SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan! Hello.
It's old Schultz.
Hi, Schultz, welcome to the party.
You'd better get your own girl, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan, what are you doing here? You stole my truck.
Hello, girls.
Oh, you have done it this time.
I have to report you to the Kommandant.
( sirens wailing ) Don't get excited.
We were just Uh-oh, the men with the black suits.
Well, it ain't the ice cream man.
Gestapo.
Now you've done it.
They're going to put me into the cooler.
Schultz, you may get lucky and end up in Stalag 13.
Nobody move.
SCHULTZ: Who is moving? Luftwaffe Sergeant, what are you doing here with these people? I know nothing.
Nothing! He captured us.
Yes, sir.
If it hadn't been for him, we'd have gotten clean away.
Yeah, he was too smart for us.
He tracked us down.
What about it, Sergeant? Now I know something.
I captured these men.
They are my prisoners.
Congratulations.
What is your name? Sergeant Schultz, Hans.
Stalag 13.
Serial number 23789.
All right, you've done a fine job.
Take them out.
Jawohl, Captain.
H'raus mit, you prisoners.
Okay, but thanks for trying, girls.
You can't win them all.
What are you saying? He's trying to compromise us.
She's right.
We have been working with the Gestapo, reporting prisoners trying to escape.
I am aware of that, but you also seem very friendly with these men.
Well, they didn't do anything, sir.
They just tried to divert you to the South Road.
No, no, no.
Yeah, you can't hate them for that.
Sure, made us feel at home, gave us wine.
Is that a crime? And drank a toast to the defeat of Germany.
I heard them! Oh, and such nice-looking German girls.
Shame on you.
Shame.
I am telling you, they are lying to you! We did nothing but our duty.
Your duty to us and to them, also, perhaps? What? We are very familiar with double agents, Fraulein.
Put them in the car.
Oh, you! The short one was mine.
Sergeant, return your prisoners to camp at once.
Jawohl, Captain.
Serial number 23789.
I have it.
Heil Hitler.
All right.
Gentlemen, may I present Sergeant Schultz, hero.
Sergeant Schultz, hero.
Sergeant Schultz, hero.
Sergeant Schultz, hero.
Oh, by the way, Schultz been to a good fire lately? ( guffawing ) A fire lately? Oh, that's a good one! Sergeant, Colonel Hogan, I have called you to hear a special communication by General Burkhalter.
But-but I-I have done nothing.
I'm not guilty! You haven't heard it yet.
"At the suggestion of the Gestapo, "Sergeant Schultz is hereby commended for efficiency in the performance of his duty.
" But I'm not guilty.
Of course you are, Schultz.
Guilty of efficiency in guarding us while we were fighting the fire.
KLINK: Now, just a moment.
The General has also added a note to me.
"Shouldn't a good man like Sergeant Schultz "be transferred to a combat unit? I leave it to your discretion.
" More good news, eh, Schultz? I'm so happy, I could cry.
Good luck, Schultz.
Some of those new panzer units are fun, especially at the Russian front.
I understand they have a tank in your size now.
( strained voice ): Colonel Hogan You'd like to see him out of here, wouldn't you, Hogan? Well, I mean, I wouldn't So you could make a shambles of our famous discipline here at Stalag 13.
It's uncanny the way he gets into a man's mind.
Hogan, you are an open book to me.
I'm sorry, Sergeant Schultz, you cannot be transferred.
We need you here.
Tough luck, Schultz.
Dismissed! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Colonel Hogan.
Mm-hmm? I saw what you did.
Danke.
Schultz, I don't know how you'd get through this war without me.
I don't know.
Colonel Hogan, if you ever escape Yeah? be a good fellow and take me with you.